Tips for dealing with seeing my abuser at my own wedding?
June 11, 2017 11:57 PM Subscribe
traumafilter warning: abuse, incest. I will see my abuser at my own wedding and im not sure how to proceed. Any advice or practical tips at all are much apprciated.
I was in denial for roughly twenty years about what happened. When I was about 13, I told my mom that my brother sexually assaulted me, and she didnt believe me. In fact she almost fired my therapist at the time for "planting" the thought in my head. I did confront my brother a few years ago, and told him he hurt me when i was young, but i was very vague to him about what it was that he did. He apologized for hurting me, but i am still angry at him. I still feel like its unresolved. That was the most i've spoken to family about it. My entire family is of the dysfunctional alcoholic type. I've had therapists who believed me and those who didnt. For years it was just never the right time to deal with my pain. Luckily i live far away from my family and rarely see any of them.
So, fast forward, I am getting married and i invited my abuser. Not my smartest move, admittedly. I had this wistful romantic dream that i *should* see my family all together. I guess i was feeling optimistic. Anyway, please assume that for i cannot un-invite him last minute. I think the rift that would cause in my family would be much greater than any pain i will deal with from seeing him. And my family thought i was such a drama queen growing up (yep, i was the scapegoat and identified patient!) so i've learned to resist that old role and try not to make waves. I am not certain how much i want to detach from my family of origin and want to work on figuring that out with a therapist in the near future.
I am just wondering how i can reduce the pain of seeing him there. In particular, i have a strong hunch he will stand up and make a speech about how we were such close siblings and that he was my champion and protector growing up (really gross lies). Or make a joke about kicking my husband's ass if he hurts me (by the way, i have absolutely no doubts about the future hubby. He is a complete mensch and i just told him about the abuse and he's been supportive). My abuser is not a very bright person and has very little emotional or social intelligence. My mom is narcissistic, my father is a ragey drunk, and they are all fairly delusional and were weirdly obsessive about maintaining a proper image of a "happy family." My abuser recently told my mom that he thinks my soon-to-be-husband is "replacing him." She told me this like "isnt that cute how attached your brother is to you!" Growing up everyone in my family acted like my father and brother owned me and hearing that he still belives that makes me feel ill.
I just cant stand the thought of acting grateful or happy as my abuser lies to everyone's face. Some of my friends do know he abused me and i could possibly ask them to be liasons. I am just not sure exactly what to ask for or what the plan of action is. I am just beginning to deal with this stuff. I wish i had just eloped but the wedding is so soon that i cant cancel. Please help. Thank you!
I was in denial for roughly twenty years about what happened. When I was about 13, I told my mom that my brother sexually assaulted me, and she didnt believe me. In fact she almost fired my therapist at the time for "planting" the thought in my head. I did confront my brother a few years ago, and told him he hurt me when i was young, but i was very vague to him about what it was that he did. He apologized for hurting me, but i am still angry at him. I still feel like its unresolved. That was the most i've spoken to family about it. My entire family is of the dysfunctional alcoholic type. I've had therapists who believed me and those who didnt. For years it was just never the right time to deal with my pain. Luckily i live far away from my family and rarely see any of them.
So, fast forward, I am getting married and i invited my abuser. Not my smartest move, admittedly. I had this wistful romantic dream that i *should* see my family all together. I guess i was feeling optimistic. Anyway, please assume that for i cannot un-invite him last minute. I think the rift that would cause in my family would be much greater than any pain i will deal with from seeing him. And my family thought i was such a drama queen growing up (yep, i was the scapegoat and identified patient!) so i've learned to resist that old role and try not to make waves. I am not certain how much i want to detach from my family of origin and want to work on figuring that out with a therapist in the near future.
I am just wondering how i can reduce the pain of seeing him there. In particular, i have a strong hunch he will stand up and make a speech about how we were such close siblings and that he was my champion and protector growing up (really gross lies). Or make a joke about kicking my husband's ass if he hurts me (by the way, i have absolutely no doubts about the future hubby. He is a complete mensch and i just told him about the abuse and he's been supportive). My abuser is not a very bright person and has very little emotional or social intelligence. My mom is narcissistic, my father is a ragey drunk, and they are all fairly delusional and were weirdly obsessive about maintaining a proper image of a "happy family." My abuser recently told my mom that he thinks my soon-to-be-husband is "replacing him." She told me this like "isnt that cute how attached your brother is to you!" Growing up everyone in my family acted like my father and brother owned me and hearing that he still belives that makes me feel ill.
