Telling an emotional friend that I may be moving across the country?
May 17, 2017 1:35 PM Subscribe
My partner and I have decided to move from our awesome but overpriced city to a more affordable area that is closer to both of our families. We will be doing this within the next year/year-and-a-half. I am very worried about breaking the news to my closest friend here, who can be very emotional and quick to anger.
Last year when I told her we looked at an apartment in a nearby city, she flew into a rage and basically acted like our entire friendship was going to be over. We ended up staying put in our current apartment, but now, we have decided to move to a city that is halfway across the country.
I feel guilty and like I'm being dishonest right now because I have not shared this with her. But she is a very emotional person and has put a lot of stock into us living close to one another for our whole lives. I would love to do this but realistically we cannot afford this area and it's far from both my partners' and my families. (Her partner is very well off and they can afford the area.) We are constantly stressed about how expensive it is here and are also spending lots of money to visit faraway family instead of saving it. Moving would solve these issues although we will greatly miss our current place and our friends here.
Am I a bad person for not sharing with her that I am planning to move a year and a half from now? She is a very loyal, wonderful, devoted friend in many ways and we typically share everything with one another. But I am feeling panick-y about telling her that we could move because I don't want to be yelled at/face her extremely negative emotions. Any advice about breaking this kind of news to others, and/or what logical, normal-person boundaries are, and what the timing is for telling people you are moving, is welcome. I'm already stressed about the actual move... this is adding to the stress in a very unwelcome, overwhelming way.
Last year when I told her we looked at an apartment in a nearby city, she flew into a rage and basically acted like our entire friendship was going to be over. We ended up staying put in our current apartment, but now, we have decided to move to a city that is halfway across the country.
I feel guilty and like I'm being dishonest right now because I have not shared this with her. But she is a very emotional person and has put a lot of stock into us living close to one another for our whole lives. I would love to do this but realistically we cannot afford this area and it's far from both my partners' and my families. (Her partner is very well off and they can afford the area.) We are constantly stressed about how expensive it is here and are also spending lots of money to visit faraway family instead of saving it. Moving would solve these issues although we will greatly miss our current place and our friends here.
Am I a bad person for not sharing with her that I am planning to move a year and a half from now? She is a very loyal, wonderful, devoted friend in many ways and we typically share everything with one another. But I am feeling panick-y about telling her that we could move because I don't want to be yelled at/face her extremely negative emotions. Any advice about breaking this kind of news to others, and/or what logical, normal-person boundaries are, and what the timing is for telling people you are moving, is welcome. I'm already stressed about the actual move... this is adding to the stress in a very unwelcome, overwhelming way.
Would it be possible to tell her in a public place and/or when both of you and your partners are there? That may cut down on both how explosive the reaction is and you'll be aided the fact that people's SOs are usually much better at getting them to calm down and chill out than their friends are (especially when it's their friends telling them bad news.)
posted by griphus at 1:43 PM on May 17, 2017 [31 favorites]
posted by griphus at 1:43 PM on May 17, 2017 [31 favorites]
Am I a bad person for not sharing with her that I am planning to move a year and a half from now?
Nope! She's demonstrated that she can't be trusted with the information. It's going to suck when you tell her. Wait until the last possible minute and yes, I like the idea of telling her in public.
Some friends of mine just moved from our city, and I am really bummed out about it. They did it just because they wanted to go someplace new, not even because it was financially stressful or anything. They told people pretty late, and they told a lot of people at once - maybe a month or two before moving, when they put their condo on the market.
I am pretty sure no one yelled at them about this.
posted by mskyle at 1:47 PM on May 17, 2017 [27 favorites]
Nope! She's demonstrated that she can't be trusted with the information. It's going to suck when you tell her. Wait until the last possible minute and yes, I like the idea of telling her in public.
Some friends of mine just moved from our city, and I am really bummed out about it. They did it just because they wanted to go someplace new, not even because it was financially stressful or anything. They told people pretty late, and they told a lot of people at once - maybe a month or two before moving, when they put their condo on the market.
I am pretty sure no one yelled at them about this.
posted by mskyle at 1:47 PM on May 17, 2017 [27 favorites]
Last year when I told her we looked at an apartment in a nearby city, she flew into a rage and basically acted like our entire friendship was going to be over.
