The slow fade isn't working

April 30, 2017 9:37 AM

I have a friend who I'd like to distance myself from. He's a nice guy and there's nothing "wrong" with him, but we just don't have much of anything in common, partly because he's 20 years younger than me. He's very depressed, lonely, and dependent on others which saps my energy. I've also got some resentment that his lifestyle is completely bankrolled by his family.

He's in his early 20s, I'm in my 40s. When I was his age I had my own car and apartment which I paid for with a shitty job. I had plans for my life, which has taken a few twists and turns but I've basically turned out okay. He has a bachelor's degree but apparently no plans. His father pays for his rent and literally everything. He's not, say, Eric Trump, but he has better clothes and furnishings than I can afford, and he takes trips on his father's dime. For scale, if I'm making the median income, he's "making" the median + 50%, i.e. upper middle class. It's not his fault that his dad is enabling his son's sloth, and I'm not sure I would have refused the money at his age, but it turns my stomach.

He lives alone in a far-flung suburb without a car (because he's chosen not to learn how to drive). So someone must pick him up for every errand and social event. Usually this is his dad, but I've driven him occasionally. It's an hour round trip for me, and if the event is a half hour away, I've spent 2 hours driving him. This creates more resentment. He's moving within walking distance soon and I'm worried that he'll be asking me to drive him everywhere and/or that he'll want to hang out at my place all the time because he has few other friends.

Part of the reason I am friends with him is that we're both members of a very small and marginalized community. We seek each other out because we're so often discriminated against. Most of my other friends are also part of this community (so many of them know this guy). (I'm not really worried about community drama; he's pretty isolated from the rest of them and I'm one of the central figures.) He is depressed and isolated (because of where he lives) and I feel badly for him.

Alas, we have little to talk about apart from our pets and our trials and tribulations of being part of this community. He's a gamer, I'm not, he's an artist, I'm not, he hates the outdoors, I love it, etc.

I guess part of my question is - am I being petty and jealous, or are these valid reasons to not want to be friends? If I'm justified in not being friends, how do I let him go? He texts me multiple times a day and I've started responding much more slowly and brushing off his invites with white lies about being busy or sick. This hasn't stopped him from asking. I know I'm not responsible for his depression, but is there a gentle way to let him down without triggering it?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total)

It doesn't sound like you're doing much with the slow fade. Remember, you don't need to respond just because someone calls/emails/text you. Feeling sorry for him is not a good reason for friendship - and shouldn't be a reason he'd want to be friends. Additionally, you don't seem to like him much (at all) and you said his actions literally turn your stomach. Not a great thing for either you or him. You're not responsible for him, and the time is now (before he moves in walking distance) to stop being available.
posted by arnicae at 9:54 AM on April 30, 2017

I think not enjoying spending time with him is in itself an excellent reason to not be friends.

For that matter, not wanting to be his goddamn driver is the only reason you need for not offering or agreeing to rides, and anyway if he's got an upper middle class budget he can afford to just uber everywhere. At most, if you feel bad about this, perhaps offer to teach him how to drive and make it clear why.
posted by Xany at 9:56 AM on April 30, 2017 [9 favorites]

Like Nancy said: "Just say no."

You don't even need to explain yourself.

And, just for the record: "Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."
posted by HuronBob at 10:03 AM on April 30, 2017 [3 favorites]

He has the money to pay for cabs. If he asks for rides, let him know that you don't want to do that anymore because it's a significant burden on you, and let him know his alternatives.

Instead of white lies about why you're not getting together, you may want to tell him that you're focusing your life on other relationships right now.
posted by metasarah at 10:21 AM on April 30, 2017 [5 favorites]

I really appreciate that you are trying to be gentle and kind with this person. Unfortunately it sounds like that kindness has backfired in a big way.

This is the sort of situation where the Miss Manners favorite, "I'm sorry, that won't be possible" comes in handy. No white lies, no explanations, just a simple statement of fact. If he tries to argue or wheedle, just repeat, "Sorry, I can't." (Note: not "I can't because..." -- the goal is to be simple and firm, and to avoid any openings for argument.)

Once you stop being useful to him as a driver, you may find he's not much interested in being "friends" either.
posted by basalganglia at 10:44 AM on April 30, 2017 [13 favorites]

are these valid reasons to not want to be friends?

You don't need a reason to not want to be friends with someone. You don't want to be friends, and he's not entitled to your friendship.

I agree that you should start turning down his invitations and requests for rides. No need to offer explanations. I get the desire to let him down gently and avoid triggering his depression, but as you pointed out you are not responsible for it.
posted by thrungva at 11:05 AM on April 30, 2017 [3 favorites]

am I being petty and jealous, or are these valid reasons to not want to be friends?

feeling petty and jealous about someone is the most valid reason to not want to be friends with them!

to disengage, don't give individual one-time excuses and expect him to slowly discern a pattern. he won't. If he's seriously depressed he probably has a lot of practice trying to convince himself he's just imagining constant rejection, that's just the depression talking, so try harder! an excruciating dynamic, where he may be fighting not to generalize from individual incidents the way you are trying to get him to.

so generalize it for him. answer no more than one text every couple days for a bit, and then tell him you're going to be too busy to do much socializing with him and you'll see him around but you're not up for making plans. If he asks you straight out if you're mad at him or what he's done, say you feel like the two of you are in different places in life and don't have much in common anymore. this is pretty true, for bullshit. put the "anymore" in there to soften it but don't soften it more than that.
posted by queenofbithynia at 12:16 PM on April 30, 2017 [4 favorites]

I don't disagree with the above advice - you don't owe him friendship. However, he is in a tough situation: very depressed, in small marginalized community experiencing discrimination, further isolated by not being able to drive (in my experience people who live that far from city center don't want to be non-drivers, there is something preventing them - cognitive processing issues, family objections, phobias) and then he is pushed even further to the margins by depression/logisitics/poor social skills so he has few friends.

