Resources for eliminating intrusive thoughts from a toxic relationship?

May 31, 2017 1:50 PM

Over a year ago I asked this question. I'm struggling to deal with the aftermath of it and thought maybe someone had some resources or help for moving past a toxic relationship that, even though I am over it, is still affecting me way too much.

Every single response to that question was right on and helpful advice, even though it probably seems like it took me pathetically too long to really act on it. I read them over and over again and resolved to leave. I tried a few times in the past year and every single time let myself be manipulated into staying. I feel very stupid about that and am sorry. He wanted to go into couples counselling so we did. He seemed to get better, things seemed to improve, the counselor thought we were a great couple. I'd still catch him lying sometimes and he still wouldn't be straight with me about some things and sometimes would turn things back on me until I just hated him. By this spring things were "fine". He wanted to move in together and get married, his response to me still not being happy was to tell me everything was great. Eventually I no longer really cared and was able to break up with him about two months ago. He cried and cried and told me he would wait for me until I changed my mind, that he didn't want anyone else, would never be with anyone else, he wanted to get old with me and have kids. This made me feel very bad but I knew he was being manipulative again. I made the break up stick. I stayed away from outings with shared friends so I wouldn't see him at all and I have had little contact from him except for a couple texts, one of which came at 4 in the morning angrily accusing me of seeing someone else (I wasn't at the time but that doesn't really matter).

Breaking up was great! I didn't realize exactly how miserable he was making me until I was free. It was so easy, once he was gone. I didn't miss anything about him. I was doing everything for him and he was doing nothing for me. My life became easier and better. I started seeing someone new who treats me so radically different to my ex that I don't even understand how stupid I could have been to stay with him. Everything is great.

Except now I've found out that he's been saying untruthful things about me behind my back (I don't know exactly what and I haven't asked for details from anyone but I didn't do anything, broke up with him completely civilly and reasonably and have been completely polite to any texts he does send me) and he's gotten back with the woman he cheated on me with. She has done similarly horrible things to friends so bringing her around is also uncomfortable for various people in his friend group.

I was absolutely great until I found this stuff out. The past week I've been really upset. I need to move past this. I don't want my ex and I feel completely over him. I realize now that all the horrible things he said about all his previous exes were lies. I see now how he excommunicated people from the friend group. I feel disgusted, annoyed and angry by what he's doing. I know the relationship we had was a lie. I feel like a fool for staying in it for years and know I should have left years ago. I am upset that I've probably lost friends over this. I'm sad that they probably now think all sorts of horrible things about me that are not true. But I keep thinking about him getting back with the person he cheated on me with and it makes me angry. I keep thinking about it. I have spent way too much time thinking about this and I do not understand why this is bothering me so much. I need the intrusive thoughts to stop. It's affecting my life. I have been happier and more myself in the past couple months, since leaving him, than I have been in the past 4 years. But since finding this out my concentration has gone to shit, I can't focus, I'm not even having coherent thoughts about it, just irritation and anger. Does anyone have any info or resources that can help me sort this out? I usually find books helpful for sorting out my feelings but I really need to stop spending time on this and move on with my life.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total)

I've refreshed the thread twice and no one has shown up to mention therapy, so: therapy!

It's mentioned so often it's a cliche, not everyone does better or needs it, but this is pretty much the exact situation where it would be useful. You've been emotionally manipulated, violated, and made it out but there's still just this garbage that you need to work through, or completely divest yourself of.

You still harbor some idea that, regardless of the fact he most definitely not the person he pretended to be when you were together, that person could exist. It doesn't. He's the pathological liar, the shithead who felt obligated to placate your arguments in the moment but didn't take any of it to heart.

Therapy can help deflect the misguided feelings, and also give you coping mechanisms for when things remind you of what went bad. Of course thinking about these things bother you -- they were horrible! But you need the tools to respond appropriately, which is to get your brain back on track with self-affirmation and understanding that the past can't be changed, but the future is completely yours.
posted by mikeh at 2:40 PM on May 31, 2017 [3 favorites]

Therapy sounds like a good idea, but given that you only found this out a week ago, you might also considering giving yourself permission to be upset. Breaking up with someone is one thing-- facing that they are completely and utterly as awful as you suspected is another. You have a right to be upset, and you have a right to mourn the man you thought he was. It doesn't mean you want to get back together with him.It doesn't say anything about your current relationship. It really only makes you human. If it were me, I would give myself a timeline for wallowing and then wallow-- at the end of that time I would get up, wipe myself off, and go on.