I wouldn't tell her until you've already moved.
posted by empath at 1:48 PM on May 17, 2017 [12 favorites]
I wouldn't tell her until you've already moved.
posted by empath at 1:48 PM on May 17, 2017 [12 favorites]
This is one of those things it's OK to keep private. Especially with you moving date being so far away. It's not lying! Anyway, a year is a long time from today, plans change, etc..
I think the real problem is that you allow people you consider good friends to step all over what should be normal adult boundaries. Advocating for yourself in relationships is a skill and you can learn it! Don't miss this opportunity!!
posted by jbenben at 1:57 PM on May 17, 2017 [18 favorites]
I think the real problem is that you allow people you consider good friends to step all over what should be normal adult boundaries. Advocating for yourself in relationships is a skill and you can learn it! Don't miss this opportunity!!
posted by jbenben at 1:57 PM on May 17, 2017 [18 favorites]
The wise default on the green seems to be face-to-face disclosure of important information with partners, friends, and family. But I wonder, in this case, if you could use the excuse of the previous upset as a reason for writing an e-mail or letter announcing your move once the pieces are in place but before you've told others. Why should you subject yourself to certain, possible friendship ending blowback? In your written communication, be gentle but firm. Reassure her that your deep connection will continue, but in a new way. (It may not continue no matter how you present the information, but a written communication gives you a way of explaining your reasons and giving your friend some space to deal with it.)
posted by Elsie at 1:58 PM on May 17, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by Elsie at 1:58 PM on May 17, 2017 [10 favorites]
Maybe lay the groundwork by telling her for a couple days first how difficult and stressful the cost of living problem has been for you. When you tell her about the move you can couch it as "we've come up with a solution that I hope is going to work for our family, although it breaks my heart to have to move far away," &c.
Hopefully, as your friend, she can be made to remember to care about your welfare.
(Obviously I dislike the idea of coddling bad behavior in grown-ups... but stuff like this can be hurtful even to decently behaved people. I think it's important to use language that focuses on how the move is going to make life easier for you, that it's not a rejection of the area she's staying in (and by extension of her and her priorities.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:58 PM on May 17, 2017 [8 favorites]
Hopefully, as your friend, she can be made to remember to care about your welfare.
(Obviously I dislike the idea of coddling bad behavior in grown-ups... but stuff like this can be hurtful even to decently behaved people. I think it's important to use language that focuses on how the move is going to make life easier for you, that it's not a rejection of the area she's staying in (and by extension of her and her priorities.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:58 PM on May 17, 2017 [8 favorites]
You asked about timelines. For a normal relationship with a close friend, I would already have shared with them how frustrating it was trying to get by in an expensive city far from my family, and so they would already be aware that things weren't perfect in my life. Then I would mention that we'd talked as a couple and that partner was starting to look at jobs back home. And when/if they were upset, sort of shrug and say "who knows, it might not happen!". And then don't talk about it again until you make a decision, you can continue to basically (let her) pretend it's not happening. But then when something does progress, it's not like you didn't warn her. But my friends are not your friend, YMMV.
posted by aimedwander at 2:01 PM on May 17, 2017 [15 favorites]
posted by aimedwander at 2:01 PM on May 17, 2017 [15 favorites]
and has put a lot of stock into us living close to one another for our whole lives
Not normal, and not your problem. A friend would be at least as happy for you, as they might be sad for the impact on your shared relationship. You shouldn't need to manage this disclosure.
posted by so fucking future at 2:02 PM on May 17, 2017 [18 favorites]
Not normal, and not your problem. A friend would be at least as happy for you, as they might be sad for the impact on your shared relationship. You shouldn't need to manage this disclosure.
posted by so fucking future at 2:02 PM on May 17, 2017 [18 favorites]
But I am feeling panick-y about telling her that we could move because I don't want to be yelled at/face her extremely negative emotions.
