How to support an unhappy mom, and control my own sadness for her?

July 8, 2017 6:13 AM

My mother is going through a tough time and is almost always unhappy nowadays. How can I support her and myself?

The tough time revolves around my father unexpectedly moving out and cutting off communication from her.  Two years ago, my parents moved to a different state in the middle of the country, which is far from my sister and me who live on opposite coasts. My mother is a very social person by nature but is terribly lonely because she hasn't made many new friends, a loneliness made more intense by the sudden confusing departure of my father. 

I live on my own too, and even though I'm an introvert by nature and am generally ok living on my own, I definitely understand the unease that can come with living alone without many friendships. It saddens me greatly to think about my mother coming home after work and being alone, spending her weekends alone and her general unhappiness right now. (She has made a few friends at work which is good, but she isn't especially close with them. She has also tried to participate in some social/community activities but nothing feels very genuine to her.)

She and my father never had a good marriage but they trudged on for almost 40 years.  One good sign is she is looking towards the future and specifically making plans for living apart from my father, including moving to a state where she had more of a social network. This would have been unthinkable to her a few years ago.  However she is stuck at the moment because my father's lack of communication is keeping her from getting some critical paperwork signed by him that would allow her to sell her apartment and move on. She has been pressuring me to contact him about this, perhaps I should but I'm a bit drained by their whole situation and reluctant to get involved.

I'm currently visiting her and my trip will be coming to an end soon. She sometimes looks at me tearfully because I'll be gone soon and keeps saying "thank you" for visiting.  When I leave it will be exceedingly sad.
I'm starting to consider moving to the state that she's planning to move to myself, not just for her but for me too.

Anyway. My questions are...how can I support my social mom from hundreds of miles aways, as she's struggling through this difficult lonely time? And how can I control my own worrying/sadness for her or at least do so constructively?  Hearing about personal experiences would be especially helpful.

posted by watrlily to Human Relations (12 answers total)

I live very far away from my mom too so I understand the worry. Although my mom still lives with my dad and she has friends/family within 2 hours' drive, I know she is still lonely and I worry about her and feel bad all the time for being far away. I keep in touch with my mom daily via Whatsapp, sending a picture of something she might like or sharing a story from my day. She tells me what she's been up to or how work was, and she has told me that chatting with her about daily, mundane things has made her feel like I am much closer. I try to Skype her once or twice a month if our schedules allow for it and I send her cards and small packages in the mail to brighten her week.

My mom has a volunteer job that she really enjoys because it involves socializing - maybe your mom could find a volunteer opportunity that will give her a chance to get out and meet more people?

Oops - hit post instead of preview. My half-finished thought was to say: supporting your mom to improve the parts of her life that she might not like will help to alleviate your worry and guilt, because you'll know you're doing what you can from where you are to help.
posted by gursky at 6:38 AM on July 8, 2017 [3 favorites]

"She has been pressuring me to contact him about this, perhaps I should but I'm a bit drained by their whole situation and reluctant to get involved."

You say you want to help her but the one thing she has asked for help with, you won't do. Why is that?
posted by scorpia22 at 7:10 AM on July 8, 2017 [16 favorites]

Response by poster: scorpia22: Good question. Being "a bit drained" by my parents' situation is an understatement...my sister and I were thrown into the middle of their arguments from a young age, and it wasn't until a few years ago that I started to feel numb about their situation and purposely not become involved, because I realized my efforts were not listened to and were fruitless, and that I was incapable of helping them.
That's the long answer. The short answer is that you're right; I probably should step in now for this specific circumstance.
posted by watrlily at 7:35 AM on July 8, 2017

Have her lawyer speak to his lawyer regarding the the papers.
posted by AugustWest at 7:37 AM on July 8, 2017 [13 favorites]

You may need to do some gentle boundary-setting with your mom. Although on the other hand, I'm almost tempted to have you tell your dad that when he does this No Contact thing with your mom he is really putting you in a difficult position. You shouldn't have to be their go between. But your mom should have some channel for necessary communication. Registered mail? I guess a divorce lawyer would know.

For your mom, I would prescribe maybe a knitting class or a quilting group if she'd like to meet some friendly people with fairly little effort. (I don't do church, so my weekends are for crafts.)
posted by puddledork at 7:45 AM on July 8, 2017 [3 favorites]

because I realized my efforts were not listened to and were fruitless, and that I was incapable of helping them.

...which is why AugustWest's advice seems like a better way to go than approaching your father yourself. Your dad's "cutting off communication" also seems to be cutting off your mom moving forward. Taking a bigger step out of that dynamic might even be more useful than just getting the papers signed.
posted by gnomeloaf at 7:46 AM on July 8, 2017

Helping her get needed documents and signatures from your Dad would be a huge help. As a Mom who has too much experience with depression, call her, listen to her, tell her jokes, send funny and/or affectionate texts, emails, and cards. A short call Hi Mom, I'm just about to go to the grocery, just wanted to call and say hi. I'm making your stuffed cabbage and needed more rice. and you can limit calls like that to 2 - 5 minutes, if you get her accustomed to that. Help her find activities. I just wondered if you signed up for that book group at the library yet? A friend watches certain tv shows with her Mom, and they text all through the show.
posted by theora55 at 11:27 AM on July 8, 2017 [2 favorites]

You can see, I'm sure, how manipulative your father is being in this situation: he left your mom, but now won't take the steps to actually release her from the marriage so she can move on. That's messed up.

