Pet culture vs non-pet culture

September 24, 2017 1:50 PM

We used to be invited to another couple's house for Thanksgiving dinner. They live about three hours away so the trip there, dinner, and the trip back is a long day for us. I have pets that need to be boarded if I'm going to be away that long, and for a year or two we could manage it, but this couple would extend their invitation a week or two ahead of time and I started to have a hard time finding room at the boarders.

This couple owns outdoor cats which are a different ball of wax than dogs. So my question is, is it unreasonable of me to ask them to invite me with more warning than two weeks if they want us to come so I can have a better chance of finding a boarding place or even a petsitter? When they do not leave me enough time I always feel like a heel turning them down, they just don't seem to understand we can't just pick up and leave. I also don't feel comfortable just assuming we're invited and making plans accordingly, it doesn't feel fair to tie up limited boarding spots til a few days before a major holiday just to be on the safe side.

posted by Rufous-headed Towhee heehee to Pets & Animals (16 answers total)

is it unreasonable of me to ask them to invite me with more warning than two weeks if they want us to come so I can have a better chance of finding a boarding place or even a petsitter

No. This is a fairly innocuous request - "we had a great time at your house on Thanksgiving last year. I don't know if you're planning on hosting again next year, but if you are, could we make plans sooner so I can plan for a boarding place/petsitter?".

You can also invite them to your house, which would solve your issue as well.
posted by saeculorum at 1:55 PM on September 24, 2017 [23 favorites]

Best answer: I can't see anything wrong with telling them that you'd love to come but the arrangements take a long time to make and that you have a better chance of making it if they can give you X amount of notice. Hosts know that travel means advance arrangements. If I haven't been invited somewhere for a major holiday by a month ahead of time, I would assume I'm not invited.

(When I do major family holiday invitations they go out a good six months in advance. Not because of pets specifically, but sometimes people need to fly, plan work vacation time &c... and I would never assume that someone would hold their Thanksgiving open until two weeks ahead of time, if I really wanted them to come to my place.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:58 PM on September 24, 2017 [8 favorites]

I think it's reasonable, especially since I assume if you are going to their house for Thanksgiving, you are probably pretty close. I think saeculorum's script is fine, but if you want to make it even more low-pressure, you could send them an email/text saying something like "hey, [my partner] and I were just talking about petcare for the holidays this year since boarding places often get booked up. Do you guys have any idea if you're planning to host again for Thanksgiving? No worries if you haven't started thinking about it yet, but we just love spending Thanksgiving with you guys!"
posted by lunasol at 2:00 PM on September 24, 2017 [6 favorites]

I've never boarded pets myself - can you not make the reservation and then cancel within a week or two before the boarding date if the invitation doesn't pan out? Is there a financial penalty for cancelling?
posted by vignettist at 2:28 PM on September 24, 2017 [2 favorites]

I'm with fingersandtoes-- 1 week is really slim notice for Thanksgiving, with or without pets. If the invite doesn't appear because they got a great deal on a trip to the Bahamas that week, well, a week is too little time to fish for new invites, and voila, now you've got 1 week to plan your own Thanksgiving, which is adequate, but doesn't leave a lot of room for error in the logistics, or could tie up the weekend beforehand.
posted by Sunburnt at 2:56 PM on September 24, 2017

Best answer: Even if you didn’t have pets or kids or money or health issues , it’s fine and normal to want to make holiday plans pretty far in advance. Just let them know you’re thinking about making plans and want to know if they’re doing thanksgiving this year.
posted by skewed at 2:58 PM on September 24, 2017 [4 favorites]

Best answer: A week or two before T-giving is a last minute invite and they should (and maybe do?) expect folks to decline. Since that day is an insane travel day for those traveling, a day people expect to spend with family or close friends, and one requiring a ton of time and money to prep if hosting, this isn't the usual lead time. Even without the pet factor.

