What's wrong with me?
May 8, 2017 6:16 AM Subscribe
Every single semester I've been in school, I always procrastinate until the last second. I've have skipped final exams before for several classes because I figured I'd never pass anyway so why even try. I'm terrified of essays and I find it hard to sit down and write one. It took me three tries to finish a class where I had to write a 3000 word essay. I feel like I'm not really capable of anything.
I've had this issue for years and I'm finally giving up. I'm so close to finishing my B.S degree but I'm having trouble finishing this one class because I cannot sit down and study and I'd rather sit around and be lazy and lay in bed all day then actually do something with my life. I feel like a failure. Even while I was in high school, I would have suicidal thoughts while I was writing an essay. I don't know why everything overwhelms me sometimes. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed. I feel like I have nothing to show for life and I just don't care about anything anymore. It's apparent I like to self-sabotage myself for whatever reason. I'm actually happier when I fail because that means I no longer have to try anymore, if that makes any sense.
I literally have had weeks of depression because I failed to do something. I just don't understand why I behave this way at all. Why is it so hard to just do the work?
I've had this issue for years and I'm finally giving up. I'm so close to finishing my B.S degree but I'm having trouble finishing this one class because I cannot sit down and study and I'd rather sit around and be lazy and lay in bed all day then actually do something with my life. I feel like a failure. Even while I was in high school, I would have suicidal thoughts while I was writing an essay. I don't know why everything overwhelms me sometimes. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed. I feel like I have nothing to show for life and I just don't care about anything anymore. It's apparent I like to self-sabotage myself for whatever reason. I'm actually happier when I fail because that means I no longer have to try anymore, if that makes any sense.
I literally have had weeks of depression because I failed to do something. I just don't understand why I behave this way at all. Why is it so hard to just do the work?
It's hard to do the work when you are suffering this level of anxiety and depression. IANAD, but this sounds pretty classic to me - I was an Olympic class procrastinator in college, but because I was So Busy With All The Things, not because I was paralyzed with depression, and I always did end up turning my work in (mostly on time, even). Please see your doctor and/or college health services for an evaluation. You are far from the only student they've seen with symptoms like this.
posted by rtha at 6:25 AM on May 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by rtha at 6:25 AM on May 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
...And I've just skimmed through your previous askmes. You asked a similar question in February. Whatever treatment you're in now or have been in in the recent past doesn't seem to be working for you, so you're going to have to explore different options (individual therapy, meds, etc.).
posted by rtha at 6:30 AM on May 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by rtha at 6:30 AM on May 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
Why is it so hard to just do the work?
Because you're depressed, and doing anything is difficult when you're depressed. And I don't mean you're depressed because you can't do the work, I mean you have an illness called depression (for whatever reason, often for no obvious reason), and because of that, you can't do the work, because being unable to DO stuff is a classic symptom of depression.
As mentioned above - first stop is your doctor and/or uni counselling service, if you're not already being treated for this (and, actually, if you are being treated, you need to go back and tell everyone it's not working and look at what to try next). Then to your college to tell them you have depression, are seeking treatment, and need to find out what allowances can be made in your deadlines.
Make your priority getting through the depression and, in due course, being able to do the work will follow, I promise. Maybe not very quickly - you'll need to be patient - but it will.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible, and you deserve to be happy and content (and you can get there, but you need help to get there).
posted by penguin pie at 6:31 AM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
Because you're depressed, and doing anything is difficult when you're depressed. And I don't mean you're depressed because you can't do the work, I mean you have an illness called depression (for whatever reason, often for no obvious reason), and because of that, you can't do the work, because being unable to DO stuff is a classic symptom of depression.
As mentioned above - first stop is your doctor and/or uni counselling service, if you're not already being treated for this (and, actually, if you are being treated, you need to go back and tell everyone it's not working and look at what to try next). Then to your college to tell them you have depression, are seeking treatment, and need to find out what allowances can be made in your deadlines.
Make your priority getting through the depression and, in due course, being able to do the work will follow, I promise. Maybe not very quickly - you'll need to be patient - but it will.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible, and you deserve to be happy and content (and you can get there, but you need help to get there).
posted by penguin pie at 6:31 AM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I only get really depressed sometimes, other times I'm fine. I feel like this is more of a lazy problem then a mental illness problem. I can still get to work at my retail job everyday and I can laugh and smile with people.
posted by sheepishchiffon at 6:35 AM on May 8, 2017
posted by sheepishchiffon at 6:35 AM on May 8, 2017
On preview: As rtha says, the answers to your earlier question about being unable to do stuff still stand, and apply exactly to your current situation.
posted by penguin pie at 6:35 AM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by penguin pie at 6:35 AM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: When I have self-sabotaged in college (and high school, and grad school, and my workplaces), it has tended to stem from a desire for people to not find out that I'm actually terrible at things. I'm not terrible at things at all -- I'm smart and good at writing, but I have such high expectations of myself that not trying is the only way I can possibly meet them. If I haven't tried my best, no one can judge my best work, because it doesn't yet exist. This doesn't mean I'm lazy; it means my brain is trying to protect me in a way that doesn't work for my current situation.
If this sounds familiar, know that you're not alone! Individual therapy helps to pick out patterns like this (or whichever other pattern is leading to your difficulties, if not this one). Yes, this behavior can be because of depression, as other commenters are noting, but it can also bring you there if you've been stuck in that way of thinking long enough.
Regardless, what you're doing to try to figure out your behavior isn't working. Time to call in an expert.
posted by HtotheH at 6:40 AM on May 8, 2017 [27 favorites]
If this sounds familiar, know that you're not alone! Individual therapy helps to pick out patterns like this (or whichever other pattern is leading to your difficulties, if not this one). Yes, this behavior can be because of depression, as other commenters are noting, but it can also bring you there if you've been stuck in that way of thinking long enough.
Regardless, what you're doing to try to figure out your behavior isn't working. Time to call in an expert.
posted by HtotheH at 6:40 AM on May 8, 2017 [27 favorites]
Best answer: Sorry, to keep coming back, but have now seen your response. To me, this still sounds like depression. Maybe mild/moderate rather than severe if you're able to do some things, but it still sounds like depression to me. I can get out the door to work, can laugh, smile, etc. but when I find it hard to motivate myself to do anything in my free time other than lie down, I know it's a wee touch of depression hovering in the wings.
As was mentioned in the answers to your last question, depression comes in many forms and may not be the same each time it arrives.
Are you being treated for depression?
I might be totally wrong, we're all different (and I like HtotheH's reply, it might be something totally different but whatever it is, it sounds like something you could use a hand with). But given that it's probably taken me a couple of decades to work out that extreme apathy in certain areas of life can be a symptom of depression, I'd be really happy to save you that time by passing that on.
posted by penguin pie at 6:44 AM on May 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
As was mentioned in the answers to your last question, depression comes in many forms and may not be the same each time it arrives.
Are you being treated for depression?
I might be totally wrong, we're all different (and I like HtotheH's reply, it might be something totally different but whatever it is, it sounds like something you could use a hand with). But given that it's probably taken me a couple of decades to work out that extreme apathy in certain areas of life can be a symptom of depression, I'd be really happy to save you that time by passing that on.
posted by penguin pie at 6:44 AM on May 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I felt the same way you did in school and only graduated by the skin of my teeth. After graduation, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder. I too had no problem laughing, joking, and smiling with people. It was difficult for me to reconcile my easy smiles with my suicidal ideation and my irrational procrastination at work. That's because depression is a disease that warps one's thoughts about oneself.
Please see a psychiatrist and a therapist. For me, getting meds was like night and day, and with their help I was able to learn cognitive and exercise techniques to taper down the meds. Now I have a good understanding of when I'm good and when I need a helping hand to get back to where I need to be.
posted by infinitewindow at 6:44 AM on May 8, 2017 [20 favorites]
Please see a psychiatrist and a therapist. For me, getting meds was like night and day, and with their help I was able to learn cognitive and exercise techniques to taper down the meds. Now I have a good understanding of when I'm good and when I need a helping hand to get back to where I need to be.
posted by infinitewindow at 6:44 AM on May 8, 2017 [20 favorites]
"I feel like this is more of a lazy problem then a mental illness problem"
And this is why you continue having the problem. Treat it like a mental illness problem, go to therapy, possible get on medication. Your college almost certainly offers a free counseling center. Do it now, before graduation, because post-college counseling is not free. And if you think college is hard to get through, wait until you start applying for jobs.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:02 AM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
And this is why you continue having the problem. Treat it like a mental illness problem, go to therapy, possible get on medication. Your college almost certainly offers a free counseling center. Do it now, before graduation, because post-college counseling is not free. And if you think college is hard to get through, wait until you start applying for jobs.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:02 AM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I've done group therapy at my college before. I'm lucky to have decent insurance under my parents plan.
" And if you think college is hard to get through, wait until you start applying for jobs."
lolol you don't think I know that? You don't think I've thought that at least a million times before?
posted by sheepishchiffon at 7:06 AM on May 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
" And if you think college is hard to get through, wait until you start applying for jobs."
lolol you don't think I know that? You don't think I've thought that at least a million times before?
posted by sheepishchiffon at 7:06 AM on May 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
Best answer: There are two ways to ask this question.
Without depression, or with successful treatment for depression: I always procrastinate until the last second. How can I break this habit? What strategies have worked for you? (etc., etc.)
With untreated depression: I always procrastinate until the last second. I'm so ashamed of myself. What the hell is wrong with me? (etc., etc.)
Procrastination is a common human habit, and scores of people have missed opportunities because of it. It's your depression that's trying to convince you that it's insurmountable and a sign you're a failure. Depression makes every path in your mental flow chart eventually lead to "I suck," and it's really hard to fix anything without rerouting those paths. That often requires outside help - for me, it was a combination of therapy and medication.
Getting the depression treated will not automatically make you proactive and productive (as I discovered to my chagrin). But it will keep away the shame spirals that are currently preventing you from developing those habits.
And "only depressed sometimes" is still depressed. Depression isn't necessarily constant misery or a complete lack of functioning; sometimes it's going to your job and paying your bills on time and having good days and other days you're in a really dark miserable place, or maybe just a really gray dull place. The only-bad-sometimes variety of depression can be especially insidious because when you're feeling okay you may assume you don't need treatment, and when you're feeling bad you may assume it's your fault because you're okay the rest of the time - and you can end up putting off treatment for way too long when you're in that cycle.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:17 AM on May 8, 2017 [24 favorites]
Without depression, or with successful treatment for depression: I always procrastinate until the last second. How can I break this habit? What strategies have worked for you? (etc., etc.)
With untreated depression: I always procrastinate until the last second. I'm so ashamed of myself. What the hell is wrong with me? (etc., etc.)
Procrastination is a common human habit, and scores of people have missed opportunities because of it. It's your depression that's trying to convince you that it's insurmountable and a sign you're a failure. Depression makes every path in your mental flow chart eventually lead to "I suck," and it's really hard to fix anything without rerouting those paths. That often requires outside help - for me, it was a combination of therapy and medication.