Do you really want to be friends with someone who generates such feelings in you?
posted by TrinsicWS at 2:22 PM on May 17, 2017 [34 favorites]
Do you really want to be friends with someone who generates such feelings in you?
posted by TrinsicWS at 2:22 PM on May 17, 2017 [34 favorites]
Wait, so you normally tell her everything... except when you can't tell her stuff because she gets upset and flips out, and now you're afraid to tell her this because she's going to flip out and scream at you and you're afraid of hurting her feelings? This sounds like personality disorder territory. If you tell her you're moving before the actual date, I'd expect not just one blowup but many repeated blowups because she will not only see it as a betrayal but will bring it up over and over and over how much she is hurt by this, how much she relies on your friendship, can't you reconsider, etc etc. Your options look like this:
1) pretend that this isn't how she's going to react and tell her like you would tell anyone else and then deal with the subsequent flipouts
2) end the friendship with or without telling her - you can end it by ghosting, or after you tell her and she starts screaming
3) tell her after you move
1 and 2 are essentially the same option in terms of your timing, but just have a different response by you to her bad behavior. 3 anticipates the bad behavior, but if you don't end the friendship when you move it's going to be an endless set of complaints about your betrayal and how you didn't even tell her you were moving and don't you care about her.
I'll second other advice that if you do tell her before you move, have both your partner and hers there for it and do it in public. Then when you leave turn your phone off for a while.
posted by bile and syntax at 2:31 PM on May 17, 2017 [6 favorites]
1) pretend that this isn't how she's going to react and tell her like you would tell anyone else and then deal with the subsequent flipouts
2) end the friendship with or without telling her - you can end it by ghosting, or after you tell her and she starts screaming
3) tell her after you move
1 and 2 are essentially the same option in terms of your timing, but just have a different response by you to her bad behavior. 3 anticipates the bad behavior, but if you don't end the friendship when you move it's going to be an endless set of complaints about your betrayal and how you didn't even tell her you were moving and don't you care about her.
I'll second other advice that if you do tell her before you move, have both your partner and hers there for it and do it in public. Then when you leave turn your phone off for a while.
posted by bile and syntax at 2:31 PM on May 17, 2017 [6 favorites]
But I am feeling panick-y about telling her that we could move because I don't want to be yelled at/face her extremely negative emotions.
I'm sorry, I know that bad feeling. Sometimes it's helpful for me to model what "normative" behavior would be for this sort of thing from a friend. Like, a normal thing to say would be "Oh hey I am going to miss you so much and I am bummed but you have to do what is right for you. Let's find a way to get together sometimes and we;'ll stay in touch over Skype!" Your friend's likely reaction is so far out of normal, it's not really friend-like. I mean hey she feels what she feels and it's fine if she's a little concerned about her own feelings but it's absolutely unacceptable for her to yell, or be angry at you when you talk to her about this because that is just not how grown-ups act.
Now maybe you guys have a long history of this being the way this sort of thing goes down in which case it's going to be a bit of a stretch to get things back to a normal style of interactions but I'm in camp "pull the bandaid off" because it will give you more time to either
1. repair the relationship (with her coming to terms with you leaving and her developing a level of acceptance of this)
2. end the relationship
I agree that I would be telling her in public with partners and then not letting her later corner you with her bad feelings. That is not how friends treat each other absent some actual wrongdoing or bad behavior and even then... it's not good. I have a friend who is not great at managing her emotions and her way of dealing with stuff is to bottle it up, get frustrated and them be like "Look I just gotta say this..." and randomly bitch me out for things that happened weeks ago and ... that's just not a mature way of dealing with things. But part of friendship is helping people be a better friend to you... to a point. Obviously your anxiety figures into this but if you tell her it will be one less thing to worry about. You don't have to maintain a relationship with someone who treats you poorly, so while her reacting to your happy news may be crappy, it can easily be the last crappy thing she ever says to you. You are in charge here.
posted by jessamyn at 2:39 PM on May 17, 2017 [13 favorites]
I'm sorry, I know that bad feeling. Sometimes it's helpful for me to model what "normative" behavior would be for this sort of thing from a friend. Like, a normal thing to say would be "Oh hey I am going to miss you so much and I am bummed but you have to do what is right for you. Let's find a way to get together sometimes and we;'ll stay in touch over Skype!" Your friend's likely reaction is so far out of normal, it's not really friend-like. I mean hey she feels what she feels and it's fine if she's a little concerned about her own feelings but it's absolutely unacceptable for her to yell, or be angry at you when you talk to her about this because that is just not how grown-ups act.
