Help me support my OCPD partner by not enabling them.

June 28, 2017 12:13 AM

My OCPD partner seems to getting worse, and I am contributing to it in part, by agreeing to their rules of conduct, but then failing to follow through. They remember every infraction, and this last infraction they seem tired of forgiving me for failing to follow simple instructions, as I just 'do it again', and worse than before. What is the best way to resolve this conflict (wait it out?), and what are the long-term strategies to not enable their OCPD behaviour?

My partner is aware of their OCPD. However, I imagine that when it kicks in full throttle, that self-awareness is no help against the internal rage that they keep bottled up inside. They make exceptional effort to keep this in check, but once in a while, the anger blows up, and it always catches me by surprise, and then things are calm again. In between, we laugh about it a lot, and we talk about it.

It is ridiculous to not following simple instructions (not a real one, but along the lines of clearing up a living space after you're done with it), and they think I am willfulling spiting them (since we spend time talking about it, making sure the expectations are clear), and trying to piss them off. They keeps a cap on it, meaning not every infraction gets a reaction, but clearly it gets bottled up, and it blows up to relief the pressure.

I take full responsibility for agreeing to the expectations, and not voicing my own preference for how I like do things (I am too easy going that way, and it is hard to get him to see that some situations are grey). I also know I have some issues related to family that our interaction is triggering (testing boundaries to prove that someone really loves me), and they feel that it's an excuse for my inconsideration.

We do love each other, and I want to help them through this issue that they suffer from, and understand better the reality they live with every day.

In the short term, how do I handle the emotional distance that they have setup, because they sincerely believe that I do not care about them, and as they contemplate (seemingly) how to separate our lives?

In the long term, if they come out of this episode, what can I do to not enable the OCPD tendencies with my passive acceptance? (I will be considering couples therapy, if you have experience or suggestions on the kind of therapist to look for, I welcome pointers.)

If you have OCPD, or have insights into their inner reality, I welcome your anecdotes as well. Thank you all in advance.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (23 answers total)

Couples therapy for sure. And individual therapy for both to you.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 12:29 AM on June 28, 2017 [4 favorites]

It's not that they have OCPD, it's that they deal with it by way of raging at you and threatening to leave the relationship because they think your mistakes are intentional. Someone who, despite multiple conversations, chooses to believe the worst of their partner while at the same time acknowledging that they have OCPD which is causing this total over reaction...I'm not sure couples therapy can help this, because it implies that this is a you problem as well. This is totally their issue. They need pretty intensive individual therapy.

At the moment it sounds like they are emotionally blackmailing you, ie if you don't indulge their OCPD, they will leave. You are enabling this by trying to bend over backwards to accomodate it. As I said, it's not about their condition, it's how they're not managing it. Therapy, pronto. And if not, quite frankly, next time your partner threatens to leave, I'd call their bluff. This isn't a relationship, it's a hostage situation.
posted by Jubey at 12:41 AM on June 28, 2017 [54 favorites]

It sounds to me like your partner is using the OCPD as an excuse to gaslight you. You're in the wrong if you agree to their 'rules of conduct' and then inevitably mess up, and I bet you're also in the wrong if you're not willing to agree. It's honestly disturbing that they get to set the rules like that.
I'm getting a strong impression that they're setting you up for failure just so they can have an excuse to blow up on you. At the moment that suits them, so they can save up your 'infractions', showing how they are making 'exceptional effort'. It should not be exceptional effort not to blow up at your partner. It should be normal.

You are twisting yourself into a pretzel here because you're doing your best to be accommodating (in order not to have anger directing at you) but not too accommodating (because then you're enabling the behaviour and it's all your fault). This is a game you can't win. It's set up that way.

Look at the words you're using: rules, infraction, failing, instructions. Those aren't words that belong in a loving relationship. Those are words that are used where one person has all the power and the other has none. Who are they to be laying down the rules or giving you 'simple instructions'? Those are for minions, not for equal partners. Are you a minion?

This is not on you. Your partner should be in control of their own anger. This whole situation sounds unfair and unhealthy. I think you need to take a really hard look at this relationship and what's in it for you. I think that you are getting a lot less than you deserve. And honestly I'm worried for you. This is not good for you and it's no way to live.

