Improved Sexuality via Independent Study
June 9, 2017 7:11 AM   Subscribe

I'm a queer woman in my early 30s not currently in a relationship. I think about sex a LOT. What can I do now (next 3-6 months?) to make partnered sex better when I am in a long-term relationship again?

I date. I hook up. I masturbate, with and without toys, with and without porn. I'm pretty thoughtful and aware of what I like and don't like in bed. But I want to go way deeper and engross myself in... myself. Both to take the pressure off of dating (w/r/t filling my needs for sensuality) and to bring more to the table once I meet someone to develop a long term sexual relationship with.

I want to be more confident, more self-possessed, more generous, give/receive more and better orgasms.

What should I be reading, online and off, to encourage this development? What are your suggestions for physical practices, writing exercises, training videos, benchmarks, goals, etc etc?

I have an above average workout regimen, and an irregular but compelling meditation practice. I'm fairly kinky and interested in digging deeper into it, but not at the expense of vanilla experiences.
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (8 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite

In terms of GIVING better orgasms, what gets different people off varies so much from person to person that I feel like that isn't really anything you can prepare for other than working on your listening skills. The more comfortable you can make your partner and the more freely you accept feedback on what makes them feel good and what they prefer (and conversely what they don't like), the better you'll do in that regard.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:41 AM on June 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

Learn to help other people feel safe. Observe them, and note what efforts are successful and unsuccessful.
posted by amtho at 7:46 AM on June 9, 2017 [4 favorites]

Giving better orgasms comes down to technique, openness (being playful, relaxed, flexible), empathy, and practice. You can work on each of these separately or together.

If making out becomes way, way hotter, you are doing it right.
posted by zippy at 9:12 AM on June 9, 2017

If you've got your book learning down (insert rec for Come As You Are), I think the other posters are right, but I'd characterize that ability as one of attunement. Listening, leaving space, helping people feel safe -- attunement will do these things. And I think it's something you can practice in every day interactions, too. (But also dancing might help?)
posted by schadenfrau at 11:34 AM on June 9, 2017 [3 favorites]

If you PM me I have a folder full of books for you...
posted by fritillary at 6:04 PM on June 9, 2017

You might consider taking up a form of partner dance. People talk about dance as the vertical expression of a horizontal desire, and I for sure feel that way. It's a celebration of bodies together mainly negotiated through touch, and it has helped me learn to listen to my partner's body, as well as my own, and to communicate more effectively with my body in the moment also. Plus it's super fun!
posted by spindrifter at 1:06 AM on June 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

My local sex store has workshops on different aspects of sex, sexuality, and consent, maybe yours does too?
posted by ITheCosmos at 3:44 AM on June 10, 2017

Do you maybe have a friend who would be interested in a FWB-style relationship specifically to practice and enhance your skills? A not-zero amount of my queer friends have had this experience. Given the abysmal state of sex education most places, having another body to play with attached to a human with which you share fondness and respect can be super fun and educational.
posted by softlord at 5:46 AM on June 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

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