Please help me to understand what I am not getting.
July 27, 2017 9:29 AM Subscribe
My son's married dad has a strict schedule on when he is able to visit him and overnight at his house. I think this is BS. I am not and have never been married please show me where I err or am ignorant to how this works.
Here's what happened. My son's dad got married some years ago. Before the marriage I had no problem getting him to hold our son on the spur of the moment. The then girlfriend met this system as well. After they were married my son would continue to visit on a more regulated basis and though the 'on the spur of the moment' occasions were rare, they would pop up and I would expect him to be able to hold him, him being his dad and all.
Recently this changed abruptly; when my son would want to visit, his Dad would tell him no not today, not tomorrow and so on. Upon investigating, his Dad told me he could not just take him as he liked because it was causing problems in their marriage.
Apparently his wife was of the opinion that I had more 'clout' than her and he would not consult her when it had anything to do with having his son over. Further, he told me of an incident when my son told her that his mom said that she was not his mother. She took this without context and got super offended. All of this his dad said was causing problems in their marriage.
He said they saw a counselor (the only counselor we have) and the counselor advised him to put our son's visits on a rigid schedule.
Additionally, I had the opportunity to go away to study and asked his Dad if he would be able to hold our son for one year until I got my footing so he could have accompanied me there. He said no as his wife did not want that.
There are many other instances where he would tell me he had to ask his wife's permission before he can do certain things related to our son. Once I asked him if he would put her over his kid and he did say yes. Other little things have come up and Ive just resolved to leaving him alone. He's told me before I don't know what marriage is like and so on. So can anyone with this experience, marriage, children outside of the marriage etc. weigh in and let me know if I am wrong to think he has a duty to his flesh and blood.
Otherwise he is a pretty okay father, just not strong in the 'stand up for myself' department. To answer the question, yes I did tell our son his wife is not his mother, but that is when he was little and I was explaining to him about their marriage and that she would be his step mother.
My questions are, am I looking at this narrow-mindedly (is that a word)?
Am I justified in being concerned about this?
How do I go about addressing this situation?
Is this acceptable?
Does the wife status some how trump out side child status?
I
Here's what happened. My son's dad got married some years ago. Before the marriage I had no problem getting him to hold our son on the spur of the moment. The then girlfriend met this system as well. After they were married my son would continue to visit on a more regulated basis and though the 'on the spur of the moment' occasions were rare, they would pop up and I would expect him to be able to hold him, him being his dad and all.
Recently this changed abruptly; when my son would want to visit, his Dad would tell him no not today, not tomorrow and so on. Upon investigating, his Dad told me he could not just take him as he liked because it was causing problems in their marriage.
Apparently his wife was of the opinion that I had more 'clout' than her and he would not consult her when it had anything to do with having his son over. Further, he told me of an incident when my son told her that his mom said that she was not his mother. She took this without context and got super offended. All of this his dad said was causing problems in their marriage.
He said they saw a counselor (the only counselor we have) and the counselor advised him to put our son's visits on a rigid schedule.
Additionally, I had the opportunity to go away to study and asked his Dad if he would be able to hold our son for one year until I got my footing so he could have accompanied me there. He said no as his wife did not want that.
There are many other instances where he would tell me he had to ask his wife's permission before he can do certain things related to our son. Once I asked him if he would put her over his kid and he did say yes. Other little things have come up and Ive just resolved to leaving him alone. He's told me before I don't know what marriage is like and so on. So can anyone with this experience, marriage, children outside of the marriage etc. weigh in and let me know if I am wrong to think he has a duty to his flesh and blood.
Otherwise he is a pretty okay father, just not strong in the 'stand up for myself' department. To answer the question, yes I did tell our son his wife is not his mother, but that is when he was little and I was explaining to him about their marriage and that she would be his step mother.
My questions are, am I looking at this narrow-mindedly (is that a word)?
Am I justified in being concerned about this?
How do I go about addressing this situation?
Is this acceptable?
Does the wife status some how trump out side child status?
I
In my opinion as a general rule a child's needs should trump a second wife's/girlfriend's needs. I always understand when my boyfriend wants to prioritize time with his son or manage our time together around time with his son.
But there are people who disagree and maybe in some instances it does make sense to prioritize a partner/wife/girlfriend over a child. That's not a mindset I understand, but people have it.
It sounds like you don't have a very formalized structure for how you and your son's dad share parenting responsibilities and that's causing some overall tension. Asking someone to just take full-time custody of a child for a year without much discussion does seem like overreach. It might be good to set up a more formal arrangement either through a family lawyer or counselor or social worker. That way everyone feels their needs and boundaries are being respected and there's some processes outlined for how you would both deal with unexpected situations.
posted by brookeb at 9:42 AM on July 27, 2017 [11 favorites]
But there are people who disagree and maybe in some instances it does make sense to prioritize a partner/wife/girlfriend over a child. That's not a mindset I understand, but people have it.
It sounds like you don't have a very formalized structure for how you and your son's dad share parenting responsibilities and that's causing some overall tension. Asking someone to just take full-time custody of a child for a year without much discussion does seem like overreach. It might be good to set up a more formal arrangement either through a family lawyer or counselor or social worker. That way everyone feels their needs and boundaries are being respected and there's some processes outlined for how you would both deal with unexpected situations.
posted by brookeb at 9:42 AM on July 27, 2017 [11 favorites]
You're allowed to be concerned about anything you want. And "acceptable" really needs to get thrown out the window because it just doesn't matter if it's acceptable (to who?) or not. You need to get a handle on how things actually are (rather than how you think they should be) and work from that. Maybe it would be good to sit for a bit and figure out what is true about the situation. Here's what I'm seeing:
- The kid's dad doesn't want to be your babysitter. That's really his choice. He doesn't have to take the kid on short notice like that. (I'm in the same situation - I ask him if it's a low stakes kind of thing but if it's something really important to me, I get a babysitter and leave him out of it.) Does this suck? Is it inconvenient and more expensive for you? Yes. But it's what it is and unless you have some sort of legal agreement otherwise, he gets to decide this.