I just cant stand the thought of acting grateful or happy as my abuser lies to everyone's face. Some of my friends do know he abused me and i could possibly ask them to be liasons. I am just not sure exactly what to ask for or what the plan of action is. I am just beginning to deal with this stuff. I wish i had just eloped but the wedding is so soon that i cant cancel. Please help. Thank you!
first, start the reception with an announcement that there will be only a few speeches; anyone you would like to hear speak you arrange that ahead of time, so people getting up and speaking off-the-cuff is discouraged. Secondly, get those friends to act as bouncers - enlist them to keep him away from you all night, and also, arrange something fun and rowdy for them to start doing if he tries to stand up and give a speech anyway. Like, they all start boisterously singing your favourite song. With the help of your friends, you can totally turn this into a funny game that you will laugh about for years.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:37 AM on June 12, 2017 [16 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:37 AM on June 12, 2017 [16 favorites]
I feel like a team of agents would be really handy here, if it's possible. The great thing about weddings is you're surrounded by hundreds of people who are on your side and want things to go extremely well. Do you have a few good friends who could be your security guards and 1) Keep bro away from you, and 2) Stop him from making a speech? Yes, this is a bit of a responsibility for them, but if you frame it as them saving your wedding day, I reckon they would relish the challenge. They wouldn't even need to know the details of why, if that isn't a road you want to go down.
posted by matthew.alexander at 1:51 AM on June 12, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by matthew.alexander at 1:51 AM on June 12, 2017 [10 favorites]
Yeah, enlisting friends who are aware of the situation as buffers/minders/bouncers is about the only solution if you'll allow your family to attend. Choose the bossiest friends you have for the task. Tell them their main goal should be to create as much distance and minimize all contact between you and your family during the whole time. Make sure your friends know that you don't mind them potentially causing your family to be offended. They should immediately swoop in to rescue you from any conversation attempts. Seat your family as far away from you as you can, in a direction you're not facing - hell, bring in a huge potted plant, a strategically placed room divider, a chalk board with the menu, or a canvas with the seating chart on it to block the view if you must. Have your friends instruct your family beforehand (and repeat on the day itself) that no unplanned speeches are to be given, and to interrupt if your family disobeys. Your friends could even have a spontaneous musical number, a silly quizz or a juggling act prepared just in case - whatever it takes. Or if all else fails, to come and whisper in your ear about some urgent matter that needs attending to so you can excuse yourself and step outside during an unwelcome speech.
That's working from the premise that cancelling your family's attendance is not an option, as you said. No reasonable person would blame you if you told these family members not to come, though, no matter how last minute. Personally, the way you describe them, I think working towards having the courage to completely cut them off would be a sensible, healthy goal for you in therapy. I understand if you're not quite there yet, but this is never going to be the family you deserved all along. I'm sorry.
I just cant stand the thought of acting grateful or happy as my abuser lies to everyone's face.
If that happens, despite all the precautions, you don't have to pretend. Allow yourself to just look neutral. Or bored or distracted. Or even to have a WTF frown on your face. You wouldn't be the first bride in the world to not pay attention to or even roll their eyes at a speech, and your reason to do it would be even more valid than most people's. Think of it as a small act of defiance, a babystep towards reclaiming your voice. You can even practice it beforehand.
And my family thought i was such a drama queen growing up (yep, i was the scapegoat and identified patient!) so i've learned to resist that old role and try not to make waves.
Yup, that's what they do to a sane person in a sick system. It must have hurt you deeply, and I imagine the resulting self-doubt also runs deep. That really sucks. But you're working on it now and sooner or later, you'll find your footing.
Congratulations on your wedding!
PS. Never again work with a therapist who doesn't believe you.
posted by sively at 1:55 AM on June 12, 2017 [12 favorites]
That's working from the premise that cancelling your family's attendance is not an option, as you said. No reasonable person would blame you if you told these family members not to come, though, no matter how last minute. Personally, the way you describe them, I think working towards having the courage to completely cut them off would be a sensible, healthy goal for you in therapy. I understand if you're not quite there yet, but this is never going to be the family you deserved all along. I'm sorry.