Practically, exercise is also a reasonably good way of dealing with intrusive thoughts. I like running. Walking is also good.
posted by frumiousb at 3:06 PM on May 31, 2017 [11 favorites]

Definitely therapy. Absolutely 100%.

As for the talking behind your back and crap, you need to rise above it, ignore, and go no contact. Any of your friends worth their salt will either see through his bullshit, or at the very least, ask for your side of his bullshit, before making their judgement. If they don't, drop them, they aren't worth it.

But seriously, go no contact. No texts, no emails, no Facebook, nothing. Block him anywhere & everywhere, especially his phone number. Any response, no matter how polite, is just feeding into him and giving him the attention he wants, and keeping the thread of the relationship alive.

Good luck!
posted by RhysPenbras at 3:44 PM on May 31, 2017 [2 favorites]

I would just like to 2nd the above: Cut. All. Contact. Tell your mutual friends to give you zero information about his goings-on.

And, please, then, be gentle on yourself. You were in this emotionally abusive , manipulative, chaotic, gaslighting relationship for what, 4 years? It doesn't seem reasonable to force yourself to be fully recovered and over it after 2 months. You are going to have ups and downs; you would after ending any long term relationship under any circumstances. It's ok to know you're better off and still feel shitty that this asshole who professed how you were the only one for him has quickly moved on to the next available thing. It's ok to feel variably pissed/sad/relieved/elated, but know that you are doing the right thing.
posted by gennessee at 4:03 PM on May 31, 2017 [5 favorites]

Just nthing what was said above.

Therapy, but before that, cut all contact, tell friends you don't want to hear about him, make sure you aren't on any social media that would accidentally give him information about him. If his name comes up, walk away.

Then after your first therapy session, go do something nice for yourself. Buy some ice cream, walk in the park, read a good book in your lawn chair. Because you've done a good thing and your life is now better absent the jerk.
posted by BlueHorse at 4:28 PM on May 31, 2017 [4 favorites]

Griefwork à la David Richo's "How To Be An Adult" has helped me process and come closer to being at peace with painful parts of my personal history. I started reading it around the same time i started counselling and my counsellor was quite pleased, "if i could get every client to read that book…!"

It's possible that this person's current behaviour is triggering the trauma you still feel from the relationship. In that scenario nearly ANY reminder of them could initiate a similar response. This could be your mind/body/soul complex telling you "there's more work, more to deal with here!" It's painful, it's also a blessing. You are telling yourself where the trauma is, what needs to be worked on. Try viewing yourself, or the part of you that is feeling pain, as a child and parenting yourself with unconditional love. Forgive yourself for making mistakes, and accept that you, and ~everyone~ makes mistakes.

Much love! You've overcome a huge obstacle, now time for the next series of obstacles.
posted by peterpete at 5:18 PM on May 31, 2017 [1 favorite]

You have two mantras to repeat constantly:

Thank GOD he isn't my problem any longer.

I will move forward in a positive manner.
posted by raisingsand at 6:44 PM on May 31, 2017 [1 favorite]

So this guy chronically lied, and now he's lying about you? Oh hon, think of this like confirming water is wet! Also, congratulate yourself every time this crosses your thoughts! You're fine!!

"Tim lied throughout our relationship and that's why I left him. I have no doubt he's still a liar."

