Balancing a Bicoastal Baby
June 21, 2017 12:03 PM Subscribe
Guyagonalize has been invited to spend a pre-tenure sabbatical year in California, taking us away from our home on the East Coast. We're all fired up to go, but turns out I'm knocked up! This is our first (and very wanted) kid, and assuming all goes according to plan, the baby will be ~6 months old when we're scheduled to start this crazy adventure. What do we need to know/do to make this a success and not a disaster?
Kidagonalize is due in December, and this move wouldn't happen until next summer, so we've still got some time to prep. We are hoping to take as little as possible with us and rent out our house furnished for the year, ideally as part of a sabbatical home deal or to some newly incoming faculty members. Please tell us if this is a painfully naive fantasy. No matter if we go or stay, I will essentially be a stay at home mom while Guyagonalize focuses on being an awesome husband and dad while also getting as much research as humanly possible done in preparation for his tenure review.
One key detail for all of this is that I'm from CA, and my mom has already invited us to stay with her in her large, comfortable house within a reasonable commute to the inviting university. It's her first grandkid, and she's very excited to help, but also very active running her own business. My adult sister also lives at the house, and she has a longtime boyfriend who hangs around a lot when they're not at work. They're not likely to be super helpful, but probably be okay as occasional kid minders. There's also an adorable Corgi-ish mutt there who may or may not be a fan of the baby, but she could easily go live with my brother (aka her first owner and one true love) if necessary.
Presumably we'll need to set up a nursery, but aside from that, we wouldn't really need anything else in CA. We'd be in a major metro area with easy access to parks, shops, and medical care, lots of local family support, and a comfortable living space. On paper, this all sounds really great, so I don't anticipate a lot of problems living out there, but I am freaked out by the logistics of trying to move a baby back and forth across the country in a relatively short time span, while also adjusting feedings, sleep schedules, doctor visits, etc.
We currently have zero baby things, so we're starting from a blank slate. I'm not sure if I should be trying to set up dual nurseries in CT and CA, or if I should just keep the kid in a metaphorical cardboard box for the first six months and focus on setting up a baby paradise at grandma's, and then deal with establishing a toddler room for when we return, or something else entirely. I have been obsessively reading Lucie's List and Baby Gear Lab, so I am fully aware that kids need stuff, and we'll get what we need, but we would obviously prefer not to double all our kid purchases, and we're also hoping to minimize how much we have to transfer back and forth between coasts.
I'm a little scared I'll miss some crucial window to make other parent friends in our own neighborhood, and I'm also a little nervous that we'll get used to having my family around to help with the baby and then collapse when we're back to being on our own, but that's probably just first time parent jitters, right?
Naturally, we have no idea what our newest family member will be like, and a lot can still happen between now and then, so we're fully prepared to chuck all of our plans should our kid require special medical care or whatever, but the pregnancy and all tests have been very normal so far. Assuming that we're starting with a normal, healthy baby, is temporarily moving for a year still a completely stupid idea? What do we need to know? What are we overlooking or overthinking?
Kidagonalize is due in December, and this move wouldn't happen until next summer, so we've still got some time to prep. We are hoping to take as little as possible with us and rent out our house furnished for the year, ideally as part of a sabbatical home deal or to some newly incoming faculty members. Please tell us if this is a painfully naive fantasy. No matter if we go or stay, I will essentially be a stay at home mom while Guyagonalize focuses on being an awesome husband and dad while also getting as much research as humanly possible done in preparation for his tenure review.
One key detail for all of this is that I'm from CA, and my mom has already invited us to stay with her in her large, comfortable house within a reasonable commute to the inviting university. It's her first grandkid, and she's very excited to help, but also very active running her own business. My adult sister also lives at the house, and she has a longtime boyfriend who hangs around a lot when they're not at work. They're not likely to be super helpful, but probably be okay as occasional kid minders. There's also an adorable Corgi-ish mutt there who may or may not be a fan of the baby, but she could easily go live with my brother (aka her first owner and one true love) if necessary.
