Interactions with pets after having kids
June 8, 2017 10:54 AM Subscribe
What did you do to make sure that pets stayed an important part of your life after having kids?
I've read a lot of reddit threads about how many people lose interest in their pets after having children. As you can imagine, this discussion was very controversial and there were some really strong views on both sides.
Of course, priorities change when you have kids, but those of you who were pet lovers before having a child/children, were you able to continue being a animal lover in a way that felt meaningful? I'm not interested in having a discussion that directly compares kids and pets or tries to describe how kids and pets are different in importance - just interested in seeing if it's common to actually stop, permanently, being an animal lover with the addition of kids.
Also - those of you who are older now and have grown or almost grown kids - have animals become a bigger part of your life again?
Thanks!
I've read a lot of reddit threads about how many people lose interest in their pets after having children. As you can imagine, this discussion was very controversial and there were some really strong views on both sides.
Of course, priorities change when you have kids, but those of you who were pet lovers before having a child/children, were you able to continue being a animal lover in a way that felt meaningful? I'm not interested in having a discussion that directly compares kids and pets or tries to describe how kids and pets are different in importance - just interested in seeing if it's common to actually stop, permanently, being an animal lover with the addition of kids.
Also - those of you who are older now and have grown or almost grown kids - have animals become a bigger part of your life again?
Thanks!
I pretty much failed at this. But I think it's been made up for by how close to the cats my kid's always been. We have two cats -- one we refer to, with some affection and frustration, as our "mentally ill cat" -- he is sweet, but weird and unpredictable. The other cat loved on the baby from day one. The cat always comes running when my daughter cries, and always sleeps curled up next to her. Kid is almost ten now; the cat (we live in a tiny rural village) will often follow her around outside.
The guarantee that the cat will be there as soon as it can make it if she is upset has been going on for as long as I can remember; it's quite the thing to see. Years ago she said "She's like a little fur mummy," and that term stuck. I think they are more the kid's cats than mine, now.
I live in terror of the day our resident fur mummy dies; it's going to be extremely hard for her, and for me by extension.
I also have no intention of ever having pets again -- it is extra work I don't enjoy -- but, I don't think I can predict what I'll be doing in a quarter century with too much accuracy. (The kid wants to be a cat owner when she grows up.)
posted by kmennie at 11:12 AM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
The guarantee that the cat will be there as soon as it can make it if she is upset has been going on for as long as I can remember; it's quite the thing to see. Years ago she said "She's like a little fur mummy," and that term stuck. I think they are more the kid's cats than mine, now.
I live in terror of the day our resident fur mummy dies; it's going to be extremely hard for her, and for me by extension.
I also have no intention of ever having pets again -- it is extra work I don't enjoy -- but, I don't think I can predict what I'll be doing in a quarter century with too much accuracy. (The kid wants to be a cat owner when she grows up.)
posted by kmennie at 11:12 AM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Ah, I should mention -- my mom eventually did stop doing formal obedience and tracking training with the dogs, but it wasn't because of working full-time as a teacher and having a kid. It was adding the online master's degree that did it.
posted by cnidaria at 11:17 AM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by cnidaria at 11:17 AM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
My youngest will be starting her senior year of college in the fall. We had two dogs for 80% of our kid's lives, at least one dog for 100% of their lives, and my daughter also had a horse from age 11 until she went out of state for college. So pets / animals have been a big part of our kids lives. We have one 6ish year old dog now, and I could see him being our last dog, for exactly the reason mentioned above. I'd like the freedom without kids around to just do shit without worrying about accounting for the dog. My wife is not exactly on board with that sentiment though.
posted by COD at 11:21 AM on June 8, 2017
posted by COD at 11:21 AM on June 8, 2017
Always loved my kitties, always love my kids, no problems and my kids grew up loving the kitties too. Even the one I did not get to raise grew up to be a cat and dog lover. I think it may be partly genetic. My mother also loved and always had cats.