Repeat that silently or out loud as often as necessary. Again, congratulations on reclaiming your life.
posted by jbenben at 6:45 PM on May 31, 2017 [6 favorites]

I hate to say this, but how can you be certain that he wasn't simply lying to you about the lies he was already telling everyone about you while you were still in a relationship together? Now, you are seeing the truth of what he's likely been saying all along. Unfortunately, the mutual friends who believe him have probably a complete and different understanding of your relationship saga than what you know to be the truth. From beginning to end. To now. They aren't your friends, and never were if that is the case. They were simply being entertained by his fantasy story - maybe some could be persuaded to believe otherwise, but it won't be from you trying to tell them. THAT, is something you'll have to prove to yourself - and maybe it will reach them via the grapevine, maybe it won't. I wouldn't trust them with a 10 foot pole. Unfortunately, you'll have to cut all possible contact. All of it. Block him. Block them (if you only know them through him). Block social media. Do not respond to messages. Move on.
posted by itsflyable at 9:16 PM on May 31, 2017 [3 favorites]

Look into dialectical behavior therapy, or DBT. There's lots of books, but the go-to is "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" by Matthew McKay.

I have been trying to deal with my own intrusive thoughts about a certain non-relationship lately, and it has dawned on me that the DBT skills I learned a while back would be very helpful if I would just bother to start using them again.
posted by old_growler at 9:59 PM on May 31, 2017 [3 favorites]

Ugh, what you're dealing with is the worst -- second hand contact to someone who is triggering to you (for good reason!) via people you like. Every time you talk to them (it has been my experience), you wonder "are they seeing me through Bob's eyes?" which gets you thinking about all the things he might've said to them about you. And him getting back with the person he cheated on you with must feel like being cheated on all over again, or like the entire relationship meant less to him than his relationship with that person.

I think you are going to have to really grapple with your feelings. We can reassure you and say bad things about him, but statements like this -- "I feel like a fool for staying in it for years and know I should have left years ago." -- are about your relationship with yourself, and that's where things get real. You have to grapple with why you did what you did, and what you've learned from it. Try to do this in a compassionate way -- with compassion both for the part of you that clung to the relationship, and for the part of you that got hurt by that. And try to do it in a way that affirms where and who you are now and where you want to go.
posted by salvia at 11:06 PM on May 31, 2017 [2 favorites]

aw, I just want to give you a glass of wine and a hug. I have totally been there, from dating a lying jerk, to finding out he'd been saying bad things about me behind my back, to being randomly upset again after some time has passed. And I can tell you it's all going to be ok. A thing that happens when you are in a relationship with someone who manipulates and gaslights you is that you end up having a hard time really connecting with your own feelings - they mess with your head so much that it's hard to really know what are your own thoughts and what are things that you have been manipulated into feeling. Once you get away from all that crap, you start sorting out the real from the garbage, and seeing that garbage heap that used to live in your head can be really upsetting. The important thing to know is you didn't make that garbage. A crappy person saw your kind heart, and decided to park all of their bullshit there. So, let yourself feel angry, and hurt, those are feelings that he manipulated you into suppressing, and now they are coming out in an ugly lump. They won't last forever though, you can feel them, and let them go. And no more feeling stupid or sorry - this mess was not of your making.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:50 PM on May 31, 2017 [4 favorites]

Hey! I remember your question from last time. First off, be kind to yourself. It's so incredibly difficult to leave a situation like this one. You're not pathetic, you're not stupid, and you don't have to be sorry. You loved him and wanted it to work. There's nothing wrong with feeling that. It's so hard to say to yourself, 'this will never be,' and leave. It takes tremendous courage. So what if you didn't do it immediately. You did it! That's awesome.

I was also in a situation where an disgruntled ex of mine and his new beau started telling mutual friends crappy lies about me in an effort to elevate their position and make them look less like awful human beings. And some of these friends actually believed the lies, because I was being silent on the matter. It sucked, and was pretty hurtful. It made me really angry too. In that situation, I didn't gossip back (ugh but I wanted to so bad), but I told my friends they shouldn't believe what was being said about me, that it wasn't the whole story. Those that did believe them, or treated me different? I let go as friends. But most people didn't take their side, because honestly, most of his 'friends' knew he was kinda awful. It still sucked, though, but I got through it by constantly reminding myself to be the better person.

Also don't feel guilty for not seeing it sooner. People like your ex are master manipulators. They know just the thing to say to keep things going; their entire life is a series of smoke and mirrors. He fooled your therapist-- this person is trained to see through bullshit, and they got bullshitted. So believe me, it isn't your fault.

