Bisexual online dating
September 1, 2017 7:23 AM Subscribe
After 6 miserable and fruitless years of online dating men, I would like to try online dating women. I have in the past dated both genders, but not through online dating. What should I know?
I'm an inverse Kathy Tu (of LBGQT podcast Nancy fame): an Asian bisexual woman who identifies as straight because it's just made my life easier. My romantic history is 2 relationships with men, one of whom I lost my virginity to, and 1 relationship with a woman, that wasn't sexual, and was prior to me losing my virginity. I've only ever had relationships with people I met through school or through friends. I have yet to have anyone I met through online dating make it to the relationship stage.
For the last six years, I've been slogging through online dating. I've tried it all: Okcupid, Match, eharmony, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, Hinge, The League. I've been on hundreds of dates, figuring that it is just a numbers game. I have never really made a real or meaningful connection, which gets pretty demoralizing after literally hundreds of dates. I've only been going on dates with men.
I recently listened to a podcast about a woman in her mid-20s who was still a virgin, talking about the terror of online dating, and in the follow-up, it turned out that dating men wasn't particularly exciting to her- and she ended up together with the first woman she met when deciding to try dating women! And I thought, maybe that's me (well, not the happy ending with the first woman I meet through online dating- maybe more that I should be widening my pool to meet more people since I do like both genders, rather than limiting myself due to gender normative issues)
I'd like to at least try this, but because I've only online dated men, I'm not really sure what the protocols are or what I should look out for. I have dated a woman before and was serious about it, but because I was fairly young and had a lot more anxiety issues at the time, we never got to the sex part. I do enjoy having sex with men. One of the most difficult parts about dealing with my sexuality is that bisexuality still isn't as accepted as just being straight, or just being gay, and since on the Kinsey scale I'm closer to straight, for a really long time I've just identified as straight, especially as an Asian woman. I do not want to discuss my issues with my sexuality here on metafilter in this question, as that's something I'll be addressing in therapy.
I'd like to try online dating women. Is it as difficult as online dating men? Is it more difficult? Will people think I'm just using them to figure out my sexuality since I've only dated men for the last decade? Have you switched from one gender preference to another in online dating? How did it go? Have you done bisexual online dating from the get-go? What's it like?
Not sure if this will help, but- I'm located in the San Francisco Bay Area, an area where it'll probably be easier to make this switch than, say, in the mid-west, or if I still lived in Asia.
I'm an inverse Kathy Tu (of LBGQT podcast Nancy fame): an Asian bisexual woman who identifies as straight because it's just made my life easier. My romantic history is 2 relationships with men, one of whom I lost my virginity to, and 1 relationship with a woman, that wasn't sexual, and was prior to me losing my virginity. I've only ever had relationships with people I met through school or through friends. I have yet to have anyone I met through online dating make it to the relationship stage.
For the last six years, I've been slogging through online dating. I've tried it all: Okcupid, Match, eharmony, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, Hinge, The League. I've been on hundreds of dates, figuring that it is just a numbers game. I have never really made a real or meaningful connection, which gets pretty demoralizing after literally hundreds of dates. I've only been going on dates with men.
I recently listened to a podcast about a woman in her mid-20s who was still a virgin, talking about the terror of online dating, and in the follow-up, it turned out that dating men wasn't particularly exciting to her- and she ended up together with the first woman she met when deciding to try dating women! And I thought, maybe that's me (well, not the happy ending with the first woman I meet through online dating- maybe more that I should be widening my pool to meet more people since I do like both genders, rather than limiting myself due to gender normative issues)
I'd like to at least try this, but because I've only online dated men, I'm not really sure what the protocols are or what I should look out for. I have dated a woman before and was serious about it, but because I was fairly young and had a lot more anxiety issues at the time, we never got to the sex part. I do enjoy having sex with men. One of the most difficult parts about dealing with my sexuality is that bisexuality still isn't as accepted as just being straight, or just being gay, and since on the Kinsey scale I'm closer to straight, for a really long time I've just identified as straight, especially as an Asian woman. I do not want to discuss my issues with my sexuality here on metafilter in this question, as that's something I'll be addressing in therapy.
I'd like to try online dating women. Is it as difficult as online dating men? Is it more difficult? Will people think I'm just using them to figure out my sexuality since I've only dated men for the last decade? Have you switched from one gender preference to another in online dating? How did it go? Have you done bisexual online dating from the get-go? What's it like?
