Seeking wedding resources for a low-key, reluctant, feminist bri... ugh.
July 25, 2017 8:10 AM Subscribe
After dating for 5 years and discussing marriage for the last 6 months, my partner and I have set the date for May 2018. We called our family and friends, and everyone is happy and excited. And so am I! And more!!!!
Wedding website checklists are making me panic (who knew that the wedding beauty routine is supposed to start 10 months out?! What is a wedding beauty routine!???) Touring venues is filling me with self-doubt (“what if people arrive at this venue and feel like they’re at….. a wedding??????”) Questions about our engagement are enraging me (Proposal? Oh, you mean talking about a major life decision like grown-ass adults rather than staging a performance??)
My partner and I are private people, and getting engaged feels like an invitation for every single person to weigh in. I’m a long-time critic of the wedding-industrial complex, and am struggling to balance this with the desire to have a beautiful and fun party to celebrate our relationship in a way that is fitting for us. And, I think there’s a dash of internalized misogyny at play, as well (like, spending an hour Pinteresting wedding gowns and then loathing myself for it.)
To be clear: I am having no doubts about my relationship, or about getting married as the next step. I am having no doubts about a desire to have a wedding to celebrate with our friends and family. The reality of our professional schedules makes it challenging to push the date back (I will be starting residency in June.)
I'm looking for anecdotes about how you wrapped your head around this or stopped thinking so hard about it, things you've read that offer some commentary or advice, or wedding planning or idea websites that are low-key and minimally prescriptive. I'm not terribly interested in your non-traditional wedding (I'm sure it was lovely).
Wedding website checklists are making me panic (who knew that the wedding beauty routine is supposed to start 10 months out?! What is a wedding beauty routine!???) Touring venues is filling me with self-doubt (“what if people arrive at this venue and feel like they’re at….. a wedding??????”) Questions about our engagement are enraging me (Proposal? Oh, you mean talking about a major life decision like grown-ass adults rather than staging a performance??)
My partner and I are private people, and getting engaged feels like an invitation for every single person to weigh in. I’m a long-time critic of the wedding-industrial complex, and am struggling to balance this with the desire to have a beautiful and fun party to celebrate our relationship in a way that is fitting for us. And, I think there’s a dash of internalized misogyny at play, as well (like, spending an hour Pinteresting wedding gowns and then loathing myself for it.)
To be clear: I am having no doubts about my relationship, or about getting married as the next step. I am having no doubts about a desire to have a wedding to celebrate with our friends and family. The reality of our professional schedules makes it challenging to push the date back (I will be starting residency in June.)
I'm looking for anecdotes about how you wrapped your head around this or stopped thinking so hard about it, things you've read that offer some commentary or advice, or wedding planning or idea websites that are low-key and minimally prescriptive. I'm not terribly interested in your non-traditional wedding (I'm sure it was lovely).
Best answer: Congratulations!
- A Practical Wedding (both the blog and even moreso the book) tends to be the go-to for people who are not interested in being part of the wedding-industrial complex.
- Talk with your partner about weddings you've attended, traditions you've seen or that you know your families hold important, and what you do and don't like about them. There is no required recipe for a wedding other than someone legally capable of doing so making it official - everything else is optional, so put your judgmental hats on and have a serious conversation about how awesome the food truck was at your friend's wedding or how horrific the garter thing was at your cousin's wedding or whatever, and get on the same page about the kinds of things you've seen before that you do or don't want.
- It is just a beautiful and fun party! You're under no requirement to tell any vendor you interact with that it's for a wedding. As far as they're concerned you're inviting X of your closest friends to just celebrate something and there will be food and maybe cake and you'll wear a dress that happens to be white (maybe! Maybe not!). Maybe if vendors are less likely to be treating you like A Bride, you'll have an easier time getting through the planning and organizing.
posted by olinerd at 8:21 AM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
- A Practical Wedding (both the blog and even moreso the book) tends to be the go-to for people who are not interested in being part of the wedding-industrial complex.
- Talk with your partner about weddings you've attended, traditions you've seen or that you know your families hold important, and what you do and don't like about them. There is no required recipe for a wedding other than someone legally capable of doing so making it official - everything else is optional, so put your judgmental hats on and have a serious conversation about how awesome the food truck was at your friend's wedding or how horrific the garter thing was at your cousin's wedding or whatever, and get on the same page about the kinds of things you've seen before that you do or don't want.
- It is just a beautiful and fun party! You're under no requirement to tell any vendor you interact with that it's for a wedding. As far as they're concerned you're inviting X of your closest friends to just celebrate something and there will be food and maybe cake and you'll wear a dress that happens to be white (maybe! Maybe not!). Maybe if vendors are less likely to be treating you like A Bride, you'll have an easier time getting through the planning and organizing.
posted by olinerd at 8:21 AM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
I thought of it as an awesome party where all our family and friends would get to meet each other and hang out and have drinks and dance.
When faced with annoying questions, I focused on the fact that people were just super excited for us and really delighted to talk about a joyous event. Talking about my upcoming wedding was a way for people to reflect back on the joy of their own wedding (I'm going to go look at my wedding pictures now, thanks!!!)
posted by avocado_of_merriment at 8:25 AM on July 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
When faced with annoying questions, I focused on the fact that people were just super excited for us and really delighted to talk about a joyous event. Talking about my upcoming wedding was a way for people to reflect back on the joy of their own wedding (I'm going to go look at my wedding pictures now, thanks!!!)
posted by avocado_of_merriment at 8:25 AM on July 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
If it's helpful, our non-traditional rustic-not-fancy minimalist wedding really resonated with a bunch of our guests - including my grandmother who was loathe to see us get married outside of a church and at a brewery. She had so much fun. The most common thing we heard is "this wedding is so you." The two wedding photos that get the most reaction from the people who know were us on swings (we spend a lot of time in parks) and one where my groomsmen and I recreated panel-for-panel a Perry Bible Fellowship comic.
We kept reminding ourselves that the wedding complex is about other people - and we were rewarded in the end for being true to ourselves vs. imagining the expectations of everyone else around us. We gave in on a few things (dessert AND cake seemed so wasteful, but was important to my wife's parents) but generally our day was our day.
Trust that the people who love you want the wedding to be happy for you. They'll have opinions, but once they arrive they're going to be happy to celebrate you how you like.
posted by notorious medium at 8:27 AM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
We kept reminding ourselves that the wedding complex is about other people - and we were rewarded in the end for being true to ourselves vs. imagining the expectations of everyone else around us. We gave in on a few things (dessert AND cake seemed so wasteful, but was important to my wife's parents) but generally our day was our day.
Trust that the people who love you want the wedding to be happy for you. They'll have opinions, but once they arrive they're going to be happy to celebrate you how you like.
posted by notorious medium at 8:27 AM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Congratulations!
Here's how we handled it, coming from a pretty similar headspace. We talked about what we thought of when we thought of weddings, wrote it all down, and then started talking about what bits were actually important to us, what were not, and what we might want to introduce that wasn't already on the list. THEN we started looking at those checklists to get a sense of what the timing was for those things that we were keeping, and ignored those we were not. We also treated a lot of it like throwing a party rather than a wedding, so we avoided a lot of the industrial complex concerns.
I won't describe in detail what it ended up looking like, since that's explicitly not what you are after, but if it's any comfort I can tell you that as an example of how well it worked out, not one single person asked where the flowers were.
posted by solotoro at 8:28 AM on July 25, 2017
Here's how we handled it, coming from a pretty similar headspace. We talked about what we thought of when we thought of weddings, wrote it all down, and then started talking about what bits were actually important to us, what were not, and what we might want to introduce that wasn't already on the list. THEN we started looking at those checklists to get a sense of what the timing was for those things that we were keeping, and ignored those we were not. We also treated a lot of it like throwing a party rather than a wedding, so we avoided a lot of the industrial complex concerns.
