Thou shall not judge thyself
May 15, 2017 9:39 AM Subscribe
I have a feeling this will not be my last AskMe about this.
I dated a guy for three years, all of it long distance. Things went wrong. Details to follow.
Three months into the relationship, I got drunk and kissed someone else. It took a long time rebuilding our relationship from that indiscretion (I told him the moment I sobered up). I always had a nagging feeling that we pull too differently in ways that matter, but by then I had a job I hated, lived alone, didn't have enough money, was too neurotic to meet friends (even old friends), gained weight, and walking away from the relationship, even when it seemed like the best and kindest thing to do, was another admission of failure that I was unwilling to make. Stupid me.
Eventually, we sort of settled into the relationship but he was unwilling to think or discuss the future and this became a monotonous argument, which eventually led to a (messy) breakup. We tried remaining friends - which meant he could remain possessive, we continued to be somewhat intimate, I couldn't date anyone with a clean conscience, and he would threaten bodily harm to himself when I begged him to end things amicably and completely. Till he met someone, of course, and then he dropped me like a hot potato. So far, so good. But then he got mad at me because I eventually, thankfully, went no contact.
I live in a developing economy and therapy is both stigmatized and hard to come by (though I am planning to seek help sooner rather than later). There are a bunch of things that plays into it (abused as a child at a very, very young age, stressed out overachiever, messed up family dynamics, health issues, anxiety etc.) but I really need help with three things:
(1) Ways remind me that it was a Good Decision to break up and initiate no contact, without painting him as a monster
(2) To not judge myself for being weak enough to remain in a relationship that felt like a wrong fit from almost the very beginning
(3) To be strong enough to withstand (fairly intense) societal and family pressure to 'settle down' (fairly normal in my country) because I'm on the wrong side of 25.
Thank you.
Three months into the relationship, I got drunk and kissed someone else. It took a long time rebuilding our relationship from that indiscretion (I told him the moment I sobered up). I always had a nagging feeling that we pull too differently in ways that matter, but by then I had a job I hated, lived alone, didn't have enough money, was too neurotic to meet friends (even old friends), gained weight, and walking away from the relationship, even when it seemed like the best and kindest thing to do, was another admission of failure that I was unwilling to make. Stupid me.
Eventually, we sort of settled into the relationship but he was unwilling to think or discuss the future and this became a monotonous argument, which eventually led to a (messy) breakup. We tried remaining friends - which meant he could remain possessive, we continued to be somewhat intimate, I couldn't date anyone with a clean conscience, and he would threaten bodily harm to himself when I begged him to end things amicably and completely. Till he met someone, of course, and then he dropped me like a hot potato. So far, so good. But then he got mad at me because I eventually, thankfully, went no contact.
I live in a developing economy and therapy is both stigmatized and hard to come by (though I am planning to seek help sooner rather than later). There are a bunch of things that plays into it (abused as a child at a very, very young age, stressed out overachiever, messed up family dynamics, health issues, anxiety etc.) but I really need help with three things:
(1) Ways remind me that it was a Good Decision to break up and initiate no contact, without painting him as a monster
(2) To not judge myself for being weak enough to remain in a relationship that felt like a wrong fit from almost the very beginning
(3) To be strong enough to withstand (fairly intense) societal and family pressure to 'settle down' (fairly normal in my country) because I'm on the wrong side of 25.
Thank you.
I find it easier to make peace with myself if I frame a situation as me making a conscious choice--circumstances are what they are but you took control, you made a smart decision to end a relationship that sounds like it was not good for either of you. You can't remake your past, but you can make choices now that will help you move forward.
I'm sorry that finding counseling help is difficult. There are things you can do that really will make you feel better, such as choosing to exercise--going for gentle walks, for example. Making healthy choices in what you eat. Also, see if you can find some free or inexpensive meditation apps to help with anxiety. Self care is important.
posted by agatha_magatha at 10:19 AM on May 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry that finding counseling help is difficult. There are things you can do that really will make you feel better, such as choosing to exercise--going for gentle walks, for example. Making healthy choices in what you eat. Also, see if you can find some free or inexpensive meditation apps to help with anxiety. Self care is important.
posted by agatha_magatha at 10:19 AM on May 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
Both of you are better off for having ended that relationship. If you're in a geographic region that pressures you pretty intensely to settle down, it isn't a stretch in the slightest that you got into a relationship against your better judgment, and then had trouble getting out of it again. You gave it a chance in case you were wrong, but you weren't wrong.