Now maybe you guys have a long history of this being the way this sort of thing goes down in which case it's going to be a bit of a stretch to get things back to a normal style of interactions but I'm in camp "pull the bandaid off" because it will give you more time to either
1. repair the relationship (with her coming to terms with you leaving and her developing a level of acceptance of this)
2. end the relationship
I agree that I would be telling her in public with partners and then not letting her later corner you with her bad feelings. That is not how friends treat each other absent some actual wrongdoing or bad behavior and even then... it's not good. I have a friend who is not great at managing her emotions and her way of dealing with stuff is to bottle it up, get frustrated and them be like "Look I just gotta say this..." and randomly bitch me out for things that happened weeks ago and ... that's just not a mature way of dealing with things. But part of friendship is helping people be a better friend to you... to a point. Obviously your anxiety figures into this but if you tell her it will be one less thing to worry about. You don't have to maintain a relationship with someone who treats you poorly, so while her reacting to your happy news may be crappy, it can easily be the last crappy thing she ever says to you. You are in charge here.
posted by jessamyn at 2:39 PM on May 17, 2017 [13 favorites]
Wow. I wouldn't wait until you move to not see her, I'd start right now.
posted by Jubey at 2:39 PM on May 17, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 2:39 PM on May 17, 2017 [4 favorites]
I have a friend who I am very close to who would be emotionally devestated if I suddenly moved, so I sympathize. And I sympathize with however dramatically the friend may want to deal with it. When you lose someone close to you, it's normal to experience grief.
From that perspective, I think you should tell her as soon as you are 100% certain that you are moving. Otherwise you are being deceitful, which is as bad for your friendship as her negative reactions. I wish I could provide advice on how to make it less painful for you two, though.
posted by tofu_crouton at 2:39 PM on May 17, 2017 [8 favorites]
From that perspective, I think you should tell her as soon as you are 100% certain that you are moving. Otherwise you are being deceitful, which is as bad for your friendship as her negative reactions. I wish I could provide advice on how to make it less painful for you two, though.
posted by tofu_crouton at 2:39 PM on May 17, 2017 [8 favorites]
My closest friend -- the only close friend I have ever lived near, who has literally unveiled a whole new world of friendship to me -- recently casually dropped that she's applied for jobs in other countries. I assume if she gets one (which she will) we'll have a more personal, gentle discussion about it...
The point is that I am already distressed and when the announces she's leaving, I will be disconsolate. I will be sad, and lonely, and it will be like a breakup. And I will set my misery aside and be a cheerleader for her because I want all the best things in the world for her.
And it doesn't matter that what's best for her is terrible for me. That's how much I love her.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:46 PM on May 17, 2017 [26 favorites]
The point is that I am already distressed and when the announces she's leaving, I will be disconsolate. I will be sad, and lonely, and it will be like a breakup. And I will set my misery aside and be a cheerleader for her because I want all the best things in the world for her.
And it doesn't matter that what's best for her is terrible for me. That's how much I love her.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:46 PM on May 17, 2017 [26 favorites]
(Sorry: so in light of the above, I would protect yourself and tell her the week before you put the house on the market.)
posted by DarlingBri at 3:06 PM on May 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 3:06 PM on May 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
Also: planning to tell her after you move is likely to fall apart as you get closer to the date, because you and everyone else who knows her will have to not ever mention it, you will not be able to have her at your house once you start packing, and all of the little details that people will normally talk to their friends about will be things you have to avoid like the plague. This is going to make it look like you're hiding something, and then you'll have the choice between upsetting her because you're moving and upsetting her because you're moving and you lied about it.
posted by bile and syntax at 3:27 PM on May 17, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 3:27 PM on May 17, 2017 [3 favorites]
Once you start telling other people, you are going to have to tell her. I would wait until you're a few months out to share the news, but if other people will know prior to that, you are going to have to adjust your timeline accordingly.
posted by delight at 4:19 PM on May 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by delight at 4:19 PM on May 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
Yes, just tell her as soon as you are sure. It would be so much worse if she found out you were hiding it from her.
I recently had a very close friend move away, and while I (think I) handled it in a mature fashion, it was really hard!
Her previous reaction was definitely out of line, and hopefully there's a way to talk to her about that.
