helping a child be comfortable alone
September 15, 2017 11:10 AM Subscribe
My oldest child is 7 years old, very social, and very uncomfortable being alone. He doesn't want to use the bathroom at home by himself because he is afraid, for example. If he gets in trouble or fighting a lot with the other kids he can never be put somewhere else (his room) for a time out or just to chill out -- he will freak it and go through extreme measures to escape. How to get him more comfortable with being alone?
Out and about though he has had no problem doing things like happily getting on the school bus the first day of school while other kids clung to their parents, for example, or running around totally independently at school open houses.
We are trying to get him to be more independent and doing things for himself like dressing, showering, homework, etc. but a lot of these things in the end come down to being alone for a time which he is averse to. We have also always coslept and are fine with "child-led" cosleep weaning so we have never pushed this aloneness issue. Any advice on getting a child more comfortable being alone?
Out and about though he has had no problem doing things like happily getting on the school bus the first day of school while other kids clung to their parents, for example, or running around totally independently at school open houses.
We are trying to get him to be more independent and doing things for himself like dressing, showering, homework, etc. but a lot of these things in the end come down to being alone for a time which he is averse to. We have also always coslept and are fine with "child-led" cosleep weaning so we have never pushed this aloneness issue. Any advice on getting a child more comfortable being alone?
Have you asked him what bothers him about being alone?
2nding xyzzy's comment.
For our 6yo (with whom we have also co-slept until very recently, his decision), it has happened kind of organically. Like, if I'm in the kitchen while he's doing homework I'll say "I'll be back in a minute, I have to go out to the garage" or some such, and as these incidents have occurred I've been gone in longer increments. Sometimes if it's too long he'll come looking for me, but mostly he's learned to trust that I will return.
The other stuff (getting dressed, brushing his teeth, bathing) have kind of happened the same way.
My kiddo is fairly well able to articulate himself so if we ask him he'll tell us what's bothering him. If the only answer he can manage is "but I'm scared" we leave it right there for the moment, but gently raise the issue over the next few days until we can form a picture of what the issue is. We try to follow up with "what would help?" or "how can I help?" or "during the time I'm asking you to go brush your teeth I am using that time to get your brother dressed. I can't be in both rooms at once. What do you think we should do?" He does better when he is a part of the solution.
posted by vignettist at 11:50 AM on September 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
2nding xyzzy's comment.
For our 6yo (with whom we have also co-slept until very recently, his decision), it has happened kind of organically. Like, if I'm in the kitchen while he's doing homework I'll say "I'll be back in a minute, I have to go out to the garage" or some such, and as these incidents have occurred I've been gone in longer increments. Sometimes if it's too long he'll come looking for me, but mostly he's learned to trust that I will return.
The other stuff (getting dressed, brushing his teeth, bathing) have kind of happened the same way.
My kiddo is fairly well able to articulate himself so if we ask him he'll tell us what's bothering him. If the only answer he can manage is "but I'm scared" we leave it right there for the moment, but gently raise the issue over the next few days until we can form a picture of what the issue is. We try to follow up with "what would help?" or "how can I help?" or "during the time I'm asking you to go brush your teeth I am using that time to get your brother dressed. I can't be in both rooms at once. What do you think we should do?" He does better when he is a part of the solution.
posted by vignettist at 11:50 AM on September 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
This sounded to me like a type of anxiety disorder, so I checked into it and yep - autophobia/monophobia is a thing, related to agoraphobia type disorders. The symptoms of autophobia vary by case. However, there are some symptoms that a multitude of people with this disease suffer from. An intense amount of apprehension and anxiety when you are alone or think about situations where you would be secluded is one of the most common indications that a person is autophobic. People with this disorder also commonly believe that there is an impending disaster waiting to occur whenever they are left alone. For this reason, autophobes go to extreme lengths to avoid being in isolation.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:55 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:55 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
I don't have much solid advice for how to help, outside of reading the work that John Gottman has done on parent/child relationships, and work that others did following up. In the meantime, using solitude as a punishment for anyone in your family should stop. If being alone is treated as a punishment, it will feel like one.
posted by bilabial at 12:06 PM on September 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by bilabial at 12:06 PM on September 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
Ask him and make sure he knows he can tell you the truth. I mean, we had a situation at my house, with a child older than yours, who couldn't be alone for six months because she was afraid of the basilisk from Harry Potter. Many people, even adults, are creeped out by being alone in a room, especially after dark.
