Girlfriend checks out ex on Facebook regularly - normal?
April 28, 2017 1:49 PM Subscribe
My girlfriend searches for someone she used to have sex with, and wanted a relationship with, on Facebook. Should I be concerned?
I've been dating my girlfriend for nearly a year and have had silly issues with her that have, for the most part, been my fault, and I've realised before they became real problems. I've been concerned with the amount of casual sex she's had, who she's had it with, and even over a really dumb thing - a bit of facial hair she has.
These things used to bother me, but I think it was when I truly fell in love with her that these things didn't matter anymore. I'm so in love with her, I don't care about any of those silly things anymore. However, I've now found out something else that is also probably a silly thing, but I'd like other people's opinions just to see what you think.
So, 6 months or so before my girlfriend started dating me, she had been seeing someone else she used to work with. They had only been having sex, but he was leading her to believe that it may become more than that, and that's what she wanted. However, she saw that nothing was ever going to happen and gave up on the hope that something might happen, but still ended up having casual sex with him until a month or so before she met me.
So, fast forward nearly 1 year. We've just moved in together. I'm madly in love with her. I don't want anyone else. Everything is great. Unfortunately, another silly little thing is bothering me.
I logged onto her laptop (with her permission) and went to Facebook. I thought it had been me online last, and that it had been me who was logged on to Facebook. I clicked on the search thing, and quickly realised it was her who was logged in as this guy came up in her search (they are still friends on Facebook for some reason). I was curious, so I went to her search history (I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't stop myself) and found that she searches for this guy roughly every 3 weeks.
Is this something I should be worried about? I can honestly say that I've checked out a couple of exs a few times on Facebook, but roughly one time every year or so, and never while being in another relationship.
Is it normal that she looks him up so regularly? Should I be worried that she is still interested in him?
I know logically that it's most likely just her being curious, but I'm still a bit concerned. Does anyone else have similar experiences or any advice? Anyone's advice would be much appreciated, thanks.
I've been dating my girlfriend for nearly a year and have had silly issues with her that have, for the most part, been my fault, and I've realised before they became real problems. I've been concerned with the amount of casual sex she's had, who she's had it with, and even over a really dumb thing - a bit of facial hair she has.
These things used to bother me, but I think it was when I truly fell in love with her that these things didn't matter anymore. I'm so in love with her, I don't care about any of those silly things anymore. However, I've now found out something else that is also probably a silly thing, but I'd like other people's opinions just to see what you think.
So, 6 months or so before my girlfriend started dating me, she had been seeing someone else she used to work with. They had only been having sex, but he was leading her to believe that it may become more than that, and that's what she wanted. However, she saw that nothing was ever going to happen and gave up on the hope that something might happen, but still ended up having casual sex with him until a month or so before she met me.
So, fast forward nearly 1 year. We've just moved in together. I'm madly in love with her. I don't want anyone else. Everything is great. Unfortunately, another silly little thing is bothering me.
I logged onto her laptop (with her permission) and went to Facebook. I thought it had been me online last, and that it had been me who was logged on to Facebook. I clicked on the search thing, and quickly realised it was her who was logged in as this guy came up in her search (they are still friends on Facebook for some reason). I was curious, so I went to her search history (I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't stop myself) and found that she searches for this guy roughly every 3 weeks.
Is this something I should be worried about? I can honestly say that I've checked out a couple of exs a few times on Facebook, but roughly one time every year or so, and never while being in another relationship.
Is it normal that she looks him up so regularly? Should I be worried that she is still interested in him?
I know logically that it's most likely just her being curious, but I'm still a bit concerned. Does anyone else have similar experiences or any advice? Anyone's advice would be much appreciated, thanks.
Response by poster: I see your point @shesbenevolent, but I think the majority of the other issues I've discussed here were due to me being relatively inexperienced when it comes to relationships, and things seem to be going fine in every way at the moment, other than this discovery. Still, I'm not necessarily saying you're wrong, but I really don't want to stop seeing her.
posted by Coolcatjc at 1:56 PM on April 28, 2017
posted by Coolcatjc at 1:56 PM on April 28, 2017
People are curious and check in on any number of people at any given time.
That said, please, please exit this relationship. For having been dating less than a year, there should not be this many concerns and worries surfacing.
posted by rachaelfaith at 1:57 PM on April 28, 2017 [13 favorites]
That said, please, please exit this relationship. For having been dating less than a year, there should not be this many concerns and worries surfacing.
posted by rachaelfaith at 1:57 PM on April 28, 2017 [13 favorites]
If you don't want to stop seeing her then I don't think anyone here can help you. Your relationship is unhealthy and whether it's because of her issues or yours, it's not going to change.
Trust me, it's much better to be alone and you meet someone you can have a healthy relationship with. I look back on relationships I stayed in too long and feel sad for myself.
posted by shesbenevolent at 2:00 PM on April 28, 2017 [7 favorites]
Trust me, it's much better to be alone and you meet someone you can have a healthy relationship with. I look back on relationships I stayed in too long and feel sad for myself.
posted by shesbenevolent at 2:00 PM on April 28, 2017 [7 favorites]
I am wondering if you have untreated anxiety? Your questions about this relationship seem really cyclical.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:00 PM on April 28, 2017 [30 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 2:00 PM on April 28, 2017 [30 favorites]
Response by poster: @warriorqueen - honestly, I think I do have anxiety and yes, I don't receive treatment for this
posted by Coolcatjc at 2:04 PM on April 28, 2017
posted by Coolcatjc at 2:04 PM on April 28, 2017
Maybe she's pining after him hard. Maybe she just really bored on Facebook, and checking him out is something she does. No one on this side of the computer screen knows her motivation.