I won't describe in detail what it ended up looking like, since that's explicitly not what you are after, but if it's any comfort I can tell you that as an example of how well it worked out, not one single person asked where the flowers were.
posted by solotoro at 8:28 AM on July 25, 2017
You will not be letting feminism down if you have traditional things and/or events at your wedding. You will not be letting your family down if you skip any traditional things you don't like, so ignore any guilt trips from either direction. It is a big event where you have to feed people and you will likely dress fancy, so it will cost money and that is part of the deal. Take time to accept that and you will be much calmer and more decisive.
posted by soelo at 8:29 AM on July 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by soelo at 8:29 AM on July 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
we had out wedding outside at a guest house on the campus we work at. we wrote the (very short) script ourselves and had a non-clergy friend officiate it (there was some paperwork and they had to be a local resident).
big expenses were food/drink (over $50/head and we only served hard stuff the first hour) and photographer. i had access to a PA so i was able to handle the music myself.
find a cheap location to do it and just have a good time!
posted by noloveforned at 8:30 AM on July 25, 2017
big expenses were food/drink (over $50/head and we only served hard stuff the first hour) and photographer. i had access to a PA so i was able to handle the music myself.
find a cheap location to do it and just have a good time!
posted by noloveforned at 8:30 AM on July 25, 2017
Best answer: Weddings are expensive so you usually have to make some choices about what to spend money on. This is also a way to winnow through the mass of information and figure out what sort of wedding you want. Do you and your fiancé love food but don't care much about dancing? Then you can look for a smaller reception venue and focus on the food. If you care a lot about flowers, you can splurge on flowers. If you'd like a bouquet but don't have strong preferences about it, the you can spend your time and energy thinking about other things.
Also, when people ask about your engagement, don't feel like you have to answer nosy questions you don't want to answer. Miss Manners' time-honored trick can work pretty well here: answer the more polite question you wish they'd asked instead of the one they're asking. For example:
Mr. Nosy Parker: "So, how did John propose?"
You: "It was a lovely day."
Mr. N.P. "Did he spend a lot on the ring?"
You: "Isn't it beautiful?"
Mr. N.P "So...are you pregnant?"
You: "We're so excited to be getting married!"
posted by colfax at 8:40 AM on July 25, 2017 [6 favorites]
Also, when people ask about your engagement, don't feel like you have to answer nosy questions you don't want to answer. Miss Manners' time-honored trick can work pretty well here: answer the more polite question you wish they'd asked instead of the one they're asking. For example:
Mr. Nosy Parker: "So, how did John propose?"
You: "It was a lovely day."
Mr. N.P. "Did he spend a lot on the ring?"
You: "Isn't it beautiful?"
Mr. N.P "So...are you pregnant?"
You: "We're so excited to be getting married!"
posted by colfax at 8:40 AM on July 25, 2017 [6 favorites]
yes, you are definitely the target for A Practical Wedding! There is a lot about feminism and weddings and marriage on the site, and the team is very, very explicitly feminist. You really don't need A Beauty Routine (my cousin did my make up! I did my hair!). At the end of the day, all you really need is someone legally able to perform the wedding (we had my brother do it, he got a one-day certification from the state) and the paperwork required by your state, and the two of you plus whatever witnesses you need legally. Everything else is gravy.
We decided we had two goals for the day: that we end up married, and that no one got food poisoning from our food. :) I found it unexpectedly moving and momentous to swear our vows in front of all the people we loved most.
posted by john_snow at 8:40 AM on July 25, 2017
We decided we had two goals for the day: that we end up married, and that no one got food poisoning from our food. :) I found it unexpectedly moving and momentous to swear our vows in front of all the people we loved most.
posted by john_snow at 8:40 AM on July 25, 2017
I might be naive about this (probably am), but do you really need to spend much time looking at websites? In the end it's your wedding, and presumably you and your partner have been to a few in your time. Do you know roughly what kind of ceremony you'd like? What kind of reception/party? Are there weddings you've been to that you liked? You don't actually have to fit into any particular mold. Why are other people's routines relevant?
I feel like you can make a list of basic things you need and want to figure out, and then figure them out, similarly to how you'd go about planning other large events. Wedding websites seem like a resource to use only insofar as you actually enjoy them.
(Big caveat: I have never planned a wedding.)
posted by trig at 8:43 AM on July 25, 2017
I feel like you can make a list of basic things you need and want to figure out, and then figure them out, similarly to how you'd go about planning other large events. Wedding websites seem like a resource to use only insofar as you actually enjoy them.
(Big caveat: I have never planned a wedding.)
posted by trig at 8:43 AM on July 25, 2017
Best answer: It might be counterintuitive, but because you are throwing a big party, having more of a traditional wedding at a space (restaurant, event space) where they do a lot of weddings and other parties will be easier. They have a formula, and you can just say, "yes," "no," "green," "round," "DJ," and so on. If you want to have it on a mountaintop, that's going to be a whole lot more work.
You might have the same appetizers and plates and napkins and dessert bar as 1000 other weddings, but that it will be special, because it will be the two of you and it will be your friends and family, and your music, and your toasts, and a dozen other details you can choose.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 8:45 AM on July 25, 2017 [10 favorites]
You might have the same appetizers and plates and napkins and dessert bar as 1000 other weddings, but that it will be special, because it will be the two of you and it will be your friends and family, and your music, and your toasts, and a dozen other details you can choose.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 8:45 AM on July 25, 2017 [10 favorites]
You don't have to have A. Wedding . . . to get married. My spouse and I have been to over 35 weddings in the past 10 years - some of that is just being the right age, knowing a lot of people, cultural stuff, whatever. We have been to weddings that cost small fortunes and weddings thrown without permits in public parks. There is no right way to wedding.
What if you were to separate out the wedding from the party? Have the beautiful fun party of your dreams, show off a couple pictures from whatever you choose to do for an actual ceremony (be it city hall or a tiny group of immediate family or whatever). Ive seen this done successfully several times.
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 8:45 AM on July 25, 2017
What if you were to separate out the wedding from the party? Have the beautiful fun party of your dreams, show off a couple pictures from whatever you choose to do for an actual ceremony (be it city hall or a tiny group of immediate family or whatever). Ive seen this done successfully several times.
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 8:45 AM on July 25, 2017
I had the traditional church wedding but we wanted to make things very simple for the reception. My focus was food and fun.
I had a small, intimate dinner after the wedding with our closest relatives and friends at a French country inn. Afterwards, we had a party with a larger group of friends and relatives with an open bar, very simple flowers and our main budget went to a live band and fancy horsey dourveys finger foods. Our favors were miniatures of Jameson whiskey.
Our money wasn't spent on foo foo chair covers, table cloths, napkins, or a DJ doing the chicken dance. I trusted my caterer to make the final decisions and recommendations for many of our wedding related tasks. Our guests and relatives from Ireland met our Filipino relatives and American co-workers, danced the night away and ate themselves silly.
I am really glad I let go of some of the traditions that were expected and prioritized our budget.
posted by IndigoOnTheGo at 8:47 AM on July 25, 2017
I had a small, intimate dinner after the wedding with our closest relatives and friends at a French country inn. Afterwards, we had a party with a larger group of friends and relatives with an open bar, very simple flowers and our main budget went to a live band and fancy horsey dourveys finger foods. Our favors were miniatures of Jameson whiskey.
Our money wasn't spent on foo foo chair covers, table cloths, napkins, or a DJ doing the chicken dance. I trusted my caterer to make the final decisions and recommendations for many of our wedding related tasks. Our guests and relatives from Ireland met our Filipino relatives and American co-workers, danced the night away and ate themselves silly.
I am really glad I let go of some of the traditions that were expected and prioritized our budget.
posted by IndigoOnTheGo at 8:47 AM on July 25, 2017
Yeah, this is exactly why we ran off to Key West to get married, and then had a low key reception later with family and friends. It's been 12 years now, and I don't think either of us have any regrets.
posted by Maxwell's demon at 8:51 AM on July 25, 2017
posted by Maxwell's demon at 8:51 AM on July 25, 2017
The book by the A Practical Wedding folks is great, and includes exercises to help you figure our your priorities. They also have a workbook.
I also recently started reading (based on MeFi recs) the book The Paradox of Choice, which is helping me freak out less about decision-making in general.
That said...the thought of planning a wedding plus dealing with my family sent me into major panic, so we eloped at City Hall in San Francisco and it was perfect.
posted by radioamy at 9:01 AM on July 25, 2017
I also recently started reading (based on MeFi recs) the book The Paradox of Choice, which is helping me freak out less about decision-making in general.
