How can I become sexually healthy again?
August 16, 2017 3:57 PM   Subscribe

I am suffering from sexual burn out – physically and mentally. Help!!!

I feel sexually burned out. I am having problems getting erection's solo or with a partner and climaxing with a partner. I am 42 years old. Regular sexual things don't make me hard or make me come any longer. I still love boobs and blowjobs and the like, but I require extreme porn by myself and fantasizing about extreme things when with a partner they don't know this. I have moral problems with some of the things I watch. I need to watch things that r psychological and almost non-sexual fetishes. They are legal but disgusting. Like many I have graduated to more extreme things to get off. These are things that I don't want in real life and I can't/don't want to incorporate with my partner. I want to be normal again. I will be Intimate with my partner and I am turned on but my dick doesn't cooperate

I am familiar with no fap and your brain on porn. I am not sure if I have just been Desensitized by porn or what. How do I heal? Is it just Time? I recently went a month without masturbating and that didn't help. I currently have a partner, so at least I have an outlet. I don't feel like it is reasonable for an adult men do not have sex or masturbate or look at porn for 3 to 6 months at some of the sites advocate. If this is my problem, is there a way to get better without telling my partner that I can't have sex for months? I am willing to give up porn and masturbation. How will I cum if I don't fantasize? Why I ever get hard to a set of boobs again like I did when I was a teenager?

I am physically fit but suffer from depression. Often I just want to orgasm so that I can feel good for a minute. I will be watching TV and see a woman or see one in the grocery store and need to masturbate. I also don't like that I have reduced women to body parts and sex objects and sexualized them to this extent.

For the last decade plus, I had to fantasize during sex about Gangbangs and Rape etc to climax. I don't know if this is common for wrong. I have always been attracted to my partners. I haven't wanted to incorporate anything that they aren't doing.

My goal is to stop watching this shit and as much as is Realistic have my sexual release be with women that I am in a relationship with. I want to have normal erections and normal sex. I realize that normal is a loaded word.

I don't have the insurance or money to see a therapist. How can I conquer this on my own. Is it just Time? How do I regain my physical and mental sensitivity? I want sex to be beautiful and fun again, not ugly
posted by EddieF to Health & Fitness (7 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

Just as a reality check, a lot of women I know tend to fantasize about extreme scenarios or other people while having sex. This is not a claim about female sexuality in general, but I think many men assume women are always "in the moment" because we are somehow less sexual or more inherently moral than men. But that's not true. Your partner probably doesn't want to hear about all the sex fantasies you have while having sex, but it's not outlandish to imagine that if you mentioned that you fantasize she'd say, "yeah, and?" (or "so do I, but how dare you!" which is a pretty instinctual human response).

I don't know if that helps alleviate any of your feelings of shame, but it might be useful in that you can set a realistic goal for yourself-- being aroused by an in person experience-- without holding yourself to a lofty moral standard of thinking of nothing else, ever.

i know there is distance between what I described and being totally unable to get aroused by an in person experience, but don't be too hard on yourself. And don't watch porn for awhile if you haven't already cut that out. (Honestly you might just be getting older and less sensitive?)
posted by stoneandstar at 8:10 PM on August 16, 2017 [3 favorites]

Mky. A lot to unpack here.

So a lot of my experience is in the kink world. While I wouldn't necessarily call rape play or gangbangs mainstream, even in the community I hang out in, they certainly aren't shocking, horrifying or taboo. In fact, quite a lot of ladies mention interest in some sort of rough sex, rape play, or other consensual-nonconsent play.

It is absolutely possible for someone to consent to rape play and enjoy it.

I'm not 100percent sure if your interests are pretty exclusively rape and or gangbangs, or if you have other interests you didn't want to mention. But regardless,you seem to have pretty intense negative feelings about your thoughts and desires. Internalizing guilt, shame, disgust, etc, about sexual desires can be rough on a sex drive.

Normally I reccomend getting hormones checked, eating well, and getting exercise. And those all help. But this "see a woman or see one in the grocery store and need to masturbate" makes me suspect the problems are more psychological than physical. Though depression is brutal re: arousal, too.

You say need, there. Is that a compulsion? Strong desire? Sometimes thing? If it is a compulsion, that is a bigger problem than if not. Many psychologists will work with you on a "sliding scale fee" basically, pay what you can afford. This often has a wait list, but worth looking in to.

Fantasizing about rape or other extreme stuff is pretty normal, all things said and done. I count about a dozen negative refrences to your fantasies in your post, though, which is concerning. I'm really thinking that you are putting a lot of burden on yourself, thinking that you are somehow "bad and dirty" for having them. Accepting kinky or unusual interests and being able to discuss them -even if you never act on any or some of them- could be freeing. There almost certainly is a kink group in your area that would be willing to answer questions. I reccomend 's events page to find local groups.

And you can always message me if there is anything at all you think I can help with.
posted by Jacen at 8:59 PM on August 16, 2017 [8 favorites]

I also just realized that you said it seems unrealistic to not look at porn for 3-6 months, but it's really not. I know not a few men who don't look at porn ever, and a few more who only do occasionally. And I know a lot of men who watch porn frequently and don't have a problem with it. But if you want to become more sensitive I don't think it will be easy (or even possible) without cutting out the porn habit for awhile.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:46 PM on August 16, 2017 [5 favorites]

You don't have insurance or the money to see a therapist, you say. I believe you. But honestly, this is a big thing to try to fix on your own. Depending on where you live, there may be a low-cost clinic or other resources to help. Please check if you haven't and ask for help.

