Advice about perspectives on long-term desires in relationships
May 15, 2017 6:53 AM   Subscribe

I've been happily dating my boyfriend for 9 months, but I'm growing more concerned that we don't want the same future. I'm more certain of my desires; he's less certain. Can you provide some perspective on our situation?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. We're both 29, have established jobs in our respective career fields, and love the city where we live. We have a lot of fun together; the majority of our time is spent laughing and being silly, but he challenges me to be a better person.

The issue is that I'm fearful of the dissimilarity in our long-term goals in the future. I feel more sure of my long-term desires for the future. I'd like to have a family, own a home, and travel periodically. My boyfriend is less sure what he wants. He says that he *might* want to get married and *might* want a family in the future and *might* want to travel, but really is thinking about focusing on his present situation. He says that he could definitely see himself with a family, but has articulated on several occasions his fears about getting your hopes up on future goals because they might not pan out (I think that this comes from his economic and family insecurities as a child). I recognize that my future desires might never come to fruition--lots of people don't get married or have children or travel or own homes--but it's hard for me to picture a partnered life without those things, and those desires haven't changed even as I have grown and developed.

I would love to hear your thoughts about this situation. I don't think it's fair to my boyfriend or to myself to expect that he is going to change, but I also don't want to end an otherwise great relationship if the issue is that he's just not ready to think about what he wants.
posted by orangesky4 to Human Relations (23 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
Nine months is still very early in a relationship, and at 29 you still have plenty of wiggle room. I would give it some more time and then check in, whether with your own internal barometer or through a discussion with your partner (maybe after a year and a half). Even if your boyfriend is in love with you, it's difficult for some people to commit to this concrete a future so early in a relationship. His responses aren't a hard no, so I wouldn't spend too much time agonizing over it. If he'd have said "I NEVER want a family / house / travel" my response would be different. His response is similar to what my partner and I might have said a few years ago, and we're doing all of those things now.
posted by beyond_pink at 7:03 AM on May 15, 2017 [2 favorites]


Best answer: My husband is like this. He doesn't want to plan things, work for things or strive for things. This applies to our life together (for example, planning to buy a house, planning a special birthday dinner) and his career (for example, working toward a promotion, finding a better job). I'm the opposite. I plan everything. I am flexible when my plans go awry, but I don't know how to proceed if I don't have a plan.

When I realized that I wanted to be married, and that I wanted to be married to him, I had to accept those aspects of him. And I did. I know that all planning, all striving and all strategizing, will be done by me. I don't love that that is the case, but I love him, and his many good qualities, so I accept this.

The reason this works is that he also had to accept that I'm a planner, and that I can't walk through life without plans, goals and objectives. We talk about plans, and he says what he likes or doesn't like, or what he thinks will work or won't work. On major things (house-buying) I don't move forward without his agreement. On small things (my birthday) I go ahead without him. And he's ok with that.

So my suggestion is that you guys need to talk. Is he ok with you taking the initiative and planning stuff, and then going along for the ride without getting in the way? Will he do his part if you pave the road? Are you ok with having to always be the person who buys the tickets for the thing and remembers to bring them? There are no easy answers here. I've been married for 16 years, and I do sometimes wish things were different in these areas. I wish he was more career-minded, and just once I'd like to have ZERO role in planning my own birthday celebration. But I know that those things are unlikely to happen. And that's ok with me. Will it be ok with you?
posted by OrangeDisk at 7:06 AM on May 15, 2017 [15 favorites]


Best answer: Oh good lord. I mean, think about your future timeline but if you want to have children, you are going to need to set an end date on waiting for your boyfriend's desires to align with yours. Because if he never wants to get married and/or never wants to have kids within the timeframe in which you can have them, you will need to bail.

I realise you have a shitload of emotion running through your relationship here, but the above is just the practical reality of being a woman of child-bearing age who wants to have children someday. You have a good long while, but your days are not unlimited. It's only been 9 months and if this is a good partnership long term, then the best you can do is stay optimistic that he'll be where you are on a workable timeline. But if he isn't, the timeline is not that fungible.

This is not idle advice, by the way. At 30 I wanted to have a baby and get married, and neither was something my partner at the time could offer me, so I ripped my own heart out and ended the relationship to get super serious about finding someone who wanted the same things I wanted. It worked out for me, but I am not foolish enough to think it's a no-risk leap.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:07 AM on May 15, 2017 [27 favorites]


Nine months is definitely very early to be worried about this.