Getting the depression treated will not automatically make you proactive and productive (as I discovered to my chagrin). But it will keep away the shame spirals that are currently preventing you from developing those habits.
And "only depressed sometimes" is still depressed. Depression isn't necessarily constant misery or a complete lack of functioning; sometimes it's going to your job and paying your bills on time and having good days and other days you're in a really dark miserable place, or maybe just a really gray dull place. The only-bad-sometimes variety of depression can be especially insidious because when you're feeling okay you may assume you don't need treatment, and when you're feeling bad you may assume it's your fault because you're okay the rest of the time - and you can end up putting off treatment for way too long when you're in that cycle.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:17 AM on May 8, 2017 [24 favorites]
Best answer: I only get really depressed sometimes, other times I'm fine. I feel like this is more of a lazy problem then a mental illness problem. I can still get to work at my retail job everyday and I can laugh and smile with people.
Yep, you're describing depression. You can describe to me all day that ways that you don't think you exhibit symptoms of depression but you're just describing how your individual flavor of depression is both different and similar to everyone else's.
Put another way, if you kind of had a cold that wasn't noticeable a lot of the time, sometimes got bad, and sometimes turned into pneumonia, and you've had this same cold off and on for YEARS, everyone would be telling you that you need to see a doctor. Just describing those symptoms out loud makes it obvious that you'd need professional help right? Mental illness isn't really that different. You're sick, not often super sick, but sick enough that you need to talk to a doctor about it.
The nice thing is that you don't necessarily need to see a specialist right off the bat, your regular doctor can diagnose and prescribe medication (if that's necessary) to help.
The way it usually goes is that you screw up the courage the talk about it with your regular doc, a therapist, a psychologist, or a psychiatrist. You'll frame it like you're not really even sure there is a problem. Then they're going to start asking you questions about your symptoms. The way these questions are phrased will make it obvious that they know what's going on and you'll start to think, "Holy shit, they get it. They understand what this feels like so maybe they can help."
It's hard, there will likely be tears. But I cannot overstate the sense of relief that you'll likely feel after just that appointment. It is so much easier than you think it will be and you'll feel so much better after, even though it's only a first step.
posted by VTX at 7:36 AM on May 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
Yep, you're describing depression. You can describe to me all day that ways that you don't think you exhibit symptoms of depression but you're just describing how your individual flavor of depression is both different and similar to everyone else's.
Put another way, if you kind of had a cold that wasn't noticeable a lot of the time, sometimes got bad, and sometimes turned into pneumonia, and you've had this same cold off and on for YEARS, everyone would be telling you that you need to see a doctor. Just describing those symptoms out loud makes it obvious that you'd need professional help right? Mental illness isn't really that different. You're sick, not often super sick, but sick enough that you need to talk to a doctor about it.
The nice thing is that you don't necessarily need to see a specialist right off the bat, your regular doctor can diagnose and prescribe medication (if that's necessary) to help.
The way it usually goes is that you screw up the courage the talk about it with your regular doc, a therapist, a psychologist, or a psychiatrist. You'll frame it like you're not really even sure there is a problem. Then they're going to start asking you questions about your symptoms. The way these questions are phrased will make it obvious that they know what's going on and you'll start to think, "Holy shit, they get it. They understand what this feels like so maybe they can help."
It's hard, there will likely be tears. But I cannot overstate the sense of relief that you'll likely feel after just that appointment. It is so much easier than you think it will be and you'll feel so much better after, even though it's only a first step.
posted by VTX at 7:36 AM on May 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
Oh hell. This was me. I graduated a few weeks ago.... by the skin of my teeth. Anxiety crippled me. I thought people would discover I was a fool and so procrastinated committing anything to paper so I couldn't be discovered. I read like anything. Did all the work. Prepped like a demon. But I became paralysed, inert, and incredibly teary every time a deadline approached.
If my husband hadn't literally held my hand till midnight I would not have been able to submit my final project and would have had to re-enrol. This is to say, that I am old, and I still have this problem. I wish I had sorted out my anxiety earlier in my life because all the nonsense I say to myself in times like that, is really unhelpful. I let perfection become the enemy of the good... and that's just self sabotage. I am not even going to consider a PhD until I am in a better head space. Or ever. It would just be a vanity one anyway. I think.
Any hoo, I send you big hugs. I feel your pain. Please get help. Don't be me! Whatever you do, don't be me.
posted by taff at 7:44 AM on May 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
If my husband hadn't literally held my hand till midnight I would not have been able to submit my final project and would have had to re-enrol. This is to say, that I am old, and I still have this problem. I wish I had sorted out my anxiety earlier in my life because all the nonsense I say to myself in times like that, is really unhelpful. I let perfection become the enemy of the good... and that's just self sabotage. I am not even going to consider a PhD until I am in a better head space. Or ever. It would just be a vanity one anyway. I think.
Any hoo, I send you big hugs. I feel your pain. Please get help. Don't be me! Whatever you do, don't be me.
posted by taff at 7:44 AM on May 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
I had this problem as an undergraduate. I knew I was depressed, but I didn't realize at the time, or for many years after, that I was partly depressed because I was afraid of graduating and having to figure out what to do next. (English major lament) I came to understand this when many years later, in grad school, I started papers on the day they were assigned. In grad school, I had a) spent years in therapy already and b) was studying a practical subject that would lead to a job I wanted. This may not be your situation, but it's something worth considering. I'd also nth getting a good therapist who can help you now, and as you transition into not being in school, which has its own stressors. Good luck!
posted by pangolin party at 7:51 AM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by pangolin party at 7:51 AM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
100% relate. See if there aren't any skills you might be missing that a learning support person could help you acquire (e.g. essay planning).
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:51 AM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:51 AM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
"Really depressed" is not the general day-to-day expression of the disease. Like, it's not walking around crying. It's an inability to follow through, lack of confidence and commitment, undervaluing things if they're applied to you versus someone else. The shame and embarrassment (and that thing where you consider suicide or inventing a wild cascade of excuses to not do things) are symptoms, it's kind of a mechanism the disease uses to keep you from treating it.
Combined with anxiety, it's also doing things like saying "oh yeah and I skip finals" like that's a thing. That's not a thing, that's "non-functional". That is inability to perform basic self-promoting life tasks.
It sucks to get into your 30s and realize you've lost a decade or more to this. It is treatable. You will probably need to take medication for a while. This is not a huge deal, many of your peers are quietly doing it already, it'll let you get out of your own way long enough to build up some coping skills. You'll be stunned how much different and EASY things will be when you've got that under control.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:53 AM on May 8, 2017 [12 favorites]
Combined with anxiety, it's also doing things like saying "oh yeah and I skip finals" like that's a thing. That's not a thing, that's "non-functional". That is inability to perform basic self-promoting life tasks.
It sucks to get into your 30s and realize you've lost a decade or more to this. It is treatable. You will probably need to take medication for a while. This is not a huge deal, many of your peers are quietly doing it already, it'll let you get out of your own way long enough to build up some coping skills. You'll be stunned how much different and EASY things will be when you've got that under control.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:53 AM on May 8, 2017 [12 favorites]
Attention Deficit Disorder is worth assessing. Mine was diagnosed as an adult, and I have been on medication at times, but coffee is a reasonable self-medication for me. Just knowing that it's an issue has helped me manage it.
I have depression and anxiety. The depression lifts, but the anxiety is pretty constant. I have lots of coping strategies, and SSR meds are a must for me.
Part of getting diagnosed and seeing therapists is that you can understand that you have a condition, and you can understand that you're probably doing really well coping with this shit. Assess yourself for your successes, celebrate them and keep them in mind.
This is really hard, and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it.
posted by theora55 at 8:02 AM on May 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
I have depression and anxiety. The depression lifts, but the anxiety is pretty constant. I have lots of coping strategies, and SSR meds are a must for me.
Part of getting diagnosed and seeing therapists is that you can understand that you have a condition, and you can understand that you're probably doing really well coping with this shit. Assess yourself for your successes, celebrate them and keep them in mind.
This is really hard, and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it.
posted by theora55 at 8:02 AM on May 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Oh man. This was my partner in college, absolutely. You've already gotten a lot of good advice, so I'm just going to add a few thoughts I haven't seen addressed yet.
First, the difference between depression and laziness is lazy people are content to be lazy, depressed people are not. You are unhappy about your so-called "laziness" and you want to change it. That in and of itself is an indication that this isn't laziness. It's depression. Depression makes you not want to do anything, and that's not laziness. Lazy people can still do things they want to do, they still care about things, they do more than lay around in bed all day.
My partner struggled with this. A lot. They were firmly convinced that they were just a lazy piece of shit. That's something else depression does to you--convinces you it's your fault, that you're just a failure, that you have no one to blame for yourself. But that's not true. Sure, personal responsibility, take ownership of your life, blah blah. The thing is, depression makes that infinitely harder because it tells you both that everything wrong in your life is your fault, AND that you shouldn't try and do anything about it because what's the point? That's why it's so insidious. That's why you need outside help.
Second, all of the depressed people I know get to their jobs fine and laugh and smile with their friends. My partner has never missed a day of work. While a lot of people miss work because of their depression, a lot of people don't. I think it's more common in jobs--like retail or restaurants--where you can do a lot of "going through the motions" and don't have to put in excessive brain energy (such as you do when writing an energy). And as for the laughing and smiling thing... yeah. Depressed people aren't incapable of positive emotions. It's just that more often they experience either negative emotions or no emotions at all. But the depressed people I know have great senses of humor. I kind of think of it as a defense; for a lot of them, it's kind of like, "Well, nothing matters and I wanna die, so why not laugh at this stupid cat picture."
Third, while group therapy is a great first step, it's not the first line of defense against depression. You really need to see someone one-on-one. Individual counseling is vastly different from group counseling, and could really benefit you. That said, therapy takes a long time. Usually years. And I think what you need to focus on is finishing that degree, because college can make depression exponentially worse. I think you will do better when you're done with college, but I don't think you should give up.
That's why I'm going to strongly suggest you talk to a doctor about medication. It's not for everyone, and I understand if you have reservations. But antidepressants saved my partner's college career. It's not a cure. It's not going to make your depression disappear. But for my partner, it made things so much easier. It made problems just difficult, instead of insurmountable. They're still depressed; they still have "bad brain days," as they call them, but they're less frequent, and less intense, and don't interfere with their day-to-day functioning as much.
Please consider it. Long-term, therapy is a great idea and probably what's best for you. But just to get you through college, consider medication. Even if you have to take a semester off (medication doesn't work instantly, it can take some months to take effect), that's better than wasting all the work and suffering you've gone through already. If nothing else, please talk to a doctor individually about treatment options. It doesn't have to be like this. It can be better. I promise.
posted by brook horse at 8:04 AM on May 8, 2017 [19 favorites]
First, the difference between depression and laziness is lazy people are content to be lazy, depressed people are not. You are unhappy about your so-called "laziness" and you want to change it. That in and of itself is an indication that this isn't laziness. It's depression. Depression makes you not want to do anything, and that's not laziness. Lazy people can still do things they want to do, they still care about things, they do more than lay around in bed all day.
