Is this guy expecting something similar to what I am?
April 29, 2017 3:18 AM Subscribe
I met a guy 3 months ago. We started dating since but I'm not sure what to think. We don't see each other very frequently and sometimes I have the feeling that we don't know a lot about each other. He travels a lot for work and when he is away, communication feels a bit distant. I like this guy a lot though and I feel that I may miss out on something good if I don't give the relationship a chance to grow.
This guy is close to my 'ideal type'. He's an alternative guy but not too alternative. He's also intelligent and well-cultivated and has a great sense of humour. He likes to joke around a lot and he always makes me laugh. I like him a lot, but I'm not sure if he's going for something serious or for a casual relationship.
In the last months I have seen him just a few times. A lot of that has to do with the fact that he travels a lot for work, which I accept. I actually thought that it would be something good as it would leave me time to explore my interests. However, there are days when even though he's in town, we don't see each other. He says he's too tired to meet and has to get up early the next morning to go on another trip. I try to be understanding but I also think that if he was crazy about me, he would ask me to meet at least shortly. We could have dinner, sleep and do the normal everyday life things. It's not like I'm expecting to go out partying. Last night he came back from a one week trip, before that we had only meet for one evening, because before that one night he had been away for 10 days on another trip. That means that for a space of 17 days we only met one night and the next morning. So last night when he finally came back from his trip, I was expecting him to be all excited about seeing me as I was about seeing him. Instead he said that he wanted to watch sports and sleep. I said 'ok' and he later said that he was going to have a drink with a friend.... So not that tired in the end...
Communication is also not great when he is away. He does text me everyday but he only does it once a day and sometimes he takes 14, 16 hours to reply... His messages are not too personal either. He sends me a lot of jokes. I like his jokes but they don't make me feel connected to him. He also tells me a bit about his day and asks about mine, but sometimes he doesn't follow up on the things I said. For instance, I mentioned once to him that I had been stressed during the day and he didn't ask why. I also told him once that I had had back pain and he didn't ask after a few days how my back was. Also, I usually tell him that I was out with friends but he never asks who these friends are or where I know them form...
On the one hand, I would like to express to him that I don't like these things or that I find them odd but I'm afraid of looking very demanding. Specially because we just started dating. I am afraid that I might seem as a very high-maintenance woman and that he would run away. On the other hand, it seems unfair to me that we only meet when he is available and that I can also not plan my calendar very well because I never know when I'm going to see him or not.
On the good side, as I said before, I really like his personality, looks... He is also very nice to me when we are together, he listens to what I say and treats me very well. Mentions that he wants to do stuff together in the future. He always joins me for activities I propose and generally seems like a good person that I feel comfortable around. I know that it's not a big deal, but I rarely meet guys of which I can say that.
I do have a lot of other guys interested in me... And sometimes I think I should give them a change instead of rejecting them to spend my time with him. I am also looking for a guy to have a familly one day, and I am not sure we are at the same page on that, but then again, I don't even know if we are on the same page regarding to wanting to have a relationship. We are also people from two different countries and that adds a lot of complications to the relationship... So I do have a lot of concerns about this relationship but I don't know how to bring these concerns up or if I should...
What are your thoughts?
This guy is close to my 'ideal type'. He's an alternative guy but not too alternative. He's also intelligent and well-cultivated and has a great sense of humour. He likes to joke around a lot and he always makes me laugh. I like him a lot, but I'm not sure if he's going for something serious or for a casual relationship.
