How can I stop feeling guilty about leaving my abusive ex-boyfriend?
May 12, 2017 9:54 AM Subscribe
Exactly a month ago I broke up with my boyfriend. We had been together for about four years and lived together for almost the entire duration of our relationship.
He was not a good partner. Verbally, emotionally, and (very very rarely) physically abusive. He also cheated on me a year ago and could not financially support himself. I basically paid for everything during our time together. Nonetheless, I loved him and, for a long time, thought that we could fix all our issues. Over time, it became very obvious that we would never fix our issues because he blamed me for most things and wasn't capable of taking responsibility for his role in our problems.
So, I broke up with him. It took a lot of courage and I am very proud of myself for getting out of a toxic relationship. He has moved out and I am much happier. However, I still have pangs of guilt about ending the relationship. He has continued to contact me via text messages and social media, asking me "why I ended the relationship," telling me that he still loves me, inviting me to the movies with him, etc. Basically, he wants to get back together and feels that I acted unfairly by breaking up with him. I am seeing a therapist and she said that I have "exactly five seconds to feel guilty" about breaking up with him, but that I shouldn't devote more energy and time into feeling guilty.
And I do understand intellectually that I shouldn't feel guilty, but I still spend time in my head looking back over our relationship, examining things, ruminating, trying to justify my decision.
How can I stop feeling guilty? Will the feeling dissipate with time?
He was not a good partner. Verbally, emotionally, and (very very rarely) physically abusive. He also cheated on me a year ago and could not financially support himself. I basically paid for everything during our time together. Nonetheless, I loved him and, for a long time, thought that we could fix all our issues. Over time, it became very obvious that we would never fix our issues because he blamed me for most things and wasn't capable of taking responsibility for his role in our problems.
So, I broke up with him. It took a lot of courage and I am very proud of myself for getting out of a toxic relationship. He has moved out and I am much happier. However, I still have pangs of guilt about ending the relationship. He has continued to contact me via text messages and social media, asking me "why I ended the relationship," telling me that he still loves me, inviting me to the movies with him, etc. Basically, he wants to get back together and feels that I acted unfairly by breaking up with him. I am seeing a therapist and she said that I have "exactly five seconds to feel guilty" about breaking up with him, but that I shouldn't devote more energy and time into feeling guilty.
And I do understand intellectually that I shouldn't feel guilty, but I still spend time in my head looking back over our relationship, examining things, ruminating, trying to justify my decision.
How can I stop feeling guilty? Will the feeling dissipate with time?
all feelings dissipate with time, and especially this kind (irrational regret over breaking up with a terrible boyfriend.) You will feel it for a while, but then it will fade, and soon you'll look back at it with total incredulity.
(Source: a woman who has felt irrational regret over breaking up with a terrible boyfriend, and who looks back at it now with total incredulity.)
And definitely block him on all channels. Block with extreme prejudice. There's nothing there with value to you, only emotional crank yanking.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:00 AM on May 12, 2017 [9 favorites]
(Source: a woman who has felt irrational regret over breaking up with a terrible boyfriend, and who looks back at it now with total incredulity.)
And definitely block him on all channels. Block with extreme prejudice. There's nothing there with value to you, only emotional crank yanking.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:00 AM on May 12, 2017 [9 favorites]
Dating isn't a democracy. He isn't entitled to your company, to another chance, or to any acknowledgement of his feelings. He had his chance to be a decent partner, and instead he was an abusive, cheating financial drain who refused to take responsibility for any of his actions. Blaming you for making him feel bad because you won't go back to him is just more of the same. He blew it! He blew it like Krakatoa, there's nothing left except a grease spot. He doesn't get another chance. He certainly doesn't deserve one, he certainly doesn't get to whine to you about it.
I agree that you should block him everywhere possible, and your feelings of guilt will absolutely dissipate with time. Remind yourself at every opportunity that you are the decider of who is allowed to enjoy the privilege your company, and you've decided.
posted by Autumnheart at 10:03 AM on May 12, 2017 [50 favorites]
I agree that you should block him everywhere possible, and your feelings of guilt will absolutely dissipate with time. Remind yourself at every opportunity that you are the decider of who is allowed to enjoy the privilege your company, and you've decided.
posted by Autumnheart at 10:03 AM on May 12, 2017 [50 favorites]
I really think it will get easier with time, especially as you are surrounded by people who don't treat you terribly. In my experience, years pass and you look back and think "how did I put up with that?? Who was I?" Of course there was nothing wrong with you, but abuse becomes more and more obvious with distance. It's harder to understand when you're up close.
