Problems with social rejection

May 25, 2017 6:11 AM

Today I noticed that when I get rejected by people I get depressed and negative about it. For example, I ask a friend if they want to hang out Tuesday and they say they can't make it. And then they don't provide a day that works for them or I have to ask them what day works for them. I know I have a problem with feeling that people don't like me if they don't explicitly say "Hey, I like spending time with you". Getting rejected feeds into this feeling.

I've been totally rejected by people in the past and it's really shaken my self esteem. I've tried CBT and it didn't work for me. I'm also transitioning to a new therapist in a few weeks. What should I do about this so every time someone says no to me I don't get so affected and hurt?

posted by starlybri to Human Relations (11 answers total)

Well, being rejected does hurt.

And you have to allow for the possibility that maybe people don't like you if they don't make any effort to work out a time to see you.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but that's the way it is. Rejection isn't supposed to feel good!

Now personally I don't jump to any conclusions from one fizzled get-together, but if someone turns me down three times in a row and doesn't make any effort to seek out my company, my working assumption is they just don't want to see me. Because, pending further evidence to the contrary, that's the only reasonable interpretation.

The only solution is to ask someone else to hang out, and to broaden your social circle so you know enough people. This is not a really satisfying answer, in some ways, because it buys into the received wisdom that we can treat friends like a fungible commodity, and not like individuals each of whom is precious to us.

But really, there's no point pursuing people who seem not to want my company.

Once I accepted those facts and accepted that it does hurt, it started to hurt less. But honestly, your question is like "how do I stop feeling pain when someone treads on my foot?" At least if someone treads on your foot, you can get steel toe-capped boots! There's no solution to the pain of rejection other than to accept that it will happen and that it will hurt.
posted by tel3path at 6:27 AM on May 25, 2017 [7 favorites]

Maybe take a break from seeking these social interactions and focus on the things that you enjoy doing on your own for a while, perhaps until you are actively working through this particular issue with said new therapist. Approval-seeking will always disappoint, no one else can make you feel good about yourself or make you feel worthy. You have to believe you are worthy, you have to feel good about yourself, and others will typically mirror this belief back to you during your interactions. There's something to be said for the adage that we teach people how to treat us; that the way we treat ourselves and the beliefs that we hold about our worth are usually matched by the world around us. If we believe that we are worth spending time with and pursuing, then people will typically match this belief and behave accordingly. That said, it's going to be relative to who your friends are. If most of your friends are getting married and having children, then they aren't rejecting you, they're just overwhelmed with the changes going on in their lives and probably want to make time to relax instead of mingling the way they used to. There are stages in life where many friends can drift away, for a whole slew of reasons. Maybe it's time to take a step back and do some much needed self work, to learn to fully embrace yourself and to enjoy being you. I have a lot of fun on my own, exploring little nautical towns and even at home with a big fluffy blanket and a good book. I enjoy solitude. I think once you truly feel good about yourself, other people being busy or rejecting you won't bother you so much. Find things to enjoy, find your indulgences and pick a new hobby, whatever will fill your life with purpose and enjoyment. People come and go, they have children, move for work, change as people. The only constant will be you. Nurture your most important relationship for a while, the one you have with yourself. See if that helps first. After doing that I would definitely seek out people who will value you as much as you value them, and who actually have time to hang out. The best place to meet new friends is whilst doing something you love- volunteering, taking a class, anything you are passionate about. The people you'll meet whilst doing these things will share your passion and those are the best friends to have
posted by Avosunspin at 6:44 AM on May 25, 2017 [5 favorites]

Rather than feeling rejected by your friend and think it is about you, ask yourself if something is maybe going on with your friend?

From my perspective, I am going through an insanely busy time with work and family - and I have to turn down a lot of social engagements because a) insanely busy and b) what little downtime I have, I want to spend just shutting out the world. It sucks but I'll be around again once things settle down.
posted by kariebookish at 6:52 AM on May 25, 2017 [3 favorites]

Maybe people don't like you if they don't make any effort to work out a time to see you. But maybe they do like you, are just lazy or poorly socialized, and are relying on you to do the emotional labour of maintaining a relationship that they value.
posted by heatherlogan at 6:55 AM on May 25, 2017 [13 favorites]

Maybe it would feel more low-stakes and less like rejection if instead of asking to hang out generally, you came up with something cool to do and asked the person if they wanted to join you? Maybe your friend can't make it to the concert/play/speaker, but they're not rejecting the general proposition of hanging out with you. I'm worried you might still be hurt though -- so maybe scaling back affirmation-seeking for the short term might be easier. I'm not sure if it makes you feel better, but I have a very well-developed friend group and literally not one friend ever tells me that they enjoy hanging out with me (and I know they do or they would have quit showing up over the last 10 years) so that may not be something people do even if they really like you.
posted by *s at 7:32 AM on May 25, 2017

You sound like one of my close friends. She takes this kind of rejection very personally. However she also has very high social demands/needs. She'll ask to do many things and get together All.The.Time. For example this week we've had lunch Tuesday, drinks tonight, her kid's birthday party on Saturday and then she would like to get together on Memorial Day "cause we never see each other"!!! Now from my point of view, I'd still consider us very good friends if we only saw each other 1-2x a month so I'm am *always* turning down her invitations to get together because I just don't have the time even though I like her a lot. I'm telling you this story because recently a close mutual friend was just too busy to socialize more than once every two months. This lead to hurt feelings and my High Social Need friend went crazy about it, thought she was being rejected and kinda threw a grenade into our friendship circle.