- Having a schedule is really good for the kid if the dad can stick to it. The kid will know the next time he gets to see his dad and will be able to look forward to it. (My kids seriously never know the next time they're going to see their dad and it sucks. Even if he makes plans, he breaks them so often that they don't believe it until he shows up.) You might find that having a schedule is great for you as well because then you can plan to do things when you know the kid will be with his dad.
I don't think this really has anything to do with his wife or with you standing up for yourself so don't waste anymore energy on either of those things.
I think you and him (leaving the wife out of it) need to come to an agreement on what will work for both of you. He's stated what he's willing to do and now you can think about what you're willing to do and hopefully you guys can meet somewhere in the middle. But if you won't even consider what he's proposing then it's going to be a long few years until your kid is old enough to have more of a say in what happens between him and his dad.
posted by dawkins_7 at 9:43 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
- The kid's dad doesn't want to be your babysitter. That's really his choice. He doesn't have to take the kid on short notice like that. (I'm in the same situation - I ask him if it's a low stakes kind of thing but if it's something really important to me, I get a babysitter and leave him out of it.) Does this suck? Is it inconvenient and more expensive for you? Yes. But it's what it is and unless you have some sort of legal agreement otherwise, he gets to decide this.
- Having a schedule is really good for the kid if the dad can stick to it. The kid will know the next time he gets to see his dad and will be able to look forward to it. (My kids seriously never know the next time they're going to see their dad and it sucks. Even if he makes plans, he breaks them so often that they don't believe it until he shows up.) You might find that having a schedule is great for you as well because then you can plan to do things when you know the kid will be with his dad.
I don't think this really has anything to do with his wife or with you standing up for yourself so don't waste anymore energy on either of those things.
I think you and him (leaving the wife out of it) need to come to an agreement on what will work for both of you. He's stated what he's willing to do and now you can think about what you're willing to do and hopefully you guys can meet somewhere in the middle. But if you won't even consider what he's proposing then it's going to be a long few years until your kid is old enough to have more of a say in what happens between him and his dad.
posted by dawkins_7 at 9:43 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
I think you're mostly wrong on this one. You shouldn't be dropping off your child with his dad when it's convenient for you without taking into consideration anyone else's schedule ahead of time. That's just asking for trouble. You definitely shouldn't be asking the father to "hold" your child for a year while you study. Unless your son is extremely young (like two or less) that's disruptive and unstable for him.
It really sounds like you mostly miss having the convenient childcare, rather than developing a stable father-son relationship. You don't mention how your son feels about any of this.
You have gotten advice from a professional to put the child's visits on a schedule, and I honestly think that is the right advice here- for the stability of the son's life most crucially, but also for the father-son relationship, health of their marriage, and your relationship with the father. Schedules, predictability, and stability are honestly very soothing and stress-relieving for all humans, but especially for children in my experience.
posted by stockpuppet at 9:43 AM on July 27, 2017 [63 favorites]
It really sounds like you mostly miss having the convenient childcare, rather than developing a stable father-son relationship. You don't mention how your son feels about any of this.
You have gotten advice from a professional to put the child's visits on a schedule, and I honestly think that is the right advice here- for the stability of the son's life most crucially, but also for the father-son relationship, health of their marriage, and your relationship with the father. Schedules, predictability, and stability are honestly very soothing and stress-relieving for all humans, but especially for children in my experience.
posted by stockpuppet at 9:43 AM on July 27, 2017 [63 favorites]
This is a thing that happens, it's really shitty, and there's nothing you can do about it.
You have been presented with a situation you will have to work around, and it will be less frustrating if you just deal with it rather than trying to quantify how unfair it is. Your son's father does not consider his child his top priority. That sucks. There's nothing you can do about it.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:43 AM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
You have been presented with a situation you will have to work around, and it will be less frustrating if you just deal with it rather than trying to quantify how unfair it is. Your son's father does not consider his child his top priority. That sucks. There's nothing you can do about it.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:43 AM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
If you want to look at it from the perspective of 'trumping', lots of people would say that you have a duty to put your kids, who didn't ask to be born, ahead of your spouse who voluntarily chose to be married to you. Lots of other people would say that you have committed to put your spouse above all else when you married them. I have strong feelings on this issue, but I wouldn't say my personal view is the only possible right answer to the question.
But, I also don't think that question matters. It doesn't matter if the baby daddy *should* put his son first over his marriage. It only matters that it's clear that he does not and will not.
You can hate the wife for forcing that situation, you can hate the baby daddy for being spineless and not standing up to her, but you can't actually change it. I mean, you're not going to go to court and attempt to get an order mandating that he take custody of the child for a year, right?
posted by jacquilynne at 9:44 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
But, I also don't think that question matters. It doesn't matter if the baby daddy *should* put his son first over his marriage. It only matters that it's clear that he does not and will not.
You can hate the wife for forcing that situation, you can hate the baby daddy for being spineless and not standing up to her, but you can't actually change it. I mean, you're not going to go to court and attempt to get an order mandating that he take custody of the child for a year, right?
posted by jacquilynne at 9:44 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'm going to repeat back what you said in my own language, to make sure I understand properly:
You and your ex-husband have had a son together, and your son is....I'm not sure how old, but young enough to still occasionally need a parent or guardian around. Your ex-husband has remarried, and used to visit more frequently but has recently told you his visits need to be more structured and scheduled. Is that correct?
If so: there is no one set standard for the exact amount of time a father "should" spend with his son, or the exact amount of time a man "should" spend with his wife; there also is no scale which dicates a second wife is "more" or "less" important than a son from a first marriage. These are things that your ex-husband needed to decide for himself, and it seems like his mind has changed about those issues.
I think you are justified in being a little annoyed by this, but I'm also afraid that there is really not much you can do; your ex-husband is the only one who gets to decide how he spends his time with his son. His current wife may be influencing him, but that is not your problem to solve.
Literally the only way you can and should address this is if you have tried to work with this new "schedule," and your ex-husband starts using it as an excuse to duck-out of pre-arranged child care appointments, you can complain about that; but otherwise, if your husband has decided that he doesn't prioritize his son as much, then that's sad, but it's also his responsibility.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:45 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
You and your ex-husband have had a son together, and your son is....I'm not sure how old, but young enough to still occasionally need a parent or guardian around. Your ex-husband has remarried, and used to visit more frequently but has recently told you his visits need to be more structured and scheduled. Is that correct?
