Is the following action reasonable?
June 28, 2017 3:50 PM Subscribe
Context: My partner recently made a Chinese dish called Zongzi for me. This is a banana leaf wrapped rice cake with meat inside. It can be made then kept in the freezer and be eaten for a long time and doesnt go off fast.
This dish is difficult to make as it takes a long time to make as its hard to wrap the banana leaf.
The scenario started with me saying that I would like to make zongzi and asking him to go and buy the banana leaves and the sticky rice. After asking him to buy the ingredients, he says to me why do you want to make zongzi when we have so much rice at home, shouldn’t we eat the rice first before we making it. I said that Zongzi can be made and put into the freezer and kept for long time, so we don’t need to wait until we finish the rice to make it. The raw rice we have at home can be kept for over one year.
I go to work (this is a Saturday) and when I come home from work, he made them already (as a surprise). Before knowing that he made them already, I mentioned to my mum that I would be making Zongzi and she says to me, oh I am thinking of making them too, and that she would make them and invited me and my partner to go over to her house to have dinner and eat them.
So that first week after the Zongzi was made, I ate them every single day. The second week, I didnt eat the Zongzi at all because we had other things for dinner and lunch.
My partner then at the end of the second week comes to me and says, I thought you liked zongzi, so how come you didn’t eat any at all this week?? That doesnt show that you like zongzi at all! I defend myself and say that I do really like zongzi, and this week we just had other food to eat and therefore I didnt have time to eat zongzi.
So he questions me in this annoyed tone, and also when I explain myself he does not agree with me. He says that he took so long to make it and the fact that I didn’t eat it means that I must not like it thaat much. He said it took him very long to make it and he is annoyed that I don’t even seem to enjoy it that much.
(by the way, I thanked him for making it and told him it tasted very good already before the above incident happened, so its not like I didn’t appreciate him making it for me. I even ate 4 in one day, and they are quite large ones).
He then goes on to say that I made both him and my mother make Zongzi, and that I dont actually even show that I like it very much, by not continuously eating them.
He says that if he liked something, he would just stop and eat only that thing until it is completely finished. I mention to him that that may be an unbalanced way to eat. Also, if he made 50 or more zongzi, I can’t be eating this for weeks without eating anything else as it is literally made of only rice and meat and some mushroom, water chestnuts. No vegetables at all.
I said to him, the Zongzi wont go rotten as they are in the freezer and can be kept for long time, given that it is uncooked rice inside.
I feel deeply upset and offended for being accused of something I didn’t even do, and for such a small inconsequential thing to blow up into scenario with a totally negative energy and argument.
Who is reasonable in this situation?
This dish is difficult to make as it takes a long time to make as its hard to wrap the banana leaf.
The scenario started with me saying that I would like to make zongzi and asking him to go and buy the banana leaves and the sticky rice. After asking him to buy the ingredients, he says to me why do you want to make zongzi when we have so much rice at home, shouldn’t we eat the rice first before we making it. I said that Zongzi can be made and put into the freezer and kept for long time, so we don’t need to wait until we finish the rice to make it. The raw rice we have at home can be kept for over one year.
I go to work (this is a Saturday) and when I come home from work, he made them already (as a surprise). Before knowing that he made them already, I mentioned to my mum that I would be making Zongzi and she says to me, oh I am thinking of making them too, and that she would make them and invited me and my partner to go over to her house to have dinner and eat them.
So that first week after the Zongzi was made, I ate them every single day. The second week, I didnt eat the Zongzi at all because we had other things for dinner and lunch.
My partner then at the end of the second week comes to me and says, I thought you liked zongzi, so how come you didn’t eat any at all this week?? That doesnt show that you like zongzi at all! I defend myself and say that I do really like zongzi, and this week we just had other food to eat and therefore I didnt have time to eat zongzi.
So he questions me in this annoyed tone, and also when I explain myself he does not agree with me. He says that he took so long to make it and the fact that I didn’t eat it means that I must not like it thaat much. He said it took him very long to make it and he is annoyed that I don’t even seem to enjoy it that much.
