How to navigate a romantic route while just about to leave the country?

June 8, 2017 7:17 AM

I've recently been chatting with someone and feel with some surety that we'd enjoy each other's company for a string of dates or more. We've spent only some time alone together (perhaps once or twice), and I'd like to spend more time with them. The trouble is I'm due to leave in a month or two for an extended period of time. It's not often I meet someone who I see potential with, so I'm unsure of what to do next. When/how should I tell them about my impending departure? Should I continue to see them even if anything that happens will be prematurely curtailed?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (6 answers total)

I'm surprised that it hasn't come up in conversation already!

You should tell them as soon as possible to ensure that they're not hoping for something that won't materialize. Continue seeing them if you would both enjoy it.
posted by metasarah at 7:48 AM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

Meet up with them, enjoy the date/outing whatever. Allow the conversation to include things you're excited about, such as your upcoming trip, but more in the context of that's someplace you're going, not in the "I'm moving across the globe for a whole year and will return a long time from now as a changed person" kind of way. Just mention "oh, yeah, blahblah noodles segue blah, and when I'm in Japan this fall I'm going to blah blah". You're not making the sorrowful confession that you must put your fledgling relationship on hold (which places way too much importance on both the relationship/friendship and on the potential of the travel to change your life), you're just telling them that you'll be going someplace in a few months/for a few months. And if they feel that this is relevant to them (i.e. they would want a relationship and your absence impacts their feelings or expectations) then they'll follow up on that information based on the way they feel it affects them.
posted by aimedwander at 7:54 AM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

Yes, absolutely mention your upcoming trip in conversation - "Did I tell you yet that I'm going to Antartica in July for two years? It's gonna be so cool."

And should you then ask them to go have dinner/movie/music or whatever? Sure! Either just as a friend or in hopes of having a fling-and-then-stay-in-touch-and-see-what-happens-over-the-years, depending on your preference and theirs.
posted by sheldman at 8:03 AM on June 8, 2017

The fact that you've asked the question indicates that you consider the "extended period of time" to be significant vis-a-vis any relationship between you two. So take that as a given. Aimedwander suggests an elaborate script for your next date that would most likely overtax your acting ability. It's unlikely you could credibly act like this extended trip is a trivial thing and you just never thought to bring it up. And it would be dishonest.

So tell "them" in your next text, before you waste "their" time with a date, that you've been assigned to go to XXX for YYY years. Say "Wow, big changes coming!" or something else true and honest. And then suggest going out together.

Should I continue to see them even if anything that happens will be prematurely curtailed? No. "Anything that happens" would be based on a lie and a fraud. Sheldman got it right.
posted by JimN2TAW at 10:38 AM on June 8, 2017

To be a little more explicit about the question you might be asking, which might be "what about the possibility of trying to start a real romantic long-term love thing under these circumstances?" I personally would avoid anything like that. I mean, I guess there is a possibility that you are "made for each other" and would have pleasure rather than pain in trying to maintain a long-term relationship after only a brief in-person relationship. But for most people, I think that the drama and agony of that would be way too much. If you are even possibly "made for each other," then have a lovely summer thing if you both want to, and then part with no promises except to stay in touch as friends with enormous mutual respect; then whatever is meant to happen, will happen.
posted by sheldman at 1:44 PM on June 8, 2017

When/how should I tell them about my impending departure?

As soon as you can. I don't think there's any right way to do it, as long as you refrain from any verbage that could be interpreted as undue expectations or pressure.

Should I continue to see them even if anything that happens will be prematurely curtailed?

This is more their decision than yours. If there are romantic inklings, they may not want to continue see you because it might be too painful. On the other hand, if they are willing to see you, it could be a let's-see-where-this-goes-while-you're-away kind of thing. I'm fairly sure your answer to this question will come from how the other person responds to your news.
posted by Everydayville at 2:28 PM on June 8, 2017