If so: there is no one set standard for the exact amount of time a father "should" spend with his son, or the exact amount of time a man "should" spend with his wife; there also is no scale which dicates a second wife is "more" or "less" important than a son from a first marriage. These are things that your ex-husband needed to decide for himself, and it seems like his mind has changed about those issues.
I think you are justified in being a little annoyed by this, but I'm also afraid that there is really not much you can do; your ex-husband is the only one who gets to decide how he spends his time with his son. His current wife may be influencing him, but that is not your problem to solve.
Literally the only way you can and should address this is if you have tried to work with this new "schedule," and your ex-husband starts using it as an excuse to duck-out of pre-arranged child care appointments, you can complain about that; but otherwise, if your husband has decided that he doesn't prioritize his son as much, then that's sad, but it's also his responsibility.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:45 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
Once I asked him if he would put her over his kid and he did say yes.
But the examples you're giving seem more to be cases of his putting his wife's preferences over your convenience. He's not hurting the kid, he's inconveniencing you.
posted by jon1270 at 9:45 AM on July 27, 2017 [30 favorites]
But the examples you're giving seem more to be cases of his putting his wife's preferences over your convenience. He's not hurting the kid, he's inconveniencing you.
posted by jon1270 at 9:45 AM on July 27, 2017 [30 favorites]
...or rather, declining to provide a convenient function for you.
posted by jon1270 at 9:46 AM on July 27, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by jon1270 at 9:46 AM on July 27, 2017 [6 favorites]
There's nothing really wrong with asking for a set schedule, and once a schedule is set, asking that variations be rare and for good reasons. This seems like it would be good for everyone, not just the dad.
If you've got primary custody, asking dad to take your son for a year, and then taking him back is a big request, and one I think is reasonable not to want to accept. That again could cause problems.
It's hard to say based on what we know of the situation, dad may just be trying to wriggle out of his parental responsibility and hoping to be just an every-other-weekend presence in his life, or he may be wanting to establish boundaries with both you and your son, which isn't necessarily bad.
posted by skewed at 9:46 AM on July 27, 2017 [12 favorites]
If you've got primary custody, asking dad to take your son for a year, and then taking him back is a big request, and one I think is reasonable not to want to accept. That again could cause problems.
It's hard to say based on what we know of the situation, dad may just be trying to wriggle out of his parental responsibility and hoping to be just an every-other-weekend presence in his life, or he may be wanting to establish boundaries with both you and your son, which isn't necessarily bad.
posted by skewed at 9:46 AM on July 27, 2017 [12 favorites]
Sometimes yes the new wife trumps the kid. This is the compromise he came up with in his marriage, this is the priorities he chose to give to his son. Is it acceptable? No of course not. Is it really common place. Yes. Hell my Dad had a kid from his first marriage he refused to see until she was 30 & confronted him, as he had "moved on". My Dad was a complete & total asshole. I knew it, my mother knew it & tried for years to get him to contact his first daughter.
There is not a hell of a lot you can do. Make sure your son makes use of the time he can see his Dad, maybe as he gets older & raises the matter himself with his father things can change. But have clear set visiting times isn't a bad thing or a good thing, it is just a thing. It just means you can't count on him in emergencies etc so will need to have other plans in place, but it does mean your son is guaranteed time with his father which is a good thing, routine is important for kids. He knows this day at these times he's with Dad, that is a very secure feeling for kids.
I'm not sure if it's intentional but it sounds more like you are mad because you can't take up the study opportunity than anything else.
posted by wwax at 9:52 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
There is not a hell of a lot you can do. Make sure your son makes use of the time he can see his Dad, maybe as he gets older & raises the matter himself with his father things can change. But have clear set visiting times isn't a bad thing or a good thing, it is just a thing. It just means you can't count on him in emergencies etc so will need to have other plans in place, but it does mean your son is guaranteed time with his father which is a good thing, routine is important for kids. He knows this day at these times he's with Dad, that is a very secure feeling for kids.
I'm not sure if it's intentional but it sounds more like you are mad because you can't take up the study opportunity than anything else.
posted by wwax at 9:52 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
Honestly the fact the you asked your sons father to take over your parenting duties for an entire year and you use this of an example of his lack of flexibility leads me to believe you may not have realistic expectations.
posted by bq at 10:09 AM on July 27, 2017 [50 favorites]
posted by bq at 10:09 AM on July 27, 2017 [50 favorites]
This is tricky and different for everyone. I see where his wife is coming from on some of these. I don't know if all these examples show him putting his wife over his son-- some of them (like him not covering for you going away for a year) are him putting his wife over his ex, which is reasonable. I think current wife status trumps ex status, except in cases where the child is the one who suffers. So much grey area.
One thing that's clear is he's changed the looser arrangement to a more rigid one. I don't think that will change. Can you adjust?
posted by kapers at 10:13 AM on July 27, 2017
One thing that's clear is he's changed the looser arrangement to a more rigid one. I don't think that will change. Can you adjust?
posted by kapers at 10:13 AM on July 27, 2017
A strict schedule is not only the easiest way to define expectations and prevent fighting over this, its also really important for maintaining stability for your kid. Not knowing where you'll be the next day can cause serious anxiety (even for adults! That sounds so stressful for the poor kid!) and can also interfere with things like his homework, social life, extracurriculars, etc.
In emergencies, yes, each parent should cover for the other even if they aren't scheduled - but I'm talking a real emergency, like someone being hospitalized. Not stuff like working late or needing study time - that's what babysitters are for. The parent with custody at that time needs to figure out childcare, which can include asking the other parent - but not demanding.
If you can't work together to figure out a regular schedule for custody, that's where you get a lawyer, mediator, or similar professional involved. Even if you're friendly, having a professional involved can really help to make sure your agreement is fair for everyone.
(source : child of angrily divorced parents)
posted by randomnity at 10:20 AM on July 27, 2017 [10 favorites]
In emergencies, yes, each parent should cover for the other even if they aren't scheduled - but I'm talking a real emergency, like someone being hospitalized. Not stuff like working late or needing study time - that's what babysitters are for. The parent with custody at that time needs to figure out childcare, which can include asking the other parent - but not demanding.
