How to tell him i know hes cheating
July 9, 2017 10:54 PM Subscribe
I know my boyfriend of 9 years is cheating on me. I know who with. I love him with eberything i am and im so angry and hurt that he would do this to me. I am trying to get proof of this or catch them but its hard as i am working when i know it is happening and cant leave work to catch them. So my question is how do i confront him about it when i am VERY non confrontational and he is pretty quick to anger.
First, a quick question - you say you are trying to get proof but you don't have it, have you considered that he's not cheating? Without proof, how do you know? Ok, that said, assuming you do actually know (and just haven't told us) and are merely looking for physical evidence you can wave in his face, why bother really? I mean, you know, he knows, you don't actually need a photo or someone to corroborate.
If he is in fact quick to anger, I wouldn't confront him. I'd just block him on everything and never talk to him again. (Assuming you don't live together which is an added complication.) Not being able to get angry or explain himself or have the last word will kill him. Dead silence and move on to a better life. You confronting him says that you still care. You moving on with nary a word is far more hurtful.
posted by Jubey at 11:03 PM on July 9, 2017
If he is in fact quick to anger, I wouldn't confront him. I'd just block him on everything and never talk to him again. (Assuming you don't live together which is an added complication.) Not being able to get angry or explain himself or have the last word will kill him. Dead silence and move on to a better life. You confronting him says that you still care. You moving on with nary a word is far more hurtful.
posted by Jubey at 11:03 PM on July 9, 2017
Response by poster: My goal is to ideally give him a choice. Stay with me and cut off all contact with her or move out and we are over.
I know that she is coming over while i am out working. But he lies and gives lame excuses for all the things i point out that are out of place or extra coffee cups that she has used on past occasions.
I am working on putting in a camera at home to prove it. I cant get hold of his phone so cant check that either.
posted by RedCharlie at 11:28 PM on July 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
I know that she is coming over while i am out working. But he lies and gives lame excuses for all the things i point out that are out of place or extra coffee cups that she has used on past occasions.
I am working on putting in a camera at home to prove it. I cant get hold of his phone so cant check that either.
posted by RedCharlie at 11:28 PM on July 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
You are working to install a spy cam in your home and snoop in his phone. Face it, you are over. Even if your ideal scenario comes to fruition and he "chooses" you over her (or just as likely chooses to not have to find another place to live and chooses to move the affair to a location outside of your surveillance), the trust in your relationship is damaged beyond repair.
My strategic advice is to start getting your mind around how you are going to end this relationship as simply and as safely as possible.
posted by glonous keming at 11:46 PM on July 9, 2017 [132 favorites]
My strategic advice is to start getting your mind around how you are going to end this relationship as simply and as safely as possible.
posted by glonous keming at 11:46 PM on July 9, 2017 [132 favorites]
Seriously, it's over. Walk away
posted by dmt at 11:55 PM on July 9, 2017 [21 favorites]
posted by dmt at 11:55 PM on July 9, 2017 [21 favorites]
If the you of ten years ago asked your advice about dating this man, would she be really in a hurry to go out with him if you told her about the man he is today? If your best friend asked about a guy like this, would you tell her that she just has to tough it out? The alternatives here are all really hard, but you're capable of getting through this. Every additional day of your life you give to this man is a day where he is still a liar and unworthy of your trust. And every day you give to him is a day you could be rebuilding. Tell yourself the things you would tell anybody else you loved who was involved with a known and unrepentant liar.
posted by Sequence at 12:10 AM on July 10, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by Sequence at 12:10 AM on July 10, 2017 [6 favorites]
there's no point in catching him, you know, he knows, he knows you know, just dump him and move out and move on with your life and find someone to date who doesn't do this to you. i know you spent a lot of years with this man and you want to give him a final chance to choose you and do the right thing but his actions show that will never happen. even if he "chose" you, how would you ever trust him again? move out and cut off contact with him. if he's quick to anger move out when he's not home so you don't provoke something unexpected.
posted by zdravo at 12:13 AM on July 10, 2017 [16 favorites]
posted by zdravo at 12:13 AM on July 10, 2017 [16 favorites]
You can't fix this: it's broken. The damage has been done long ago, and confronting him will not undo it, no matter how he responds. It will not make him someone who is not a cheater. It may just make him a better cheater.
He is not worthy of your love. You deserve better than this. Go.
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:43 AM on July 10, 2017 [6 favorites]
He is not worthy of your love. You deserve better than this. Go.
