How to suffer the slings and arrows of not-so-outrageous fortune?

May 23, 2017 11:46 PM

Everybody's life has lucky breaks and unlucky ones, minor-league bummers interspersed with the good fortune (and vice versa). It feels like a secret to happiness is fully appreciating the good things that happen and letting go of the bad ones. What do you do if your mental tendencies push you in the opposite direction?

Background: a few recent trivial downers (losing a $5 bill in the supermarket, breaking a dish, buying a really good sandwich to take on a flight and then leaving it behind in a friend's car) are causing me a lot more emotional agitta than I know they're worth. I can tell myself how minor they are; I can remind myself of all the good things in my life; I can earnestly say (and even believe) that "if this is the worst thing that happens to me today I'm incredibly lucky." But saying it and believing it isn't the same thing as *feeling* it. The frustration doesn't dissipate easily if at all -- every time these things come to mind they're refreshed with the same "oh dammit" feeling, the same sense of "this didn't need to happen and if I'd had my wits about me it wouldn't have." Even though of course nobody has their wits about them all the time.

I know "loss aversion" is a thing, as is habituation to positive events, so I know that this is a natural human tendency. As with all human tendencies, it's expressed on a curve -- some people are less affected, others more so. It's been pretty clear to me for a while now that I'm the latter.

If you're someone in the latter group, like me, how do you train your thinking to minimize its effect? How can I let things like this go, rather than just telling myself "I should let this go"?

posted by anonymous to Grab Bag (11 answers total)

I have a genetic condition that already gave me colon cancer once, and sometime very soon I need to have a couple of hideous surgeries to lower my likelihood of getting cancer again. And even after all that, my risk of cancer is still a lot higher than the average person. It's a fucking mess, and it's very easy to feel like I'm just cursed.

But I remind myself that in some ways I've been very lucky. Thanks to Barack Obama I was able to afford insurance when I needed it, and I got my cancer diagnosed and treated in time. If I'd gotten sick during W's administration, I would have just died. Simple as that. (And Trump may very well smash the whole thing soon with his stubby orange muppet fingers, meaning I got sick during the only time in American history when somebody like me could afford to get treatment. What were the odds?) Because of the scientific era I live in, I was able to have the tests that found my freaky genetic condition. I had loving people in my life who took care of me during the very difficult recovery from my first surgery, and I know they're ready to help me through the next round of awful stuff.

I've said this before here, but so much of life is spin. It's not about ignoring problems, life is really annoying and sad. But even as you deal with all the things that went wrong, you can't lose sight of all the things that went right.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:04 AM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]

I found the philosophy of Epictetus to be a huge splash of water in the face every time for situations like this. "So I have to be beheaded tomorrow morning. So on top of that do I also have to feel miserable about it or not?"
posted by johngoren at 5:19 AM on May 24, 2017 [11 favorites]

I am a happy and content person who uses several tools to let the little stuff go. I've always believed that if you come out of a bad situation and have learned something, then you are ahead, and I focus on salvaging that one little jewel from the wreckage.

For the trivial stuff, I usually just stop and say "Thank you, Universe, for the warning this morning that I need to gather myself and be more aware of my surroundings. I appreciate the sign!" I really try to feel grateful that some very small thing went wrong to help me avoid a larger bad thing.

And then I try to put a positive spin on it. Lost the five bucks? Maybe someone will find it who really, really needed it. Left the sandwich behind? Well, at least I patronized the place that makes really great sandwiches. Broke a favorite thing? Take a minute to reflect on why we shouldn't imbue objects with emotional attachment. Or whatever. It's a skill that needs to be practiced.

In one of those work team building things a long time ago, we were presented with a "level of consciousness" excercise. The top goal wasn't peace or contentment or happiness, it was gratitude. I was surprised, but after working it through, the facilitator was rift. If you live in a state of gratitude, all the rest comes with it.
posted by raisingsand at 6:33 AM on May 24, 2017 [5 favorites]

It feels like a secret to happiness is fully appreciating the good things that happen and letting go of the bad ones.

Or is it embracing everything, taking them as they come, not forcing things into a binary of good or bad, just life?

Otherwise you're going to be setting yourself up to keep a running tab and waiting your whole life for things to be more good than bad, which, I don't think that happens. Then when someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, you start to feel life has it out for you when really it's something most of us must deal with.

[I'm not a very happy person, so I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I don't really agree with the premise. I only know I feel better when I'm on an even keel. Big raise? Wow, that's cool, but I'm still me. Person elbowing me on the train? Wow, that sucks, but it's part of commuter life.]
posted by kapers at 6:53 AM on May 24, 2017

I have a tendency to dwell on thoughts, so I do two things to manage this. I actively turn up the volume on positive thoughts and turn down the volume on negative thoughts. I take time to note positive events or situations, and I talk about them out loud. This means my mind is most frequently processing grateful, happy thoughts.

Turning down the negative thoughts is harder. I give myself permission to feel badly, and I hash out negative events out loud. For me, telling the story once lets me process it. Events that stick in my craw almost always mean that I am frustrated or worried about how my own actions played into the situation. Admitting this to someone lets me get it out, though it only works when the other person knows that they are simply a hearer of my words.