With regard to time-outs, sometimes they need to happen without isolation. Like, there's a chair in the corner of the room, and your time-out is you sit there, but you're not physically separated from the room; you're just in an allocated, specific corner of it with your butt on the chair. I used to do our time-outs in the downstairs bathroom with the door open, because she needed a time-out, but I couldn't exactly bar her from using the bathroom.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:13 PM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
With regard to time-outs, sometimes they need to happen without isolation. Like, there's a chair in the corner of the room, and your time-out is you sit there, but you're not physically separated from the room; you're just in an allocated, specific corner of it with your butt on the chair. I used to do our time-outs in the downstairs bathroom with the door open, because she needed a time-out, but I couldn't exactly bar her from using the bathroom.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:13 PM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
Check the school's curriculum. My son's school taught stranger danger but didn't adequately define who's a stranger. Ask him if anybody has done anything to scare him, and specifically anything he was told not to tell. A bad thing could have happened, though not likely. I get scared by ads on tv for movies, and I'm geezer-ish.
Ask him. Talk to a school social worker for advice and resources. Go to a therapist if it gets worse or if you feel like it's more than you can handle. It could be anxiety or a developmental shift that he's adapting to. Kids' brain components are developing, and all of a sudden, they may be aware of some new part of life. Your awareness and sensitivity makes a huge difference.
Re: co-sleeping. At some point, I started needing to reclaim my bed, so I put a comfy foam camping pad, pillow, and quilt under my bed. My son was allowed to come in and sleep any time. He usually came in to my bed for snuggling in the morning. It was a useful bridge between sleeping in my bed and sleeping alone in his room. Personally, I find sleeping alone over-rated.
posted by theora55 at 12:29 PM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
Ask him. Talk to a school social worker for advice and resources. Go to a therapist if it gets worse or if you feel like it's more than you can handle. It could be anxiety or a developmental shift that he's adapting to. Kids' brain components are developing, and all of a sudden, they may be aware of some new part of life. Your awareness and sensitivity makes a huge difference.
Re: co-sleeping. At some point, I started needing to reclaim my bed, so I put a comfy foam camping pad, pillow, and quilt under my bed. My son was allowed to come in and sleep any time. He usually came in to my bed for snuggling in the morning. It was a useful bridge between sleeping in my bed and sleeping alone in his room. Personally, I find sleeping alone over-rated.
posted by theora55 at 12:29 PM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
You may have already tried this, but have you tried standing outside the bathroom door with it open? And then sitting outside the open bathroom door, next to the door where he can't see, but he can talk to you. And then partially closing the door. And then completely closing the door, all with you still right outside. And then maybe you wait at the end of the hall (maybe door open again for a couple days). Very gradual.
Similarly maybe you get him engaged in something in his room, and then say, "I have to run to the kitchen to grab my book, you wait here" and when you come back you bring a Hershey's Kiss as a reward, and gradually increase the time you're "just running a quick errand" and leaving him alone.
When kids have irrational, but very real, fears like this, I think often the best way to handle it is in very, very small steps, so they can get used to each step and comfortable with each step. New things are scary when you're a kid! You have limited experience, limited abilities, you don't know what to do if something goes wrong and you're not great at predicting how things might go! And you often don't have a lot of control, which is scary in and of itself. So step-by-step helps, even if they're teeeeeeeny baby steps. We were also told by a child psychologist that when dealing with fears, you should acknowledge the fear (not say "Oh, this isn't scary at all!") and then focus on "you can" language, rather than "I want" language. So you don't say, "Oh, it's not scary! I want you to give it a try!" But rather, "I know it's scary for you. I also know that you can go to the bathroom by yourself, and we'll work on it together." Acknowledge the fear, confirm your support ("we'll work on it together"), but emphasize that "you can do it" so they hear "you can, you can, you can." Also if you can give him some control (like, when you're outside the bathroom and he can't see you, he can call you in if he needs you, or he can take a lovie or a book to the bathroom with him, or whatever), the fear will be less frightening. We all feel less-frightened when we feel like we're in control of a situation (see: feeling safer in a car you're driving than on a plane you're not, even though the plane's obviously safer), and sometimes refusing and freaking out and throwing tantrums are the only methods of control that kids have. So if you can give him some control as you work on the baby steps, it'll probably go better, whether that's the ability to bail out if he gets too scared, or if it's an action he can take ("squeeze the squeezey ball and count to ten if you feel too scared"), some kind of control for him will help.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:16 PM on September 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
Similarly maybe you get him engaged in something in his room, and then say, "I have to run to the kitchen to grab my book, you wait here" and when you come back you bring a Hershey's Kiss as a reward, and gradually increase the time you're "just running a quick errand" and leaving him alone.
