sometimes it's just easier to fake it... [nsfw]
September 1, 2017 7:21 AM Subscribe
In the ideal world, nobody should ever fake an orgasm. But sometimes -- because I want sex to stop, because I don't want to explain I'm on SSRIs and can't, because I'm not comfortable yet with the very particular manuevers it takes, because it's just not happening tonight -- it's just easier, nicer, and better to fake it.
My question I suppose is for tips in this regard -- what makes for a believable, good fake orgasm? Asking from the perspective of a female sleeping with men primarily, but interested in responses from all sides. I know the correct answer is to only sleep with people who I trust enough to address all the issues above. But I'm interested in the incorrect answers too..
My question I suppose is for tips in this regard -- what makes for a believable, good fake orgasm? Asking from the perspective of a female sleeping with men primarily, but interested in responses from all sides. I know the correct answer is to only sleep with people who I trust enough to address all the issues above. But I'm interested in the incorrect answers too..
My question I suppose is for tips in this regard -- what makes for a believable, good fake orgasm?
Sleeping with a man who's never been with a woman having a real one and doesn't understand what they are. because you really can't convincingly fake involuntary muscle movements though conscious replication. I am not saying this to shame you into the "correct" response, just saying that men who can be managed this way will be ignorant and shit in bed. or else know better and just pretend to believe you out of politeness. though the latter is probably ideal, if the whole point is to avoid awkward conversations.
more seriously, although the above is dead serious, if you've had them in the past, with or without other people, just do the same things you do then. don't put on a show unless you would anyway, just say "yes" if he asks if you came. otherwise what will you do if you sleep with him again and actually do come, but he doesn't believe it because you reacted naturally and he's never seen that? in this fancy world we live in there are women who scream and thrash around like they're being murdered and women who hold perfectly still and say STOP TALKING, I'M CONCENTRATING and if you're doing this for your own convenience, just do whatever takes the least possible amount of effort.
I also don't think there's any reason faking should be the main alternative to trusting a man with all your intimate history and medical details. you should be able to just say hey, you can stop now, I'm done. but only you know what you're dealing with, man-wise. but like, you don't have to be subservient to his ego or your imagination of his ego just because you don't know him very well. that's awful. (for you.)
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:47 AM on September 1, 2017 [5 favorites]
Sleeping with a man who's never been with a woman having a real one and doesn't understand what they are. because you really can't convincingly fake involuntary muscle movements though conscious replication. I am not saying this to shame you into the "correct" response, just saying that men who can be managed this way will be ignorant and shit in bed. or else know better and just pretend to believe you out of politeness. though the latter is probably ideal, if the whole point is to avoid awkward conversations.
more seriously, although the above is dead serious, if you've had them in the past, with or without other people, just do the same things you do then. don't put on a show unless you would anyway, just say "yes" if he asks if you came. otherwise what will you do if you sleep with him again and actually do come, but he doesn't believe it because you reacted naturally and he's never seen that? in this fancy world we live in there are women who scream and thrash around like they're being murdered and women who hold perfectly still and say STOP TALKING, I'M CONCENTRATING and if you're doing this for your own convenience, just do whatever takes the least possible amount of effort.
I also don't think there's any reason faking should be the main alternative to trusting a man with all your intimate history and medical details. you should be able to just say hey, you can stop now, I'm done. but only you know what you're dealing with, man-wise. but like, you don't have to be subservient to his ego or your imagination of his ego just because you don't know him very well. that's awful. (for you.)
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:47 AM on September 1, 2017 [5 favorites]
it's just easier, nicer, and better to fake it
Yeah, I also disagree with your basic premise here. A possible middle ground, instead of fake sighs or groans or whatever could be a heavy exhalation with an accompanying, "Whew; that was fun," unless it wasn't fun but that's a different question.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 7:52 AM on September 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I also disagree with your basic premise here. A possible middle ground, instead of fake sighs or groans or whatever could be a heavy exhalation with an accompanying, "Whew; that was fun," unless it wasn't fun but that's a different question.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 7:52 AM on September 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
Mod note: Folks, let's take it as read that the asker is talking about their personal preferences, not declaring a universal truth, and aim more for answering the question asked in that spirit from this point.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:55 AM on September 1, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:55 AM on September 1, 2017 [6 favorites]
Lose motor control. Floppy arms. A bit of difficultly speaking. Changes in cadence/pitch of whatever mouth sounds you're making. At the end of the convulsey bit you can sort of languidly tap them on the shoulder or whatever body part is convenient to you, and say "I'm good. That's good. Oh. Good. Thanks." Something sort of disjointed like that.