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:43 AM on July 10, 2017 [6 favorites]
Anything you are fond of should probably very subtley go live somewhere else. Your Sister may need your Greargrandfater's antique astrolabe for an artcle on local sailing families. Jewelry should be kept elsewhere. Depending on how intertwined your finances are it may be wise to consult a lawyer before you do anything.
posted by BoscosMom at 1:44 AM on July 10, 2017 [16 favorites]
posted by BoscosMom at 1:44 AM on July 10, 2017 [16 favorites]
Huh? What do you need video proof for? An ugly confrontation? So you can have actual images of him cheating on you that you can't unsee? And why would you give him a choice? He already made his choice and it's not you.
Dude, you most definitely DO NOT need to be recording this or dragging this out.
Since he is quick to anger, pack your shit and get out. Leave him a note then block him everywhere. If that's not possible, you need to have someone with you when you tell him HE needs to get out.
im so angry and hurt that he would do this to me
reframe your thinking--he's not doing this TO you; he's doing this FOR himself, without any regard for you.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:46 AM on July 10, 2017 [22 favorites]
Dude, you most definitely DO NOT need to be recording this or dragging this out.
Since he is quick to anger, pack your shit and get out. Leave him a note then block him everywhere. If that's not possible, you need to have someone with you when you tell him HE needs to get out.
im so angry and hurt that he would do this to me
reframe your thinking--he's not doing this TO you; he's doing this FOR himself, without any regard for you.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:46 AM on July 10, 2017 [22 favorites]
He's already had the choice of being committed to you and he chose not to be. I don't really see that you catching him cheating changes anything regarding that choice. Presumably you both promised to be faithful to each other and he decided he'd rather not be and then chose to lie to you about it. You telling him you know won't suddenly make him a faithful, committed boyfriend, even if he does tell you he'll stop seeing her.
If you do confront him about it, he will lie. You've already asked him questions and he's lied. Even if you present him with proof, he will still lie. He will give you as little information as possible and stick to his lies until you prove them wrong. You won't be able to prove all of them wrong, so you will never know exactly what he's done or is doing. You do know that you can't trust him, though, so confronting him with evidence of cheating isn't going to bring about the result you want.
Also, you shouldn't have to have proof in order for either of you to think that you deserve the truth and that he can get away with lying just because you can't prove otherwise. Proof is not going to change how he is treating you or the nature of your relationship.
posted by Polychrome at 3:48 AM on July 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
If you do confront him about it, he will lie. You've already asked him questions and he's lied. Even if you present him with proof, he will still lie. He will give you as little information as possible and stick to his lies until you prove them wrong. You won't be able to prove all of them wrong, so you will never know exactly what he's done or is doing. You do know that you can't trust him, though, so confronting him with evidence of cheating isn't going to bring about the result you want.
Also, you shouldn't have to have proof in order for either of you to think that you deserve the truth and that he can get away with lying just because you can't prove otherwise. Proof is not going to change how he is treating you or the nature of your relationship.
posted by Polychrome at 3:48 AM on July 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
I feel like it must be very hard for you to read these replies saying it's over, when you're feeling your anger and hurt so much, when all you want is proof, vindication, an apology, your ultimatum accepted, and your relationship to go on as it was before.
But the truth is, that can never happen. Your relationship will never be entirely the same, and on top of that he may not apologise or accept your ultimatum, he may even continue to outright lie even if you have proof.
To try and shift your thought process here, try to imagine your future self in, say, two years' time. You're either living on your own in a home that is yours alone and free of the hurt and betrayal you feel now, OR, you're in relationship counselling with your boyfriend and working towards healing and rebuilding of trust.
That future you, would she look back and feel glad that you spent so much of your time and energy trying to get proof? Or would she want to sit you down, hug you, say "I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it's time to be brave and move forward"?
I wish you all the strength in the world, and I hope you can take a deep breath, and move forward - slowly, carefully, and with legal advice if you can - but move forward.
posted by greenish at 3:52 AM on July 10, 2017 [32 favorites]
But the truth is, that can never happen. Your relationship will never be entirely the same, and on top of that he may not apologise or accept your ultimatum, he may even continue to outright lie even if you have proof.
To try and shift your thought process here, try to imagine your future self in, say, two years' time. You're either living on your own in a home that is yours alone and free of the hurt and betrayal you feel now, OR, you're in relationship counselling with your boyfriend and working towards healing and rebuilding of trust.