In the last months I have seen him just a few times. A lot of that has to do with the fact that he travels a lot for work, which I accept. I actually thought that it would be something good as it would leave me time to explore my interests. However, there are days when even though he's in town, we don't see each other. He says he's too tired to meet and has to get up early the next morning to go on another trip. I try to be understanding but I also think that if he was crazy about me, he would ask me to meet at least shortly. We could have dinner, sleep and do the normal everyday life things. It's not like I'm expecting to go out partying. Last night he came back from a one week trip, before that we had only meet for one evening, because before that one night he had been away for 10 days on another trip. That means that for a space of 17 days we only met one night and the next morning. So last night when he finally came back from his trip, I was expecting him to be all excited about seeing me as I was about seeing him. Instead he said that he wanted to watch sports and sleep. I said 'ok' and he later said that he was going to have a drink with a friend.... So not that tired in the end...
Communication is also not great when he is away. He does text me everyday but he only does it once a day and sometimes he takes 14, 16 hours to reply... His messages are not too personal either. He sends me a lot of jokes. I like his jokes but they don't make me feel connected to him. He also tells me a bit about his day and asks about mine, but sometimes he doesn't follow up on the things I said. For instance, I mentioned once to him that I had been stressed during the day and he didn't ask why. I also told him once that I had had back pain and he didn't ask after a few days how my back was. Also, I usually tell him that I was out with friends but he never asks who these friends are or where I know them form...
On the one hand, I would like to express to him that I don't like these things or that I find them odd but I'm afraid of looking very demanding. Specially because we just started dating. I am afraid that I might seem as a very high-maintenance woman and that he would run away. On the other hand, it seems unfair to me that we only meet when he is available and that I can also not plan my calendar very well because I never know when I'm going to see him or not.
On the good side, as I said before, I really like his personality, looks... He is also very nice to me when we are together, he listens to what I say and treats me very well. Mentions that he wants to do stuff together in the future. He always joins me for activities I propose and generally seems like a good person that I feel comfortable around. I know that it's not a big deal, but I rarely meet guys of which I can say that.
I do have a lot of other guys interested in me... And sometimes I think I should give them a change instead of rejecting them to spend my time with him. I am also looking for a guy to have a familly one day, and I am not sure we are at the same page on that, but then again, I don't even know if we are on the same page regarding to wanting to have a relationship. We are also people from two different countries and that adds a lot of complications to the relationship... So I do have a lot of concerns about this relationship but I don't know how to bring these concerns up or if I should...
What are your thoughts?
Are you two having sex? If so, I think that may be all he's looking for from you. Either way, I don't think he's that into you.
If a guy I was seeing told me he was too tired to hang out that night, but then later on told me he was going out for a drink with a friend, that would mean one of two things to me. Either he's genuinely clueless and inconsiderate, or he's well aware and playing mind games. In either case he's not that into you, AND you're dodging a bullet if you move on.
posted by blackzinfandel at 3:42 AM on April 29, 2017 [8 favorites]
If a guy I was seeing told me he was too tired to hang out that night, but then later on told me he was going out for a drink with a friend, that would mean one of two things to me. Either he's genuinely clueless and inconsiderate, or he's well aware and playing mind games. In either case he's not that into you, AND you're dodging a bullet if you move on.
posted by blackzinfandel at 3:42 AM on April 29, 2017 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I am afraid that I might seem as a very high-maintenance woman and that he would run away.
Kindly - stop this bullshit type of thinking. Of course no one wants to date someone that is controlling or wants to spend every waking second with someone - but wanting to spend SOME time with the person you're dating is NORMAL!
I hate the cliche of "if I ask for anything I'm clingy!" No, you're human. You each deserve equal things and must be able to communicate to your partner about your desires and needs to make sure you match up. You shouldn't date someone you're afraid of talking to about something as basic as wanting to see them.
This dude is likely just looking for a hookup or something on the side. It doesn't even quite sound like you're dating, more like "hey I'm in town let's hang out" type of thing. I mean, he said he was tired then went and did something else that he deemed to be worthwhile. Are you exclusive even?
I would date other dudes. I would also approach dudes as a fellow equal human and communicate your desires to them.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:53 AM on April 29, 2017 [17 favorites]
Kindly - stop this bullshit type of thinking. Of course no one wants to date someone that is controlling or wants to spend every waking second with someone - but wanting to spend SOME time with the person you're dating is NORMAL!
