Not-Good-Enough Mothers
May 4, 2017 7:23 PM Subscribe
I suppose it's no coincidence that I'm posting this a week before Mother's Day. Since about the age of 10 my relationship with my mother has been... fraught, for lack of a better word. In a world that deifies mothers, how do you deal with having a "not-good-enough" mother? I find Mother's Day (well, and seeing people with "good" mothers) to be exhausting and shameful, because I'm not close with my mother and I never will be.
My relationship with my mother has been quite poor since about the age of 10 (late 20s now). She's an alcoholic with untreated mental illness. Therapy has helped me understand that I dealt with a lot of emotional neglect during childhood. I know that she's an ill woman, but I truly can't stand her.
I've often wondered why I didn't "deserve" a good mother, like my friends or my cousins had. I've been so ashamed that I had an "embarrassing" mother. It's taken me a long time to realize that my mother isn't a reflection of me and that her problems aren't my problems, there was a lot of shame there. I'm still dealing with this and wondering how other people who have poor relationships with their mothers (for whatever reason) cope in a world that just... expects everyone to love and worship their mother? Particularly, women who aren't close with their mothers. I feel like there's an expection that I'm supposed to be best friends with my mother, and just... no. Are there any resources or books I should be checking out to feel less alone/understand my emotions better?
My relationship with my mother has been quite poor since about the age of 10 (late 20s now). She's an alcoholic with untreated mental illness. Therapy has helped me understand that I dealt with a lot of emotional neglect during childhood. I know that she's an ill woman, but I truly can't stand her.
I've often wondered why I didn't "deserve" a good mother, like my friends or my cousins had. I've been so ashamed that I had an "embarrassing" mother. It's taken me a long time to realize that my mother isn't a reflection of me and that her problems aren't my problems, there was a lot of shame there. I'm still dealing with this and wondering how other people who have poor relationships with their mothers (for whatever reason) cope in a world that just... expects everyone to love and worship their mother? Particularly, women who aren't close with their mothers. I feel like there's an expection that I'm supposed to be best friends with my mother, and just... no. Are there any resources or books I should be checking out to feel less alone/understand my emotions better?
Be a good mother - to yourself and to anyone, adult or child, who needs a moment of reprieve and a safe space. That is, if possible, don't focus on what you feel you lack but what you can and do give to others, in the network of humanity to which you belong. I don't think it's only their mothers that people cerebrate on mother's day, but the feeling of belonging and special connection with someone.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:53 PM on May 4, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:53 PM on May 4, 2017 [4 favorites]
My mother was the type of mom that lots of other people think/thought sounded great... because they never had to live with her. On top of that, I have had people tell me that I "owe" my mother a relationship because she gave birth to me. People who know how bad things were for me have clucked sympathetically, and then said "but... still... she's your mother."
I'm sorry I can only really offer commiseration, because it's been a few years since I last spoke to my mother and I still haven't gotten past those feelings of shame and sadness, although it has gotten better with time and distance.
posted by sm1tten at 8:56 PM on May 4, 2017 [4 favorites]
I'm sorry I can only really offer commiseration, because it's been a few years since I last spoke to my mother and I still haven't gotten past those feelings of shame and sadness, although it has gotten better with time and distance.
posted by sm1tten at 8:56 PM on May 4, 2017 [4 favorites]
My mother is a inspiring, wonderful person and she was a pretty sucky parent (mental health issues). There was a public face and a private face - the private one was ugly. She is 71, currently living her last days receiving hospice care on a memory care unit dying from dementia, diabetes, heart failure and stage IV breast cancer.
Forgive your mother. That is your work. You may never reconcile, and that's 100% okay, you must do what you need to do for your own well-being. But if you're able to forgive and accept that she is how and who she is, without carrying ongoing guilt for not liking her more, your heart will feel lighter.