That future you, would she look back and feel glad that you spent so much of your time and energy trying to get proof? Or would she want to sit you down, hug you, say "I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it's time to be brave and move forward"?
I wish you all the strength in the world, and I hope you can take a deep breath, and move forward - slowly, carefully, and with legal advice if you can - but move forward.
posted by greenish at 3:52 AM on July 10, 2017 [32 favorites]
Huh. A friend went through something similar. She had evidence, receipts for gifts and restaurants, which he gaslighted her on. Finally confronted with inarguable proof (a photograph). He responded, angrily, "You've been snooping behind my back? SEE? You said you loved me. Love means trust! You never trusted me, never really loved me, and I knew it and that's why you MADE me have the affair!" Then my friend wasted another two years on this failed relationship, trying to figure out how she'd failed this man, trying not to fail him again, while he continued his serial adultery.
If he has anger issues, putting video equipment around could endanger you if he finds it. I suggest that you listen to the folks posting above, and ask yourself some hard questions. Nine years is a long time. But a lifetime of distrust is a lot longer.
posted by Nancy_LockIsLit_Palmer at 4:17 AM on July 10, 2017 [22 favorites]
If he has anger issues, putting video equipment around could endanger you if he finds it. I suggest that you listen to the folks posting above, and ask yourself some hard questions. Nine years is a long time. But a lifetime of distrust is a lot longer.
posted by Nancy_LockIsLit_Palmer at 4:17 AM on July 10, 2017 [22 favorites]
Best answer: So my question is how do i confront him about it when i am VERY non confrontational and he is pretty quick to anger.
You don't.
If you look at my history, it's been a long time since i've sat down and written a reply to an ask. But this one stuck out to me, because the premise here is wrong. Hear me out.
I see what you're trying to accomplish here, and i see the "gotcha" you're trying to catch him in and how cathartic it seems like it would feel. But it wont, and it's just going to create a Big Fight that you yourself admit you're ill equipped to deal with. This is like the platonic ideal of a situation that someone with anger issues would punch holes in the wall over, or worse.
If you already know what he's up to, and you've gone far enough down the road that you're considering filming him to catch him, then as others have said this is already cooked.
The real question is something along the lines of "how do i end this with minimal confrontation and drama, prioritizing my own safety and sanity". And well... i'm not exactly sure, but that's the battle plan you should be drawing up in your head. Not "how do i catch him red handed and call him on it with a video". Because to me that sounds like something between a big awful nasty fight and potential domestic violence.
Another thing to consider, as someone who has both rebuilt from Bad points in relationships and watched friends rebuild from this scenario or worse... If you really stare at this situation and where you've gotten here... Is it worth the huge amount of time, effort, and emotional energy it would take to rebuild from this point? What would that look like? Do you think he'd be willing to put in his fair share, and actually Do The Work?
Because i'm betting the answer is no.
posted by emptythought at 4:24 AM on July 10, 2017 [46 favorites]
You don't.
If you look at my history, it's been a long time since i've sat down and written a reply to an ask. But this one stuck out to me, because the premise here is wrong. Hear me out.
I see what you're trying to accomplish here, and i see the "gotcha" you're trying to catch him in and how cathartic it seems like it would feel. But it wont, and it's just going to create a Big Fight that you yourself admit you're ill equipped to deal with. This is like the platonic ideal of a situation that someone with anger issues would punch holes in the wall over, or worse.
If you already know what he's up to, and you've gone far enough down the road that you're considering filming him to catch him, then as others have said this is already cooked.
The real question is something along the lines of "how do i end this with minimal confrontation and drama, prioritizing my own safety and sanity". And well... i'm not exactly sure, but that's the battle plan you should be drawing up in your head. Not "how do i catch him red handed and call him on it with a video". Because to me that sounds like something between a big awful nasty fight and potential domestic violence.
Another thing to consider, as someone who has both rebuilt from Bad points in relationships and watched friends rebuild from this scenario or worse... If you really stare at this situation and where you've gotten here... Is it worth the huge amount of time, effort, and emotional energy it would take to rebuild from this point? What would that look like? Do you think he'd be willing to put in his fair share, and actually Do The Work?