Is this normal? I don't know either. My wife leaves herself logged into Facebook all the time. I log her out so I can log in, and I don't check anything about her Facebook activity. You should try that.
posted by Leontine at 2:09 PM on April 28, 2017 [16 favorites]
Is this normal? I don't know either. My wife leaves herself logged into Facebook all the time. I log her out so I can log in, and I don't check anything about her Facebook activity. You should try that.
posted by Leontine at 2:09 PM on April 28, 2017 [16 favorites]
Maybe she's stalking her ex because she wants to get back with him or it could be something as innocuous as wanting to look back at a photo or a timeline post of his for some reason. Sometimes I see a status come up as I'm refreshing but then its gone when the refresh loads so I search that person so I can see the status.
There's really no way to tell. Have you considered asking her about it?
posted by missmagenta at 2:11 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
There's really no way to tell. Have you considered asking her about it?
posted by missmagenta at 2:11 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
Remember that there's a difference between "this is definitely not the healthiest way a person could be behaving" and "this is a thing that actually poses a threat to the happiness of my relationship". I have a former friend who I periodically Google stalk and I know, if I'm being honest with myself, that I do it to make myself feel better about the fact that she did some less-nice things to me and I want to reassure myself that I'm doing better than her. It's a vice. It is not my worst vice by a long shot.
On the other hand, the fact that you are literally unable to stop yourself from looking at her Facebook history when she has explicitly given you permission to use her computer but NOT explicit permission to log in to her Facebook account? Jesus Christ. You want to talk about things that pose a threat to the relationship? Glancing at someone's profile every couple weeks is not this kind of gigantic breach of trust. If you can't get your anxiety levels under control without using your partner's social media accounts without their consent, then you really should not be in a relationship until you're capable of dealing with those feelings appropriately.
You are not an innocent party, here, who just happened to stumble across this. You made choices and you need to deal with the fact that you're the sort of person who made choices like that. You wrote this in a way that completely minimizes your responsibility for what you've done, and that's seriously troubling. If you care about her, she deserves a better person than you're being at the moment. You're capable of being better, but are you going to be?
posted by Sequence at 2:11 PM on April 28, 2017 [60 favorites]
On the other hand, the fact that you are literally unable to stop yourself from looking at her Facebook history when she has explicitly given you permission to use her computer but NOT explicit permission to log in to her Facebook account? Jesus Christ. You want to talk about things that pose a threat to the relationship? Glancing at someone's profile every couple weeks is not this kind of gigantic breach of trust. If you can't get your anxiety levels under control without using your partner's social media accounts without their consent, then you really should not be in a relationship until you're capable of dealing with those feelings appropriately.
You are not an innocent party, here, who just happened to stumble across this. You made choices and you need to deal with the fact that you're the sort of person who made choices like that. You wrote this in a way that completely minimizes your responsibility for what you've done, and that's seriously troubling. If you care about her, she deserves a better person than you're being at the moment. You're capable of being better, but are you going to be?
posted by Sequence at 2:11 PM on April 28, 2017 [60 favorites]
If you don't treat your anxiety, it won't matter if it was every three weeks or six months or once a year or once ever. You'll still find a way to get extremely anxious about either this aspect of the relationship, or another one. This isn't a problem which exists in a vacuum and can be solved within the context of the problem itself, it's a symptom or your anxiety, manifesting as a bunch of ongoing trust issues. These trust issues will just pop back up somewhere else even if you manage to handle them in this specific case which is why really getting down to brass tacks and hashing this one out is, in many ways, a huge waste of time for the both of you. Use this as the indicator that you need to work on your anxiety above anything and everything else.
posted by griphus at 2:16 PM on April 28, 2017 [13 favorites]
posted by griphus at 2:16 PM on April 28, 2017 [13 favorites]
I often dream or wake up thinking about girls from my past and then facebook them. I've never once cheated on my wife of 24 years, came close or even considered it.
I can't say if that is applicable to you and your relationship. People are complex. Is the fact that this happens automatically trouble? All I can say is, certainly, not always.
posted by humboldt32 at 2:17 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
I can't say if that is applicable to you and your relationship. People are complex. Is the fact that this happens automatically trouble? All I can say is, certainly, not always.
posted by humboldt32 at 2:17 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
I've been dating my girlfriend for nearly a year and have had silly issues with her that have, for the most part, been my fault, and I've realised before they became real problems. I've been concerned with the amount of casual sex she's had, who she's had it with, and even over a really dumb thing - a bit of facial hair she has.
These things used to bother me, but I think it was when I truly fell in love with her that these things didn't matter anymore. I'm so in love with her, I don't care about any of those silly things anymore. However, I've now found out something else that is also probably a silly thing [..]
If she's given you no reason to doubt her faithfulness, and you already think that this is a silly thing, cut her some slack. For both of your sakes. If this is something that's going to gnaw away at you and you absolutely can't let it go, just ask her. She's probably going to be upset that you snooped her FB, as she has a right to be.
FWIW, I've been with my husband for 10+ years, and occasionally google men I was with before meeting him. I do this just to see what their lives are like because I'm nosey/bored/drunk at the time. Not because I want to bang them. God no. If I was looking to hook up outside of my relationship, I wouldn't be looking backwards, that's for sure. I guess this is a longwinded version of voting for "normal, let it go".
posted by Fig at 2:27 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
I mean, it's not any LESS normal than a boyfriend posting repeated questions about his girlfriend on Ask Metafilter. You're clearly both mildly curious about other options. Let it go or break up, don't stay in the relationship and start worrying.
posted by acidic at 2:33 PM on April 28, 2017 [19 favorites]
posted by acidic at 2:33 PM on April 28, 2017 [19 favorites]
she searches for this guy roughly every 3 weeks.
Who else does she search for roughly every 3 weeks? Anyone? Maybe she searches for lots of people frequently, not just this ex. Without more, you can't say anything pro or con about this person's searching habits.