(by the way, I thanked him for making it and told him it tasted very good already before the above incident happened, so its not like I didn’t appreciate him making it for me. I even ate 4 in one day, and they are quite large ones).
He then goes on to say that I made both him and my mother make Zongzi, and that I dont actually even show that I like it very much, by not continuously eating them.
He says that if he liked something, he would just stop and eat only that thing until it is completely finished. I mention to him that that may be an unbalanced way to eat. Also, if he made 50 or more zongzi, I can’t be eating this for weeks without eating anything else as it is literally made of only rice and meat and some mushroom, water chestnuts. No vegetables at all.
I said to him, the Zongzi wont go rotten as they are in the freezer and can be kept for long time, given that it is uncooked rice inside.
I feel deeply upset and offended for being accused of something I didn’t even do, and for such a small inconsequential thing to blow up into scenario with a totally negative energy and argument.
Who is reasonable in this situation?
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
Well, he seems completely unreasonable, since he's framed the entire issue as you being at fault for not doing something that he, personally, would apparently do (eat all the Zongzi forever until it is all gone).
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:00 PM on June 28, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:00 PM on June 28, 2017 [4 favorites]
LOL. You really need to ask?
You are reasonable. He is not reasonable. What he *is*, is ridiculous. "Ridiculous" is the word you are looking for.
Is he normally this ridiculous and controlling or is this just a weird one off?
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 4:01 PM on June 28, 2017 [13 favorites]
You are reasonable. He is not reasonable. What he *is*, is ridiculous. "Ridiculous" is the word you are looking for.
Is he normally this ridiculous and controlling or is this just a weird one off?
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 4:01 PM on June 28, 2017 [13 favorites]
You didn't "make him" make zongzi for you. He did it himself. It was a nice gesture but it was his choice. And you ate a lot of them.
You didn't "make" your mother make them either.
Your partner is suggesting that you somehow demanded zongzi and then refused to eat it. I'm not seeing that any of that happened.
This is raising red flags for me because it's bad behavior for someone to do a "favor" for someone and then insist they enjoy it in a very prescribed way.
posted by delight at 4:05 PM on June 28, 2017 [30 favorites]
You didn't "make" your mother make them either.
Your partner is suggesting that you somehow demanded zongzi and then refused to eat it. I'm not seeing that any of that happened.
This is raising red flags for me because it's bad behavior for someone to do a "favor" for someone and then insist they enjoy it in a very prescribed way.
posted by delight at 4:05 PM on June 28, 2017 [30 favorites]
I really like zongzi too and I wouldn't want to eat them for more than 2 days in a row. It's totally reasonable to want to eat something else and save them for some other time after a whole week of eating them!
posted by TwoWordReview at 4:08 PM on June 28, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by TwoWordReview at 4:08 PM on June 28, 2017 [11 favorites]
if he liked something, he would just stop and eat only that thing until it is completely finished
No he wouldn't. Nor would just about anyone.
I'm glad you're angry. He's being a ridiculous jerk. If this is his idea of being nice to you (doing something you didn't ask him to do, then making nasty accusations when you don't adopt bizarre habits in response) then uh well you've got some re-education to do here, or you could always dump him if he's always like this.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:14 PM on June 28, 2017 [31 favorites]
No he wouldn't. Nor would just about anyone.
I'm glad you're angry. He's being a ridiculous jerk. If this is his idea of being nice to you (doing something you didn't ask him to do, then making nasty accusations when you don't adopt bizarre habits in response) then uh well you've got some re-education to do here, or you could always dump him if he's always like this.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:14 PM on June 28, 2017 [31 favorites]
I think it doesn't matter who's being unreasonable. I think you both said your piece and that should be the end of it. Your partner brought this up to you because they were concerned, you set them straight, now you should both make up and drop it. It is upsetting to be accused of something, yes. But in the grand scheme of things, they were accusing you of not liking something that you actually do like. You clarified that this wasn't the case. If that's not good enough for them, or they pursue it, or this keeps happening, then you have a problem. If you both let it drop now, you won't have a problem.
posted by bleep at 4:15 PM on June 28, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by bleep at 4:15 PM on June 28, 2017 [4 favorites]
The whole point of freezing things for later is to have them later. It is unreasonable to expect someone (assuming you have reliable electricity, income, and access to other foods) to continually eat one food simply because it exists, especially in a long-term preserved state.