If it helps, he wants to get back together because his MO was to take take take from you and give nothing back. Of course he wants a relationship where you pay for him to live, he can just cheat if he feels like it, and he blames you for everything he doesn't like. That's all the rewards, none of the work. Plus a little extra no one should take from anyone. It's very physically and psychologically comfortable for him. Much like how conservative men mourn the days of women "being ladies," i.e. doing everything for them for free and expressing no objections, ever. There's a reason they miss it and it ain't for our health.
Men have been taking from women and treating them like they're not human for a long time. Usually they make the excuse that they brought home the bacon (as if that justifies it!) but in this case you were even doing that! But it's hard to unlearn the message you hear from birth that men bring something ineffable and valuable to the relationship even if you can't pinpoint it or describe it or justify it in any way... meanwhile women do all the work. (i.e., the "single mothers are ruining the world, children need FATHERS" mythos.) These type of men expect us to pull our weight and then some, while they just bless us with their presence. And they rely on this kind of humane guilt that you feel.
Anyway, I'm sure you know all this, just hope it helps to hear it again.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:06 AM on May 12, 2017 [21 favorites]
If it helps, he wants to get back together because his MO was to take take take from you and give nothing back. Of course he wants a relationship where you pay for him to live, he can just cheat if he feels like it, and he blames you for everything he doesn't like. That's all the rewards, none of the work. Plus a little extra no one should take from anyone. It's very physically and psychologically comfortable for him. Much like how conservative men mourn the days of women "being ladies," i.e. doing everything for them for free and expressing no objections, ever. There's a reason they miss it and it ain't for our health.
Men have been taking from women and treating them like they're not human for a long time. Usually they make the excuse that they brought home the bacon (as if that justifies it!) but in this case you were even doing that! But it's hard to unlearn the message you hear from birth that men bring something ineffable and valuable to the relationship even if you can't pinpoint it or describe it or justify it in any way... meanwhile women do all the work. (i.e., the "single mothers are ruining the world, children need FATHERS" mythos.) These type of men expect us to pull our weight and then some, while they just bless us with their presence. And they rely on this kind of humane guilt that you feel.
Anyway, I'm sure you know all this, just hope it helps to hear it again.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:06 AM on May 12, 2017 [21 favorites]
Therapy can help, even teletherapy. What you are feeling is a normal void. It's like grief over a death. But he's not dead and clearly thinks there's a way back in for him and the sick system he controlled you with. You need to cut him out of your life by any means necessary. He may start coming over, and it would be good to look at a possible restraining order or even contacting a women's shelter who can quickly get you a new place in a different area so he can't find you. Get a new phone, block him on social media, delete his messages and his number, tell the phone company they may not want to pass your old number to a new person.
Contact mutual friends and tell them you've broken up and for safety will get back in contact when you trust they understand he must not be in contact with you through them, some will understand. He used you to the fullest extent he possibly could. You now have money and time for yourself to make the best life you possibly can. Fixing people is really, really hard. It was admirable that you tried. Work with your therapist to put together a mental checklist of what you must see from future partners, and trigger warning behaviors you will want to walk away from.
Moving on is hard. You did the right thing. Don't give up. Don't give in. You may want to make this post anonymous if he knows your username.
posted by parmanparman at 10:08 AM on May 12, 2017 [4 favorites]
Contact mutual friends and tell them you've broken up and for safety will get back in contact when you trust they understand he must not be in contact with you through them, some will understand. He used you to the fullest extent he possibly could. You now have money and time for yourself to make the best life you possibly can. Fixing people is really, really hard. It was admirable that you tried. Work with your therapist to put together a mental checklist of what you must see from future partners, and trigger warning behaviors you will want to walk away from.
Moving on is hard. You did the right thing. Don't give up. Don't give in. You may want to make this post anonymous if he knows your username.
posted by parmanparman at 10:08 AM on May 12, 2017 [4 favorites]
A thing I grappled with for a lot of years after leaving an abusive relationship is that in a lot of ways, we are conditioned that the person who ends the long term relationship is the bad person, and the one who gave up. From an outside perspective this isn't true at all, but it definitely was responsible for much of my guilt. It's not fair for him to act poorly then put the pressure back on you about the relationship not working. Please, for your own sanity, tell him to stop contacting you, then block him everywhere. Work on making yourself feel like the whole human you are, and I promise, it gets better. 9 years after I left, I never feel guilt about leaving, just sadness that I waited so long.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 10:13 AM on May 12, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by Nimmie Amee at 10:13 AM on May 12, 2017 [7 favorites]
Basically, he wants to get back together and feels that I acted unfairly by breaking up with him.