However, my fiancé was someone who, when we started dating, definitely did NOT want to get married. And I was the one who wasn't sure. NINE years later, we are picking up a marriage license next week. Since I'm perfectly happy being childfree, waiting for him wasn't a big deal. You should decide what's right for you, independent of his decisions.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:34 AM on May 15, 2017 [1 favorite]


It's not like it's a secret to anyone that women have a more limited window in which to have biological children. Sure, maybe men don't think about it, or it isn't a priority to them, but why make excuses? They understand basic biology. Just because it is inconvenient, doesn't meant it's okay for them to ignore it to suit their purposes. I have come to realize over time that a truly woke, respectful, adult guy would say something like, "I'm not there yet. I don't know when/if I ever will be. I understand if that's not enough for you." Or whatever. There would be some frank, honest acknowledgement there. I tend to think guys that laugh it off, waffle, use vague terms, reassure - those guys are just trying to have their cake and eat it too. I don't really respect that, regardless of the outcome one way or the other.
posted by stockpuppet at 7:46 AM on May 15, 2017 [6 favorites]


I'm sorry, but if you're female and you know you want biological children, at 29 you need to be with someone who knows whether or not they do, too. You are not going to get more able to have babies as you age. You aren't teenagers and within 9 months is more than enough time to know if you're going in approximately the same direction, even if you aren't sure you'll wind up there together. It is very disrespectful of your limited time for someone to expect you to be okay waiting for them to vacillate instead of being able to give you a clear answer about whether you're wasting your time. 9 months may be to early to start a family with this particular person, but at 29 it's not too early to expect to know if it will be possible.
posted by windykites at 8:18 AM on May 15, 2017 [6 favorites]


Best answer: A year seems like an arbitrary but totally reasonable cap on not knowing if you want to marry your partner when you're close to 30. You don't have endless time to waste.

You're at 9 months now. I'd let him know that your goal is to be married and have kids, with him ideally; that you're willing to wait a few more months for him to live with that understanding and see how it feels to him as a goal, but that at the one year mark, max, you're going to need to either set a date or break up.

Also: I am leery of men who need to be dragged to the altar. Being married with kids is hard, and the very last thing you want is to be with someone who's going to feel like you made them do it. He needs to want it with a whole heart, not just kind of "whatever, if it'll make you happy then I guess."
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:20 AM on May 15, 2017 [21 favorites]


Don't place too much weight on anecdote, but "I *might* want a family" is a lot like the idiot phrases I used as a dumb young man dating women before I learned that saying, "I absolutely will never have kids and if that is something you care about you should break up with me and find someone else" made everyone's lives better.

Also, who the hell can't decide whether or not they want to travel? That's a no-stakes question with an obvious, socially accepted answer and no consequence for expressing the contrary opinion. It's hard to imagine what would prompt someone to go through the bother of not answering that question.
posted by eotvos at 8:23 AM on May 15, 2017 [7 favorites]


Agree that at 29 with definite plans to have children, you need to be looking for someone who is also planning for kids right from the start, and will be ready for it within the next five years. Send this one back I'm afraid. It's amazing how at 35, having kids suddenly becomes a total crapshoot, no matter how healthy you are or young you look. Lots of people who grew up poor have it as their life goal to have kids in order to give them the childhood they didn't have.
posted by alusru at 9:04 AM on May 15, 2017 [1 favorite]


Well, 9 months is nice and early to respectfully go your separate ways and find someone who wants the same things you do. If this guy isn't flashing THE ONE in giant neon letters, take the L.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:49 AM on May 15, 2017 [5 favorites]


I don't think it's fair to my boyfriend or to myself to expect that he is going to change, but I also don't want to end an otherwise great relationship if the issue is that he's just not ready to think about what he wants.

Actually, I think that not being ready to even *think* about what he wants at age 29 is sufficient reason to end a relationship.

That's not a knock on people who are late bloomers or take longer than average to figure out what they want from life. But you do know, and you deserve to find someone with similar goals who will help you make it happen.