posted by mermayd at 11:24 AM on June 8, 2017
posted by mermayd at 11:24 AM on June 8, 2017
One thing that's helped me is throwing some money at the issue. Outsourcing (major) grooming, for example, makes it much easier to not be unfairly frustrated with our dog for representing yet another cleaning-type chore, and he's happier for the extra attention that comes of being non-stinky and generally pleasant to pet. Also, when the little human is taking up a particularly large share of my time (extended sickness, for example), I'll have a dog walker pick up a couple days so the pup gets some nice long rambles and lots of undistracted loving. Again, it's easier to love a tired dog than to feel guilty and frustrated about a pent-up one.
posted by teremala at 11:36 AM on June 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by teremala at 11:36 AM on June 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
I talk to my kid about the cats as thought there members of the family, because they are. What does Kitty want, what is he doing, let's pull a ribbon around for Kitty etc. Also he helps feed them. Finally, they get prime lap time after toddler has gone to bed.
My cats are lower on the totem pole now fur sure but still beloved.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:45 AM on June 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
My cats are lower on the totem pole now fur sure but still beloved.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:45 AM on June 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
We have ferrets. Ferrets are a pet that requires significant amount of play per day (not necessarily interaction, but space and in our case, supervision). I'll admit that in the very early days, attention was scarce. We made sure they still had play, but it was difficult. As Teremala says, it helps that we have a trusted place that we could outsource to. We would board them for a week every few months.
Now my son is a toddler things have got significantly easier and better - they can share space (to some degree - ferrets still nip!) and attention. I would have no qualms about a dog if only we had sufficient space- this is not a house where I would have a dog in any circumstances.
posted by threetwentytwo at 11:49 AM on June 8, 2017
Now my son is a toddler things have got significantly easier and better - they can share space (to some degree - ferrets still nip!) and attention. I would have no qualms about a dog if only we had sufficient space- this is not a house where I would have a dog in any circumstances.
posted by threetwentytwo at 11:49 AM on June 8, 2017
I think it is hard for many – and it was for me – to give your pets the same kind of attention once kids come along. I mean, when I get home from being away and the baby is crying and the cat is crying (because the food in its bowl is stale or it wants attention or who knows?), guess who I attend to first? It ain't the cat. We had two cats when our daughter was born. The first never liked kids. and he suffered from kidney disease in a slow decline for about two years during the time our daughter was an infant. It was super fun to play the where-did-he-pee game daily while also taking care of the house, new baby and other cat. He died right before my daughter turned 2 and she never asked about him and does not remember him.
Our second cat was much more friendly to our daughter and when he died we were all devastated and it was really rough. He went quite suddenly. We think about getting a pet and we have adopted a friend's fishtank which has been kind of fun but of course, not fuzzy snuggles. But, we are going to put it off until daughter can be much more active in caring for the animal. I think pets can be a great source of responsibility lessons and entertainment but I also think that it's hard to have pets if you don't have the time to devote to them. You just have to think about your resources and your capacity to give.
posted by amanda at 11:50 AM on June 8, 2017
Our second cat was much more friendly to our daughter and when he died we were all devastated and it was really rough. He went quite suddenly. We think about getting a pet and we have adopted a friend's fishtank which has been kind of fun but of course, not fuzzy snuggles. But, we are going to put it off until daughter can be much more active in caring for the animal. I think pets can be a great source of responsibility lessons and entertainment but I also think that it's hard to have pets if you don't have the time to devote to them. You just have to think about your resources and your capacity to give.
posted by amanda at 11:50 AM on June 8, 2017
I grew up in a pet-loving family. My mom converted my dad to being a pet (or at least dog - he was less enthused about cats) lover when she married him. My mom grew up with dogs and cats; in fact, my grandma bred Siamese cats for a little while when she was a teenager.