Presumably we'll need to set up a nursery, but aside from that, we wouldn't really need anything else in CA. We'd be in a major metro area with easy access to parks, shops, and medical care, lots of local family support, and a comfortable living space. On paper, this all sounds really great, so I don't anticipate a lot of problems living out there, but I am freaked out by the logistics of trying to move a baby back and forth across the country in a relatively short time span, while also adjusting feedings, sleep schedules, doctor visits, etc.
We currently have zero baby things, so we're starting from a blank slate. I'm not sure if I should be trying to set up dual nurseries in CT and CA, or if I should just keep the kid in a metaphorical cardboard box for the first six months and focus on setting up a baby paradise at grandma's, and then deal with establishing a toddler room for when we return, or something else entirely. I have been obsessively reading Lucie's List and Baby Gear Lab, so I am fully aware that kids need stuff, and we'll get what we need, but we would obviously prefer not to double all our kid purchases, and we're also hoping to minimize how much we have to transfer back and forth between coasts.
I'm a little scared I'll miss some crucial window to make other parent friends in our own neighborhood, and I'm also a little nervous that we'll get used to having my family around to help with the baby and then collapse when we're back to being on our own, but that's probably just first time parent jitters, right?
Naturally, we have no idea what our newest family member will be like, and a lot can still happen between now and then, so we're fully prepared to chuck all of our plans should our kid require special medical care or whatever, but the pregnancy and all tests have been very normal so far. Assuming that we're starting with a normal, healthy baby, is temporarily moving for a year still a completely stupid idea? What do we need to know? What are we overlooking or overthinking?
I don't know about other places and I am not a parent, but there's a ton of parents always giving away all sorts of baby supplies on Buy Nothing in my area. I have the impression that baby stuff is a dime a dozen because it gets outgrown so fast. Get just what you need used for free or cheap, give it away again when it gets outgrown three days/weeks/months later.
posted by aniola at 12:42 PM on June 21, 2017
posted by aniola at 12:42 PM on June 21, 2017
Babies don't need all that much. For baby's first months on the East Coast, I'd focus on getting mostly the basics -- crib that can be converted into a toddler bed once the baby returns home, and maybe a changing table that can be converted into a dresser or bookshelf or something more suitable for the toddler years.
Other than that, babies grow really fast! Get a clothes and toys used, from consignment or the thrift store or whatever, with the goal of selling or re-donating it all before you leave, since the toddler you return with will need new stuff anyway.
If you look online, there's a ton of guides and lists for minimalist approaches to babies and stuff for babies. Maybe stick to a list like that for buying new or new-ish, and get any want-to-haves used, since most of it will probably need to be donated once you head West, especially if you're planning on renting your home.
posted by PearlRose at 1:01 PM on June 21, 2017
Other than that, babies grow really fast! Get a clothes and toys used, from consignment or the thrift store or whatever, with the goal of selling or re-donating it all before you leave, since the toddler you return with will need new stuff anyway.
If you look online, there's a ton of guides and lists for minimalist approaches to babies and stuff for babies. Maybe stick to a list like that for buying new or new-ish, and get any want-to-haves used, since most of it will probably need to be donated once you head West, especially if you're planning on renting your home.
posted by PearlRose at 1:01 PM on June 21, 2017
We moved 8,000 miles across the globe when our oldest was nine months old. It was fine! All the baby things we needed fit in our suitcases. He slept in a pack-and-play until he was well over a year, so we did splurge and buy a new one (all of $60) at the other end of our journey rather than lugging it along.
Babies actually do better with jet lag than adults, per the inimitable Dr. Ferber. Ours certainly got adjusted faster than us. If you're in a big metro area (or even a medium-sized one), pediatricians will be used to patients coming and going. We had no problem getting him into a new practice.
By the time your kid is six months old, you won't be a new parent any more but a totally baby pro, I swear! C'est fine!
Also, just a general note on baby gear... minimalism is your friend. You can always pick up something later on if you need it. We have a newborn right now and use a grand total of... a bouncy chair, a pack-and-play (with crib mattress and sheets), some onesies, diapers, wipes, a towel on our bed for a changing table, a wrap for carrying him, a baby bathtub, a few bottles/pumping equipment, and a car seat/stroller. That's *it*.