That said...the thought of planning a wedding plus dealing with my family sent me into major panic, so we eloped at City Hall in San Francisco and it was perfect.
posted by radioamy at 9:01 AM on July 25, 2017
Best answer: I have been engaged for...a long time, partly because I just cannot deal with this. I wanted to offer one thought, though, in response to this:
getting engaged feels like an invitation for every single person to weigh in.
People who are interested in this part of your life are probably in a great mood about it. Love! Family! Party! Music! Pretty dresses! Deep commitment! Setting the course of your lives! This is ridiculous, but it's also a genuine focus of good will, which is incredibly rare and important.
So. Your thoughts about this are slightly different from their thoughts. They are in a good mood, they are asking you questions, they are extremely interested. This is your _moment_ to actually communicate your values.
Maybe take a few minutes, or longer, to figure out how to put into words what _is_ important about this, to you, and what isn't, and how to say that gently and lovingly and even joyfully. People who are asking about your wedding want to have a tiny sliver of your happiness in their lives for a moment; you can give them some of the truth of your happiness.
You don't have to feel like their every conventional question is pushing conventional expectations in to you. A question is sometimes an opening for you to gently nudge your own ideas out toward the other person. In fact, it's an invitation for you to do that.
posted by amtho at 9:03 AM on July 25, 2017 [14 favorites]
getting engaged feels like an invitation for every single person to weigh in.
People who are interested in this part of your life are probably in a great mood about it. Love! Family! Party! Music! Pretty dresses! Deep commitment! Setting the course of your lives! This is ridiculous, but it's also a genuine focus of good will, which is incredibly rare and important.
So. Your thoughts about this are slightly different from their thoughts. They are in a good mood, they are asking you questions, they are extremely interested. This is your _moment_ to actually communicate your values.
Maybe take a few minutes, or longer, to figure out how to put into words what _is_ important about this, to you, and what isn't, and how to say that gently and lovingly and even joyfully. People who are asking about your wedding want to have a tiny sliver of your happiness in their lives for a moment; you can give them some of the truth of your happiness.
You don't have to feel like their every conventional question is pushing conventional expectations in to you. A question is sometimes an opening for you to gently nudge your own ideas out toward the other person. In fact, it's an invitation for you to do that.
posted by amtho at 9:03 AM on July 25, 2017 [14 favorites]
I definitely agree with the sentiments here. Decide what's important to you, decide who's important to you, but also decide on a budget. Wedding or no, parties are expensive if you want to provide food and drink for everyone so plan accordingly. We had a fairly modestly sized, non-traditional wedding and we still ended up spending a bunch on the caterer and the bar, and I don't think that price really goes down if it's just "a party" versus "a wedding".
I think what helped me come to terms with spending the money was that most of it went to local small business. Our caterer was an independent local operation with a good reputation, we hired a piano player through a local college, and the venue was a historic building so those fees went right back in to the town's coffers and towards preservation efforts. No one ever made us felt pressured to go beyond what were willing to put up with.
posted by backseatpilot at 9:06 AM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
I think what helped me come to terms with spending the money was that most of it went to local small business. Our caterer was an independent local operation with a good reputation, we hired a piano player through a local college, and the venue was a historic building so those fees went right back in to the town's coffers and towards preservation efforts. No one ever made us felt pressured to go beyond what were willing to put up with.
posted by backseatpilot at 9:06 AM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
I’m a long-time critic of the wedding-industrial complex, and am struggling to balance this with the desire to have a beautiful and fun party to celebrate our relationship in a way that is fitting for us
Drop any ideas the first crams into your head and focus on the second. No more wedding magazines, pinterest, or industrial wedding complex blogs. Even the 'timelines.' Come at your beautiful celebration from scratch.
My wife and I also made a boring, mature decision to have the legal and social protections afforded married persons. Neither of us wanted a big fancy wedding, so we started from what we did want. Some family and friends. A nice meal. Good conversation. Beautiful fall scenery. Very little fuss. Something that reflected us and what we like. What did we end up with? A venue that had personal meaning for us, that overlooked a pond and trees that already know how to work with caterers (super helpful). No dancing meant no dance floor, so that was cheaper. Caterer: a restaurant that also did catering; we opted for brunch (kind of a tea party) and pie instead of cake because a. we love pie and b. fall pie is amazing (pumpkin, apple, pecan . . .). Brunch made it cheaper, pie made it cheaper, but those are also things we really like. We invited family, some extended family, and friends. The woman who introduced us got a one-day certificate to officiate and married us. My sister and her best friend gave readings. We had a champagne toast, but no other booze. The venue did the 'bar tending' for that. We had a trio of musicians play during the meal. We hired a photographer one year out of school--good rates! The pictures are lovely. She wore a non traditional dress; I wore a suit. I still get compliments--four years later--from my family that it was the best wedding they had ever been to, that it was so very us.
Start from your relationship and what the two of you love and figure out how to share a little of that with your guests. You will end up with something beautiful.
posted by carrioncomfort at 9:25 AM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Drop any ideas the first crams into your head and focus on the second. No more wedding magazines, pinterest, or industrial wedding complex blogs. Even the 'timelines.' Come at your beautiful celebration from scratch.
My wife and I also made a boring, mature decision to have the legal and social protections afforded married persons. Neither of us wanted a big fancy wedding, so we started from what we did want. Some family and friends. A nice meal. Good conversation. Beautiful fall scenery. Very little fuss. Something that reflected us and what we like. What did we end up with? A venue that had personal meaning for us, that overlooked a pond and trees that already know how to work with caterers (super helpful). No dancing meant no dance floor, so that was cheaper. Caterer: a restaurant that also did catering; we opted for brunch (kind of a tea party) and pie instead of cake because a. we love pie and b. fall pie is amazing (pumpkin, apple, pecan . . .). Brunch made it cheaper, pie made it cheaper, but those are also things we really like. We invited family, some extended family, and friends. The woman who introduced us got a one-day certificate to officiate and married us. My sister and her best friend gave readings. We had a champagne toast, but no other booze. The venue did the 'bar tending' for that. We had a trio of musicians play during the meal. We hired a photographer one year out of school--good rates! The pictures are lovely. She wore a non traditional dress; I wore a suit. I still get compliments--four years later--from my family that it was the best wedding they had ever been to, that it was so very us.
Start from your relationship and what the two of you love and figure out how to share a little of that with your guests. You will end up with something beautiful.
posted by carrioncomfort at 9:25 AM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
This is going to sound counter-intuitive, but I strongly suggest hiring a wedding planner.
I know! Wedding planners are for gross people having over-the-top weddings with live swans walking down the aisle! You want to have a low-key wedding, why would you need a planner? Is anything more wedding-industrial-complex than a professional wedding planner?
I thought all of those things as well. Then my wife and I paid for a one hour consulting appointment with a planner and ended up hiring her on the spot. She kicked ass. She wrangled all of our vendors and our families, she knew what needed to happen when, and she gave us guidance on how much things are supposed to cost (which was huge, as you'll learn when you see what happens to the price of things when you tell people that they're for a wedding). Absolutely the best decision we made in planning our wedding.
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:34 AM on July 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
I know! Wedding planners are for gross people having over-the-top weddings with live swans walking down the aisle! You want to have a low-key wedding, why would you need a planner? Is anything more wedding-industrial-complex than a professional wedding planner?
I thought all of those things as well. Then my wife and I paid for a one hour consulting appointment with a planner and ended up hiring her on the spot. She kicked ass. She wrangled all of our vendors and our families, she knew what needed to happen when, and she gave us guidance on how much things are supposed to cost (which was huge, as you'll learn when you see what happens to the price of things when you tell people that they're for a wedding). Absolutely the best decision we made in planning our wedding.
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:34 AM on July 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
If having a checklist is helpful, then I would take the most overblown checklist you can print out, get out a sharpie, and go over it now. Anything that looks ridiculous, stupid, or just not you, cross right out (or write NOPE across, or HAHAHAHA Yeah, no, or whatever makes you smile when you see it). Anything that you never heard of before but are willing to consider, or you haven't decided if you want or not, put a question mark next to it. Later on you can research the things you don't know, talk about the things you're unsure about, and then go through all the ?'s, and cross off or circle accordingly.
You're left with a checkist of the the things you know you want: Probably music, photographer, venue, flowers, officiant, clothing, food, guest list, invitations, etc, all in a timeframe.
