How to get over this ??
July 14, 2017 3:00 PM   Subscribe

I don't know what to do other than despair.... Relationship gone majority wrong if it can be called that??

Let me start at the beginning sorry this is so long...I meet a guy when I was out in India on holiday who I was attracted to. He is a family friend and I got his number when I was back in the Uk from my bro in law. I started talking and texting over the phone getting to know him. Things escalated quickly because he knew just the right things to say. Being extremely sweet and nice to me. He even started telling me he "loves me" and I believed him...things were good and he was too sweet. But bare in mind this was long distance and phone calls and texts only.

After 3 months of talking he told me a story about how he borrowed money from an uncle ( don't think it's a blood relative). He got this money to build a new house in India as his old house was beyond repair and him and his mum were desperate. Fast forward a few months now the uncle has asked for money back sooner than expected and he doesn't have the cash. Whilst he was telling me this story I felt bad for him and had empathy. So I told him I will give him some money. He sent over his bank details and I sent over £200 to him via bank transfer. Few weeks later things started going badly and I don't think he was treating me well. Issues steamed from the fact he was following random girls on Instagram and friends on Facebook. He admitted himself He didn't know who they were but was still liking their pics. This is the same as approaching a girl on the street and saying you like her to me. I found this highly disrespectful. We broke up as he saw nothing wrong in liking the random Girls pics. He said every guy looks and it's not a big thing. Even after I explained by liking the pics it upsets me.

We broke up about this disagreement and even called me strange to break up about this. I went back to him thinking I made a mistake. he said he needed time to think kept me hanging for 24 hours then said yea ok let's get back together.

After I went back to him- things were never the same. He never treated me nicely and sweet and sometimes his mood swings would affect the way he would speak to me. We argued and things ended this time for good from my point of view. I think Facebook/ instagram issues about liking the randomers pics all steam from this money issue. I think deep down it was wrong to give him that money. Because all the other problems followed this. When things did end I asked for my money back and set a deadline for him to return the money. At first he was arguing saying I broke up with him he never said he doesn't want to be with him. To avoid any further argument I just talked about my money saying "return it by the given date thanks " He started to ignore me and later I chased up my money again later on in the week. he told me he has been busy on jobs (driving to Mumbai airport) but will return the money back on Tuesday by western union. Tuesday came and went still no money and few days later I texted him to say "do the right thing and return the money. Don't make this anymore difficult just return the money or I will have to do something you don't want."(What I meant was I will tell my family in India about this). He sent me a text the next day to say "look you chased after me you got my number and secondly it was your choice to send me the money you did this because you wanted to".I was raging after I saw that. I got family members involved and they all communicated with him and only then did he return the money cash in hand to my brother in law.

I feel I have been majorly conned and it's difficult to deal with if I'm honest. I can't stop thinking about this issue. My mum told me this is culture in India towards money.

Im asking for advise about what to do in terms of dealing with this? Was I wrong to say anything about liking random girls pics on Facebook and instagram. I still feel this is wrong but to this day this is not a issue to him. Did I cause this break up? How can I learn from next time? This isn't a properly relationship in the sense where i saw him. I was literally in India for 2 weeks for a family wedding where he was my driver to and from the airport. But We had plans of me going back to India for him. this is affecting me emotionally? I seem to keep thinking about how it failed and thinking it's my fault. I feel foolish to be honest... please help? Thanks
posted by Reetz30 to Human Relations (13 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
This guy is an asshole, you didn't do anything wrong (other than be a victim of a scam, which, don't beat yourself up about). He was being an ass, then got defensive and victim-blamey when he was called out for it. Typical jerk behavior. (Personally I would have dropped the money issue just to never have to speak to him again , but what you did is 100% ok too!)

Don't let this scumbucket take up one more iota of your emotional energy. Be kind to yourself, call up a friend and tell them you need to be taken out. Go do something fun this weekend. Then, move on with your life.
posted by Fig at 3:08 PM on July 14, 2017 [27 favorites]

This is a lot, but bottom line is that you got scammed. That's very painful to go through, it's difficult to have your emotions manipulated in the process of being scammed. It's normal to feel foolish after falling for a scam.