I will add that although my sex life got a thousand times better when I got more skill in choosing sex partners who could handle me not having an orgasm, I don't believe any woman ever perfects this skill of choosing the guy who won't be an ass about this. Sex partners are always a Schroedingers situation and folks who are lucky enough not to have experienced the guy who is determined to not stop until you "are satisfied" (despite you saying you are done!) live lives of blissful ignorance that I envy. You are being good to yourself by managing these expectations. You'll get better at all of these skills. Anyone who gives you a hard time about this can come yell at me. I give you permission to fake an orgasm with every sexual encounter from here to eternity if that's what you need to do. Orgasms are still fairly mysterious even to the folks that study them for a living.
posted by bilabial at 8:06 AM on September 1, 2017 [12 favorites]
I will add that although my sex life got a thousand times better when I got more skill in choosing sex partners who could handle me not having an orgasm, I don't believe any woman ever perfects this skill of choosing the guy who won't be an ass about this. Sex partners are always a Schroedingers situation and folks who are lucky enough not to have experienced the guy who is determined to not stop until you "are satisfied" (despite you saying you are done!) live lives of blissful ignorance that I envy. You are being good to yourself by managing these expectations. You'll get better at all of these skills. Anyone who gives you a hard time about this can come yell at me. I give you permission to fake an orgasm with every sexual encounter from here to eternity if that's what you need to do. Orgasms are still fairly mysterious even to the folks that study them for a living.
posted by bilabial at 8:06 AM on September 1, 2017 [12 favorites]
Everyone's orgasm is different. And most men really don't know much about female orgasm anyway. So you can be as minimalist as shutting your eyes for a moment and sighing, or saying "yessssss!" or whatever. It really doesn't matter. 95% of men will believe you — will want to believe you — if you say you came. For the small number that are checking whether your nipples are erect or your face is flushed, or are secretly monitoring your pulse — they might know the truth but do you care?
posted by ubiquity at 8:35 AM on September 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by ubiquity at 8:35 AM on September 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
I think what matters here is setting an expectation both for yourself and your partner that you can and do enjoy sex regardless of whether or not you have an orgasm. And so you don't actually need to fake an orgasm, but just demonstrate that you are having a good time and that you are getting pleasure from what you are both doing.
If you're not enjoying the sex, don't have it. But if you enjoying things, but just aren't going to come, then just focus on enjoying the moment and being demonstrative about it. When your partner touches you in a way that feels great , then moan, sigh, writhe, or better yet say, in the moment, "that feels great," or, "don't stop," so your partner can start to learn what you like. And then when you're ready to stop, just let out one more large sigh, moan, writhe to put an exclamation point on things.
I think very few people actually have earth shattering sex the first time out because each person has different turn-ons and it takes a few times out to learn what to do. So you can relax and know that in those first couple of rounds of sex you don't have prove anything.
I do think it's important not to remain silent about your preferences or needs for too long otherwise you're sending the wrong message about what turns you on and the longer you wait the more awkward it gets to correct the record. And a GGG partner wants to see you get off and shouldn't take offense.
posted by brookeb at 9:35 AM on September 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
If you're not enjoying the sex, don't have it. But if you enjoying things, but just aren't going to come, then just focus on enjoying the moment and being demonstrative about it. When your partner touches you in a way that feels great , then moan, sigh, writhe, or better yet say, in the moment, "that feels great," or, "don't stop," so your partner can start to learn what you like. And then when you're ready to stop, just let out one more large sigh, moan, writhe to put an exclamation point on things.
I think very few people actually have earth shattering sex the first time out because each person has different turn-ons and it takes a few times out to learn what to do. So you can relax and know that in those first couple of rounds of sex you don't have prove anything.