To answer the question, yes, it's normal to search for anyone you're curious about.
posted by JimN2TAW at 2:41 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Who else does she search for roughly every 3 weeks? Anyone? Maybe she searches for lots of people frequently, not just this ex. Without more, you can't say anything pro or con about this person's searching habits.
To answer the question, yes, it's normal to search for anyone you're curious about.
posted by JimN2TAW at 2:41 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Searching on Facebook can be for any number of reasons. You say they're still friends on FB. I search all the time for people because I wanted to comment on a post I saw earlier and don't want to scroll through 100 other people's posts to get back to that one, so I go straight to their page. Sometimes I search because I thought of a thing they posted and wanted to actually read the link again. And yes, sometimes I am searching because I want to look at what they're up to.
The problem isn't her behavior, the problem is your reaction to it. Stop snooping! Work on the relationship you have and not the problems you're imagining.
posted by clone boulevard at 2:53 PM on April 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
The problem isn't her behavior, the problem is your reaction to it. Stop snooping! Work on the relationship you have and not the problems you're imagining.
posted by clone boulevard at 2:53 PM on April 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
To answer your actual question....
It's entirely possible that she's interested in some drama he's having with a current girlfriend and she's enjoying the schadenfreude. I think if facebook had been so popular the last time one of my relationships ended, I might do this.
posted by kitcat at 2:55 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
It's entirely possible that she's interested in some drama he's having with a current girlfriend and she's enjoying the schadenfreude. I think if facebook had been so popular the last time one of my relationships ended, I might do this.
posted by kitcat at 2:55 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
I think you need to cut her some slack. No person or relationship is perfect. It sounds like you have made some progress in that you have fallen in love and now see that the things that initially bothered you aren't important, but try to go a little further in accepting her as a complete and unique human. Imagine what question she would post here "my boyfriend regularly posts about me to askmetafilter, publicly revealing private information about me - normal?" If I found that someone I trusted was posting such intimate details about me publicly, I would be devastated. It would probably ruin the relationship for me. I think she deserves more consideration from you. At least ask these questions anonymously?
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:03 PM on April 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:03 PM on April 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
She could be looking for him on facebook for a million reasons:
1 - She wants to be with him and is secretly pining after him
2 - She hates him and likes to look at his facebook page while chanting mean things at his pictures
3 - He was the best lover she's ever had and she can't let go
4 - She really, REALLY likes one of his t-shirts and wants to find the exact same one to give to you one day
5 - She in secretly still in love with him and misses him and wants to see how he's doing.
I don't know man. I really really don't mean to pile on, because I know you're getting some harsh answers here, but heck - no one on the green can answer your question because none of us know the answer.
The truth is, if you are worrying about EVERY. LITTLE. THING. that ever happens in your relationship, chances are it's not working out. Either that or you've got some things you need to work on in therapy.
I mean seriously, could you imagine what your GF's Ask Meta might look like?
"My BF keeps complaining about everything I do and asking a bunch of internet strangers for advice all the time? What does it mean?"
posted by JenThePro at 3:04 PM on April 28, 2017 [10 favorites]
1 - She wants to be with him and is secretly pining after him
2 - She hates him and likes to look at his facebook page while chanting mean things at his pictures
3 - He was the best lover she's ever had and she can't let go
4 - She really, REALLY likes one of his t-shirts and wants to find the exact same one to give to you one day
5 - She in secretly still in love with him and misses him and wants to see how he's doing.
I don't know man. I really really don't mean to pile on, because I know you're getting some harsh answers here, but heck - no one on the green can answer your question because none of us know the answer.
The truth is, if you are worrying about EVERY. LITTLE. THING. that ever happens in your relationship, chances are it's not working out. Either that or you've got some things you need to work on in therapy.
I mean seriously, could you imagine what your GF's Ask Meta might look like?
"My BF keeps complaining about everything I do and asking a bunch of internet strangers for advice all the time? What does it mean?"
posted by JenThePro at 3:04 PM on April 28, 2017 [10 favorites]
If she were doing this 5 times a day, that would be one thing. Once every three weeks? I wouldn't worry about it.
posted by Slinga at 3:06 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Slinga at 3:06 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
Well, for awhile I would regularly look up this guy I had a previous relationship with who I really don't/didn't like, because I felt some professional jealousy (or maybe just competitiveness?) toward him. So it could be any number of things; I wouldn't worry about it, stay out of thorny places (like someone's search history) and treat your anxiety with a professional.
posted by stoneandstar at 3:31 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by stoneandstar at 3:31 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Please tell her you peeked at her Facebook search history. She deserves to know, especially since you just moved in together.
Seek counseling for your issues. You have committed a breach of trust, this is not normal or OK.
posted by jbenben at 3:34 PM on April 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
Seek counseling for your issues. You have committed a breach of trust, this is not normal or OK.
posted by jbenben at 3:34 PM on April 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
I'm married with kids and I still look up my ex on Facebook once in a while (mostly to see if he's better, he was not in a good place emotionally when we dated) so that's a data point.
You, however, should treat your anxiety first and reevaluate the things that you're insecure about with your current girlfriend after you have a handle on it. It breakup now and spare her the drama.
posted by lydhre at 3:35 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
You, however, should treat your anxiety first and reevaluate the things that you're insecure about with your current girlfriend after you have a handle on it. It breakup now and spare her the drama.
posted by lydhre at 3:35 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
Mate I don't know how old you are or how experienced you are so I apologise if this sounds condescending, but it seems to me from your historical questions on this subject that you are perhaps not at a time and a place within your own self to be maintaining a relationship. It also sounds like you two are maybe not the best match. It might be worth taking a breather for a while and spending some time with yourself.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:36 PM on April 28, 2017 [12 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:36 PM on April 28, 2017 [12 favorites]
Based on your question history, I would suggest you seek counseling, and potentially end your relationship with this woman. you seem to have a lot of anxieties, particularly around sex and men (as they pertain to your GF).
