When is it time to put a dog down?
September 23, 2017 5:54 PM Subscribe
He's 14, a golden doodle, and the love of our family, but he's failing and it's so sad to see. What is the best course of action?
We picked Max up when he was two months old, less than a foot in length, taking him on the long drive home as he pooped and vomited and pissed the entire time. He's came to baseball games, long walks through town, parties and vacations -- all the while giving mom and dad and the kids joy, happiness and love.
For the last two years his health has steadily declined. The vet told us he has a fatty mass in his shoulder and arthritis, which has hampered his walking. He is on and off incontinent, sometimes going for days with losing it inside the house, while other times being very communicative about wanting to leave the house to do his business.
Through all of this, he still has a good appetite, wags his tail when we approach and stroke him, and nudges up beside anyone who offers attention.
All of this is heartbreaking for us, even as we realize that he will not last forever. So the question is, without us yet talking to the vet about this, when is it time to put him down?
We picked Max up when he was two months old, less than a foot in length, taking him on the long drive home as he pooped and vomited and pissed the entire time. He's came to baseball games, long walks through town, parties and vacations -- all the while giving mom and dad and the kids joy, happiness and love.
For the last two years his health has steadily declined. The vet told us he has a fatty mass in his shoulder and arthritis, which has hampered his walking. He is on and off incontinent, sometimes going for days with losing it inside the house, while other times being very communicative about wanting to leave the house to do his business.
Through all of this, he still has a good appetite, wags his tail when we approach and stroke him, and nudges up beside anyone who offers attention.
All of this is heartbreaking for us, even as we realize that he will not last forever. So the question is, without us yet talking to the vet about this, when is it time to put him down?
We had a terrible time with this decision with our 14 year old Golden. The turning point was when he was incontinent in the house everyday and didn't even realize it. But, being a Golden, he still had a smile on his face and would wag his tail. It was incredibly hard. This was 4.5 years ago and it's still hard.
In the end, we decided to err on the side of not letting him get worse - because that was the direction he was going fast.
I took a lot of comfort from our vet who didn't question our decision at all.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 6:50 PM on September 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
In the end, we decided to err on the side of not letting him get worse - because that was the direction he was going fast.
I took a lot of comfort from our vet who didn't question our decision at all.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 6:50 PM on September 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
A friend of mine recently struggled with this same decision. Her vet was so supportive and gentle, telling her, "if you know with a certainty that it's time, then it's actually past time." I don't think truer words were ever spoken and every time I see this question I'm taken back to that moment on the beach with my friend, holding her hand while she was taking that call from the vet.
I'm really sorry you're going through this.
posted by AnneBoleyn at 6:56 PM on September 23, 2017 [20 favorites]
I'm really sorry you're going through this.
posted by AnneBoleyn at 6:56 PM on September 23, 2017 [20 favorites]
I made the decision when my girl stopped eating. She just seemed to give up. After she got sick I was feeding her special soft food for about a week. At first she tried to help, licking and swallowing the special food, but by the end of the week I was squirting it down her throat with a syringe and rubbing her throat to get her to swallow. She just seemed to be done, I knew that it was selfish of me to keep her alive. She needed to rest.
She was only about 7 years old and the best dog I ever knew, so it was gut wrenching for me. I definitely second guessed myself over and over. It's been a few years since I lost her and I still get a stab in my heart when I think of her, but it was the right thing to let her go.
posted by TooFewShoes at 7:40 PM on September 23, 2017
She was only about 7 years old and the best dog I ever knew, so it was gut wrenching for me. I definitely second guessed myself over and over. It's been a few years since I lost her and I still get a stab in my heart when I think of her, but it was the right thing to let her go.
posted by TooFewShoes at 7:40 PM on September 23, 2017
Two lifestyles to consider: the dog's and yours. Neither can be sustained forever when the dog gets sick or weak enough.
If the dog isn't in intolerable, unmanageable pain or misery, nor suffering dementia, and it's doing the things it needs to do (eat, execise, rest, socialize) and can enjoy doing dog things, then it's probably not time. When your dog can't dog anymore at all, it's time.
Before that point, though, and as your dog gets worse, you'll spend more of your time, energy, and worry compensating for the dog's reduced ability to care for itself. As that effort on your part increases, it may someday be too much for you to handle. That day, you'll start falling short, interrupting or missing important life things, like lots of work, weddings, canceling trips, etc., and then it's time to reassess your capacity to compensate for the dog's aging. If it hits that point, then you start falling short of the owner in that the dog needs. You are the ship, and Max doesn't want to sink the ship.
That's when it's time. Identifying this time requires honest self-assessment of your abilities to master the dog.
Nobody questions your love for your furry best friend, but your capacity for care is finite, and Max doesn't want you to be miserable anymore than you want Max miserable. Sustain Max's life, but only as long as he wants to live and you are sustaining your own life.
posted by Sunburnt at 9:19 PM on September 23, 2017 [6 favorites]
If the dog isn't in intolerable, unmanageable pain or misery, nor suffering dementia, and it's doing the things it needs to do (eat, execise, rest, socialize) and can enjoy doing dog things, then it's probably not time. When your dog can't dog anymore at all, it's time.