Because i'm betting the answer is no.
posted by emptythought at 4:24 AM on July 10, 2017 [46 favorites]
Response by poster: Thsnks everyone for your answers. Yes emptythought is right. My question is sbout how do i end this and i dont know. Yes i love him still and yes i still wonder what the hell i did wrong to cause this. But i have been thinking a lot about extricating myself from this situation. It is my home. He moved in with me. In order to end this it will have to be a fight and i just dont know how. If it was his home and i moved in then i would just pack my things and be gone when he got home from work. As it is i just dont know how. Maybe seeing a lawyer first is a good idea.
posted by RedCharlie at 4:42 AM on July 10, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by RedCharlie at 4:42 AM on July 10, 2017 [6 favorites]
"he lies and gives lame excuses for all the things i point out that are out of place or extra coffee cups that she has used on past occasions.
You have already confronted him. If he were honest with you, or honestly cared about you enough to choose you over her, he wouldn't have responded to multiple attempts with lies and excuses. Catching him in an irrefutable way will just cause him to show more anger, and for what? So you can live with him and never quite trust him again, because the only way to get trustworthy behavior out of him is to give him no privacy? You'll still end up breaking up with him. He, on the other hand, clearly has no problems with using you while lying to you about other women. Of course he'll say he'll give it up. Does he work at all, that he's home while you're working? Or are you his rent and meal ticket as well?
You can't trust him. That's the bottom line.
posted by Mchelly at 4:47 AM on July 10, 2017
You have already confronted him. If he were honest with you, or honestly cared about you enough to choose you over her, he wouldn't have responded to multiple attempts with lies and excuses. Catching him in an irrefutable way will just cause him to show more anger, and for what? So you can live with him and never quite trust him again, because the only way to get trustworthy behavior out of him is to give him no privacy? You'll still end up breaking up with him. He, on the other hand, clearly has no problems with using you while lying to you about other women. Of course he'll say he'll give it up. Does he work at all, that he's home while you're working? Or are you his rent and meal ticket as well?
You can't trust him. That's the bottom line.
posted by Mchelly at 4:47 AM on July 10, 2017
Relationships can recover after infidelity if both partners are willing to do the necessary work. Given that he is quick to anger and you are confrontation adverse, I can't image that you two could pull out of this without counseling. If I were in your place and interested in trying to fix the relationship, I would simply tell him you are aware of the affair, that it must end immediately, and that he must go to couples counseling with you. And I would also start individual therapy. If he continues to deny and/or get angry when you raise the subject, end the conversation—and the relationship.
As others have said. No camera. You already know. You don't have to provide pictures to start addressing the issue. Plus, the last thing you all need is more sneaking around.
posted by she's not there at 5:01 AM on July 10, 2017
As others have said. No camera. You already know. You don't have to provide pictures to start addressing the issue. Plus, the last thing you all need is more sneaking around.
posted by she's not there at 5:01 AM on July 10, 2017
Response by poster: He does work a full time job as well. I just work weekends as well as part of my roster and he doesnt.
posted by RedCharlie at 5:37 AM on July 10, 2017
posted by RedCharlie at 5:37 AM on July 10, 2017
My goal is to ideally give him a choice. Stay with me and cut off all contact with her or move out and we are over.
I know that she is coming over while i am out working. But he lies and gives lame excuses
Right now he is telling you that he's not cheating, and you don't trust him. Even if you did have the proof and he promised that he chose you, would you believe him? Would that restore your faith in the relationship? What would give you confidence that it's really completely over and he's no longer in contact with her?
If there are no good answers to those questions, you could just tell him it's over and he needs to move out without having a confrontation over the cheating.
If you think this is salvageable, you could try couple's therapy.
Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 5:51 AM on July 10, 2017
I know that she is coming over while i am out working. But he lies and gives lame excuses
Right now he is telling you that he's not cheating, and you don't trust him. Even if you did have the proof and he promised that he chose you, would you believe him? Would that restore your faith in the relationship? What would give you confidence that it's really completely over and he's no longer in contact with her?
If there are no good answers to those questions, you could just tell him it's over and he needs to move out without having a confrontation over the cheating.
If you think this is salvageable, you could try couple's therapy.
Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 5:51 AM on July 10, 2017
"what the hell I did wrong to cause this"
Answer: absolutely nothing. Let me repeat that: YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. The person who chose to cheat and lie --- HIM --- that's the only one who did something wrong, not you.
