Co-parenting with an ex who may have Borderline Personality Disorder?

June 4, 2017 9:13 PM

We separated about six months ago, and we have our 4 year old son each 50% of the time. I am trying hard to set boundaries, but he continues to get angry with me in person, and over any kind of communication we try. It isn't healthy for our son to witness.

He does not have a diagnosis of BPD, however, I am pretty confident he would receive this diagnosis if he were to undergo a comprehensive evaluation. I don't necessarily want to go into further detail about this point. For the sake of this post, let's assume that this is what we are dealing with. I will be the first person to say that we are so much more than our diagnoses. I also believe that navigating a co-parenting relationship and raising a child who has one parent with BPD poses unique challenges that I am just beginning to experience.

Examples include: when he drops off or picks up my son, he either pretends I don't exist or he tries to start an argument with me, and when I attempt to ask him to leave, he blames me for the incident; continually blames me for everything (son's dirty clothes, losing small toys, sleep patterns, child support, really anything that he can think of); he also has eluded to the idea that I am not making our kid's safety a priority (this just is not true).

I am finding that any idea I propose, he will veto.

Any helpful advice for 1) co-parenting with an ex who has BPD and 2) raising a child who has one parent with BPD

Thanks!

posted by retrofitted to Human Relations (9 answers total)

Best answer: Hard experience has taught me it's only possible to control what happens in your own home and your own responses.

It helps to do transitions through day care if possible and keep all communication to email. Be very careful about what you write- you can be scrupulously careful for months and months, have one off day and write a careless message, and end up with that email as evidence in court a week later. Don't ask me how I know this.

Keep your home and routines as stable as possible so your child has at least one stable home.

Take good care of yourself. The oxygen mask thing really is a thing, and no one benefits from you driving yourself into the ground.

Good luck. It's really hard.
posted by bighappyhairydog at 9:35 PM on June 4, 2017 [7 favorites]

Also, the BIFF method by Bill Eddy is invaluable for communication. There are summaries online and I found the book helpful.
posted by bighappyhairydog at 9:39 PM on June 4, 2017 [3 favorites]

I am sorry you are going through this.

Your kid is going to see you being a adult in these situations and will know which parent is the child here. Seeing conflict isn't necessarily bad when the kid can also see someone deal with it in an adult way.

Seconding keep your home and routines stable to anchor your kid. Previously they had to deal with the other parent all the time, now they have a haven at your place.

Let your ex complain away about whatever, maybe you could consult with a divorce mediator or lawyer about strategies to have the ex make these complaints to your representative instead of you. Otherwise let them froth away, leave, and you make your kid a nice grilled cheese.
posted by zippy at 10:08 PM on June 4, 2017 [3 favorites]

Some women I've known in similar situations found this book helpful: Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex - A Hands-on, Practical Guide to Communicating with a Difficult Ex-Spouse.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 12:36 AM on June 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

I'm sorry you're going through this; six months in is still pretty early. Things will get better. Try and remember that it's a marathon and not a sprint. When exes are being their worst selves, try to be grateful for the opportunity to practice being your best (or at least a better) self. Your kid(s) will remember that. And just as importantly, they will learn from it.

From the examples you provided, it sounds like pick ups / drop offs are happening at your private homes. I would try to finagle that so that they're happening either a) at school/day care, b) in a public place like the pool or library, or c) if still at your home, a time when you have your child care provider or babysitter around and/or a family member or good friend (but NOT a new romantic attachment) there. Try to limit the opportunities you ex has for lashing out at you in front of the child with no witnesses around, in other words.

The effect of this will also be, hopefully, to channel all communications about parenting to text or, even better, to email. You really want your ex to have to put things in writing.

As the partner of someone whose ex is BPD, we've found it useful to let the ex burn off their vitriol in texts and emails that don't get a response right away. It's rarely a true emergency that needs a response. And then we choose our battles very carefully. For things re: the child's safety, a very short reply within 24 hours: "Thanks for letting me know about this. Just want to reassure you that the child(ren) is/are safe in my care." The end. For things like the dirty laundry/sleep patterns, something noncommittal: "Got it. Taking care of it." The end. (With the understanding in your own mind that "taking care of it" means "I'm doing the best I can and what I think is fair and right and appropriate.") For things like child support: "Got your email. Here's the number of the child support helpline if you need it." Although honestly, I wouldn't even reply to that one because issues re: child support are best dealt with through your ex's lawyer or the appropriate oversight body. You BPD ex might have to learn the hard way and on a steep learning curve how to be resourceful for themselves.

Sometimes, too, we just don't respond at all, and if the ex sends a follow up, we say: "Sorry I missed that! [insert noncommittal formula.]" And every phone call from the ex goes to voicemail. We check it to make sure no one's en route to the hospital (they never are), and then we deal with it...later.

In general, we try very hard to deprive the BPD ex's fire of fuel and oxygen. It usually works. We save our energy for the things that really really matter -- for example, medical treatments, changes to education/extracurriculars, big-expensive purchases, or just bad because dangerous policies re: leaving kids alone/friend-social activities. And to be honest, we've had to use a mediator in at least one of these situations. And in some of the others, we've had to get really organized to make sure we're on top of communicating with the kids' educators/doctors/etc. directly ourselves so that the ex can't pull any rabbits out of the hat, as it were.