Before that point, though, and as your dog gets worse, you'll spend more of your time, energy, and worry compensating for the dog's reduced ability to care for itself. As that effort on your part increases, it may someday be too much for you to handle. That day, you'll start falling short, interrupting or missing important life things, like lots of work, weddings, canceling trips, etc., and then it's time to reassess your capacity to compensate for the dog's aging. If it hits that point, then you start falling short of the owner in that the dog needs. You are the ship, and Max doesn't want to sink the ship.
That's when it's time. Identifying this time requires honest self-assessment of your abilities to master the dog.
Nobody questions your love for your furry best friend, but your capacity for care is finite, and Max doesn't want you to be miserable anymore than you want Max miserable. Sustain Max's life, but only as long as he wants to live and you are sustaining your own life.
posted by Sunburnt at 9:19 PM on September 23, 2017 [6 favorites]
The dilemma here is that obviously pets lack the ability to communicate to us their state of suffering/pain and generally what it is like for them to live any given day. All we can do is try to imagine what their level of pain and suffering might be. This is the only metric that matters. All of the memories and feelings between your dog and your family will always live on. You have to really forecast when a tipping point will occur where no amount of possible future states of positive subjective experience within the dog will be worth the level of suffering that will follow. It is going to be an intuition/gut call thing, but gracefully letting go happens sometime before that point is passed.
posted by incolorinred at 9:40 PM on September 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by incolorinred at 9:40 PM on September 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It's indescribably difficult.
The dogs I've had to put down were in obvious, terrible pain: the first from reoccurring tumors and the last from a common genetic condition to his breed. The way I knew was when normal everyday activities like walking and elimination were causing them pain and distress. No feeling creature should have to go through that.
Please know that most vets and their assistants are supremely skilled and compassionate when you have to put a pet down. Mine gave me as much time as I needed to say goodbye and let me caress them and talk to them while they gave the shot. My pets just closed their eyes as if they were going to sleep. And then it was all over. No more pain.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 10:28 PM on September 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
The dogs I've had to put down were in obvious, terrible pain: the first from reoccurring tumors and the last from a common genetic condition to his breed. The way I knew was when normal everyday activities like walking and elimination were causing them pain and distress. No feeling creature should have to go through that.
Please know that most vets and their assistants are supremely skilled and compassionate when you have to put a pet down. Mine gave me as much time as I needed to say goodbye and let me caress them and talk to them while they gave the shot. My pets just closed their eyes as if they were going to sleep. And then it was all over. No more pain.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 10:28 PM on September 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
My pets just closed their eyes as if they were going to sleep. And then it was all over. No more pain.
Just wanted to emphasize this -- I had to put my dog down earlier this year, and while it was awful for me, my dog wasn't in any distress for any of it. (Also, I was afraid that I'd feel like a dog-murderer afterwards, but I didn't.)
I think if your dog is losing his housetraining, it's definitely time to start thinking about it. But if he seems happy otherwise (eating, affectionate, etc.), you don't have to do it. It's tough.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 10:58 PM on September 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
Just wanted to emphasize this -- I had to put my dog down earlier this year, and while it was awful for me, my dog wasn't in any distress for any of it. (Also, I was afraid that I'd feel like a dog-murderer afterwards, but I didn't.)
I think if your dog is losing his housetraining, it's definitely time to start thinking about it. But if he seems happy otherwise (eating, affectionate, etc.), you don't have to do it. It's tough.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 10:58 PM on September 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
Well... I just did this with a dog just under 13 years. He went into renal failure. Incontinence and weird food patterns were something that happened a lot for about 6 months. But the last 3 days were a poop-fest... like a lot more than normal... and a lot less eating, followed by about 8 hours of agony for the dog as I waited for the vet to open. The end was bad, like, horrible bad.
I don't know if there was a marker earlier on... but, when the poop in the carpet started to smell metalic... it was over. Then it went to vomiting and then it went to diarrhea... and that was my nightmare 8 hours. I doubt he wasn't in pain in the days beforehand. He just liked to lie there, but movement became a chore, and yes he liked being patted and nearby... but... I can tell you now in retrospect, some of those times he made his way to walk over was to look at me - I thought it was to say 'Hi'. He was actually telling me it was time to say goodbye.
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:57 AM on September 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
I don't know if there was a marker earlier on... but, when the poop in the carpet started to smell metalic... it was over. Then it went to vomiting and then it went to diarrhea... and that was my nightmare 8 hours. I doubt he wasn't in pain in the days beforehand. He just liked to lie there, but movement became a chore, and yes he liked being patted and nearby... but... I can tell you now in retrospect, some of those times he made his way to walk over was to look at me - I thought it was to say 'Hi'. He was actually telling me it was time to say goodbye.
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:57 AM on September 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
You can regret going early; you absolutely WILL regret leaving it too late.
Is his pain well managed? Dogs are pack animals and mask their discomfort, so you need to make sure your vet is on board with aggressive pain management.
