Everyone needs a hug--but not this week!

June 9, 2017 3:47 AM

I'm going to be at my company's annual 5-day corporate conference next month. I've attended this conference for at least ten years now and I know there's going to be a lot of hugging. The twist this year--I am going to be recovering from breast surgery and I expect to still be quite tender. How can I avoid the hugging???

I work for a very large international company and our annual conference often provides the only opportunity we have each year to see the people we've been emailing and calling all year. There is A LOT of hugging happening when people connect--even people who have the most casual professional connections within the company. Trust me--friendly hugging is a thing here.
This year I will be attending not long after having a lumpectomy. I'm not keeping this a secret exactly, but I am pretty private about medical stuff and 99.9% of the people there won't know about it.
I'm concerned about how to minimize pain that may come from all the hugging that I know will happen--or how to avoid the hugging without seeming rude. Just shaking hands in greeting is really not done and would be viewed as odd by most people in this situation. Plus, there are a lot of people who I've known for years and I will be genuinely happy to see.
Any suggestions? I can't just keep my arms full of bulky packages for five days!
(Also--I'm well aware that I am probably fixated on this issue as a way to avoid my general anxiety about the lumpectomy itself! I'm dealing with that--but this is still a real concern.)

posted by bookmammal to Society & Culture (19 answers total)

Best answer: If you don't mind hugs pre-lumpectomy you might try minimal contact hugs--you know--where your shoulders/collerbone touch but the rest of your body including chest doesn't. If somebody says, "Oh come on! Gimme a REAL hug!" You might smile, put up your hand "stop sign like" and just say, "Surgery," or "I'm recovering," or "I'm not feeling well," or something that establishes your personal space without being too revealing.
posted by Lord Fancy Pants at 3:55 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'd offer the hand for shaking and immediately say "Sorry, I can't hug, I'm recovering from surgery. Great to see you! How's... (blah blah blah)". People will understand.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:56 AM on June 9, 2017 [10 favorites]

Put you arm on the affected side in a sling. Say you've strained a shoulder muscle. Lead or lean into hugs on your better side.
posted by MT at 4:20 AM on June 9, 2017 [22 favorites]

And if it fits with your sense of fashion, wear a gigantic shawl/scarf with a feathered brooch and massive earrings. People will be forced to hug you delicately because you're basically a giant obstacle.
posted by iamkimiam at 4:24 AM on June 9, 2017 [15 favorites]

Or bring a camera!
posted by iamkimiam at 4:25 AM on June 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

When you're going to be in a crowd situation, get a trusted co-worker to walk with you as your "Designated hugger" and make a funny bit out of it. Maybe make cute cards to hand out: "Recovering from surgery- IOU One Hug!"
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 4:37 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

Get a large, artisanal brooch that's made from glass or ceramics. The most fragile or spiky looking thing you can find. 'Statement' is a good search term here.
posted by Too-Ticky at 4:38 AM on June 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Depending on a lot of different factors you might not actually be in much pain for more than a couple days after the surgery. Not to say that you should go full bear hug crazy but a friend of mine had a lumpectomy and was proactively hugging the heck out of everyone four days later. YMMV.

It might feel silly but I'd ask a couple friends of different heights to practice hugging with you. If you get your body language sorted out ahead of time you'll be more comfortable in the moment. Practice side hugs, on the side that won't be healing, and light hugs that focus on the shoulders touching combined with slightly more vigorous upper arm touching. (A bonus of hugging practice might be some much needed physical affection and comfort prior to surgery.)

If it fits your style you might also get mileage out of the handclasp-bring to chest-backthump hug. Your arm controls where the other arm goes (not over your wound, obviously) and the arms between you keep pressure off. Or if you're affectionately european you could do the double cheek kiss, which in my experience involves far less body touching than hugs even though it feels more intimate to my american sensibilities.

If you mention that you just had "some outpatient surgery on my torso" a little while ago in a group setting or two, word will travel *fast*. If you're comfortable with that I'd say go for it, find the biggest gossip and be sure they know right away. Then you don't have to worry the rest of the event.
posted by Mizu at 4:46 AM on June 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

This is out there, but I knew someone under similar circumstances who went to a family reunion and had to face a lot of impulsive huggy cousins. She ended up taking a small balloon, reinforcing the bottom with packing tape, and pinning it above the surgery site. She drew a smiley on it and an arrow to her unaffected side. Still had to explain she could only give and receive left-side hugs but it stopped people from swooping in and crushing her.
posted by notquitemaryann at 4:53 AM on June 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

