Reply: sooner or later
July 28, 2017 12:33 PM Subscribe
I'm rubbish at replying to personal emails! How can I get better?
I'm fine with work, but with friends I tend to let emails lapse. I've moved abroad so email is one of my main ways of keeping in touch with friends at home, so I generally want to think and send a thoughtful reply, but then I notice a few days (or weeks) have passed and I feel somewhat guilty or awkward.
I think this is worsened by feeling a bit depressed since moving and adjusting to life abroad, plus dealing with other major life hurdles, so I am reluctant to send weepy emails home to friends. I do aim for a more balanced perspective that provides some insight to challenges in life but doesn't put too fine a gloss on what many perceive to be a glamourous life abroad but is actually quite challenging. I suppose it is also difficult to maintain friendships solely over email and worry that my lapses will signal to friends that I'm no longer interested in keeping in touch.
So, how do you keep on top of your personal emails? Side question: any tips for maintaining and nourishing friendships from afar? I should add that I don't use Facebook or other social media and don't want to begin using those sites.
I'm fine with work, but with friends I tend to let emails lapse. I've moved abroad so email is one of my main ways of keeping in touch with friends at home, so I generally want to think and send a thoughtful reply, but then I notice a few days (or weeks) have passed and I feel somewhat guilty or awkward.
I think this is worsened by feeling a bit depressed since moving and adjusting to life abroad, plus dealing with other major life hurdles, so I am reluctant to send weepy emails home to friends. I do aim for a more balanced perspective that provides some insight to challenges in life but doesn't put too fine a gloss on what many perceive to be a glamourous life abroad but is actually quite challenging. I suppose it is also difficult to maintain friendships solely over email and worry that my lapses will signal to friends that I'm no longer interested in keeping in touch.
So, how do you keep on top of your personal emails? Side question: any tips for maintaining and nourishing friendships from afar? I should add that I don't use Facebook or other social media and don't want to begin using those sites.
I don't know if there is a name for this system, but I ONLY keep things in my inbox that require a response or a follow-up. Everything else gets archived or deleted (or I use Boomerang to return emails to me - for stuff like trips that I book way in advance but I want the email to show up a week before I leave, or whatever). Then whenever I'm in the mood to Get Some Stuff Done I make it a rule that I have to deal with the inbox bottom-up. So if there is an email languishing down there from a friend, I just open the reply box and force myself to do it before I go back to the inbox or start doing other stuff on my to do list.
I agree with doing short(er) emails, and I usually don't make it a back-and-forth where I have to reply to every single point in their long email and vice versa - instead I just say what's going on with me, maybe answer some of their questions / reply to some of their items, introduce a new topic. Or, if there really isn't anything in the email that requires a response, I write a quick couple of lines and then kind of start fresh with a longer email the next time I see something that reminds me of them.
I live in a different country from many of my friends, and in my experience some people are just not very good at keeping in touch over a distance (but are still good friends!) and you just kind of have to roll with it. I use WhatsApp and it can be great for feeling like you're having "in the moment" spontaneous communication - it's nice to send pictures back and forth or just say "hey I'm sitting up at the dentist office, what are you up to" even if there's a time difference.
posted by cpatterson at 1:06 PM on July 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
I agree with doing short(er) emails, and I usually don't make it a back-and-forth where I have to reply to every single point in their long email and vice versa - instead I just say what's going on with me, maybe answer some of their questions / reply to some of their items, introduce a new topic. Or, if there really isn't anything in the email that requires a response, I write a quick couple of lines and then kind of start fresh with a longer email the next time I see something that reminds me of them.
I live in a different country from many of my friends, and in my experience some people are just not very good at keeping in touch over a distance (but are still good friends!) and you just kind of have to roll with it. I use WhatsApp and it can be great for feeling like you're having "in the moment" spontaneous communication - it's nice to send pictures back and forth or just say "hey I'm sitting up at the dentist office, what are you up to" even if there's a time difference.
posted by cpatterson at 1:06 PM on July 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
Schedule this, for example for a half hour every day at 10 am. And limit yourself to two or three responses a day, max. Feel free to copy yourself. (If someone is likely to share your email, just preface with, as I said to X . . .. )
With regard to the backlog, I'd send short "sorry, got swamped, please just drop me a line about what's up now with you and this time I will respond" to the significant people and delete everything as soon as you've gotten that out. Then your decks will be cleared and the chore will have shrunk to manageable size.
I suspect it will help you to get some of these communication links up and working again. They are lifelines when you are in the throes of depression. And it really helps the people who care about you to hear from you, even if you are feeling at your worst.
posted by bearwife at 1:11 PM on July 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
With regard to the backlog, I'd send short "sorry, got swamped, please just drop me a line about what's up now with you and this time I will respond" to the significant people and delete everything as soon as you've gotten that out. Then your decks will be cleared and the chore will have shrunk to manageable size.
I suspect it will help you to get some of these communication links up and working again. They are lifelines when you are in the throes of depression. And it really helps the people who care about you to hear from you, even if you are feeling at your worst.
posted by bearwife at 1:11 PM on July 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Hi! I've been you since November of last year, ditching social media and all. I've improved a bit since I picked up bullet journaling and added replying to emails to my To-Do lists. I can also confirm that once you're a bit consistent with it, shorter replies that don't go into "here's what happened to me since the 4 weeks we last touched base" are much easier psychologically.
I collect interesting links here and there (thanks Metafilter!) and add them to email drafts throughout the week. They automatically create something fun or engaging to talk about, and usually provide a bit of back-and-forth that keeps me in touch without wondering what to talk about next. Email drafts are pretty handy actually, I can jot down some thoughts without feeling like I have to hit send right away. Then the draft sits for a few days, I go back to it a few times either for a rewrite or additions, and off it goes when I feel comfortable.