If you can't work together to figure out a regular schedule for custody, that's where you get a lawyer, mediator, or similar professional involved. Even if you're friendly, having a professional involved can really help to make sure your agreement is fair for everyone.
(source : child of angrily divorced parents)
posted by randomnity at 10:20 AM on July 27, 2017 [10 favorites]
The needs of the child should trump everything. So if your child is weeping at night because he hasn't seen his father in 3 weeks because the wife wants to have tea parties instead then yes, that's a question of his needs not being met at the expense of the wife.
But it really does sound like your question is more like "since we had a kid together, shouldn't I be able to drop said child off at any point, any time, as if we were living together?" and there the answer is...no.
And to be blunt since you said you don't know how the married thing works either - in most marriages that's not okay. My husband and I have set days that we do daycare drop-off and pickup. And yes of course we can call on each other to change those schedules in emergencies, work and otherwise. But no, we can't assume the other person is just always okay to change their plans. That would be even more true for a year away, creating a solo parenting situation would be a huge deal and either of us would, I think, have a pretty good right to say "you know what, that just might not work for me." And we love each other and are a team beyond just our parenting.
Does that mean that each of us doesn't have 100% responsibility for our kids? Of course we do. If my husband were being a jerk and not picking our child up, or got on a plane for Indonesia, I would of course step up for our kids. But that's not what you're talking about here.
So yeah, I think you have unreasonable expectations here and I agree that a set schedule is actually the usual way to handle this. There are lots of parents living separately who work things out differently but I would say what your son's father is asking is entirely within cultural norms here.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:29 AM on July 27, 2017 [22 favorites]
But it really does sound like your question is more like "since we had a kid together, shouldn't I be able to drop said child off at any point, any time, as if we were living together?" and there the answer is...no.
And to be blunt since you said you don't know how the married thing works either - in most marriages that's not okay. My husband and I have set days that we do daycare drop-off and pickup. And yes of course we can call on each other to change those schedules in emergencies, work and otherwise. But no, we can't assume the other person is just always okay to change their plans. That would be even more true for a year away, creating a solo parenting situation would be a huge deal and either of us would, I think, have a pretty good right to say "you know what, that just might not work for me." And we love each other and are a team beyond just our parenting.
Does that mean that each of us doesn't have 100% responsibility for our kids? Of course we do. If my husband were being a jerk and not picking our child up, or got on a plane for Indonesia, I would of course step up for our kids. But that's not what you're talking about here.
So yeah, I think you have unreasonable expectations here and I agree that a set schedule is actually the usual way to handle this. There are lots of parents living separately who work things out differently but I would say what your son's father is asking is entirely within cultural norms here.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:29 AM on July 27, 2017 [22 favorites]
It's reasonable for the wife to want to be able to plan her life without unexpected child care suddenly coming up. It'd be one thing if, say, you suddenly had to go to the hospital, but asking for last-minute changes to your regular schedule because you, say, got an invitation out to dinner is not cool.
His refusal to take primary custody of his kid is problematic in another way. I mean, why does he get to make that choice when you don't? Obviously it would be a huge change and require a lot of thoughtful planning, but if you really feel you need that time and that it would be a good experience for your child, I may push for that. If he's not willing to step up, then he should be paying you a LOT of child support.
posted by metasarah at 10:34 AM on July 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
His refusal to take primary custody of his kid is problematic in another way. I mean, why does he get to make that choice when you don't? Obviously it would be a huge change and require a lot of thoughtful planning, but if you really feel you need that time and that it would be a good experience for your child, I may push for that. If he's not willing to step up, then he should be paying you a LOT of child support.
posted by metasarah at 10:34 AM on July 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
I think it is totally reasonable for the dad to insist on a fixed schedule and forego last-minute babysitting duties. I also don't think it is reasonable to be surprised that he does not want to take on sole custody for a year in a non-emergency situation.
posted by delight at 10:35 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by delight at 10:35 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
Although per metasarah, I am curious about why you have primary custody and whether that can be renegotiated in a way that works for both of you and allows you to maybe have more time for your studies, if not an entire unbroken year.
posted by delight at 10:38 AM on July 27, 2017
posted by delight at 10:38 AM on July 27, 2017
Something that might help: instead of expecting your child's father to be able to provide care when the set schedule has the child in your care is to ask about giving each other the first right of refusal when either of you need to make child care arrangments when the child is in your care. That gives the other parent the opportunity for more time with their child without the expectation or requirement of doing so. "Hey, Child'sOtherParent, I have AThing on XDay, from TimeA to TimeB, when Child is scheduled to be with me. I have alternate care arranged but thought I'd check if you'd like to spend time with Child instead? If not, no worries!"
You should have no expectation of him/them saying yes, but perhaps over time this more respectful method of offering your child's father and stepmother more time with him may grow on them and you may get more "Yes, we'd love to see Child that day!" answers.
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 10:59 AM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
You should have no expectation of him/them saying yes, but perhaps over time this more respectful method of offering your child's father and stepmother more time with him may grow on them and you may get more "Yes, we'd love to see Child that day!" answers.
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 10:59 AM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
Just to echo what was said above... I mean, my husband and I *ask* each other, if one of us wants to go out alone, to make sure the other one is cool with staying home with the kids. The answer's almost always yes; but occasionally not. And we live in the same household.
You can't expect to be able to just drop the kid with the other parent because you feel like it, except in a real emergency.
Look -- I sympathize with you and especially with the kid. This stuff is hard. It's hard on everyone but by far it's hardest on the kid. And that's who you've got to make the first priority here. You'd do better to cultivate your husband's new wife as best you can, and work with him and her to set up a schedule that gives your kid plenty of time with his dad, rather than blame her for things not being able to go on ad hoc. She may be a selfish bitch (though there's nothing in your question to indicate it.) Or she may be a decent person who just needs the predictability of scheduling in order to make the household work for your kid as well as for herself and your ex. Most people need this. Surprises and unpredictability are not good for a household's function.
And by all means, if necessary go to court to get a reasonable custody schedule. But if she doesn't want him around, you won't be doing him favors to be pushing him over there.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:08 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
You can't expect to be able to just drop the kid with the other parent because you feel like it, except in a real emergency.
