Help us parent our aging parents
June 29, 2017 7:19 PM Subscribe
My husband's parents are both in their 90s and live in an assisted living facility. Their finances are being drained and the next step would be for them to go to a nursing home. We would prefer them to live with us (and they are open to it) where they can spend their final years in a home with family. He is in a wheel chair and she uses a walker. Both are fall risks. What accommodations to our home do we need to make to make it livable and safe for them?
We understand the need for at least 36" doorways, grab bars in the tub and ramps to get into and out of the home. What else do we need to think about? Any advice or resources would be very much appreciated. BTW we live in Central Illinois.
We understand the need for at least 36" doorways, grab bars in the tub and ramps to get into and out of the home. What else do we need to think about? Any advice or resources would be very much appreciated. BTW we live in Central Illinois.
To the list you've posted I would add: no throw rugs, and as short and clear a path as possible to the bathroom from their beds.
In at least some parts of the United States you can have someone come to your home and help assess it for risks to the elderly. Have you talked to local Agency on Aging or similar?
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:10 PM on June 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
In at least some parts of the United States you can have someone come to your home and help assess it for risks to the elderly. Have you talked to local Agency on Aging or similar?
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:10 PM on June 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
The AARP is really good resource for this kind of thing. They have a bunch of info on their website and can connect you with local resources.
posted by fshgrl at 8:40 PM on June 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 8:40 PM on June 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
A van equipped to handle a wheel chair if he is unable to transition into a vehicle from his wheel chair. If they do any cooking having a section of counter lowered for their use. A way for them to get outdoors on their own safely ( like a deck). If they are on oxygen then a tank that attaches to the wheelchair, etc.
posted by JayRwv at 8:45 PM on June 29, 2017
posted by JayRwv at 8:45 PM on June 29, 2017
Figure out how they can signal for help when they need it - first if you are home but asleep or upstairs and second if they are home alone. I assume that if they are fall risks, he needs help to transfer from bed to wheelchair, wheelchair to commode etc. and you don't want her to be trying to do that. Oh, and you also need grap bars for the toilet.
posted by metahawk at 8:56 PM on June 29, 2017
posted by metahawk at 8:56 PM on June 29, 2017
My recommendation: make it a place that is not only safe and comfortable for them, but a place where they can still be useful. I am starting to realise that the real curse of being old is that you feel the world, and indeed your family, no longer has a use for you. Mothers who have been housewives and raised families their entire lives, and fathers who have been e.g. a civil engineer their entire life, are suddenly stripped of those things.
So what did your husband's mother used to do? I'm sorry to stereotype and be sexist, but given her age, I'm going to take a wild guess that she cooked and cleaned and maintained the household? Make it easy for her to help with that, with e.g. a lightweight cordless vacuum (I understand she's using a walker, but I've also seen this done, so you never know!), and a comfortable space perhaps in the kitchen or laundry where she can set herself up and help with preparing meals, folding clothes, etc.
I know this sounds like I am being an asshole but my mother is 84 and with dementia, and in her lucid moments she laments, in essence, that the world has no use for her any more. So we've been doing everything we can to help her demonstrate her continued value and usefulness. I'm not saying it always works, but when it does, she's happy. Staying active by doing things familiar to her is good for her physically, because she isn't just sitting there rotting, and mentally, because she is still a participant in the world and not just an observer of it.
As for the old man, well, apply the same principles however you can, would be my suggestion.
And practical stuff like comfortable chairs that are easy to get into and out of, smoothing out walking surfaces (old people love to trip on fucking everything, because they no longer pick up their feet properly, but I guess this is less of a problem in your case), their own space with their own things in it, photo albums, simple family activities on hand like puzzles and Scrabble (old people love Qwirkle, FYI, and can play it with the great-grandkids or whoever) etc., a good collection of old movies and music, large-print books, etc.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:57 PM on June 29, 2017 [19 favorites]
So what did your husband's mother used to do? I'm sorry to stereotype and be sexist, but given her age, I'm going to take a wild guess that she cooked and cleaned and maintained the household? Make it easy for her to help with that, with e.g. a lightweight cordless vacuum (I understand she's using a walker, but I've also seen this done, so you never know!), and a comfortable space perhaps in the kitchen or laundry where she can set herself up and help with preparing meals, folding clothes, etc.
I know this sounds like I am being an asshole but my mother is 84 and with dementia, and in her lucid moments she laments, in essence, that the world has no use for her any more. So we've been doing everything we can to help her demonstrate her continued value and usefulness. I'm not saying it always works, but when it does, she's happy. Staying active by doing things familiar to her is good for her physically, because she isn't just sitting there rotting, and mentally, because she is still a participant in the world and not just an observer of it.
As for the old man, well, apply the same principles however you can, would be my suggestion.