My partner struggled with this. A lot. They were firmly convinced that they were just a lazy piece of shit. That's something else depression does to you--convinces you it's your fault, that you're just a failure, that you have no one to blame for yourself. But that's not true. Sure, personal responsibility, take ownership of your life, blah blah. The thing is, depression makes that infinitely harder because it tells you both that everything wrong in your life is your fault, AND that you shouldn't try and do anything about it because what's the point? That's why it's so insidious. That's why you need outside help.
Second, all of the depressed people I know get to their jobs fine and laugh and smile with their friends. My partner has never missed a day of work. While a lot of people miss work because of their depression, a lot of people don't. I think it's more common in jobs--like retail or restaurants--where you can do a lot of "going through the motions" and don't have to put in excessive brain energy (such as you do when writing an energy). And as for the laughing and smiling thing... yeah. Depressed people aren't incapable of positive emotions. It's just that more often they experience either negative emotions or no emotions at all. But the depressed people I know have great senses of humor. I kind of think of it as a defense; for a lot of them, it's kind of like, "Well, nothing matters and I wanna die, so why not laugh at this stupid cat picture."
Third, while group therapy is a great first step, it's not the first line of defense against depression. You really need to see someone one-on-one. Individual counseling is vastly different from group counseling, and could really benefit you. That said, therapy takes a long time. Usually years. And I think what you need to focus on is finishing that degree, because college can make depression exponentially worse. I think you will do better when you're done with college, but I don't think you should give up.
That's why I'm going to strongly suggest you talk to a doctor about medication. It's not for everyone, and I understand if you have reservations. But antidepressants saved my partner's college career. It's not a cure. It's not going to make your depression disappear. But for my partner, it made things so much easier. It made problems just difficult, instead of insurmountable. They're still depressed; they still have "bad brain days," as they call them, but they're less frequent, and less intense, and don't interfere with their day-to-day functioning as much.
Please consider it. Long-term, therapy is a great idea and probably what's best for you. But just to get you through college, consider medication. Even if you have to take a semester off (medication doesn't work instantly, it can take some months to take effect), that's better than wasting all the work and suffering you've gone through already. If nothing else, please talk to a doctor individually about treatment options. It doesn't have to be like this. It can be better. I promise.
posted by brook horse at 8:04 AM on May 8, 2017 [19 favorites]
Procrastination is almost always a coping mechanism for anxiety rather than a hallmark of laziness
Not sure if this would work for you, but I found sitting down and writing assignments to be torturous, but I was able to talk about assignments. I eventually bought some talk to type software and it helped soooo much with just getting assignments started. Yeah those papers could have been better but being able to get something on the page to turn in on time was enormously helpful. Rather than wasting hours fretting and procrastinating and feeling awful I could sort of freewheel my ideas for 15-20 minutes out loud and at least have something to turn in.
The Dragon software I used was about $40 and worked great for me.
https://www.amazon.com/Dragon-NaturallySpeaking-Home-13-0-English/dp/B00LX4BZAQ
posted by forkisbetter at 8:13 AM on May 8, 2017 [7 favorites]
Not sure if this would work for you, but I found sitting down and writing assignments to be torturous, but I was able to talk about assignments. I eventually bought some talk to type software and it helped soooo much with just getting assignments started. Yeah those papers could have been better but being able to get something on the page to turn in on time was enormously helpful. Rather than wasting hours fretting and procrastinating and feeling awful I could sort of freewheel my ideas for 15-20 minutes out loud and at least have something to turn in.
The Dragon software I used was about $40 and worked great for me.
https://www.amazon.com/Dragon-NaturallySpeaking-Home-13-0-English/dp/B00LX4BZAQ
posted by forkisbetter at 8:13 AM on May 8, 2017 [7 favorites]
You've got a lot of great advice here. It's a bit of a cliche that every AskMefi question is answered with "Therapy," but this is one of the more clear cut cases. While there is no one way depression manifests and diagnosing over the internet is impossible, what you are describing sounds like depression to me.
I should say that I come at this from the other side; I am a college professor. I have had a number of students who have gone through things like what it seems that you are going through. Overall, I don't feel annoyed or frustrated with them; I just feel like I am unable to fully do my job because of their illness. Depression and other mental health issues routinely get in the way of strong students doing their best work. The students who have gotten help (either by taking a term off or getting therapy while in school) end up in a better place. College is hard. If you're not able to fully devote yourself to it because of an illness, it's even harder.
posted by Betelgeuse at 8:14 AM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
I should say that I come at this from the other side; I am a college professor. I have had a number of students who have gone through things like what it seems that you are going through. Overall, I don't feel annoyed or frustrated with them; I just feel like I am unable to fully do my job because of their illness. Depression and other mental health issues routinely get in the way of strong students doing their best work. The students who have gotten help (either by taking a term off or getting therapy while in school) end up in a better place. College is hard. If you're not able to fully devote yourself to it because of an illness, it's even harder.
posted by Betelgeuse at 8:14 AM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
A couple of thoughts: School work is boring, and getting a degree is a slog. Everyone procrastinates to some degree, but this being your last class I wish you could just push through!! But the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't exist if you're depressed, I don't think.
Second - if you know getting a job is going to be a pain in the ass, this is probably not helping your motivation to finish school.
Nthing therapy. Good luck.
posted by getawaysticks at 8:18 AM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Second - if you know getting a job is going to be a pain in the ass, this is probably not helping your motivation to finish school.
Nthing therapy. Good luck.
posted by getawaysticks at 8:18 AM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I am basically you. Here are my thoughts:
Having people tell me that "oh, you have depression" was not helpful. Because every time I looked up the symptoms for depression, or examples of people with depression, they always had symptoms I didn't have: trouble eating and sleeping at the very least. So I ended up feeling like I was "faking" mental illness for sympathy or whatever, and I didn't "deserve" to try and get help because I didn't really have mental illness.
So: if that is you, and you're not sure whether or not you have it, here's a secret: a lot of the advice that they give to people with depression is useful generally. Your college counseling office isn't a Depression Treatment Center, it's a counseling office, they are trained to help with issues as anodyne as procrastination.
I'm still not sure if I have depression or anxiety, although I've been diagnosed with both. I still can't get past the thought that I am "fooling" my therapist. The best way to deal with that thought has been to tell myself that my problems are still bad enough that I deserve help, regardless of whether or not they're accurately labeled, and going to therapy has been helping. It's not a zero-sum game, unless your counseling office is truly overloaded you going to therapy isn't preventing someone else from going, and even in that case that's your counseling office's fault, not yours.
Okay, so as everyone is saying: go to a therapy session. Here's my advice for that:
Try more than once. The first time I went to therapy, my freshman year, I had a counselor who with the benefit of hindsight I realize was terrible. I read the book Feeling Good years later and all the times Burns dismissively talks about "bad" therapists I recognize that first therapist. But I didn't know that at the time, instead the session basically confirmed my thoughts that I was "faking" mental illness and I assumed that was the reason it didn't help. I didn't try again until years later. Don't wait that long.
Come in with a clear idea of what you want to work on. The question you just posted is a good start! Here's what I did: I typed up three and a half single-space pages that basically summarized how college had gone for me. I described the major problems I wanted to work on and what, as near enough as I could figure out, were their causes, and then handed the essay to my therapist the first session. She read it out loud to me, and we discussed it. You don't have to go to that extreme, of course, but it's best to come with some sense of direction instead of what I did my first time, which was basically expect the therapist to do all the hard work of figuring out what was going on with me and what I needed.
Read Feeling Good. Regardless of whether you have depression, this is an excellent book. The chapter on Do-Nothingism will be particularly useful to you, I think. Another chapter that was helpful to me was on perfectionism: with the help of my therapist, I realized that a lot of my low performance and procrastination was, counter-intuitively, the result of perfectionism.
Finally, if you want, MeMail me. I am not "cured" of any of the above problems by any stretch, but I think talking to someone else that is in your same position and understands what you're going through might help regardless.
Good luck!
posted by perplexion at 8:20 AM on May 8, 2017 [17 favorites]
Having people tell me that "oh, you have depression" was not helpful. Because every time I looked up the symptoms for depression, or examples of people with depression, they always had symptoms I didn't have: trouble eating and sleeping at the very least. So I ended up feeling like I was "faking" mental illness for sympathy or whatever, and I didn't "deserve" to try and get help because I didn't really have mental illness.
So: if that is you, and you're not sure whether or not you have it, here's a secret: a lot of the advice that they give to people with depression is useful generally. Your college counseling office isn't a Depression Treatment Center, it's a counseling office, they are trained to help with issues as anodyne as procrastination.
I'm still not sure if I have depression or anxiety, although I've been diagnosed with both. I still can't get past the thought that I am "fooling" my therapist. The best way to deal with that thought has been to tell myself that my problems are still bad enough that I deserve help, regardless of whether or not they're accurately labeled, and going to therapy has been helping. It's not a zero-sum game, unless your counseling office is truly overloaded you going to therapy isn't preventing someone else from going, and even in that case that's your counseling office's fault, not yours.
Okay, so as everyone is saying: go to a therapy session. Here's my advice for that:
Try more than once. The first time I went to therapy, my freshman year, I had a counselor who with the benefit of hindsight I realize was terrible. I read the book Feeling Good years later and all the times Burns dismissively talks about "bad" therapists I recognize that first therapist. But I didn't know that at the time, instead the session basically confirmed my thoughts that I was "faking" mental illness and I assumed that was the reason it didn't help. I didn't try again until years later. Don't wait that long.
Come in with a clear idea of what you want to work on. The question you just posted is a good start! Here's what I did: I typed up three and a half single-space pages that basically summarized how college had gone for me. I described the major problems I wanted to work on and what, as near enough as I could figure out, were their causes, and then handed the essay to my therapist the first session. She read it out loud to me, and we discussed it. You don't have to go to that extreme, of course, but it's best to come with some sense of direction instead of what I did my first time, which was basically expect the therapist to do all the hard work of figuring out what was going on with me and what I needed.
Read Feeling Good. Regardless of whether you have depression, this is an excellent book. The chapter on Do-Nothingism will be particularly useful to you, I think. Another chapter that was helpful to me was on perfectionism: with the help of my therapist, I realized that a lot of my low performance and procrastination was, counter-intuitively, the result of perfectionism.
Finally, if you want, MeMail me. I am not "cured" of any of the above problems by any stretch, but I think talking to someone else that is in your same position and understands what you're going through might help regardless.
Good luck!
posted by perplexion at 8:20 AM on May 8, 2017 [17 favorites]
I know everyone is saying therapy, etc. But that's a long term prospect for improving things (and you should do it!)
Let's just focus on your situation right now. If the problem is only this one class, have you considered just dropping it and taking a break? Maybe work for a bit, or travel (if you have money?). Sometimes people, with depression or not, just burn out. Maybe you need a change of scenery.
