Keeping the peace at home and at daycare
May 27, 2017 4:08 PM Subscribe
Our nearly four-year-old has suddenly developed some separation anxiety issues, mostly centered around napping. It's especially bad at daycare, but we're not sure how to help him.
Our amazing little guy will be four in August. He's been going to daycare for three days a week since he was one. He's had the occasional time where he fussed at drop off but in every case has been fine after a couple of minutes.
Lately, something's been going on and we're not sure what. He started to get some separation anxiety issues focused mostly around me (dad). If he's gone to bed or for a nap, and then calls out and mom goes in and he wants me, he becomes nearly inconsolable. His daycare provider also told us that during his naps there he woke up a couple of times calling out for mommy and daddy, which he had never done before, and said he had a bad dream.
He's also been a bit fussy about his naps at home lately, too. We think he may be ready to drop his nap. Some days he'll crash out for a couple of hours, but on most days I'd say he doesn't nap much at all, though he's pretty content to hang out in his room and babble or sing to himself or whatever. We let him have a couple of books with him and that was okay, but today, for instance, he would only go a few minutes at a time before calling out to be soothed or to ask for a snuggle.
This past week, he went to daycare and was apparently upset and crying all day long. He settled a bit before lunch but it picked up again during his nap. After he came home, he was upset about the prospect of going the next day until we suggested that for that one day we'd pick him up at lunch time and he could nap at home. That was fine with him.
Today I asked him he would be okay napping at the daycare if we told his provider that he could take a book and a toy with him, and he got very upset and said he wanted to come nap at home. That's not a realistic option for us every day, but we're not sure what we can do to help him feel comfortable there. I guess on the one day earlier in the week it was disruptive enough that the daycare provider said that if we can't figure out how to solve it she might not be able to let him keep attending (it's a small home daycare).
I suspect he had some kind of bad dream and knows we won't be there to soothe him if that happens again. We've been reading books to him to try to make him feel better about bad dreams, and talking to him about the good things he can dream about, but it doesn't seem to be having much of an effect. He's been good at night at home.
He generally gets along well with all the kids at his daycare, and until this he's usually excited to go to daycare and see his friends and the daycare provider.
I guess what we're looking for is ways to help him cope with quiet time, if not a nap time, at home but especially at daycare.
Our amazing little guy will be four in August. He's been going to daycare for three days a week since he was one. He's had the occasional time where he fussed at drop off but in every case has been fine after a couple of minutes.
Lately, something's been going on and we're not sure what. He started to get some separation anxiety issues focused mostly around me (dad). If he's gone to bed or for a nap, and then calls out and mom goes in and he wants me, he becomes nearly inconsolable. His daycare provider also told us that during his naps there he woke up a couple of times calling out for mommy and daddy, which he had never done before, and said he had a bad dream.
He's also been a bit fussy about his naps at home lately, too. We think he may be ready to drop his nap. Some days he'll crash out for a couple of hours, but on most days I'd say he doesn't nap much at all, though he's pretty content to hang out in his room and babble or sing to himself or whatever. We let him have a couple of books with him and that was okay, but today, for instance, he would only go a few minutes at a time before calling out to be soothed or to ask for a snuggle.
This past week, he went to daycare and was apparently upset and crying all day long. He settled a bit before lunch but it picked up again during his nap. After he came home, he was upset about the prospect of going the next day until we suggested that for that one day we'd pick him up at lunch time and he could nap at home. That was fine with him.
Today I asked him he would be okay napping at the daycare if we told his provider that he could take a book and a toy with him, and he got very upset and said he wanted to come nap at home. That's not a realistic option for us every day, but we're not sure what we can do to help him feel comfortable there. I guess on the one day earlier in the week it was disruptive enough that the daycare provider said that if we can't figure out how to solve it she might not be able to let him keep attending (it's a small home daycare).
I suspect he had some kind of bad dream and knows we won't be there to soothe him if that happens again. We've been reading books to him to try to make him feel better about bad dreams, and talking to him about the good things he can dream about, but it doesn't seem to be having much of an effect. He's been good at night at home.
He generally gets along well with all the kids at his daycare, and until this he's usually excited to go to daycare and see his friends and the daycare provider.