The approximate headcount and the venue are the only thing you need to worry about right away, because some spaces can fill up a year in advance, and you need to know (roughly) how many people you're inviting in order to pick a space. Once you've decided that, most things have far shorter lead times.
posted by Mchelly at 9:52 AM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
You're left with a checkist of the the things you know you want: Probably music, photographer, venue, flowers, officiant, clothing, food, guest list, invitations, etc, all in a timeframe.
The approximate headcount and the venue are the only thing you need to worry about right away, because some spaces can fill up a year in advance, and you need to know (roughly) how many people you're inviting in order to pick a space. Once you've decided that, most things have far shorter lead times.
posted by Mchelly at 9:52 AM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I would second Mr. Know-it-some above -- the more you try to create a completely unique, bespoke, entirely individual wedding experience, the more of your life will be devoted to Pinterest, Etsy, handcrafting DIY thingamajigs, etc. Before you know it your life will be taken over by wedding planning minutiae - which is fun for some people, but doesn't sound like it's your thing. I think it's GOOD to have a look at wedding sites at the very beginning of planning in order to get some inspiration and a sense of what you do and don't what as well as the jargon (if, like me, you are not a person who had ever thought about such things) -- but then walk away once you feel you know.
Go with a venue that knows how to throw a great party, has associations with great caterers or other suppliers, and that feels "right" to you in terms of the space. Decide between you what elements are important to have tweaked just right and spend more time on those. We also thought about our wedding as a great party that would feel like a reunion of all our friends and family from three continents, so we spent our time thinking about the flow - what would make a great party, what would be fun for our guests, what would make us sit back and look around and think, hell yes, we are all having fun. It was a great time, we had 7 months between engagement and wedding, and it wasn't terribly stressful because we didn't sweat the small stuff and paid professionals to do what they know how to do.
Oh, and yes, all venues and vendors will assume you're a stereotypical giddy bride-to-be and interact with you accordingly -- when we toured our venue I actually felt nervous that our wedding was going to let down the manager and her obvious love with over-the-top extravaganzas. Bridal shops laughed when I didn't realize most people order wedding dresses like 9 months in advance - ie, shorter than our engagement. You shrug and learn and work around! Best advice I ever got which I repeated to myself often: if you find yourself agonizing over table linen, it's time to step back. Nobody in the history of the world has ever said "That was such a great wedding. Did you see their napkins?"
posted by oneaday at 9:54 AM on July 25, 2017 [5 favorites]
Go with a venue that knows how to throw a great party, has associations with great caterers or other suppliers, and that feels "right" to you in terms of the space. Decide between you what elements are important to have tweaked just right and spend more time on those. We also thought about our wedding as a great party that would feel like a reunion of all our friends and family from three continents, so we spent our time thinking about the flow - what would make a great party, what would be fun for our guests, what would make us sit back and look around and think, hell yes, we are all having fun. It was a great time, we had 7 months between engagement and wedding, and it wasn't terribly stressful because we didn't sweat the small stuff and paid professionals to do what they know how to do.
Oh, and yes, all venues and vendors will assume you're a stereotypical giddy bride-to-be and interact with you accordingly -- when we toured our venue I actually felt nervous that our wedding was going to let down the manager and her obvious love with over-the-top extravaganzas. Bridal shops laughed when I didn't realize most people order wedding dresses like 9 months in advance - ie, shorter than our engagement. You shrug and learn and work around! Best advice I ever got which I repeated to myself often: if you find yourself agonizing over table linen, it's time to step back. Nobody in the history of the world has ever said "That was such a great wedding. Did you see their napkins?"
posted by oneaday at 9:54 AM on July 25, 2017 [5 favorites]
This is where it is so helpful to have trustworthy friends or relatives to whom you can delegate some of the legwork. I come from a large family, and as a result my sisters and I are so accustomed to managing the planning and execution of large-scale events that we are frequently recruited to assist with weddings.
This is your chance to make it as solemn or as fun as you want it to be. You're right that you don't have to buy into any of the traditional stuff. To be honest, you don't necessarily need a great deal of lead time, either. We've done weddings with as short notice as two weeks, and you know - it works out.
Start by listing what's important for you to have or do for your ceremony and reception. You might not really care about that beauty regimen stuff. You might not care about the ceremony being held in a church. You might not care about a traditional wedding cake. You might want to roll up to the officiant on motorcycles instead of walking down the aisle. Instead of a garter, you might want another romantic token to wear or carry. It might be terribly important to have your elderly relatives present, even if it means hiring someone to bring them to the wedding and look after their needs. The reception might be a higher priority than the ceremony itself - in which case, focus your budget and planning primarily on that.
Once you've got your priorities, list some possibilities for each and take it from there. And don't, DON'T fret about what others will think.
(Speaking of the traditional wedding cake: one of the more fun ones we made had completely different flavors/fillings in each tier and was covered in rolled fondant. No flowers, no fancy scrollwork. The night before the wedding, the bridemaids and groomsmen covered the cake with royal icing graffitti - jokes, slogans, best wishes, whatever they wanted to write on it. It looked a little stark with just writing all over it, so we dusted it very lightly with pastel iridescent edible glitter. Just enough to give a little sparkle under the lights. The bride loved it.)
Final advice: no matter what goes wrong on The Day (and trust, at least one thing will) keep smiling. Don't think of it as ruining the day, think of it as making it that much more memorable.
posted by Lunaloon at 9:57 AM on July 25, 2017
This is your chance to make it as solemn or as fun as you want it to be. You're right that you don't have to buy into any of the traditional stuff. To be honest, you don't necessarily need a great deal of lead time, either. We've done weddings with as short notice as two weeks, and you know - it works out.
Start by listing what's important for you to have or do for your ceremony and reception. You might not really care about that beauty regimen stuff. You might not care about the ceremony being held in a church. You might not care about a traditional wedding cake. You might want to roll up to the officiant on motorcycles instead of walking down the aisle. Instead of a garter, you might want another romantic token to wear or carry. It might be terribly important to have your elderly relatives present, even if it means hiring someone to bring them to the wedding and look after their needs. The reception might be a higher priority than the ceremony itself - in which case, focus your budget and planning primarily on that.
Once you've got your priorities, list some possibilities for each and take it from there. And don't, DON'T fret about what others will think.
(Speaking of the traditional wedding cake: one of the more fun ones we made had completely different flavors/fillings in each tier and was covered in rolled fondant. No flowers, no fancy scrollwork. The night before the wedding, the bridemaids and groomsmen covered the cake with royal icing graffitti - jokes, slogans, best wishes, whatever they wanted to write on it. It looked a little stark with just writing all over it, so we dusted it very lightly with pastel iridescent edible glitter. Just enough to give a little sparkle under the lights. The bride loved it.)
Final advice: no matter what goes wrong on The Day (and trust, at least one thing will) keep smiling. Don't think of it as ruining the day, think of it as making it that much more memorable.
posted by Lunaloon at 9:57 AM on July 25, 2017
The best wedding I've been to was at a state park where we all wore whatever we wanted and had a giant picnic catered by a local deli with boxes of donuts instead of cake. The bride's brother married them and the ceremony was super short. Invitations said to be ready to play frisbee or go on a hike and we all just chilled. The scenery was beautiful. Everyone was there, and it was perfect.
You can do whatever you want. At the end of the day, it's just a big party full of the people you love.
posted by sockermom at 10:11 AM on July 25, 2017
You can do whatever you want. At the end of the day, it's just a big party full of the people you love.
posted by sockermom at 10:11 AM on July 25, 2017
Mr. Ant and I got married in a coffee shop by a retired city councilor who ad-libbed our vows, so I don't have to forsake all others but my husband has to vacuum. Seriously. Make the day and the event what YOU want it to be. If anyone starts throwing shade, tell them that you're more focused on the marriage than on the wedding.
posted by workerant at 10:26 AM on July 25, 2017
posted by workerant at 10:26 AM on July 25, 2017
I just got married with similar feelings and in addition to the great suggestions here (yes, A Practical Wedding!), I'd focus on the "what needs to be done" and leave behind "but am I a bad feminist/prisoner of the wedding-industrial complex?" abstract thinking as much as you can. Weddings are a little like other overwhelming life events -- they are daunting in the abstract but in the end, you do your best, check off your to-dos and everyone has a great time celebrating your happiness, which is a lovely, guilt-free thing.
