How can I care for my grieving husband from far away?

June 25, 2017 4:23 PM

I moved hundreds of miles away from my husband and his family to participate in an intensive summer class this summer. Someone central to my husband's life has suddenly died and I can't be there to help him through it. I am trying to think of ways to help his family to function during their grieving that I can perform from a distance that will ease their burden and make them feel cared for.
posted by Foam Pants to Human Relations (4 answers total)

Truth? This is where you ask him if you need to drop this opportunity to be there. And if he says yes - that's what you've got to do. I assume he knows how important what you are doing in terms of the grand scheme of things. I assume he knows there is no 'I come home for a handful of days' (or else you would have done it). He needs to either be in control of the holy shit handle and fuck up the family's opportunity to make things better for all of you by you being where you are with full awareness of the long term impact to what I assume is your career and income potential. He needs to know that you have his back.


And if he knows that, and you have had that tough conversation already and you both know that where you are is where you need to be, then the most you can offer is a supporting ear. Ask him to tell you stories, ask him to share something... and if he doesn't want to, just give him the contact so that when he is ready to share that you are there for him.

No amount of flowers, candies, cards or physical items help with the loss of a significant figure. Time, attention, and genuine caring do.

You both have my condolences. Being the partner for a loved one when they go through something truly tough is horrible.
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:49 PM on June 25, 2017 [19 favorites]

I think anything you send will be deemed as thoughtful. Flowers, cookies, photos you may have of their loved one.

Often, families struggle with the photos, so if you even have one of them, and email it, they will appreciate it.

It really doesn't matter, as people are often overwhelmed, so any little thing will be welcomed.

Or offering to pay for or write an obituary. Obituaries cost money. My brother died last year, and no one knew what to do, but when I asked about writing his obituary, they were all relieved. Really, and gesture you make will be welcome.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:51 PM on June 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

Do you have access to Skype or an iPhone or other video chat application? I live roughly 5000 miles from family members I love dearly. When things are hard for me, it can really help to have a conversation with a loved one whom I can actually see. Even though I can't get a hug from that person, seeing a face while hearing their voice makes things better. For me, at least.
posted by Bella Donna at 6:09 PM on June 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: It's the day to day things that become so hard when you are grieving.

Can you order groceries online to be sent home, arrange a cleaner or someone to mow the lawn? Maybe a meal service to make sure your husband is fed each night?

When my husband passed away, I was shocked by how everyone dissapeared so quickly and I was left to get on with things. Having some groceries show up would have been very much appreciated.
posted by Youremyworld at 6:25 PM on June 25, 2017 [5 favorites]