I just cant stand the thought of acting grateful or happy as my abuser lies to everyone's face.
If that happens, despite all the precautions, you don't have to pretend. Allow yourself to just look neutral. Or bored or distracted. Or even to have a WTF frown on your face. You wouldn't be the first bride in the world to not pay attention to or even roll their eyes at a speech, and your reason to do it would be even more valid than most people's. Think of it as a small act of defiance, a babystep towards reclaiming your voice. You can even practice it beforehand.
And my family thought i was such a drama queen growing up (yep, i was the scapegoat and identified patient!) so i've learned to resist that old role and try not to make waves.
Yup, that's what they do to a sane person in a sick system. It must have hurt you deeply, and I imagine the resulting self-doubt also runs deep. That really sucks. But you're working on it now and sooner or later, you'll find your footing.
Congratulations on your wedding!
PS. Never again work with a therapist who doesn't believe you.
posted by sively at 1:55 AM on June 12, 2017 [12 favorites]
Another factor to consider -- photographs.
If you don't want to have your brother in your wedding photos, or don't want to have a scene regarding having your brother in your wedding photos, you may want to talk to your photographer in advance about either not doing the usual family photos (bride and groom and bride's parents, bride and groom and groom's parents, bride and groom and bride's whole family, bride and groom and groom's whole family, etc, etc, etc) or doing a much smaller than usual list of them that does not include any 'and my whole family shots'.
Another alternative might be to have the photographer *take* those pictures, but ask them specifically not to make them available for people to view or order after the fact so you don't have to see them after the fact.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:06 AM on June 12, 2017 [17 favorites]
If you don't want to have your brother in your wedding photos, or don't want to have a scene regarding having your brother in your wedding photos, you may want to talk to your photographer in advance about either not doing the usual family photos (bride and groom and bride's parents, bride and groom and groom's parents, bride and groom and bride's whole family, bride and groom and groom's whole family, etc, etc, etc) or doing a much smaller than usual list of them that does not include any 'and my whole family shots'.
Another alternative might be to have the photographer *take* those pictures, but ask them specifically not to make them available for people to view or order after the fact so you don't have to see them after the fact.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:06 AM on June 12, 2017 [17 favorites]
Everyone's suggestion to gather friends around you for protection/support/distraction/control is spot on. Traditionally this would be the job of the maid of honor and the rest of the wedding party, to protect you from assholes and things going wrong at your wedding, but if the members of your wedding party have personalities that don't work well with that responsibility then you can deputize others. But the maid of honor and best man have a certain authority that your appearance-focused family might accept more willingly.
Please also be very clear and forthcoming with the staff, like the photographer, head of waitstaff, if you have a party MC or a band leader. This won't be the first time they deal with things like this and it won't be the last. Skilled event staff can be invaluable. From the MC switching to a fast song if they see your abuser trying to dance with you, to wait staff serving them cake quickly so they get distracted and go sit down, to the photographer arranging photos so nobody you don't want near you ever is pictured that way, if you have the strength and confidence to be upfront with them they will do their utmost to help you out as best they can. Bartenders, especially, will be adept at managing your alcoholic family, if you identify them.
posted by Mizu at 3:12 AM on June 12, 2017 [4 favorites]
Please also be very clear and forthcoming with the staff, like the photographer, head of waitstaff, if you have a party MC or a band leader. This won't be the first time they deal with things like this and it won't be the last. Skilled event staff can be invaluable. From the MC switching to a fast song if they see your abuser trying to dance with you, to wait staff serving them cake quickly so they get distracted and go sit down, to the photographer arranging photos so nobody you don't want near you ever is pictured that way, if you have the strength and confidence to be upfront with them they will do their utmost to help you out as best they can. Bartenders, especially, will be adept at managing your alcoholic family, if you identify them.
posted by Mizu at 3:12 AM on June 12, 2017 [4 favorites]
Nthing to recruit your friends as protection and support. I've done this myself (been support/a bouncer) for family members back in the day, so can attest it is indeed A Thing and that people who care genuinely will have your back on your wedding day.