Not sure if this will help, but- I'm located in the San Francisco Bay Area, an area where it'll probably be easier to make this switch than, say, in the mid-west, or if I still lived in Asia.
The "hide me from the straight people" checkbox on OKC is wonderful and I recommend it highly.
You'll probably have to be a bit more proactive in messaging people you're interested in, but on the whole I find it much safer-feeling and less stressful than online dating men. I'm personally a believer in putting anything you worry might be off-putting upfront in your profile, so I think it's fine to say that you're bi and you've been dating mostly men but are more interested in women lately. Message people you like the look of and they'll either reply or they won't. Have fun!
posted by corvine at 7:55 AM on September 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
You'll probably have to be a bit more proactive in messaging people you're interested in, but on the whole I find it much safer-feeling and less stressful than online dating men. I'm personally a believer in putting anything you worry might be off-putting upfront in your profile, so I think it's fine to say that you're bi and you've been dating mostly men but are more interested in women lately. Message people you like the look of and they'll either reply or they won't. Have fun!
posted by corvine at 7:55 AM on September 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
Okay so - I'm a high kinsey queer woman who often just identifies as lesbian, and I have only dated women online. I assume you're going to say that you're bi in your profile, if it's a service that has you list your orientation, so if you're interested in dating women and only women, you need to say that fairly high up in your profile. You will also need to say "no couples" unless you want every swinging couple in a 30 mile radius to hit on you for sex. You will still get hit on by couples, but probably slightly fewer of them. I would recommend blocking straight people from seeing your profile because it cuts down on the creep factor in a major way.
Things to know:
You are looking at a much smaller group of people if you want to date women than just dating men. There's some truth to it being a numbers game, but queer women are a much smaller population than straight men.
You need to be comfortable taking the initiative - if you see a woman you want to talk to, you need to talk to her. There are definitely lesbians out there who won't date bi women. Just don't take it personally, but also don't spend your life chasing after them.
It sounds like you're not totally out of the closet, what with the identifying as straight because it's easy thing. You may want to reconsider how out and visible you are. Being closeted or wanting to pass as straight for convenience is a huge warning sign to a lot of queer women. I personally wouldn't date someone who wasn't fully out of the closet, or who was uncomfortable holding my hand in public, or who wasn't excited to tell her friends about me.
Finally, it's great if you want to do this because you're genuinely interested in and excited about women, but it's not at all cool to do this if you're just fed up with men. None of us want to be your second choice and many of us have had this happen before.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:06 AM on September 1, 2017 [7 favorites]
Things to know:
You are looking at a much smaller group of people if you want to date women than just dating men. There's some truth to it being a numbers game, but queer women are a much smaller population than straight men.
You need to be comfortable taking the initiative - if you see a woman you want to talk to, you need to talk to her. There are definitely lesbians out there who won't date bi women. Just don't take it personally, but also don't spend your life chasing after them.
It sounds like you're not totally out of the closet, what with the identifying as straight because it's easy thing. You may want to reconsider how out and visible you are. Being closeted or wanting to pass as straight for convenience is a huge warning sign to a lot of queer women. I personally wouldn't date someone who wasn't fully out of the closet, or who was uncomfortable holding my hand in public, or who wasn't excited to tell her friends about me.
Finally, it's great if you want to do this because you're genuinely interested in and excited about women, but it's not at all cool to do this if you're just fed up with men. None of us want to be your second choice and many of us have had this happen before.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:06 AM on September 1, 2017 [7 favorites]
Queer OKC and Tinder! Totally different experiences than the hetero side. Echoing "hide from straights." List yourself as queer / lesbian / gay, then if you like note you are bisexual but currently dating women in your profile. (This is simply to sway your statistics, not to hide your sexuality! You will be swamped by straight men and unicorn-hunters otherwise, the algorithms and assholes will tilt too far.) I'd also recommend browsing lots of profiles to see what's trending, queerworld has different keywords and styles you may want to borrow to maximize your success.
Be bold about messaging, especially now that OKC has gotten rid of "who's looking at you." Broadly, I find opening lines for queers are... more authentic and casual? Than the sometimes over-involved or smarmy "Impress me!" or "I'm so impressive!" lines from dudes. Be cute or talk about something in her profile and if she responds positively, offer your number and ask her on a date. If it gets to sexy times, just ask her what she likes! She'll guide you.
Will people think I'm just using them to figure out my sexuality since I've only dated men for the last decade?