What the hell does he think people do with jam?
posted by Lyn Never at 4:19 PM on June 28, 2017 [26 favorites]
What the hell does he think people do with jam?
posted by Lyn Never at 4:19 PM on June 28, 2017 [26 favorites]
Oh my god, my husband does this sometimes. Yes he mistranslated your statement about Zongzi, and I can't even. It's like they're from an alien planet because... ugh.
Did you grow up speaking the same language? Because we didn't and that's part of the miscommunication. It's really nice he surprised you with your favorite dish, the rest is a little crazy and controlling.
Depending on the cause, you can use your words and talk this out, or go ahead and buy him a ticket back to his home planet if he doesn't stop misconstruing everything. The controlling thing can be toxic. Asking yourself if you're crazy because you feel like you were clear can be toxic. Only you know if this is something you can work on or not. Stay alert.
posted by jbenben at 4:55 PM on June 28, 2017 [7 favorites]
Did you grow up speaking the same language? Because we didn't and that's part of the miscommunication. It's really nice he surprised you with your favorite dish, the rest is a little crazy and controlling.
Depending on the cause, you can use your words and talk this out, or go ahead and buy him a ticket back to his home planet if he doesn't stop misconstruing everything. The controlling thing can be toxic. Asking yourself if you're crazy because you feel like you were clear can be toxic. Only you know if this is something you can work on or not. Stay alert.
posted by jbenben at 4:55 PM on June 28, 2017 [7 favorites]
I can eat lasagna six days in a week, but then I freeze the other half for at least a week, cause I'm sick of lasagna for at least a few days. Most of my friends think six meals of the same thing in a short time is weird.
So yeah, sounds like something else is going on there. I wonder if it is a love language thing- he was attempting to show his love by making them for you, and thus you not being as... Enthusiastic about them hurt his feelings.
Or some other chronic concerns
posted by Jacen at 4:56 PM on June 28, 2017 [4 favorites]
So yeah, sounds like something else is going on there. I wonder if it is a love language thing- he was attempting to show his love by making them for you, and thus you not being as... Enthusiastic about them hurt his feelings.
Or some other chronic concerns
posted by Jacen at 4:56 PM on June 28, 2017 [4 favorites]
The food here is not the point, and getting vindication that you're right about the food isn't going to help anything. The food is a proxy for something else that's going on. People behave irrationally all the time--but frequently there are reasons behind the ridiculous things, and those are what you need to look for and deal with, or decide whether they're worth dealing with, in the long run. Let go of the food argument and start talking about what else is going on.
posted by Sequence at 5:27 PM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Sequence at 5:27 PM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
It's natural to want variety in the diet, since we need a variety of nutrients in different amounts. We need to be set up to crave variety, or else our ancestors would have died from nutritional deficiencies a lot more than they did. So, you're not weird for only eating your favorite food for one solid week at a time.
You can tell him that.
posted by amtho at 6:13 PM on June 28, 2017 [4 favorites]
You can tell him that.
posted by amtho at 6:13 PM on June 28, 2017 [4 favorites]
Unless there is an engagement ring in one of these Zongzi and he's freaking out about you getting to it, this is a completely unbalanced expectation on his part for you to eat ALL of something you love, whether or not it was made especially for you.
If your partner is never like this, your partner is upset about something else.
If your partner is usually like this, please tread carefully.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 6:34 PM on June 28, 2017 [22 favorites]
If your partner is never like this, your partner is upset about something else.
If your partner is usually like this, please tread carefully.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 6:34 PM on June 28, 2017 [22 favorites]
...are you both Asian?
so delight said
You didn't "make him" make zongzi for you. He did it himself. It was a nice gesture but it was his choice. And you ate a lot of them.
You didn't "make" your mother make them either.