I also share stupid photos of my cats with friends who also have cats. Sometimes when things are tough a picture is all it takes to go "Hey I'm alive and I've reached out for the week. Talk to you later!"
I'm still struggling with it and feel guilty about my friends poking me more often than I do it, but I'm at least more successful at reaching out than before I had these methods in place.
Good luck to you!
posted by erratic meatsack at 5:02 PM on July 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
I collect interesting links here and there (thanks Metafilter!) and add them to email drafts throughout the week. They automatically create something fun or engaging to talk about, and usually provide a bit of back-and-forth that keeps me in touch without wondering what to talk about next. Email drafts are pretty handy actually, I can jot down some thoughts without feeling like I have to hit send right away. Then the draft sits for a few days, I go back to it a few times either for a rewrite or additions, and off it goes when I feel comfortable.
I also share stupid photos of my cats with friends who also have cats. Sometimes when things are tough a picture is all it takes to go "Hey I'm alive and I've reached out for the week. Talk to you later!"
I'm still struggling with it and feel guilty about my friends poking me more often than I do it, but I'm at least more successful at reaching out than before I had these methods in place.
Good luck to you!
posted by erratic meatsack at 5:02 PM on July 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
For me, quick short e-mails are the answer. Most of my friends are happy to get a sentence or two saying something long the lines of all is fine, great to news about x, I am busy with y, more when I have time to sit down for a thoughtful e-mail. I think people just want to know that you're out there and want to stay in touch.
posted by rpfields at 10:41 AM on July 29, 2017
posted by rpfields at 10:41 AM on July 29, 2017
I have one friend in particular who is like that. For a while she sent out group emails with updates (we know what she's like so we were not offended... but you could always compose one mail and send it to everyone separately... modifying slightly to respond to specific things said).
Also, don't feel guilty for taking days or even weeks! I hear from her maybe twice a year. Aim for an email per person per month, say. That's plenty.
any tips for maintaining and nourishing friendships from afar?
Send postcards or tiny care packages with silly "made me think of you" stuff, if you can find the time. And seconding Skype calls.
But honestly, Facebook is SUCH A GODSEND for this stuff. I'm moving back to my home country after 15 years away and I feel like I can pick up where we left off with many of my friends, cuz I have a pretty good grasp of what's going on with them. There's no way I'd've emailed with 80% of them, but I am so glad they haven't forgotten me and I have a social network (a real one!) to return to. It'll also make you feel much less isolated.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 1:11 PM on July 29, 2017
Also, don't feel guilty for taking days or even weeks! I hear from her maybe twice a year. Aim for an email per person per month, say. That's plenty.
any tips for maintaining and nourishing friendships from afar?
Send postcards or tiny care packages with silly "made me think of you" stuff, if you can find the time. And seconding Skype calls.
But honestly, Facebook is SUCH A GODSEND for this stuff. I'm moving back to my home country after 15 years away and I feel like I can pick up where we left off with many of my friends, cuz I have a pretty good grasp of what's going on with them. There's no way I'd've emailed with 80% of them, but I am so glad they haven't forgotten me and I have a social network (a real one!) to return to. It'll also make you feel much less isolated.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 1:11 PM on July 29, 2017
+1 to shorter emails, to being honest about your struggles, and Skype, Facetime, and even just old-fashioned phone calls (perhaps you can try the phone date suggestion).
Actually, I really think you should give Whatsapp a try if you haven't already - I live abroad and Whatsapp is one of the best, easiest, and most fun tools for keeping in touch. It's way easier and more fun to send a friend a quick spur-of-the-moment text on Whatsapp ("hey, you would love this wine I'm drinking" with a pic of your wine glass) than it is to sit down and reply to a lengthy email. Just make sure you and your friends all have your phones on silent overnight if you're in wildly different timezones. And Whatsapp works for calls, too.
posted by whitelily at 3:39 AM on August 10, 2017
Actually, I really think you should give Whatsapp a try if you haven't already - I live abroad and Whatsapp is one of the best, easiest, and most fun tools for keeping in touch. It's way easier and more fun to send a friend a quick spur-of-the-moment text on Whatsapp ("hey, you would love this wine I'm drinking" with a pic of your wine glass) than it is to sit down and reply to a lengthy email. Just make sure you and your friends all have your phones on silent overnight if you're in wildly different timezones. And Whatsapp works for calls, too.
posted by whitelily at 3:39 AM on August 10, 2017
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You can kind of take two tacks with this, which is more-or-less what I do with general correspondence in life as well as when I'm abroad:
1) Write a bit about what's going on in my life, as a bit of a journalling exercise. Trim up those thoughts into something smaller/clearer/less sad, and send in personalized e-mails (including questions/responses to the recipients). This takes time but works pretty well, especially with big updates and rumination re: life.
2) Write SHORTER messages. Big, thoughtful e-mails are fun to read but tend to provoke anxiety in me, because it requires a big, thoughtful response, which I don't always have the energy for. Instead, it's nice to send little updates, like, "Went to the market today and it seemed like a place that you would like. I bought some really delicious [local fruit], but I miss the [vegetables from home that are in season]. How have you been?" Add a few short extra thoughts and questions, and send.
I also think it's more than okay to admit sadness or homesickness.
Also, if you're a phone person, try to arrange some Skype/Facetime dates. It can be hard with time differences, but it does help to feel closer to people.
posted by Paper rabies at 12:45 PM on July 28, 2017 [3 favorites]