Look -- I sympathize with you and especially with the kid. This stuff is hard. It's hard on everyone but by far it's hardest on the kid. And that's who you've got to make the first priority here. You'd do better to cultivate your husband's new wife as best you can, and work with him and her to set up a schedule that gives your kid plenty of time with his dad, rather than blame her for things not being able to go on ad hoc. She may be a selfish bitch (though there's nothing in your question to indicate it.) Or she may be a decent person who just needs the predictability of scheduling in order to make the household work for your kid as well as for herself and your ex. Most people need this. Surprises and unpredictability are not good for a household's function.
And by all means, if necessary go to court to get a reasonable custody schedule. But if she doesn't want him around, you won't be doing him favors to be pushing him over there.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:08 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think people are being a bit harsh on you here. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to take in his son for a year, when presumably you've been the primary caregiver for all the other years of your son's life. It's his kid, too. I am guessing that much of your anger at the situation isn't about lacking a "babysitter" (it's called parenting when it's your own kid), it's being hurt on your son's behalf that he's not his father's top priority. That being said, I do agree that scheduling should help alleviate some of the problem here and would probably be nice for the kid as well. I also hope that you are able to shield your son from these issues- it would be awful for him to find out and feel unwanted.
posted by emd3737 at 11:15 AM on July 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 11:15 AM on July 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
Could it be that when he takes your son - it is actually the wife who is on duty? That would tick me off too, particularly if I wasn't consulted in advance. It sounds like they have asked for a rigid schedule so you might as well give them one - if you need to include the courts, then do so.
posted by Toddles at 11:37 AM on July 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 11:37 AM on July 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to take in his son for a year, when presumably you've been the primary caregiver for all the other years of your son's life.
Yeah...I didn't mean to imply it was unreasonable to ask and discuss. In an ideal world both parents are keen to step up for sure.
But in most divorced couples I know if someone has primary custody, they can't just decide they don't want it for a year. Part of that is because here, anyway, the courts are required to award custody in the interests of the child, so if it's not already joint custody there's a reason. So a year's switch would involve either asking, or going to court to change that -- and I honestly don't know how easy it would be to change back afterwards, either legally or for the child.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:54 AM on July 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
Yeah...I didn't mean to imply it was unreasonable to ask and discuss. In an ideal world both parents are keen to step up for sure.
But in most divorced couples I know if someone has primary custody, they can't just decide they don't want it for a year. Part of that is because here, anyway, the courts are required to award custody in the interests of the child, so if it's not already joint custody there's a reason. So a year's switch would involve either asking, or going to court to change that -- and I honestly don't know how easy it would be to change back afterwards, either legally or for the child.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:54 AM on July 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
Speaking as an adult whose never-married parent didn't really get how either co-parenting or marriage works (sorry, parent, but srsly):
Your convenience isn't the same as your son's needs. There's stuff about how your ex is handling the custody situation that's less than ideal, but it's perfectly reasonable for him to want a strict visitation schedule to help him balance his accountability to his son and his wife. Not only that, but just because your ex isn't willing or able to parent on-demand in a non-emergency situation at your behest doesn't necessarily mean that he's not there for his son.
posted by blerghamot at 12:00 PM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
Your convenience isn't the same as your son's needs. There's stuff about how your ex is handling the custody situation that's less than ideal, but it's perfectly reasonable for him to want a strict visitation schedule to help him balance his accountability to his son and his wife. Not only that, but just because your ex isn't willing or able to parent on-demand in a non-emergency situation at your behest doesn't necessarily mean that he's not there for his son.
posted by blerghamot at 12:00 PM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Interesting stuff here. Thanks for your answers everyone. Mine is the unpopular view of the father being just as much responsible for the child as the mother. To answer a few questions, No I do not just throw our son on him on a whim, no we weren't married, we didn't go to court nor did we have a custody battle. Apparently when things go awry in relationships as I am seeing here one parent in this case the mom automatically assumes full parental rights of the child while the father pencils in time with said child only at his convenience(that didn't ask to be born as a result of the actions of two individuals). I'll need a whole other Ask to understand this.
The thing is I ask, not demand, nor insist and then he makes the decision without involving her, which is what caused the initial fall out.
posted by Whatifyoufly at 2:31 PM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
The thing is I ask, not demand, nor insist and then he makes the decision without involving her, which is what caused the initial fall out.
posted by Whatifyoufly at 2:31 PM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
Apparently when things go awry in relationships as I am seeing here one parent in this case the mom automatically assumes full parental rights of the child while the father pencils in time with said child only at his convenience(that didn't ask to be born as a result of the actions of two individuals).
This is exactly why you need a custody agreement and visitation schedule.
Sounds like your co-parent is willing to sort one out with you, so that should solve your problem.
posted by randomnity at 2:38 PM on July 27, 2017 [8 favorites]
This is exactly why you need a custody agreement and visitation schedule.
Sounds like your co-parent is willing to sort one out with you, so that should solve your problem.
posted by randomnity at 2:38 PM on July 27, 2017 [8 favorites]
Apparently when things go awry in relationships as I am seeing here one parent in this case the mom automatically assumes full parental rights of the child while the father pencils in time with said child only at his convenience(that didn't ask to be born as a result of the actions of two individuals). I'll need a whole other Ask to understand this.
I don't want to pile on you here because I know that the dynamics of parenting post-breakup with someone you weren't married to (or possibly living with full-time) are very different from how custody stuff is often handled during a divorce - on some level we're talking about two very different cultures. It's not a generalization I enjoy making, but there you go.
To some extent you're right about how custody arrangements sometimes default when parents weren't previously married or in a common-law relationship. However, your ex is giving everyone involved an opportunity to do better than that with a formal custody arrangement. If it's that you don't want full custody of your son, that's another issue altogether, but whatever you guys choose it will have structure and predictability, which is good for everyone involved, including you and your son.
posted by blerghamot at 3:58 PM on July 27, 2017
I don't want to pile on you here because I know that the dynamics of parenting post-breakup with someone you weren't married to (or possibly living with full-time) are very different from how custody stuff is often handled during a divorce - on some level we're talking about two very different cultures. It's not a generalization I enjoy making, but there you go.