Do you maybe have a mutual friend (not your partner) that you could warn ahead of time, and then tell them together?
posted by exceptinsects at 5:57 PM on May 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
I recently had a very close friend move away, and while I (think I) handled it in a mature fashion, it was really hard!
Her previous reaction was definitely out of line, and hopefully there's a way to talk to her about that.
Do you maybe have a mutual friend (not your partner) that you could warn ahead of time, and then tell them together?
posted by exceptinsects at 5:57 PM on May 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
Tell her a few months before you leave. Why prolong things? Besides, anything can happen in a year and a half and your situation could change.
I moved far from a friend who is very bonded to me. She was very, very sad and a bit frustrated by life and how it can change, but she never got angry at me or expected me to endure bad emotional onslaughts. When you tell her a few months ahead of the move, put up a clear boundary and tell her that you're not going to submit to her inappropriate outbursts and behavior and then follow through with not allowing her to treat you poorly. If she asks why you didn't tell her earlier, be honest about why.
posted by quince at 7:33 PM on May 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
I moved far from a friend who is very bonded to me. She was very, very sad and a bit frustrated by life and how it can change, but she never got angry at me or expected me to endure bad emotional onslaughts. When you tell her a few months ahead of the move, put up a clear boundary and tell her that you're not going to submit to her inappropriate outbursts and behavior and then follow through with not allowing her to treat you poorly. If she asks why you didn't tell her earlier, be honest about why.
posted by quince at 7:33 PM on May 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
So, this happened to me. I told her as soon as I knew for sure it was happening (which was just a couple months before we actually did it) and I told her in public. Initially, she took it pretty well. I was actually more emotional than she was.
It didn't last. She was sad, she was jealous, she ghosted and then got really clingy, she was happy for me, she laid down the guilt about abandoning her, she said she'd come to terms with it, she ghosted again then got mad at me for not trying "harder", it's all so unfaaaaaaaair. This extended into the first year I was in the new city.
I guess that my takeaway is that I honestly wish I'd just told her earlier. All that time I wasted stressing, worrying about her reaction and how I'd "fix" things was not worth it -- we aren't even friends anymore. I should have realized that the type of friend who has that kind of reaction to a good and positive thing in my life will probably not be around much longer after it happens.
posted by sm1tten at 8:07 PM on May 17, 2017 [11 favorites]
It didn't last. She was sad, she was jealous, she ghosted and then got really clingy, she was happy for me, she laid down the guilt about abandoning her, she said she'd come to terms with it, she ghosted again then got mad at me for not trying "harder", it's all so unfaaaaaaaair. This extended into the first year I was in the new city.
I guess that my takeaway is that I honestly wish I'd just told her earlier. All that time I wasted stressing, worrying about her reaction and how I'd "fix" things was not worth it -- we aren't even friends anymore. I should have realized that the type of friend who has that kind of reaction to a good and positive thing in my life will probably not be around much longer after it happens.
posted by sm1tten at 8:07 PM on May 17, 2017 [11 favorites]
What the what? I'm 42 years old and I have never ever had a friend yell at me. Not once. I don't mean "and then I ended the friendship," I mean I am not friends with people who flip into rages. I just can't understand this question at all. Do you not know that this is extremely abnormal?
I agree with telling her in public with your partners, and if (when) she sends you scathing texts, tell her you won't be talked to that way, and you're only friends with supportive people. Stop enabling her crazy behavior.
Jeez. You're worth better than this.
posted by AFABulous at 10:03 PM on May 17, 2017 [16 favorites]
I agree with telling her in public with your partners, and if (when) she sends you scathing texts, tell her you won't be talked to that way, and you're only friends with supportive people. Stop enabling her crazy behavior.
Jeez. You're worth better than this.
posted by AFABulous at 10:03 PM on May 17, 2017 [16 favorites]
Did she ever apologize after the last freakout or show any self-awareness about it? Has she acted like that before or since?