How do you end this? Ask a friend to stay with you for a week or so, so that you have someone there when you tell this scumball to pack his junk and get out, plus for several days afterwards. (And change your door locks, too.) Don't worry about where he'll go or if he'll be okay: that's not your problem anymore --- but hey, here's an idea: he can move in with the woman he's been cheating on you with. Or he can sleep in the street, who gives a damn.
posted by easily confused at 5:54 AM on July 10, 2017 [11 favorites]
Answer: absolutely nothing. Let me repeat that: YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. The person who chose to cheat and lie --- HIM --- that's the only one who did something wrong, not you.
How do you end this? Ask a friend to stay with you for a week or so, so that you have someone there when you tell this scumball to pack his junk and get out, plus for several days afterwards. (And change your door locks, too.) Don't worry about where he'll go or if he'll be okay: that's not your problem anymore --- but hey, here's an idea: he can move in with the woman he's been cheating on you with. Or he can sleep in the street, who gives a damn.
posted by easily confused at 5:54 AM on July 10, 2017 [11 favorites]
I'm not going to deal with your emotional pain. Emotional pain is a cul de sac and will lead you nowhere. You need anger, and a plan.
Ok, he's in your house.
Do you have any friends to help you with this? In short order you need a team of people to pack his things up, take them to storage, and CHANGE the locks. This has to happen while he's at work.
Then you disappear for a week. Stay somewhere else in case he comes by. Take a week off work in case he goes there, or if you cant, notify security that he is not allowed in the building.
If he wants his stuff he knows where to find it, because your last text to him was about the storage locker.
He won't fight you on eviction, just holler a lot. He'll be too embarassed to do anything more constructive than complain.
This guy is a loser. He ll be more upset at being kicked out than you dumping him. Trust. He just wants the place to stay.
I have given this advice to other women at crisis points and they do not take it. They stay and it justs get worse. They spend a few more years with the guy and their self esteem just gets trampeled into garbage. The men will manipulate them with sex, but sex is meaningless to these men. It's not about affection. It's about status quo.
Good luck. And get angry, but do not share any of this with him. He is not a person, he is a problem you have to solve.
posted by charlielxxv at 6:42 AM on July 10, 2017 [5 favorites]
Ok, he's in your house.
Do you have any friends to help you with this? In short order you need a team of people to pack his things up, take them to storage, and CHANGE the locks. This has to happen while he's at work.
Then you disappear for a week. Stay somewhere else in case he comes by. Take a week off work in case he goes there, or if you cant, notify security that he is not allowed in the building.
If he wants his stuff he knows where to find it, because your last text to him was about the storage locker.
He won't fight you on eviction, just holler a lot. He'll be too embarassed to do anything more constructive than complain.
This guy is a loser. He ll be more upset at being kicked out than you dumping him. Trust. He just wants the place to stay.
I have given this advice to other women at crisis points and they do not take it. They stay and it justs get worse. They spend a few more years with the guy and their self esteem just gets trampeled into garbage. The men will manipulate them with sex, but sex is meaningless to these men. It's not about affection. It's about status quo.
Good luck. And get angry, but do not share any of this with him. He is not a person, he is a problem you have to solve.
posted by charlielxxv at 6:42 AM on July 10, 2017 [5 favorites]
The only answer here is to see a lawyer! You own the home, but he has some protections as a resident. You need advice because your ex-boyfriend is a liar and a cheat, he's not going to amicably move out just because you tell him you want to break up...
I rather suspect this is the real problem here on top of everything else - am I right? This person will not respect any of your needs, he does not deal honestly with you as a human being, he kinda bullies you. If you told him to move out, he would first try to sweet talk you, then bully you with anger and accusations, and by the end of all that you would be worn out and he would be staying. Then the cheating, again - wash, rinse, repeat.
Please talk to a lawyer and find out how to legally and SAFELY get this person to move out. You need someone on your side. I siggest you talk to a few lawyers until you find one you like. Get help breaking up with this guy, at this point he's emotionally abusive and using you. Protect yourself and show yourself love and care by getting out of this relationship. Plan mid-care and after-care for yourself as you begin this process - massage, therapy, meditation group, hiking, podcasts, trips to the beach, spa days - do it all! Pour all your strength into comforting yourself and processing your grief, let the lawyer kick the bum out.
posted by jbenben at 7:09 AM on July 10, 2017 [15 favorites]
I rather suspect this is the real problem here on top of everything else - am I right? This person will not respect any of your needs, he does not deal honestly with you as a human being, he kinda bullies you. If you told him to move out, he would first try to sweet talk you, then bully you with anger and accusations, and by the end of all that you would be worn out and he would be staying. Then the cheating, again - wash, rinse, repeat.