It's not a break-up when the other person is using you. That's not a relationship. He created the illusion of one, to keep your attention and get your money.

What you do at this point is a) go no-contact b) wait. Every week that goes by without interacting with him, you will get a little more distance and perspective. Eventually you will get angry as hell, and you should, because you were treated badly.

In future real relationships and early dating stages with someone, if you don't like the way they behave you should break up with them. If it's not okay for you for them to be liking other girls pictures, don't put up with it. You don't get to make them stop, you only get to choose what's okay in your life and what isn't. (And "everyone does it" is weasel talk, because they know full well it's gross but they want to do it anyway, because it makes women feel bad. Walk away from men like that. Being alone would be better.)
posted by Lyn Never at 3:23 PM on July 14, 2017 [11 favorites]

You got conned. Congratulations on getting the money back! That is awesome. *internet clap*

You weren't in a relationship, there was no "break up." The guy never had intentions of being a boyfriend to you. Good for you for getting the money back and not losing any more time or resources to this.

In future do not give guys money. Just don't. Even in committed relationships it doesn't tend to go well. And certainly never ever do it at a stage earlier than that. The last thing you want is to give guys incentive to hang around/be in your business other than wanting to be with you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:40 PM on July 14, 2017 [21 favorites]

You got your money back? Celebrate!!

Seriously, you are amazing. Wow. Please be gentle on yourself because these things happen, and it's hard to predict until it is too late. If you don't need the money, maybe donate it to a women's shelter? But seriously, you are amazing! I hope you can feel all of your feels then move on. Life is not always ideal, but wow did you handle this well!
posted by jbenben at 4:06 PM on July 14, 2017 [6 favorites]

As far as I can tell, your biggest mistake in in beating yourself up over all of this. Yes, he was a jerk and you got scammed a little, but you got the money back and it sounds like it was all over pretty quickly, so hooray! Stick around here and you'll find people who stuck with loser ass-hats for years.

I know where you are coming from, I think. You probably had all these ideas in your heard about where this could go and when things broke up is was the end of not just the reality (no loss, really. There wasn't that much going on) but this huge fantasy future you had built up. But you didn't lose any of that. You lost three months of your time. Your fantasy future is still out there, just with some other dude and at a more nebulous time in the future.

Oh, and don't lend people money unless you are cool with not getting it back.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 4:45 PM on July 14, 2017 [5 favorites]

I am incredibly impressed that you got your money back. This kind of thing has happened to so many women that I know (including me) and most of us never see a penny. In my case, I got scammed into paying an ex's share of a huge restaurant bill and, even though it was a small price for the lesson I learned, it still burns me enough that I have never been able to enjoy the place again.

The bottom line is that if you are an open, trusting person, every so often you will run across a user with a hidden agenda who does not want the positive things you want. You're not wrong to give such people a chance, they are wrong not to meet your trust with honesty and integrity. In this case, you triumphed, and stopped a jerk in his tracks and outed him to his friends and family. Be proud!

And, in general, I agree with the advice above not to lend people, especially anyone you are dating, money. It creates complications that can muddy all the other waters. You don't need that.
posted by rpfields at 4:49 PM on July 14, 2017 [7 favorites]

When someone presents two selves to you, it can be difficult to let go of the false self you believed in. I imagine in addition to the loss you are feeling some self doubt to have had your faith in your own perceptions so badly shaken. It might make you feel better to read this story from the New Yorker about a well educated man, a psychotherapist in fact (who one would assume had some insight into manipulative people), who threw much much more money to someone through the internet with way less initial emotional investment. The best of us can be conned.
posted by Waiting for Pierce Inverarity at 5:55 PM on July 14, 2017 [8 favorites]

This is a happy ending to a shitty story--you got rid of a shitty dude and got your money back. Thank your lucky stars and move on secure in the knowledge that you behaved honorably at all stages of the relationship!
posted by Joseph Gurl at 10:00 PM on July 14, 2017 [5 favorites]

The point isn't whether it is actually fine for someone to randomly like stranger's Instagram or Facebook pictures. The point is whether it is okay for you. There are very few hard and fast rules in relationships. Every single "rule" you can think of there will be a couple somewhere who don't have that rule in their relationship and are perfectly happy with their arrangements.