And practical stuff like comfortable chairs that are easy to get into and out of, smoothing out walking surfaces (old people love to trip on fucking everything, because they no longer pick up their feet properly, but I guess this is less of a problem in your case), their own space with their own things in it, photo albums, simple family activities on hand like puzzles and Scrabble (old people love Qwirkle, FYI, and can play it with the great-grandkids or whoever) etc., a good collection of old movies and music, large-print books, etc.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:57 PM on June 29, 2017 [19 favorites]
My in-laws had their house renovated recently by a contractor who had completed an aging-in-place training program, so that is a thing that exists now.
Also, this NYT recent article might be helpful.
posted by minervous at 8:58 PM on June 29, 2017
Also, this NYT recent article might be helpful.
posted by minervous at 8:58 PM on June 29, 2017
I took care of my mom during her last year and I'm telling you you don't want anything rickety around they might grab that won't bear their weight. Nothing on the walls. It's safer for them to just fall than pull down a mirror. Falls are catastrophic. Is the bathroom wide enough that you can carry them in? Rails? a chair? Is the tub high enough that you can set them down? Are you up to the patter when they get embarrassed? My winner was "I seem to remember you doing this for me a few times," and she'd laugh and not be embarrassed anymore. My son would say "It's just poo Grandma."
Acquired some allies midway through this and my mom liked having the extra kids around and they doted on her. Find one in the kitchen at 3 am poaching an egg. You are poaching an egg. Your mom would like a poached egg on oatmeal with feta. We don't have any feta. Go ask her if cottage cheese with paprika would be ok. It's ok. She'd like a pickle too. Pickles we have but they are small so I push two into the cottage cheese that is atop a poached egg on top of oatmeal. I remember eating bizarre things with her shortly before my sister was born.
I really feel that having three little kids around vastly improved my mom's last days. It was summer and in that room was a bored and restless somebody who would talk to them like they were real people and they figured that out pretty quick.
It's tough and we did hit a point where I was insufficient and couldn't do it and she didn't last long after that but she told me everything she'd never told me about her crazy life and this was someone who thought Faulkner was a comedian. I'd do it again but you have to know when it is time to stop.
You are going to have to deal with something I didn't. They are together and one of them will decline first. You probably know which one and you need to work something out with the other one.
Best to you.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 9:56 PM on June 29, 2017 [28 favorites]
Acquired some allies midway through this and my mom liked having the extra kids around and they doted on her. Find one in the kitchen at 3 am poaching an egg. You are poaching an egg. Your mom would like a poached egg on oatmeal with feta. We don't have any feta. Go ask her if cottage cheese with paprika would be ok. It's ok. She'd like a pickle too. Pickles we have but they are small so I push two into the cottage cheese that is atop a poached egg on top of oatmeal. I remember eating bizarre things with her shortly before my sister was born.
I really feel that having three little kids around vastly improved my mom's last days. It was summer and in that room was a bored and restless somebody who would talk to them like they were real people and they figured that out pretty quick.
It's tough and we did hit a point where I was insufficient and couldn't do it and she didn't last long after that but she told me everything she'd never told me about her crazy life and this was someone who thought Faulkner was a comedian. I'd do it again but you have to know when it is time to stop.
You are going to have to deal with something I didn't. They are together and one of them will decline first. You probably know which one and you need to work something out with the other one.
Best to you.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 9:56 PM on June 29, 2017 [28 favorites]
What kind of floors do you have? If they're tile or wood consider installing wall to wall carpeting so any falls are better cushioned. Check out walk in bathtubs. I've seen them at Home Depot, they're that ubiquitous. Ask your in-laws to choose new paint colors for their rooms, give them as much choice in decorating as you can so that they feel most at home.
I have neighbors in their 90s who are still in their own home. The woman is much more mobile than her husband and it's starting to get to her: she's afraid to leave him alone to go do errands, meet friends, etc. Their daughters are working on solutions for this, I suggested maybe he would like weekly visits from slightly younger more mobile old codgers who could sit with him, talk a little, and watch the endless sports and old Westerns he likes. So, make sure your in-laws have opportunities to do things without their spouses.
posted by mareli at 5:57 AM on June 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
I have neighbors in their 90s who are still in their own home. The woman is much more mobile than her husband and it's starting to get to her: she's afraid to leave him alone to go do errands, meet friends, etc. Their daughters are working on solutions for this, I suggested maybe he would like weekly visits from slightly younger more mobile old codgers who could sit with him, talk a little, and watch the endless sports and old Westerns he likes. So, make sure your in-laws have opportunities to do things without their spouses.
posted by mareli at 5:57 AM on June 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
For local referrals, check with the Central Illinois Agency on Aging.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:17 AM on June 30, 2017
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:17 AM on June 30, 2017
Make sure the bathroom they will be using fits a wheelchair, not just for rolling in, but also for turning around and getting out.