Please recognize that this is a further abuse of you, by 1) denying your autonomy and 2) denying the ways he was a terrible and abusive partner. This is not a sympathetic cri de coeur from a wronged person - it's just one more assault on your psyche in an attempt to bend you to his will.
If you are anything like me, you will get less guilty by allowing yourself to become angry. You're still saying "but I love him!" when detailing the ways he hurt and abused you, and you'll probably feel much better when you can say, "what a shitty boyfriend he was!"
posted by Squeak Attack at 10:15 AM on May 12, 2017 [35 favorites]
Please recognize that this is a further abuse of you, by 1) denying your autonomy and 2) denying the ways he was a terrible and abusive partner. This is not a sympathetic cri de coeur from a wronged person - it's just one more assault on your psyche in an attempt to bend you to his will.
If you are anything like me, you will get less guilty by allowing yourself to become angry. You're still saying "but I love him!" when detailing the ways he hurt and abused you, and you'll probably feel much better when you can say, "what a shitty boyfriend he was!"
posted by Squeak Attack at 10:15 AM on May 12, 2017 [35 favorites]
Oh, and if it helps, he's taking advantage of your kindness and humanity. He knows he can prick your conscience because you're a decent person, and then keep getting the things he wants from you. Classic abuse. The only thing to do with a person like that is cut them off; you're not helping anyone by giving them what they want.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:16 AM on May 12, 2017 [12 favorites]
posted by stoneandstar at 10:16 AM on May 12, 2017 [12 favorites]
It's valid to love someone and wish things could have been different and be sad about it, but you broke up with him for a lot of good reasons and you need to move on with your life. He is deliberately trying to guilt you into getting back together with him, and as long as you keep talking to him he is not going to stop. This is another abuser's tactic: as long as you don't stop him, he will keep going. No matter what you say to him about respecting your boundaries or this being final, if you keep talking to him he will believe he can wear you down. So, block him. Phone, text, email, social networking, everywhere. Block him and tell your friends what's gone on and that you have ended contact with him for safety reasons and you cannot be at parties or events he is invited to. Avoid places you know he hangs out. Avoid his friends - hey, block them too. Do nice things for yourself and let yourself feel the relief of not being with him, not listening to him cry crocodile tears about how sad it is that you stopped taking his abuse and stood up for yourself. The guilt is part of the abuser's conditioning, because one of the big things they do is try to convince you that their feelings are paramount and yours are trivial. Remind yourself that you are allowed to put yourself first, you are allowed to be happy, you are allowed to feel safe, and you don't owe him anything.
posted by bile and syntax at 10:27 AM on May 12, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 10:27 AM on May 12, 2017 [4 favorites]
You don't need to justify anything to anyone, least of all him. He was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. He was a useless sponge and is now sad his golden cow is cutting him off. Every single thing that you listed about him is plenty of reason to dump him on his sorry ass.
Step 1: go no contact. You can't greive, heal, and recover if he won't go away.
Step 2: make a list of all the super shitty things he's done. Not just "he was sometimes physically abusive" but nitty gritty "he slammed me against the wall on days x, y, and z, while saying this hurtful thing." it is not a fun or happy list, but making it specifically clear to your self just how shitty he was can help solidify your decision in your own mind. There was a llloooottttt of poop in your milkshake, I'm sad to say.
3. Reinforce to yourself how much value you do have. You got out of a super shitty relationship, and that truly is hard. A bunch of mefite strangers want you to be happy, thrive, and universally support your decision to dump the abusive ex. Doing something to physically break up your trains of bad thoughts, like rtha said, really can help.
Remember: you deserve better than him. You had 11100% valid reasons for leaving him, and so you did. There is no magic way you can kiss that frog and turn him into a human being. The best thing you can do for you is to protect yourself.
posted by Jacen at 10:29 AM on May 12, 2017 [6 favorites]
Step 1: go no contact. You can't greive, heal, and recover if he won't go away.
Step 2: make a list of all the super shitty things he's done. Not just "he was sometimes physically abusive" but nitty gritty "he slammed me against the wall on days x, y, and z, while saying this hurtful thing." it is not a fun or happy list, but making it specifically clear to your self just how shitty he was can help solidify your decision in your own mind. There was a llloooottttt of poop in your milkshake, I'm sad to say.
3. Reinforce to yourself how much value you do have. You got out of a super shitty relationship, and that truly is hard. A bunch of mefite strangers want you to be happy, thrive, and universally support your decision to dump the abusive ex. Doing something to physically break up your trains of bad thoughts, like rtha said, really can help.