FWIW, I try to focus my Mother's Day "mothering thoughts" on my friends and relatives, esp. those with little people. It makes me feel hope and appreciation for their hard work and dedication.
posted by mcbeth at 9:01 PM on May 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
Forgive your mother. That is your work. You may never reconcile, and that's 100% okay, you must do what you need to do for your own well-being. But if you're able to forgive and accept that she is how and who she is, without carrying ongoing guilt for not liking her more, your heart will feel lighter.
FWIW, I try to focus my Mother's Day "mothering thoughts" on my friends and relatives, esp. those with little people. It makes me feel hope and appreciation for their hard work and dedication.
posted by mcbeth at 9:01 PM on May 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
I really disagree with the idea that you need to forgive your mother. If you feel like it'd bring you peace, somehow, sure, go for it. But it sounds to me like you need to forgive yourself.
You didn't do anything wrong. You were a child, and your mother failed you, and the reasons for that failure are immaterial. People can do their best and still fail, and your mother failed. That's a heavy burden for a child to have to carry. You deserved better than this, and you deserve to do the things you need to do to make yourself feel safe. If one of those things is limiting the relationship that you have with your mother, that's a thing that you're allowed to do--it sounds like a healthy and self-protective boundary to me.
Emotional neglect is a form of abuse. You may find support and people in similar situations if you seek out forums or other resources for the children of abusive parents. None of this is your fault. Please take care of yourself.
posted by mishafletch at 9:28 PM on May 4, 2017 [33 favorites]
You didn't do anything wrong. You were a child, and your mother failed you, and the reasons for that failure are immaterial. People can do their best and still fail, and your mother failed. That's a heavy burden for a child to have to carry. You deserved better than this, and you deserve to do the things you need to do to make yourself feel safe. If one of those things is limiting the relationship that you have with your mother, that's a thing that you're allowed to do--it sounds like a healthy and self-protective boundary to me.
Emotional neglect is a form of abuse. You may find support and people in similar situations if you seek out forums or other resources for the children of abusive parents. None of this is your fault. Please take care of yourself.
posted by mishafletch at 9:28 PM on May 4, 2017 [33 favorites]
Of my first cousins, the one that makes the soupiest, most florid memorial posts about his dad is also the one who, objectively speaking, had the worst dad. It might be that he's made his peace and forgiven the guy, but given what I know about the situation, I strongly suspect that he's simply taken over his deceased father's reputation management duties. His father may have died, but the abusive dynamics he established appear to be living on.
So realize this: A substantial chunk of the sentimental schmaltz that we see written about mothers around this time of year is utter, utter bullshit. That isn't to say that all of it is bullshit-- just that not everyone who engages in that sort of thing is communicating the unvarnished truth about their lives. Sometimes people put that stuff forth because they want their lives to look better than they actually are; or because they think they're supposed to, and they'd feel guilty if they didn't; or because they hope that if they say that stuff enough, it'll somehow come true; or for any number of other reasons that have zilch to do with depicting that relationship honestly.
Realize, too, that a good bit of that stuff is commercially-driven. You don't sell flowers and brunches by buying banner ads that say, "Your Mother, Eh, She Kind Of Tried When She Was Sober," or "Mom: Because She Wanted That Asshole More Than She Wanted Herself, or You, or Anything Else For That Matter." Content providers want easy shares, jewelry companies want dollars, and neither are likely to get those things by painting the mothers of the world as anything other than selfless, nurturing angels during this time of year.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 9:46 PM on May 4, 2017 [25 favorites]
So realize this: A substantial chunk of the sentimental schmaltz that we see written about mothers around this time of year is utter, utter bullshit. That isn't to say that all of it is bullshit-- just that not everyone who engages in that sort of thing is communicating the unvarnished truth about their lives. Sometimes people put that stuff forth because they want their lives to look better than they actually are; or because they think they're supposed to, and they'd feel guilty if they didn't; or because they hope that if they say that stuff enough, it'll somehow come true; or for any number of other reasons that have zilch to do with depicting that relationship honestly.