My advice would be different if you're a habitual class-dropper and this is your third time taking it, but if this is your first time and you basically Just Can't Even right now. Maybe just take a break and try again in a couple of semesters.
posted by empath at 8:28 AM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Let's just focus on your situation right now. If the problem is only this one class, have you considered just dropping it and taking a break? Maybe work for a bit, or travel (if you have money?). Sometimes people, with depression or not, just burn out. Maybe you need a change of scenery.
My advice would be different if you're a habitual class-dropper and this is your third time taking it, but if this is your first time and you basically Just Can't Even right now. Maybe just take a break and try again in a couple of semesters.
posted by empath at 8:28 AM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
You do this because you are a human being. All human beings procrastinate on some things at some times. Please note -- I am a professional organizer and productivity consultant -- it's my job to help clients in these very situations, and yet it does not keep me from procrastinating. (I'm very good at my job in helping others over the hump, but in April, I finally did something that was relatively easy but somehow I could not bring myself to do it from January to April.)
To give you some insight into yourself, I encourage you to watch this TED Talk by Tim Urban called Inside the Mind of a Master Procrastinator. It's only 14 minutes long, insightful, and very funny. A little over a week ago, at a conference for professional organizers, about 50 of us watched this talk and discussed our clients', and our own, struggles with procrastination.
Knowing what we should do (exercise, eat healthily, chip away at projects a little bit at a time by putting our butts in the chairs) does not mean we will do it. But there's nothing wrong with you -- you are a human being and not a robot. You need to amass the right skills, and have the right support (from an accountability buddy to a good therapist to handle your anxiety), but there is NOTHING wrong with you for procrastinating. Even the depression is something wrong "in" you -- not a failing "of" you. (Now, don't procrastinate on watching the video -- laughing will make you feel better!)
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 8:32 AM on May 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
To give you some insight into yourself, I encourage you to watch this TED Talk by Tim Urban called Inside the Mind of a Master Procrastinator. It's only 14 minutes long, insightful, and very funny. A little over a week ago, at a conference for professional organizers, about 50 of us watched this talk and discussed our clients', and our own, struggles with procrastination.
Knowing what we should do (exercise, eat healthily, chip away at projects a little bit at a time by putting our butts in the chairs) does not mean we will do it. But there's nothing wrong with you -- you are a human being and not a robot. You need to amass the right skills, and have the right support (from an accountability buddy to a good therapist to handle your anxiety), but there is NOTHING wrong with you for procrastinating. Even the depression is something wrong "in" you -- not a failing "of" you. (Now, don't procrastinate on watching the video -- laughing will make you feel better!)
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 8:32 AM on May 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
I had definite problems with depression and anxiety in college, although undiagnosed and largely untreated, but the solution was to be more busy. Having a regular schedule made me realize that if a block of time was set aside to do work for a certain class, then it was a requirement just as much as showing up for work during those hours was.
Even then, it was easy to blow off. The one thing that really helped was blocking time every week with a classmate to do that week's/day's homework. Part of it was puzzling it out together, but the main benefit was having a set time to work on things and someone there doing the same task, keeping me aligned with what I was doing.
posted by mikeh at 9:09 AM on May 8, 2017
Even then, it was easy to blow off. The one thing that really helped was blocking time every week with a classmate to do that week's/day's homework. Part of it was puzzling it out together, but the main benefit was having a set time to work on things and someone there doing the same task, keeping me aligned with what I was doing.
posted by mikeh at 9:09 AM on May 8, 2017
Best answer: Having looked at your previous 9 questions, in all but one you literally ask, "What's wrong with me?" You need to take a step back and get help for the forest here, not the trees. This isn't about procrastination; this is much larger and I think you need someone to point that out.
To say this kindly and delicately, I think asking this particular question is similar to putting out a flame on a stove without noticing that the entire house is on fire.
Until you really dedicate yourself to getting quality therapy, my concern is you're going to keep finding things that you think are wrong with you and you will continue to ask how to fix those things.
All of your questions have serious issues to do with your self-esteem, and I really hope you get competent help. Not group therapy, but intensive support.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 9:20 AM on May 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
To say this kindly and delicately, I think asking this particular question is similar to putting out a flame on a stove without noticing that the entire house is on fire.
Until you really dedicate yourself to getting quality therapy, my concern is you're going to keep finding things that you think are wrong with you and you will continue to ask how to fix those things.
All of your questions have serious issues to do with your self-esteem, and I really hope you get competent help. Not group therapy, but intensive support.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 9:20 AM on May 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
Just a quick one regarding you seeing yourself as "not depressed, just lazy".
It struck me reading this, that I have two older friends who are almost certainly starting to go deaf, but when I've gently mentioned it (don't judge me, for good reasons!) they've laughed it off as their being just "too lazy" to listen properly to what's going on around them (these two similar conversations happened independently, they don't know each other).
I know another person who certainly has dyslexia, and when this was mentioned to them, claimed they were just "too lazy" to spell properly. They make quite significant mistakes in important communications which they find a bit mortifying when pointed out, so this is pretty obviously not the case.
I feel like I'm sounding like a bit of a dick here so let me make my point - sometimes it's easier to dismiss problems as laziness if you feel silly or sad about asking for help with them. Don't feel silly, don't feel sad. Ask for help - there is tons of it out there; your whole life and everything you do will look and feel different to you when you don't have depression stopping you from moving forward.
posted by greenish at 9:20 AM on May 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
It struck me reading this, that I have two older friends who are almost certainly starting to go deaf, but when I've gently mentioned it (don't judge me, for good reasons!) they've laughed it off as their being just "too lazy" to listen properly to what's going on around them (these two similar conversations happened independently, they don't know each other).
I know another person who certainly has dyslexia, and when this was mentioned to them, claimed they were just "too lazy" to spell properly. They make quite significant mistakes in important communications which they find a bit mortifying when pointed out, so this is pretty obviously not the case.
I feel like I'm sounding like a bit of a dick here so let me make my point - sometimes it's easier to dismiss problems as laziness if you feel silly or sad about asking for help with them. Don't feel silly, don't feel sad. Ask for help - there is tons of it out there; your whole life and everything you do will look and feel different to you when you don't have depression stopping you from moving forward.
posted by greenish at 9:20 AM on May 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
A few super quick thoughts:
- A lot of people who get belatedly diagnosed with ADHD report "all my life until now, I just thought I was lazy!"
- One way to think about laziness is that there are actually two parts to the equation: how hard something is for you, and how much willpower you bring to it. Maybe it's not that you lack willpower; maybe it's that things are harder.
- Anxiety ("oh god, I can't work on this, it'll probably suck no matter what") is totally consistent with functioning at a job. (It might only start showing up if you got a job you really, really didn't want to screw up.) My procrastination was totally anxiety.
posted by salvia at 9:27 AM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
- A lot of people who get belatedly diagnosed with ADHD report "all my life until now, I just thought I was lazy!"
- One way to think about laziness is that there are actually two parts to the equation: how hard something is for you, and how much willpower you bring to it. Maybe it's not that you lack willpower; maybe it's that things are harder.
- Anxiety ("oh god, I can't work on this, it'll probably suck no matter what") is totally consistent with functioning at a job. (It might only start showing up if you got a job you really, really didn't want to screw up.) My procrastination was totally anxiety.
posted by salvia at 9:27 AM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
You need to amass the right skills
This is another point that I try to make in particular to new adults: everyone tends to act like life skills, coping skills, study skills, work skills are inherent. Like everyone just knows how to do this stuff and it's ONLY you who doesn't, and that will seem true because that person over there is really good at doing papers and this person here is working a full-time job while going to school and the person next door never loses their keys.
But they all had to learn that stuff, and it might have been because they got some really great leadership coaching in junior high and it might be because they had to keep themselves alive at a young age - you'll never know, for most of them - but it wasn't magic. It's all acquired skill, and it all came from somewhere, and when you're a kid it's often programs created by experts and when you're an adult you don't necessarily have access to that exact same thing (when you're in college you actually might, you'll just have to go find out if your school has one of those departments called Student Life or Student Development or whatever it might be called these days) and you have to go obtain an expert yourself.
If you want a private taste first of what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is like, you can first do The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook or The Anxiety and Worry Workbook. CBT is basically about learning skills and techniques for managing these defeating thoughts and fear of discomfort or judgement that really is what anxiety is. Maybe the workbook would make you feel more confident about talking to a trained expert (and you can take the workbook with you and talk about it).
posted by Lyn Never at 9:37 AM on May 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
This is another point that I try to make in particular to new adults: everyone tends to act like life skills, coping skills, study skills, work skills are inherent. Like everyone just knows how to do this stuff and it's ONLY you who doesn't, and that will seem true because that person over there is really good at doing papers and this person here is working a full-time job while going to school and the person next door never loses their keys.
But they all had to learn that stuff, and it might have been because they got some really great leadership coaching in junior high and it might be because they had to keep themselves alive at a young age - you'll never know, for most of them - but it wasn't magic. It's all acquired skill, and it all came from somewhere, and when you're a kid it's often programs created by experts and when you're an adult you don't necessarily have access to that exact same thing (when you're in college you actually might, you'll just have to go find out if your school has one of those departments called Student Life or Student Development or whatever it might be called these days) and you have to go obtain an expert yourself.
If you want a private taste first of what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is like, you can first do The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook or The Anxiety and Worry Workbook. CBT is basically about learning skills and techniques for managing these defeating thoughts and fear of discomfort or judgement that really is what anxiety is. Maybe the workbook would make you feel more confident about talking to a trained expert (and you can take the workbook with you and talk about it).
posted by Lyn Never at 9:37 AM on May 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
Even while I was in high school, I would have suicidal thoughts while I was writing an essay. I don't know why everything overwhelms me sometimes.
I felt this way when my anxiety spirals up. Getting on the right anti-anxiety med was key for me.
Also, definitely talk to your Profs and/or Disability Services about this. You're being hampered by an illness. Then go to a doc, as anxiety and depression can be treated.
posted by spinifex23 at 10:15 AM on May 8, 2017
I felt this way when my anxiety spirals up. Getting on the right anti-anxiety med was key for me.
Also, definitely talk to your Profs and/or Disability Services about this. You're being hampered by an illness. Then go to a doc, as anxiety and depression can be treated.
posted by spinifex23 at 10:15 AM on May 8, 2017
I'm you 30 years later, though my particular hang-up isn't essay writing. For me it's other stuff.
First, let me convince you I'm really you, by observing that the thing you won't do isn't really a huge problem. It's the non-doing of the thing you won't do that REALLY paralyzes, right? As the non-doing festers, THAT'S the horrifying part. And whenever you actually make yourself write an essay, your inevitable startling observation is that it's not actually so bad. You could easily have done it all along.
Have I described the situation correctly? If so, keep reading. If not, maybe the following will be helpful for others more in my boat.