The book helps with checklists and "hey, did you think of this?" without the breathless 10-month beauty routine nonsense. If you can enlist a friend to help with something discrete on that checklist -- help pick invitations, go look for a (non-wedding, if you prefer) dress, sample food options (who doesn't like dessert?), it becomes about the event that you're celebrating with people you love and less about the larger political implications of participating in something you have misgivings about.
The hyperventilating about how much time you need for everything is really for those people who have to have the PERFECT venue with the PERFECT cake in June on a specific date. If you are flexible and low-key and do not need all the advance time to either DIY a Pinterest fantasy or book the hard-to-get venue, most other things are negotiable. I personally know a sweet lesbian couple who had been together for 30 years but after the Supreme Court issued its opinion in the same-sex marriage case, threw together a gorgeous wedding in about 6 weeks that honored their feelings about marriage in the abstract but also their (private) love for each other.
Also, "yes, we are really excited!" is an awesome non-answer for any intrusive question you don't feel like engaging with!
posted by *s at 10:36 AM on July 25, 2017
The book helps with checklists and "hey, did you think of this?" without the breathless 10-month beauty routine nonsense. If you can enlist a friend to help with something discrete on that checklist -- help pick invitations, go look for a (non-wedding, if you prefer) dress, sample food options (who doesn't like dessert?), it becomes about the event that you're celebrating with people you love and less about the larger political implications of participating in something you have misgivings about.
The hyperventilating about how much time you need for everything is really for those people who have to have the PERFECT venue with the PERFECT cake in June on a specific date. If you are flexible and low-key and do not need all the advance time to either DIY a Pinterest fantasy or book the hard-to-get venue, most other things are negotiable. I personally know a sweet lesbian couple who had been together for 30 years but after the Supreme Court issued its opinion in the same-sex marriage case, threw together a gorgeous wedding in about 6 weeks that honored their feelings about marriage in the abstract but also their (private) love for each other.
Also, "yes, we are really excited!" is an awesome non-answer for any intrusive question you don't feel like engaging with!
posted by *s at 10:36 AM on July 25, 2017
I am not trying to call you specifically out for this, but there is a definite "anti-wedding" backlash that is IMO just as annoying as the Wedding Industrial Complex. That is, it's fine if you are not into ten-month beauty regimens, but if one finds them annoying then it's just as annoying to be The Person Against All The Things. I did not set out to buy a dress from David's Bridal, but I did and that doesn't make me a sheeple. Sometimes you may find that the industrial complex makes some things much easier (in my case, I saved hours of online shopping and second guessing by just buying a dress I tried on and liked at DB). You don't have to agonize over whether your guests feel like they're "at a wedding". They are!! If you pick a more traditional venue, I am sure you will make it unique in other ways.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, there is a happy medium between "dead-eyed bridal magazine disciple" and "stubbornly refusing to take part in any traditional weddingy route", and you may make yourself just as miserable trying to do the second. It's very easy to feel like it has to be one or the other.
As to your actual question... I found it useful to skim a lot of sources, including the more traditional Knot-type wedding planning sites, to get an idea of the general consensus. For example, it was good to see that every kind of site generally recommends that you get a general number of guests nailed down first, as this will directly affect your venues and budget. The more you read, the more you will get a feel for the things you think are most important.
Binge reading the weddingbee boards is fun too. Lots of people doing different budgets and styles, so you can get a good consensus.
posted by nakedmolerats at 10:53 AM on July 25, 2017 [5 favorites]
I guess what I'm trying to say is, there is a happy medium between "dead-eyed bridal magazine disciple" and "stubbornly refusing to take part in any traditional weddingy route", and you may make yourself just as miserable trying to do the second. It's very easy to feel like it has to be one or the other.
As to your actual question... I found it useful to skim a lot of sources, including the more traditional Knot-type wedding planning sites, to get an idea of the general consensus. For example, it was good to see that every kind of site generally recommends that you get a general number of guests nailed down first, as this will directly affect your venues and budget. The more you read, the more you will get a feel for the things you think are most important.
Binge reading the weddingbee boards is fun too. Lots of people doing different budgets and styles, so you can get a good consensus.
posted by nakedmolerats at 10:53 AM on July 25, 2017 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Good suggestions above, including hiring a planner or finding a venue you like and following their suggestions. When we were planning our wedding, I found the book How to Have the Wedding You Want (Not the One Everybody Else Wants You to Have) very helpful.
posted by Lexica at 11:06 AM on July 25, 2017
posted by Lexica at 11:06 AM on July 25, 2017
You can have whatever kind of wedding you want. It all counts. Want bridesmaids? Go get them. Don't? Don't. Want a priest/rabbit to officiate? Your best friend? Look, it all works. Want a poofy wedding dress? Get one. Don't? Don't. You don't have to get a special wedding hairdo if you don't want to, but if you think it would look great then do it.
I know people who got married barefoot (not planned. Her shoes hurt) and good friends of mine had a steam-punk themed wedding and other people got married in a park officiated by the bride's brother and another couple who got married at an aquarium (still trying to figure that one out) and I've been to small weddings and big ones and massive ones. I've been to a wedding where both a Buddhist minister and a Catholic priest officiated at the same time. I was at another one where the bride and groom had negotiated the officiating priest down to three mentions of the word "God". Make 'em count. All of them were super special to the people getting married and pleasant enough for me as a guest.
You don't have to do stuff just because every magazine says you do, but you don't have to not do it just because everyone else does, too.
My wife and I planned our wedding in four months. Figure out what you care about and what you don't care about. Figure out the rough number of guests first and get a venue nailed down. Everything else revolves around those points.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:08 AM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
I know people who got married barefoot (not planned. Her shoes hurt) and good friends of mine had a steam-punk themed wedding and other people got married in a park officiated by the bride's brother and another couple who got married at an aquarium (still trying to figure that one out) and I've been to small weddings and big ones and massive ones. I've been to a wedding where both a Buddhist minister and a Catholic priest officiated at the same time. I was at another one where the bride and groom had negotiated the officiating priest down to three mentions of the word "God". Make 'em count. All of them were super special to the people getting married and pleasant enough for me as a guest.
You don't have to do stuff just because every magazine says you do, but you don't have to not do it just because everyone else does, too.
My wife and I planned our wedding in four months. Figure out what you care about and what you don't care about. Figure out the rough number of guests first and get a venue nailed down. Everything else revolves around those points.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:08 AM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Congrats!
I got married last year. And… you sound very much like me. So much. I could have written this question a year and a half ago. Especially with the “I just want to have a fun party! Argghhhh leave me alone.” Hang in there—it’s gonna be a lot of fun!
First off, as other MeFites have mentioned, you don't have to have a "wedding." You probably already know that. But "having your wedding be literally whatever you want" can also be stressful. Paradox of choice!
But, assuming you want A Party That Is Also Like A Wedding, here are a few personal things that helped me:
+ Firstly, get off Pinterest. It’s a total black hole of dead links and cul-de-sacs. If you're lucky and can figure out exactly what freaking designer made that pretty light gray dress... there's a good chance it’s, like, $20,000 or out of stock. Most of the time it’ll lead you to more dumb blogs that don’t cite sources. I suppose it’s good for inspiration or whatnot, but… so is Google, dammit.
+ The WeddingWire app was initially helpful in assessing vendors and getting a sense of budgets. It can be overwhelming, no lie, but I found the reviews immensely helpful. But really, that leads me to…
+ Get a freaking Planner. (Unless you get an all-inclusive venue.) Once you do, get off the app and listen to your Planner. No, that doesn’t mean it’s out of your hands and they just do everything, while you’re shedding dollars. There are “month-of” and “day-of” Planners whose rates can be pretty reasonable. They won’t do things for you; rather they’ll send you in the right direction. (Like, tell you to go to a certain alcohol distributor because they take returns, or put you in touch with their caterer friend who won’t make you get spendy on the damn fancy pork sliders or passed canapés.)
They will give you the checklist and help you stay on track.
Side note: It is certifiably insane to expect ordinary people (cough, women, cough) with no Production experience to suddenly know how to throw a potentially complex, expensive, and emotionally charged event. People build entire careers on these skills. You’re not failing at weddings (or as a woman) if you pay a professional.