When kids have irrational, but very real, fears like this, I think often the best way to handle it is in very, very small steps, so they can get used to each step and comfortable with each step. New things are scary when you're a kid! You have limited experience, limited abilities, you don't know what to do if something goes wrong and you're not great at predicting how things might go! And you often don't have a lot of control, which is scary in and of itself. So step-by-step helps, even if they're teeeeeeeny baby steps. We were also told by a child psychologist that when dealing with fears, you should acknowledge the fear (not say "Oh, this isn't scary at all!") and then focus on "you can" language, rather than "I want" language. So you don't say, "Oh, it's not scary! I want you to give it a try!" But rather, "I know it's scary for you. I also know that you can go to the bathroom by yourself, and we'll work on it together." Acknowledge the fear, confirm your support ("we'll work on it together"), but emphasize that "you can do it" so they hear "you can, you can, you can." Also if you can give him some control (like, when you're outside the bathroom and he can't see you, he can call you in if he needs you, or he can take a lovie or a book to the bathroom with him, or whatever), the fear will be less frightening. We all feel less-frightened when we feel like we're in control of a situation (see: feeling safer in a car you're driving than on a plane you're not, even though the plane's obviously safer), and sometimes refusing and freaking out and throwing tantrums are the only methods of control that kids have. So if you can give him some control as you work on the baby steps, it'll probably go better, whether that's the ability to bail out if he gets too scared, or if it's an action he can take ("squeeze the squeezey ball and count to ten if you feel too scared"), some kind of control for him will help.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:16 PM on September 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
Oh, also, do you have a closet or a nook, big enough only for him, that you could fit out with a bean bag chair and a cozy blanket and an LED reading lamp, ideally that's just off the living space or another place you spend a lot of time (your bedroom?)? If you made the floor of the coat closet (let us say) a cozy nook where he could go read a book or play with an iPad while ALSO still being able to see and hear everyone in the living room, that might be an interim step that helped him get more comfortable with being alone ... and with a dedicated closet nook (or whatever), extra people wouldn't FIT. (You could also talk it up as being his special thing where his siblings aren't allowed, that may also make it extra-shiney for him.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:20 PM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:20 PM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
I don't really think this is weird. Seven is the age where kids seem to realize there are things to be afraid of.
The bathroom thing seems the most pressing and where I would go with 'I simply can't. I can't do this with you. You have to go by yourself. You can sing, or I'll sing, and I'll be right here, but I'm not coming into the bathroom with you'.
My advice, which I guess is shitty, is don't make an issue out of it and provide support where needed and practical boundaries where they arise. I say this may be shitty because I can't help but notice my nine year old can't fall asleep by herself.
In this as with all of that sort of thing I figure she'll eventually find motivation to figure it out on her own.
There was a specific preceding factor when our kid got scared about being alone for the first time--it was the song 'The Ghost Of John' taught in music class, around Halloween.
Two years later, she's still not over it. ("Long white bones with the skin all gonnnnne...")
It was also at this age, and this time of year, when she started to notice darkness and say she was uncomfortable being in a bright room near a dark hallway --it gave her the creeps.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:47 PM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
The bathroom thing seems the most pressing and where I would go with 'I simply can't. I can't do this with you. You have to go by yourself. You can sing, or I'll sing, and I'll be right here, but I'm not coming into the bathroom with you'.
My advice, which I guess is shitty, is don't make an issue out of it and provide support where needed and practical boundaries where they arise. I say this may be shitty because I can't help but notice my nine year old can't fall asleep by herself.
In this as with all of that sort of thing I figure she'll eventually find motivation to figure it out on her own.
There was a specific preceding factor when our kid got scared about being alone for the first time--it was the song 'The Ghost Of John' taught in music class, around Halloween.
Two years later, she's still not over it. ("Long white bones with the skin all gonnnnne...")
It was also at this age, and this time of year, when she started to notice darkness and say she was uncomfortable being in a bright room near a dark hallway --it gave her the creeps.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:47 PM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
Have you tried any distraction type techniques, like music? It might not feel as empty or alone if there is music or a podcast playing during these alone times to distract him. I distract myself like this when I feel like my brain is being a jerk (anxiety/stress/repetitive thoughts). It gives me a bit of distance from my thoughts, which has been very helpful to me as an adult. Worth a try, an iPod (possibly used or something similar) and some earbuds would be relatively inexpensive.
posted by estronaut at 1:58 PM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by estronaut at 1:58 PM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
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posted by xyzzy at 11:39 AM on September 15, 2017 [6 favorites]