How do I work on anxious attachment disorder?

June 8, 2017 7:17 AM

I've recently noticed a pattern of anxious feelings in between communication with partners. Been with current boyfriend for over 1.5 years and still struggle with feeling anxious about our communication. We talk nearly every day in person or on the phone unless one of us is traveling for work and even on those days, we text intermittently throughout the day. But I find myself feeling lonely sometimes in between our communication. I realized that I've felt this way in nearly every relationship I have. But I want to stop. Help!

I recently took an attachment styles quiz and found myself to have anxious attachment style. I notice this most frequently when it comes to my romantic relationships. I often wonder if my partners really care about me if we haven't spent time together frequently or if communication is somewhat sparse. I hate feeling this way because I find myself questioning relationships or blaming my partner for not being as invested as I am, when really, the issue is me. Help me overcome this because I don't want to continue my pattern of ending relationships after a year because of my anxiety.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (6 answers total)

Well, CBT therapy can definitely help with this, but I also got a lot of relief when I started attending group therapy around this topic. A lot of us connected and shared phone numbers, and so we still sometimes call or text one another instead of having a panic spiral or frantically calling/texting our significant others when we are experiencing anxious attachment freakouts. It gives us all a cushion, and gives those of us trying to get better an outlet to help us coach one another, which reinforces the CBT tools we've learned.

If group therapy isn't an option in your area, perhaps reach out to a few friends who would understand, and try and build out a phone tree?
posted by juniperesque at 8:31 AM on June 8, 2017

I highly recommend Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

I find a key to this is connecting with people who understand, yet don't 'activate' that part of yourself. This allows you to separate from the relationship triggers and related 'protest' behavior. Please message me directly, I have other resources and experiences to share.
posted by maya at 9:01 AM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

When you're not in a relationship, do you also feel lonely? I raise this idea because maybe you're relying on your partner to fulfill lots of social roles in your life, and no one person can do that. Just an idea--disregard if it doesn't ring true for you!
posted by purple_bird at 11:11 AM on June 8, 2017

A couple of things here:

1) There is a whole range of human behavior between being anxious in a relationship and having an anxious attachment disorder. Jumping to that catastrophizing interpretation kind of suggests to me that this might fall more broadly under the umbrella of anxiety that is too intense more generally, and that because it is so intense can affect your relationships. I suspect it might have an impact on other facets of your life. Therapy, and especially CBT is very helpful for this.

2) Taking a publicly available quiz is often just scratching the surface of what are really, really complex characteristics or concepts. Again, therapy can be helpful in learning more about how you operate in a relationship and how you interact and attach to others. It's rare that all of that fits neatly into a prescribed box and will take time and work to understand.

I do think that in either case, therapy would be helpful because you are noticing a pattern in your life that you don't like and want to understand better in order to change. All really challenging steps to have accomplished and that speak well for therapy being likely to help you. I wish you the very best.
posted by goggie at 12:25 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

I agree that therapy is a good place to unpick things like this. However, in the interim, do you have a couple friends or family members with whom you could begin a more consistent communication pattern with? I find it very helpful to not depend just on a partner for this kind of affirmation.

These things are important to me also, but I have learned that making my partner responsible for responding to every 'bid' I make can become overwhelming for them and can lead to dependency on my part. Spreading out this function to a few close friends has allowed me to fulfill my needs for communication and affection in a way that is more sustainable for me in my long-term relationships.
posted by ananci at 1:24 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

A child's sense of self comes from their parents. When a parent can't be found they feel anxious because they have lost their self.
Do things that increase your sense of self. Spend time noticing your self thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes. Get in touch with your body. Try something creative to express your self.
posted by SyraCarol at 5:21 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]