I'd lean toward writing her about it and straight-out saying "I know it will hurt for you too, but I really need you not to freak out at me about this." But that kind of request would only work with someone who had some self-awareness and would never consciously hurt a friend.
posted by trig at 3:49 AM on May 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'd lean toward writing her about it and straight-out saying "I know it will hurt for you too, but I really need you not to freak out at me about this." But that kind of request would only work with someone who had some self-awareness and would never consciously hurt a friend.
posted by trig at 3:49 AM on May 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
I had a similar situation, but with less advance time. I told her, gently, in public. She cried but did not make a scene. She sort of wished me well. Over the next couple weeks, she mostly behaved appropriately. I moved. I attempted contact thru multiple means, no response, regardless of topic, up to and including "I got married", and "I have cancer". Lesson: she may not be your friend once you're gone, which means she isn't actually your friend now. Tell her in the way and time that makes it easiest on you.
posted by donnagirl at 7:01 AM on May 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by donnagirl at 7:01 AM on May 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
I say if it is important to you to try and retain some version of the friendship, that you start talking now about how hard it is for you to live in that area and how it isn't sustainable. A month of that, followed by the next month of "we're probably going to have to start looking at other options." The next month is "well if we need to move in a year or two, how can we make sure our friendship stays strong?" Etc. Ease your way into the idea. Let her get used to the reality of it.
Also consider making plans now, for "friends-only vacations" which she knows can still happen even if you're living far away - so she doesn't feel like she is losing you completely. Maybe (since you are 1.5 years out from the move) establish a summer trip together - even just a weekend trip somewhere - and tell her you want it to be a standing tradition for the two of you. That way it may remind her that there are other ways to keep a friendship strong besides just being neighbors.
That said - I don't do rage when it comes to friendships. If she is exhibiting rage, IMO she is a friend worth letting go when the move comes. But that is up to you of course.
posted by egeanin at 11:43 AM on May 18, 2017 [3 favorites]
Also consider making plans now, for "friends-only vacations" which she knows can still happen even if you're living far away - so she doesn't feel like she is losing you completely. Maybe (since you are 1.5 years out from the move) establish a summer trip together - even just a weekend trip somewhere - and tell her you want it to be a standing tradition for the two of you. That way it may remind her that there are other ways to keep a friendship strong besides just being neighbors.
That said - I don't do rage when it comes to friendships. If she is exhibiting rage, IMO she is a friend worth letting go when the move comes. But that is up to you of course.
posted by egeanin at 11:43 AM on May 18, 2017 [3 favorites]
If you want and plan to continue your friendship, telling her at the last minute is a horrible thing to do.
It would be better to start dropping hints now, and let her know you're thinking about it. And gradually ramp that up. Be with other people when you talk about it, if necessary. Talk about how you would miss her and things you would look forward to doing with her after you move. Your visits with her; her visits to you, etc.
If the relationship doesn't survive after that, then so be it. But it will fail for sure if you drop a bomb on it, and rightly so.
posted by SLC Mom at 12:29 PM on May 18, 2017
It would be better to start dropping hints now, and let her know you're thinking about it. And gradually ramp that up. Be with other people when you talk about it, if necessary. Talk about how you would miss her and things you would look forward to doing with her after you move. Your visits with her; her visits to you, etc.
If the relationship doesn't survive after that, then so be it. But it will fail for sure if you drop a bomb on it, and rightly so.
posted by SLC Mom at 12:29 PM on May 18, 2017
I had a friend who treated me like this. In my situation, she ended up following me and moving a 10 minute walk from me, and then0 when I moved across the country I didn't tell her because her behavior had escalated to an even scarier level.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 12:40 PM on May 18, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by fairlynearlyready at 12:40 PM on May 18, 2017 [3 favorites]
Start talking about the potential now. Not in a sit-her-down way, but in passing. Normalize the "theoretical", "hypothetical" move. Mention it casually over a week or two, about being unhappy with certain aspects of life where you are, what appeals about Other City.
It can be difficult to find the balance in tone between set-in-stone and daydreaming, but you want your friend to see which way the wind is blowing before you announce any logistical steps like putting your house on the market or accepting jobs in other places.
If this is a friend that feels very close to you, it's possible that the abrupt and surprising way she found out about you potentially moving to a different city is what set her off last time. Surprises are most likely to provoke a fight-or-flight response, and it can take a while for our rational and empathetic brains to regain control. Yes, losing a close friend can feel like a breakup. Going from seeing someone multiple times a week (or month) to once or twice a year can really fuck up your social life and sense of stability.