I know that you're asking 'help me deal with this'. And my response is 'maybe you shouldn't be dealing with this'.
posted by Too-Ticky at 1:35 AM on June 28, 2017 [36 favorites]

Ask yourself:

Is your partner doing the work you're doing here?
Do they interrogate their every move like you interrogate yours?
Are they trying to gain insight to your inner reality?
Do they ask themselves how they can support and please you?
Do they agree to your rules of conduct?
Do they acknowledge that their expectations are unreasonable and therefore unacceptable?
Are they taking concrete steps to manage their OCPD, of their own accord?

>> However, I imagine that when it kicks in full throttle, that self-awareness is no help against the internal rage that they keep bottled up inside.

Not true. Your partner has plenty of self-awareness and control. Do they rage equally hard at the FedEx delivery person? Your barista? Their boss? No. They rage at *you.* That means they're giving themselves permission to target and lash out at you, specifically.
posted by fritillary at 1:42 AM on June 28, 2017 [39 favorites]

Also this...
I also know I have some issues related to family that our interaction is triggering (testing boundaries to prove that someone really loves me), and they feel that it's an excuse for my inconsideration.
... sounds so cold that I want to reach out and hug you. Where's the consideration for you?
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:24 AM on June 28, 2017 [11 favorites]

First off, they need to own this disorder, accept they need help, and begin getting this treated. If that's not happening, then you need to move on, unfortunately. OCD never gets better on its own and you CANNOT fix it.

Next, stop agreeing to it. Every time you agree, you just let his OCD win. His OCD shouldn't win because it's a stupid, irrational, anxiety-based disorder that has the power to completely take over all of your lives.

One of my adult kids did a long program at McLeans Hospital's OCD Institute outside of Boston; there was a component of therapy for families and caregivers which was all about learning how to not enable the OCD behavior.

Basically, you have to stop enabling it, period. Whatever their OCD obsession/compulsion is, you have to completely ignore it. You can't even redirect it because then you're acknowledging it. My example is my kid had bad thoughts when I was away from him, so he'd text me a lot to see what I was up to. During treatment, even if he was texting me something innocuous like dinner plans or could I buy him socks (this kid and socks, seriously--I could write a novel), I had to ignore the text. Another thing was when I left the house, I couldn't tell him where I was going or how long I'd be, and I couldn't say, "I'm doing this as part of the treatment." At home together, I had to completely ignore any single question he ever asked me (and not say, "I can't talk to you about that") because he needed to live with uncertainty. It felt harsh but it really did work.

The treatment theory is we're all swinging the pendulum completely counter to the OCD. With enough practice of what feels like harsh treatment from friends and family and forcing the patient into uncertain moments, the pendulum is able to swing into a more "typical" habit and the OCD-brain can function without those thoughts.

But if he's not getting help and isn't actively trying to get better, there is nothing you can do here.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:50 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]

You need to set boundaries and get your own personal space where you don't have to deal with their OCPD. If every private space is a shared space between you two, and you have to promise to try to adhere to their rules for the shared space, then you will end up policing yourself all the time.

If your partner considers every infraction to be malicious, then this trains you to stay well clear of all boundaries all the time. This is where it can cross the line into shitty controlling behavior.

Whether or not it's causes your partner distress or not, at some point it doesn't matter. It's not an either-or situation: either their behaviour is controlling or it's OCPD. It can be both.

You agreed to the expectations, but if you can't manage it, then you tried and it wasn't possible. Why would you need to take further responsibility for something? Let me just say clearly, When you can't reach their expectations, this is not your fault.

As to what to do, I'd approach the problem in the same way I would with controlling behaviour. Set boundaries for it -- boundaries that you can live with -- and see if they are respected. Maybe here this is your own private room where they don't get to set any rules. Maybe you need separate bedrooms. Maybe you need your own apartment.
posted by cotterpin at 3:28 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]

My mum has a different disorder but her behaviors overlap with OCPD. From watching my father fairly literally spend his entire life to behave right in their home, I strongly encourage you to find the best individual therapy possible and form "team you." Your love and attention to "the rules" (infraction?! Really?!) will never, ever be enough.