As others have said, it doesn't really matter why she's facebook searching an ex, and it isn't really your business. looking at someone's search history is a breach of trust, and if I found out my partner was doing this, it wold be grounds for "DTMFA", or at least a huge conversation.
You're showing a lack of trust (around this, around who she fucked before y'all proclaimed exclusivity, around her honesty about sexual experiences and desires), which doesn't bode well for your relationship. Not to mention you started this whole thing off with a sort of rude and insensitive question about facial hair that showed a real lack of maturity and communication skills.
I honestly, with zero malice, think that you need to work on communication and obsessive thoughts, preferably with a mental health care professional, so that a GF or friend doesn't have to expend the emotional labor to try to help you. It'll be a slow but worthwhile process, I promise.
posted by sazerac at 3:55 PM on April 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
As others have said, it doesn't really matter why she's facebook searching an ex, and it isn't really your business. looking at someone's search history is a breach of trust, and if I found out my partner was doing this, it wold be grounds for "DTMFA", or at least a huge conversation.
You're showing a lack of trust (around this, around who she fucked before y'all proclaimed exclusivity, around her honesty about sexual experiences and desires), which doesn't bode well for your relationship. Not to mention you started this whole thing off with a sort of rude and insensitive question about facial hair that showed a real lack of maturity and communication skills.
I honestly, with zero malice, think that you need to work on communication and obsessive thoughts, preferably with a mental health care professional, so that a GF or friend doesn't have to expend the emotional labor to try to help you. It'll be a slow but worthwhile process, I promise.
posted by sazerac at 3:55 PM on April 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Some of you may be being overly harsh, or maybe not. Regardless, I very much take on board the point about getting professional help...I think I need it. I'm going to discuss things with my girlfriend and, if we have to break up, then I'll just have to live with it. I can't live like this anymore.
posted by Coolcatjc at 4:04 PM on April 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by Coolcatjc at 4:04 PM on April 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
Hey. This is hard. I've been here. It's hard. Sometimes we just are not ready for a romantic relationship even if the person is A+. What's happening is that you have some things you need to work out and by not working them out they're manifesting in ways that aren't healthy toward your girlfriend.
Take care of yourself. Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 4:17 PM on April 28, 2017 [10 favorites]
Take care of yourself. Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 4:17 PM on April 28, 2017 [10 favorites]
All other things aside, I often look at the facebook pages of random people i knew or dated in the past, and i am not interested in dating the vast majority of the exes or friends I look at. I'm just curious about them. I also look up people i find weird or annoying, sometimes a lot, because maybe I'm curious or i want to compare myself, or gawk at how fucked up they are (not proud of that) orsome other weird thing. Looking up someone on facebook, even a lot, often has nothing to do with pining for them (at least for me)
posted by bearette at 4:25 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by bearette at 4:25 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
There's a reason an ex is an ex - and no amount of her FB stalking an ex means a reunion is going to occur. It is in your best interest to come clean to her about logging in and checking her search history. Don't downplay it, just air that dark side of your anxiety out. Confront your fear about what your anxiety is making you believe about all these things you think about in regards to her. I speak from experience on this: let the anxiety not reside in the shadowy part of your brain, let it see the light of day. And talk about your vulnerabilities not only with your GF but with someone professional who can help you reduce your reaction time of zero-to-omg-doom and get you in a healthier place of less fearful thinking.
It can be mitigated and reasonably overcome. I have been highly fortunate to have come clean to a partner who was incredibly supportive and understood how to handle anxiety-based sleuthing. We worked through so many trust issues because we got really honest with one another about what was being done versus what was being thought. YMMV, but it has worked for our particular relationship (which was not without a ton of doomy months initially) and has made us stronger several years forward.
posted by missh at 4:33 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
It can be mitigated and reasonably overcome. I have been highly fortunate to have come clean to a partner who was incredibly supportive and understood how to handle anxiety-based sleuthing. We worked through so many trust issues because we got really honest with one another about what was being done versus what was being thought. YMMV, but it has worked for our particular relationship (which was not without a ton of doomy months initially) and has made us stronger several years forward.
posted by missh at 4:33 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
You do sound anxious and this relationship sounds very stressful for you. I don't have an opinion about whether you should stay or go, but I'm just getting on to say I don't think it's such a horrible shameful crime to look at the already-logged in FB of a live in partner -- especially when they've let you use the computer and you happen to see it up and give an extra click. In my house that would be a not-unexpected outcome of leaving a site up around people I'm intimate with. I think focusing on that is a red herring. Focus on why this relationship is making you so anxious that you even feel the need to check.
posted by flourpot at 4:48 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by flourpot at 4:48 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Sounds to me (from all your questions) like your girlfriend is far more experienced in relationships than you are, and that you most likely have some kind of cultural baggage around your masculinity that makes you unable to deal with that without mistrust and anxiety.
You know in all those questions you haven't really said what it is you're in love with about her, but with everyone here I say you sound really unready for a serious romantic relationship based on trust and respect as well as attraction. Maybe she's already checking out and trying to send you a message. But you haven't described one reason she should be thrilled with a guy who judges her appearance and her sexual history and snoops on her computer and makes her compare him to her past lovers (only to find that not reassuring at all) and raises all the intimate things partners must work out for themselves and between themselves repeatedly in a public forum full of strangers.
Imagine her snooping on your laptop and reading the four questions you've posed. Could happen. Or maybe it has and that's why she's seeking out exes on Facebook.
posted by spitbull at 5:33 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
You know in all those questions you haven't really said what it is you're in love with about her, but with everyone here I say you sound really unready for a serious romantic relationship based on trust and respect as well as attraction. Maybe she's already checking out and trying to send you a message. But you haven't described one reason she should be thrilled with a guy who judges her appearance and her sexual history and snoops on her computer and makes her compare him to her past lovers (only to find that not reassuring at all) and raises all the intimate things partners must work out for themselves and between themselves repeatedly in a public forum full of strangers.