Realize, too, that a good bit of that stuff is commercially-driven. You don't sell flowers and brunches by buying banner ads that say, "Your Mother, Eh, She Kind Of Tried When She Was Sober," or "Mom: Because She Wanted That Asshole More Than She Wanted Herself, or You, or Anything Else For That Matter." Content providers want easy shares, jewelry companies want dollars, and neither are likely to get those things by painting the mothers of the world as anything other than selfless, nurturing angels during this time of year.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 9:46 PM on May 4, 2017 [25 favorites]
There is a toxic myth in our culture that ALL mothers are nurturing, ALL mothers are loving, ALL mothers bond with their infants, ALL mothers care for their infants.
The truth is SOME mothers are nurturing (but many aren't)
SOME mothers are loving (but many aren't)
SOME mothers bond with their infants (but many don't)
SOME mothers care for their infants (but many don't).
And if you were on the receiving end of emotional neglect, verbal abuse, physical neglect, or physical abuse from your mother, the propaganda of "mothers are loving and self sacrificing" that happens every mothers day can be very hurtful.
It's not your fault your mother failed you.
Please be gentle with yourself. Talking with other friends who had not-good enough mothers might help.
posted by Sockpuppets 'R' Us at 9:47 PM on May 4, 2017 [14 favorites]
The truth is SOME mothers are nurturing (but many aren't)
SOME mothers are loving (but many aren't)
SOME mothers bond with their infants (but many don't)
SOME mothers care for their infants (but many don't).
And if you were on the receiving end of emotional neglect, verbal abuse, physical neglect, or physical abuse from your mother, the propaganda of "mothers are loving and self sacrificing" that happens every mothers day can be very hurtful.
It's not your fault your mother failed you.
Please be gentle with yourself. Talking with other friends who had not-good enough mothers might help.
posted by Sockpuppets 'R' Us at 9:47 PM on May 4, 2017 [14 favorites]
Talking with other friends who had not-good enough mothers might help.
^^^^ this this this
And if you think all your friends have perfect mothers, well, maybe just give it a couple of years. I know so many women whose relationships with their mothers reached some kind of crisis point when they reached 30-ish, a turn for the better or for the worse. I think it's when a lot of women start to perceive their mothers as *people* rather than just their moms. IDK, maybe it's just a weird artifact of my friends I turned 30 with, but when I've brought this idea up with new friends, they often connect with the idea. You have a particularly tough mother situation, so you had to deal with this stuff earlier, but a lot of people have to deal with it at some point.
I have friends whose moms did better than mine, and friends whose moms did much worse. Right now I don't spend a lot of time with my mother or talk to her very often, and I've gotten used to not expecting much from her. I know she tried, and I know she loves me, but my interactions with her are usually kind of stressful and unpleasant, so I minimize them.
Honestly I don't hear a lot of the "mothers are great!" message. I don't shop or watch TV commercials very much, so that insulates me from a lot of the messages from the media. Maybe stay off facebook, etc. on Mother's Day if you have trouble taking those messages with a grain of salt. Learn to let that message sort of fade into the background like an ad for the lottery or something.
posted by mskyle at 6:01 AM on May 5, 2017 [2 favorites]
^^^^ this this this
And if you think all your friends have perfect mothers, well, maybe just give it a couple of years. I know so many women whose relationships with their mothers reached some kind of crisis point when they reached 30-ish, a turn for the better or for the worse. I think it's when a lot of women start to perceive their mothers as *people* rather than just their moms. IDK, maybe it's just a weird artifact of my friends I turned 30 with, but when I've brought this idea up with new friends, they often connect with the idea. You have a particularly tough mother situation, so you had to deal with this stuff earlier, but a lot of people have to deal with it at some point.
I have friends whose moms did better than mine, and friends whose moms did much worse. Right now I don't spend a lot of time with my mother or talk to her very often, and I've gotten used to not expecting much from her. I know she tried, and I know she loves me, but my interactions with her are usually kind of stressful and unpleasant, so I minimize them.