I think they're just slightly more casual than is the norm, which is cool, and because of this, I think they'd be cool if you said "hey, are you guys doing Thanksgiving this year?" No need to explain your circumstances.
posted by kapers at 4:31 PM on September 24, 2017

Oh my goodness, no, there's zero wrong with what you're considering. "We really enjoyed your thanksgiving get together last year, there's obviously no obligation but if you're thinking of having us again, I'd love a bit of notice as we need to plan to board our pets, and if not that's obviously fine too, we'll toast to you and look forward to seeing you in the near future". There is nothing rude, selfish, or presumptive about this and if it violates some Olde Timey etiquette rule then so be it because there's nothing rude, selfish, or presumptive about it.
posted by ftm at 4:46 PM on September 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

The only way this could potentially be a bit rude (or maybe just odd) would be if you mentioned you characterize them as "non pet-culture" and think they don't understand.

But asking if they plan to do Thanksgiving this year is totally fine. (That's why I suggest not getting into your reasons for wanting more lead time; could come across as a scold or a bit judgmental.)
posted by kapers at 5:06 PM on September 24, 2017 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks all for your answers, I just wasn't sure if somehow it was me being a problem since I couldn't manage to make it work. Just a few addons: I said pet vs non-pet because I was thinking they didn't understand how hard it was for me to get a boarding space in that short of time, maybe that's not a correct assumption but I couldn't figure out any other reason they would wait til the last minute, since I have expressed to them that I need enough time to get boarding. Also I feel really uncomfortable asking them if we're invited to Thanksgiving, it feels really presumptuous and like I'm trying to get us invited, I guess it depends on the people how they take it.
I'm marking this solved though because I got the feedback that it's not selfish or something to want that much heads up before an invite. Thank you all!!
posted by Rufous-headed Towhee heehee at 5:23 PM on September 24, 2017

If you're going to ask about this year's Thanksgiving in advance, I like lunasol's script above. I understand why it's awkward, but think of it this way: the answer is either yes (in which case all is well;) or no / no answer (in which case you will feel bad, but no worse than you will feel if you make arrangements and they don't invite you, or if you don't make arrangements and they do invite you and you have to say no.) So I vote ask, with lunasol's script.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:33 PM on September 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

As an aside, because it is a busy travel weekend kennels should have no problems filling your dogs' spots if you made a reservation now and cancelled a week out. I wouldn't leave it any later than a week out to cancel but would have zero concerns making a 'just in case' reservation if you are truly worried about asking these ppl if they plan to host you this year.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:01 PM on September 24, 2017 [9 favorites]

If you ask, it should be less like "are you guys planning to invite us for thanksgiving?" and more like "it was great doing thanksgiving with you guys last year. Want to do something this year?" You can even throw out ideas other than them hosting, like doing it at your place, going to a hotel that has a great thanksgiving buffet, whatever. "We loved being at your place last year but know that hosting is a lot of work, so if you wanted to mix it up and do something else, we could XYZ."
posted by salvia at 9:03 PM on September 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

Do they invite you every year? If so, it could be that they think the invite is assumed and only make a formal invite so late because they think you know you're invited. My family hosts christmas every year but my aunts and uncles still expect to be specifically invited but with the crazyness of the holiday season, sometimes it doesn't get extended until quite late because its not considered important - they know they're invited
posted by missmagenta at 3:57 AM on September 25, 2017 [4 favorites]

As an aside, because it is a busy travel weekend kennels should have no problems filling your dogs' spots if you made a reservation now and cancelled a week out. I wouldn't leave it any later than a week out to cancel but would have zero concerns making a 'just in case' reservation if you are truly worried about asking these ppl if they plan to host you this year.

I used to work in a boarding facility and I can confirm this. In fact there is a good chance that they are slightly overbooked and anticipate some cancellations.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:04 AM on September 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

FWIW, as a cat owner (indoor), I don't think it would cross my mind to think of my guests' pet boarding lead time when extending an invite, especially when it's just for one day. So you may be totally right that they're oblivious to this being A Thing. I agree with other comments that the invites are very short notice, pets or no, and also agree that you should be the one to bring up Thanksgiving early in a friendly way. If they say yes, you can say "Great! This will give me enough time to make arrangements for the pets!" or some other positive framing.
posted by mermaidcafe at 7:53 AM on September 25, 2017 [2 favorites]