Can you pre-emptively stick out a hand and do that two-handed handshake? and just go, "BROO! would totes hug ya but today its a no-go now - been a bit sick! - so good to see you! how's the spawn? they still small and screamy??" etc. etc.
posted by speakeasy at 5:08 AM on June 9, 2017 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Brief wave, then "Great to see you, but no hugs this year - I'm not feeling well/a little under the weather/getting over something/[your version of 'I have a medical issue that I don't want to get into]." Most people will assume you mean you're recovering from a cold, which will also mean no handshake; anyone who knows that you had surgery will understand. And you'll unfortunately have to be ready for the possibility of intrusive questions, to which you can respond "Nothing serious/Oh, I'll be fine in a week or so/etc."
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:08 AM on June 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

I feel like if this is a context where hugging is okay, then I don't see why it wouldn't be okay to just like wear a nametag or sign around your neck with a funny 'no hugging' message.
posted by greta simone at 7:00 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm perhaps more direct than you'd prefer to be. But I'm not a fan of pain, so if you are very tender on that day, try this. Reach your arms out and cross them in front of your chest for protection. Smile. Say "Ordinarily I'd (love to) hug you, but I have scars on my chest."

I also like pinning something to your chest, but not anything hard. Maybe an orchid?
posted by puddledork at 7:19 AM on June 9, 2017

Best answer: I don't think you have to get into all the detail to just wave people off and say "Oh, I'm recovering from surgery, can't do hugs this year. But I'm so glad to see you! How is [launch into literally any other topic]" The vague mention of a medical thing + changing the topic will be enough for most people to just accept it, but if you get busy bodies who insist on asking questions, you can say "Oh, I'm fine, I don't want to get into it right now. But how is [again, launch directly into another topic]." If someone continues to press you after that, they are firmly in the land of RUDE, and you are free to sort of look at them sideways and say "Um, I just said I didn't want to get into it, so I'm going to go grab another coffee. Catch you later?"
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:03 AM on June 9, 2017 [3 favorites]

You might consider saying you can't hug because of a vague "sore back". Then change the subject. If questioned, perhaps you "slept wrong".

Sore backs are super common, boring, and could very plausibly make someone unable to hug, with no suggestion of contagion.
posted by MangoNews at 8:52 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: > It might feel silly but I'd ask a couple friends of different heights to practice hugging with you. If you get your body language sorted out ahead of time you'll be more comfortable in the moment. Practice side hugs, on the side that won't be healing, and light hugs that focus on the shoulders touching combined with slightly more vigorous upper arm touching.

If you mention that you just had "some outpatient surgery on my torso" a little while ago in a group setting or two, word will travel *fast*. If you're comfortable with that I'd say go for it, find the biggest gossip and be sure they know right away. Then you don't have to worry the rest of the event.

I came to say most of what Mizu did. Practice some hugging body language to minimize contact with that side of your chest. Another maneuver is to reach out for the hug with one arm and use the other to shield the affected breast (the way you would if you were hugging while carrying something in one arm, except that you're carrying nothing but your own torso.)

Seconding the recommendation to mention in a smallish group setting that that you need to be careful with the hugging because of recent surgery. I don't mean an announcement from the podium, more like tell the people at your breakfast/lunch table the first day. (Small group is better because if you JUST tell people one-to-one, they won't know how secretive you'd like to be and will be less likely to give others a heads-up.)

I know you said that you're really private with medical stuff, but also keep in mind that you'll have unknown allies -- there will undoubtedly be many women at that conference who have also had breast cancer, who navigated their own discreet post-surgery side-hug/handshake thing at some point. Don't be surprised or embarrassed if you get a quiet kind word from women who figure it out just from your body language.
posted by desuetude at 9:33 AM on June 9, 2017

Bruised ribs are also painful for hugging, if you want a different made-up reason. :)
posted by leticia at 9:40 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Oh, and I would personally advise against giving reasons that are total misdirections (like being under the weather, back injury, etc.) because, people being people, they'll leap to do small-talk commiseration about your particular situation and then you'll have to backtrack that you don't really have a torn rotator cuff or this year's pukey stomach bug. Awkward.

"Outpatient surgery" is a good level of detail to telegraph that you're "okay." Meaning, not wanting to talk about your specific issue but also not dying.
posted by desuetude at 9:59 AM on June 9, 2017

You could try the "Oprah hug" (you grab both hands before the hug can happen) as illustrated in this clip
posted by O9scar at 12:18 PM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]