Even if your boyfriend agrees to the things you want because he loves you that much, do you really want to feel like when the going gets tough (as it will from time to time) that it was all your idea to have kids, etc.?
posted by Kriesa at 11:40 AM on May 15, 2017 [8 favorites]


I'm with roomthreeseventeen but also didn't want kids (like her) so the timeline didn't matter all that much. If you want kids I would maybe give it another year - I mean 9 months isn't that long - and see where he is at before bailing.
posted by getawaysticks at 12:34 PM on May 15, 2017 [2 favorites]


If he didn't want those things when you met and he doesn't seem to be growing closer to wanting those things then I would be very reticent to set a deadline or ultimatum with him. Because the last thing you want is for him to marry you just because you were going to leave otherwise. What you want is what's described in this article.

Also, if he, in any way, makes you feel like the things you want are wrong or worthless then you need to find someone who wants the same things as you or accepts you for who you are and what you want without trying to make you feel bad about it.
posted by dawkins_7 at 12:35 PM on May 15, 2017 [2 favorites]


I think finding someone who knows more about what they want is the key here - you might be compatible right this second, but not for the next 20 years - if you want compatibility for the long term, you might need to find someone who better fits the bill.

I know someone who dated the "might" guy for 10 years and he wound up leaving her - she did find someone else and they did have a child together, but it was too late for her to have any more. To say that she is angry with him is an understatement. "Might" is a nice luxury for many men to have that is not extended to women.

I have also seen the men who have reluctantly gone along with having children because that's what their partner wanted, and the resentment those men have does immense emotional damage to the children in those families.

Similar goals - same page - all the way.
posted by heyjude at 2:45 PM on May 15, 2017 [4 favorites]


It all seems a bit wishy washy to me. I can't remember anyone I knew at 29 (of a similar age) who hadn't got their sh*t together by that age, most of them already had a house and a successful career and if they didn't already have a family then they were planning one. "Not really knowing" at 29 sounds to me like they aren't likely to, or at least haven't started growing up yet.

Why not find someone who's all up in your future plans?
posted by tillsbury at 12:27 AM on May 16, 2017 [1 favorite]


There is no reason that you shouldn't be able to have a husband or family if you want them - most people who want that end up getting it because they deliberately plan their life for it and find someone who wants the same thing. Of course, if you spend the next ten years afraid of having a tricky conversation, that future becomes more doubtful, with this person at least. 29 is old enough to know what you want your life to look like. As they say, if it's not a "Hell yeah!", it's a no.

And trust me, it IS ok to end a relationship because your boyfriend doesn't want to think about what he wants, because by definition, it also means he doesn't want to bother thinking about what you want either. And that's not a great quality to have in a future husband. There will be someone wonderful out there who can't wait to marry you and have kids with you. Find him.
posted by Jubey at 6:14 AM on May 16, 2017 [1 favorite]


The "relax, you've got time" answers are surprising to me. I get the "don't rush or force things" advice but nine months isn't something you can fritter away when you're 29 and want something that realistically needs to get done within a few years. Nine months? That's a full pregnancy. Wouldn't it be terrible if you bided your time and then found out you missed out on having a child by a few months?? The timeline needs some wiggle room for unexpected developments, like time to get over breakups or things not working out, time to find a committed partner, job changes, family emergencies, health scares, difficult pregnancies/conception, other innumerable life-changing events...

I say this even though I'm probably closer to your boyfriend in terms of life outlook (not 100% about kids/family, late bloomer, not sure about future, etc.). If I knew my SO wanted these life goals, I would be more proactive/explicit about the differences and would totally understand that we needed to part ways for those goals to happen. It seems to me that having children is definitely a HELL-YES-or-no choice; otherwise it could very well be resentment+bitterness for at least the next couple of decades (you over not having kids, him over "being forced" into having kids). This may sound glib but I don't think people take this seriously enough: A child is forever.
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 6:18 PM on May 16, 2017 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thank you for all of the responses. It sounds like the majority of the responders on here believe that people either want or don't want children... does anyone have other experience? Where you grew into wanting children as you entered your thirties, but just weren't thinking about it in your twenties? I kind of feel like my boyfriend is a slow bloomer. I don't think that he'll always want the lifestyle that he has now, but he feels like he's working hard to make sure that he can help his family out financially (his mother is currently unemployed and my bf helps with her bills each month).