Congrats!
posted by whitewall at 1:01 PM on June 21, 2017
Babies actually do better with jet lag than adults, per the inimitable Dr. Ferber. Ours certainly got adjusted faster than us. If you're in a big metro area (or even a medium-sized one), pediatricians will be used to patients coming and going. We had no problem getting him into a new practice.
By the time your kid is six months old, you won't be a new parent any more but a totally baby pro, I swear! C'est fine!
Also, just a general note on baby gear... minimalism is your friend. You can always pick up something later on if you need it. We have a newborn right now and use a grand total of... a bouncy chair, a pack-and-play (with crib mattress and sheets), some onesies, diapers, wipes, a towel on our bed for a changing table, a wrap for carrying him, a baby bathtub, a few bottles/pumping equipment, and a car seat/stroller. That's *it*.
Congrats!
posted by whitewall at 1:01 PM on June 21, 2017
We moved when our baby was exactly six months old. It went fine but necessitated a bunch of helpers. It is nearly impossible for the main baby-minder to do any packing. So I'd plan for something like one parent and baby travels first, while remaining parent packs and ships. When we moved, the only baby stuff we owned was a crib, a bouncy seat, chew toys, and a playmat. After 6 months old, when he could stand, came the bouncer/exersaucer and push toys and activity cubes. So you wouldn't need to double up on much.
posted by xo at 1:24 PM on June 21, 2017
posted by xo at 1:24 PM on June 21, 2017
Congratulations!!
Definitely scan the Buy Nothing and other local Facebook groups; the first year can be a revolving door of clothes and equipment, so you can get a ton of nearly-new stuff secondhand and you will have no problem giving it away either (and then re-acquiring on the other coast). And a lot of larger baby items (e.g. crib, changing tray) will be in use for a few years, so you won't have to replace all your baby furniture after a year away.
The first six months (really, the first three, YMMV) are the hardest anyway, so your timing is good: you'll have been through the gauntlet and will get a break with your mom, and by the time you move back Kidagonalize will be somewhat lower maintenance. And after six months, you'll have some experience under your belt and be familiar with your baby's personality, which will give you a little more confidence if your mom has parenting advice that conflicts with your style. (Prevailing baby-care wisdom changes over the years, so differing opinions between Mom and Grandma are very common.)
On preview, agreeing with xo: it's really hard to plan a move, and almost impossible to pack, while minding a baby and keeping your health/sanity. Put your guy in charge of that, and recruit helpers whenever possible.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:38 PM on June 21, 2017
Definitely scan the Buy Nothing and other local Facebook groups; the first year can be a revolving door of clothes and equipment, so you can get a ton of nearly-new stuff secondhand and you will have no problem giving it away either (and then re-acquiring on the other coast). And a lot of larger baby items (e.g. crib, changing tray) will be in use for a few years, so you won't have to replace all your baby furniture after a year away.
The first six months (really, the first three, YMMV) are the hardest anyway, so your timing is good: you'll have been through the gauntlet and will get a break with your mom, and by the time you move back Kidagonalize will be somewhat lower maintenance. And after six months, you'll have some experience under your belt and be familiar with your baby's personality, which will give you a little more confidence if your mom has parenting advice that conflicts with your style. (Prevailing baby-care wisdom changes over the years, so differing opinions between Mom and Grandma are very common.)
On preview, agreeing with xo: it's really hard to plan a move, and almost impossible to pack, while minding a baby and keeping your health/sanity. Put your guy in charge of that, and recruit helpers whenever possible.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:38 PM on June 21, 2017
Our first child was born when we lived in Philadelphia, a seven hour drive from our families in Toronto. We moved back to Toronto when she was 9 months old, had another baby, and then moved to Montreal (where we again have no support network) when the oldest was 5.
I don't have a lot of specific advice except to tell you that you'll be fine. Personally, we REALLY liked that we were living away from our families when our oldest was born. Those first nine months really solidified us as a family unto ourselves, rather than just an extension of our existing families. Moving back to Toronto was also wonderful, for all the obvious reasons that it's nice to be around extended family when you have a baby.
Moving again was a bit harder. It's tough to leave behind all that free babysitting, and it's a little sad to have your children go to seeing their cousins/grandparents a few times a year rather than a few times a week, but overall it's been very positive. And I'll also say that we didn't really make any other parent friends in Philadephia or Toronto at all, and I don't really regret it. For us, the most natural time to start making friends with other parents came when our oldest started public school here in Montreal.