+ Pick three things to care about, with regards to the wedding. What truly, truly matters to you? That’s your Big Three. Ours was “people, music, booze.” That added up to “a huge, dance-y, loft cocktail party for everyone we’ve ever loved, with hearty hors d’ oeuvres rather than dinner, 0 decorations, an informal and silly ceremony in the middle, and pizza at midnight.”
My friend’s Big Three was “food, people, ceremony.” And that translated to “a very intimate wedding with an incredible dinner at 11 Madison, a baller dress and traditional ceremony, no dancing, no DJ.”
Yours might be “Venue, booze, people,” which could translate to “a gorgeously kitted-out Victorian house with craft cocktails, a mid-sized guest list, and a couple of food trucks out front,” or “state park with beer, a few friends, and potluck dishes” as someone mentioned above.
Everything outside the Big Three gets wayyyy less attention and money, within reason. If you or your partner get het up about inane details, y'all can always look up and say, "Is this part of the Big Three?" and chill.
+ People asking questions about your wedding are excited for you. (Ugh.) Yes, it can be insanely annoying, especially if you’re not the “wedding type.” But if you have your Big Three (see above), then you have something to talk about! Everything else you can shrug off. Opinions are a dime a dozen, brush ‘em off and redirect to your Big Three—which you actually will be excited about!
+ Proposal questions can be met with a funny story and deflection! Ours was, “We didn’t actually do the proposal so much as just decide together, and then we bought a ring the next week. And then we nearly passed out from excitement so we had to calm down in a Dunkin’ Donuts. And then he went pants shopping.” They’ll think you’re weird and that’s okay.
+ Don’t hate yourself for wanting something “wedding-y.” We threw out 95% of the usual traditions (“I will NOT be given away like property!”), but fuck if I didn’t fall in love with an Oscar de la Renta dress and wore it around like a goddamn princess. I will never wear a ball gown again, I surprisingly loved that dress, it was on mega sale... so why not?
Go easy on yourself and do whatever you think will be fun for you. It's not wedding complex vs. rebellion—it's all about what's fun for you.
+ No, your beauty doesn’t start 10 months early, unless you want it to. It doesn’t have to ever start, if you don’t want. Or you could start tomorrow. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
+ Your venue doesn’t have to be a “venue” or even look like a wedding. It can be your local bar, with a taco buffet.
+ Sit down and listen to this podcast with your partner. It was very illuminating—and made me feel a lot less crazy throughout the planning process.
Basically, all this to say pick what you care about and leave the rest. Ignore the annoying people. You can do literally whatever you want. And have fun! There will be a few fun things to plan—promise!
posted by functionequalsform at 11:18 AM on July 25, 2017 [7 favorites]
I got married last year. And… you sound very much like me. So much. I could have written this question a year and a half ago. Especially with the “I just want to have a fun party! Argghhhh leave me alone.” Hang in there—it’s gonna be a lot of fun!
First off, as other MeFites have mentioned, you don't have to have a "wedding." You probably already know that. But "having your wedding be literally whatever you want" can also be stressful. Paradox of choice!
But, assuming you want A Party That Is Also Like A Wedding, here are a few personal things that helped me:
+ Firstly, get off Pinterest. It’s a total black hole of dead links and cul-de-sacs. If you're lucky and can figure out exactly what freaking designer made that pretty light gray dress... there's a good chance it’s, like, $20,000 or out of stock. Most of the time it’ll lead you to more dumb blogs that don’t cite sources. I suppose it’s good for inspiration or whatnot, but… so is Google, dammit.
+ The WeddingWire app was initially helpful in assessing vendors and getting a sense of budgets. It can be overwhelming, no lie, but I found the reviews immensely helpful. But really, that leads me to…
+ Get a freaking Planner. (Unless you get an all-inclusive venue.) Once you do, get off the app and listen to your Planner. No, that doesn’t mean it’s out of your hands and they just do everything, while you’re shedding dollars. There are “month-of” and “day-of” Planners whose rates can be pretty reasonable. They won’t do things for you; rather they’ll send you in the right direction. (Like, tell you to go to a certain alcohol distributor because they take returns, or put you in touch with their caterer friend who won’t make you get spendy on the damn fancy pork sliders or passed canapés.)
They will give you the checklist and help you stay on track.
Side note: It is certifiably insane to expect ordinary people (cough, women, cough) with no Production experience to suddenly know how to throw a potentially complex, expensive, and emotionally charged event. People build entire careers on these skills. You’re not failing at weddings (or as a woman) if you pay a professional.
+ Pick three things to care about, with regards to the wedding. What truly, truly matters to you? That’s your Big Three. Ours was “people, music, booze.” That added up to “a huge, dance-y, loft cocktail party for everyone we’ve ever loved, with hearty hors d’ oeuvres rather than dinner, 0 decorations, an informal and silly ceremony in the middle, and pizza at midnight.”
My friend’s Big Three was “food, people, ceremony.” And that translated to “a very intimate wedding with an incredible dinner at 11 Madison, a baller dress and traditional ceremony, no dancing, no DJ.”
Yours might be “Venue, booze, people,” which could translate to “a gorgeously kitted-out Victorian house with craft cocktails, a mid-sized guest list, and a couple of food trucks out front,” or “state park with beer, a few friends, and potluck dishes” as someone mentioned above.
Everything outside the Big Three gets wayyyy less attention and money, within reason. If you or your partner get het up about inane details, y'all can always look up and say, "Is this part of the Big Three?" and chill.
+ People asking questions about your wedding are excited for you. (Ugh.) Yes, it can be insanely annoying, especially if you’re not the “wedding type.” But if you have your Big Three (see above), then you have something to talk about! Everything else you can shrug off. Opinions are a dime a dozen, brush ‘em off and redirect to your Big Three—which you actually will be excited about!
+ Proposal questions can be met with a funny story and deflection! Ours was, “We didn’t actually do the proposal so much as just decide together, and then we bought a ring the next week. And then we nearly passed out from excitement so we had to calm down in a Dunkin’ Donuts. And then he went pants shopping.” They’ll think you’re weird and that’s okay.
+ Don’t hate yourself for wanting something “wedding-y.” We threw out 95% of the usual traditions (“I will NOT be given away like property!”), but fuck if I didn’t fall in love with an Oscar de la Renta dress and wore it around like a goddamn princess. I will never wear a ball gown again, I surprisingly loved that dress, it was on mega sale... so why not?
Go easy on yourself and do whatever you think will be fun for you. It's not wedding complex vs. rebellion—it's all about what's fun for you.
+ No, your beauty doesn’t start 10 months early, unless you want it to. It doesn’t have to ever start, if you don’t want. Or you could start tomorrow. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
+ Your venue doesn’t have to be a “venue” or even look like a wedding. It can be your local bar, with a taco buffet.
+ Sit down and listen to this podcast with your partner. It was very illuminating—and made me feel a lot less crazy throughout the planning process.
Basically, all this to say pick what you care about and leave the rest. Ignore the annoying people. You can do literally whatever you want. And have fun! There will be a few fun things to plan—promise!
posted by functionequalsform at 11:18 AM on July 25, 2017 [7 favorites]
One other thought: you are in control of this. It is not in control of you.
posted by amtho at 11:59 AM on July 25, 2017
posted by amtho at 11:59 AM on July 25, 2017
Response by poster: I am not trying to call you specifically out for this, but there is a definite "anti-wedding" backlash that is IMO just as annoying as the Wedding Industrial Complex.
To clarify -- I am anti-none-of-this. My opposition is to the internal conflict and self-loathing I'm experiencing while trying to navigate this all.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 12:11 PM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
To clarify -- I am anti-none-of-this. My opposition is to the internal conflict and self-loathing I'm experiencing while trying to navigate this all.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 12:11 PM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
I went with Miss Manners' wedding guide, middling-formal low-fancy (she gives tables of standard options), partly because I didn't want to spend all the brainpower on it, we were organizing it while in an LDR, and I did want the whole extended family, multigenerational, flying in relatives to be comfortable at A Wedding. My sweetie and I do our self-expression every other day of our lives, but we took it as a party we were hosting so mostly Not About Us. And yet, I'm sure our personalities came through loudly.
It reminds me a little of the "French Woman Lifestyle can sell anything" post/articles; it is true that a shared etiquette and semantics makes a lot of decisions easier.