Imagine her snooping on your laptop and reading the four questions you've posed. Could happen. Or maybe it has and that's why she's seeking out exes on Facebook.
posted by spitbull at 5:33 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
And to be clear I don't think "anxiety" is causing your heartache and suspicion. I think it's a symptom of your inexperience. Somehow you have come to see women as mysterious others and their sexuality> as a threat to your ego. That is often the result of growing up in a patriarchal culture. That is what I think you need to work on and introspect about.
Do you have close women friends who are not romantic interests? If not, I've noticed that is often a sure sign of patriarchal cultural barriers to the connection you seek in a romantic partner. It's worth working really hard on not projecting an idealized set of expectations on women and then being disappointed or freaked out when they turn out to be human just like you. Patriarchy is toxic for men too.
posted by spitbull at 5:47 PM on April 28, 2017 [10 favorites]
Do you have close women friends who are not romantic interests? If not, I've noticed that is often a sure sign of patriarchal cultural barriers to the connection you seek in a romantic partner. It's worth working really hard on not projecting an idealized set of expectations on women and then being disappointed or freaked out when they turn out to be human just like you. Patriarchy is toxic for men too.
posted by spitbull at 5:47 PM on April 28, 2017 [10 favorites]
Thanks for the answer.
Here's what I think. I think you get anxious (probably not your fault) and then you pick at her behavior like your relationship's health depends on whether you are the sole beneficiary of her sexuality (not cool.)
So yes I think you need a therapist to ask:
1. Why am I so anxious about the relationship?
2. Why do I think it's ok to go and pick at my girlfriend's sexual past and present when I am anxious? How do I stop?
Good luck!
posted by warriorqueen at 5:52 PM on April 28, 2017
Here's what I think. I think you get anxious (probably not your fault) and then you pick at her behavior like your relationship's health depends on whether you are the sole beneficiary of her sexuality (not cool.)
So yes I think you need a therapist to ask:
1. Why am I so anxious about the relationship?
2. Why do I think it's ok to go and pick at my girlfriend's sexual past and present when I am anxious? How do I stop?
Good luck!
posted by warriorqueen at 5:52 PM on April 28, 2017
I look up certain exes from time to time and think this is totally normal. Sometimes it's "HE had a KID!?!" (snoop through more photos) "Huh, maybe he finally grew up! He looks pretty happy. Well, good for him." Sometimes I enjoy finding out that Sir What-Was-I-Thinking is a living example of "you get the face you deserve," and I have a good cathartic sneer.
If my partner and I were talking about exes, which we do, and he said "Last time I peeked at her FB, she was claiming to be a Pynchon expert. But the hilarious thing is, she was doing that when we were together, and I knew she couldn't make heads or tails of The Crying of Lot 49 -- she just thought he was cool, and apparently still does," I would have a laugh at that, and I would not pause for even a moment to think "Wait, he's still looking her up? WTF?"
However. We share electronics openly. If I found out I was handing him my logged-in-everywhere iPad, and he was looking at my history on it, I would freak out. He would have ruined so much trust between us, and I would be deeply hurt. (As is, he uses one browser and I use another, out of browser preferences and because it means we can stay logged in without having to keep switching accounts on sites we both use. Very useful for couples {etc} who share devices!)
You shouldn't even know what she does on FB apart from what she shares on her page or tells you. Your snooping -- and keeping track like that -- is unhealthy here. If you want to have a healthy relationship, counselling for the anxiety should be on your to-do list. And I agree with jbenben -- you should come clean about this; she needs to know her privacy was repeatedly violated. She can't make informed decisions about the relationship without having all pertinent information known to her.
posted by kmennie at 6:12 PM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
If my partner and I were talking about exes, which we do, and he said "Last time I peeked at her FB, she was claiming to be a Pynchon expert. But the hilarious thing is, she was doing that when we were together, and I knew she couldn't make heads or tails of The Crying of Lot 49 -- she just thought he was cool, and apparently still does," I would have a laugh at that, and I would not pause for even a moment to think "Wait, he's still looking her up? WTF?"
However. We share electronics openly. If I found out I was handing him my logged-in-everywhere iPad, and he was looking at my history on it, I would freak out. He would have ruined so much trust between us, and I would be deeply hurt. (As is, he uses one browser and I use another, out of browser preferences and because it means we can stay logged in without having to keep switching accounts on sites we both use. Very useful for couples {etc} who share devices!)
You shouldn't even know what she does on FB apart from what she shares on her page or tells you. Your snooping -- and keeping track like that -- is unhealthy here. If you want to have a healthy relationship, counselling for the anxiety should be on your to-do list. And I agree with jbenben -- you should come clean about this; she needs to know her privacy was repeatedly violated. She can't make informed decisions about the relationship without having all pertinent information known to her.
posted by kmennie at 6:12 PM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
I don't think you necessarily need to break up with her. It seems as if you are asking questions and actually listening to the answers on here with all your questions. That is great. These people are quite reasonable and smart. Good for you.
You are ready to accept that this is another 'silly' (maybe anxiety driven) question and are open to that. That's great as well.
She may be obsessing a bit because she was rejected. She may check up on lots of people and that's the way she uses Facebook. We don't know. This is the 'tell her what you did and ask her what it means part'.
You can do it!
posted by Vaike at 6:37 PM on April 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
You are ready to accept that this is another 'silly' (maybe anxiety driven) question and are open to that. That's great as well.
She may be obsessing a bit because she was rejected. She may check up on lots of people and that's the way she uses Facebook. We don't know. This is the 'tell her what you did and ask her what it means part'.