I hate the cliche of "if I ask for anything I'm clingy!" No, you're human. You each deserve equal things and must be able to communicate to your partner about your desires and needs to make sure you match up. You shouldn't date someone you're afraid of talking to about something as basic as wanting to see them.
This dude is likely just looking for a hookup or something on the side. It doesn't even quite sound like you're dating, more like "hey I'm in town let's hang out" type of thing. I mean, he said he was tired then went and did something else that he deemed to be worthwhile. Are you exclusive even?
I would date other dudes. I would also approach dudes as a fellow equal human and communicate your desires to them.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:53 AM on April 29, 2017 [17 favorites]
Best answer: So I do have a lot of concerns about this relationship but I don't know how to bring these concerns up or if I should...
There is a huge difference between being demanding and stating your needs.
Any time you have concerns about a relationship, you should bring them up. It breaks my heart when I see women try to put themselves into a smaller and smaller box, pushing aside their own desires so as not to appear "needy". It's so sad, and moreover it's pointless - you won't magically get what you want if you can't ask for it. He won't suddenly become a mind reader and change in the ways you want him to. He doesn't even know you're unhappy! So tell him, plainly, what you want in a relationship. And ask him, plainly, what he wants. If you can mutually meet each other's needs, great, move forward! If it turns out you're not on the same page, part ways. But you have to talk about it - otherwise you'll be living in a state of perpetual uncertainty and unhappiness.
Please read this, especially the last few paragraphs. You have a lot of worth! You deserve to be happy and it's ok to want that.
posted by yawper at 4:01 AM on April 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
There is a huge difference between being demanding and stating your needs.
Any time you have concerns about a relationship, you should bring them up. It breaks my heart when I see women try to put themselves into a smaller and smaller box, pushing aside their own desires so as not to appear "needy". It's so sad, and moreover it's pointless - you won't magically get what you want if you can't ask for it. He won't suddenly become a mind reader and change in the ways you want him to. He doesn't even know you're unhappy! So tell him, plainly, what you want in a relationship. And ask him, plainly, what he wants. If you can mutually meet each other's needs, great, move forward! If it turns out you're not on the same page, part ways. But you have to talk about it - otherwise you'll be living in a state of perpetual uncertainty and unhappiness.
Please read this, especially the last few paragraphs. You have a lot of worth! You deserve to be happy and it's ok to want that.
posted by yawper at 4:01 AM on April 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
Um...this guy is not really into you and I think you see that. You don't need to have any clarifying talks with him. If a person needs to ask "does this behavior that I do not really like indicate that this person I am seeing likes me," the short answer is no.
The longer answer is to ask yourself why you're putting up with such small crumbs. In relationships, but especially in early honeymoon days, you should never be twisting yourself into knots trying to interpret and rationalize less-than-pleasant behavior.
You are more than entitled to want what you want and this doesn't make you high maintenance. It makes you human.
You are quasi-hooking up with someone who is not demonstrating any real interest in being with you. Accept it and move on, friend. Don't ever apologize for wanting what you want, don't make yourself crazy trying to twist scraps of interest into a genuine and caring relationship.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:28 AM on April 29, 2017 [16 favorites]
The longer answer is to ask yourself why you're putting up with such small crumbs. In relationships, but especially in early honeymoon days, you should never be twisting yourself into knots trying to interpret and rationalize less-than-pleasant behavior.
You are more than entitled to want what you want and this doesn't make you high maintenance. It makes you human.
You are quasi-hooking up with someone who is not demonstrating any real interest in being with you. Accept it and move on, friend. Don't ever apologize for wanting what you want, don't make yourself crazy trying to twist scraps of interest into a genuine and caring relationship.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:28 AM on April 29, 2017 [16 favorites]
My husband travels 60% of the time. It is a lot of work to keep this type of relationship going. We often have to rely on our foundation from his pre-traveling days to get us through communication glitches. It's ok if his schedule makes him incompatible for what you need right now.