Mizu's idea to also talk to staff about it is great. Don't worry about putting things out there: people in service jobs have seen everything. It's honestly a relief to have a customer who points out potential trouble and gives guidance on how they want it handled. It makes the job easier, not harder.
If at any time you need a break, by all means say so to your husband. I've seen spouses do this at weddings and again, so long as it's not a visible surprise (i.e. the other spouse is okay), it's pretty unremarkable. It's a big day, anxiety is to be expected, people will go with the flow.
posted by fraula at 3:59 AM on June 12, 2017 [4 favorites]
Mizu's idea to also talk to staff about it is great. Don't worry about putting things out there: people in service jobs have seen everything. It's honestly a relief to have a customer who points out potential trouble and gives guidance on how they want it handled. It makes the job easier, not harder.
If at any time you need a break, by all means say so to your husband. I've seen spouses do this at weddings and again, so long as it's not a visible surprise (i.e. the other spouse is okay), it's pretty unremarkable. It's a big day, anxiety is to be expected, people will go with the flow.
posted by fraula at 3:59 AM on June 12, 2017 [4 favorites]
No speeches. (Arrange this by speaking to the disk jockey and tell him her that the music MUST be on to prevent this. If you want your mentor Old Aunt Liz to say a speech set it up with the disk jockey that when you signal the music stops and when Aunt Liz stops the music starts, loudly.)
No photographs (Except you and spouse. You photographer will be happy to comply. Why waste film on shots you will absolutely not pay for?)
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:11 AM on June 12, 2017 [1 favorite]
No photographs (Except you and spouse. You photographer will be happy to comply. Why waste film on shots you will absolutely not pay for?)
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:11 AM on June 12, 2017 [1 favorite]
Uninvite him. Tell him why.
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:25 AM on June 12, 2017 [43 favorites]
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:25 AM on June 12, 2017 [43 favorites]
If there's some kind of amplification system for speech, make sure you have nearly-instantaneous control over it. Since you're the bride, that will probably mean having a good understanding with the AV person, possibly with hand signals, and vetting that person so that they will take you seriously.
Also, you'll need to prepare what you or they will say afterward if such a problem happens. Maybe "I don't care about that, it's a party, let's dance!" or "I have prepared that alcoholic beverage you love - drink up!" or "I'm the bride and I'm focused on the future, not what just happened with the AV system. Please indulge me and go have a fun time." For the AV person: "anonymous told me to send everyone asking about that to the bar. I feel bad enough, I guess, so let's just focus on the happy couple and do you want to request a song?"
posted by amtho at 4:36 AM on June 12, 2017
Also, you'll need to prepare what you or they will say afterward if such a problem happens. Maybe "I don't care about that, it's a party, let's dance!" or "I have prepared that alcoholic beverage you love - drink up!" or "I'm the bride and I'm focused on the future, not what just happened with the AV system. Please indulge me and go have a fun time." For the AV person: "anonymous told me to send everyone asking about that to the bar. I feel bad enough, I guess, so let's just focus on the happy couple and do you want to request a song?"
posted by amtho at 4:36 AM on June 12, 2017
Snickerdoodle is so spot on with this. I know you say you can't I invite him/them, but really you can. How they handle it is up to them. You really want a wedding that is you, your love, your friends and the family who support you- no one else. It's a day to celebrate you and your (future) spouse and if they can't see that and get past their own bullshit they don't need to be there. You will regret having your abuser at your wedding, because every single time you think of that beautiful day, his face will be superimposed on it.
posted by PorcineWithMe at 4:58 AM on June 12, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by PorcineWithMe at 4:58 AM on June 12, 2017 [5 favorites]
You mention eloping. You can do both: You can go to a courthouse and get "for real" married with your spouse (and maybe even close friends who can keep a secret) and then have the other wedding be "for show." I had friends who did this when they realized their planned wedding had gotten out of control and was no longer about them. Getting secretly married beforehand allowed them to focus on one another for that ceremony and share in a delightful secret during the stressful ceremony. I believe they told their officiant so he wouldn't bother with the legal paper side of things.