You can do it!
posted by Vaike at 6:37 PM on April 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
And anxiety sucks, and can ruin/distort relationships. Work on that and everything else will fall more easily into place.
posted by Vaike at 6:39 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Vaike at 6:39 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
I have been happily married for ten years and I still check out my exes on Facebook once in a while. I'm not pining for them, I'm just curious. Sometimes I'm nostalgic, even. It doesn't mean I want to get back with them. It's pretty human and normal to reminisce, and Facebook is a powerful mirror.
I agree that you sound very inexperienced and unprepared for a serious relationship. Trust is really important. If your partner wants to be with you, you have to trust that she means it, and that means you can't do stuff like this. You are not building trust with this kind of thinking and behavior.
Think of it this way. If your girlfriend posted a question here that said "my boyfriend of 1 year has been snooping around my Facebook history, is that normal" the almost unaminous responses would be NOPE. NOPE. DTMFA
posted by Doleful Creature at 9:14 PM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
I agree that you sound very inexperienced and unprepared for a serious relationship. Trust is really important. If your partner wants to be with you, you have to trust that she means it, and that means you can't do stuff like this. You are not building trust with this kind of thinking and behavior.
Think of it this way. If your girlfriend posted a question here that said "my boyfriend of 1 year has been snooping around my Facebook history, is that normal" the almost unaminous responses would be NOPE. NOPE. DTMFA
posted by Doleful Creature at 9:14 PM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
I don't really read this as anxiety, but rather insecurity. If you genuinely felt secure, you wouldn't worry about these things so I would look at how to improve on that.
Your post is basically asking if other people think she might be thinking about this other guy/determining what threat there is.
My answer is, yes, clearly she is thinking about him on occasion. But I don't think that is necessarily indicative of anything sinister. At the end of the day - you are unlikely to be the only person she has ever had shared intimacy with. She is not going to forget the past and I think it is a mistake to be intimidated by the fact that she might think about other people now and again. So what she thought about him and looked him up, so what if something that happened between them has stayed with her....you don't get to erase that simply because you're in a relationship with her now.
If you have a genuine concern that she is being unfaithful or that she is unhappy in your relationship in a way that means she is not committed or feeling fulfilled then that is what you should be tackling.
Trying to extrapolate her motivations from this is pointless. Either confront her, discuss your insecurity and invasion into her privacy or move on, choose to work on your own insecurity/trusting her fully and start accepting that monogamy doesn't mean she has to sacrifice memory, nostalgia, curiosity, past intimacies and fantasies that pose no threat to your relationship.
posted by TheGarden at 12:01 AM on April 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
Your post is basically asking if other people think she might be thinking about this other guy/determining what threat there is.
My answer is, yes, clearly she is thinking about him on occasion. But I don't think that is necessarily indicative of anything sinister. At the end of the day - you are unlikely to be the only person she has ever had shared intimacy with. She is not going to forget the past and I think it is a mistake to be intimidated by the fact that she might think about other people now and again. So what she thought about him and looked him up, so what if something that happened between them has stayed with her....you don't get to erase that simply because you're in a relationship with her now.
If you have a genuine concern that she is being unfaithful or that she is unhappy in your relationship in a way that means she is not committed or feeling fulfilled then that is what you should be tackling.
Trying to extrapolate her motivations from this is pointless. Either confront her, discuss your insecurity and invasion into her privacy or move on, choose to work on your own insecurity/trusting her fully and start accepting that monogamy doesn't mean she has to sacrifice memory, nostalgia, curiosity, past intimacies and fantasies that pose no threat to your relationship.
posted by TheGarden at 12:01 AM on April 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
Whenever there's someone who I'm friends with on Facebook who I search for a lot, it's someone who I've unfollowed but remained friends with because I find them interesting enough that otherwise I'd reply enthusiastically to everything they'd post and annoy them. So I unfollow them and check in occasionally. It's a healthy thing to do.
So if she's like me, she's interested in this ex because the ex is interesting, and also interested in maintaining sensible healthy interest in them, not passive gawking. It's the opposite of what it looks like.
posted by ambrosen at 3:14 AM on April 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
So if she's like me, she's interested in this ex because the ex is interesting, and also interested in maintaining sensible healthy interest in them, not passive gawking. It's the opposite of what it looks like.
posted by ambrosen at 3:14 AM on April 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
It occurred to me that you also cast around at options on the internet when you are feeling stressed in the relationship - maybe every month or so?
When I was having the 'this new guy seems to be a bit of a problem, and is making my life difficult' or I was feeling neglected, ignored and sad, I would go do that thing of looking up recent ex's FB page. I wasn't even 'friends' with him, and he was terrible overall, but he also did have a kind of hold over me emotionally because he was very good at some things that I missed. This desire to check out his page attended pretty closely the conflict times I was having in my new relationship. Maybe you could think about how that kind of discontented feeling plays in each of your lives - you are on Ask often, and she is checking out her ex bf roughly in similar times.
Conflict makes us doubt, second guess and catastrophise. The situation where you have looked at her FB page is a symptom of this second-guessing. When you go looking, you are going to find something. You can't just let yourself love her, and be loved. So I think you know what you need to do, therapy.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:16 AM on April 29, 2017
When I was having the 'this new guy seems to be a bit of a problem, and is making my life difficult' or I was feeling neglected, ignored and sad, I would go do that thing of looking up recent ex's FB page. I wasn't even 'friends' with him, and he was terrible overall, but he also did have a kind of hold over me emotionally because he was very good at some things that I missed. This desire to check out his page attended pretty closely the conflict times I was having in my new relationship. Maybe you could think about how that kind of discontented feeling plays in each of your lives - you are on Ask often, and she is checking out her ex bf roughly in similar times.
Conflict makes us doubt, second guess and catastrophise. The situation where you have looked at her FB page is a symptom of this second-guessing. When you go looking, you are going to find something. You can't just let yourself love her, and be loved. So I think you know what you need to do, therapy.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:16 AM on April 29, 2017
In your last question about her a month ago, I literally wrote:
I mean, people here can tell you ad infinitum that your GF is okey dokey and you should stay with her, but then you'll be back in a few weeks with another question about some thing where you feel unhappy, but how would we feel?