I just don't want to throw away a relationship with an otherwise great person (I mean, he's really great. The best person I've ever dated) if his growing process is just slower than mine. But I also don't want to be the type of person like someone said earlier who "drags" my partner to major life moments, like marriage and children. And maybe I'm wrong, but I don't feel all that old, yet. Is this a millennial thing?
posted by orangesky4 at 8:52 AM on May 17, 2017 [1 favorite]


It's not about feeling old, it's about the statistics on how easy it is to have kids as you go through your 30s. Some women can still have kids in their early 40s. But many can't. When we did our premarital counseling, the rabbi told us that the single most common issue he saw in his congregational pastoral care was infertility. And it's not just women's fertility that degrades, it's men's. So - do people change their minds? Yes, sometimes! But that doesn't turn the clock back.

I've known too many women who've had their fertile years wasted by a man who wasn't serious, to advise sticking around for much longer. And I do think 9 months - and certainly a year - is long enough to know what you want, at age 29.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:52 AM on May 17, 2017 [1 favorite]


maybe I'm wrong, but I don't feel all that old, yet. Is this a millennial thing?

God I feel like we're all being just awful to you but... you are young. Very young, really. But unfortunately, your ovaries do not have the same lifespan you do.

What if you let this roll for another year, or two, and he decides he doesn't want kids and isn't that bothered by travel and home ownership is a tool of the capital oppressors? I mean, I met my husband literally six weeks after the breakup of my long term relationship and we were married 22 months later, but that's super fast and that's pretty atypical. It takes most people a longer to find a new partner and build the relationship to the point of marriage and children. You just need to not forget that.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:11 PM on May 17, 2017 [2 favorites]


I think that at 29, nine months into a relationship, you can afford to see how things develop over the next year or so. It's true that women have more of a deadline with these things, but your ovaries aren't going to turn into stumps once you hit thirty. Or at least they probably won't! You simply have no way of knowing if you will or won't have a hard time getting pregnant later in your thirties. My cohort is all in their mid thirties, and everyone has been getting pregnant pretty easily. On the other hand, plenty of other women struggle with infertility. I also think that finding a person who you are compatible with and could see yourself having children with is probably at least as difficult as it can be to get pregnant, so if you love this guy, give it some time.

(Also, it really isn't that weird to be 29 and still feel a little anxious about having kids, there is a healthy continuum between "having children is my destiny and the thing I need to do to feel complete" and "child free")
posted by cakelite at 8:44 AM on May 18, 2017


Best answer: does anyone have other experience? Where you grew into wanting children as you entered your thirties, but just weren't thinking about it in your twenties?

Just anecdata here: Among the people (millenials) I know, the ones with kids mostly either (A) knew by their mid- to late- twenties or (B) had an unplanned pregnancy and decided to go through with it. That doesn't mean this will be how it is in your case! Which is why it's so tough to give solid advice here...

In your situation, OP, I would think hard about how good the other aspects are. Maybe go through those lists of "questions to ask yourselves before getting married" to clarify how much you really are on the same page about the important stuff. And then ask yourself if the positives from that outweigh the worst-case scenario that he decides he doesn't want kids.

You could also try searching past threads. I recall reading multiple threads where the kids question came up, sometimes from the viewpoint of the unsure partner...
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 3:13 AM on May 19, 2017


Best answer: does anyone have other experience? Where you grew into wanting children as you entered your thirties, but just weren't thinking about it in your twenties?

Very much so. I couldn't find anyone interesting to date until around 25 (those that were interesting had much older boyfriends already). I met my now ex-wife soon after and married at 28. We both were determined never to have kids. I retired at 32 and we moved to New Zealand. After which I said "actually, I could see this being a country where it would be ok to have kids" (compared with the uk). We started trying and after some difficulties had one when I was 36, she was 40. Eventually, she tuned out a bit from the kid thing and we divorced when our son was 10 (he lives with me 100%). I subsequently decided that since having a kid had been the most fun ever, I wanted more, and went online dating specifically for that. I met my new partner when she was 38 (I was 47), she already had a foster son and we have a baby together with another on the way.

So from 20 to 30 thinking "no kids", I ended up at 40 thinking "got one, that's enough", and am about to be 50 with the fourth on the way.
posted by tillsbury at 6:55 PM on May 19, 2017 [1 favorite]


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