To some extent you're right about how custody arrangements sometimes default when parents weren't previously married or in a common-law relationship. However, your ex is giving everyone involved an opportunity to do better than that with a formal custody arrangement. If it's that you don't want full custody of your son, that's another issue altogether, but whatever you guys choose it will have structure and predictability, which is good for everyone involved, including you and your son.
posted by blerghamot at 3:58 PM on July 27, 2017
Best answer: You're super focused on her. She did this wrong, he did that wrong, it's unfair to you.
I get your feelings of anger and frustration and the sense that it's not fair. I'm only so sympathetic to that though, because, well, life isn't fair. Sometimes we just have to accept that and take the high road anyway. You only control yourself.
You haven't brought up what's best for your son in all this. Even if a perfectly 50/50 custody arrangement was the best for a child (many would argue that it is NOT best for a child, because then there is truly no sense of "primary home" in the child's life) you would still need a schedule and not to have the child unpredictably careen from home to home at the whim of either parent. Not to put too fine a point on it, but that is super damaging to a child. Honestly, in the research on split families/multiple homes, this comes up often as something that has a negative effect on children and it's very easy to see why.
Forget about her and how she's terrible and how he's not being fair to you and really think without bias about what is best and most stable for your son.
If you think what's best and most stable for your son is exact 50/50 custody, fine. (Although it seems you think that's "fair" not that it's "best for the kid" which again, very different things.) Attempt to work out a 50/50 schedule with your husband. The question of total time spent with your son by his father is a separate question than what schedule he sees his father on, but surely you can see that it will be much easier to answer the "total time" question once you have established a schedule of parenting. Because it will be much easier to keep track of the total time that way.
posted by stockpuppet at 4:03 PM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
I get your feelings of anger and frustration and the sense that it's not fair. I'm only so sympathetic to that though, because, well, life isn't fair. Sometimes we just have to accept that and take the high road anyway. You only control yourself.
You haven't brought up what's best for your son in all this. Even if a perfectly 50/50 custody arrangement was the best for a child (many would argue that it is NOT best for a child, because then there is truly no sense of "primary home" in the child's life) you would still need a schedule and not to have the child unpredictably careen from home to home at the whim of either parent. Not to put too fine a point on it, but that is super damaging to a child. Honestly, in the research on split families/multiple homes, this comes up often as something that has a negative effect on children and it's very easy to see why.
Forget about her and how she's terrible and how he's not being fair to you and really think without bias about what is best and most stable for your son.
If you think what's best and most stable for your son is exact 50/50 custody, fine. (Although it seems you think that's "fair" not that it's "best for the kid" which again, very different things.) Attempt to work out a 50/50 schedule with your husband. The question of total time spent with your son by his father is a separate question than what schedule he sees his father on, but surely you can see that it will be much easier to answer the "total time" question once you have established a schedule of parenting. Because it will be much easier to keep track of the total time that way.
posted by stockpuppet at 4:03 PM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
You do not have to be married to have custody arrangements with a child's parent. You and your ex seem to have differing ideas of how this arrangement is supposed to work, so you need to make a formal agreement because the informal one does not work for you. Your question was, loosely "Am I being reasonable?" People said "Well this is how it usually works..." and your response indicates a lack of belief that people are being honest with you here.
I am in a long term relationship with a man with a son; the son's other parent was never married to my partner. It took years for him to decide to "make it official" legally and until then his ex was basically random in when she would take his son and when she expected him to. It made our plans very difficult. My partner did what was best for the kid as often as he could, but it did mean we could often not make our own solid plans because of his ex's refusal to make and keep plans in advance. And this had nothing to do with the relative status of me or her, but just the relative ways everyone not only planned but also protected their schedules and left things up to whims.
It sounds like the relationship your ex is in now is with a person who wants to be able to plan more. That may be different from how things were. This doesn't have to do with marriage as much as ... people change. Your ex may not prioritize the kid as much or maybe your ex just wants to have more of a plan. You can decide how you feel about it. There is nothing inherently wrong with you wanting to take a year off, but it's something that now needs to be negotiated, not taken as a foregone conclusion. Some people "co parent" and some people split parenting responsibilities and it sounds like your relationship is the latter and it may be time to make things official.
posted by jessamyn at 4:10 PM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
I am in a long term relationship with a man with a son; the son's other parent was never married to my partner. It took years for him to decide to "make it official" legally and until then his ex was basically random in when she would take his son and when she expected him to. It made our plans very difficult. My partner did what was best for the kid as often as he could, but it did mean we could often not make our own solid plans because of his ex's refusal to make and keep plans in advance. And this had nothing to do with the relative status of me or her, but just the relative ways everyone not only planned but also protected their schedules and left things up to whims.
It sounds like the relationship your ex is in now is with a person who wants to be able to plan more. That may be different from how things were. This doesn't have to do with marriage as much as ... people change. Your ex may not prioritize the kid as much or maybe your ex just wants to have more of a plan. You can decide how you feel about it. There is nothing inherently wrong with you wanting to take a year off, but it's something that now needs to be negotiated, not taken as a foregone conclusion. Some people "co parent" and some people split parenting responsibilities and it sounds like your relationship is the latter and it may be time to make things official.
posted by jessamyn at 4:10 PM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
automatically assumes full parental rights of the child while the father pencils in time with said child only at his convenience
The strict schedule* would actually balance this out. You are responsible of X days and he is responsible on Y. If something comes up on a Y day for him he has to schedule a babysitter (or give you right of first refusal if that is your preference). You now know you have Y days where you do are not primarily responsible.
*By strict schedule I mean dad is responsible and will have kiddo, not merely that he will make himself available if you ask.
posted by ghost phoneme at 4:10 PM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
The strict schedule* would actually balance this out. You are responsible of X days and he is responsible on Y. If something comes up on a Y day for him he has to schedule a babysitter (or give you right of first refusal if that is your preference). You now know you have Y days where you do are not primarily responsible.
*By strict schedule I mean dad is responsible and will have kiddo, not merely that he will make himself available if you ask.
posted by ghost phoneme at 4:10 PM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds from your original ask like the problem is that he won't take his son whenever you want, and that point's been covered. But if your concern is really that he's not showing any concern or being involved with the boy, let me ask: how often is your son at his house on this strict schedule? Is it, like one afternoon a month, or one overnight a week, or somewhere in between?