Remember: you deserve better than him. You had 11100% valid reasons for leaving him, and so you did. There is no magic way you can kiss that frog and turn him into a human being. The best thing you can do for you is to protect yourself.
posted by Jacen at 10:29 AM on May 12, 2017 [6 favorites]
The fastest thing you can do to speed up the dissipation of your guilty feelings is to block him from contacting you, full stop. Block his email, his phone number, his texts, his social media, all of it. If you are having a hard time, get a trusted friend to sit down with you at your computer and your phone and do it for you.
posted by juniperesque at 10:45 AM on May 12, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by juniperesque at 10:45 AM on May 12, 2017 [5 favorites]
This:
He has continued to contact me via text messages and social media, asking me "why I ended the relationship," telling me that he still loves me, inviting me to the movies with him, etc. Basically, he wants to get back together and feels that I acted unfairly by breaking up with him.
Directly explains this:
I still have pangs of guilt about ending the relationship.
Dude is still fucking with you! He's still making you feel bad! You're feeling guilty because that's what he's trying (succeeding) to do. You know you did the right thing, that pang isn't you. That pang is one he intentionally implanted in you and can activate any time he wants. Don't let him anymore.
Block him every which way, don't open his messages. That's gonna work like gangbusters, I promise. How can you heal from this relationship and abuse when it's ongoing? You can't.
posted by kapers at 11:01 AM on May 12, 2017 [17 favorites]
He has continued to contact me via text messages and social media, asking me "why I ended the relationship," telling me that he still loves me, inviting me to the movies with him, etc. Basically, he wants to get back together and feels that I acted unfairly by breaking up with him.
Directly explains this:
I still have pangs of guilt about ending the relationship.
Dude is still fucking with you! He's still making you feel bad! You're feeling guilty because that's what he's trying (succeeding) to do. You know you did the right thing, that pang isn't you. That pang is one he intentionally implanted in you and can activate any time he wants. Don't let him anymore.
Block him every which way, don't open his messages. That's gonna work like gangbusters, I promise. How can you heal from this relationship and abuse when it's ongoing? You can't.
posted by kapers at 11:01 AM on May 12, 2017 [17 favorites]
Oh man I felt so much guilt leaving my abuser. This kind community helped me a lot, especially in answers to my questions "Should I go back?" and three months later again in "How to go no contact with an abuser?" Maybe some of those answers will help you as well.
I am worlds away from this now and I will say: it does get better, it takes a lot of time, leaving an abuser is very much a process and not an event. For me, writing a list of specific horrible things he had done to me was very helpful. Going true no contact and blocking him actively from my life was helpful. EMDR therapy, group therapy at a women's shelter, individual therapy, were all helpful. Getting super focused on learning a new skill (I chose knitting) was helpful.
Take care of yourself. This is hard and it will continue to be difficult, but I promise that time does make it easier and easier, until one day you are looking back and it's been five years and you're ok.
Take care.
posted by sockermom at 11:07 AM on May 12, 2017 [9 favorites]
I am worlds away from this now and I will say: it does get better, it takes a lot of time, leaving an abuser is very much a process and not an event. For me, writing a list of specific horrible things he had done to me was very helpful. Going true no contact and blocking him actively from my life was helpful. EMDR therapy, group therapy at a women's shelter, individual therapy, were all helpful. Getting super focused on learning a new skill (I chose knitting) was helpful.
Take care of yourself. This is hard and it will continue to be difficult, but I promise that time does make it easier and easier, until one day you are looking back and it's been five years and you're ok.
Take care.
posted by sockermom at 11:07 AM on May 12, 2017 [9 favorites]
Your post doesn't indicate that you are, but many women who leave abusive men are in danger until their ex focuses their energy onto a new victim. He was 'very rarely' physically abusive, but he was on occasion, which means he's willing to put hands on a woman. I just wanted to point that out and make sure that you have taken precautions to ensure your safety. Does he have an old key? Should you change the locks? If he gets drunk some night in the future and gets angry about what happened will he just randomly show up? I don't think women can be too cautious.