You are not his savior. You have no obligation to be his friend. But I would encourage you to think about what gestures you feel you can freely offer out of the kindness of your heart, without resentment. For me, there would be no way I would drive as far as you have. However, you might offer to go out for a cup of coffee after a group meeting or let him know that you have time to talk on the phone once week to catch up on how you are both doing. Don't cut him off completely if you don't have to. Figure out of you can put limits on this relationship to point where it starts to work for you again - if you can.
posted by metahawk at 5:44 PM on April 30, 2017 [5 favorites]

Does he use Lyft/Uber/etc? I know a lot of older people who could benefit from ride apps but don't use them, due to unfamiliarity I guess. It's kind of unusual for a young person not to know about those apps, but it seems like they could really help him - would also be a good opportunity to build his feeling of independence.

Sorry this is not a real answer to your question.
posted by scose at 6:12 PM on April 30, 2017

You really don't need to be friends with anyone you don't want to. No other reason needed.

Similarly, you really don't need to chauffeur someone around, friend or not. Maybe for a one-time emergency, if they have no other options and you're feeling generous, sure. Not to a random social event.

You're feeling resentment for doing all these "favours" for him, including spending time with him that you aren't enjoying. Stop. You need to start setting boundaries. "No" is a very useful word. It's really not as rude as it may seem to you. And sometimes a blunt no is required for people who are used to getting everything they ask for.
posted by randomnity at 7:52 AM on May 1, 2017

You have the absolute right to say "no" to any request whatsoever. End of story. He is not your child, parent, or significant other.

You do not have to drive him anywhere. You do not have to let him in to your house.
If he asks for a ride: "That's not going to work for me, sorry."
or "I'm not going straight from my house, so you're going to have to ask someone else or try an Uber/lyft".

If he comes to your door: "Sorry, I'm working on something/in the middle of something, and I can't be social right now."


As far as texting, even my closest friends and I do not always reply the same day to texts. Take longer to reply.
posted by Neekee at 8:51 AM on May 1, 2017

I'd try to let go of the resentment related to budget by focusing on the good fortune you've had, the pride and self reliance you developed via not being bankrolled, and the fact that you may not know all of his circumstances (e.g., how mental illness can derail a job / career search). I'd prevent the driving-related resentment by just not doing that anymore, as others have suggested.

If you can set those resentments aside, do you have any interest in still chatting with him or getting coffee occasionally?
posted by salvia at 9:23 AM on May 1, 2017

I've been in a similar situation, more than once. When trying to decide whether to stay in a friendship, I've found it useful to ask myself, "Is this person trying to be a friend to me, as best they can? If so, am I able to receive their friendship in a genuine way?"

I was recently (within the last few years) asked to mentor/befriend two different women for two (slightly) different reasons - I'll call them Ellen and Ella.

Ellen and I got together the prescribed amount of time for our shared activity. She talked almost the entire time, almost entirely about herself, showed no interest in me as a person, and very clearly wanted me to introduce her to to all of my friends and induct her into my social circle. I felt somewhat used by this, and didn't respond as quickly as she wanted me to in terms of making those introductions (I also had bronchitis), and she moved on very quickly.

Ella also talks about herself all of the time. What's different, though, is that she does try to remember things I think are important, and ask me about them. I get the sense she cares about me as a person. Our conversation is still focused on her, about 75 - 90% of the time, but I also know that if I needed her, she would do her best to come through.

Over the years, I've come to realize that if I don't have that baseline liking or respect for someone and feel the same from them, I'm not really being their friend - and I need to figure out what I can genuinely offer and share, and do that.
posted by dancing_angel at 1:31 PM on May 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

There are people I've encountered in my life who have brought out the petty, mean parts of me. Sometimes they are good friends of friends, so I give them all the benefit of the doubt that there is more to them than meets my eye (or, that my eye is capable of seeing at the moment). I also tend to give them a wide berth.

Sometimes eventually I'll warm up to them as whatever was getting under my skin works its way through. Sometimes they fade further away naturally as circles shift and people move. Sometimes I just know that there are people I need to take in small doses and that's ok.

Don't subject yourself to this person if it's making you unhappy. Sure, work on whatever is going on with you about resentment of the help he is getting, but tbh you'll probably be more successful doing that if it's not in your face all the time. Don't be unkind when you need to interact with him but don't feel like you need to prolong those interactions either.
posted by Salamandrous at 4:16 AM on May 2, 2017