Just to be abundantly clear, there is no porn stash
August 15, 2017 8:53 AM   Subscribe

I've inadvertently created the impression that I have contraband hidden in our house. Help me lean into that with suggestions for things I could hide around the place that appear illicit at first (and maybe second) glance but are actually entirely innocent.

For reasons that are mundane and irrelevant to the actual question here, my partner had to transfer some documents to someone on a USB stick. Because we all live in the cloud now it took a loooooong time looking through all the places before we found one right at the back of an old drawer of mine full of Nokia chargers and decade old receipts. Before plugging it in they wondered what was on it and joked it would be funny if it was my porn stash from back in the day to which I (obviously) replied that that was much better hidden. That quickly snowballed from a flippant joke to a case of protesting too much and now I'm pretty certain they think there's some reasonable possibility I have 'contraband' hidden somewhere around the place and while not necessarily actively looking for it will be keeping an eye out for anything potentially interesting.

So, the next time they were out, I spent another few hours looking in even more obscure places until I found another USB key which I've started trying to fill with images that look suggestive/obscene in thumbnails but are actually not. That's not something that's particularly easily googleable though and there's only so many photos of peaches I can use before that starts seeming like a fetish in itself so the first part of my question is for suggestions for images or sources of images that will fit the bill.

The second part is for any ideas for other things I could hide around the place that suggest some kind of nefarious activity. I first thought of theatrical prop passports and foreign currency but those are generally designed to appear convincing at a distance and, for good reasons, look pretty obviously phoney up close so wouldn't really work. I'd prefer the intrigue to survive an initial cursory glance if possible. Also I'm looking to suggest mischief/intrigue rather than anything that suggests serious or upsetting behaviour (like infidelity, terrorism or conservative political tendencies for example)
posted by VoltairePerkins to Human Relations (29 answers total) 25 users marked this as a favorite
 
For #1, /r/misleadingthumbnails.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:01 AM on August 15, 2017 [18 favorites]


Loose leaf tea. Bonus points for putting it in a hollowed out book about tea.
posted by mattamatic at 9:08 AM on August 15, 2017 [4 favorites]


If your secretive locations have enough room, go for combinations. An enema kit, a half-full small bottle of vegetable oil, welding goggles, and a cd of klezmer versions of all the national anthems of the world, all in a beat-up old Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox that's been... improved.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:11 AM on August 15, 2017 [20 favorites]


This FPP from a month ago has several images which "look alarmingly NSFW but are not".
posted by paper chromatographologist at 9:27 AM on August 15, 2017 [2 favorites]


You could get a 2017 day planner and pepper it with cryptic notes.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 9:48 AM on August 15, 2017 [2 favorites]


Also, there's an ask from last year about creepy Easter eggs to incorporate into a new house.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 9:58 AM on August 15, 2017 [2 favorites]


Photographs of your partner sleeping.
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:02 AM on August 15, 2017 [6 favorites]


Instagram edition: Look At This Pussy
posted by JuliaIglesias at 10:14 AM on August 15, 2017


Photographs of your partner sleeping.
Nope, nopety nope, nope. My ex-husband took pictures of me while I slept and it was majorly creepy. It's even more creepy since we divorced and I'm pretty sure he still keeps them around, all for my daughter to find one day. Happily, they are not digital.
posted by mumimor at 10:16 AM on August 15, 2017 [16 favorites]


Passport and/or other ID documents, plus letters suggesting an alternate identity.
posted by SemiSalt at 10:32 AM on August 15, 2017


one of those photos that appear at first glance to be someone's shaved lady bits but upon zoom-out turn out to be armpit folds. Sorry I can't find one right now; the one I'm thinking of is the armpit of Christina Aguilera and it's a fairly common image.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:42 AM on August 15, 2017 [1 favorite]


See if you can find a copy of the 2000-2050 edition of Gray's Sports Almanac, suitably dogeared and highlighted for 2018.
posted by jenkinsEar at 10:44 AM on August 15, 2017 [8 favorites]


Was coming in to suggest armpit photos as well.
posted by briank at 10:56 AM on August 15, 2017 [1 favorite]


"arse or elbow" gets a lot of hits. E.g. here are a bunch of elbows that look like ... well, arses.
posted by SaltySalticid at 11:03 AM on August 15, 2017


Hot dogs or legs?
posted by batter_my_heart at 11:13 AM on August 15, 2017


A guy I knew in high school got suspended for selling a bag of oregano to another guy. Pretty mild but hella easy.

You could buy a bunch of raw materials to make meth, but that depends on if your partner would get the joke, or if they'd just think you bought too much cough syrup.