In my experience, people who stay pet lovers after having kids: 1) Have support. My parents had my grandma (the pet-loving one) nearby to help out. 2) Have a small family - I'm an only child, my mom was one of two widely-spaced children. IME in a large family or with multiple births, the pets are more likely to take a back seat. 3) All the family adults are on board with pet care. In situations when "pets turn into pests" it seems like mom is the only one doing any pet care at all, so naturally she gets overwhelmed. In my family, my dad, grandma, I as I got older, were all participating in pet care, so it wasn't just mom. 4) There's usually some money to throw at the issue, as Teremala says. Even if it's not directly related to pet care, such as being able to hire a housecleaner.
When pets are shoved aside or outright rehomed, again in my experience, it's usually when Mom has to do everything, not just pet care, herself, and gets overwhelmed, and there is no extra money to outsource chores (pet or cleaning) with. Dad cannot or will not pitch in with the baby and household chores, there is no grandma or other support system nearby, no money to hire a cleaner or babysitter, Mom is stretched to her limit and exhausted...not just the pets suffer.
One big mistake I've seen is for parents of small (younger than kindergarten) children to add a puppy or kitten to the family. A new baby animal on top of a new baby human is just too much. If you want a new dog or cat when you have a baby or toddler, it's really better to get an adult animal.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:50 AM on June 8, 2017 [7 favorites]
In my experience, people who stay pet lovers after having kids: 1) Have support. My parents had my grandma (the pet-loving one) nearby to help out. 2) Have a small family - I'm an only child, my mom was one of two widely-spaced children. IME in a large family or with multiple births, the pets are more likely to take a back seat. 3) All the family adults are on board with pet care. In situations when "pets turn into pests" it seems like mom is the only one doing any pet care at all, so naturally she gets overwhelmed. In my family, my dad, grandma, I as I got older, were all participating in pet care, so it wasn't just mom. 4) There's usually some money to throw at the issue, as Teremala says. Even if it's not directly related to pet care, such as being able to hire a housecleaner.
When pets are shoved aside or outright rehomed, again in my experience, it's usually when Mom has to do everything, not just pet care, herself, and gets overwhelmed, and there is no extra money to outsource chores (pet or cleaning) with. Dad cannot or will not pitch in with the baby and household chores, there is no grandma or other support system nearby, no money to hire a cleaner or babysitter, Mom is stretched to her limit and exhausted...not just the pets suffer.
One big mistake I've seen is for parents of small (younger than kindergarten) children to add a puppy or kitten to the family. A new baby animal on top of a new baby human is just too much. If you want a new dog or cat when you have a baby or toddler, it's really better to get an adult animal.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:50 AM on June 8, 2017 [7 favorites]
I have a one-year-old. Since the birth, I've felt like the cats are major annoyances. After having to be hands-on with the little one for several hours, trying to keep 'em clean and dry, getting 'em to sleep, and then to finally get a moment to sit down and eat a sandwich, only to have the cats jump up on your lap, want your attention, want to lick the sandwich, and shed all over you such that you have to fend them off and go wash your hands before getting back to your--- oh, no, it looks like the meowing woke the baby-- I have had zero patience. I'm sure I'll love the cats again in about three more years.
posted by slidell at 11:51 AM on June 8, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by slidell at 11:51 AM on June 8, 2017 [6 favorites]
P.S. I have a ton of support from my partner. I still just want clean, quiet, undisturbed Me Time (or time to focus on talking to my partner) during each and every break from the baby.
posted by slidell at 11:54 AM on June 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by slidell at 11:54 AM on June 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
Here's a scene: "Darling, I'm about to lose my mind, can you take over baby care right now?" "Oh, gee, I can't, I need to walk the dog."