We provide end-of-life palliative care to terminally or degeneratively ill foster dogs, and my criteria is ANY of the following: 1) Pain or confusion that cannot be effectively managed at home; 2) incontinence that distresses the dog; 3) Seizures or other recurring medical events that, again, distress the dog; 4) Mobility hampered to the point where the dog is cut off from being with his pack, be it people or dogs, for significant periods of time because he cannot climb stairs or get in and out of the car or is angry, etc.
We've had dogs on 13 drugs a day who had amazing lives where all of the above was perfectly managed. We've put down a dog who had seizures that caused her to be incontinent and really, really upset her (1+2+3). We've put down a dog who could not climb stairs and was miserable without being able to sleep with her person (1+4). We've put down a dog who had seizures and incontinence that didn't bother her at all but who outlived her pain meds (1). I don't ever do this lightly, but in my experience at the point you start thinking about when it might be time, it's probably already time.
Remember that when you focus on buying the dog more time, you are focused on something the dog does not value. Dogs live entirely in the present. If you have the opportunity to give your dog one last absolutely amazing day filled with burgers and ice cream and a beach or a picnic blanket and people who love him, you are incredibly fortunate and it is so, so much better than many of the worst case scenarios where our aging dogs can take us.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:20 AM on September 24, 2017 [10 favorites]
Is his pain well managed? Dogs are pack animals and mask their discomfort, so you need to make sure your vet is on board with aggressive pain management.
We provide end-of-life palliative care to terminally or degeneratively ill foster dogs, and my criteria is ANY of the following: 1) Pain or confusion that cannot be effectively managed at home; 2) incontinence that distresses the dog; 3) Seizures or other recurring medical events that, again, distress the dog; 4) Mobility hampered to the point where the dog is cut off from being with his pack, be it people or dogs, for significant periods of time because he cannot climb stairs or get in and out of the car or is angry, etc.
We've had dogs on 13 drugs a day who had amazing lives where all of the above was perfectly managed. We've put down a dog who had seizures that caused her to be incontinent and really, really upset her (1+2+3). We've put down a dog who could not climb stairs and was miserable without being able to sleep with her person (1+4). We've put down a dog who had seizures and incontinence that didn't bother her at all but who outlived her pain meds (1). I don't ever do this lightly, but in my experience at the point you start thinking about when it might be time, it's probably already time.
Remember that when you focus on buying the dog more time, you are focused on something the dog does not value. Dogs live entirely in the present. If you have the opportunity to give your dog one last absolutely amazing day filled with burgers and ice cream and a beach or a picnic blanket and people who love him, you are incredibly fortunate and it is so, so much better than many of the worst case scenarios where our aging dogs can take us.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:20 AM on September 24, 2017 [10 favorites]
IMO the key factor is whether they're in pain or otherwise suffering. As long as they're enjoying life you should probably put up with the incontinence. You wouldn't put Grandma down for peeing herself.
I have a 16 year old Pomeranian who was diagnosed with heart problems and given a year to live, that was 2 or 3 years ago. I get to medicate her twice a day and occasionally we have to wash her bed or clean up a puddle (usually in the same room with the puppy pads, like she almost made it) and she leaves tiny little poop peanuts around where she sleeps (which is one room from the puppy pads). Most of the time she sleeps and for awhile when you wake her you can see that she's not really there. But sometimes she is. Mostly at 5:30 everyday when she starts barking for dinner.
Point to all that is that even when she's not there she's not suffering, she just seems a bit confused and when she is there then we get to hang out for awhile.
It doesn't sound like Max is suffering. Do what you can with him and adapt to his new limits and enjoy the time remaining.
posted by Awfki at 6:47 AM on September 24, 2017
I have a 16 year old Pomeranian who was diagnosed with heart problems and given a year to live, that was 2 or 3 years ago. I get to medicate her twice a day and occasionally we have to wash her bed or clean up a puddle (usually in the same room with the puppy pads, like she almost made it) and she leaves tiny little poop peanuts around where she sleeps (which is one room from the puppy pads). Most of the time she sleeps and for awhile when you wake her you can see that she's not really there. But sometimes she is. Mostly at 5:30 everyday when she starts barking for dinner.
Point to all that is that even when she's not there she's not suffering, she just seems a bit confused and when she is there then we get to hang out for awhile.
It doesn't sound like Max is suffering. Do what you can with him and adapt to his new limits and enjoy the time remaining.
posted by Awfki at 6:47 AM on September 24, 2017
We just put down our 15 year old cat last week. It was clear that things were never going to be better and would only get worse. Maybe we could have waited a few more days, but he died peacefully in my arms, oblivious to anything being wrong and never knowing any pain. I can't regret that.
posted by gatorae at 8:26 PM on September 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by gatorae at 8:26 PM on September 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
The dog I put down would chase horses, and run all day, get kicked and fall and roll, and still would run all day. She was older, maybe 16, but as a sturdy medium sized mutt, she should have lived longer. There you have it.
posted by Oyéah at 6:17 PM on September 23, 2017