On the terrorism front, there was an episode of 30 Rock where Liz's Arab-appearing neighbors hung up a bunch of maps in their apartment and plotted locations on them. Maybe something like that?
posted by kevinbelt at 12:09 PM on August 15, 2017


For the USB stick, all you really need to do is puns; a folder labeled BIG COCKS full of rooster pictures and whatnot. FUZZY PEACHES works, too. Put them all inside a folder labeled "dont look in here".
posted by davejay at 12:15 PM on August 15, 2017 [13 favorites]


Fake recent receipts and contracts for a storage unit in distant part of the country, or for several.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 12:18 PM on August 15, 2017 [2 favorites]


We have some dried oregano from our garden in a mason jar. It looks highly suspicious.
posted by slogger at 12:20 PM on August 15, 2017 [1 favorite]


Do you have lots of books? Sacrifice one, or a copy of one, hollow it out, put some USB keys in there. Download the Porn in the Woods thread. I'd label a folder on the USB stick IF I DIED, DELETE THIS. Tape things to the bottoms of drawers. Buy a wig and a fake mustache to hide in the suitcase at the back of the closet. Maybe a lab coat. Take another USB stick, attach a magnet, put it under a kitchen appliance or some other metal thing. Buy temporary hair dye of a wrong color, leave the packaging where it can be accidentally found. If you have a friend who gets mail from family in another country, and they'll play along, a couple of empty envelopes are suspicious if they're hidden in a book. Buy rolling papers, occasionally leave a ripped one in a car or trash can.

Do interesting searches about extra-terrestrials, tax havens/ travel prices to the Grand Caymans, how to avoid arrest, how to create a new identity, how to make meth, how to retire to other countries most days. Open a bitcoin account. Make the occasional phone call to another country.
posted by theora55 at 12:29 PM on August 15, 2017 [1 favorite]


I read your question, thought to myself, "Oh, I did this once," then I remembered a second, third, fourth, and realized that I do this kind of thing a lot, mostly "accidentally" leaving around things such as:

Scraps of paper where you appear to be practicing other people's signatures.
Blank or partially filled out power of attorney documents.
Cryptic spreadsheets with people's initials and arbitrary fields like "theme song" "chart? y/n/m" "status" and have them divided up into team names.

I once dated a guy who lived with his identical twin, and over a long period, I'd leave around little hints that I was planning a surgery to conjoin them (this was before Human Centipede). So I'd do things like look startled when one of them walked in, then hastily throw a napkin in the trash with something like plans for a two-person toilet or a list of redundant organs. Conjoining twins is probably not your best bet, but it should be something similarly implausible so they're not actually scared.

When I was a kid, I used to leave around carbon copies (yes, carbon copies) of really stupid letters to the editor written under my mom's name, talking about TV characters like they're real and things like that, so it'd look like I mailed the originals.

If I know someone is going to be walking in the door soon, sometimes I'll set up something really ridiculous on the TV and then act flustered and turn it off. It works best if you do it with the same thing multiple times over a time period, like every time someone walks in on you, you're frantically trying to turn off Fantasy Island or the same infomercial.

Anything can be suspicious if you act fishy enough, I guess. A bunch of plastic frogs behind a false back in a drawer, pictures of sad clowns hidden in the back of the spice cabinet, a ledger keeping track of your mark's socks, describing them and documenting holes and other wear. Or just a pile of unlabeled graphs that you hastily put away every time someone comes around.

I never really bother trying to come up with any innocent explanations, though. If anyone says anything, I just deny that I'm doing anything at all, which is pretty much true.
posted by ernielundquist at 12:52 PM on August 15, 2017 [22 favorites]


Here's a pic for your collection
posted by KateViolet at 1:56 PM on August 15, 2017


How about a piece of paper, crumpled, with some numbers on it (that look like a combination or cypher), a rusty key, and one word in a foreign language like Russian? Just toss it in a bathroom drawer and forget all about it.
posted by davejay at 3:25 PM on August 15, 2017


When I received a 1999 issue of Entertainment Weekly it was sandwiched between other pieces of mail in a way that only showed Sarah Michelle Gellar's thumb. At first I thought it was a picture of male genitalia, and only realized the truth after moving the mail around.

You can see the picture here. Cover everything except her left thumb (under the word "sucks" on her shirt) to see what I mean. I always wanted to use this as unintentional porn, but never did...
posted by tacodave at 3:33 PM on August 15, 2017


The website Furniture Porn is still around. "Hot chair-on-chair action"
posted by Rich Smorgasbord at 6:00 PM on August 15, 2017 [1 favorite]


Land O Lakes. Look at the knees.

Walnuts. Shelled.

Zoom a bit on both.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 2:53 AM on August 16, 2017


Thankyou all for some truly inspiring ideas.
I cannot express how much I love the BTTF almanac in particular, I'm totally inspired to take this as far as I can down a "time traveller stuck in the past" route
posted by VoltairePerkins at 3:22 AM on August 16, 2017


Also, followup is really required for a question like this.
posted by theora55 at 9:15 AM on August 16, 2017 [4 favorites]


Keys with mysterious labels.

MJ TOP HALF
HAMMER FROM 9/18
FREEZER 7
posted by obiwanwasabi at 10:49 PM on August 16, 2017 [1 favorite]


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