The larger issue, and the one you're ignoring, is that you are 100% entitled to however the heck you feel. It doesn't matter how we feel about her and her actions. You need to accept that you feel however you do, and that's FINE. Your instincts are your little internal warning signals -- respect them and follow them.
And here you are again. I'm saying this kindly: you really need to figure out why you're not owning your stuff and trusting your instincts. You'll feel so much better when you develop that confidence. Endlessly crowdsourcing for appropriate reactions isn't helping you, but trusting your instincts will.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:18 AM on April 29, 2017 [9 favorites]
I mean, people here can tell you ad infinitum that your GF is okey dokey and you should stay with her, but then you'll be back in a few weeks with another question about some thing where you feel unhappy, but how would we feel?
The larger issue, and the one you're ignoring, is that you are 100% entitled to however the heck you feel. It doesn't matter how we feel about her and her actions. You need to accept that you feel however you do, and that's FINE. Your instincts are your little internal warning signals -- respect them and follow them.
And here you are again. I'm saying this kindly: you really need to figure out why you're not owning your stuff and trusting your instincts. You'll feel so much better when you develop that confidence. Endlessly crowdsourcing for appropriate reactions isn't helping you, but trusting your instincts will.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:18 AM on April 29, 2017 [9 favorites]
Should I be concerned?
My best advice is that you should figure out exactly what it would take to make you want to walk away from this relationship - in other words, define your dealbreakers - then make a deliberate choice to avoid actively seeking evidence of wrongdoing. Work on yourself until sticking to that deliberate choice becomes habitual, then stay in the relationship for as long as neither of you actually commits any of the other's dealbreakers.
For what it's worth, one of my own dealbreakers would be for a partner to assume a right to dictate who I may associate with, and how often, and in what manner, on the apparent grounds that my explicit promise of sexual exclusivity is not one I am actually capable of keeping. I wouldn't waste my life trying to be vulnerable and intimate with a person who regards my own integrity and self-control with such manifest contempt.
posted by flabdablet at 10:51 AM on April 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
My best advice is that you should figure out exactly what it would take to make you want to walk away from this relationship - in other words, define your dealbreakers - then make a deliberate choice to avoid actively seeking evidence of wrongdoing. Work on yourself until sticking to that deliberate choice becomes habitual, then stay in the relationship for as long as neither of you actually commits any of the other's dealbreakers.
For what it's worth, one of my own dealbreakers would be for a partner to assume a right to dictate who I may associate with, and how often, and in what manner, on the apparent grounds that my explicit promise of sexual exclusivity is not one I am actually capable of keeping. I wouldn't waste my life trying to be vulnerable and intimate with a person who regards my own integrity and self-control with such manifest contempt.
posted by flabdablet at 10:51 AM on April 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
So hey. I'm going to be blunt here. You remind me of me when I was in a really one-sided relationship where I was desperate for the guys approval and validation (wrong, bad Dimes, ugh) but he kept me at arms length with one hand, while pulling me closer with the other.
Comparison to exes? check. Checking up on his past? check. He didn't tell me I wasn't the best sex he ever had in so many words, but he had this wistfulness about his past relationships and partners that made me feel as if I would never be enough. He did tell me once he missed having 'someone who understood him,' like his ex once. I remember thinking that our entire relationship was me bending over to try to understand him. Man, that hurt. He had this, 'if not you then it'll just be someone else,' attitude about us, that while absolutely realistic and true--is not something you're supposed to spell out to someone you love and loves you, like ever. It ended really painfully, too. Nobody was unscathed. I'm sure we're both still injured by it, it was that bad.
I don't think it's all her-- I think you absolutely have terrible anxiety you should work on-- and so did I -- but being in a bad relationship exacerbated my anxiety a hundredfold. Despite 'loving' each other, I found myself constantly looking to him for reassurance (again bad, validation is within, bla bla etc), which he never gave at all, which left me locked in an anxiety spiral. Towards the end, I sure as hell still loved him, but I was so miserable that I couldn't describe any part of it as 'love' any longer. So your posts just hit home with me. I'm getting flashbacks, seriously. And I think that you have an anxious attachment style, and hers is avoidant, and it locks you both into this catch 22, where your anxiety makes her push harder, which makes you want to pull, which makes her push... ad infinitum. I feel this will eventually spell the end of your relationship. You guys are terribly unsuited, and I feel that this is going to end really painfully. I'm really sorry.
But I know you're not going to listen to me, you're going to keep going forward with this because despite all the prior advice you've gotten, you love each other etc. And I get it. I loved him; I really did. I wanted him to be 'the one,' my love for him felt so deep and so strong. It fucked with me, this notion of 'deep love' -- I became addicted to his attention, I craved it, and I lost myself in the process. But what I didn't know then, which I know now, is that sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes we crave the things that are the worst for us. I'm sure that if circumstances hadn't pushed us violently apart, I'd still be stuck, and still be miserable. It's so incredibly tough to get out of, to walk a way from someone you love. So the only advice I can give you is to work on yourself as much as you can. Manage your anxiety, stat. Work on your issues with your attitudes towards women and work on your self esteem. Despite whether this relationship lasts, your anxiety about everything will be 100% a self fulfilling prophecy at this rate.
But I digress. To answer your question, there's no real 'normal' -- there's just what works for you, and your partner, mutually. But sometimes, people check up on their past without it truly meaning anything. yes. Also, sometimes the more abrupt the breakup, the stronger the temptation is to check up on the person that broke your heart. It's like a roller-coaster, and those kinda relationships stay with you. Being rejected is traumatic for some, especially if you are sensitive. And despite me being happy in a fantastic relationship now, you wanna know the only ex I sometimes feel the urge to check up on? You guessed it. The guy I was most anxious with. It still gets to me sometimes, and it's been 3 plus years now. But it doesn't mean I want in on it still, and it doesn't mean I have lingering feelings. It was just a big part of my life, and it left a lot of scars, and it lingers occasionally, especially when I am wallowing a bit. There are residual bits I am working through, and it gets easier as time goes by. It helps I don't give in and go look, too.