It took me time to understand that it has to do with deep dread. Any given action can be linked to deep dread in your subconscious. It's all outside your immediate awareness, hence your "I just don't understand why I behave this way!" At some point, the amorphous unquantifiable big ball of fear deep in your gut has identified itself with this one activity. And while essay-writing doesn't TERRIFY you (again, it's not actually SO bad), it's just enough to make you want to do other tasks - ANY other tasks - first. And let this one keep slip-sliding away. And the ensuing paralysis creates a pattern of dread that's completely conscious, because you can easily see the bad results of your inaction. Self-loathing, etc. Meanwhile, to your subconscious, the circle is complete. "See? I knew essay writing was a horror!" Even though essay writing, when you actually do it, isn't that big a thing. The essay-writing is a small problem, but the paralysis is a big problem...and you've subconsciously tied it all together into one glob.
I had a friend who had a thing about mailing letters. She wasn't "afraid", it was no seriously big deal, but it was enough of a small deal that she'd find excuses to do anything else, and her outgoing mail would pile up, bills wouldn't get paid (this was before Internet payment), electricity would be shut off, and she'd sink into a paralysis/depression. Mailing stuff was only a little bit hard, but the creeping paralysis of avoidance was absolute torture to her, and wrecked her life. Which only fed her aversion to mailing stuff.
If I'm describing you correctly, let me reassure you on some counts:
1. You're not lazy. I'm sure you're pretty diligent and hardworking with other stuff. You're not procrastinating because you're shiftless; it's just there's an unconscious aversion which feeds avoidance behavior.
2. Depression isn't making you not do this task. Not doing this task is causing depression (which results from a fixed, narrowed perspective, and there's nothing like a festering, paralyzed task to fix/narrow your focus). Treating the depression is backwards. You need to treat the behavior.
3. Essay writing isn't actually THAT a big deal, as you've noticed. There's just enough aversion to spur light procrastination, which snowballs (and the snowballing - which has nothing to do with essays - is what absolutely terrifies you). Every time things snowball into catastrophe your subconscious concludes that its initial light aversion was correct - after all, look at the horrible outcome! Essay writing is a HORROR! Of course, the problem is in the aversion, not the actual activity. So it's circular, but your subconscious doesn't operate logically. You start recoiling more and more from essay-writing, because it ties you closer and closer to your well of dread.
I've taken the hard route to solving this, myself. Lots of exercise (to build up a sense of strength and indomitability), lots of meditation (to build up a sense of deep equanimity). If I keep up both, then I'm fine.
Also, I apply some judo to my hypersensitivity to this. As soon as I notice myself lightly procrastinating some task which, for no logical reason, spurs a bit of dread, I JUMP ON THE TASK. I'm not saying I don't ever procrastinate anything. But I only let myself procrastinate tasks where I'm being an ordinary slack-ass - where I know it won't snowball (and I recognize I'm not an inveterate procrastinator....my tendency for paralysis is a whole other thing).
In fact, I allow myself a bit MORE procrastination than I ordinarily would with non-snowball-able stuff, just as a release valve. But whenever I have task A, task B, and task C, and I find myself resisting one of them, I push over that small speedbump, way before it turns into paralysis. Get it early, before it builds up.
If I could start over, I'd definitely hit a behavioral psychologist. They're really good at these sorts of tightly-delineated "why do I have this reaction?" issues. There are ways you can train yourself. But I suspect the judo I described in the last paragraph might be pretty similar to what they'd suggest, however.
Feel free to IM if you have follow-up questions.
posted by Quisp Lover at 10:26 AM on May 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
First, let me convince you I'm really you, by observing that the thing you won't do isn't really a huge problem. It's the non-doing of the thing you won't do that REALLY paralyzes, right? As the non-doing festers, THAT'S the horrifying part. And whenever you actually make yourself write an essay, your inevitable startling observation is that it's not actually so bad. You could easily have done it all along.
Have I described the situation correctly? If so, keep reading. If not, maybe the following will be helpful for others more in my boat.
It took me time to understand that it has to do with deep dread. Any given action can be linked to deep dread in your subconscious. It's all outside your immediate awareness, hence your "I just don't understand why I behave this way!" At some point, the amorphous unquantifiable big ball of fear deep in your gut has identified itself with this one activity. And while essay-writing doesn't TERRIFY you (again, it's not actually SO bad), it's just enough to make you want to do other tasks - ANY other tasks - first. And let this one keep slip-sliding away. And the ensuing paralysis creates a pattern of dread that's completely conscious, because you can easily see the bad results of your inaction. Self-loathing, etc. Meanwhile, to your subconscious, the circle is complete. "See? I knew essay writing was a horror!" Even though essay writing, when you actually do it, isn't that big a thing. The essay-writing is a small problem, but the paralysis is a big problem...and you've subconsciously tied it all together into one glob.
I had a friend who had a thing about mailing letters. She wasn't "afraid", it was no seriously big deal, but it was enough of a small deal that she'd find excuses to do anything else, and her outgoing mail would pile up, bills wouldn't get paid (this was before Internet payment), electricity would be shut off, and she'd sink into a paralysis/depression. Mailing stuff was only a little bit hard, but the creeping paralysis of avoidance was absolute torture to her, and wrecked her life. Which only fed her aversion to mailing stuff.
If I'm describing you correctly, let me reassure you on some counts:
1. You're not lazy. I'm sure you're pretty diligent and hardworking with other stuff. You're not procrastinating because you're shiftless; it's just there's an unconscious aversion which feeds avoidance behavior.
2. Depression isn't making you not do this task. Not doing this task is causing depression (which results from a fixed, narrowed perspective, and there's nothing like a festering, paralyzed task to fix/narrow your focus). Treating the depression is backwards. You need to treat the behavior.
3. Essay writing isn't actually THAT a big deal, as you've noticed. There's just enough aversion to spur light procrastination, which snowballs (and the snowballing - which has nothing to do with essays - is what absolutely terrifies you). Every time things snowball into catastrophe your subconscious concludes that its initial light aversion was correct - after all, look at the horrible outcome! Essay writing is a HORROR! Of course, the problem is in the aversion, not the actual activity. So it's circular, but your subconscious doesn't operate logically. You start recoiling more and more from essay-writing, because it ties you closer and closer to your well of dread.
I've taken the hard route to solving this, myself. Lots of exercise (to build up a sense of strength and indomitability), lots of meditation (to build up a sense of deep equanimity). If I keep up both, then I'm fine.
Also, I apply some judo to my hypersensitivity to this. As soon as I notice myself lightly procrastinating some task which, for no logical reason, spurs a bit of dread, I JUMP ON THE TASK. I'm not saying I don't ever procrastinate anything. But I only let myself procrastinate tasks where I'm being an ordinary slack-ass - where I know it won't snowball (and I recognize I'm not an inveterate procrastinator....my tendency for paralysis is a whole other thing).
In fact, I allow myself a bit MORE procrastination than I ordinarily would with non-snowball-able stuff, just as a release valve. But whenever I have task A, task B, and task C, and I find myself resisting one of them, I push over that small speedbump, way before it turns into paralysis. Get it early, before it builds up.
If I could start over, I'd definitely hit a behavioral psychologist. They're really good at these sorts of tightly-delineated "why do I have this reaction?" issues. There are ways you can train yourself. But I suspect the judo I described in the last paragraph might be pretty similar to what they'd suggest, however.
Feel free to IM if you have follow-up questions.
posted by Quisp Lover at 10:26 AM on May 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
Even while I was in high school, I would have suicidal thoughts while I was writing an essay.
It's pretty common to wait until the last minute to write papers, but I don't think it's particularly common to be in terrible emotional pain when writing. I mean, writer's block is a real thing, but unless you are going to be forced to read your paper to the class, I think it's possible (for me) not to really care if the product is terrific. Cognitive therapy tries to look at what you say to yourself while you write. "I should have started sooner" might be common. Then, if you can, tell your brain like any other interrupting person "shush, you're not helping." But if your inner critic is saying "that sentence is shit; you're stupid; you're shit; you can't do this" that's probably depression. Unless you have ADD so bad that you really can't do it.
I'm sorry to have used the word "normal" so much. But it is very normal for humans and animals to avoid pain. Is there a strategy to make writing less painful for you?
Can you avoid saying "lazy" and try to figure out the difference between "low energy level" (maybe from a long night of fun) and "avoidance" because just thinking about tackling the paper makes you flinch. Lack of energy and focus mostly has a source and the source isn't that you are born crappy and destined to stay crappy. (That's the sucky depression voice talking.) Tired and lazy aren't the same. (And I'm lazy.) Tired could be from anemia or vitamin deficiency or thyroid problems or even adrenal fatigue from anxiety.
posted by puddledork at 10:40 AM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
It's pretty common to wait until the last minute to write papers, but I don't think it's particularly common to be in terrible emotional pain when writing. I mean, writer's block is a real thing, but unless you are going to be forced to read your paper to the class, I think it's possible (for me) not to really care if the product is terrific. Cognitive therapy tries to look at what you say to yourself while you write. "I should have started sooner" might be common. Then, if you can, tell your brain like any other interrupting person "shush, you're not helping." But if your inner critic is saying "that sentence is shit; you're stupid; you're shit; you can't do this" that's probably depression. Unless you have ADD so bad that you really can't do it.
I'm sorry to have used the word "normal" so much. But it is very normal for humans and animals to avoid pain. Is there a strategy to make writing less painful for you?
Can you avoid saying "lazy" and try to figure out the difference between "low energy level" (maybe from a long night of fun) and "avoidance" because just thinking about tackling the paper makes you flinch. Lack of energy and focus mostly has a source and the source isn't that you are born crappy and destined to stay crappy. (That's the sucky depression voice talking.) Tired and lazy aren't the same. (And I'm lazy.) Tired could be from anemia or vitamin deficiency or thyroid problems or even adrenal fatigue from anxiety.
posted by puddledork at 10:40 AM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm the guy from two postings above, with a postscript.
I should note that now, even with LOTS of strength/indomitability and equanimity, and a clear and deep understanding of why I do this, it's still something that happens. There are instances where I forget to do the judo, and a speedbump expands to a paralysis. I've learned to accept this, and avoid self-loathing. I know I'm not lazy, or broken, or neurotic. I know the problem isn't the thing I'm avoiding, the problem is my well of dread. And I work (with meditation and other practices) to unclench from that dread. Every human being's got some. It's part of being alive. Dread is something to manage, not to cure.
Bear in mind that there's a triage station in the mind where we decide what to focus on - what to do right now, and what to de-prioritize. Psychologists have proven that emotions are the prime drivers (remove emotions, and people can't make any decisions; they fall apart). So it's completely normal that emotionally fraught options would be put on hold. Feature, not bug. You're not broken.
Maybe I ought to hit a behavioral psych, after all, just to remove the light vestiges of what was once a crippling problem. But I long ago abandoned the idea that I needed to be perfect and polished. Some non-linearity is fine. I don't beat myself up over it. I let myself cycle through the depression and not-doing, I enjoy the hopeful sunrise when the thing finally gets done (and I've taken my lumps). And I like and respect myself in spite of it all, having had a number of decades to observe that most people are barely functional, in spite of the thin veneer of they build around themselves.