Like Jacen, I'm a kinky person. I don't think what arouses us makes us bad people. Bad behaviour is bad but not thoughts. Still, that's not the point. The point is that you're having a challenging time. And it's totally possible that being depressed is the root of your sexual problems as much as anything.

I am not a doctor, I have no idea how you should tackle this. But consider reading Come as You Are partly to read something that's informative about sexual arousal and how it works in different ways for different people. And it does it in a completely non-judgemental way. While it's about female sexual response, it might be surprisingly helpful to you. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:59 PM on August 16, 2017 [2 favorites]

Evolution doesn't care if you are a rapist or if you get raped, or if you your cousin dies in childbirth or if you have to father ten kids in order to have any descendants. (It could be worse. Some species have to get eaten by their partner, or eaten by their children in order to reproduce.) All evolution cares about is making sure that your genes exist somewhere in some form after you are gone and if you have a miserable time of it, well maybe that means you'll fit the random environment you ended up in better.

So one of the many back-up strategies with which you have been wired (and yes, women are wired with this back-up strategy too) is the potential to rape. Fortunately for you, and me, and everyone around you, you have not grown up in a situation where you were exposed to violence, encouraged to a sense of entitlement, developed certain common neurological deficits (empathy, impulse control etc.), and have access to fertile and vulnerable females. Unfortunately for whatever reason the imaginary concept of non-consensual sex has become an integral part of your sexual arousal and this is doing two bad things.

The first is that it is making you ashamed as if thinking about it is the same as actually wanting to do it, which it is not, and the second is that it is isolating you from your partners because when you might be experiencing intimacy you are instead experiencing shame and withholding information about yourself that is a basic part of your sexuality.

So you need to stop being ashamed and you need to experience intimacy with your partners.

The magic wand solution is to stop being aroused by rape fantasy. Not going to happen. You have a long standing history of rape fantasy, so by now it is probably an integral component of your sexuality. It may have been an integral component of your sexuality before you understood what sexuality was. It is for many people who have an attraction to non-cons. As kids there were certain sexually charged scenes in books and movies that were really interesting and they didn't know why, that involved things that were scary like kidnapping and couldn't be described as overtly sexual. Linking the domination to sex came later. Now you may not fall into this category, but if your fascination with rape fantasy started that far back you chance of dislodging it from your psyche may be as difficult as turning a gay person straight.

Fortunately you do not need to completely stop having rape fantasies in order to stop being ashamed and in order to experience intimacy with your partners. Far from it. First of all be aware that more women have rape fantasies than men. So there are more women our there looking for a male partner to share her rape fantasies than there are men out there looking for women looking for a man to share her rape fantasy. That may still present a problem, as actually finding a compatible partner may not be a realistic option at the moment, given that you don't mention your current partner situation - you might be in a long term monogamous situation already. But in terms of shame, consider that you are actually considered a desirable partner because of your internal life.

This is a wikipedia link on rape fantasy.

The link above gives some quick general information on rape fantasy being prevalent.

Now it is also possible that being ashamed of yourself is also an important component of your sexual wiring. -That you have spent so many years thinking, "I am such a monster, I am so bad, this is so vile..." while having rape fantasies, that this feeling is also part of the sexual arousal. In that case your situation is a lot more complicated.

You've said that you can't/don't want to incorporate these things with your partner. The question to me is why. It could be because your shame is too much. Or it could be because your arousal patterns are too specific and detailed to make it practical. Or it could be that your fantasies are too extreme. Or it could be because your current partner has already indicated that she doesn't want you to disclose and is averse. Or it could be that your partners are too casual so disclosure would be too socially awkward - you don't know them well enough to disclose. Dealing with the shame is all dependent on why you can't/don't want to incorporate these things with your partner. Your shame sounds so strong that maybe you haven't considered why you can't.

You sound like you have recently squicked yourself - been turned on by something that also grossed you out terribly. You might try modifying your fantasies a bit. You have probably been getting more and more extreme into the sadistic range. Try changing the plot. For example if you build up to final horrible thing done to victim at the moment when you climax you could try working towards rapist about to do final horrible thing to victim gets sudden horrible thing done to him instead at the moment when he climaxes. This way you get to climax to a horrible thing, but the villain is the one harmed so the shame may be less. It is not uncommon for someone with sadistic impulses to be able to flip them into masochistic impulses. This is called switching. If being "cruel" as opposed to "dirty" and "secret" is the chief component of your feelings of shame, then learning to do some switching could help.

Another thing you can try is, after you finish the sexual fantasy and are cleaning up, you keep telling the story but give it a happy ending for the victim. It doesn't matter if the story is snuff, you can simply turn her into a happy ghost rising to a blessed afterlife of bliss, with whatever detail makes it work, and have the story go on to tell about how you/the rapist(s) were charged, convicted and sentenced. But another way you can deal with shame is not leaving the story hanging incomplete without justice being done. Have a football team charge in and beat up the rapist(s). Whatever works to make you feel that fantasy justice has been restore and the fantasy villains have been punished. Remember, since you victims are fantasy victims you can bend reality so that they can recover from things that in real life they would not - amnesia, or nano-technological neurosurgery or other things can be used to repair the fantasy wrongs.
posted by Jane the Brown at 10:05 PM on August 16, 2017 [2 favorites]

I can't recommend Emily Nagoski's "Come As you Are" book enough - it will unpack why you're attracted to some of the more disturbing things, and where to go from there.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 8:32 AM on August 17, 2017 [2 favorites]

Find a "You are Loved" pamphlet in your local Catholic Church.

Cut the porn. It's toxic. It is the source of your problems.
posted by Lord Fancy Pants at 7:52 AM on August 20, 2017

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