Maybe. There's biphobia everywhere, including in the queer community. But if you're up front and sincere, you'll do okay. This line concerns me though: "an Asian bisexual woman who identifies as straight because it's just made my life easier." Kinsey 5s and 6s can't pass just to make things easy. So if you're dating someone who's out, you need to be too. Don't ever ask a proud queer to hide because you're ashamed or haven't dealt with your shit. It's beyond rude, it's unconscionable. We've worked too hard to make it out of our own closets. Don't shunt that labor back on someone else.
posted by fritillary at 9:28 AM on September 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
Be bold about messaging, especially now that OKC has gotten rid of "who's looking at you." Broadly, I find opening lines for queers are... more authentic and casual? Than the sometimes over-involved or smarmy "Impress me!" or "I'm so impressive!" lines from dudes. Be cute or talk about something in her profile and if she responds positively, offer your number and ask her on a date. If it gets to sexy times, just ask her what she likes! She'll guide you.
Will people think I'm just using them to figure out my sexuality since I've only dated men for the last decade?
Maybe. There's biphobia everywhere, including in the queer community. But if you're up front and sincere, you'll do okay. This line concerns me though: "an Asian bisexual woman who identifies as straight because it's just made my life easier." Kinsey 5s and 6s can't pass just to make things easy. So if you're dating someone who's out, you need to be too. Don't ever ask a proud queer to hide because you're ashamed or haven't dealt with your shit. It's beyond rude, it's unconscionable. We've worked too hard to make it out of our own closets. Don't shunt that labor back on someone else.
posted by fritillary at 9:28 AM on September 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
since on the Kinsey scale I'm closer to straight,
Are you really, though? Or have you just been self-identifying that way?
I had very similar thoughts in the past few years. I also had mostly dated men and had a ton of anxiety about dating women and whether I was 'allowed to' since I was 'more into men.' But as it turns out, I'm NOT more into men - I just have more HISTORY with men, more data points, and I let my anxiety twist that around and turn my history into my identity.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:25 AM on September 1, 2017 [7 favorites]
Are you really, though? Or have you just been self-identifying that way?
I had very similar thoughts in the past few years. I also had mostly dated men and had a ton of anxiety about dating women and whether I was 'allowed to' since I was 'more into men.' But as it turns out, I'm NOT more into men - I just have more HISTORY with men, more data points, and I let my anxiety twist that around and turn my history into my identity.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:25 AM on September 1, 2017 [7 favorites]
Will people think I'm just using them to figure out my sexuality since I've only dated men for the last decade?
Not necessarily! Answering as a queer/lesbian woman who has done a little OKC dating in the relatively recent past, there are lots of women out there who seem to be in similar situations. I am sure it is a turn-off for some not-bi folks, but there are others (like me) for whom it would be a non-issue. There is also always the option of dating another bi woman, even potentially someone in a similar situation to you.
I would just suggest avoiding language like "questioning" or "trying to figure out"... it sounds like you know you are bi, and I think people who are not sure if they are queer or not yet are the ones with the hardest sell to make. Biphobia is definitely real, but you have certainty about your interest in women and a romantic (if not sexual) history with a woman on your side. I think you are far from being in the most challenging possible gay lady dating situation.
Definitely don't be shy to send the first message, or to be the one who asks for the date. And good luck!
posted by snorkmaiden at 8:25 AM on September 3, 2017
Not necessarily! Answering as a queer/lesbian woman who has done a little OKC dating in the relatively recent past, there are lots of women out there who seem to be in similar situations. I am sure it is a turn-off for some not-bi folks, but there are others (like me) for whom it would be a non-issue. There is also always the option of dating another bi woman, even potentially someone in a similar situation to you.
I would just suggest avoiding language like "questioning" or "trying to figure out"... it sounds like you know you are bi, and I think people who are not sure if they are queer or not yet are the ones with the hardest sell to make. Biphobia is definitely real, but you have certainty about your interest in women and a romantic (if not sexual) history with a woman on your side. I think you are far from being in the most challenging possible gay lady dating situation.
Definitely don't be shy to send the first message, or to be the one who asks for the date. And good luck!
posted by snorkmaiden at 8:25 AM on September 3, 2017
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Some people may think you're using them to figure out your sexuality. Others may not. I went on a couple of online dates when I actually was trying to figure out my sexuality, and the woman I went on these dates with was cool with that -- I was up front with her about it.
I can't speak to the "is it as difficult as online dating men?" piece, but I will say that my (limited) experience with online dating sites when my profile was hidden from straight people was much more humane/courteous than what I hear of my straight friends' experiences.
posted by coppermoss at 7:48 AM on September 1, 2017