Honestly I don't hear a lot of the "mothers are great!" message. I don't shop or watch TV commercials very much, so that insulates me from a lot of the messages from the media. Maybe stay off facebook, etc. on Mother's Day if you have trouble taking those messages with a grain of salt. Learn to let that message sort of fade into the background like an ad for the lottery or something.
posted by mskyle at 6:01 AM on May 5, 2017 [2 favorites]
I deal with Mother's Day as a daughter with a difficult maternal relationship the same way I deal with Easter, Christmas, my wedding, my baby shower. I reflect on the social expectations and the various ways they are impossible to meet. My life isn't a story book and never will be. And that makes me think nobody else's is either. I notice the pretense and either laugh or rant about it depending on where I'm at in the moment.
posted by crunchy potato at 6:26 AM on May 5, 2017
posted by crunchy potato at 6:26 AM on May 5, 2017
I've been getting really annoyed at all the sappy "like this" if you miss your mom, if your mom was the best, etc on Facebook lately. My mom was physically and emotionally abusive and I have never missed her. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was around 15, most likely she'd had it for years, for most of my childhood. It explained her cruelty somewhat and eventually i stopped feeling angry at her. I only saw her a few times after I was 17, she died when I was in my late thirties.
People who are adamant that we should forgive those who hurt us try to put us down if we're not inclined to forgive. Shame and blame the victim some more! Sadists! You don't have to forgive your mother.
Yes, some people are really lucky that they have wonderful moms- both in public and in private- but there are a lot of us out there who didn't. Many of us, probably most of us, who do become mothers ourselves try hard to be better mothers to our children than our mothers were to us.
posted by mareli at 6:32 AM on May 5, 2017 [6 favorites]
People who are adamant that we should forgive those who hurt us try to put us down if we're not inclined to forgive. Shame and blame the victim some more! Sadists! You don't have to forgive your mother.
Yes, some people are really lucky that they have wonderful moms- both in public and in private- but there are a lot of us out there who didn't. Many of us, probably most of us, who do become mothers ourselves try hard to be better mothers to our children than our mothers were to us.
posted by mareli at 6:32 AM on May 5, 2017 [6 favorites]
Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters might help you sort out some of your feelings.
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:47 AM on May 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:47 AM on May 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
You don't need to forgive your mother.
My relationship with my mother is a little better now (though still occasionally fraught and definitely not a 'good' relationship), but I spent a lot of time in my late teens/early 20's using mother's day as an excuse to honor the older women that did care for or mentor me in some way, and I was lucky enough to have them in my life. I also spent (and spend) a lot of time with people who also had shitty moms, which helped.
posted by dinty_moore at 6:52 AM on May 5, 2017
My relationship with my mother is a little better now (though still occasionally fraught and definitely not a 'good' relationship), but I spent a lot of time in my late teens/early 20's using mother's day as an excuse to honor the older women that did care for or mentor me in some way, and I was lucky enough to have them in my life. I also spent (and spend) a lot of time with people who also had shitty moms, which helped.
posted by dinty_moore at 6:52 AM on May 5, 2017
I have a lot of empathy for you. I feel this. I get it.
(as a parent now myself) A way I have found it's useful to frame this is that parenting is a relationship like any other.
Relationships aren't good or bad. A relationship is just neutral, the people and circumstances in them make them good or bad.
So a toxic person or circumstance in a relationship, even a parental one, isn't inherently worth having just because it's a relationship. It has to add value to your life.
The fact that I'm my children's parent doesn't add anything to their life unless I'm a good parent and a person.
posted by French Fry at 6:54 AM on May 5, 2017
(as a parent now myself) A way I have found it's useful to frame this is that parenting is a relationship like any other.
Relationships aren't good or bad. A relationship is just neutral, the people and circumstances in them make them good or bad.
So a toxic person or circumstance in a relationship, even a parental one, isn't inherently worth having just because it's a relationship. It has to add value to your life.