Your question seems to be focused on whether or not he likes you, but what also stands out to me is that you don't like this situation. This situation would not be OK for you (as is) whether or not he likes you. Sometimes it's not about whether or not two people like each other. It's about whether or not the situation they're in promotes growth and happiness for both parties.
posted by CMcG at 6:44 AM on April 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
Your question seems to be focused on whether or not he likes you, but what also stands out to me is that you don't like this situation. This situation would not be OK for you (as is) whether or not he likes you. Sometimes it's not about whether or not two people like each other. It's about whether or not the situation they're in promotes growth and happiness for both parties.
posted by CMcG at 6:44 AM on April 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: He has the opportunity to talk to you, and he decides not to. He has the opportunity to see you, and he decides not to. He has the opportunity to get to know you better, and he decides not to. That's really all the information you need.
It's also normal to want to talk to and see someone that you like and care about. It took me a really long time to realize that myself.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:45 AM on April 29, 2017 [11 favorites]
It's also normal to want to talk to and see someone that you like and care about. It took me a really long time to realize that myself.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:45 AM on April 29, 2017 [11 favorites]
Only saying this because i have first-hand experience of a similar situation, but - he may be married/in other relationships.
posted by bearette at 7:00 AM on April 29, 2017 [8 favorites]
posted by bearette at 7:00 AM on April 29, 2017 [8 favorites]
I'm glad bearette brought it up, because I wasn't sure I could do it tactfully. Regardless of whether or not you actually are the woman on the side, it sounds to me like that's how you're being treated.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:01 AM on April 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:01 AM on April 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
Set up some other dates, fill your calendar instead of waiting to hear when he's free. It sounds like he's happy to be with you when it suits him but he's not looking for more than what's already in place. Doesn't make him a bad person but it sounds like he is getting what he wants and you aren't, that's not fair. Have a conversation with him if you want, you can even frame it like "I want to see more of you, is that a possibility?" and give him a chance to step up, but if he doesn't don't sell yourself short.
You'll be happier with a guy who wants to spend more time with you, the superficial things like looks matter less when you are happy with someone.
posted by lafemma at 9:06 AM on April 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
You'll be happier with a guy who wants to spend more time with you, the superficial things like looks matter less when you are happy with someone.
posted by lafemma at 9:06 AM on April 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
Best answer: It is possible this guy isn't into you, or that he's juggling more than one relationship. It's also possible that he does want something serious, but is dealing with a demanding job and travel schedule right now and is introverted and needs more time to recharge than you do, etc..
I don't think you have anything to lose by having a conversation along the lines of "hey, this is fun, but what kind of relationship are you looking for, in general, and with me?" If he comes back with something along the lines of "I want something long term and I want to let things develop with you, but I just don't have a lot of time at the moment due to other pressures," you can ask about how long he thinks this situation will continue, whether he has a plan to change it (i.e. make relationships in general, and you specifically, a priority), and decide whether that's something that sounds good to you.
But, if he dodges the question, refuses to get specific, or gets defensive, you need to take that information on board, too. It can be a fine line between giving something a fair chance and putting your life on hold, but it's worth a try.
posted by rpfields at 9:06 AM on April 29, 2017
I don't think you have anything to lose by having a conversation along the lines of "hey, this is fun, but what kind of relationship are you looking for, in general, and with me?" If he comes back with something along the lines of "I want something long term and I want to let things develop with you, but I just don't have a lot of time at the moment due to other pressures," you can ask about how long he thinks this situation will continue, whether he has a plan to change it (i.e. make relationships in general, and you specifically, a priority), and decide whether that's something that sounds good to you.