It's going to be a great adventure!
posted by 256 at 1:43 PM on June 21, 2017
I don't have a lot of specific advice except to tell you that you'll be fine. Personally, we REALLY liked that we were living away from our families when our oldest was born. Those first nine months really solidified us as a family unto ourselves, rather than just an extension of our existing families. Moving back to Toronto was also wonderful, for all the obvious reasons that it's nice to be around extended family when you have a baby.
Moving again was a bit harder. It's tough to leave behind all that free babysitting, and it's a little sad to have your children go to seeing their cousins/grandparents a few times a year rather than a few times a week, but overall it's been very positive. And I'll also say that we didn't really make any other parent friends in Philadephia or Toronto at all, and I don't really regret it. For us, the most natural time to start making friends with other parents came when our oldest started public school here in Montreal.
It's going to be a great adventure!
posted by 256 at 1:43 PM on June 21, 2017
Oh and also agreeing with xo: when we moved Philly to Toronto, my wife went ahead one week early with the baby and essential baby gear, and then I did all the packing and actual moving myself. It was easier for all three of us that way, I'm sure.
posted by 256 at 1:51 PM on June 21, 2017
posted by 256 at 1:51 PM on June 21, 2017
Ask your mom and sister to ask friends if they can borrow baby gear. For those of us who are between kids, our gear is just taking up valuable storage space anyway, so we're happy to lend it or give it away. Same with clothes. Trust me, don't let your mom go hog wild buying baby stuff that you're just going to need to try to sell in 6 months. Don't even think about shipping baby gear home, that's madness.
If you will be in the LA area memail me, I can hook you up with various groups and consignment sales.
As far as making friends goes; well, the first three months we really nested and rarely went out. The next few months we went to mommy & me classes, but then after each of our kids was about 12mos we put them in daycare, and that's where we've made our lasting friends (protip: try to find a daycare that feeds to your neighborhood elementary school). Definitely go to mommy & me here though just to get yourself out of the house and to make a few friends.
Living with family can be tough. I'll just say this, start having conversations now with your mother about boundaries and things like whether you plan to nurse or sleep train and introduce her to the idea that she has had her chance to be a parent, and that now it's your turn to be a parent (hopefully you have a much better dynamic with your mom than we had at our house).
posted by vignettist at 2:16 PM on June 21, 2017
If you will be in the LA area memail me, I can hook you up with various groups and consignment sales.
As far as making friends goes; well, the first three months we really nested and rarely went out. The next few months we went to mommy & me classes, but then after each of our kids was about 12mos we put them in daycare, and that's where we've made our lasting friends (protip: try to find a daycare that feeds to your neighborhood elementary school). Definitely go to mommy & me here though just to get yourself out of the house and to make a few friends.
Living with family can be tough. I'll just say this, start having conversations now with your mother about boundaries and things like whether you plan to nurse or sleep train and introduce her to the idea that she has had her chance to be a parent, and that now it's your turn to be a parent (hopefully you have a much better dynamic with your mom than we had at our house).
posted by vignettist at 2:16 PM on June 21, 2017
Response by poster: Thanks for all the well wishes and reassurance! Obviously we're still very new to all this.
We have a pretty good dynamic with my mom, despite some of her kookier alternative beliefs, so I'm really not too worried on that front. I know the baby will be a big, new element, but I think she's likely to be an excited, but not especially overbearing grandma.
And would a Pack and Play really be sufficient for the first 6 months or will we want to have a real crib on hand as well? And will I regret not getting a glider?
posted by Diagonalize at 3:27 PM on June 21, 2017
We have a pretty good dynamic with my mom, despite some of her kookier alternative beliefs, so I'm really not too worried on that front. I know the baby will be a big, new element, but I think she's likely to be an excited, but not especially overbearing grandma.