The fact that I'm my children's parent doesn't add anything to their life unless I'm a good parent and a person.
posted by French Fry at 6:54 AM on May 5, 2017
I find a lot of people around me perform their lives more than they live them. Social media has made this worse, in my opinion. I would personally rather hear kind words directly from someone than read them about me on facebook. But the exact opposite tends the be the trend now. I think it tends to cause people to over-emphasize and perfect their lives for their "audience", while minimizing or outright hiding the bad or sad in their lives. In other words, you can't believe everything you read.
This is a long-winded start to saying that I know what you go through, because I go through it too. My relationship with my mother is difficult. She isn't a bad person, but she wants to be treated like the best person. Our family was chaotic and heartbreaking, but she wants to pretend it was all fine. It has caused serious stress in our relationship when I've tried to speak honestly about the past, and about my anger and frustration. I've learned not to bother.
However, I find it personally important to be honest. If with no one else, at least with myself. Mother's day? I wish her a happy mother's day. I tell her I love her. Both of those statements are true. Sometimes I give her flowers. Flowers are pretty and smell nice. I don't feel like I'm doing anything dishonest in those words and actions.
I don't perform mother's day. I don't say or write things I don't think are honest or true. I'm not claiming she was always patient or kind or selfless, because I don't think that's the case. I'm not saying she was always there for me, because I don't think that's true.
I'm telling the truth, if not the whole truth. I'm honest, but I try not to be unkind. That's how I square it in my mind.
posted by Cranialtorque at 12:35 PM on May 5, 2017 [3 favorites]
This is a long-winded start to saying that I know what you go through, because I go through it too. My relationship with my mother is difficult. She isn't a bad person, but she wants to be treated like the best person. Our family was chaotic and heartbreaking, but she wants to pretend it was all fine. It has caused serious stress in our relationship when I've tried to speak honestly about the past, and about my anger and frustration. I've learned not to bother.
However, I find it personally important to be honest. If with no one else, at least with myself. Mother's day? I wish her a happy mother's day. I tell her I love her. Both of those statements are true. Sometimes I give her flowers. Flowers are pretty and smell nice. I don't feel like I'm doing anything dishonest in those words and actions.
I don't perform mother's day. I don't say or write things I don't think are honest or true. I'm not claiming she was always patient or kind or selfless, because I don't think that's the case. I'm not saying she was always there for me, because I don't think that's true.
I'm telling the truth, if not the whole truth. I'm honest, but I try not to be unkind. That's how I square it in my mind.
posted by Cranialtorque at 12:35 PM on May 5, 2017 [3 favorites]
It's a grieving process.
This doesn't answer your entire question, but to answer the aspect on feeling undeserving of having a good mother:
Spending time around children and infants (not my own) helped me understand at a visceral level that there is no child in the world, myself included, that deserves a dismissive/emotionally absent/not-good-enough-in-some-other-way parent.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 9:25 PM on May 5, 2017 [2 favorites]
This doesn't answer your entire question, but to answer the aspect on feeling undeserving of having a good mother:
Spending time around children and infants (not my own) helped me understand at a visceral level that there is no child in the world, myself included, that deserves a dismissive/emotionally absent/not-good-enough-in-some-other-way parent.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 9:25 PM on May 5, 2017 [2 favorites]
A substantial chunk of the sentimental schmaltz that we see written about mothers around this time of year is utter, utter bullshit.
QFT
Even among people who have amicable relationships with their mothers, who have mothers who weren't abusive & neglectful, the majority of people I know are not super loving besties with their moms. They have average, human, fallible mothers who do average, human, fallible things and have relationships that range from See You at Obligatory Thanksgiving Dinner to Dutifully Call Once a Month to Update You Daily On the Minutiae of Life--and none of these is necessarily an indication of how warm and fuzzy they feel towards one another.