But, if he dodges the question, refuses to get specific, or gets defensive, you need to take that information on board, too. It can be a fine line between giving something a fair chance and putting your life on hold, but it's worth a try.
posted by rpfields at 9:06 AM on April 29, 2017
I'm also getting vibes like bearette's. I had a friend in a similar circumstance and it turned out that on her BF's "travels" he was going home and her location was actually where he occasionally travelled to for business. Have you been to his place? If you ring his phone does he answer?
posted by kimberussell at 2:40 PM on April 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by kimberussell at 2:40 PM on April 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
I agree that this guy is using this as a convenience relationship - it doesn't actually seem like a relationship, and you clearly want more. On the one hand I agree with posters who state that you should clarify with him what he actually wants, and I guess this could be good if only to clarify that he doesn't want what you want, so you can easily move on. However, it does seem already from his behaviour that he isn't that into you and may be in other relationships. And by the way, to reinforce what others here are saying, it is NOT being demanding to state your expectations clearly. Have been there too, where I am afraid of seeming "demanding". I think though, we all know the feeling of when a guy is into you and its a nice feeling - so I would say, you deserve a lot better, it is unlikely to change, and you would be better off exploring all these great guys who are genuinely interested in you. He doesn't seem compelling enough from what you say, and you shouldn't settle anyway. Good luck!
posted by infj4 at 12:18 AM on May 1, 2017
posted by infj4 at 12:18 AM on May 1, 2017
Response by poster: Thank you all for your answers. It really helps me to read from others that it's not 'demanding' or 'being high maintenance' to state my needs, even though our relationship is still new. I hate that I feel that I have to walk on eggshells, 'cause I really like him and it doesn't happen to me that often that I like someone so much... so I don't want to push him away... but it's true that if stating my concerns respectfully pushes him away, then that means that he wasn't even into me...
To the ones that commented that he might be married or seeing someone else. I don't think so. I have been to his place several times and I don't see any signs of any other woman being there. I am also sure that he is at the places he claims to be. The website of the company where he works states that. The only thing is that we could be involved with someone from work while he is away. That's a possibility but I guess at this point I cannot really know that. I just find it sad that so early into our relationship, I am not able to trust him.
posted by Fromthesouth at 1:56 PM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
To the ones that commented that he might be married or seeing someone else. I don't think so. I have been to his place several times and I don't see any signs of any other woman being there. I am also sure that he is at the places he claims to be. The website of the company where he works states that. The only thing is that we could be involved with someone from work while he is away. That's a possibility but I guess at this point I cannot really know that. I just find it sad that so early into our relationship, I am not able to trust him.
posted by Fromthesouth at 1:56 PM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
"On the good side, as I said before, I really like his personality, look"
It sounds like you're very physically attracted to him, and that's where you're basing your relationship off of (nothing wrong with that, we all do it). However, if you're putting a premium on looks, you need to make sure you're getting what you want from the relationship.
If you stated your needs and they're not being met, end the relationship to find someone that can offer you what you want.
posted by GiveUpNed at 11:31 AM on June 23, 2017
It sounds like you're very physically attracted to him, and that's where you're basing your relationship off of (nothing wrong with that, we all do it). However, if you're putting a premium on looks, you need to make sure you're getting what you want from the relationship.
If you stated your needs and they're not being met, end the relationship to find someone that can offer you what you want.
posted by GiveUpNed at 11:31 AM on June 23, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
The guy I was dating sounds very similar, would send daily jokes and I enjoyed being together but it was too infrequent. So tell him that you would like to see him more and see if anything changes. In my cases I gave it a few more weeks and nothing changed. 5 months later I met my wonderful boyfriend and I asked him from the outset if he would be planning dates regularly with me, explaining it's importance. He said yes and has stuck to that. Maybe this guy isn't in the right place for a serious relationship right now and all you can do is meet him where e is - which may mean letting this one go and enjoying the fun times you did have!
posted by Kat_Dubs at 3:28 AM on April 29, 2017 [2 favorites]