Your partner is suggesting that you somehow demanded zongzi and then refused to eat it. I'm not seeing that any of that happened.
thing is, I think from some Asian cultural perspectives, it does kinda seem like you "asked" them to make the zongzi and then seemed to take their "acts of kindness" for granted. ...if you're Asian, maybe you know what I mean? The excessive "guess culture" stuff, where once you say that you want to eat something (to people/loved ones/family who know how to make that particular thing), it's read/understood as you asking them to make it, such that they'd feel bad if they didn't make it for you. (To the point where, if you don't want them to trouble themselves making that food for you, you should just not mention wanting the food/act/object/etc at all.) This sort of stuff happens a lot in Asian families/relationship dynamics, where everyone keeps on anticipating everyone else and there are all these unwritten expectations/obligations/codes of conduct (which can also, very often, turn into opportunities to guilt this or that person into feeling like they are obliged to do or say certain things in reciprocation... etc etc).
I'm not trying to validate those perspectives/codes of conduct/cultural expectations/etc; just trying to maybe explain from his (and maybe your mom's) perspective. I can think of many people who would react similarly to him, with a similar sort of interpretation of the situation (especially because you didn't eat any at all during the second week). Not saying they are right or justified, just that sometimes there's a lot of unspoken expectations/cultural interpretations in these situations. I don't think he should have confronted you as negatively as he did, but I can see why he would have maybe been kinda upset that you didn't eat any at all during the second week after "asking" him and your mom to make them. It sounds like he was hurt, overreacted and confronted you with his disappointment in a very unconstructive manner. Maybe there are other underlying issues, maybe he was hoping you'd be more appreciative (in a manner that is more clearly communicative of that appreciation in his own cultural language).
This shouldn't be a hill that either of you die on, so hopefully you can both resolve this and move on.
posted by aielen at 9:47 PM on June 28, 2017 [11 favorites]
so delight said
You didn't "make him" make zongzi for you. He did it himself. It was a nice gesture but it was his choice. And you ate a lot of them.
You didn't "make" your mother make them either.
Your partner is suggesting that you somehow demanded zongzi and then refused to eat it. I'm not seeing that any of that happened.
thing is, I think from some Asian cultural perspectives, it does kinda seem like you "asked" them to make the zongzi and then seemed to take their "acts of kindness" for granted. ...if you're Asian, maybe you know what I mean? The excessive "guess culture" stuff, where once you say that you want to eat something (to people/loved ones/family who know how to make that particular thing), it's read/understood as you asking them to make it, such that they'd feel bad if they didn't make it for you. (To the point where, if you don't want them to trouble themselves making that food for you, you should just not mention wanting the food/act/object/etc at all.) This sort of stuff happens a lot in Asian families/relationship dynamics, where everyone keeps on anticipating everyone else and there are all these unwritten expectations/obligations/codes of conduct (which can also, very often, turn into opportunities to guilt this or that person into feeling like they are obliged to do or say certain things in reciprocation... etc etc).
I'm not trying to validate those perspectives/codes of conduct/cultural expectations/etc; just trying to maybe explain from his (and maybe your mom's) perspective. I can think of many people who would react similarly to him, with a similar sort of interpretation of the situation (especially because you didn't eat any at all during the second week). Not saying they are right or justified, just that sometimes there's a lot of unspoken expectations/cultural interpretations in these situations. I don't think he should have confronted you as negatively as he did, but I can see why he would have maybe been kinda upset that you didn't eat any at all during the second week after "asking" him and your mom to make them. It sounds like he was hurt, overreacted and confronted you with his disappointment in a very unconstructive manner. Maybe there are other underlying issues, maybe he was hoping you'd be more appreciative (in a manner that is more clearly communicative of that appreciation in his own cultural language).
This shouldn't be a hill that either of you die on, so hopefully you can both resolve this and move on.
posted by aielen at 9:47 PM on June 28, 2017 [11 favorites]
Intuitively, my guess is this is not about zongzi but some other emotional issue which is not being talked about. (Unless there have been similar arguments in the past along the same lines, about such things).
posted by storybored at 9:53 PM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by storybored at 9:53 PM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
just wanted to add - in trying to shed more light on his cultural perspective, that doesn't mean I think he gets to completely impose his cultural expectations on you in the relationship. You come with your own expectations and preferred means of communication/behavior etc, and ideally you should both find some compromise in communicating with each other. I don't think anyone has the right to expect the other party in the relationship to conform 100% to their cultural expectations / preferences / etc - it's a relationship between the 2 of you and you have to both find some middle ground.
posted by aielen at 10:02 PM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by aielen at 10:02 PM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
He's being unreasonable.