As for feeling guilty, you may have stockholm syndrome or some variation of it. If you grew up with an emotionally or physically abusive parent, it can be difficult to separate dysfunction from your adult relationships. Dysfunctional and abusive people are still people, and they aren't impossible to love, and sometimes it's all we know. But you did the right thing and separated yourself from that. Focus your energy on that when feelings of guilt creep in. You must focus your love and energy on self-care right now. You need to heal, and you need to learn about your tendencies and your past that made this abusive situation possible. Often victims of abuse will either seek out or make themselves available to abusive people because they are accustomed to being victims in relationships, and/or they don't realize that they are perfect targets for abusers. You need to stay single until you are confident that you can spot the warning signs that indicate instability and predatory behavioral patterns in others before you fall in love with another person. You did the right thing. Don't backslide and absolutely continue therapy and become stronger. You are already doing it, so it's not a question of whether or not you can. Stick with it. You deserve a healthy relationship and you are worthy of one
posted by Avosunspin at 11:11 AM on May 12, 2017 [9 favorites]
As for feeling guilty, you may have stockholm syndrome or some variation of it. If you grew up with an emotionally or physically abusive parent, it can be difficult to separate dysfunction from your adult relationships. Dysfunctional and abusive people are still people, and they aren't impossible to love, and sometimes it's all we know. But you did the right thing and separated yourself from that. Focus your energy on that when feelings of guilt creep in. You must focus your love and energy on self-care right now. You need to heal, and you need to learn about your tendencies and your past that made this abusive situation possible. Often victims of abuse will either seek out or make themselves available to abusive people because they are accustomed to being victims in relationships, and/or they don't realize that they are perfect targets for abusers. You need to stay single until you are confident that you can spot the warning signs that indicate instability and predatory behavioral patterns in others before you fall in love with another person. You did the right thing. Don't backslide and absolutely continue therapy and become stronger. You are already doing it, so it's not a question of whether or not you can. Stick with it. You deserve a healthy relationship and you are worthy of one
posted by Avosunspin at 11:11 AM on May 12, 2017 [9 favorites]
To answer your question, I don't think you can control your feelings. However, you can control the things that are setting off those feelings, and develop things to do to distract you and move on when the feelings hit. So.
1) Go no contact
2) When you are feeling guilty, call a friend for a chat, read a good book, see a movie, go for a walk, get on your bike, pet a dog, get a tea...whatever works and is possible in the moment. Do as much new as possible, because it has no memories of him in it.
3) Step away from The Google and find anything else you can do other than check up on him online.
Keep going. In a little bit longer it will be easier.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:18 AM on May 12, 2017 [3 favorites]
1) Go no contact
2) When you are feeling guilty, call a friend for a chat, read a good book, see a movie, go for a walk, get on your bike, pet a dog, get a tea...whatever works and is possible in the moment. Do as much new as possible, because it has no memories of him in it.
3) Step away from The Google and find anything else you can do other than check up on him online.
Keep going. In a little bit longer it will be easier.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:18 AM on May 12, 2017 [3 favorites]
I agree with those who've said no contact. So long as you are safe in doing so, absolutely cut him off completely. That is a huge step in taking care of yourself. And again just to cover all the possibilities, it's important to know that ending contact with an abuser can trigger violent behavior, so absolutely make sure you are safe in doing so, and if not have a plan.
posted by Avosunspin at 11:23 AM on May 12, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Avosunspin at 11:23 AM on May 12, 2017 [1 favorite]
Block, block, block. Of course he wants to get back together, you were supporting him! That is not a good reason to get back together.
Fill your time with things you find interesting, and your guilt will fade. You did what was best for you.
But if he does start to become threatening, document EVERYTHING and keep in close contact with law enforcement and/or a lawyer. Just in case!
I know it's scary, you can do it. Many of us in this thread have, and I promise you none of us regret it.
posted by PaulaSchultz at 11:36 AM on May 12, 2017 [3 favorites]
Fill your time with things you find interesting, and your guilt will fade. You did what was best for you.
But if he does start to become threatening, document EVERYTHING and keep in close contact with law enforcement and/or a lawyer. Just in case!
I know it's scary, you can do it. Many of us in this thread have, and I promise you none of us regret it.
posted by PaulaSchultz at 11:36 AM on May 12, 2017 [3 favorites]
I will add my voice to the chorus saying block him. Tell him not to contact you again, then block his number on your phone, block him on social media, block him any other way he is blockable. If he contacts you in person after being told not to, go to the police and get a restraining order.
And continue to get help from your therapist.
Good for you on dumping this loser, I sincerely hope your next relationship is a healthy one.
posted by Cranialtorque at 11:44 AM on May 12, 2017 [1 favorite]
And continue to get help from your therapist.
Good for you on dumping this loser, I sincerely hope your next relationship is a healthy one.
posted by Cranialtorque at 11:44 AM on May 12, 2017 [1 favorite]
You're feeling guilty because in this relationship, you were responsible for his feelings.