I've also got decades of very hard, dedicated, stoic work under my belt, making it quite clear I'm not a lazy procrastinator (in fact, my normal energy level is quite high). Can this assurance possibly transfer to you, so you don't need to wait decades before you stop beating yourself up?
posted by Quisp Lover at 10:43 AM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
I should note that now, even with LOTS of strength/indomitability and equanimity, and a clear and deep understanding of why I do this, it's still something that happens. There are instances where I forget to do the judo, and a speedbump expands to a paralysis. I've learned to accept this, and avoid self-loathing. I know I'm not lazy, or broken, or neurotic. I know the problem isn't the thing I'm avoiding, the problem is my well of dread. And I work (with meditation and other practices) to unclench from that dread. Every human being's got some. It's part of being alive. Dread is something to manage, not to cure.
Bear in mind that there's a triage station in the mind where we decide what to focus on - what to do right now, and what to de-prioritize. Psychologists have proven that emotions are the prime drivers (remove emotions, and people can't make any decisions; they fall apart). So it's completely normal that emotionally fraught options would be put on hold. Feature, not bug. You're not broken.
Maybe I ought to hit a behavioral psych, after all, just to remove the light vestiges of what was once a crippling problem. But I long ago abandoned the idea that I needed to be perfect and polished. Some non-linearity is fine. I don't beat myself up over it. I let myself cycle through the depression and not-doing, I enjoy the hopeful sunrise when the thing finally gets done (and I've taken my lumps). And I like and respect myself in spite of it all, having had a number of decades to observe that most people are barely functional, in spite of the thin veneer of they build around themselves.
I've also got decades of very hard, dedicated, stoic work under my belt, making it quite clear I'm not a lazy procrastinator (in fact, my normal energy level is quite high). Can this assurance possibly transfer to you, so you don't need to wait decades before you stop beating yourself up?
posted by Quisp Lover at 10:43 AM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
Ok: so, this is me. I have now been diagnosed with ADHD three separate times; that has not stopped me from being secretly convinced that I'm actually lazy and everyone is wrong. You've gotten really good advice about depression and anxiety and how those things are liars, and I won't waste your time rehashing it. Instead, here are the practical solutions I used to push myself over the finish line in college and law school. I've put the rationale for each strategy in small text because I find that study skills work better for me if I don't think too hard about the escape hatches I'm building in for myself.
1. Accountability. You have one class left, right? If you have a best friend, partner, study partner, family member, or similar who you can ask to look at your work, tell them that you will get in touch with them to show them where you're at in one week. If it's a project or essay tell them you'll show them an outline & want edits; if it's an exam, tell them you need them to help quiz you. Make a concrete, real-world (phone or physical meeting) date that you will feel guilty enough about missing. Then go to the meeting. Even if you don't have anything.
Rationale: It may successfully force you to do the first steps of the project. It may successfully force you to do some part of the first steps. Even in the worst case scenario, it will put you in a coffee shop with a person who is prepared to talk about the class with you and who you can bounce ideas off of.
2. Competition. Set up a time that you will be studying with another person (even if they're not in your class or school or whatever--just someone else who has to work) and set up your computer, notebook, whatever so they can see what you're doing. Then work for a unit of time that works for you when you're in flow--thirty minutes, one hour, two hours. At the end of that time, no matter how little you've done, stop and go get ice cream.
This is not at all a foolproof secret hack code to me actually doing what I have to do, but it is way harder to cheat and start browsing twitter if other people can see you doing it, and this is all about creating friction so it's harder to do the comfortable thing than the hard thing. Also, this may force you to shower and put on clothes, if that's a problem you're at.
3. Chunking. You have a project that you cannot get started on, and the fact that you have not done it makes you want to be dead. Sit down and break it into small tasks. So cleaning your room, for example, turns into: (1) make bed (2) take clean laundry out of pile and shove in drawers (3) put dirty laundry into hamper (4) put hamper in corner (5) open windows and sort of brush the dust out of them (6) clear off one surface by turning another surface into piles, etc. Then do one thing. When you are done, if you feel good about keeping going, keep going--but only plan to do one thing at a time. If it's a paper, you might break it down to (1) read and annotate one chapter (2) come up with a title (3) outline one paragraph (4) write thesis sentences, or similar. Just one thing at a time.
Wanting to die because you can't complete a task is like my single biggest hell symptom, so... I feel you a lot. And this advice feels impracticable most of the time, because I know I will just stop after the first thing. But somehow by stumbling from tiny thing to tiny thing I do usually make it through to the end. And so do you. Look: here you are! You're here. Do the next thing that's in front of you. That's all you ever have to do.
4. Extensions. You have one more class. You are having a horrible time. If you have not yet, ask for an extension, and then act like you did not get the extension. It is big and painful and scary to send this email, but my experience has been that professors are more understanding than one might think. Even if yours is not, it is worth trying. Either way, though, pretend you didn't get the extension. That way if you're late based on the normal deadline (fervently acting as if it applies) you have an ok chance to still be on time for the deadline that applies to you.
5. It's okay. Not a study skill. But hey: this fucking sucks, and you are in a lot of pain. It really doesn't matter whether you're a Lazy Person or you have ADHD or you have Depression and Anxiety or you have undiagnosed mono so you can't concentrate or whatever is happening--you are in a lot of pain, and you don't deserve to be in a lot of pain, and no one wants you to be in a lot of pain. If you fuck up here, it feels like you have fucked up everything, and it can, at least from my point of view, feel even WORSE if you fuck up the getting-help part--because yay that's another thing you did wrong.
Your one and only job right now is to finish out this year so that you can find your way to a life that is sustainable and good for you. I don't know you but I am rooting so, so hard for you to make it there. But even if you don't--if college takes another year, if you never finish, if your life takes a completely different turn--that doesn't mean you are someone undeserving of love and attention. People who make mistakes are also deserving people. I hope you can come to a place where that feels real to you.
posted by peppercorn at 12:39 PM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
1. Accountability. You have one class left, right? If you have a best friend, partner, study partner, family member, or similar who you can ask to look at your work, tell them that you will get in touch with them to show them where you're at in one week. If it's a project or essay tell them you'll show them an outline & want edits; if it's an exam, tell them you need them to help quiz you. Make a concrete, real-world (phone or physical meeting) date that you will feel guilty enough about missing. Then go to the meeting. Even if you don't have anything.
Rationale: It may successfully force you to do the first steps of the project. It may successfully force you to do some part of the first steps. Even in the worst case scenario, it will put you in a coffee shop with a person who is prepared to talk about the class with you and who you can bounce ideas off of.
2. Competition. Set up a time that you will be studying with another person (even if they're not in your class or school or whatever--just someone else who has to work) and set up your computer, notebook, whatever so they can see what you're doing. Then work for a unit of time that works for you when you're in flow--thirty minutes, one hour, two hours. At the end of that time, no matter how little you've done, stop and go get ice cream.
This is not at all a foolproof secret hack code to me actually doing what I have to do, but it is way harder to cheat and start browsing twitter if other people can see you doing it, and this is all about creating friction so it's harder to do the comfortable thing than the hard thing. Also, this may force you to shower and put on clothes, if that's a problem you're at.
3. Chunking. You have a project that you cannot get started on, and the fact that you have not done it makes you want to be dead. Sit down and break it into small tasks. So cleaning your room, for example, turns into: (1) make bed (2) take clean laundry out of pile and shove in drawers (3) put dirty laundry into hamper (4) put hamper in corner (5) open windows and sort of brush the dust out of them (6) clear off one surface by turning another surface into piles, etc. Then do one thing. When you are done, if you feel good about keeping going, keep going--but only plan to do one thing at a time. If it's a paper, you might break it down to (1) read and annotate one chapter (2) come up with a title (3) outline one paragraph (4) write thesis sentences, or similar. Just one thing at a time.
Wanting to die because you can't complete a task is like my single biggest hell symptom, so... I feel you a lot. And this advice feels impracticable most of the time, because I know I will just stop after the first thing. But somehow by stumbling from tiny thing to tiny thing I do usually make it through to the end. And so do you. Look: here you are! You're here. Do the next thing that's in front of you. That's all you ever have to do.
4. Extensions. You have one more class. You are having a horrible time. If you have not yet, ask for an extension, and then act like you did not get the extension. It is big and painful and scary to send this email, but my experience has been that professors are more understanding than one might think. Even if yours is not, it is worth trying. Either way, though, pretend you didn't get the extension. That way if you're late based on the normal deadline (fervently acting as if it applies) you have an ok chance to still be on time for the deadline that applies to you.
5. It's okay. Not a study skill. But hey: this fucking sucks, and you are in a lot of pain. It really doesn't matter whether you're a Lazy Person or you have ADHD or you have Depression and Anxiety or you have undiagnosed mono so you can't concentrate or whatever is happening--you are in a lot of pain, and you don't deserve to be in a lot of pain, and no one wants you to be in a lot of pain. If you fuck up here, it feels like you have fucked up everything, and it can, at least from my point of view, feel even WORSE if you fuck up the getting-help part--because yay that's another thing you did wrong.
Your one and only job right now is to finish out this year so that you can find your way to a life that is sustainable and good for you. I don't know you but I am rooting so, so hard for you to make it there. But even if you don't--if college takes another year, if you never finish, if your life takes a completely different turn--that doesn't mean you are someone undeserving of love and attention. People who make mistakes are also deserving people. I hope you can come to a place where that feels real to you.
posted by peppercorn at 12:39 PM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Chronic procrastination and putting off important tasks until the very last minute are symptoms of ADHD. Please get tested for this as well as seeking treatment for anxiety and depression. It's common for ADHD to go undetected until adulthood when there's no 'H' present because the hyperactivity aspect is what the media tends to focus on and that's often not how it manifests.
Brilliant advice from peppercorn on preview!
posted by MysteriousSympathy at 12:46 PM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Brilliant advice from peppercorn on preview!
posted by MysteriousSympathy at 12:46 PM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Hello! Thank you for this wonderful opportunity to not go on an exercise walk or edit a paper about new peanut cultivars! It came just in time.
I am, among other things, an English teacher. This means I am tasked with forcing terrified people just like yourself to write reams of academic prose every semester. I'm also a person who loves leisure and hates work, above all haaaaaaaaates to write anything when it's for pay, or a grade or some other reward, or to to avoid a punishment, like getting yelled or frowned at for missing a deadline. Hate, loathe, despise, fear, shudder at the thought of. Nevertheless! I am employed and have been for years on end in jobs that feature writing. I have a comfortable first-world existence despite suffering from many (most? all?) of the maladies you name in this and other questions.
Let us not worry about whether you and I are depressed or lazy or just scared to death. Let us rather worry about the unfortunate pejorative whiff with which those qualifiers are so often accompanied. It's very wrong to say "depressed" or "lazy" or "scared" as if any of these were a bad quality in a person! If you're depressed, for the love of God, you're one of the right-thinking among us. Ditto if you're lazy. Lazy people have the right idea. Whodahell wants to do these wretchedwretched jobs? Whodahell would if they could avoid 'em? Scared? Well, of course you are. If you are any or all three of those, it just proves you're a realist, and smart.