Now, if you're a good couple, you can negotiate this. Baby gets strapped to chest of the person walking the dog or maybe mind-losing parent can take off with the dog. But it really depends on your personality. But pets are an obligation to care and that kind of thing really can just get overwhelming.
posted by amanda at 11:56 AM on June 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
Now, if you're a good couple, you can negotiate this. Baby gets strapped to chest of the person walking the dog or maybe mind-losing parent can take off with the dog. But it really depends on your personality. But pets are an obligation to care and that kind of thing really can just get overwhelming.
posted by amanda at 11:56 AM on June 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry to say that my sweet-natured cat got a lot less attention from me once my son was born. While she's still fed, and her litter box is cleaned every day, and she's taken to the vet as necessary, it's the affection that she's been used to that suffered.
However.
My 16 month old son is enamored with her, and we've been able to get him to be gentle when he pats her. I have a feeling that he's going to grow up showering her with lots of love and affection. So all in all, not a terrible change for her once the baby came.
posted by Everydayville at 12:38 PM on June 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
However.
My 16 month old son is enamored with her, and we've been able to get him to be gentle when he pats her. I have a feeling that he's going to grow up showering her with lots of love and affection. So all in all, not a terrible change for her once the baby came.
posted by Everydayville at 12:38 PM on June 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
My brother & I were raised in a pet centric household. Everything from dogs & cats to goats & chickens, snakes, various birds & small mammals during my childhood. My Dad was a mad animal lover. Animals came first once we were old enough to wait a few minutes for food/drink/attention. My parents philosophy was the animals can't take care of themselves if they're in a cage/tank/backyard etc.
We never felt neglected just knew that the most helpless family members got looked after first & sometimes they had fur or scales.
My elderly mother is 74 and currently has 2 dogs. She also has 2 parrots & a bearded dragon oh and is raising my 17 yo niece. She likes having them, she likes that they make her go for a walk every day & bring movement & life to the house (the animals not her Granddaughter).
I think Rosie. M. Banks observations that households where everyone is involved in pet care make it much easier to keep the pets as an integral part of the household. Both my parents cared for the pets we had, & us kids helped out as soon as we were old enough we had animal related chores. If one parent does all the child AND the pet care then things can easily get overwhelming.
posted by wwax at 12:51 PM on June 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
We never felt neglected just knew that the most helpless family members got looked after first & sometimes they had fur or scales.
My elderly mother is 74 and currently has 2 dogs. She also has 2 parrots & a bearded dragon oh and is raising my 17 yo niece. She likes having them, she likes that they make her go for a walk every day & bring movement & life to the house (the animals not her Granddaughter).
I think Rosie. M. Banks observations that households where everyone is involved in pet care make it much easier to keep the pets as an integral part of the household. Both my parents cared for the pets we had, & us kids helped out as soon as we were old enough we had animal related chores. If one parent does all the child AND the pet care then things can easily get overwhelming.
posted by wwax at 12:51 PM on June 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
I grew up on a farm, with any number of dogs and cats and rabbits and guinea pigs as pets, plus horses & sheep & cows & pigs that we were less emotionally committed to - basically a continuum between the animals that you stroke and the animals that you eat. As kids, we just fitted into that I guess.
As an adult - never had pets when I was single, and now we've only had pets since the kids were walking. Each of our pets (cats & rabbits only so far) has been a full-blown family member, with deaths being fully mourned by all of us (very different from my own experience as a child, when I'd basically shrug & move on when something died). Our cat is the first member of the household to be fed in the morning. The kids carry him around the house & tell us and each other what he's thinking. He's a semi-blank space (not being the brightest cat) onto which we can all project whatever we want to express at one step removed.
I can't find it now, but I remember reading an article by Deborah Tannen about the role that dogs can play conversationally - as an ersatz participant who can ventriloquise all sorts of roles that any other family members like to project onto them. We have that with our cat.