I guess what we're looking for is ways to help him cope with quiet time, if not a nap time, at home but especially at daycare.
This age is really common to drop the nap, and it's not okay for the care provider to threaten to drop you as customers because it's a rocky transition. It's a hassle for her, yes, but that's part of her job. She should be working with you as partners to help him transition, not expecting you to solve it when you're not even there. Does she only have young kids that still nap? Does she have older kids that he can hang out with during the time when he was previously napping?
Neither of my kids had any success with replacing nap time with quiet time. They totally saw through the gambit of "I'm hoping you fall asleep while you are resting quietly with a book and a toy". So we just gave up on the nap entirely, had a different activity during what used to be nap time, and then I was able to reintroduce a quiet time later in the day (not at the old nap time) because they really were tired but were asserting their independence over their own schedule. It might be worth just ignoring nap/quiet time altogether, starting on days when he is not at daycare, to see how he does. If he's able to go-go-go all day long and not fall asleep during a late afternoon car ride, he probably just doesn't need that much sleep during the day anymore. Being forced to lay still and quiet might be unpleasant enough to be a "bad dream" on its own.
One of my kids used the "I'm scared/bad dreams/monster" thing as a way to keep me engaged during nap time and bedtime battles, because she knew that I would come to comfort her. So it's possible that your kid has twigged on that you will not leave him alone to be scared (which is a good thing!) and he's playing that up. It's also possible, as Everydayville says, that something you or the care provider might think is insignificant, has upset him.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 5:57 PM on May 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
Neither of my kids had any success with replacing nap time with quiet time. They totally saw through the gambit of "I'm hoping you fall asleep while you are resting quietly with a book and a toy". So we just gave up on the nap entirely, had a different activity during what used to be nap time, and then I was able to reintroduce a quiet time later in the day (not at the old nap time) because they really were tired but were asserting their independence over their own schedule. It might be worth just ignoring nap/quiet time altogether, starting on days when he is not at daycare, to see how he does. If he's able to go-go-go all day long and not fall asleep during a late afternoon car ride, he probably just doesn't need that much sleep during the day anymore. Being forced to lay still and quiet might be unpleasant enough to be a "bad dream" on its own.
One of my kids used the "I'm scared/bad dreams/monster" thing as a way to keep me engaged during nap time and bedtime battles, because she knew that I would come to comfort her. So it's possible that your kid has twigged on that you will not leave him alone to be scared (which is a good thing!) and he's playing that up. It's also possible, as Everydayville says, that something you or the care provider might think is insignificant, has upset him.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 5:57 PM on May 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
Maybe a transition object from you could reassure him? When my daughter had bad dreams at that age about fire, she slept with a picture of a fire extinguisher under her pillow so she could grab it in her dream and use it to put out the fire. When I was gone overnight, I gave her one of my night shirts (that smelled like Mommy) to hold close.
posted by metahawk at 9:51 PM on May 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by metahawk at 9:51 PM on May 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I have two kids (4 and 7) and both went through similar transitions. In my case the kids stopped napping around 3.5 years, there was a rocky transition, and then things smoothed out after 1-3 months. Our day care providers moved them out to to non-nap rooms and that did the trick.
I struggled with the transition from napping to non-napping in a couple specific ways, perhaps these experiences will be useful:
1. When non-napping started the kid was more likely to be tired and grumpy but not tired enough to nap during afternoons, causing grumpiness and aggravation for all involved at all times of the day.
2. When we tried to force naps or "quiet time" it was torture for the kid. It makes sense - how would you feel if in the middle of the day someone forced you into solitary confinement, took away all your stuff, and forbid you do any activity or talk to anyone? I mean if you are some kind of zen master you might enjoy it but the boredom and tedium is awful. Our kids would resort to any, I mean ANY kind emotional pleading or manipulation to get out of the nap room. He even faked sleep until the day care providers left the room and then snuck around the mats waking up the other kids to have someone to talk to.
3. Said grumpiness and aggravation often presented as or was combined with separation anxiety (wanting mom, wanting dad, clinging, crying, being a brat, etc). While there was some truth at the core (of course they want Mom, they love her, of course they want to stay home, home is fun, of course there are bad dreams sometimes and they are scary) most of the emotional storm was a coping mechanism/acting out tactic responding from the boredom of the forced nap.