My parents have been married for 50 years and leaving the wrong dish towel on the wrong hook still creates, randomly, a meltdown and threats of divorce. It is ghastly. Not just for my dad, but for my mum, because she's never had a partner who stood up for a life not centered around that degree of anxiety. And as a child of that relationship...lots of scars.

What you need is a strong network of people to help you learn how to set boundaries and maintain your sense of self-worth in the face of the storm.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:07 AM on June 28, 2017 [13 favorites]

There are reasonable expectations for sharing a household. Your needs are as important as their needs. When your needs are not met, what happens? When their obsessive-compulsive needs are not met, they likely feel anxiety, and it can them translate into irritability. You may have agreed to some rules because you wanted to please your partner, but those rules may not be workable for you. You need a therapist to help you both learn how to negotiate and respect each others' needs. A great book about dealing with anyone who has poor boundaries, is manipulative, highly dramatic, etc. Stop Walking on Eggshells. But I think you need a highly competent therapist to help you both.
posted by theora55 at 5:31 AM on June 28, 2017

Yeah, this sounds like a very toxic relationship, and it sounds like they may not be willing to put in the work to own their responsibility for making it toxic. I'm frankly not sure this is fixable, but I think starting with couples therapy to work on how to handle this is a good place to start -- and hopefully also individual therapy. But... you really need to have your own needs met, and be prepared to look elsewhere if you can't get them met in this relationship. Good luck to you.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:05 AM on June 28, 2017

Agreeing to do things that you're predictably not going to be able to stick with isn't doing anyone any favours. You need help learning to be straightforward about what you can & can't do right now, and your partner needs help learning to accept that you can't (and probably shouldn't) say yes to everything. You both need help dealing with your respective fear of / feelings of rejection and the destructive behaviours that they're leading you both to engage in.

I think a key thing that your partner needs to recognize is that the emotional reaction they have to things in their environment because of their OCPD does not make their opinion about the way their environment should be *correct*, nor does it mean that they should expect others to tailor their environment to that opinion.

For example: yesterday I was in my kitchen talking with a friend who has self-diagnosed as having OCPD. After about 10 minutes, in the middle of our conversation, he burst out "How can you stand it!". Took a minute to establish that he was no longer talking politics but rather *something* in my kitchen. Right now my kitchen is a mess, it is solidified chaos (still unpacking from moving), but the thing that was driving him bonkers was a double row of popsicle molds standing on top of my microwave - they weren't lined up evenly, and the handles weren't aligned in the same direction. We had a chat about how he was welcome to move them, but that what he was doing was not "fixing" them (his word, when he asked if he could straighten them) because there was nothing wrong with the way they were currently - they were clean and out of the way and not in danger of falling over. Letting him move the popsicle molds helped him focus on our conversation while I finished making lunch, but I wasn't going to do it for him, and he can't expect them to still be lined up the next time he sees them, and he knows that. (And yes, he is currently a friend and not a romantic partner who is living with me, but the same guidelines applied when when we were living together).
posted by Secret Sparrow at 6:29 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]

I don't want to just dump to full DTFMA since you explicitly stated that you love your partner. But maybe this is a case where you *can* have a limited romantic relationship, like texting, dates and sex, but you can't live together because the stress and strain of strict rule enforcement is too much.
posted by puddledork at 7:11 AM on June 28, 2017

The way you write about this makes it sound extremely unbalanced, like the way you're both approaching their OCPD is as though it's something they get to dictate rules about and you have to follow the rules, and when you don't do exactly what they want they threaten to leave you and act like that's your fault too.

I know you love them, but it sounds like their "love" for you is only at the forefront for them when you do exactly what they say.

OCPD is a really hard condition, but the way they're acting about this is not cool and it sounds like they're putting a ton of expectation on you to manage it for them, blaming you when it doesn't work, and refusing to do the work on it that they need to do.

This is no way to spend your life, wondering if tiny ordinary actions are going to result in screaming rage.

Couples therapy is going to make like there's a problem between you, and this is really your partner's problem. Your partner seems to blame you entirely and couples therapy will make that worse. Let them move out and encourage them to get the help they need to work on their condition, but stop trying to manage it for them. They need to step up and deal with it themselves, and this includes the realization that their behavior can cost them their relationship, that they are hurting you and stressing you out.