If a very persistent thought refuses to be dislodged, then I have to re-direct my thoughts: books with exciting by easy plot lines, swimming, or cycling.

I am less obsessive now. A key for me was realizing that I have extremely limited control over my world, and none over other people. My only locus of control is managing my own reactions. Paired with kindness to myself, this has been a game-changer.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 6:54 AM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]

Train yourself to focus on positive thinking. Strengthen the pathways in your brain that lead to good feelings. In my experience, it is actual hard work to make the change from focusing primarily on the negative to a more accepting and grateful point of view. But if you do the work, you will start to notice your attitude changing. It's not that things like losing a 5$ bill won't matter, but they will start to not matter quite so much.
posted by Crystal Fox at 8:28 AM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

The specific examples you provide are things that stress me out a lot because they involve the loss of money in some sense, and even after I became financially able to absorb those losses painlessly, I was in the habit of stressing about money so I kept on doing it. It helps me to remind myself that I have the money and it’s no biggie… kinda “duh,” but I catastrophized these things so much that I needed to actually tell myself that.

My particular psychology might also be helped by having a specific “bad luck” budget, to absorb losses, track down the favorite dish on e-bay, whatever.
posted by metasarah at 8:34 AM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

I am generally on the optimistic side, except during periods of high stress, low sleep, not eating well, and not getting enough exercise.

When I'm not in survival mode*, it's relatively easy to cope with bad things. I can brush off small things, and for the big things, well, my attitude is that it could have been much much worse. What I'm going through might suck, but I can handle it.

When I'm sleep-deprived and metaphorically putting out fires left and right, I want to cry if I can't find the right color pen or a restaurant forgets napkins with my lunch. Minor things feel huge when there is just too much on your plate.

So, this may or may not apply to you, but it's worth evaluating whether you can lower your stress level some or find ways to take care of yourself a little better. This is usually not easy, but it's something to think about.

* I have a mostly easy life, so think "I just have to get through finals week and then I can feel like a human again" survival, not "I just have to get away from this bear and then I won't be dead" survival.
posted by ktkt at 11:34 AM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

Eventually you are going to lose something huge. Like a person. Or you're going to stumble into doing something truly horrible. The agony over that will eclipse the regret you feel over these pain-in-the-ass little losses, and they will sting less. That is going to be a bad time, but the good thing is, it isn't here, yet.

The bad time is here for me. It is possibly because of that in some weird Freudified way that I regularly throw stuff away; I have to re-order my credit card practically yearly because I leave it at gas stations all the time. I dropped my wallet in a peach orchard for no reason whatsoever. Bank card, driver's license, keys--if it's something I need to function, it will not be with me long. Stuff just flies away, or rather, I hurl it from me. It's annoying, sure, but memories of things I've done that have hurt other people are worse times a million. That this little stuff still bothers you is a great sign: you're still innocent. Revel in your disappointment over the forgotten sandwiches of yesteryear as long as you possibly can. Wistful regret trumps grief and guilt any day.

Another key point to remember is, a really good sandwich is definitely the best thing. So it's not weird to be disappointed you didn't get to eat your sandwich, even a long time later. Especially since life is difficult and the future is full of horrifying pain that will strike we know not when. A missed-out-on sandwich isn't trivial. Not at all.
posted by Don Pepino at 1:52 PM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

Is it possible you're so convinced that you need to treat petty disappointments as unimportant, that you're shaming yourself for feeling bad about them at all? It's definitely true that you shouldn't dwell on them, but are you giving yourself permission to lean into the negative moment, even just for a minute, and say "that really sucks!"? Punching a pillow or letting out a little yell or writing an angry rant (even if you would never post it), or whatever you do to blow off anger and move on, are totally okay for coping with the small stuff too. Ignoring it without acknowledging the suckiness, on the other hand, is (IME) a surefire way to let it keep biting at you.
posted by Mchelly at 2:15 PM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]

It was almost 20 years ago that I read Admiral James Stockdale's essay on Stoicism. Stockdale was taken prisoner in Vietnam and used the lessons of the Stoic philosophers to survive mentally.

When I first read it, my reaction was that he had a lot of mental discipline, and that was great for him, but I could never be like that. But it gave me the idea of Stoicism as an ideal.

Since then, every time I've been in a difficult situation, I tried to remind myself of the Stoic ideal. And very slowly, over time, I became better and better at reacting stoically. Now I have a great deal of mental discipline, even though I had practically none when I started.

I think you're on the right track. You have an idea of how you want to react to things, and you remind yourself of that in the moment. Think of this as practice, and give yourself a good long time before you expect results.

There's a specific technique that is helpful for some people in changing their thinking called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There are therapists who specialize in this method, and there is also a good book that can teach you how to do it without the help of a therapist. The book is called Feeling Good, and it's for people with depression, but the exercises are basic and can be used by anyone, depressed or not.

Another technique that many find very helpful is to keep a Gratitude Journal.

I think you can get the results you want. Just give it some time.
posted by Surprised By Bees at 9:00 PM on May 25, 2017