Seek services. Go first to the teacher. Look at the syllabus and see when office hours are and show up, or e-mail to set up an appointment. Stomp on in without fear or shame. It is the teacher's job and the teacher will not be surprised to see you, has seen people just like you before. Lay it all out before the teacher, all the times you've tried and failed, how terrible and scary and agonizing it all feels. The teacher will either be just like me and you and will get tears in their eyes and want to put their arms around you and present you with armloads of chocolate candy before helping you set up a schedule to tackle the big jobs, or the teacher will be a TypeA sort who'll recognize a common problem and help you by sending you to the writing lab and counseling and setting up a schedule to tackle the big jobs. It doesn't matter: both types are good. Both types want to help. It is the teacher's job to help you. I like my students that come in on day one writing gorgeously for page upon page with obvious enjoyment and without need of my assistance, but I really love my students who come in on day one hating the idea of paperwriting but leave four months later with more confidence because they've figured out something useful about how to do it. I especially love the ones who come see me. It's my job to help, so when people trust me to try, I get very happy.
I think you need to treat this like a phobia--because I think that's essentially what it is. You might watch the terrible Brit reality show that I watched all available episodes of one time when I was avoiding some work I didn't want to do. It's about a dude who helps people get over their ridiculous fears. People are afraid of fun things like knees or frogs or tall structures in fields. Your fear of academic work is a lot less ridiculous than a fear of knees, frogs, or windmills. Knees, frogs, and windmills are inoffensive things, whereas work sucks limitless ass. Nevertheless, your perfectly reasonable fear will respond just like the unreasonable fear of knees did to gentle, smart care and help from a fellow person. Go get some help for your absolutely understandable human problem with getting yourself to do giant, complex jobs that you don't know how to do.
Okay, sorry, but I couldn't find the phobia show with the knees and the frogs. I did, however, find and watch 30 minutes of an awesome terrible Brit reality show that's like the best of My Strange Addiction plus the best of Hoarders. The sociopathic producers send obsessive compulsive cleaners into old country estates run by hoarders and let them duke it out while somebody plays whimsical tuba riffs. No matter how bad my life gets, at least I'm not a tuba player reduced to endlessly going "rum-pum-pa-tumble-bum" on my tuba while some poor cameraperson does slow pans of uncleaned microwaves and dead mice and the faces of the aghast. This show is perfectly calibrated to keep me from touching a peanut article for the rest of the day. Please know that you have brought great joy and comfort to this highly distractible fellow-sufferer. Now I'm off on that walk I tried to avoid. (I make myself do it in the following way: drink a ton of coffee and seltzer and have a rule that I have to use the bathroom on the sixth floor of the building up the road. Works. That plus the crap I already edited today means I've earned a dusty manse or two and some tuba.)
posted by Don Pepino at 1:47 PM on May 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
I am, among other things, an English teacher. This means I am tasked with forcing terrified people just like yourself to write reams of academic prose every semester. I'm also a person who loves leisure and hates work, above all haaaaaaaaates to write anything when it's for pay, or a grade or some other reward, or to to avoid a punishment, like getting yelled or frowned at for missing a deadline. Hate, loathe, despise, fear, shudder at the thought of. Nevertheless! I am employed and have been for years on end in jobs that feature writing. I have a comfortable first-world existence despite suffering from many (most? all?) of the maladies you name in this and other questions.
Let us not worry about whether you and I are depressed or lazy or just scared to death. Let us rather worry about the unfortunate pejorative whiff with which those qualifiers are so often accompanied. It's very wrong to say "depressed" or "lazy" or "scared" as if any of these were a bad quality in a person! If you're depressed, for the love of God, you're one of the right-thinking among us. Ditto if you're lazy. Lazy people have the right idea. Whodahell wants to do these wretchedwretched jobs? Whodahell would if they could avoid 'em? Scared? Well, of course you are. If you are any or all three of those, it just proves you're a realist, and smart.
Seek services. Go first to the teacher. Look at the syllabus and see when office hours are and show up, or e-mail to set up an appointment. Stomp on in without fear or shame. It is the teacher's job and the teacher will not be surprised to see you, has seen people just like you before. Lay it all out before the teacher, all the times you've tried and failed, how terrible and scary and agonizing it all feels. The teacher will either be just like me and you and will get tears in their eyes and want to put their arms around you and present you with armloads of chocolate candy before helping you set up a schedule to tackle the big jobs, or the teacher will be a TypeA sort who'll recognize a common problem and help you by sending you to the writing lab and counseling and setting up a schedule to tackle the big jobs. It doesn't matter: both types are good. Both types want to help. It is the teacher's job to help you. I like my students that come in on day one writing gorgeously for page upon page with obvious enjoyment and without need of my assistance, but I really love my students who come in on day one hating the idea of paperwriting but leave four months later with more confidence because they've figured out something useful about how to do it. I especially love the ones who come see me. It's my job to help, so when people trust me to try, I get very happy.
I think you need to treat this like a phobia--because I think that's essentially what it is. You might watch the terrible Brit reality show that I watched all available episodes of one time when I was avoiding some work I didn't want to do. It's about a dude who helps people get over their ridiculous fears. People are afraid of fun things like knees or frogs or tall structures in fields. Your fear of academic work is a lot less ridiculous than a fear of knees, frogs, or windmills. Knees, frogs, and windmills are inoffensive things, whereas work sucks limitless ass. Nevertheless, your perfectly reasonable fear will respond just like the unreasonable fear of knees did to gentle, smart care and help from a fellow person. Go get some help for your absolutely understandable human problem with getting yourself to do giant, complex jobs that you don't know how to do.
Okay, sorry, but I couldn't find the phobia show with the knees and the frogs. I did, however, find and watch 30 minutes of an awesome terrible Brit reality show that's like the best of My Strange Addiction plus the best of Hoarders. The sociopathic producers send obsessive compulsive cleaners into old country estates run by hoarders and let them duke it out while somebody plays whimsical tuba riffs. No matter how bad my life gets, at least I'm not a tuba player reduced to endlessly going "rum-pum-pa-tumble-bum" on my tuba while some poor cameraperson does slow pans of uncleaned microwaves and dead mice and the faces of the aghast. This show is perfectly calibrated to keep me from touching a peanut article for the rest of the day. Please know that you have brought great joy and comfort to this highly distractible fellow-sufferer. Now I'm off on that walk I tried to avoid. (I make myself do it in the following way: drink a ton of coffee and seltzer and have a rule that I have to use the bathroom on the sixth floor of the building up the road. Works. That plus the crap I already edited today means I've earned a dusty manse or two and some tuba.)
posted by Don Pepino at 1:47 PM on May 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
Peppercorn said what I came to say, in regards to the 'chunking' advice.
Like others have said, I am you! Sort of. I am in my early 30s, back at university getting a bachelor's degree - I totally effed up the first time out of high school due to pretty intense undiagnosed depression, which made everything impossible, including getting out of bed and just finishing a thing on time. It wasn't so much that I was sad, I just couldn't care enough to do it. My depression is less melancholic and veeery apathetic, which made it tricky to identify.
And, funnily enough, I'm just coming out of a period of severe low mood now which was made even worse by an essay that haunted my days and nights, that became such a symbol of my 'blahness' that it took on a scariness which created such panic in my poor heart. The difference now is, even when I feel like shit I can still finish a thing on time (even if the thing is not completely amazing), because I believe in baby steps.
Peppercorn described it better than I have time to right now (biophysics lecture awaits!) but it is good stuff. Just commit to something small, it doesn't even have to be writing, it can be formatting your references (which is annoying but less strain on my mind for some reason) or something like that. Also, you need a plan. I am sure most people do write to a plan but I find if I put in a lot of effort in the planning stages - solid research, laying out all of my response questions, my topic sentences, fitting in where my citations will go so I can see that the bones all fit together and will eventually make a cohesive and coherent essay - then the actual writing is so, so straight forward. I still hid this time (like damn I hid so bad plus I researched for far longer that I should have because I was afraid to start writing) but once the deadline was approaching and it was actually starting to make me cry (real tears) I had the talk with myself about how I can't let my temporary jerkbrain sabotage something that is super important to me and that an incomplete or a D or whatever would feel so much worse than how I felt right then. So, I said to myself '1 hour. Do whatever you like, but after 1 hour of working on this you can go back to faffing about on Metafilter'. 1 hour goes by really quickly, surprisingly, and if you put enough random hours together, eventually you have an essay of passable standard.
I also made an appointment with an academic mentor who talked me down from the ledge a bit and gave me some small, easily digestible bits of advice that made me refocus. Will I get an A+? No. But I will pass this assignment and this paper and that is all I need.
But yeah, seems like you need some medical assistance, starting with a GP visit maybe? I had a lot of therapy, some meds and time spent with myself figuring out why I sucked at life and it really paid off. Life doesn't have to be like that for you, but you have to take the first (baby) step. Good luck!
posted by BeeJiddy at 2:18 PM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
Like others have said, I am you! Sort of. I am in my early 30s, back at university getting a bachelor's degree - I totally effed up the first time out of high school due to pretty intense undiagnosed depression, which made everything impossible, including getting out of bed and just finishing a thing on time. It wasn't so much that I was sad, I just couldn't care enough to do it. My depression is less melancholic and veeery apathetic, which made it tricky to identify.
And, funnily enough, I'm just coming out of a period of severe low mood now which was made even worse by an essay that haunted my days and nights, that became such a symbol of my 'blahness' that it took on a scariness which created such panic in my poor heart. The difference now is, even when I feel like shit I can still finish a thing on time (even if the thing is not completely amazing), because I believe in baby steps.
Peppercorn described it better than I have time to right now (biophysics lecture awaits!) but it is good stuff. Just commit to something small, it doesn't even have to be writing, it can be formatting your references (which is annoying but less strain on my mind for some reason) or something like that. Also, you need a plan. I am sure most people do write to a plan but I find if I put in a lot of effort in the planning stages - solid research, laying out all of my response questions, my topic sentences, fitting in where my citations will go so I can see that the bones all fit together and will eventually make a cohesive and coherent essay - then the actual writing is so, so straight forward. I still hid this time (like damn I hid so bad plus I researched for far longer that I should have because I was afraid to start writing) but once the deadline was approaching and it was actually starting to make me cry (real tears) I had the talk with myself about how I can't let my temporary jerkbrain sabotage something that is super important to me and that an incomplete or a D or whatever would feel so much worse than how I felt right then. So, I said to myself '1 hour. Do whatever you like, but after 1 hour of working on this you can go back to faffing about on Metafilter'. 1 hour goes by really quickly, surprisingly, and if you put enough random hours together, eventually you have an essay of passable standard.
I also made an appointment with an academic mentor who talked me down from the ledge a bit and gave me some small, easily digestible bits of advice that made me refocus. Will I get an A+? No. But I will pass this assignment and this paper and that is all I need.