And would a Pack and Play really be sufficient for the first 6 months or will we want to have a real crib on hand as well? And will I regret not getting a glider?
posted by Diagonalize at 3:27 PM on June 21, 2017
"Setting up a nursery", IMO, is a luxury reserved for people who (1) get to live in the same residence for their kid's entire young childhood and (2) have the space to do so. I know the idea of setting one up is SUPER FUN but you totally don't have to and in fact the prospect of having to pick up and move shortly after your kid's birth is a great disincentive to go overboard on it. Being one of those people who had to move interstate once and internationally once before my daughter was 18 months old, in everything from a small city apartment to a 4 bedroom house, it made it easy for me to be pretty minimalist.
We had to move interstate when my daughter was 8 weeks old. Until then, she slept in our room in a Chicco pack'n'play, which had an integrated bassinet (saves your back when constantly picking a baby up and putting it down over and over) and a diaper change table that flipped up over onto the rails of the pack'n'play, so we didn't even need a separate change table. Made all the basics uber portable when we moved and had none of our other goods for a couple of weeks. I'd highly, highly recommend this, versus getting a large fancy crib you'd have to move and fit into someone else's space. We did eventually get a real crib for her but the pack'n'play would have lasted plenty longer if we needed it to. In your position I'd likely keep my kid in it for the duration of the sabbatical. (My daughter spent about six weeks sleeping in her pack'n'play again around 18 months old during our latest move, and she was totally fine, except for the fact that by then she'd learned to climb out and life is a lot harder when your kid can't be fenced in any longer)
It was sort of annoying to me during early nursing to not have one of those lovely nursery rocker seats but it was fine, I just sat on the couch. We didn't have a dresser for her clothes until she was a few months old - we just shoved a bunch of stuff over in one of our drawers and stuffed hers in. Newborn clothes are tiny. Babies need some stuff, but they don't need a lot of furniture, and that will make this move easier.
Other than that, we had a basic set of clothes (most of which we inherited from my SIL whose son was a year older), a couple of handy toy-like things like a bouncer seat, a babygym mat, a few rattles/balls/etc. Weather is likely to be really different on one coast compared to the other so it's easier to buy climate-specific clothes once you get there, rather than stocking up in advance. Food-related stuff likely won't be needed until you're closer to your move, anyway. The BuyNothing group in my city (SF) is ridiculous in terms of how much stuff is given away, so if you'll be nearly a fairly good sized city that has one of these groups, it should be incredibly easy to get stuff for nothing as you need it.
I wouldn't worry too too much on the social front - it will certainly be hard*er*, maybe, than someone who's in the same place for two years, but (contrary to what everyone says) I actually found even having any sort of conversation with other parents hard until my kid could do things like play at a playground with other kids without me hovering nearby, and I don't think that was at all affected by my moving around. Especially if you have some built-in childcare in the form of family nearby or even in-house, you'll be able to do some normal-person socialization things (WITHOUT your kid! WITHOUT focusing on kids! OMG!) to make friends on your own terms.
posted by olinerd at 3:32 PM on June 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
We had to move interstate when my daughter was 8 weeks old. Until then, she slept in our room in a Chicco pack'n'play, which had an integrated bassinet (saves your back when constantly picking a baby up and putting it down over and over) and a diaper change table that flipped up over onto the rails of the pack'n'play, so we didn't even need a separate change table. Made all the basics uber portable when we moved and had none of our other goods for a couple of weeks. I'd highly, highly recommend this, versus getting a large fancy crib you'd have to move and fit into someone else's space. We did eventually get a real crib for her but the pack'n'play would have lasted plenty longer if we needed it to. In your position I'd likely keep my kid in it for the duration of the sabbatical. (My daughter spent about six weeks sleeping in her pack'n'play again around 18 months old during our latest move, and she was totally fine, except for the fact that by then she'd learned to climb out and life is a lot harder when your kid can't be fenced in any longer)
It was sort of annoying to me during early nursing to not have one of those lovely nursery rocker seats but it was fine, I just sat on the couch. We didn't have a dresser for her clothes until she was a few months old - we just shoved a bunch of stuff over in one of our drawers and stuffed hers in. Newborn clothes are tiny. Babies need some stuff, but they don't need a lot of furniture, and that will make this move easier.