If you want to maintain the friendship, do everything you can to give your friend time to see that the end of this phase is coming, to grieve it, and to prepare for the potential of the next phase of your friendship.
The absolute most gentle way to do this would be to talk about Other City enough and in a way that your friend is the first one to say the M-word ("moving"). Then if she asks, "Have you thought about moving there?" you can say "Well, partner and I have been talking about it for a bit, and it feels like it might be the right call." For this kind of thing, it can be helpful for you to validate HER conclusion, rather than issue a declaration. She has no real control over your life, but it would be more comfortable for her to FEEL like she was part of the decision-making process.
It's a lot of emotional work to be gentle with someone's feelings like this, no doubt. And it could still blow up in your face. But for your own stress and guilt levels, you should do what you need to start the discussion about how you see your future going. Either time with her will get better, or it will stop, and either one of those is better for you than your current anxiety.
posted by itesser at 12:04 AM on May 19, 2017 [2 favorites]
It can be difficult to find the balance in tone between set-in-stone and daydreaming, but you want your friend to see which way the wind is blowing before you announce any logistical steps like putting your house on the market or accepting jobs in other places.
If this is a friend that feels very close to you, it's possible that the abrupt and surprising way she found out about you potentially moving to a different city is what set her off last time. Surprises are most likely to provoke a fight-or-flight response, and it can take a while for our rational and empathetic brains to regain control. Yes, losing a close friend can feel like a breakup. Going from seeing someone multiple times a week (or month) to once or twice a year can really fuck up your social life and sense of stability.
If you want to maintain the friendship, do everything you can to give your friend time to see that the end of this phase is coming, to grieve it, and to prepare for the potential of the next phase of your friendship.
The absolute most gentle way to do this would be to talk about Other City enough and in a way that your friend is the first one to say the M-word ("moving"). Then if she asks, "Have you thought about moving there?" you can say "Well, partner and I have been talking about it for a bit, and it feels like it might be the right call." For this kind of thing, it can be helpful for you to validate HER conclusion, rather than issue a declaration. She has no real control over your life, but it would be more comfortable for her to FEEL like she was part of the decision-making process.
It's a lot of emotional work to be gentle with someone's feelings like this, no doubt. And it could still blow up in your face. But for your own stress and guilt levels, you should do what you need to start the discussion about how you see your future going. Either time with her will get better, or it will stop, and either one of those is better for you than your current anxiety.
posted by itesser at 12:04 AM on May 19, 2017 [2 favorites]
Unfortunately there are no magic words that you can say that can make her not freak out. It is impossible for you to make this OK for her. Only she can make it OK for herself. I think you are asking this question because you already know that she actually doesn't have the skills or equipment to make it OK for herself (which is why she puts it back on you).
Having been in a (very!) similar situation and with the benefit of hindsight, I suggest that you go the direct route ASAP and tell her what the plan currently is, even if it may change in the future. Her reaction will be very telling; it may even give you important information about the viability of the entire friendship. (Hinting around won't work because her high emotions probably make her really good at reading people-- she'll figure it out in a snap and then feel betrayed that you're hiding something.)
Before going into that conversation, though, I think you should have some real thoughts about what are some behaviors that you won't tolerate. Figure out what's a hard no for you, and how you will express a hard no to her if she makes it necessary.
Because, in this circumstance, your most important job is make it OK for yourself. Because you are your #1. Right?
posted by (F)utility at 6:02 PM on May 19, 2017 [1 favorite]
Having been in a (very!) similar situation and with the benefit of hindsight, I suggest that you go the direct route ASAP and tell her what the plan currently is, even if it may change in the future. Her reaction will be very telling; it may even give you important information about the viability of the entire friendship. (Hinting around won't work because her high emotions probably make her really good at reading people-- she'll figure it out in a snap and then feel betrayed that you're hiding something.)
Before going into that conversation, though, I think you should have some real thoughts about what are some behaviors that you won't tolerate. Figure out what's a hard no for you, and how you will express a hard no to her if she makes it necessary.
Because, in this circumstance, your most important job is make it OK for yourself. Because you are your #1. Right?
posted by (F)utility at 6:02 PM on May 19, 2017 [1 favorite]
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Congrats on the move!
posted by slateyness at 1:42 PM on May 17, 2017 [14 favorites]