So my advise from this is look at the situation objectively. It's possible for people to like you but not want to or be able to see you as often as you would like. I would pull back on your requests for time without shutting the door to friendship. If you find that your social needs are going unmet, expand your social circle.
posted by saradarlin at 7:48 AM on May 25, 2017 [5 favorites]

I am basically you. I'm an extroverted person with a lot of introverted friends. They often cancel on me for For Reasons.

It's hard for me to see those reasons as valid because I'm focused on my own rejection in the moment. The worst is dealing with how to be alone, especially when you've set yourself up not to be because you're meeting someone.

(Also, I've lost a lot of friendships thanks to life, so my pool is limited, and because of life events, it's hard for me to expand my circle as quickly as I'd like. It's the worst, and I feel you.)

You'll probably get a lot of advice on being comfortable with being alone, but I don't think people understand how difficult it is. While introverts hate having to suck it up and deal with people on a low battery, we charge ours by being around others. It hurts. It's often insurmountably hard. That's just what happens when you need other people.

Can you set up something semi-social as a backup each time? Think things through beforehand. I've used meetups to schedule low-key events that I make it to in case a friend cancels. Sometimes I hang out at cafes and read. If I'm around voices and people, it doesn't matter if they're not engaging with me. I also listen to podcasts. Chatty ones, which make me feel like I'm talking to other people, even when I'm not. I don't know if this is the case with you, but I tend to avoid quiet places when I feel like crap, because the quiet just reminds me I'm alone.

I've been in therapy for a while. CBT has stopped working for me on this, too. DBT was a little more helpful, I think. But what's kept me going are these strategies and knowing that I'm always less isolated and alone than I think I am.
posted by orangutan at 9:36 AM on May 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

I've occasionally had very explicit conversations with my friends about this sort of thing, particularly if they cancel on plans, offer to raincheck, but then never do. This is lifted from one gchat conversation: "listen, i get bailing on drinks at the 11th hour. life happens. but when you do that and don't make rescheduling a priority the message I get changes from 'something came up' to 'this isn't a priority for me.'"

Friend apologized, and we had dinner the following day. So, consider having an upfront conversation with the people who are canceling on you about how it makes you feel.
posted by craven_morhead at 11:00 AM on May 25, 2017 [3 favorites]

Seconding all of the suggestions re: being direct with the people canceling on you at the 11th hour and why this behavior is less-than-ideal, and about delving deeply into activities that YOU enjoy.

I did want to add, however, that there can be real value in spending time with folks who need you even more than you need them. Potential matches for this criterion include a pet you adopt (which will always be happy to see you, and will reward the time and effort you spend on it with undying loyalty and gratitude), a lonely relative (so long as this relative is not also emotionally manipulative or draining), or even a disadvantaged kid (the Big Brothers/ Big Sisters program could be a good match for this situation). For one thing, this can help ensure that your social batteries are consistently charged (which, in the long term, will hopefully help insulate you from the emotional pain of rejection, as you will at least be in a healthier and happier emotional state going into the high-risk social situation).

I also love the idea of having a backup plan - i.e., "... and if they say no, I will be able to have an evening all to myself to do _____!" The idea of formulating this backup plan is that the activity chosen as a backup is so appealing as to almost make you want to call off the social engagement yourself in favor of doing the backup activity instead.
posted by soaringpineapple at 4:23 PM on May 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

There's a saying that "what other people think of you is none of your business."

It sounds like you're having a hard time with rejection because you think people are turning down invitations because they don't like you. However there are tons of other reasons that people might not accept an invitation: they have a conflict, have to work late, they've run out of spoons for the day, they don't want to go that movie theater where their ex works, they're depressed and not leaving the house at all, they're feeling queasy and just want to go home and drink some ginger ale, they've already had their one social event for the week and need to introvert, etc. Not liking you is only one dot in a galaxy of possibilities, and it doesn't make sense to focus your telescope on that one.

I *do* think it's a good rule of thumb to stop inviting people to get together if they turn down 3 invitations without any attempt to reschedule or reciprocate. It's not necessarily the case that they don't like you, but I just don't care to be part of something one-sided and prefer to focus on friendships that feel more reciprocal. (Though there are some friendships where I kind of do all the driving because I'm the more extroverted one - but there are other factors that reassure me that they like me).

The backup plan is a good idea. I'd want it to have a social element myself. Maybe you can invite people to things you intend to do whether they come along or not. If they say no, go and have a great time anyway.

I do wonder if your friends are generally affirming and positive towards you? It doesn't bug me much when my friend who I *know* loves me can't make dinner on X night. But when it's from someone who I'm unsure of, it can sting more. So make sure you're focusing on the people who care about you. If people aren't showing you that you matter to them ... focus elsewhere.
posted by bunderful at 4:38 PM on May 25, 2017

Your course of action here really depends on how accurate your perceptions are. Sometimes it might be like, oh noooo, my friend doesn't want to get together this week she doesn't like me and doesn't care about seeing me! And then you remember getting together a week ago and how she invited you to get lunch earlier in the month, and then you have to deal with it as anxiety.

Or maybe it's like, my friend never wants to see me! I've invited him to do things once a week for three weeks (or whatever a typical frequency feels like) and he's been "busy" and not offering any explanation... I would probably reach out then and say, hey, how are you doing? Are you too busy to hang out for a while, or are there some times or activities that might work better for you? It doesn't feel good to have to turn down fun events, either, so I'd want to be compassionate to them. Maybe they're just really busy and can't see their way out.
posted by Lady Li at 2:17 PM on May 27, 2017