Having tried both models - I think I prefer small nos. of animals that come post-kids than large nos. that predate them.
posted by rd45 at 1:04 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
As an adult - never had pets when I was single, and now we've only had pets since the kids were walking. Each of our pets (cats & rabbits only so far) has been a full-blown family member, with deaths being fully mourned by all of us (very different from my own experience as a child, when I'd basically shrug & move on when something died). Our cat is the first member of the household to be fed in the morning. The kids carry him around the house & tell us and each other what he's thinking. He's a semi-blank space (not being the brightest cat) onto which we can all project whatever we want to express at one step removed.
I can't find it now, but I remember reading an article by Deborah Tannen about the role that dogs can play conversationally - as an ersatz participant who can ventriloquise all sorts of roles that any other family members like to project onto them. We have that with our cat.
Having tried both models - I think I prefer small nos. of animals that come post-kids than large nos. that predate them.
posted by rd45 at 1:04 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
I meant pre-date. But large nos. of animals predating on your kids is probably also bad. ;)
posted by rd45 at 1:20 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by rd45 at 1:20 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
We had a dog for 16 years. Our baby was born after he died. I don’t know how we would have coped if they had overlapped. Part of this is that we are apartment dwellers and owning a dog meant very routine walks 3 times a day. Having a baby/toddler means a scramble every morning to get out the door and a scramble every evening to get dinner on the table before bedtime. I don’t know how we would have fit the walks in. I guess if we had a yard the dog would at least get outdoor time, but that doesn’t address the lack of time with him. Or if one of us was a stay-at-home parent, it would probably be possible to schedule regular walks with both baby and dog.
I had always thought of myself as a dog person, but I don't even wish for a dog at this phase of my life.
posted by Kriesa at 2:02 PM on June 8, 2017
I had always thought of myself as a dog person, but I don't even wish for a dog at this phase of my life.
posted by Kriesa at 2:02 PM on June 8, 2017
Having a newborn drained my affection for pets. The dog had been my baby. Now it was suddenly just the dog....
But this indifference did not last. I now love our pets just as fiercely as I ever did, in a way that exponentially includes my gratitude for what they bring to my kids' lives.
And as the kid gets older, I'm more grateful to have a critter around who keeps thinking I'm the world's best magical genius after my kid figured out that ehhhh... maybe I'm not.
posted by flourpot at 2:03 PM on June 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
But this indifference did not last. I now love our pets just as fiercely as I ever did, in a way that exponentially includes my gratitude for what they bring to my kids' lives.
And as the kid gets older, I'm more grateful to have a critter around who keeps thinking I'm the world's best magical genius after my kid figured out that ehhhh... maybe I'm not.
posted by flourpot at 2:03 PM on June 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
just interested in seeing if it's common to actually stop, permanently, being an animal lover with the addition of kids.
I can only speak to this aspect of your question. I volunteer at a rescue. "New baby" is the 2nd most common reason for owner surrender.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:23 PM on June 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
I can only speak to this aspect of your question. I volunteer at a rescue. "New baby" is the 2nd most common reason for owner surrender.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:23 PM on June 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
Also - those of you who are older now and have grown or almost grown kids - have animals become a bigger part of your life again?
No. I still love cats, but cat care can be such a burden in so many ways, and I did it for so many years, that I'm done as a cat owner.
Answering the other question, when our son was born we had 3 or 4 cats. The combination of cat care and baby care never seemed to be a particular problem. We did have some outside help, and flexible work schedules. The cats died one by one, the last when my son was in 7th grade. They were all mourned, and we moved on, somewhat grateful for the reduced workload we would have going forward.
posted by JimN2TAW at 2:30 PM on June 8, 2017
No. I still love cats, but cat care can be such a burden in so many ways, and I did it for so many years, that I'm done as a cat owner.
Answering the other question, when our son was born we had 3 or 4 cats. The combination of cat care and baby care never seemed to be a particular problem. We did have some outside help, and flexible work schedules. The cats died one by one, the last when my son was in 7th grade. They were all mourned, and we moved on, somewhat grateful for the reduced workload we would have going forward.
posted by JimN2TAW at 2:30 PM on June 8, 2017
I volunteer at a rescue. "New baby" is the 2nd most common reason for owner surrender.