As everyone says--the firmness of the schedule is not necessarily a failing (a lot of parents have what is called "right of first refusal," in which, if you need care for your son, you call the other parent first and they can either take the time or, if they can't, tell you to book a sitter). So yeah, it's hurtful to his son that he doesn't want extra time with him--definitely.
But whether he's actually snubbing his son, not participating in his life, etc. is not really covered in your info. A strict schedule in which they get time together and are close is good for your son; a strict schedule that just basically means they see each other every month for three hours and you have a point that he's an absent dad.
Which brings me to the next point that I'm going to reiterate, which is that you cannot make him change. You might be able to force him to take on more time or financial responsibility if you take him to court, but barring that, it doesn't matter how wrong or unfair to you or lousy as a parent he's being--you have no control over his behavior. All you can do is make sure YOU have the resources to take care of your son properly.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:08 PM on July 27, 2017
As everyone says--the firmness of the schedule is not necessarily a failing (a lot of parents have what is called "right of first refusal," in which, if you need care for your son, you call the other parent first and they can either take the time or, if they can't, tell you to book a sitter). So yeah, it's hurtful to his son that he doesn't want extra time with him--definitely.
But whether he's actually snubbing his son, not participating in his life, etc. is not really covered in your info. A strict schedule in which they get time together and are close is good for your son; a strict schedule that just basically means they see each other every month for three hours and you have a point that he's an absent dad.
Which brings me to the next point that I'm going to reiterate, which is that you cannot make him change. You might be able to force him to take on more time or financial responsibility if you take him to court, but barring that, it doesn't matter how wrong or unfair to you or lousy as a parent he's being--you have no control over his behavior. All you can do is make sure YOU have the resources to take care of your son properly.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:08 PM on July 27, 2017
Even if you two were never married, you still need a parenting plan and a residential arrangement. I'm not sure where you live but this is standard in the US.
Why not formalize things?
posted by k8t at 6:07 PM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
Why not formalize things?
posted by k8t at 6:07 PM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
In many parenting plans there is a right of first refusal. If one parent needs a sitter for more than X hours, they are obligated to ask the other parent if they would like to have the child for that time. They can say no.
When the child is under the care of one or the other parent, that parent is responsible for finding sitters.
posted by k8t at 6:09 PM on July 27, 2017
When the child is under the care of one or the other parent, that parent is responsible for finding sitters.
posted by k8t at 6:09 PM on July 27, 2017
I have a friend who is married to a man who has children from a previous relationship. She has a great relationship with his kids, but she definitely gets super frustrated when mom needs to switch up the custody arrangement at the last minute. My friend finally put her foot down and said that they have to stick to a custody schedule, because the half-hazard arrangement was driving her nuts, and honestly it was really hard on her step-son (the daughter is older and does her own thing).
It isn't at all unreasonable that his wife likes to be able to make plans in advance. If her step-son is going to be with them, she wants to have healthy meals planned and fun activities. And during times that he's not with them, she wants to make other plans and be able to keep those plans. That's all pretty reasonable. Even if their plans are to sit quietly on the couch reading Ask MeFi and then go to bed early.
You mention that your son's dad is not great at standing up for himself -- consider the possibility that the half-hazard custody arrangement never really worked for him but since he's not great at sticking up for his needs, he never wanted to say it was inconvenient and that he'd prefer to have an established, consistent custody schedule.
I don't mean to add yet another response that is essentially the same as the last ten (make a custody schedule and stick to it!) but I wanted to add that perspective from the spouse's side. It sounds like he might not have been great about communicating his wishes/needs but they're still totally reasonable valid needs.
My husband and I are married to each other (duh) and committed to each other and we definitely make a pretty schedule when we have kids (we foster, so we don't always have kids). We do that for us and for them. In our experience, kids thrive when we're relaxed, and when we can tell them what the next few weeks are going to look like. That process of looking at a calendar and talking about what we're doing, and when, is pretty important and soothing to them (we've fostered a range of kids between 6 and 15 and this has consistently been true.) So there are a lot of other benefits to getting a schedule down and making sure everyone understands it. Looking over some of your previous Asks, it also sounds like that kind of structure might help your son and give you some consistently scheduled down-time, too.
posted by amandabee at 6:55 PM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
It isn't at all unreasonable that his wife likes to be able to make plans in advance. If her step-son is going to be with them, she wants to have healthy meals planned and fun activities. And during times that he's not with them, she wants to make other plans and be able to keep those plans. That's all pretty reasonable. Even if their plans are to sit quietly on the couch reading Ask MeFi and then go to bed early.
You mention that your son's dad is not great at standing up for himself -- consider the possibility that the half-hazard custody arrangement never really worked for him but since he's not great at sticking up for his needs, he never wanted to say it was inconvenient and that he'd prefer to have an established, consistent custody schedule.
I don't mean to add yet another response that is essentially the same as the last ten (make a custody schedule and stick to it!) but I wanted to add that perspective from the spouse's side. It sounds like he might not have been great about communicating his wishes/needs but they're still totally reasonable valid needs.
My husband and I are married to each other (duh) and committed to each other and we definitely make a pretty schedule when we have kids (we foster, so we don't always have kids). We do that for us and for them. In our experience, kids thrive when we're relaxed, and when we can tell them what the next few weeks are going to look like. That process of looking at a calendar and talking about what we're doing, and when, is pretty important and soothing to them (we've fostered a range of kids between 6 and 15 and this has consistently been true.) So there are a lot of other benefits to getting a schedule down and making sure everyone understands it. Looking over some of your previous Asks, it also sounds like that kind of structure might help your son and give you some consistently scheduled down-time, too.
posted by amandabee at 6:55 PM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
At the risk of overstepping--you seem to be projecting a LOT here and you seem resentful that you have as much parenting responsibility that you do.
You said: "Apparently when things go awry in relationships as I am seeing here one parent in this case the mom automatically assumes full parental rights of the child while the father pencils in time with said child only at his convenience." Yeah, so, when you got pregnant, you BOTH assumed full parental rights to the child. You both became fully responsible. Since you guys are separated, that means that you work out a schedule and you stick to it. He doesn't sound like he's being a deadbeat dad here. He's doing what he needs to do; he's getting on a schedule that works for him and his son and he's asking you to respect that. If you want him to spend more time with his son, you need to communicate to him and work out an arrangement that works for both of you.