But yeah, seems like you need some medical assistance, starting with a GP visit maybe? I had a lot of therapy, some meds and time spent with myself figuring out why I sucked at life and it really paid off. Life doesn't have to be like that for you, but you have to take the first (baby) step. Good luck!
posted by BeeJiddy at 2:18 PM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
I was a procrastinator. I wasn't "depressed" in college, either--until the day I started to kill myself.
Procrastination is a symptom. The real problem is depression. You need a chemical aid to help you start to think clearly so that you can progress with a therapist. The good news is that this is fixable!
It took me 8.5 years to get through college, partly because I was crippled by unrecognized and untreated depression. Then I almost killed myself but asked for help at the last minute. I was hospitalized and got intensive in-patient therapy for 10 days, followed by a couple of years of regular therapy and meds. I'm 47 now, and I'm happily married (for the second time), and I have a successful career unrelated to my college degree. I look back on my time in college, my crappy grades (many Ws, many Fs), my avoiding my classes and skipping exams, my excuses to my professors, and my days spent in my nightgown as a time lost to an illness I didn't know I even had until it nearly killed me.
You can get better. But you must treat the illness, not just the symptoms. Please see a doctor for meds asap and then get in with a therapist.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 2:21 PM on May 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
Procrastination is a symptom. The real problem is depression. You need a chemical aid to help you start to think clearly so that you can progress with a therapist. The good news is that this is fixable!
It took me 8.5 years to get through college, partly because I was crippled by unrecognized and untreated depression. Then I almost killed myself but asked for help at the last minute. I was hospitalized and got intensive in-patient therapy for 10 days, followed by a couple of years of regular therapy and meds. I'm 47 now, and I'm happily married (for the second time), and I have a successful career unrelated to my college degree. I look back on my time in college, my crappy grades (many Ws, many Fs), my avoiding my classes and skipping exams, my excuses to my professors, and my days spent in my nightgown as a time lost to an illness I didn't know I even had until it nearly killed me.
You can get better. But you must treat the illness, not just the symptoms. Please see a doctor for meds asap and then get in with a therapist.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 2:21 PM on May 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
I'm you. I excelled in the humanities where (in my particular program at least) deadlines were not strict. My process went something like this:
Procrastinate > deadline looms, suddenly in a panic > adrenaline, actually working > deadline, the work sucks > keep working past the deadline and turn in something I actually like very late
After switching to the sciences... that really didn't work anymore.
My suggestions are:
1) See if a doc will prescribe you (if it's appropriate) something for anxiety. I'm on a low-dose antidepressant for anxiety. It really changed my ability to confront basic tasks I didn't want to do (stupid things like choosing outfits that could give me a mild meltdown). I actually take this as well as Wellbutrin and they balance each other out in a way that really works for me. You can tinker with meds for a long time.
2) Start planning out your day. However, do not, like me, get hung up on the plan itself. You make a plan because you're tired of feeling like shit, then you start to get invested following "the plan" as the only way to make yourself happy. But it's NOT the plan that makes you happy, it's the goal, the plan is just a tool. A perfectionist by nature will get hung up on the plan, and think that any deviation from the plan is a failure (so why not screw around the rest of the day). Not good! So work on internalizing that teleology.
3) If you're working while you're in school and it's not producing significant income for you, stop. My therapist is pretty convinced I have ADHD, but as long as I'm in college no one will prescribe me the pills for it. In the meantime, I drink coffee, use the Coffitivity app (creates artificial coffeeshop white noise), and give myself a "programmer's schedule." Which means that I conceive of tasks in half-day chunks. You also want to make use of the small timeslots you have throughout the day-- an hour here or there can be used to reread something, browse notes, etc. But don't artificially break up your day into micro pieces, you need long interrupted periods of time to do deep work. I worked way too much throughout undergrad and grad school and it not only impacted my grades, I learned less. I know this is nonnegotiable for a lot of students (and possibly it was for me too), but it undeniably has an effect.
4) It's a difficult balance but try not to think of non-productive work (reading, internalizing, erasing, rewriting) as a waste of time. It is actually building up to something.
5) Conversely, don't let yourself do non-productive work only. At a certain point fingers need to be on keys and brain needs to be engaged. Break the task up into pieces and start with the one that is the most pleasant sounding. When you're done with that, push through. As in, when you're done, don't think "yay I'm done bye bye desk." Start the next thing, even if only for a little while. Then you'll find it easier to come back later because you've left a hanging thread.
6) Banish guilt from your mind when it comes to non-school tasks. Don't think, "oh, Mary wanted to see me today, but I'm working instead. I really know I need to be working, but I'll feel bad for blowing off Mary. I better just hang out with her, after all, school is only four years, I've known Mary forever." Mary can wait! Once you get in better habits you'll be better at giving yourself permission to hang out with Mary once in awhile. For now, hang out with her when you genuinely have free time.
7) Try to see an individual therapist, and don't give up! I mean, if you really don't like them, switch to another therapist if possible. But give it a few months. I make a lot of "breakthroughs," not even while in the therapist's office, but later when I'm thinking about what we discussed. It's really helpful to have someone challenge your assumptions.
8) A tip from a therapist I saw once: he would tell patients who wanted to Do A Thing to go home and do it. When they were done, they had to text him "it's done." If they didn't do it, they had to text him "I stubbornly refuse to do it." It's not about shame but about reframing everything as a choice you make. It prevents inertia. As my current therapist says, you either choose to do the thing or you choose to deal with the consequences of not doing that thing.
Anyway, I read a lot of wisdom and "self-help" in places like Metafilter and it has helped a lot, so I always thought I didn't "need" therapy. But individual therapy gets inside your head more; something about interacting with another person in a focused way about this or that issue sticks with you and irritates your mind until you have a pearl of real wisdom you know to be true about yourself. It's like reading a math book versus working out the problems at the end of the chapter. One sticks with you more, even if it feels like "less" information.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:45 PM on May 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
Procrastinate > deadline looms, suddenly in a panic > adrenaline, actually working > deadline, the work sucks > keep working past the deadline and turn in something I actually like very late
After switching to the sciences... that really didn't work anymore.
My suggestions are:
1) See if a doc will prescribe you (if it's appropriate) something for anxiety. I'm on a low-dose antidepressant for anxiety. It really changed my ability to confront basic tasks I didn't want to do (stupid things like choosing outfits that could give me a mild meltdown). I actually take this as well as Wellbutrin and they balance each other out in a way that really works for me. You can tinker with meds for a long time.
2) Start planning out your day. However, do not, like me, get hung up on the plan itself. You make a plan because you're tired of feeling like shit, then you start to get invested following "the plan" as the only way to make yourself happy. But it's NOT the plan that makes you happy, it's the goal, the plan is just a tool. A perfectionist by nature will get hung up on the plan, and think that any deviation from the plan is a failure (so why not screw around the rest of the day). Not good! So work on internalizing that teleology.
3) If you're working while you're in school and it's not producing significant income for you, stop. My therapist is pretty convinced I have ADHD, but as long as I'm in college no one will prescribe me the pills for it. In the meantime, I drink coffee, use the Coffitivity app (creates artificial coffeeshop white noise), and give myself a "programmer's schedule." Which means that I conceive of tasks in half-day chunks. You also want to make use of the small timeslots you have throughout the day-- an hour here or there can be used to reread something, browse notes, etc. But don't artificially break up your day into micro pieces, you need long interrupted periods of time to do deep work. I worked way too much throughout undergrad and grad school and it not only impacted my grades, I learned less. I know this is nonnegotiable for a lot of students (and possibly it was for me too), but it undeniably has an effect.
4) It's a difficult balance but try not to think of non-productive work (reading, internalizing, erasing, rewriting) as a waste of time. It is actually building up to something.
5) Conversely, don't let yourself do non-productive work only. At a certain point fingers need to be on keys and brain needs to be engaged. Break the task up into pieces and start with the one that is the most pleasant sounding. When you're done with that, push through. As in, when you're done, don't think "yay I'm done bye bye desk." Start the next thing, even if only for a little while. Then you'll find it easier to come back later because you've left a hanging thread.
6) Banish guilt from your mind when it comes to non-school tasks. Don't think, "oh, Mary wanted to see me today, but I'm working instead. I really know I need to be working, but I'll feel bad for blowing off Mary. I better just hang out with her, after all, school is only four years, I've known Mary forever." Mary can wait! Once you get in better habits you'll be better at giving yourself permission to hang out with Mary once in awhile. For now, hang out with her when you genuinely have free time.
7) Try to see an individual therapist, and don't give up! I mean, if you really don't like them, switch to another therapist if possible. But give it a few months. I make a lot of "breakthroughs," not even while in the therapist's office, but later when I'm thinking about what we discussed. It's really helpful to have someone challenge your assumptions.
8) A tip from a therapist I saw once: he would tell patients who wanted to Do A Thing to go home and do it. When they were done, they had to text him "it's done." If they didn't do it, they had to text him "I stubbornly refuse to do it." It's not about shame but about reframing everything as a choice you make. It prevents inertia. As my current therapist says, you either choose to do the thing or you choose to deal with the consequences of not doing that thing.
Anyway, I read a lot of wisdom and "self-help" in places like Metafilter and it has helped a lot, so I always thought I didn't "need" therapy. But individual therapy gets inside your head more; something about interacting with another person in a focused way about this or that issue sticks with you and irritates your mind until you have a pearl of real wisdom you know to be true about yourself. It's like reading a math book versus working out the problems at the end of the chapter. One sticks with you more, even if it feels like "less" information.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:45 PM on May 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
Oh, I love this:
"A tip from a therapist I saw once: he would tell patients who wanted to Do A Thing to go home and do it. When they were done, they had to text him 'it's done.' If they didn't do it, they had to text him 'I stubbornly refuse to do it.'"
posted by Don Pepino at 3:47 PM on May 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
"A tip from a therapist I saw once: he would tell patients who wanted to Do A Thing to go home and do it. When they were done, they had to text him 'it's done.' If they didn't do it, they had to text him 'I stubbornly refuse to do it.'"
posted by Don Pepino at 3:47 PM on May 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: I'd like to say I really appreciate the comments and feedback that I have been given. I'm overwhelmed by the support. I have an appointment with a new therapist today and I'm going to be honest with her about everything.
posted by sheepishchiffon at 7:28 AM on May 9, 2017 [13 favorites]
posted by sheepishchiffon at 7:28 AM on May 9, 2017 [13 favorites]
Response by poster: Just an update from the therapist's appointment: she thinks I'm depressed and recommends that I see a psychiatrist and get medicated. Also just like some of you guys mentioned, she also finds that I seem doubt that I might be depressed. I never told her this I guess she figured it out by how I was talking about it. I feel optimistic that this might work out.
Thanks again guys!
posted by sheepishchiffon at 3:28 PM on May 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
Thanks again guys!
posted by sheepishchiffon at 3:28 PM on May 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by supercres at 6:19 AM on May 8, 2017 [5 favorites]