I did realize early on that I had to not look at anything wedding-planning-related. No magazines, not Pinterest, only the one short Miss Manners book (though A Practical Wedding looks great). ADA indoors venue easy for everyone to get to, good food, music that allowed dancing, an adequacy of champagne, some speeches, an officiant who knew each of us before we knew each other and whose ethics (and prose) we trusted. And still I came down with the second migraine of my life at the end of the reception. Argh.
What wigged me out was the contradictory demands of Briding, being both hostess and guest of honor. Visibly stage-managing a performance of naïveté. It's extra annoying because of the antifeminist history and interpretations, but I think it was the logical inconsistency that really broke me down. (Also the contradictory requests of ... so many people, but it didn't help that they literally said "You should do X because it's your special day." When I didn't want X. Oy. Ech, the sanctified consumerism of the romantic dyad!)
The legal safety of being married really is nice, though, and we are happy that marriage equality had already passed in our state.
posted by clew at 12:32 PM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
It reminds me a little of the "French Woman Lifestyle can sell anything" post/articles; it is true that a shared etiquette and semantics makes a lot of decisions easier.
I did realize early on that I had to not look at anything wedding-planning-related. No magazines, not Pinterest, only the one short Miss Manners book (though A Practical Wedding looks great). ADA indoors venue easy for everyone to get to, good food, music that allowed dancing, an adequacy of champagne, some speeches, an officiant who knew each of us before we knew each other and whose ethics (and prose) we trusted. And still I came down with the second migraine of my life at the end of the reception. Argh.
What wigged me out was the contradictory demands of Briding, being both hostess and guest of honor. Visibly stage-managing a performance of naïveté. It's extra annoying because of the antifeminist history and interpretations, but I think it was the logical inconsistency that really broke me down. (Also the contradictory requests of ... so many people, but it didn't help that they literally said "You should do X because it's your special day." When I didn't want X. Oy. Ech, the sanctified consumerism of the romantic dyad!)
The legal safety of being married really is nice, though, and we are happy that marriage equality had already passed in our state.
posted by clew at 12:32 PM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Nthing A Practical Wedding. Also, DIY is a complete scam when it comes to weddings. Find a venue that Does This and they will save you so much time, effort, MONEY and heartache. There are loads of charming, low-key venues out there that can basically take care of everything for you.
And, if you can afford it, a professional photographer is genuinely worth it. Mr Fish and I are notoriously camera shy, and they're basically the only nice pictures we have of ourselves.
posted by nerdfish at 12:41 PM on July 25, 2017
And, if you can afford it, a professional photographer is genuinely worth it. Mr Fish and I are notoriously camera shy, and they're basically the only nice pictures we have of ourselves.
posted by nerdfish at 12:41 PM on July 25, 2017
Were I in the same frame of mind as you, I'd just go to the local registrar office in plain clothes, get married and then host a house party at my place for friends afterwards. And of course, skip the engagement and don't look up wedding resources. Minimal cost.
Anything beyond that is precisely what the wedding-industrial complex is about, regardless of how original or non-traditional we like to think of ourselves.
posted by Kwadeng at 1:36 PM on July 25, 2017
Anything beyond that is precisely what the wedding-industrial complex is about, regardless of how original or non-traditional we like to think of ourselves.
posted by Kwadeng at 1:36 PM on July 25, 2017
Talk with your "stakeholders" (fiance, parents, closest friends) and find out what aspects of a wedding are most important; what one or two things do they need to have happen for them to feel complete. Focus on just those things.
For example, turns out that my (beloved) stepmom HAD to have wedding cake for it to be a real wedding. So we took her to a cake tasting and let her pretty much pick it and that was a wonderful thing to share instead of just one more agonizing detail.
Once you know what matters to the people who matter, you can dismiss all the other trappings (a word I do not use lightly in this context.) Only deal with garters and bouquets (flowers at all, really) and DJs and all that if their absence will make it less of a day for anyone.
Book recommendation: The Conscious Bride helped me wrap my brain around being both a bride and a thinking, feeling, educated, adult.
posted by AliceBlue at 1:54 PM on July 25, 2017
For example, turns out that my (beloved) stepmom HAD to have wedding cake for it to be a real wedding. So we took her to a cake tasting and let her pretty much pick it and that was a wonderful thing to share instead of just one more agonizing detail.
Once you know what matters to the people who matter, you can dismiss all the other trappings (a word I do not use lightly in this context.) Only deal with garters and bouquets (flowers at all, really) and DJs and all that if their absence will make it less of a day for anyone.
Book recommendation: The Conscious Bride helped me wrap my brain around being both a bride and a thinking, feeling, educated, adult.
posted by AliceBlue at 1:54 PM on July 25, 2017
getting engaged feels like an invitation for every single person to weigh in.
People who are interested in this part of your life are probably in a great mood about it. Love! Family! Party! Music! Pretty dresses! Deep commitment! Setting the course of your lives! This is ridiculous, but it's also a genuine focus of good will, which is incredibly rare and important.
You know what? Day to day life is sometimes boring af. Thinking about a wedding and a big party allows people to daydream. Your mom or your auntie or your best friend may send you a thousand links with pictures of wedding dresses or the perfect-linens-that-match-the-flowers-that-match-the bridesmaid's-shoes or whatever. Surely they're excited for you but they're also indulging their creativity a little while entertaining themselves. Feel free to just say "thank you" and not engage further with their suggestions, unless you have specifically requested that they find you a wedding dress or linens or flowers or whatever. If it really gets out of hand you can say "I'm only doing wedding stuff on Saturdays so I'm not going to address your thousand emails during the work week" or whatever limits feel appropriate. But otherwise, I agree that people sometimes go overboard in their excitement but that it's almost always meant with the very best of intentions.
posted by vignettist at 4:12 PM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
People who are interested in this part of your life are probably in a great mood about it. Love! Family! Party! Music! Pretty dresses! Deep commitment! Setting the course of your lives! This is ridiculous, but it's also a genuine focus of good will, which is incredibly rare and important.
You know what? Day to day life is sometimes boring af. Thinking about a wedding and a big party allows people to daydream. Your mom or your auntie or your best friend may send you a thousand links with pictures of wedding dresses or the perfect-linens-that-match-the-flowers-that-match-the bridesmaid's-shoes or whatever. Surely they're excited for you but they're also indulging their creativity a little while entertaining themselves. Feel free to just say "thank you" and not engage further with their suggestions, unless you have specifically requested that they find you a wedding dress or linens or flowers or whatever. If it really gets out of hand you can say "I'm only doing wedding stuff on Saturdays so I'm not going to address your thousand emails during the work week" or whatever limits feel appropriate. But otherwise, I agree that people sometimes go overboard in their excitement but that it's almost always meant with the very best of intentions.
posted by vignettist at 4:12 PM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Oh my glorb. Wedding planning is atrocious. When I was getting married the entire process was so overwhelming and gave me all the feels. Like feelings I didn't know I had. "TOO BRIDE-Y!" and "NOT BRIDE-Y ENOUGH!" are actually feelings apparently and they take up so much headspace that it hurts. That added with my family inevitably feeling that they needed to have input on all parts of the process was enough to make me stressed out for months.
Some tips in no particular order...
-I found the checklist on theknot.com really handy as a general timeline. I didn't do everything on there and I never intended too, but there was so much to think about that it helped having a list of all the possible things to put it in perspective. Like I knew I wasn't going to plan a timeline for facials and fake tanning so I just ignored that box and felt better about my spare time. It also is pretty extensive in its week before/week of/day of section which gets helpful in the heat of the moment.
-If you want to narrow it down, you really just need to think about 1. Budget 2. Venue 3. Dress 4. Food. Budget is the most important because you and your partner have a wonderful life ahead of you that you probably want to have money for.
-Explore unusual sites for dresses. My wedding dress was less than $20 from wetseal and it looked DARN CLASSY in 90 degree weather. It's ok to look at a ton of dresses that you know you are not going to buy and instead just appreciate the dress online for its prettiness. It doesn't say something about how feminist you are, just about how you have an eye for good craftsmanship.
-As to how I wrapped my head around it. I don't think I really did. However, around two weeks before the actual wedding, I suddenly weirdly stopped stressing about stuff because I think my brain realized that by that point in the process there was limited stuff I could control and things were just going to happen the way they happened. I wish that mentality could have set in earlier.