Other than that, we had a basic set of clothes (most of which we inherited from my SIL whose son was a year older), a couple of handy toy-like things like a bouncer seat, a babygym mat, a few rattles/balls/etc. Weather is likely to be really different on one coast compared to the other so it's easier to buy climate-specific clothes once you get there, rather than stocking up in advance. Food-related stuff likely won't be needed until you're closer to your move, anyway. The BuyNothing group in my city (SF) is ridiculous in terms of how much stuff is given away, so if you'll be nearly a fairly good sized city that has one of these groups, it should be incredibly easy to get stuff for nothing as you need it.
I wouldn't worry too too much on the social front - it will certainly be hard*er*, maybe, than someone who's in the same place for two years, but (contrary to what everyone says) I actually found even having any sort of conversation with other parents hard until my kid could do things like play at a playground with other kids without me hovering nearby, and I don't think that was at all affected by my moving around. Especially if you have some built-in childcare in the form of family nearby or even in-house, you'll be able to do some normal-person socialization things (WITHOUT your kid! WITHOUT focusing on kids! OMG!) to make friends on your own terms.
posted by olinerd at 3:32 PM on June 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
We have a pretty good dynamic with my mom, despite some of her kookier alternative beliefs...
Kids can change family dynamics in big unpredictable ways. I thought I had a good relationship with my mom, she was great while I was pregnant, super excited about her first grandchild, thought she'd be a great grandmother, the whole thing. It's a long story, but some of these things have changed and the others turned out to have been not true (assumptions). My mom has her own baggage and kooky beliefs that have made this very difficult for us. Please, please have a backup plan in case living together proves to be too much. Have an excuse up your sleeve (we really need to be closer to the lab...) that you can use before things get "really bad".
Please also know that babies can be challenging and you will be creating a new family dynamic between the three of you. Make sure you have some privacy for when you and your husband need to discuss co-sleeping, mastitis, argue about when to introduce solids, or have a good cry. Also be prepared to set firm boundaries, and have a plan for when mom starts suggesting you apply her "kooky beliefs" to your baby.
My kid moved at 10 weeks and 16 months and it was fine! As long as mom and dad are there and you're ok, baby will be okay too. I loved having a baby in an urban area, very convenient! You'll have a great time.
(And yeah, the California farming town not anywhere near the beach that I grew up in would give any Midwest town a run for their money. I actually really love the upper Midwest. Seriously - "girls" and whatnot are the same everywhere.)
posted by jrobin276 at 4:17 PM on June 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
Kids can change family dynamics in big unpredictable ways. I thought I had a good relationship with my mom, she was great while I was pregnant, super excited about her first grandchild, thought she'd be a great grandmother, the whole thing. It's a long story, but some of these things have changed and the others turned out to have been not true (assumptions). My mom has her own baggage and kooky beliefs that have made this very difficult for us. Please, please have a backup plan in case living together proves to be too much. Have an excuse up your sleeve (we really need to be closer to the lab...) that you can use before things get "really bad".
Please also know that babies can be challenging and you will be creating a new family dynamic between the three of you. Make sure you have some privacy for when you and your husband need to discuss co-sleeping, mastitis, argue about when to introduce solids, or have a good cry. Also be prepared to set firm boundaries, and have a plan for when mom starts suggesting you apply her "kooky beliefs" to your baby.
My kid moved at 10 weeks and 16 months and it was fine! As long as mom and dad are there and you're ok, baby will be okay too. I loved having a baby in an urban area, very convenient! You'll have a great time.
(And yeah, the California farming town not anywhere near the beach that I grew up in would give any Midwest town a run for their money. I actually really love the upper Midwest. Seriously - "girls" and whatnot are the same everywhere.)
posted by jrobin276 at 4:17 PM on June 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
A pack and play is fine- totally fine. My oldest only had a pack and play. There are ones that have a changing table attachment, and a bassinet attachment- both are good for newborns. You can get away with just having a snap and go stroller that is used with the baby's car seat. The only other thing to get is another place to put the baby- a bouncy seat or swing- if you can get these second hand and see what the baby likes better, that is idea.