When I read your question, I get the sense that your brother and family have taken your control away from you over and over again. I am thinking this might help because you will be totally in control of what does and doesn't happen at this proposed secret ceremony.
posted by CMcG at 5:37 AM on June 12, 2017 [23 favorites]
When I read your question, I get the sense that your brother and family have taken your control away from you over and over again. I am thinking this might help because you will be totally in control of what does and doesn't happen at this proposed secret ceremony.
posted by CMcG at 5:37 AM on June 12, 2017 [23 favorites]
my husband and his fraternity brothers have been assigned to guest control at a number of weddings. I am sure you and your husband have a group of loud, bossy friends who would be happy to do the same thing for you. I hope you are able to have a wonderful wedding and a happy future.
posted by notjustthefish at 6:00 AM on June 12, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by notjustthefish at 6:00 AM on June 12, 2017 [1 favorite]
Uninvite him.
posted by mikek at 6:42 AM on June 12, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by mikek at 6:42 AM on June 12, 2017 [4 favorites]
My brother missed my wedding because he was more than an hour late. The world didn't end. I don't even think he remembers now, as it was decades ago.
Since you are reluctant to uninvite your bro, I'm personally cool if your husband goes over and slugs your brother, but I guess that's a crime. Maybe shoving him out the door at the first sign of trouble is the compromise? (Threaten him before the event?)
And I think these suggestions are not in your comfort zone, so I agree that "bouncer" friends and staff interventions can be something you plan that give you peace of mind, even if you don't end up needing them. Also, some planned diversion tactics, like knocking over a glass of water and dashing to the bathroom, or something else.
posted by puddledork at 6:46 AM on June 12, 2017
Since you are reluctant to uninvite your bro, I'm personally cool if your husband goes over and slugs your brother, but I guess that's a crime. Maybe shoving him out the door at the first sign of trouble is the compromise? (Threaten him before the event?)
And I think these suggestions are not in your comfort zone, so I agree that "bouncer" friends and staff interventions can be something you plan that give you peace of mind, even if you don't end up needing them. Also, some planned diversion tactics, like knocking over a glass of water and dashing to the bathroom, or something else.
posted by puddledork at 6:46 AM on June 12, 2017
Elope, elope, elope! Be wildly romantic and run away and elope.
If you don't have the practical and emotional resources now to deal with facing up to the family confrontation over abuse and incest, together with wedding and marriage - and that would be an absolutely enormous amount of work for even the calmest and most peaceful times - then give yourself and your husband the best gift by starting fresh with an elopement. Spend the wedding money you can get back minus any deposits lost (think of it as money saved for therapy) on a honeymoon and have a lovely party when you get back where you can invite a much smaller group without him.
Your family, if they were kind and gracious people, would understand uninviting him. The way they've acted, I can understand as a fellow Fucked Up Families person, being petrified of uninviting him and preferring to just suffer through over the storm unleashed at daring to speak up.
So give them a public excuse that you're crazy-romantic and eloped, and give yourself a wedding without your abuser. You deserve more.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:46 AM on June 12, 2017 [8 favorites]
If you don't have the practical and emotional resources now to deal with facing up to the family confrontation over abuse and incest, together with wedding and marriage - and that would be an absolutely enormous amount of work for even the calmest and most peaceful times - then give yourself and your husband the best gift by starting fresh with an elopement. Spend the wedding money you can get back minus any deposits lost (think of it as money saved for therapy) on a honeymoon and have a lovely party when you get back where you can invite a much smaller group without him.
Your family, if they were kind and gracious people, would understand uninviting him. The way they've acted, I can understand as a fellow Fucked Up Families person, being petrified of uninviting him and preferring to just suffer through over the storm unleashed at daring to speak up.