But, yes, gently, I don't think he's being unreasonable here. He shouldn't have to reschedule his life to take his son when you need it. I'm sure you wouldn't want him dropping off your son early if he has him, forcing you to cancel your plans. Your son is not something that can "hold" for a year; that makes him sound like an inatimate object.
You need to talk to him.
posted by Amy93 at 8:52 PM on July 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
You said: "Apparently when things go awry in relationships as I am seeing here one parent in this case the mom automatically assumes full parental rights of the child while the father pencils in time with said child only at his convenience." Yeah, so, when you got pregnant, you BOTH assumed full parental rights to the child. You both became fully responsible. Since you guys are separated, that means that you work out a schedule and you stick to it. He doesn't sound like he's being a deadbeat dad here. He's doing what he needs to do; he's getting on a schedule that works for him and his son and he's asking you to respect that. If you want him to spend more time with his son, you need to communicate to him and work out an arrangement that works for both of you.
But, yes, gently, I don't think he's being unreasonable here. He shouldn't have to reschedule his life to take his son when you need it. I'm sure you wouldn't want him dropping off your son early if he has him, forcing you to cancel your plans. Your son is not something that can "hold" for a year; that makes him sound like an inatimate object.
You need to talk to him.
posted by Amy93 at 8:52 PM on July 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I wonder if you have negotiated for what you truly need. You can work out a custody agreement where you each have 50/50 custody or whatever arrangement you agree on. You can also arrange right of first refusal around childcare.
It sounds like you would like your child's father to step in when you need care. This is reasonable, if it is working. I imagine that, for his new wife, this brings in some chaos. She may be the one who ends up meal planning, picking the child up or other things, if that is how their household works. I can see why she would want a predictable schedule.
If you go back to school and need childcare, your child's father would be expected to contribute to that cost and perhaps to set up his own care for the days in which the child is with him. (This would also be true if you are working.) His contribution should be based on proportion of income. It is possible that, faced with this, he and his wife might decide that they will accept right of first refusal and care for the child. Or they may prefer to arrange or contribute to childcare costs.
I have seen other circumstances where one parent believes strongly that the child should be placed with the other parent whenever childcare is needed. This is a personal belief and valid. But it only works if the other parent will step up. If the other parent is not able or willing to do this, you either need to change what you are doing or you need them to contribute to the cost. And I don't say that lightly. It may be very upsetting to arrive at this, especially if you very much value the child being with family. But the other parent may not want to do so or maybe they need to work. And it's also possible that their spouse may be picking up all sorts of extra care for the child and thus may be pushing for childcare, so that they don't become the default.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:27 PM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you would like your child's father to step in when you need care. This is reasonable, if it is working. I imagine that, for his new wife, this brings in some chaos. She may be the one who ends up meal planning, picking the child up or other things, if that is how their household works. I can see why she would want a predictable schedule.
If you go back to school and need childcare, your child's father would be expected to contribute to that cost and perhaps to set up his own care for the days in which the child is with him. (This would also be true if you are working.) His contribution should be based on proportion of income. It is possible that, faced with this, he and his wife might decide that they will accept right of first refusal and care for the child. Or they may prefer to arrange or contribute to childcare costs.
I have seen other circumstances where one parent believes strongly that the child should be placed with the other parent whenever childcare is needed. This is a personal belief and valid. But it only works if the other parent will step up. If the other parent is not able or willing to do this, you either need to change what you are doing or you need them to contribute to the cost. And I don't say that lightly. It may be very upsetting to arrive at this, especially if you very much value the child being with family. But the other parent may not want to do so or maybe they need to work. And it's also possible that their spouse may be picking up all sorts of extra care for the child and thus may be pushing for childcare, so that they don't become the default.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:27 PM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I hope this helps in some way, just to show that there are shared models that can work.
My ex and I settled on shared custody when we broke up, our daughter was 5.. We agreed an arrangement of one week on, one week off, and we lived close enough to our daughters school that this was practical. We both, within a year or two, ended up with new partners, by the way, for whom this deal was part of the package. We would both spot each other a night here and there for emergencies or special occasions, but this was understood to be a matter for negotiation, not a guarantee (although I almost always said yes if I could, knowing this improved my chances of a yes when I needed it).
This worked very well for years. The big benefit was the predictability for everyone.
Clearly there's a whole bunch of other shit going on for you about things like what your ex's wife's role is, how active your ex should be, and so on. I just want to say that schedules per se can be very good and work well and actually prevent conflict.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 2:00 AM on July 28, 2017
My ex and I settled on shared custody when we broke up, our daughter was 5.. We agreed an arrangement of one week on, one week off, and we lived close enough to our daughters school that this was practical. We both, within a year or two, ended up with new partners, by the way, for whom this deal was part of the package. We would both spot each other a night here and there for emergencies or special occasions, but this was understood to be a matter for negotiation, not a guarantee (although I almost always said yes if I could, knowing this improved my chances of a yes when I needed it).
This worked very well for years. The big benefit was the predictability for everyone.
Clearly there's a whole bunch of other shit going on for you about things like what your ex's wife's role is, how active your ex should be, and so on. I just want to say that schedules per se can be very good and work well and actually prevent conflict.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 2:00 AM on July 28, 2017
OP: Mine is the unpopular view of the father being just as much responsible for the child as the mother.
I don't think this is an unpopular view, especially on MeFi.
posted by JimN2TAW at 3:16 PM on July 28, 2017 [8 favorites]
I don't think this is an unpopular view, especially on MeFi.
posted by JimN2TAW at 3:16 PM on July 28, 2017 [8 favorites]
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There is nothing you can do to change that, nor should you be pushing to inject your son into an environment where his stepmother is actively hostile to him. Her off-the-wall jealousy and/or control issues must not become your son's problem.
If hands-on care of your son and parenting support of you is not something your child's father can provide, you may wish to take this opportunity to be sure that your son's dad is contributing everything else he can muster in terms of child support so that you can literally, occasionally buy the break he will not give you and, you know, hire a babysitter.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:39 AM on July 27, 2017 [10 favorites]