I know you love them and that you can't choose who you love, but you can choose who you spend your time with.

Good luck.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:13 AM on June 28, 2017 [4 favorites]

Let them move out and encourage them to get the help they need to work on their condition, but stop trying to manage it for them.

1000 times this right here.

You're not his therapist. You can't manage this for him. He's making his disorder your problem to manage and abusing you when you fail. Enough. Let him bear the consequences.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:30 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]

I would have a very hard time dealing with this, personally. I grew up with a control freak parent, and the "why'd you do it that way?" is endless and pointless. I very quickly hit a point of "if you want it done a very specific and arbitrary way, then you need to do it yourself."

Those are my issues, not yours, of course. But I think there is another point of view here. That is: the OCPD is their problem, not yours. You are doing things to an acceptable level for you, and for most people. If your partner needs things done to a different level to satisfy an arbitrary standard, that is their problem. It may be worth exploring them doing a second pass at those tasks. You can take it to a reasonable standard, they can do the OCPD details to suit their needs.

I'm not saying don't support your partner, but I am saying don't indulge them.
posted by Cranialtorque at 9:04 AM on June 28, 2017 [4 favorites]

I have OCPD. Couples therapy and individual therapy for both of you is a great idea. Moving out and living separately from your partner might be a good solution if you can't work this out. Long-term, when it comes up again in the future, I agree with Secret Sparrow that being more straightforward about what you can actually, reasonably expect yourself to do and holding that boundary would help with not 'enabling' them.

You're allowed to say "I'm sorry, I'm not able to do that/that won't be possible" to anything your partner asks of you. Or "I'm sorry, I need to do it this way" even for small preferences. Not everything has to have a defined 'this way or you failed' point, letting them take it there is unhealthy, and it'd be perfectly fine to use the 'whoever cares more about how it's done does it' standard (i.e. they do it). But agreeing to do something a certain way and breaking that agreement (intentionally? Am I reading right that you're the one testing boundaries?) is unfair to both of you. If you agree to stuff you know you can't or won't do, or realize you keep forgetting about it, etc. but don't try to say "hey, sorry, this actually isn't working for me, can we do it differently," promising to do better and then not, it does come off to us like you weren't listening or taking us seriously. It also contributes to the same dynamic of wives who don't want to nag because it feels silly to keep bringing up the socks, they shouldn't make it a big deal, so they don't say anything until they explode about the damn socks.

Regardless, you're also allowed to have a boundary about the outbursts - it's really hard to control OCPD anger outbursts, like, ridiculously hard, but it's not impossible and fritillary is right that they're allowing themselves to let it out at you but probably not anyone else. That's not alright, you can both acknowledge that they have a right to their feelings but not a right to take it out on you. Your partner needs to find an outlet for that anger that's not a person and a way to deal with those feelings before they get to that point, both of which are probably a goal for therapy and definitely aren't something that you should take on for them.

Both sides of this problem seem pretty solvable but only if both of you are trying in good faith to make it better. If you aren't willing to be more assertive, or if they aren't willing to fix their learned OCPD behaviors, it's not going to get any better, and it'd probably be kindest to both of you to break up. My partner and I are working through similar-but-less-severe problems right now and it's been exhausting. Good luck.
posted by gaybobbie at 12:16 PM on June 28, 2017 [3 favorites]

I don't have much advice, but my husband is really similar to this. He has OCD. He's a good man, but you just see the frustration building throughout the day. Then there's an outburst about a pillowcase or how many grocery bags we brought to the co-op (both real stories that happened THIS week). He usually feels bad about it afterward, but there isn't much change. I know you posted anonymously, but if you wanted a venting partner I would be 100% down. It might be good to have someone outside of your life to talk to? I tell my friends some things, but they're also his friends and it feels shitty to complain about his faults. Memail me if you want.
posted by Bistyfrass at 1:52 PM on June 28, 2017

I have a different perspective than most people who have posted so far, because I have OCD and/or OCPD.