I was a kid who grew up with pets-as-family but I have also had friends who get much less attached to their pets when children come along. In many cases, though certainly not for all, there was usually one member of the couple who was less into the pets to begin with, assumed they came with the partner so was worth dealing with but then didn't want both a child and a pet they weren't really that into. So this is not people who were pet lovers and then stopped forever. This is people who were pet owners sort of by circumstance and the birth of a child was a good pivot point to not be pet owners.
Also of note: both my parents had pets as kids. My dad was a serious workaholic guy and when my parents split when I was a teenager he moved into a condo and never had pets... until he retired. At that point he had remarried and the house was FULL of pets again. He was just very situational about whether he was in a space/place where he could hang out with them. I haven't had a pet for over a decade but I think if I became someone who traveled less in a future life-configuration, I absolutely would get one again. I still love them, I just do not own one.
posted by jessamyn at 2:30 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
I was a kid who grew up with pets-as-family but I have also had friends who get much less attached to their pets when children come along. In many cases, though certainly not for all, there was usually one member of the couple who was less into the pets to begin with, assumed they came with the partner so was worth dealing with but then didn't want both a child and a pet they weren't really that into. So this is not people who were pet lovers and then stopped forever. This is people who were pet owners sort of by circumstance and the birth of a child was a good pivot point to not be pet owners.
Also of note: both my parents had pets as kids. My dad was a serious workaholic guy and when my parents split when I was a teenager he moved into a condo and never had pets... until he retired. At that point he had remarried and the house was FULL of pets again. He was just very situational about whether he was in a space/place where he could hang out with them. I haven't had a pet for over a decade but I think if I became someone who traveled less in a future life-configuration, I absolutely would get one again. I still love them, I just do not own one.
posted by jessamyn at 2:30 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
I used to be quite obsessed with our cat and yeah, he did change priority once the kid came along. But it just took a little time. It's been one year and I would say he's getting as much affection now as before the baby came along. Perhaps even more, because I am a stay at home mom now so the cat gets a lot of facetime from me.
I think it was kind of a good thing because I stopped worrying about the cat as much, which is probably healthy for everyone. Like, I used to be anxious about whether the cat had eaten a scrap of human food off the floor (even though he showed no indication of doing that) and now I'm like "I hope you like cheerios and spaghetti because I'm too lazy to clean up under the high chair right now"
posted by cpatterson at 3:04 PM on June 8, 2017
I think it was kind of a good thing because I stopped worrying about the cat as much, which is probably healthy for everyone. Like, I used to be anxious about whether the cat had eaten a scrap of human food off the floor (even though he showed no indication of doing that) and now I'm like "I hope you like cheerios and spaghetti because I'm too lazy to clean up under the high chair right now"
posted by cpatterson at 3:04 PM on June 8, 2017
I've always had pets and been an animal lover, in fact I wanted to be a vet and tried to get into vet school, so there was always going to be animals in my life.I had a cat when my kids were babies. Now we have a puppy that we've had for a year, and my kids are three and five. I took this dog on consciously, knowing it would be an increased workload and signing up for it when my oldest had started school and I had a bit more free time.
Also, being a SAHM makes all the difference in the world, and when I go back to work, chances are it will be working remotely from home. I'm in the perfect position to give a dog the attention it needs. I appreciate not everyone can. So far, it's worked out. For everyone who said the dog would suffer from lack of attention, this dog gets so. Much. Attention. From everyone. In fact, we have a crate she can go to just to get away from the toddler who won't stop hugging her. The dog is great entertainment for the kids and vice versa, they all love each other's company.
Having said that, it's far more common for me to see the opposite. Our dog is a poodle mix and we chose her specifically to be a small indoor dog and as low maintenance as a dog can really be, and she still needs to be walked every day.