So you are not wrong to want him not liking posts and he is not wrong for doing it. Where he IS wrong is where he continued to do it after you told him it made you uncomfortable and unhappy. In ignoring your preference he disrespected you.

But I would agree with everyone else that he disrespected you because he was not in a relationship with you. He was stringing you along with dishonourable intentions from the start.

You will learn from this but don't feel you're a bad person who wrecked a relationship. You're a kind but previously slightly more naive person who met with a scammer. Older and wiser than you have had this happen and lost tens or hundreds of thousands of pounds.

I cannot believe you got your money back. In the hundreds of stories like this I've heard and read you are maybe the 3rd who achieved that! Kudos.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 2:07 AM on July 15, 2017 [3 favorites]

You sound young and way too hard on yourself. People get conned in all sorts of ways, and not always in monetary terms. Almost everyone has wasted time, energy and resources on someone who was just using them for an ego boost, validation or, in this case, material gain. You're a kind, compassionate person and it's sad that we live in a world where that is punished instead of being rewarded. So, just to echo the comments above: this guy was a grade A asshole who mistreated and swindled you. You dodged a bullet, wised up impressively fast and took all the smart steps to get your money back. You are nobody's fool any more and you should congratulate yourself.

Regarding the feeling of regret about speaking up: please internalise the fact that you have every right to set terms in any relationship with another person. They may not agree to your terms or it may require negotiation, but it's always, ALWAYS correct to ask for what you want and leave if you don't get it. I think the issue is often that we don't know FOR SURE if we're being reasonable in our expectations and worry that we'll drive away the other person. This pressure is particularly strong on women: to somehow "keep" a man by not asking for much. What I have learnt over the years is that the right person will have a conversation with you about the matter and listen to your "illogical" or "emotional" responses to their behaviour, try to understand where you're coming from and if they don't agree, put in the effort to explain their side to you. A good partnership is always about finding a common solution.

I also just want to add, with due respect to your mother, that this attitude towards money isn't an "Indian" thing. This kind of shit isn't normal or acceptable in India. This is a universal con artist thing.
Thank your stars and be nice to yourself!
posted by norwegianleather at 7:40 AM on July 15, 2017 [4 favorites]

It's normal to have difficult feelings when a relationship ends. Even more so when you discover that someone you care about has been using you. If you've been misled and used, you may wonder how you missed the signs, and if you'll miss them again in the future. (I say this as someone who's been misled in other ways).

To me the red flag was when he asked you for money. That's the sort of thing he should have asked close friends or relatives or have gone to the bank for. I can't imagine asking for a loan from someone I'd been dating for 3 months. In future if someone asks you for money, just say no. If they get mad and break up, that tells you all you needed to know.

It's quite impressive that you got your money back.

How to learn from this ... well, you've documented several red flags, and I think you kind of already know what they were because you laid them out so clearly:
- He asked you for money after 3 months of dating
- He didn't return the money promptly or offer you his own plan for returning it, you had to set a deadline and follow-up. Even if it wasn't a con that's not how a responsible adult behaves when they borrow money.
- The relationship was conducted online/phone with minimal face-to-face time
- He said he loved you too soon. This is not always a sign of manipulation, but it often is.

And yeah, the con artist thing is definitely not an "Indian" thing. It's a human thing - amongst humans with shitty ethics.

If this is still bothering you in a few weeks, consider seeing a therapist. There's a lot to sort out here - trusting yourself, trusting others, negotiating relationships.

Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 9:53 AM on July 15, 2017 [3 favorites]

Thanks to you all for taking the time out and responding. Much appreciated. All the guidance provided is truly helpful... given me some gems and hit the nail on the head. Will slowly keep moving forward without wasting any more time on him. Thanks all!!
posted by Reetz30 at 3:25 AM on July 16, 2017

>He sent over his bank details and I sent over £200 to him via bank transfer.

This is a classic scam.
posted by GiveUpNed at 5:43 PM on July 17, 2017 [1 favorite]

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