Neither lawyer has the leverage to force your father to the table to move the proceedings along, which is why your mother is probably asking for your help. I think she could transition to an uncontested divorce which is probably a change in strategy for her. She should definitely speak to her lawyer about that option. But, I do think you should help her by speaking to your father. Be honest with her about your concerns and hesitancy about getting involved. Tell her up front that you'll only contact him once (or however many times is comfortable for you) and discuss with her what her specific goals are for the conversation (I'm assuming selling the apartment) and stay laser focused on that business rather than the emotional side of things.

Should the conversation with your father not be fruitful, I think you have other options for helping your mom out of her present situation. You could sublet the apartment. Turn it into a "permanent" air bnb. I think the goal here should be to get your mom out of there ASAP even if it means losing a bit of money. What is her financial situation like? Best case scenario, your father relents and they sell it. Second best is she does something with the apartment that allows he to physically move away.
posted by scantee at 12:57 PM on July 8, 2017 [6 favorites]

First, it's awesome that you're so caring. But also, she's an adult. It can be tricky to differentiate "I care because I care about you" and "I am sucked into your unhappiness because we're family who are enmeshed." Example: when my parents divorced, I felt sad for them both but for a very brief moment got fixated on what my dad would eat and wanted to buy him a meal service. Then I had to ask myself why I assumed he couldn't feed himself and why I wanted to step into a caretaker role like that, and remind myself that he'd made me plenty of peanut butter sandwiches in my life. (And spoiler: He was totally fine.) So anyway. You sound like you're just a thoughtful person, but whenever you feel too miserable, remind yourself that she has 20-some years on you and can / should be resourceful enough to figure out her own life.

With respect to your parents' issue, I'd hang on to your hard-fought independence and hard-earned wisdom. You valiantly served as go-between many years, then you retired. I think it's ok to stay retired. People without self-sacrificing children go through hostile divorces with non-respondent ex-es, and your mom can manage this as well. And you are right, you can't solve this for them. For all you know, attempts to get your dad to return the paperwork will lead to him no longer returning your calls, or something like that. "Mom, I'm afraid that if I get in the middle of this, then the negativity of the divorce will rub off onto me and that I'll end up hating or being hated by one or the other of you as much as you currently hate each other. I don't think that what he's doing is right, and I'm so sorry for the impact it's having. But please, I just want to stay out of it. What did the lawyer say?"

Then support her in all the ways you would otherwise: lots of calls and texts (both planned and impromptu) and visits if you can. As a sometimes-extrovert, podcasts and audiobooks help me fill the silence when I'm home alone. You could join audible or your library's online audio rental system and recommend or lend audiobooks to one another. She could join a gym, which in lonely times of my life offered a daily dose of familiar and new faces. (A cafe could be as well.) There may well be a single parent nearby who would love to have her assistance, or a library or senior center that would love to have a volunteer.

But it's up to her to decide how she wants to cope. It may be that she needs to feel sad and alone. Divorces are sad. Nobody can just immediately fill the void left by a long-term partner. Just being sympathetic without trying to solve it might be enough. And be honest about how much support you can provide so that you don't get burned out.

There have been some good threads on Metafilter about adult parents' divorces. You might find more support for staying out of the middle from those as well. Good luck. You're awesome for caring as much as you do. And you don't sound like you're going overboard with it or anything -- you sound pretty balanced and sensible. But if it gets more intense, just remember to not let yourself get drowned while you're trying to pull her back to shore, y'know?
posted by salvia at 2:32 PM on July 8, 2017 [3 favorites]

Tough situation, and I totally get how drained you are after all those years. Your dad's behaviour sounds appallingly passive-aggressive, but I'm sure he has his side of the story. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to be stuck in the middle of all that.

But, if your mom really wants to move on, half the battle is already won. It might be worth figuring out what you can do without driving yourself crazy, and then setting a boundary with your mom so that she understands you will do X and not Y. For example, you could say something like "I will make one phone call to Dad to tell him he needs to do whatever is necessary to let you sell the apartment, and I will get the contact info for his lawyer for you to follow up. But if that doesn't work, you will have to get your own lawyer to figure this out."

That said, if you don't think you can avoid being sucked in, stay out. Your mom is a grownup and will ultimately have to navigate this herself, perhaps with the help of a good lawyer.
posted by rpfields at 3:07 PM on July 8, 2017

Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your perspectives and feedback
posted by watrlily at 5:48 PM on July 8, 2017

There are several challenges that arise as a result of having had parents who were not, in the language of Winnicott, good enough when one was dependent on them. One of these challenges is that the patterns laid down between a child and their parents can persist when both are adults and these patterns can only be changed with the hard work of both parties.

First the mother bathes her child then the other way around, or so sang Conor Oberst in the song When the Brakeman turns my way by Bright Eyes. But what happens when the mother did not parent the child, or at least, when there were marked deficiencies there?

And how can I control my own worrying/sadness for her or at least do so constructively?

In my case, coming to terms with my own ambivalent feelings towards both of my parents was and is devastating, but at the same time it helped. It explained why continually meeting my mother's emotional needs resulted in my feeling awful: I was not getting parented in return. The disconnect between the social contract of parenting and the relationship between me and my parents over time is jarring. Nonetheless there was and is a grieving process for the experience of being parented that I have never had and never will have now.

I am no longer the parent to my own mother. I distanced myself from both of my parents. My mother is not as dependent on me as it sounds as if yours in on you. Nonetheless, putting distance between me and my parents was difficult for me to do. In general my parents respect my boundaries. I lapse sometimes and regret it, but there you go.

What has helped me is therapy, building my own social and support networks, and reading about the theory of developmental trauma, attachment theory, and the like. I do not buy into all of the theoretical models but it helps me to read about how the dynamics of parent-child relationships are considered by people who study these.
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 10:33 PM on July 8, 2017 [4 favorites]