Please talk to a lawyer and find out how to legally and SAFELY get this person to move out. You need someone on your side. I siggest you talk to a few lawyers until you find one you like. Get help breaking up with this guy, at this point he's emotionally abusive and using you. Protect yourself and show yourself love and care by getting out of this relationship. Plan mid-care and after-care for yourself as you begin this process - massage, therapy, meditation group, hiking, podcasts, trips to the beach, spa days - do it all! Pour all your strength into comforting yourself and processing your grief, let the lawyer kick the bum out.
posted by jbenben at 7:09 AM on July 10, 2017 [15 favorites]
Definitely get some professional advice for the eviction. I would do this before you talk to him, and let the advice you get guide you on exactly how to do it.
A family or landlord's attorney will help you figure out how to evict him without falling afoul of whatever laws protect his rights as a tenant (which might impact, for instance, whether it is ok for you to change the locks without any notice, etc.)
In my jurisdiction local cops are available to supervise situations like this where people feel there is potential for violence among household members. They just come by as part of their daily beat or you can ask for a time.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:22 AM on July 10, 2017 [8 favorites]
A family or landlord's attorney will help you figure out how to evict him without falling afoul of whatever laws protect his rights as a tenant (which might impact, for instance, whether it is ok for you to change the locks without any notice, etc.)
In my jurisdiction local cops are available to supervise situations like this where people feel there is potential for violence among household members. They just come by as part of their daily beat or you can ask for a time.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:22 AM on July 10, 2017 [8 favorites]
My concern is the quick to anger. You obviously adjust your behavior to adapt to his anger. Ending a relationship, albeit one that is already dead, can be a dangerous time if he's at all inclined to violence. Get friends and family to help you if needed. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 7:23 AM on July 10, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 7:23 AM on July 10, 2017 [4 favorites]
OP, if you post your location, maybe someone else could post the phone number/website of a domestic abuse hotline in your state? Even if you don't feel like you're in an abusive relationship, that organization would know what the tenancy laws are in your area and what the process is for safely and legally getting someone evicted, what kind of lawyer you need to see, etc.
posted by oh yeah! at 7:49 AM on July 10, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by oh yeah! at 7:49 AM on July 10, 2017 [3 favorites]
If you're this afraid of him, I think you should reach out to a domestic violence org in your city/county (use a safe computer to google that) who will be able to help you with strategies and information on your rights as far as lease/occupancy.
I think you should have a plan and backup before you do anything.
You do not need to film him, and legally you probably shouldn't. This relationship has reached a point where you know what you need to know, you don't need to prove that you "deserve" to break up with him.
All you need is to not want to be with him anymore, and even though you are in the throes of dependence you still know he's not treating you right, and that is in fact enough reason to not want to be with someone.
He's already made his choice. You're grasping at that as if, when confronted with his cheating, he'll only then realize it was wrong. He knows already. He's fine with it. He's not even worried enough to clean up the coffee cups, that's how little he cares about you. You're not going to be telling him anything new, and he's not going to suddenly respect and care about you enough, having been given the newsflash that cheating is wrong, to undo that choice.
Get your plan put together with help from informed resources, and let them help you put together the procedure for telling him to get out.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:00 AM on July 10, 2017 [7 favorites]
I think you should have a plan and backup before you do anything.
You do not need to film him, and legally you probably shouldn't. This relationship has reached a point where you know what you need to know, you don't need to prove that you "deserve" to break up with him.
All you need is to not want to be with him anymore, and even though you are in the throes of dependence you still know he's not treating you right, and that is in fact enough reason to not want to be with someone.
He's already made his choice. You're grasping at that as if, when confronted with his cheating, he'll only then realize it was wrong. He knows already. He's fine with it. He's not even worried enough to clean up the coffee cups, that's how little he cares about you. You're not going to be telling him anything new, and he's not going to suddenly respect and care about you enough, having been given the newsflash that cheating is wrong, to undo that choice.
Get your plan put together with help from informed resources, and let them help you put together the procedure for telling him to get out.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:00 AM on July 10, 2017 [7 favorites]
Everyone else has given wonderful advice. Here's what I've got:
You can't choose who you love, but you can choose who you spend your time on.
This guy doesn't deserve your time. Be safe, get him out, and enjoy your life.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:50 AM on July 10, 2017 [3 favorites]
You can't choose who you love, but you can choose who you spend your time on.