4. I often spent days as stay-at-home parent to both kids and the loss of the nap SUCKED from the caregiver's perspective. It's exhausting work and nap time is a cherished respite for the grown-up caregiver. The day care may be feeling this if they are small in staff and space.
After a couple of months it all sorted out. The kids finished transition to non nappers and the anxiety at drop off went away. The day care moved the kids into separate room where they do a quiet activity like a drawing or craft.
My suggestion is you work with the day care to do a non-nap activity. If they try to enforce napping because they have mostly very little ones, or don't have the space or staff for a non-nap room, it's time to move up and out to a different day care.
At home I'd stick with the quiet time if it works, but not expect it too much anymore. If the kid is short on sleep and being a beast, I'd try coaxing them to sleep through a special activity on an as-needed basis, not as a routine. We used the car ride with nighttime blankie.
posted by sol at 9:16 AM on May 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
I struggled with the transition from napping to non-napping in a couple specific ways, perhaps these experiences will be useful:
1. When non-napping started the kid was more likely to be tired and grumpy but not tired enough to nap during afternoons, causing grumpiness and aggravation for all involved at all times of the day.
2. When we tried to force naps or "quiet time" it was torture for the kid. It makes sense - how would you feel if in the middle of the day someone forced you into solitary confinement, took away all your stuff, and forbid you do any activity or talk to anyone? I mean if you are some kind of zen master you might enjoy it but the boredom and tedium is awful. Our kids would resort to any, I mean ANY kind emotional pleading or manipulation to get out of the nap room. He even faked sleep until the day care providers left the room and then snuck around the mats waking up the other kids to have someone to talk to.
3. Said grumpiness and aggravation often presented as or was combined with separation anxiety (wanting mom, wanting dad, clinging, crying, being a brat, etc). While there was some truth at the core (of course they want Mom, they love her, of course they want to stay home, home is fun, of course there are bad dreams sometimes and they are scary) most of the emotional storm was a coping mechanism/acting out tactic responding from the boredom of the forced nap.
4. I often spent days as stay-at-home parent to both kids and the loss of the nap SUCKED from the caregiver's perspective. It's exhausting work and nap time is a cherished respite for the grown-up caregiver. The day care may be feeling this if they are small in staff and space.
After a couple of months it all sorted out. The kids finished transition to non nappers and the anxiety at drop off went away. The day care moved the kids into separate room where they do a quiet activity like a drawing or craft.
My suggestion is you work with the day care to do a non-nap activity. If they try to enforce napping because they have mostly very little ones, or don't have the space or staff for a non-nap room, it's time to move up and out to a different day care.
At home I'd stick with the quiet time if it works, but not expect it too much anymore. If the kid is short on sleep and being a beast, I'd try coaxing them to sleep through a special activity on an as-needed basis, not as a routine. We used the car ride with nighttime blankie.
posted by sol at 9:16 AM on May 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Just had a thought about quiet time: there's a way to do it that still gives you a break but isn't torture for the kid. What we did (starting around the age of yours, and still continuing... ours is now 4.5) is that his quiet time just involves playing quietly by himself in his room. Thus he can have whatever toys he wants, do whatever he wants -- no expectation or hope that he'll fall asleep -- it just has to be alone in his room.
Depending on your caregiver's setup, this should be possible if she works from the home. Just designate one of the rooms the "quiet room" and that's where he gets to go instead of nap. Let him take a bunch of really fun toys from home that he can only play with in there. Do what you can to make it a treat.
Ours did still end up spontaneously napping during these times occasionally, but it really enabled him to wean from naps in a natural way -- to decide for himself whether he needed to sleep or not -- and took the power struggle and manipulation way out of it. Plus we still got our break! Of course, our kid is an introvert so he genuinely enjoyed the chance to be alone and have some quiet; might be harder if you have a really extraverted kid. Still, it's worth a try. I share the intuition of other commenters that what's going on here is that your kid is doing whatever he can to get out of the torture of an hour of boredom in the middle of the day. Good luck!
posted by forza at 3:48 PM on May 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Depending on your caregiver's setup, this should be possible if she works from the home. Just designate one of the rooms the "quiet room" and that's where he gets to go instead of nap. Let him take a bunch of really fun toys from home that he can only play with in there. Do what you can to make it a treat.