"Y'know, I had zongzi for lunch." The End. At least it should be. Anything else is drama.
posted by Lord Fancy Pants at 10:23 PM on June 28, 2017
"Y'know, I had zongzi for lunch." The End. At least it should be. Anything else is drama.
posted by Lord Fancy Pants at 10:23 PM on June 28, 2017
He then goes on to say that I made both him and my mother make Zongzi, and that I dont actually even show that I like it very much, by not continuously eating them.
It seems like there's some cultural/personal context here that I'm missing. Like if you don't eat pizza every day have you somehow disrespected pizzamakers everywhere? Also, you ate this dish for a week straight and there's still some left over? Your partner clearly made too much, or does this also include the amount your mother made? Either way, that's too much of one kind of food for somone to eat continually. This sounds less like a nice thing that someone did for you and more like an ironic punishment in hell. You like spaghetti? Then you have to eat this entire olympic swimming pool full of spaghetti and if you don't express your gratitude the whole time you clearly hate spaghetti and have taken advantage of this army of spaghetti cooks.
posted by runcibleshaw at 12:14 PM on June 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
It seems like there's some cultural/personal context here that I'm missing. Like if you don't eat pizza every day have you somehow disrespected pizzamakers everywhere? Also, you ate this dish for a week straight and there's still some left over? Your partner clearly made too much, or does this also include the amount your mother made? Either way, that's too much of one kind of food for somone to eat continually. This sounds less like a nice thing that someone did for you and more like an ironic punishment in hell. You like spaghetti? Then you have to eat this entire olympic swimming pool full of spaghetti and if you don't express your gratitude the whole time you clearly hate spaghetti and have taken advantage of this army of spaghetti cooks.
posted by runcibleshaw at 12:14 PM on June 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
Okay, I get that there may be a cultural thing where one person says, "I want to eat Zongzi" and the two other people who hear it correctly interpret it to mean, "I want you to make Zongzi for me." It's alien to me, but I guess I can see how that would work.
But, by your own account, you didn't say, "I want to eat Zongzi" -- you said to one person, "I want to make Zongzi," and about the other person, "I mentioned to my mum that I would be making Zongzi." And then they each went and did it themselves instead.
If, in some culture I don't know about, declaring, "I'm going to do something" means "I want you to do this something for me," then yeah, I can see how confusion would result. Especially if that culture also requires you to then slavishly devote yourself to the thing the other person did until there's nothing left.
If this cultural thing I just described exists, where declaring intent suddenly obligates everyone around you, and your partner (and mother?) are of it, then I guess you did something wrong. If it doesn't, then I think your partner is being very unreasonable and really kind of mean.
posted by JanetLand at 10:56 AM on June 30, 2017
But, by your own account, you didn't say, "I want to eat Zongzi" -- you said to one person, "I want to make Zongzi," and about the other person, "I mentioned to my mum that I would be making Zongzi." And then they each went and did it themselves instead.
If, in some culture I don't know about, declaring, "I'm going to do something" means "I want you to do this something for me," then yeah, I can see how confusion would result. Especially if that culture also requires you to then slavishly devote yourself to the thing the other person did until there's nothing left.
If this cultural thing I just described exists, where declaring intent suddenly obligates everyone around you, and your partner (and mother?) are of it, then I guess you did something wrong. If it doesn't, then I think your partner is being very unreasonable and really kind of mean.
posted by JanetLand at 10:56 AM on June 30, 2017
Response by poster: Thanks for your answers
posted by direct1 at 4:51 PM on December 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by direct1 at 4:51 PM on December 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Anyway, it seems really unlikely that this is just about the zongzi. Is he feeling underappreciated in other aspects of your relationship? That is the only scenario I can think of in which his over-the-top response makes sense.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 3:58 PM on June 28, 2017 [14 favorites]