This guy doesn't deserve your time. Be safe, get him out, and enjoy your life.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:50 AM on July 10, 2017 [3 favorites]
Things to do before you tell him you're breaking up with him:
Talk to a lawyer and figure out the legal way to evict him. Moving his stuff into storage, changing the locks, and then telling him he no longer lives there is probably an illegal eviction. You don't want to give him a leg to stand on here. A lawyer will help you figure out the best way to do this.
Move any really delicate or valuable stuff somewhere else for a little while--a friend's house or your family's.
Try talking to the police. Call the non-emergency line. If you're worried about a guy getting violent while you move your stuff out, sometimes the police will come and supervise the move so you don't get hurt, and they might do the same thing when it's the guy moving out.
If your finances are entangled, get them as untangled as possible. If your boyfriend knows any important logistical details (the phone number for your favorite plumber, the log-in info for the online bill-pay for the water, etc), get that info.
Talk to your friends and family (if you guys are close) about this. Tell them what's going on and what your worries are. You need some support here that isn't just strangers on the internet.
Once you've got all of these things sorted out, break up with him.
Whatever plan you arrive at for getting through this, do not under any circumstances agree to a deal where he stays in your place without you for the rest of the month while you go somewhere else. I've seen a couple of people do this, because it just seemed easier at the time than really pushing the guy out, and it has always ended really badly.
posted by colfax at 10:09 AM on July 10, 2017 [4 favorites]
Talk to a lawyer and figure out the legal way to evict him. Moving his stuff into storage, changing the locks, and then telling him he no longer lives there is probably an illegal eviction. You don't want to give him a leg to stand on here. A lawyer will help you figure out the best way to do this.
Move any really delicate or valuable stuff somewhere else for a little while--a friend's house or your family's.
Try talking to the police. Call the non-emergency line. If you're worried about a guy getting violent while you move your stuff out, sometimes the police will come and supervise the move so you don't get hurt, and they might do the same thing when it's the guy moving out.
If your finances are entangled, get them as untangled as possible. If your boyfriend knows any important logistical details (the phone number for your favorite plumber, the log-in info for the online bill-pay for the water, etc), get that info.
Talk to your friends and family (if you guys are close) about this. Tell them what's going on and what your worries are. You need some support here that isn't just strangers on the internet.
Once you've got all of these things sorted out, break up with him.
Whatever plan you arrive at for getting through this, do not under any circumstances agree to a deal where he stays in your place without you for the rest of the month while you go somewhere else. I've seen a couple of people do this, because it just seemed easier at the time than really pushing the guy out, and it has always ended really badly.
posted by colfax at 10:09 AM on July 10, 2017 [4 favorites]
I'm not saying anything that hasn't been said, but some of the worst things I've ever done, I did in service of trying to "catch" someone that I already knew was cheating. The pain of the cheating is loooong gone but I'll always have to live with the way I acted.
posted by ftm at 11:06 AM on July 10, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by ftm at 11:06 AM on July 10, 2017 [7 favorites]
It may be that having proof of his unfaithfulness will have an impact on your legal standing in terms of evicting him or separating from him. (If you have been together 9 years, he may be considered your common law spouse, depending on your jurisdiction.) This is a question for a lawyer. If you learn that having such evidence would be useful, gathering evidence of cheating is one of the more common tasks of a private investigator.
posted by layceepee at 12:51 PM on July 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by layceepee at 12:51 PM on July 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
Agreeing that it would be good to check the legal situation on residency but once that's sorted you can just tell him directly that it's over and that he needs to be the one to leave. I was once in your shoes and that's what I did. It wasn't easy, it didn't resolve things overnight and it took more strength and resolve than I'd realised I had - but it worked.
Do you have any friends or family who can be present when you ask him to move out? If so have them there, not to talk or argue or get in anyway involved, maybe not even in the same room, but clearly present. Then sit him down, calmly tell him the relationship is over and it would be best if he moved out.
Don't get drawn into a fight, don't allow him to drag it into he-said-she-said situations, don't rise to any threats. Tell him it's clearly not working out and it would be best if he found some temporary accommodation whilst you you work out together how best for him to fully move out. It would be good to have a bag packed that he can take, maybe even a suggestion if where to go, and an offer for your friend to drive or otherwise escort him out.