When you can, opt out of as much of that in-your-face saccharine stuff as you can--hide facebook people who post it, use ad blockers, mute commercials, etc. When you can't, try to remember that Hallmark mothers are not real mothers; they are Leave It to Beaver June Cleaver caricatures that exist in no one's home or childhood. And if you have any women in your life that did/do support and love you, perhaps re-associate them with the day. Motherhood has been put on a pedestal, but there are many important people in a one's childhood and adult life who fill roles that society foists onto a single individual.
posted by carrioncomfort at 9:23 AM on May 6, 2017
QFT
Even among people who have amicable relationships with their mothers, who have mothers who weren't abusive & neglectful, the majority of people I know are not super loving besties with their moms. They have average, human, fallible mothers who do average, human, fallible things and have relationships that range from See You at Obligatory Thanksgiving Dinner to Dutifully Call Once a Month to Update You Daily On the Minutiae of Life--and none of these is necessarily an indication of how warm and fuzzy they feel towards one another.
When you can, opt out of as much of that in-your-face saccharine stuff as you can--hide facebook people who post it, use ad blockers, mute commercials, etc. When you can't, try to remember that Hallmark mothers are not real mothers; they are Leave It to Beaver June Cleaver caricatures that exist in no one's home or childhood. And if you have any women in your life that did/do support and love you, perhaps re-associate them with the day. Motherhood has been put on a pedestal, but there are many important people in a one's childhood and adult life who fill roles that society foists onto a single individual.
posted by carrioncomfort at 9:23 AM on May 6, 2017
Right now in your twenties you may still feel embarrassed and suffer from shame. Keep working and growing as a person and always try to understand that the behavior of others is not personal. As much as an alcoholic parent can seem to destroy your life (I am an adult child of an alcoholic), cause shame and make you feel different and limit joy, it isn't personal. Your mother didn't set out to be a crappy mother. She lacked the tools and alcoholism makes you self-centered and immature.
As you grow older you will realize that everybody has crap in their life and it shouldn't limit you. You had an addict for a mother. That sucks but as you move forward try not to dwell on it or be angry. Acceptance and understanding is the answer.
You don't have to like your mom or have a relationship with her but remember that your mom is a beautiful person underneath the pain and hardness. She was once a soft child but life treated her like crap and she drinks to cope. You don't have to understand too much. You don't have to analyze or try to "figure her out" but some understanding helps you realize that it's not personal. She would have been the same with any kid she had.
You don't have to be a victim of your past. Anger and blame destroys a person. You get to be the adult. You get to choose healthy ways of coping. You get to do all of the good stuff in life and enjoy and love and be daring and be sober. You're a survivor.
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:53 AM on May 7, 2017 [1 favorite]
As you grow older you will realize that everybody has crap in their life and it shouldn't limit you. You had an addict for a mother. That sucks but as you move forward try not to dwell on it or be angry. Acceptance and understanding is the answer.
You don't have to like your mom or have a relationship with her but remember that your mom is a beautiful person underneath the pain and hardness. She was once a soft child but life treated her like crap and she drinks to cope. You don't have to understand too much. You don't have to analyze or try to "figure her out" but some understanding helps you realize that it's not personal. She would have been the same with any kid she had.
You don't have to be a victim of your past. Anger and blame destroys a person. You get to be the adult. You get to choose healthy ways of coping. You get to do all of the good stuff in life and enjoy and love and be daring and be sober. You're a survivor.
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:53 AM on May 7, 2017 [1 favorite]
If your mother happens to be an addict or alcoholic, consider checking out Al-Anon, which will help you take care of yourself and deal with feelings of shame. I think Mother's Day (and similar holidays) are bullshit and I refused to have it celebrated after my daughter arrived. I didn't see any reason to share my shitpie of guilt around Mother's Day, etc., with my kid. My mom loved me but as far too many of us know, love is NOT enough. I probably wasn't the mom my kid needed when she was young, either. But I figured that out and did what I could to become a more whole and healthy human being. I wish we had had the parents a newborn baby, developing child, and young adult need. Lots of us don't. Love yourself as much as possible and remember, you are not alone in this.
posted by Bella Donna at 3:20 PM on May 7, 2017
posted by Bella Donna at 3:20 PM on May 7, 2017
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posted by Miko at 8:44 PM on May 4, 2017 [10 favorites]