Seconding chairs that are comfy and easy to get in and out of. For my grandmother, the particular problem was that many chairs are actually really, really low, so pulling herself from the chair into the walker was difficult. We got different chairs, but since her health insurance covered it and she was interested, we also set up visits from an Occupational Therapist who would come out every other day. This was helpful for several reasons - doing regular physical activity is good for both body and brain no matter how old you are, but it also provided someone from outside the family to see and talk to regularly. Meemaw had dementia, so she couldn't really remember a lot of the advice the OT gave her, but if M&D are still sharp, the OT also gave really good advice about existing and moving in the world as someone who is a "fall risk" - how to get up and down, how to hold the walker to give yourself leverage and not tip, etc.
posted by theweasel at 6:48 AM on June 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
Seconding chairs that are comfy and easy to get in and out of. For my grandmother, the particular problem was that many chairs are actually really, really low, so pulling herself from the chair into the walker was difficult. We got different chairs, but since her health insurance covered it and she was interested, we also set up visits from an Occupational Therapist who would come out every other day. This was helpful for several reasons - doing regular physical activity is good for both body and brain no matter how old you are, but it also provided someone from outside the family to see and talk to regularly. Meemaw had dementia, so she couldn't really remember a lot of the advice the OT gave her, but if M&D are still sharp, the OT also gave really good advice about existing and moving in the world as someone who is a "fall risk" - how to get up and down, how to hold the walker to give yourself leverage and not tip, etc.
posted by theweasel at 6:48 AM on June 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
Really good lighting, especially if one or both hasn't had their cataracts fixed yet.
Minimal stairs.
Levers rather than knobs on doors.
There are occupational therapists (sometimes physical therapists) who specialize in accessibility and I'm sure there are one or more in your area who would be able to consult on this. It is possible that the parents' insurance would pay for it.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 12:20 PM on June 30, 2017
Minimal stairs.
Levers rather than knobs on doors.
There are occupational therapists (sometimes physical therapists) who specialize in accessibility and I'm sure there are one or more in your area who would be able to consult on this. It is possible that the parents' insurance would pay for it.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 12:20 PM on June 30, 2017
I recently visited my 92 year old grandmother. She's still living on her own, at home, and is far less of a fall risk than I am. Me, I trip over my shadow and give myself a high ankle sprain. I've torn my patellar tendon standing up out of a chair, strained my piriformis muscle walking across a room, and somehow killed the top half of my right tibia.
You need anti-slide thingies in the bathtub. Maybe a bath mat, maybe those little stickers, but something that's going to make your tub less slippery.
Same goes for the ramps.
Any sharp corners around that they might fall against? Get some corner cushions. Back when Mama Till had her grandchildren running around in the house, she used kitchen sponges and duct tape on corners in the kitchen and bathroom. By the time her great-grandchildren were running around, she'd upgraded to corner cushions, which were also handy as my Daddy Gob had become a fall risk. After he passed, she still left them on so her great-great-grandchildren wouldn't bonk their heads either.
You might want to consider a bedside commode in their bedroom for middle of the night use. Or for any time use. In my home, I can't safely get to the bathroom by myself, and there's often nobody home who's physically capable or whom I'd be ok with seeing me half naked to help me get there. The bedside commode was the easiest solution.
Do whatever it takes, within some reason, to make them feel at home. Their pictures on the walls in their rooms. Change the paint color. Change the light fixture. Maybe the flooring's in your budget. I moved in with friends almost three years ago because my health had become so interesting that it wasn't safe for me to live alone any more, and it took about two years before I finally felt like this was home. I truly felt like I was homeless with a roof over my head. It's a horrible feeling to have.
Make sure your home is open to their friends and visitors.
And whatever happens, however much they might snap or growl at you helping them with everyday tasks, however grumpy they may be, know this: if they're anything like me, they are more grateful than they will ever be able to express.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 7:15 AM on July 2, 2017
You need anti-slide thingies in the bathtub. Maybe a bath mat, maybe those little stickers, but something that's going to make your tub less slippery.
Same goes for the ramps.
Any sharp corners around that they might fall against? Get some corner cushions. Back when Mama Till had her grandchildren running around in the house, she used kitchen sponges and duct tape on corners in the kitchen and bathroom. By the time her great-grandchildren were running around, she'd upgraded to corner cushions, which were also handy as my Daddy Gob had become a fall risk. After he passed, she still left them on so her great-great-grandchildren wouldn't bonk their heads either.
You might want to consider a bedside commode in their bedroom for middle of the night use. Or for any time use. In my home, I can't safely get to the bathroom by myself, and there's often nobody home who's physically capable or whom I'd be ok with seeing me half naked to help me get there. The bedside commode was the easiest solution.
Do whatever it takes, within some reason, to make them feel at home. Their pictures on the walls in their rooms. Change the paint color. Change the light fixture. Maybe the flooring's in your budget. I moved in with friends almost three years ago because my health had become so interesting that it wasn't safe for me to live alone any more, and it took about two years before I finally felt like this was home. I truly felt like I was homeless with a roof over my head. It's a horrible feeling to have.
Make sure your home is open to their friends and visitors.
And whatever happens, however much they might snap or growl at you helping them with everyday tasks, however grumpy they may be, know this: if they're anything like me, they are more grateful than they will ever be able to express.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 7:15 AM on July 2, 2017
« Older Have you successfully exported a vehicle from the... | Can I save or archive my best blog post? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:32 PM on June 29, 2017