Now he's feeling bad. Good. He's feeling bad because the bad things he did have caught up with him. You know how people joke "you're a bad person and you should feel bad"? That's him.
He should feel bad.
It's not because you did something cruel. It's because the natural consequence of treating people like shit is that you lose those people.
You don't need to listen to his tiny violin.
Let him feel bad all on his own and do things that make you feel good.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:19 PM on May 12, 2017 [10 favorites]
Now he's feeling bad. Good. He's feeling bad because the bad things he did have caught up with him. You know how people joke "you're a bad person and you should feel bad"? That's him.
He should feel bad.
It's not because you did something cruel. It's because the natural consequence of treating people like shit is that you lose those people.
You don't need to listen to his tiny violin.
Let him feel bad all on his own and do things that make you feel good.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:19 PM on May 12, 2017 [10 favorites]
I think you should re-evaluate your current counsellor. You deserve whatever amount of time to process your grief that is necessary. Saying you have "exactly five seconds" suggests that she is minimizing your experience and that she really doesn't get intimate partner violence.
posted by shockpoppet at 12:44 PM on May 12, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by shockpoppet at 12:44 PM on May 12, 2017 [11 favorites]
It took a lot of courage and I am very proud of myself for getting out of a toxic relationship.
You write these words out and put them up around your home and you look in the mirror and you tell yourself how proud you are and how strong you are and that you have absolutely NO reason to feel guilty.
posted by JenThePro at 12:48 PM on May 12, 2017 [8 favorites]
You write these words out and put them up around your home and you look in the mirror and you tell yourself how proud you are and how strong you are and that you have absolutely NO reason to feel guilty.
posted by JenThePro at 12:48 PM on May 12, 2017 [8 favorites]
Also, this is a dangerous time (leaving is dangerous). Do you have a women's shelter that you've spoken with? I found the domestic violence shelter to be very very helpful for me. Initially I resisted because I told myself I wasn't being abused "enough" to warrant their help, but I was incorrect. They gave me a lot of much needed support at a critical time.
posted by sockermom at 1:34 PM on May 12, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by sockermom at 1:34 PM on May 12, 2017 [3 favorites]
As others said, block him everywhere. I dumped my abuser almost 4 years ago and he is still blocked. Also, you need to get mad. That will eliminate your guilt. And a little warning about what is to come, I still experience some PTSD from that relationship and the things he said and did lived in my head for a long time, like a tape on repeat. You deserve better. He deserves nothing from you.
posted by poppunkcat at 1:52 PM on May 12, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by poppunkcat at 1:52 PM on May 12, 2017 [3 favorites]
Are you familiar with the writings of Lundy Bancroft? He writes about abusive men and the dynamics of abusive relationships, including why they are so hard to leave--and steps to breaking free. "Why Does He Do That" is one title, and I believe there is a separate book specifically about leaving and recovery. On mobile so can't easily check--but definitely recommend it strongly.
posted by Sublimity at 6:41 PM on May 12, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Sublimity at 6:41 PM on May 12, 2017 [3 favorites]
This perspective is not specific to leaving an abusive relationship, but about feelings of guilt and regret in general.
I tend to be the type of person who ruminates on the past a lot, and there were a few events that happened in my life that really weighed on me and I kept returning to them over and over in my mind. I did a number of the things listed here, like the writing of a letter that doesn't get sent/journaling, trying to block the people involved from my life, and then trying to just cut myself off every time I realized I was getting into a thought spiral. And I was definitely distracting myself with any number of other great things in my life - but the thoughts kept coming up in lonely places, like long solo car rides.
Perhaps it's in part to do with the fact that getting over things is a "process" as someone wisely noted above, and those other things allowed me to reach a stage where I was ready for another breakthrough on it, but I ultimately didn't feel that those above things helped me as much, because they were all directed towards avoidance and control of communication with the people who were the problem.
What I found more helpful (recommended here by people who have read Pema Chodron, I attribute all wisdom in this approach to her) was to focus on what my recurrent thoughts were saying about me. Rather than thinking about the other people involved over and over, rehashing their thoughts and actions, rehashing my own thoughts and actions with regret, wondering why certain things happened, and such lines of thought, I stepped back - sort of meta-thinking - and wondered "self, why do you keep thinking about this? What is is about this that is bothering you so much? What did this situation mean to me? What is this recurrent thought trying to tell me, is there something about this situation that I haven't learned, that my brain is attempting to teach me?"