It's trite, but he'll get what's coming to him. Because toxic people like your ex, do toxic things. Always. Not just to you, but to everyone. I mean, he seems kinda narcissistic to me-- and I feel like he puts on this 'face' to people. I bet people probably really like him when they first get to know him. I bet he fools a ton of people with this facade, like your couples therapist. But the thing is, people like that can't keep it up forever. They leave hurt and destruction in their wake on a massive scale. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a plethora of stories of people that he dislikes, people he has fallen out with. Ex-friends, ex-girlfriends. I bet that when you heard these stories, you thought, 'oh, poor guy, his exes were awful,' and comforted him over it. I also bet he acts as if he has 'bad luck' a lot of the time, and it's difficult for him to be happy. The thing is, it's not them-- it's him. He's the problem. He's the toxic one, he's the manipulative one. It's always been him. Everything he touches will turn bad. Thank your lucky stars you were smart enough to get out.

But I get that it is infuriating. But it's early, the feelings are fresh and new, and you just found out about him and her. So give it time. And honestly, at least for me, three years and a new relationship later, it still makes me twitchy sometimes. The good news, is that it gets easier and easier the more I moved forward, and I think back on it less and less.

So yes, it hurts now-- and it feels crappy, but mark my words: Misery follows people like your ex. It's not very zen of me, but in my situation I actually find comfort in the fact that I know deep in my heart-- they probably won't last. And even if they do stay together, there's extremely little chance it will be a happy, healthy relationship. There's too much drama, there's too much baggage-- it's a relationship built on lies, deceit and control, and mutual manipulation. And they both are kinda terrible. They deserve each other, honestly. It sounds awful to say, but this knowledge gives me immense schadenfreude, and it really helps me move on. If you're like me, then I have a good feeling it will be similar for your ex, honestly. People that manipulative and deceitful, etc, don't have a rosy life awaiting them. But the good news is, you do! You dodged a bullet; you are free, and things will only get better and better for you from now on. ♥

Good luck!
posted by Dimes at 1:49 AM on June 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

Except now I've found out that he's been saying untruthful things about me behind my back.

Repeat after me: a scumbag's gonna scumbag, and this kind of scumbag behaviour is a reflection of his own tendencies, not you.

Your reaction is perfectly understandable, and you really shouldn't beat yourself up about it. But you should take steps to look after yourself, which have been outlined pretty thoroughly - therapy, cutting him off completely, and asking friends not to pass on information about him. Your focus, concentration and good energy will return - this is just a blip in the breakup process.
posted by nerdfish at 2:47 AM on June 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Totally agree with what Dimes said. It describes a previous relationship of mine perfectly. Those intrusive thoughts you mentioned lasted about two years for me. Just randomly, out of the blue, I'd be driving or doing nothing in particular, and bam! I would be reminded about something the ex had said, and I would think, Oh my god, he was totally lying! I felt like I had PTSD from dating him. And if I happened to see him somewhere, I would get anxious and would need to leave.
And please do block him. Everywhere. I also had to unfriend mutual friends who either didn't see him for who he was, or stayed friends with him, which to my mind was their tacit approval of his behavior and his treatment of me. No loss.
It does get better.
posted by poppunkcat at 5:06 AM on June 1, 2017

I was in an incredibly emotionally abusive friendship for 8 years. She gaslighted me constantly and accustomed me to her ways of controlling me which included a lot of lying and deception. The single best thing I did for myself when I got out and away was go to therapy with a therapist who had a specialty in trauma. I saw him for many years, and he taught me so much about my own worth, how to forgive myself for staying so long, and how to truly be free of that relationship and let go. I could not have done it alone, and I could not have done it in 2 months. Sometimes we need someone else's support to unravel the snarl of our thoughts and responses after a damaging relationship.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 9:07 AM on June 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

When I was trying to cope with and heal from my emotionally abusive marriage (now ended), I found the writings of Steven Stosny to be immensely helpful. Really good, concrete practices for regaining your equilibrium when you are racked by painful feelings, for rebuilding the inner strength that you need to get into a healthier relationship next time. "Living and Loving after Betrayal" is the title I'm thinking of... I think it would help you a lot. Best of luck.. and congratulations for moving beyond that awful relationship. You deserve so much better.
posted by Sublimity at 6:28 PM on June 2, 2017