So give them a public excuse that you're crazy-romantic and eloped, and give yourself a wedding without your abuser. You deserve more.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:46 AM on June 12, 2017 [8 favorites]
This is maybe not the answer you were looking for, but you might consider going down to the court house a couple of days or weeks ahead of the ceremony date and eloping with your beloved anyway, even if you don't cancel the wedding. That way you and he will have a special day that is just for the two of you, and that doesn't include any shenanigans from badly behaved guests.
posted by vignettist at 7:54 AM on June 12, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by vignettist at 7:54 AM on June 12, 2017 [2 favorites]
I get that this is a hard situation. Would your fiance be up for uninviting him, or taking the blame for it as a way of smoothing over the situation? "I know this is difficult, but my sweetie just couldn't handle how upset it was making me and they uninvited my brother." I'm sure your partner doesn't want to see you upset on your special day together, and doesn't want you reminded of past traumas when you're celebrating your future together.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:01 AM on June 12, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 8:01 AM on June 12, 2017 [2 favorites]
Cancel the wedding and elope? I know it probably doesn't seem like a viable option, but it is.
I'm sorry you went through this. I hope you're seeing a therapist, it can be a real help.
posted by Cranialtorque at 8:21 AM on June 12, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry you went through this. I hope you're seeing a therapist, it can be a real help.
posted by Cranialtorque at 8:21 AM on June 12, 2017 [2 favorites]
Uninvite him. You don't have to tell him why, you can just say I've changed my mind. You don't have to talk to him to do it, get fiancee to do it or do it by mail/text. bile & syntaxes excuse is a good one to smooth things over. Block him on all social media. Hire a bouncer or 2 for the night, give them a photo & get them to handle any situation that may arise if they turn up.
If he's already cast his shadow over the big event, have a mini elopement at the courthourse a few days before with just you guys & a few close family friends. Then consider the wedding a big old party so there isn't so much pressure on it to be perfect.
posted by wwax at 8:22 AM on June 12, 2017 [3 favorites]
If he's already cast his shadow over the big event, have a mini elopement at the courthourse a few days before with just you guys & a few close family friends. Then consider the wedding a big old party so there isn't so much pressure on it to be perfect.
posted by wwax at 8:22 AM on June 12, 2017 [3 favorites]
Is there another sibling, aunt, uncle, cousin, or family friend who can help? Call brother. Tell him you'd really prefer he not attend. Ask him to have an episode of food poisoning or other fake, quick illness. Then ask the family buddy to make sure this happens. This is your wedding, and this is your life. You deserved to be believed. You deserve to be believed now. You are accepting your family's disbelief because they pressure you with emotional abandonment. Hey, that really sucks. It has sucked for a long time. They aren't giving you the respect you deserve, they don't seem to value you. You know how to get people to take you seriously? Start by taking yourself seriously. Start by valuing yourself and requiring respect.
What if, right now, you just can't do this and you decide to allow brother to attend? Tell him he can't even think about making a speech. Get family buddy to be your enforcer and keep brother from speeching.
I hope the wedding, reception, honeymoon, and life are wonderful.
posted by theora55 at 9:53 AM on June 12, 2017 [1 favorite]
What if, right now, you just can't do this and you decide to allow brother to attend? Tell him he can't even think about making a speech. Get family buddy to be your enforcer and keep brother from speeching.
I hope the wedding, reception, honeymoon, and life are wonderful.
posted by theora55 at 9:53 AM on June 12, 2017 [1 favorite]
I think a combination of the strategies above works -- prior warning, either to all family members or to your brother specifically, that there aren't any speeches/toasts other than the planned ones; DJ prepped to keep the music playing (or for something else amplified to happen) if your brother tries to speak; and groomsman/best man prepped to watch him and shush/remove him from the reception, whatever's necessary, if he starts trying to talk. And this should all be something the wedding party does without making it your problem at all on the day -- they don't need to know why, just that he's going to be a problem if he talks so it's their job to smoothly make it not happen.
posted by LizardBreath at 10:09 AM on June 12, 2017
posted by LizardBreath at 10:09 AM on June 12, 2017
My mom is narcissistic, my father is a ragey drunk, and they are all fairly delusional and were weirdly obsessive about maintaining a proper image of a "happy family."
This is extremely common, both in families where there is alcoholism and/or abuse. Families where an alcoholic parent is present typically have secrets upon secrets. Hiding what is going on behind closed doors becomes of paramount importance -- the entire family gets roped into lying and presenting a happy front for public consumption. An enabling parent or sibling often takes it upon themselves to gaslight other members of the family in order to make them question reality. So you get dismissively labeled a drama queen because they can't have you speaking the truth. And they preserve the status quo.