TLDR The whole wedding process is an epic mess but getting married is great and keep trying to remember that really the wedding is just a chaotic beginning to lots of fun time with your spouse to be!
posted by donut_princess at 4:34 PM on July 25, 2017
Some tips in no particular order...
-I found the checklist on theknot.com really handy as a general timeline. I didn't do everything on there and I never intended too, but there was so much to think about that it helped having a list of all the possible things to put it in perspective. Like I knew I wasn't going to plan a timeline for facials and fake tanning so I just ignored that box and felt better about my spare time. It also is pretty extensive in its week before/week of/day of section which gets helpful in the heat of the moment.
-If you want to narrow it down, you really just need to think about 1. Budget 2. Venue 3. Dress 4. Food. Budget is the most important because you and your partner have a wonderful life ahead of you that you probably want to have money for.
-Explore unusual sites for dresses. My wedding dress was less than $20 from wetseal and it looked DARN CLASSY in 90 degree weather. It's ok to look at a ton of dresses that you know you are not going to buy and instead just appreciate the dress online for its prettiness. It doesn't say something about how feminist you are, just about how you have an eye for good craftsmanship.
-As to how I wrapped my head around it. I don't think I really did. However, around two weeks before the actual wedding, I suddenly weirdly stopped stressing about stuff because I think my brain realized that by that point in the process there was limited stuff I could control and things were just going to happen the way they happened. I wish that mentality could have set in earlier.
TLDR The whole wedding process is an epic mess but getting married is great and keep trying to remember that really the wedding is just a chaotic beginning to lots of fun time with your spouse to be!
posted by donut_princess at 4:34 PM on July 25, 2017
There really is a big wedding industry. There are tons of magazines and websites whose goal is to convince you to spend money. That's fine if you want to, but you don't have to spend a ton unless you choose to. You are the customer, it's your wedding and your money. Don't let anybody bully you.
There are 2 components: 1. A wedding, in which you and your beloved make legal and personal commitments to one another before your family, friends, and maybe religious officiant.
and
2. A reception, which is a party. It can be big, small, formal, casual, etc. You can wear fancy clothes or jeans. You can serve liquor or not. It's a party, there be food, but it can be a catered 12 course meal or potluck.
I got married once, and had a pretty dress, and he wore a nice suit. He and his brothers wore matching ties. My sisters decided they should have matching dresses, so they did. The readings and vows and music were important to us. We live in Maine, and I wanted to be married near the sea, and that happened.
Then we had an a big party. Friends did all the cooking and the seafood newburg was amazing. There was a lot of beer, wine, and boozy and not-boozy punch. There was recorded music and dancing and shenanigans. Lots of pretty lights and candles. Cake and champagne.
It was organized in 3 months. There were disasters - his Dad had an emergency appendectomy and was still in the hospital. Our families were involved so there was drama and demands and all that. Just stay focused on marrying your beloved, and ask people to help you have a nice party.
You'll be fine. Mazel tov.
posted by theora55 at 5:16 PM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
There are 2 components: 1. A wedding, in which you and your beloved make legal and personal commitments to one another before your family, friends, and maybe religious officiant.
and
2. A reception, which is a party. It can be big, small, formal, casual, etc. You can wear fancy clothes or jeans. You can serve liquor or not. It's a party, there be food, but it can be a catered 12 course meal or potluck.
I got married once, and had a pretty dress, and he wore a nice suit. He and his brothers wore matching ties. My sisters decided they should have matching dresses, so they did. The readings and vows and music were important to us. We live in Maine, and I wanted to be married near the sea, and that happened.
Then we had an a big party. Friends did all the cooking and the seafood newburg was amazing. There was a lot of beer, wine, and boozy and not-boozy punch. There was recorded music and dancing and shenanigans. Lots of pretty lights and candles. Cake and champagne.
It was organized in 3 months. There were disasters - his Dad had an emergency appendectomy and was still in the hospital. Our families were involved so there was drama and demands and all that. Just stay focused on marrying your beloved, and ask people to help you have a nice party.
You'll be fine. Mazel tov.
posted by theora55 at 5:16 PM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
A wedding is party you throw for your friends and family to mark the occasion of your marriage, so don't do things that aren't about "great party." On the other hand, everyone loves a party and the vast majority of people aren't picky about the form and structure of parties.
Nobody cares about the dress code.
As long as there's food, booze, music and places and times to talk with friends and family, no one cares how much you spent.
Some people are short on cash. If you can do your wedding in places that don't cost $1,000 for a plane ticket and $500 a night for a hotel room, god bless you.
Have bridesmaids. You have friends / sisters / cousins who REALLY want to do this, why deprive them.
Let people bring their kids and let single people bring dates. Within reason, the more the merrier.
If there are people who can't be counted on to behave, don't invite them. If they need to stay sober to behave, get someone to watch them, or don't invite them.
posted by MattD at 6:21 PM on July 25, 2017
Nobody cares about the dress code.
As long as there's food, booze, music and places and times to talk with friends and family, no one cares how much you spent.
Some people are short on cash. If you can do your wedding in places that don't cost $1,000 for a plane ticket and $500 a night for a hotel room, god bless you.
Have bridesmaids. You have friends / sisters / cousins who REALLY want to do this, why deprive them.
Let people bring their kids and let single people bring dates. Within reason, the more the merrier.
If there are people who can't be counted on to behave, don't invite them. If they need to stay sober to behave, get someone to watch them, or don't invite them.
posted by MattD at 6:21 PM on July 25, 2017
Nthing the recommendations to get a wedding planner. We told her a little about what sort of vibe we wanted and what we cared about, and she narrowed down our options and helped us focus on the things we cared about.
It might be counterintuitive, but because you are throwing a big party, having more of a traditional wedding at a space (restaurant, event space) where they do a lot of weddings and other parties will be easier.
This is very true and can be extended to wedding vendors and planning generally. I had similar feelings as you when I started planning our wedding, and what helped was realizing that not going the standard Wedding Industrial Complex route meant much more effort on my part for an outcome that would probably be worse. For the parts of the wedding you don't care about so much but can't eliminate, it's ok to just throw money at the problem and do the bog-standard thing. While A Practical Wedding was better than most other resources out there, a lot of the weddings they gush over are what they call "Do It Together", where the family and friends of the bride and groom pitch in to help with providing the venue or making the food or sewing the dress etc. Which is great if you have family and friends with those skills, but a lot of people don't, which means you're going to hire someone. And most likely it'll be someone who's done it before, which means someone who works in the wedding business, because few people throw large parties beyond weddings. It doesn't mean you're being hijacked by the WIC if you decide to pay a professional, it just means you value your time and energy.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 8:50 PM on July 25, 2017
It might be counterintuitive, but because you are throwing a big party, having more of a traditional wedding at a space (restaurant, event space) where they do a lot of weddings and other parties will be easier.
This is very true and can be extended to wedding vendors and planning generally. I had similar feelings as you when I started planning our wedding, and what helped was realizing that not going the standard Wedding Industrial Complex route meant much more effort on my part for an outcome that would probably be worse. For the parts of the wedding you don't care about so much but can't eliminate, it's ok to just throw money at the problem and do the bog-standard thing. While A Practical Wedding was better than most other resources out there, a lot of the weddings they gush over are what they call "Do It Together", where the family and friends of the bride and groom pitch in to help with providing the venue or making the food or sewing the dress etc. Which is great if you have family and friends with those skills, but a lot of people don't, which means you're going to hire someone. And most likely it'll be someone who's done it before, which means someone who works in the wedding business, because few people throw large parties beyond weddings. It doesn't mean you're being hijacked by the WIC if you decide to pay a professional, it just means you value your time and energy.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 8:50 PM on July 25, 2017
Response by poster: Thank you for the advice and support. I ordered the Practical Wedding books, and will check out the other links, etc. In other news, I had a nightmare last night that I was tied down and someone was putting wedding makeup on me. A work in progress....
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 2:09 PM on July 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 2:09 PM on July 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
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On a personal note, I wrapped my head around it by focusing on the people. I tend to value hospitality, and our wedding was a way to host all our friends and family, so I put money on ways to make that happen (e.g. making it a weekend and subsidizing people's rooms. Food and drink. etc).
posted by quaking fajita at 8:19 AM on July 25, 2017 [10 favorites]