I then came to a major realization about the whole debacle that completely changed the way I viewed all the events that had occurred. Subsequently, I found that my ruminations on the matter completely ceased, and I also stopped having a certain recurrent nightmare about the same problem that had always ended with me trying to open my mouth to confront someone and speak but not being able to make a sound, as if I had lost my voice. I haven't had that dream in years.
Confronting and thinking harder about negative situations and feelings seems paradoxical, whereas trying to avoid them and replace them with other thoughts appears on the surface to be more rational - but I would definitely recommend giving a try to this strategy as a 'rip the band-aid off' kind of move that might save you quite a drawn out period of low grade pain.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:46 PM on May 12, 2017 [8 favorites]
I tend to be the type of person who ruminates on the past a lot, and there were a few events that happened in my life that really weighed on me and I kept returning to them over and over in my mind. I did a number of the things listed here, like the writing of a letter that doesn't get sent/journaling, trying to block the people involved from my life, and then trying to just cut myself off every time I realized I was getting into a thought spiral. And I was definitely distracting myself with any number of other great things in my life - but the thoughts kept coming up in lonely places, like long solo car rides.
Perhaps it's in part to do with the fact that getting over things is a "process" as someone wisely noted above, and those other things allowed me to reach a stage where I was ready for another breakthrough on it, but I ultimately didn't feel that those above things helped me as much, because they were all directed towards avoidance and control of communication with the people who were the problem.
What I found more helpful (recommended here by people who have read Pema Chodron, I attribute all wisdom in this approach to her) was to focus on what my recurrent thoughts were saying about me. Rather than thinking about the other people involved over and over, rehashing their thoughts and actions, rehashing my own thoughts and actions with regret, wondering why certain things happened, and such lines of thought, I stepped back - sort of meta-thinking - and wondered "self, why do you keep thinking about this? What is is about this that is bothering you so much? What did this situation mean to me? What is this recurrent thought trying to tell me, is there something about this situation that I haven't learned, that my brain is attempting to teach me?"
I then came to a major realization about the whole debacle that completely changed the way I viewed all the events that had occurred. Subsequently, I found that my ruminations on the matter completely ceased, and I also stopped having a certain recurrent nightmare about the same problem that had always ended with me trying to open my mouth to confront someone and speak but not being able to make a sound, as if I had lost my voice. I haven't had that dream in years.
Confronting and thinking harder about negative situations and feelings seems paradoxical, whereas trying to avoid them and replace them with other thoughts appears on the surface to be more rational - but I would definitely recommend giving a try to this strategy as a 'rip the band-aid off' kind of move that might save you quite a drawn out period of low grade pain.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:46 PM on May 12, 2017 [8 favorites]
It's okay and normal to feel this way. I did, when I left an abuser. Blocking him is an absolute must but so is time. It takes a long time to re-find yourself, and it's also normal if some of that process contains grief at a loss.
This helped me: when I started feeling guilty, I stopped and thought about how that should make me angry - it's one more way he was using me even when I finally escaped. But I didn't need the guilt or the anger. I needed to heal. So I'd acknowledged the feelings, put them down, and then do something nice for myself - a compliment, or a cup of tea, or grabbing a book I've been meaning to read, or a walk, or putting something fancy on to lounge around and feel beautiful. Transforming the guilt or sorrow or rage into an act of self-love put me back in contact with myself - built back up my respect for myself - and even if it didn't speed the process up at leas made my days feel much better and healthier as I recovered.
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 8:24 AM on May 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
This helped me: when I started feeling guilty, I stopped and thought about how that should make me angry - it's one more way he was using me even when I finally escaped. But I didn't need the guilt or the anger. I needed to heal. So I'd acknowledged the feelings, put them down, and then do something nice for myself - a compliment, or a cup of tea, or grabbing a book I've been meaning to read, or a walk, or putting something fancy on to lounge around and feel beautiful. Transforming the guilt or sorrow or rage into an act of self-love put me back in contact with myself - built back up my respect for myself - and even if it didn't speed the process up at leas made my days feel much better and healthier as I recovered.
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 8:24 AM on May 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
I agree with people saying your therapist is giving crummy advice. You need to digest the feelings you're having, not squash them. At a point in the future when your guilt has run its course, "five seconds" is an ok metric, but things are still fresh and it's ok to need more time to see the relationship and it's ending more clearly.
I suggest setting aside two blocks of time to journal without judgement about how you feel (writing my own thoughts without judging myself is HARD, but I usually like the result). Plan both blocks in advance, probably within a day of each other but not back to back. During the first, explore your guilt to its deepest extent. Let it get irrational without fighting it. The "fighting" happens in the second writing session: journal about how it feels to be free of the relationship, how and why you're happier now.