In your place, I would uninvite him. It's your day, your party, your celebration and you really can do whatever the heck you want here.
If that simply isn't possible, then, as others have said, enlist your friends and even other family members to control the situation. Give them jobs to do. Consider asking a friend to help keep your brother busy and out of trouble throughout the service and reception. Have them control the A/V and the schedule. Speak with the band or DJ in advance about what is and isn't allowed. I would be willing to bet that they've done it before.
Your wedding party is there to help you and your fiance have a spectacular day. Use them. Lean on them. They're your guard dogs, your buffers, your loving support system and the people who take care of the minor and major problems in the background that you won't even know about. Things happened at my wedding that I didn't find out about for weeks or months. My groomsmen and my wife's bridesmaids stepped in and dealt with them out of our sight.
I wish you luck, joy, success and the happiness you clearly deserve. As well as a life entirely free of having to deal with him ever again.
posted by zarq at 1:16 PM on June 12, 2017 [1 favorite]
This is extremely common, both in families where there is alcoholism and/or abuse. Families where an alcoholic parent is present typically have secrets upon secrets. Hiding what is going on behind closed doors becomes of paramount importance -- the entire family gets roped into lying and presenting a happy front for public consumption. An enabling parent or sibling often takes it upon themselves to gaslight other members of the family in order to make them question reality. So you get dismissively labeled a drama queen because they can't have you speaking the truth. And they preserve the status quo.
In your place, I would uninvite him. It's your day, your party, your celebration and you really can do whatever the heck you want here.
If that simply isn't possible, then, as others have said, enlist your friends and even other family members to control the situation. Give them jobs to do. Consider asking a friend to help keep your brother busy and out of trouble throughout the service and reception. Have them control the A/V and the schedule. Speak with the band or DJ in advance about what is and isn't allowed. I would be willing to bet that they've done it before.
Your wedding party is there to help you and your fiance have a spectacular day. Use them. Lean on them. They're your guard dogs, your buffers, your loving support system and the people who take care of the minor and major problems in the background that you won't even know about. Things happened at my wedding that I didn't find out about for weeks or months. My groomsmen and my wife's bridesmaids stepped in and dealt with them out of our sight.
I wish you luck, joy, success and the happiness you clearly deserve. As well as a life entirely free of having to deal with him ever again.
posted by zarq at 1:16 PM on June 12, 2017 [1 favorite]
One more thing... regarding this:
so i've learned to resist that old role and try not to make waves. I am not certain how much i want to detach from my family of origin and want to work on figuring that out with a therapist in the near future.
You have been through therapy and I apologize in advance if you already know this. But I've found great help in learning about the Adult Children of Alcoholics laundry list. There are ACOA groups. They have meetings similar to AA or Al-Anon, but focused for people who grew up in homes where alcohol, addiction and/or abuse was present. There are also therapists who specialize in ACA and ACOA issues, who are more likely to believe and support you when you say you were abused and want to discuss and work through your experiences. (Seconding what someone said above -- PLEASE don't ever give your time or money to a therapist who dismisses your lived experiences as false.)
HelpPro may help you find an ACOA-therapist. Or Google search for ACOA and therapists in your city or town and see what turns up.
You are not alone. Good luck.
posted by zarq at 1:29 PM on June 12, 2017
so i've learned to resist that old role and try not to make waves. I am not certain how much i want to detach from my family of origin and want to work on figuring that out with a therapist in the near future.
You have been through therapy and I apologize in advance if you already know this. But I've found great help in learning about the Adult Children of Alcoholics laundry list. There are ACOA groups. They have meetings similar to AA or Al-Anon, but focused for people who grew up in homes where alcohol, addiction and/or abuse was present. There are also therapists who specialize in ACA and ACOA issues, who are more likely to believe and support you when you say you were abused and want to discuss and work through your experiences. (Seconding what someone said above -- PLEASE don't ever give your time or money to a therapist who dismisses your lived experiences as false.)
HelpPro may help you find an ACOA-therapist. Or Google search for ACOA and therapists in your city or town and see what turns up.
You are not alone. Good luck.
posted by zarq at 1:29 PM on June 12, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ryanbryan at 12:35 AM on June 12, 2017 [23 favorites]