Most families I know whose dogs became neglected once the kids came along have large, high needs dogs. I'm talking dogs that shed, working breeds like cattle dogs and kelpies that need two hour long walks a day, dogs that jump up and send their two year old flying, dogs that destroy the house because they're bored and the mother is too exhausted from dealing with a teething baby to walk it. These are the dogs that spend their entire lives out in the yard now because their families don't have the time/energy to integrate them into their lives. And instead of being a joy, they're treated like a nuisance. It's very sad.
I think it's down to making sure you have the right kind of pet for your needs and you do the work to blend them into family life. When you don't get this right, everyone suffers.
PS The dog is also a convenient excuse on the weekend for me to duck out of the house and get some quiet child free time walking her which we both really enjoy so there's that too!
posted by Jubey at 11:11 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Also, being a SAHM makes all the difference in the world, and when I go back to work, chances are it will be working remotely from home. I'm in the perfect position to give a dog the attention it needs. I appreciate not everyone can. So far, it's worked out. For everyone who said the dog would suffer from lack of attention, this dog gets so. Much. Attention. From everyone. In fact, we have a crate she can go to just to get away from the toddler who won't stop hugging her. The dog is great entertainment for the kids and vice versa, they all love each other's company.
Having said that, it's far more common for me to see the opposite. Our dog is a poodle mix and we chose her specifically to be a small indoor dog and as low maintenance as a dog can really be, and she still needs to be walked every day.
Most families I know whose dogs became neglected once the kids came along have large, high needs dogs. I'm talking dogs that shed, working breeds like cattle dogs and kelpies that need two hour long walks a day, dogs that jump up and send their two year old flying, dogs that destroy the house because they're bored and the mother is too exhausted from dealing with a teething baby to walk it. These are the dogs that spend their entire lives out in the yard now because their families don't have the time/energy to integrate them into their lives. And instead of being a joy, they're treated like a nuisance. It's very sad.
I think it's down to making sure you have the right kind of pet for your needs and you do the work to blend them into family life. When you don't get this right, everyone suffers.
PS The dog is also a convenient excuse on the weekend for me to duck out of the house and get some quiet child free time walking her which we both really enjoy so there's that too!
posted by Jubey at 11:11 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
I have pretty much always defined myself as a dog person. I was raised with dogs and love dogs, to the point where, when I lived in the dorms in college, I used to walk up to strangers on the street to ask them if I could pet their dog because I missed my own so much. As an adult I've had a series of large dogs, and I introduced my hubby to the joys of living with dogs.
Once my first kid was born, the dogs just didn't get our attention the way they used to. And then we lost them both, in pretty quick succession.
Even though there were dogs in the house when he was born, after they'd been gone a couple of years my oldest kiddo started to display a fear of dogs. Our solution was to begin pet-sitting, so that he could get used to being around dogs and the idea of living with dogs, without us having the commitment of having a dog full-time.
I loved my dogs dearly and still miss them, but right now I have to admit that I don't really miss living with dogs at all, at least from a perspective of all of the work and attention that they require. The cuddly bits I miss of course. But they were two more beings who required both physical labor and emotional labor from me, and I just don't have any more to spare right now. I suppose what it is is that I am busy bonding with the small people in my life, and I don't always feel like I have enough time for that. The idea of trying to bond with even another being is what is off-putting right now.
posted by vignettist at 8:53 AM on June 9, 2017
Once my first kid was born, the dogs just didn't get our attention the way they used to. And then we lost them both, in pretty quick succession.
Even though there were dogs in the house when he was born, after they'd been gone a couple of years my oldest kiddo started to display a fear of dogs. Our solution was to begin pet-sitting, so that he could get used to being around dogs and the idea of living with dogs, without us having the commitment of having a dog full-time.