In terms of #3, I would underline the fact that nobody has to live in your relationship except you, so as much as others might complain about your relationship status, it actually doesn't affect them in the slightest! It affect you. And anybody who would tell you to get into, or stay in, a bad relationship doesn't have your best interests in mind. You are your best advocate for a fulfilling partnership, so don't feel like you have to accept that you're supposed to be unhappy just because other people are, or say that it's something you have to live with. No it is not.
posted by Autumnheart at 10:24 AM on May 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
In terms of #3, I would underline the fact that nobody has to live in your relationship except you, so as much as others might complain about your relationship status, it actually doesn't affect them in the slightest! It affect you. And anybody who would tell you to get into, or stay in, a bad relationship doesn't have your best interests in mind. You are your best advocate for a fulfilling partnership, so don't feel like you have to accept that you're supposed to be unhappy just because other people are, or say that it's something you have to live with. No it is not.
posted by Autumnheart at 10:24 AM on May 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
I have no problem being blunt with myself, privately, about folks who hurt me. I'll make the argument here that in order to reprogram yourself you must frame certain people + their actions or attitudes that led to you being injured/hurt/damaged as SUPREMELY unattractive and uncool. Yes, for you, within the dynamic between you, that person is a monster and you should feel reviled until you get past finding that person or attribute attractive or acceptable.
After you reprogram yourself, you won't think of them at all. Forgive yourself, not them. They can do their own work.
Wishing someone else harm and holding a grudge really is like taking poison and waiting for the other guy to get sick. That's not what I am recommending! But geezus, you have to perceive certain people and patterns like a hot stove until you "get it." This person is a pattern or habit you have to unlearn. Get to it.
posted by jbenben at 10:40 AM on May 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
After you reprogram yourself, you won't think of them at all. Forgive yourself, not them. They can do their own work.
Wishing someone else harm and holding a grudge really is like taking poison and waiting for the other guy to get sick. That's not what I am recommending! But geezus, you have to perceive certain people and patterns like a hot stove until you "get it." This person is a pattern or habit you have to unlearn. Get to it.
posted by jbenben at 10:40 AM on May 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
Just want to add a +1 to the idea you made the right decision. Also try to internalize your personal success at life does not depend on your relationship status.
posted by DrAstroZoom at 11:25 AM on May 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by DrAstroZoom at 11:25 AM on May 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
I think you made the right decision to break up and no longer be in touch.
1) Ways remind me that it was a Good Decision to break up and initiate no contact, without painting him as a monster
Here's a way - being together didn't work for you, being "still friends" didn't work for you. You have discovered an approach to this relationship that works for you, that being to end the relationship. The great benefit of ending things is that you no longer have to pay any attention at all to what they think about it.
(2) To not judge myself for being weak enough to remain in a relationship that felt like a wrong fit from almost the very beginning
You learned some things, and it will make you that much better at choosing the right partner when he comes along. In fact, this is true of most things in life. We tend to think of milestones and achievements, fixed steps to be taken. But most things in life are a work in progress, a series of opportunities to learn. Life is constant change, really. You are changing yours for the better.
(3) To be strong enough to withstand (fairly intense) societal and family pressure to 'settle down' (fairly normal in my country) because I'm on the wrong side of 25.
"OK." or "Thanks for your concern." Followed by a change of subject. This doesn't stop busybodies cold, but it does reframe the conversation as them rudely pushing a point over and over.
You might find some real help and wisdom browsing the Captain Awkward columns on relationships and family. http://www.captainawkward.com/
Good luck.
posted by Cranialtorque at 12:01 PM on May 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
1) Ways remind me that it was a Good Decision to break up and initiate no contact, without painting him as a monster
Here's a way - being together didn't work for you, being "still friends" didn't work for you. You have discovered an approach to this relationship that works for you, that being to end the relationship. The great benefit of ending things is that you no longer have to pay any attention at all to what they think about it.
(2) To not judge myself for being weak enough to remain in a relationship that felt like a wrong fit from almost the very beginning
You learned some things, and it will make you that much better at choosing the right partner when he comes along. In fact, this is true of most things in life. We tend to think of milestones and achievements, fixed steps to be taken. But most things in life are a work in progress, a series of opportunities to learn. Life is constant change, really. You are changing yours for the better.
(3) To be strong enough to withstand (fairly intense) societal and family pressure to 'settle down' (fairly normal in my country) because I'm on the wrong side of 25.
"OK." or "Thanks for your concern." Followed by a change of subject. This doesn't stop busybodies cold, but it does reframe the conversation as them rudely pushing a point over and over.
You might find some real help and wisdom browsing the Captain Awkward columns on relationships and family. http://www.captainawkward.com/
Good luck.
posted by Cranialtorque at 12:01 PM on May 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
Just a reminder that threatening to harm oneself if their partner breaks up with them is super super shitty behavior. Abusive behavior, in fact. So that is one thing you can remind yourself of to reassure you that yes, this is a Very Good Decision.
posted by Jacen at 8:38 AM on May 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacen at 8:38 AM on May 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
« Older Recommendations for Ottawa Jazz Festival? | No college experience. So how do you get your foot... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by dywypi at 10:17 AM on May 15, 2017 [16 favorites]