And in a few other situations, we've just had to accept that we can't control the other parent or everything that happens around the kids, which is sort of how life is anyway. We just hold steady over here, try our best to model productive adulthood and positive relationships for our kids, and trust that things will turn out mostly okay. Good luck.
posted by pinkacademic at 7:20 AM on June 5, 2017 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Please continue to be present for your son no matter how difficult your ex makes it. Your kid needs you.

+1 for the the above posters recommending boundaries. There's a book dedicated to helping non-BPDs cope with BPDs: Stop Walking on Eggshells, by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger.

Don't engage in discussions with your ex in front of the kid. Your response to his questions/assertions should be something like "I recognize that this is a important topic to you but let's talk about it tonight after Kid has gone to bed. How about 9:00 tonight?" (and then you place the phone call) Keep repeating the acknowledgement + phone call request until he quits. It's difficult to keep up anger/steam with a push-over.

+1 for big's and pink's suggestion about no-contact drop-offs. You might have to get a court to order the no contact drop off. Just be sure to demonstrate the difficulty of your current troubles to the court so that it's ordered. Another option for no contact drop is a trusted neighbor or your/his parents. The way court-ordered no contact drop offs work is that the receiving parent arrives and sequestered out of sight. 10-15 minutes later, the ex arrives and drops off the kid and departs. The kid goes to meet the sequestered parent and 10-15 minutes later, they depart. If you're working it without a court order at a neighbor or grandparent's house: ex drops off kid and departs, 10-15 minutes later you arrive and the kid gets in your car and then you depart.

Please consider saving $5-10k (that's in addition to the 3-6 months of living expenses!) in cash to defend yourself and your parenthood. You'll return to court. Don't be surprised if a Guardian ad Litem is eventually involved. In some states, GALs are lawyers.

After the divorce is settled, there are resources to help you deal with stuff for free, especially child support. In my state, either parent can file a review request with the child support agency/agency-that-collects-and-disperses child support. My state agency works at no cost to either parent. The request for review is eligible each year. The reason for the review is that it stops a sticking point from ending in court. You and your ex will have pay raises and stuff. The child support agency makes adjustments and they use the same formula as the lawyers use in court. Each parent submits financial info to the child support agency. The child support agency takes care of filing court orders which make the changes legal. You don't have to hire a lawyer to work with the child support agency; you'd call them directly.

If you eventually have the majority of the time with your kid, don't move away as an escape from difficulties with your ex. Your kid needs his dad. If your ex is a bum, your kid will figure it out without your help.
posted by dlwr300 at 11:11 AM on June 5, 2017

continually blames me for everything (son's dirty clothes, losing small toys, sleep patterns, child support, really anything that he can think of); he also has eluded to the idea that I am not making our kid's safety a priority (this just is not true).

As an aside, an alternative viewpoint might hold that this is laying the groundwork for a sole custody end-run. I urge you to document every instance as it happens, even briefly. "Accusation of dirty clothing at dropped off. Childname was in fact in clean laundry."
posted by DarlingBri at 12:43 PM on June 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

It isn't helpful to diagnose him, except that Walking on Eggshells is really useful. Focus on responding appropriately to his behavior. Disengage. Tell him you'll be using a specific email account to discuss any co-parenting issues, schedules, whatever, and then stick to that. You can also use that account to document his crappy behavior. Send yourself an email stating the facts of his behavior and who was present, just in case you need it some day.

Disengaging also helps you remove him from your thoughts and emotions. My ex- loves to insert himself in to my life even 20+ years on, and it's a joy to realize how little space he occupies these days. My ex- recently behaved like an asshole to me, in front of someone else the ex- respects. I simply left when my ex- acted out. The person who witnessed it called my ex- out and told me about it later. It's not much against the crap I endured for many years, but it warmed my cold heart just a little. I've had a couple interactions like that, and they showed me that I was doing the right thing, or at least the best I could.

Your child really will figure it out. It took my kid a while, esp. since my ex- spent a lot of effort sabotaging my kid's relationship with me, but keep your eyes on the true goal - a happy, healthy, decent kid who grows up okay.

Just yesterday I was thinking about a friend who, at the time of my divorce taught me that the most important thing is to teach my kid to be a loving respectful person, even and especially to the asshole dad.

And read the Shamu article and use behavior modification on your ex. Might help.
posted by theora55 at 2:33 PM on June 5, 2017

If you cannot do the kid transfer in public places, as described above, then always be heading out yourself to shorten the episodes you mention -- you were waiting for the drop off, or the pick up, and are now leaving for an appointment (do not disclose this ahead of time, or else deliberate lateness will ensue). You won't have to ask your ex to leave, because you're leaving; instead, it's "Please, put your concerns in an email," as you're putting your son into the car (parked on the street, so you're not blocked in) and departing, or it's "Have a wonderful time with Dad," as you're taking yourself wherever.

If he follows you, that's something to document, too.
posted by Iris Gambol at 3:44 PM on June 5, 2017