I can't begin to tell you how frustrating it is when someone you love *knows* about your issues and agrees to help, then doesn't follow through. An example: my wife knew that if I woke up in the middle of the night and she wasn't there, I would worry. My brain would fill with intrusive thoughts about her getting in a car wreck or having a different kind of accident or being abducted, etc.

When she wanted to go out at night after the kids were in bed I was cool with it, but I asked if she could send me a text if she was going to be out later than 1 in the morning letting me know her plans. That way if I woke up at 2 a.m. and freaked out because she wasn't home, I could read the text and know she was fine. She agreed to this, but then only followed through about 60% of the time. To me, it felt like she didn't care enough about my comfort to bother sending me a quick text (while texting lots of other people). To her, it felt like I was trying to control her night.

For someone with these kinds of issues, talking about it is important. And follow-through on the other person's end is important too.

I was never trying to control my wife or gaslight her or anything else that was mentioned above. I just knew I had this problem and the solution was simple and she couldn't even be bothered to help. She was out until four in the morning sometimes and I was lying awake in bed, hoping she was fine while filled with terrible thoughts. It was miserable.
posted by tacodave at 3:10 PM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]

The example above is quite different from the example OP gave, which had to do with cleaning.

Asking a loved one to check in when they're out late isn't behavior outside the normative. All parents ask their kids to do this. Many if not most partners will expect an update if their partner isn't going to be home by midnight or whatever. It's elementary consideration, not coddling of disordered thinking, to let your partner know that you're safe if you're out later than expected.

That's not what's being asked in this question. This is about demanding that partner agree to do some chore in a particular way and being shitty to her when she doesn't do it in that way, and furthermore setting her up as being the one that's in the wrong, despite the initial demand having been outside the realm of normal expectations.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:24 PM on June 28, 2017 [7 favorites]

Mod note: From the OP:

Gaybobbie's and tacodave's responses are most helpful, while others have been reassuring.

The example I gave is not indicative of the issue, so please don't think it has anything to do with cleaniness. It really has to do with me not cluing in as to how badly it affects them when I don't follow through on ordinary grown up arrangements (like checking in after a time in tacodave's anecdote), regardless of whether it is that I can't (by being not assertive enough to do what gaybobbie suggests so clearly), or won't (which is entirely subconscious; I am horrified that I break the agreements, not just because I want to avoid the rage).

Please note that indeed OCD and OCPD are similar but not the same, though overlaps can occur. There is no OCD in my partner.

Thank you for all the responses so far. It takes two to tango, so thank you for helping me understand my partner better.

posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 5:35 PM on June 28, 2017

You may get more relevant input if you describe what it is you're "failing" to do for him. If it's a normal bit of consideration that loving grown-ups do for each other regardless of OCPD, then his illness is a red herring and you'll want to focus on your own behaviors. If it's some weird idiosyncracy that is a function of his illness, then he's the one who needs to be working on himself.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:16 PM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]

So the thing about living with a partner who randomly rages is that it saps the raged-at partner's motivation to do anything at all, because a sense of futility takes over. If they're going to yell anyway, what the hell is the point of attempting to do it right? As an absolute first step, the raging partner needs to stop raging. A therapist with experience working with abusive partners and/or personality disorders would likely be helpful in working toward that goal.
posted by lazuli at 9:35 PM on June 28, 2017 [8 favorites]

It really has to do with me not cluing in as to how badly it affects them when I don't follow through on ordinary grown up arrangements

I think it's a good instinct that you want to know when your partner is frustrated, but the main issue here is how they deal with that frustration, and as others have mentioned that problem is on them, not on you. If it isn't something truly critical, eventually you will forget no matter how hard you try not to, and your partner needs to develop a healthy and non-passive-aggressive way to deal with the frustration.

I am horrified that I break the agreements

Is horror appropriate, though? Is someone's safety at actual risk when you forget to do X? There's something in that phrasing that makes me think your partner has transferred some of their own irrational fears onto you. Like, are these formalized contracts that you are violating? I am just asking these questions in case you may have lost perspective. All I'm saying horror is not something you should be feeling on a regular basis.
posted by Tarumba at 11:13 AM on July 7, 2017 [2 favorites]