I loved my dogs dearly and still miss them, but right now I have to admit that I don't really miss living with dogs at all, at least from a perspective of all of the work and attention that they require. The cuddly bits I miss of course. But they were two more beings who required both physical labor and emotional labor from me, and I just don't have any more to spare right now. I suppose what it is is that I am busy bonding with the small people in my life, and I don't always feel like I have enough time for that. The idea of trying to bond with even another being is what is off-putting right now.
posted by vignettist at 8:53 AM on June 9, 2017
I don't think people stop loving pets/animals they just have to make hard choices. We decided that we made a commitment to our dogs and we would honor that even if we had kids. So far we have been able to do it, but I admit it hasn't been easy.
For *reasons* we suddenly got custody of 2 kids under 2 the day before our youngest dog turned 1 year old. So basically we have 2 toddlers, an adolescent dog, and a grumpy old dog. To a certain extent we have thrown money at the problem - dogwalker + doggie daycare + all babysitters must be good with dogs and give dogs attention too (when toddlers are asleep). The dogs don't get the attention they once did, but they are still loved and cared for. This year we will take the first vacation in over 10 years where we won't taking the dogs. That hurts, but I know the toddlers need the attention more. (The dogs are going to stay with family members).
I think it's largely a resource issue. Dogs take time and money. Kids take time and money. If you are short on either of those things, it will likely impact the dogs more than the kids. And honestly when you have kids I think you always feel short on time and money! If you want to keep pets in your life with kids, I think you will make it happen. If it's not truly a priority for you, that will be very apparent when you have a tiny human that needs all of your time and attention.
posted by donovangirl at 11:01 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
For *reasons* we suddenly got custody of 2 kids under 2 the day before our youngest dog turned 1 year old. So basically we have 2 toddlers, an adolescent dog, and a grumpy old dog. To a certain extent we have thrown money at the problem - dogwalker + doggie daycare + all babysitters must be good with dogs and give dogs attention too (when toddlers are asleep). The dogs don't get the attention they once did, but they are still loved and cared for. This year we will take the first vacation in over 10 years where we won't taking the dogs. That hurts, but I know the toddlers need the attention more. (The dogs are going to stay with family members).
I think it's largely a resource issue. Dogs take time and money. Kids take time and money. If you are short on either of those things, it will likely impact the dogs more than the kids. And honestly when you have kids I think you always feel short on time and money! If you want to keep pets in your life with kids, I think you will make it happen. If it's not truly a priority for you, that will be very apparent when you have a tiny human that needs all of your time and attention.
posted by donovangirl at 11:01 AM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
I had a dog and three cats before having my daughter. I still have the same dog and three cats. I still love them just as much as I ever did. The only difference is that now I also have a tiny little human I love more than I ever thought possible - but that doesn't take anything away from my wonderful animal family. :)
posted by srrh at 11:12 AM on June 9, 2017
posted by srrh at 11:12 AM on June 9, 2017
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My parents always had several Labradors, and my mom was perpetually rescuing and adopting cats. When I was a kid, we had 3 dogs, 5 cats, 2 parakeets (mine), and a tank of fish (also mine). Around age 11, I pushed hard for a corn snake, but was rejected.
I'm not sure what it was like for my parents when I was an infant, but by the time I was a toddler I was happily playing with our family pets. When I was in elementary school, one of our cats would meet me at the bus stop every afternoon. If anything, the enthusiasm of a kid for pets only made my parents bigger animal lovers. My mom continued doing obedience and tracking training with the dogs, but my dad stopped taking the dogs duck hunting, for whatever reason.
Animals tend to tie you down financially and geographically, and so do kids, so it seems to me that pets and kids are a natural combination. My parents, now that they're 70, still have one elderly dog but don't plan to get any other pets. They want to eventually have the freedom to travel and not have to arrange for pet care or have to skip certain attractions (like nice restaurants or National Parks) where dogs aren't allowed.
posted by cnidaria at 11:09 AM on June 8, 2017 [2 favorites]