You might regret not getting a glider, and you also might get a baby who hates the glider. Focus on setting up a better space at your mom's, but as others have suggested, try and borrow or get second hand as much as you can. Really.
posted by momochan at 4:20 PM on June 21, 2017
You might regret not getting a glider, and you also might get a baby who hates the glider. Focus on setting up a better space at your mom's, but as others have suggested, try and borrow or get second hand as much as you can. Really.
posted by momochan at 4:20 PM on June 21, 2017
SAHM/spouse of an academic here. We moved at 12 months, 3 years, and 3.5 years. Only after the last move did we 'set up a nursery'. We still mainly use it to stash toys. I wouldn't worry about stuff very much. Baby stuff is abundant and mostly unnecessary.
I wouldn't worry about parent-socializing at all - even as an introvert IMHO it's simple to make parent friends at least up until they're in elementary school, which is when you're kind of stuck with that group. It's work, yes, but it's not particularly difficult if you make an effort.
The one thing I *would* worry about and, honestly, never ever do even though my MIL is as good as they get, would be the living situation. Kids change sooo much and kinda shake up every in-law relationship...it's a wildcard. Sure you can try, but I would make sure there's a plan B for you to move out if it doesn't work (and for that I'd budget financially, as well as make sure that husband is 100% on board with this and understands that it might be a real possibility - even if you get along with your inlaws, living together might just not work out). But that's just me. I grew up in a house with a lot of passive (and not so passive) aggressive fighting and can't stand being stuck with people who don't get along - maybe you're more robust in that regard.
posted by The Toad at 5:56 PM on June 21, 2017 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't worry about parent-socializing at all - even as an introvert IMHO it's simple to make parent friends at least up until they're in elementary school, which is when you're kind of stuck with that group. It's work, yes, but it's not particularly difficult if you make an effort.
The one thing I *would* worry about and, honestly, never ever do even though my MIL is as good as they get, would be the living situation. Kids change sooo much and kinda shake up every in-law relationship...it's a wildcard. Sure you can try, but I would make sure there's a plan B for you to move out if it doesn't work (and for that I'd budget financially, as well as make sure that husband is 100% on board with this and understands that it might be a real possibility - even if you get along with your inlaws, living together might just not work out). But that's just me. I grew up in a house with a lot of passive (and not so passive) aggressive fighting and can't stand being stuck with people who don't get along - maybe you're more robust in that regard.
posted by The Toad at 5:56 PM on June 21, 2017 [1 favorite]
We are stationary parents of an 8 month old, but do not have a nursery or glider. Got a crib at 6 months for sleep training and because he started rolling and crawling - before that we co-slept. Nursed on the couch or in bed. The crib and a dresser that we use as a changing table are in my bedroom, and it's not that big a bedroom, only 10x 11 ft. You'll be fine for space / items. When they become more mobile it's nice to have a baby proof space, but before that it's not really necessary.
posted by permiechickie at 6:20 PM on June 21, 2017
posted by permiechickie at 6:20 PM on June 21, 2017
Based on collective family experience, I echo the following: don't over equip in the first 6 months, move the baby separately from your stuff.
posted by SemiSalt at 10:37 AM on June 22, 2017
posted by SemiSalt at 10:37 AM on June 22, 2017
Re: the inlaws aspect, a friend of mine recently became a grandmother and she enrolled in a baby class specifically for grandparents at her children's request. It was called something evocative like "We don't do things that way anymore: a class for grandparents." It sounded like it was helpful for all parties involved.
posted by purple_bird at 11:05 AM on June 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by purple_bird at 11:05 AM on June 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
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One thing I learned is that we packed WAY too much. There will be clothes in CA and really, you'll be doing so much laundry anyway you might as well not buy an entire wardrobe for the babe at first, especially anything for the seasons when you'll be in CA.
There's no special window to make parent friends, I promise you. People move in and out of neighborhoods all the time and truthfully, the parent friends you make when the babe is small might not even be the parent friends you have when your kid starts kindergarten. As a matter of fact, I met one of my very best parent friends when our kids were 9th graders (they'll be seniors in the fall). We discovered how much alike we are and now we have lunch together some days during the work week, we joined the Theatre Boosters club at school, and we even went on a trip together to Chicago with the kids to see Hamilton.
The most important thing to do is be flexible.
posted by cooker girl at 12:23 PM on June 21, 2017 [4 favorites]