Once he's gone you can change the locks.
posted by freya_lamb at 3:00 PM on July 10, 2017
Do you have any friends or family who can be present when you ask him to move out? If so have them there, not to talk or argue or get in anyway involved, maybe not even in the same room, but clearly present. Then sit him down, calmly tell him the relationship is over and it would be best if he moved out.
Don't get drawn into a fight, don't allow him to drag it into he-said-she-said situations, don't rise to any threats. Tell him it's clearly not working out and it would be best if he found some temporary accommodation whilst you you work out together how best for him to fully move out. It would be good to have a bag packed that he can take, maybe even a suggestion if where to go, and an offer for your friend to drive or otherwise escort him out.
Once he's gone you can change the locks.
posted by freya_lamb at 3:00 PM on July 10, 2017
I understand that recording them might let you feel the anger you need to feel, and give you closure. If you feel you need to do this for your own sanity, I would do it, but never show him because nothing constructive will come of it.
On the other hand, if you feel it might increase your suffering then please don't, for your own sake.
I am so very sorry.
posted by kitcat at 4:33 PM on July 10, 2017
On the other hand, if you feel it might increase your suffering then please don't, for your own sake.
I am so very sorry.
posted by kitcat at 4:33 PM on July 10, 2017
Response by poster: I guess my thinking was that if i could catch them or have irrefutable proof then he couldnt lie his way out of it. As much as i would hate to walk in on that i think then a break up would have been easier since he cant deny it. I think the only wayit would work aprt from that is somehow having a very calm conversation with him and him agreeing to leave. A lot of our money is tied up together in joint loans and the like. I have been saving seperate money for both of us for a long time just due to his kids wanting money all the time etc but we do have joint money that will need to be worked out as well.
Oh hell. Im going to have to find a lawyer to talk to i guess.
posted by RedCharlie at 4:48 PM on July 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
Oh hell. Im going to have to find a lawyer to talk to i guess.
posted by RedCharlie at 4:48 PM on July 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
Your relationship is over. It's a matter of how long you feel like taking to admit it... and how much you want to harm yourself by denying it.
There's no point, really, in confronting him or trying to prove it. Just make your arrangements to leave, and go. Take the high road, leave the drama behind, and seek a better life.
Chances are you won't listen - though I promise, it'd be in your best interest in the long run if you did - but I wish you luck and future happiness, either way.
posted by stormyteal at 11:39 PM on July 10, 2017
There's no point, really, in confronting him or trying to prove it. Just make your arrangements to leave, and go. Take the high road, leave the drama behind, and seek a better life.
Chances are you won't listen - though I promise, it'd be in your best interest in the long run if you did - but I wish you luck and future happiness, either way.
posted by stormyteal at 11:39 PM on July 10, 2017
NO VIDEO CAMERA!
Re-write this scene;
You; "Here, sit down and watch this video."
Him; "What's it about?"
You; "Our relationship."
Him; "OK, I'll put some popcorn on."
Then ask yourself what does he break first.
posted by leafwoman at 10:46 AM on July 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
Re-write this scene;
You; "Here, sit down and watch this video."
Him; "What's it about?"
You; "Our relationship."
Him; "OK, I'll put some popcorn on."
Then ask yourself what does he break first.
posted by leafwoman at 10:46 AM on July 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
I guess my thinking was that if i could catch them or have irrefutable proof then he couldnt lie his way out of it.
I just want to reassure you that he would continue lying even if you walked in on the two of them in bed together naked. He would lie about whether they had ever done it before, how many times, what specific things they had done together, whether he cared about it, whether he would do it again, whether he had ever done it with another woman, whether he was still in touch with her, and eventually, if you kept pushing him, about whether you were a good romantic partner, the terrible things you did or said to make him cheat, and even whether you yourself have cheated on him. If you don't want to be in a relationship with a liar, you need to leave him, because you won't be able to change him.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 3:01 PM on July 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
I just want to reassure you that he would continue lying even if you walked in on the two of them in bed together naked. He would lie about whether they had ever done it before, how many times, what specific things they had done together, whether he cared about it, whether he would do it again, whether he had ever done it with another woman, whether he was still in touch with her, and eventually, if you kept pushing him, about whether you were a good romantic partner, the terrible things you did or said to make him cheat, and even whether you yourself have cheated on him. If you don't want to be in a relationship with a liar, you need to leave him, because you won't be able to change him.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 3:01 PM on July 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by brainmouse at 10:58 PM on July 9, 2017 [16 favorites]