BUT -- Whether or not it means something in this case, nobody can answer for you because we're not her, dude. With this and all the other problems you have in this relationship, I think it's time to get some distance. Sigh. I wish you the best.
posted by Dimes at 2:07 PM on April 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
Comparison to exes? check. Checking up on his past? check. He didn't tell me I wasn't the best sex he ever had in so many words, but he had this wistfulness about his past relationships and partners that made me feel as if I would never be enough. He did tell me once he missed having 'someone who understood him,' like his ex once. I remember thinking that our entire relationship was me bending over to try to understand him. Man, that hurt. He had this, 'if not you then it'll just be someone else,' attitude about us, that while absolutely realistic and true--is not something you're supposed to spell out to someone you love and loves you, like ever. It ended really painfully, too. Nobody was unscathed. I'm sure we're both still injured by it, it was that bad.
I don't think it's all her-- I think you absolutely have terrible anxiety you should work on-- and so did I -- but being in a bad relationship exacerbated my anxiety a hundredfold. Despite 'loving' each other, I found myself constantly looking to him for reassurance (again bad, validation is within, bla bla etc), which he never gave at all, which left me locked in an anxiety spiral. Towards the end, I sure as hell still loved him, but I was so miserable that I couldn't describe any part of it as 'love' any longer. So your posts just hit home with me. I'm getting flashbacks, seriously. And I think that you have an anxious attachment style, and hers is avoidant, and it locks you both into this catch 22, where your anxiety makes her push harder, which makes you want to pull, which makes her push... ad infinitum. I feel this will eventually spell the end of your relationship. You guys are terribly unsuited, and I feel that this is going to end really painfully. I'm really sorry.
But I know you're not going to listen to me, you're going to keep going forward with this because despite all the prior advice you've gotten, you love each other etc. And I get it. I loved him; I really did. I wanted him to be 'the one,' my love for him felt so deep and so strong. It fucked with me, this notion of 'deep love' -- I became addicted to his attention, I craved it, and I lost myself in the process. But what I didn't know then, which I know now, is that sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes we crave the things that are the worst for us. I'm sure that if circumstances hadn't pushed us violently apart, I'd still be stuck, and still be miserable. It's so incredibly tough to get out of, to walk a way from someone you love. So the only advice I can give you is to work on yourself as much as you can. Manage your anxiety, stat. Work on your issues with your attitudes towards women and work on your self esteem. Despite whether this relationship lasts, your anxiety about everything will be 100% a self fulfilling prophecy at this rate.
But I digress. To answer your question, there's no real 'normal' -- there's just what works for you, and your partner, mutually. But sometimes, people check up on their past without it truly meaning anything. yes. Also, sometimes the more abrupt the breakup, the stronger the temptation is to check up on the person that broke your heart. It's like a roller-coaster, and those kinda relationships stay with you. Being rejected is traumatic for some, especially if you are sensitive. And despite me being happy in a fantastic relationship now, you wanna know the only ex I sometimes feel the urge to check up on? You guessed it. The guy I was most anxious with. It still gets to me sometimes, and it's been 3 plus years now. But it doesn't mean I want in on it still, and it doesn't mean I have lingering feelings. It was just a big part of my life, and it left a lot of scars, and it lingers occasionally, especially when I am wallowing a bit. There are residual bits I am working through, and it gets easier as time goes by. It helps I don't give in and go look, too.
BUT -- Whether or not it means something in this case, nobody can answer for you because we're not her, dude. With this and all the other problems you have in this relationship, I think it's time to get some distance. Sigh. I wish you the best.
posted by Dimes at 2:07 PM on April 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
There are comments here recommending therapy and in internal hard look at the relationship, and I agree with them, but taking you at your word that you love her and just need to figure this out:
1. Dump the question. Maybe she's looking at him to laugh at his horribleness and think how lucky she is with you. Maybe she's just curious. It doesn't matter. Her internet activity is her choice and doesn't require your approval or monitoring.
2. Have a conversation about computer privacy (where you admit this). That's an important thing o keep straight when you live together. My SO and I use each other's phones and computers and it's no big deal. Sometimes we may this see a text come in or recently watched video. This is all fine. On the other hand, it would be not-cool for the other person to go through our messages and search history. Not because there is anything we are hiding - because it's just our private lives. Different people have different structures (I know couples who constantly read each other's messages because there are keeping tabs on family, and couples who'd think borrowing a charged phone for YouTube would be a gross violation.) Whatever rules you come up with are okay to you two. They do, however, require that you then keep to them AND are honest about any past snooping.
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 8:46 AM on April 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
1. Dump the question. Maybe she's looking at him to laugh at his horribleness and think how lucky she is with you. Maybe she's just curious. It doesn't matter. Her internet activity is her choice and doesn't require your approval or monitoring.
2. Have a conversation about computer privacy (where you admit this). That's an important thing o keep straight when you live together. My SO and I use each other's phones and computers and it's no big deal. Sometimes we may this see a text come in or recently watched video. This is all fine. On the other hand, it would be not-cool for the other person to go through our messages and search history. Not because there is anything we are hiding - because it's just our private lives. Different people have different structures (I know couples who constantly read each other's messages because there are keeping tabs on family, and couples who'd think borrowing a charged phone for YouTube would be a gross violation.) Whatever rules you come up with are okay to you two. They do, however, require that you then keep to them AND are honest about any past snooping.
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 8:46 AM on April 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by shesbenevolent at 1:52 PM on April 28, 2017 [38 favorites]