Ours did still end up spontaneously napping during these times occasionally, but it really enabled him to wean from naps in a natural way -- to decide for himself whether he needed to sleep or not -- and took the power struggle and manipulation way out of it. Plus we still got our break! Of course, our kid is an introvert so he genuinely enjoyed the chance to be alone and have some quiet; might be harder if you have a really extraverted kid. Still, it's worth a try. I share the intuition of other commenters that what's going on here is that your kid is doing whatever he can to get out of the torture of an hour of boredom in the middle of the day. Good luck!
posted by forza at 3:48 PM on May 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
My 3.5 year old dropped her naps way early but sometimes falls back into the habit. When she does, she often wakes up cranky and inconsolable (not surprising; I also feel cranky after naps). The only thing that helps at all is giving her a big snack and something to drink on waking. Or skipping the nap.
I think it's possible he really is going through separation anxiety, that this isn't just a gambit for attention. I'd try giving him extra dad time in the evening and also just gently see if you can pinpoint his anxieties right now so you can work on talking through it with him. Maybe roleplay with some dolls--pretend a doll-kid goes to bed, wakes up sad about dad, that sort of thing.
Today I asked him he would be okay napping at the daycare if we told his provider that he could take a book and a toy with him, and he got very upset and said he wanted to come nap at home.
This is giving him a little too much power, I think, which in my experience tends to make kids more anxious in these kinds of situations, not less. I think you're going to have to be firm that he can't come home in the afternoons or else he's just going to keep testing those boundaries to see what happens. I'd let him know that it's okay to skip the nap at school if he doesn't want to nap--but don't offer the option of napping at home again.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:48 PM on May 28, 2017
I think it's possible he really is going through separation anxiety, that this isn't just a gambit for attention. I'd try giving him extra dad time in the evening and also just gently see if you can pinpoint his anxieties right now so you can work on talking through it with him. Maybe roleplay with some dolls--pretend a doll-kid goes to bed, wakes up sad about dad, that sort of thing.
Today I asked him he would be okay napping at the daycare if we told his provider that he could take a book and a toy with him, and he got very upset and said he wanted to come nap at home.
This is giving him a little too much power, I think, which in my experience tends to make kids more anxious in these kinds of situations, not less. I think you're going to have to be firm that he can't come home in the afternoons or else he's just going to keep testing those boundaries to see what happens. I'd let him know that it's okay to skip the nap at school if he doesn't want to nap--but don't offer the option of napping at home again.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:48 PM on May 28, 2017
Response by poster: Thanks, everybody. He is back at daycare today and we worked out with our provider that he'll be able to play quietly while the other kids are in their sleep room. As soon as we told him that was what was going to happen he was happy to go again. He didn't nap over the weekend (he was in his room with some books and a toy) and seemed very, very tired and cranky at the end of the day but was not falling asleep in the car in the late afternoon. However, he's been having a tough time at night, too, which probably didn't help. We'll see how he does today but so far no news is good news. : /
I do think there is some separation anxiety happening, too, but he was fine saying goodbye to me when I left for work this morning. It's mostly at sleep time that he gets upset if I'm not around.
posted by synecdoche at 10:24 AM on May 29, 2017
I do think there is some separation anxiety happening, too, but he was fine saying goodbye to me when I left for work this morning. It's mostly at sleep time that he gets upset if I'm not around.
posted by synecdoche at 10:24 AM on May 29, 2017
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Turned out that a new care provider at the daycare they used had opened her lunch box and some food fell out, so the provider had picked it up and put it in her own mouth. This little girl somehow felt like her possessions had been threatened, so my friend and her husband had to talk to her about how to cope with changes, and that no matter what happened, mommy and daddy would always be there to come get her and bring her home. (The food incident should have been handled differently by the provider, but that's an aside.)
It's possible your little guy might have encountered some kind of change somewhere that he's perceiving as uncomfortable, so perhaps you could ask him about that.
posted by Everydayville at 4:28 PM on May 27, 2017 [1 favorite]