I do think it's important not to remain silent about your preferences or needs for too long otherwise you're sending the wrong message about what turns you on and the longer you wait the more awkward it gets to correct the record. And a GGG partner wants to see you get off and shouldn't take offense.
posted by brookeb at 9:35 AM on September 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
I am so, so opposed to this Q, but... kegels feel very similar to contractions.
posted by fritillary at 9:35 AM on September 1, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by fritillary at 9:35 AM on September 1, 2017 [5 favorites]
Yeah, I tend to go the honest route and not fake it, but on the occasions where I want to (especially to that guy who takes 'I'm not going to get off tonight' as a challenge to go down on you or jackhammer you for 30 more minutes), the usual tensing and releasing of your body, some quick shallow breaths and maybe a moan or just a final hard exhale, and fake contracting of your vag muscles (like doing Kegels like fritillary said above). I have found that sometimes, if I'm on the edge and haven't quite lost it entirely, faking it (especially with the kegels) makes me actually come. So there's that.
posted by greta simone at 10:17 AM on September 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by greta simone at 10:17 AM on September 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
If your partner can see your face in the position you're in, then you should consider an O-face, a face of ecstasy that has no care for how it looks in that instant. Breathing is thoughtless of any sucking or huffing sounds it's making, eyes unfocused (or closed, your call), or maybe lids drooping. It's not always a pretty face, it's a face of unreserved intensity.
posted by Sunburnt at 2:37 PM on September 1, 2017
posted by Sunburnt at 2:37 PM on September 1, 2017
There's room for disagreement regarding fake orgasms! I've faked plenty of orgasms, with zero guilt. I feel like it makes the sex a little more satisfying for everybody, since pretending to come can feel kind of good for me if I do it right and the person I'm with isn't left with needless fodder for neurotic self-doubt. For me, saying "I didn't come, but it was fun" would just feel like TMI. (Maybe if I wanted them to do something different next time, to help me come, then I'd say it. But otherwise I'd feel tactless telling them they almost got me there.)
In a way, what I do isn't REALLY faking. I'm just taking my sincere pleasure and turning up the volume. If somebody asked me if I came, and I said yes, that would be lying. But I don't remember anybody asking. So, polite fiction FTW!
Here's what you do. Are you feeling really good, having the sex? Like, good enough that you're already sighing and moaning and all that? Well, you focus on that good feeling and imagine that it's building until you're coming. You imagine that rush, that feeling of being overwhelmed with pleasure, and you breathe harder and tense up all your muscles and squinch up your face, making the kind of sounds you make when you have an orgasm. (Don't carry on like a porn star, making sounds you wouldn't usually make.) Doing this you may well find that you do experience a quasi-orgasmic feeling, that you're not just faking. Fake it 'til you make it!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 9:43 PM on September 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
In a way, what I do isn't REALLY faking. I'm just taking my sincere pleasure and turning up the volume. If somebody asked me if I came, and I said yes, that would be lying. But I don't remember anybody asking. So, polite fiction FTW!
Here's what you do. Are you feeling really good, having the sex? Like, good enough that you're already sighing and moaning and all that? Well, you focus on that good feeling and imagine that it's building until you're coming. You imagine that rush, that feeling of being overwhelmed with pleasure, and you breathe harder and tense up all your muscles and squinch up your face, making the kind of sounds you make when you have an orgasm. (Don't carry on like a porn star, making sounds you wouldn't usually make.) Doing this you may well find that you do experience a quasi-orgasmic feeling, that you're not just faking. Fake it 'til you make it!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 9:43 PM on September 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
Sounds mostly, but you have to be having fun with it at some level (even just expressing yourself) or else it won't sound genuine. Kegels may help but I don't think they are necessary. I feel like that is the main dilemma of this question, my vote is they are not needed. I would try to be facing away from the person. Wouldn't that reduce stage fright?
posted by benadryl at 12:43 AM on September 2, 2017
posted by benadryl at 12:43 AM on September 2, 2017
Well so the trick here, if you're with the same person all the time, is that you define what it looks like. So maybe just silently cling on real tight with your arms and legs and jam yourself on him, immobilizing him, and tense all your muscles for 10-15 seconds. Then afterwards you say, you know, sometimes when I come, I can't help [the thing you did]. I can't control it. It's amazing. I hope you don't mind that.
The next time, that's what you do again. Pick something easy, not porn thrashing and screaming.
posted by ctmf at 1:28 PM on September 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
The next time, that's what you do again. Pick something easy, not porn thrashing and screaming.
posted by ctmf at 1:28 PM on September 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Nope, I promise you it's way easier just to say I'm done when you're done. Unless putting on a performance is fun for you, just calling it when you're finished is perfectly fine.
As for it being nicer??? I give precisely zero fucks about a dude's feelings if he wants to whine about having sex with me when I do not want to have sex with him.
A simple "everything is okay, I just know I'm not going to come tonight," is entirely sufficient when you're having sex with someone who doesn't suck.
posted by phunniemee at 7:40 AM on September 1, 2017 [47 favorites]