By planning the good-stuff session in advance, you give yourself more freedom to explore the guilt and sadness while lowering the risk that it will change your mind about ending things. You know you're better off now, but that doesn't mean you can't honor and comfort the parts of yourself that used to care about your ex.
If you don't go no-context before the journaling exercise, you'll probably be ready to after.
posted by itesser at 8:59 AM on May 13, 2017
I suggest setting aside two blocks of time to journal without judgement about how you feel (writing my own thoughts without judging myself is HARD, but I usually like the result). Plan both blocks in advance, probably within a day of each other but not back to back. During the first, explore your guilt to its deepest extent. Let it get irrational without fighting it. The "fighting" happens in the second writing session: journal about how it feels to be free of the relationship, how and why you're happier now.
By planning the good-stuff session in advance, you give yourself more freedom to explore the guilt and sadness while lowering the risk that it will change your mind about ending things. You know you're better off now, but that doesn't mean you can't honor and comfort the parts of yourself that used to care about your ex.
If you don't go no-context before the journaling exercise, you'll probably be ready to after.
posted by itesser at 8:59 AM on May 13, 2017
Your ex sounds like my ex-husband. The two things that worked for me were going full no-contact and therapy. No-contact was vital, because he would not stop trying to get me to get dinner with him, be his "friend," etc. You are not obligated to be friends, or even friendly, with someone who abused you. Full stop. You do not owe him anything. The therapy helped me to get out of the endless relationship-replay in my head. Both were super, super helpful for me. You did the hardest and scariest thing by breaking up with him, now you just need to give yourself time to heal, and he really can't be part of that.
posted by sarcasticah at 1:40 PM on May 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by sarcasticah at 1:40 PM on May 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
You're talking to the queen of irrational guilt and regret. Anytime you feel it coming on, just do something to distract yourself. It will pass. You know you've done the right thing.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:47 PM on May 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:47 PM on May 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
Not sure if useful, but a perspective from the other side.
I ended up living with a girlfriend for a while after a business failed under really bad circumstances. I wasn't physically or verbally abusive, but I had a handful of times where I was super difficult, and I was very depressed throughout the whole period (understandably). She did pay things for me for a while. Eventually she concluded (I suspect) that I wasn't going to get anywhere soon, so she moved back home overseas. The second-order effects of that caused me a ridiculous amount of trouble, but moving - in effect, ending the relationship, even if she didn't admit to herself at the time that's what she was doing - was still a healthy, correct decision on her part. She had already been plenty generous (just as you have been) and didn't owe me anything.
I haven't been in contact with her since ending the relationship. (It became clear that the combined stress of long-distance and the accumulated problems I was dealing with from the failed business and the aftereffects of that were too much for the relationship to bear.) But if we met again, I'd support her decision to leave. I support your decision to leave your boyfriend too, I think there's no reason for you to feel guilty, just as there's no reason for my ex to.
Best of luck... keep seeing the therapist, I've personally found that really useful.
posted by iffthen at 12:53 AM on May 15, 2017
I ended up living with a girlfriend for a while after a business failed under really bad circumstances. I wasn't physically or verbally abusive, but I had a handful of times where I was super difficult, and I was very depressed throughout the whole period (understandably). She did pay things for me for a while. Eventually she concluded (I suspect) that I wasn't going to get anywhere soon, so she moved back home overseas. The second-order effects of that caused me a ridiculous amount of trouble, but moving - in effect, ending the relationship, even if she didn't admit to herself at the time that's what she was doing - was still a healthy, correct decision on her part. She had already been plenty generous (just as you have been) and didn't owe me anything.
I haven't been in contact with her since ending the relationship. (It became clear that the combined stress of long-distance and the accumulated problems I was dealing with from the failed business and the aftereffects of that were too much for the relationship to bear.) But if we met again, I'd support her decision to leave. I support your decision to leave your boyfriend too, I think there's no reason for you to feel guilty, just as there's no reason for my ex to.
Best of luck... keep seeing the therapist, I've personally found that really useful.
posted by iffthen at 12:53 AM on May 15, 2017
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It will get better over time; the feelings are normal and understandable, and you don't have to act on them or give them any more weight than you would the desire to eat nothing but cake for the rest of your life. Whenever you find yourself starting to ruminate, say "I am not doing this now," and then literally do something else: touch your toes, make a cup of tea, spend five minutes running through every single step of making that cup of tea. In this case, denial is your friend.
Good for you for breaking up!
posted by rtha at 9:59 AM on May 12, 2017 [44 favorites]