I made a major social faux pas - do I tell the truth or a white lie?
April 28, 2017 12:57 PM Subscribe
I tried to arrange a get together with old friends but offended one friend's SO in the process. As a result neither my friend or their SO will attend. Should I be honest or tell a white lie about the reason?
My close friend, who lives quite far away, is coming to the city where most of our friends still live. It is a very rare occasion that we are all in one place so I decided to arrange a get together. It was always like this back in the day - I was always the one to create social events that we could all attend together, or it would hardly ever happen.
My visiting friend is the only person in our group now without a partner. Going on a conversation from last month, she is keenly aware of this, she is struggling with her last break up and is still struggling with the death of a friend in our group - delayed grief you might say.
I invested quite a lot of time into finding something fun to do in the city and arranged a dinner and a concert for us all. When a longtime friend asked if he could also bring his girlfriend I genuinely felt my friend would now be too overwhelmed with couples - and, I now realise wrongly, asked if he could come by himself this one time, explaining why. He agreed it was the right thing to do on this occasion and said he would see us there. (Just FYI I am the only to have ever met his SO and she has never been friendly towards me or his other female friends from what I have seen, but that is not the reason.)
But tonight he contacted me to say he had had a huge fight with his girlfriend, who felt unwelcome, and would no longer be attending. I actually got very tearful, feeling I had done the wrong thing. I tried to explain my reasons behind not wanting to overwhelm our friend with couples and offered to add my friend's SO to the reservation, but his SO declined. I feel pretty awful now. Should I tell my friend the truth about why he is no longer attending or tell a white lie (like he forgot about a prior engagement/sick?)
My close friend, who lives quite far away, is coming to the city where most of our friends still live. It is a very rare occasion that we are all in one place so I decided to arrange a get together. It was always like this back in the day - I was always the one to create social events that we could all attend together, or it would hardly ever happen.
My visiting friend is the only person in our group now without a partner. Going on a conversation from last month, she is keenly aware of this, she is struggling with her last break up and is still struggling with the death of a friend in our group - delayed grief you might say.
I invested quite a lot of time into finding something fun to do in the city and arranged a dinner and a concert for us all. When a longtime friend asked if he could also bring his girlfriend I genuinely felt my friend would now be too overwhelmed with couples - and, I now realise wrongly, asked if he could come by himself this one time, explaining why. He agreed it was the right thing to do on this occasion and said he would see us there. (Just FYI I am the only to have ever met his SO and she has never been friendly towards me or his other female friends from what I have seen, but that is not the reason.)
But tonight he contacted me to say he had had a huge fight with his girlfriend, who felt unwelcome, and would no longer be attending. I actually got very tearful, feeling I had done the wrong thing. I tried to explain my reasons behind not wanting to overwhelm our friend with couples and offered to add my friend's SO to the reservation, but his SO declined. I feel pretty awful now. Should I tell my friend the truth about why he is no longer attending or tell a white lie (like he forgot about a prior engagement/sick?)
You did not do the wrong thing.
I think you should be truthful and say that friend had a fight with his girlfriend and was dealing with the fallout. It's a little bit omitting the circumstance, but it's not a lie, either.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:03 PM on April 28, 2017 [15 favorites]
I think you should be truthful and say that friend had a fight with his girlfriend and was dealing with the fallout. It's a little bit omitting the circumstance, but it's not a lie, either.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:03 PM on April 28, 2017 [15 favorites]
I don't think you did the wrong thing. This wasn't necessarily the best situation for this guy to introduce his GF to your group. They had a fight for their own reasons, it isn't your fault!
I would just tell the group he couldn't make it and leave it at that for now.
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 1:09 PM on April 28, 2017 [18 favorites]
I would just tell the group he couldn't make it and leave it at that for now.
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 1:09 PM on April 28, 2017 [18 favorites]
Telling her the real reason does nothing but spread drama. Adults do not spread drama. Just tell her he can't come and leave it at that.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:10 PM on April 28, 2017 [68 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 1:10 PM on April 28, 2017 [68 favorites]
As a general rule: don't make up a cover story for someone else than they don't know about, especially when you can say nothing to the same effect as having a cover.
posted by griphus at 1:10 PM on April 28, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by griphus at 1:10 PM on April 28, 2017 [10 favorites]
His relationship drama is none of your concern, as are his reasons for not attending.
Aside from not overwhelming your friend with couples, it sounds like this is a gathering of a close circle of friends of which this girlfriend is not a member, its perfectly reasonable to have not invited her. There's an appropriate time and place to welcome new members of the circle and it sounds like this wasn't it.
However, since there's a chance the truth will get out I would stay as close to it as possible - but *only* if asked. Say you invited him but his girlfriend was upset that you didn't invite her, you offered to add her to the reservation but that wasn't good enough so neither of them are coming (its also very possible that this situation will change between now and the event, either she'll get over it and they'll both come or he'll decide he wants to see his friend and come without her)
I wouldn't offer any explanation of why you chose not to invite her. If pressed, I would say that its because no-one else in the group has met her and this occasion is supposed to be about friend and not other friend's girlfriend.
posted by missmagenta at 1:10 PM on April 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
Aside from not overwhelming your friend with couples, it sounds like this is a gathering of a close circle of friends of which this girlfriend is not a member, its perfectly reasonable to have not invited her. There's an appropriate time and place to welcome new members of the circle and it sounds like this wasn't it.
However, since there's a chance the truth will get out I would stay as close to it as possible - but *only* if asked. Say you invited him but his girlfriend was upset that you didn't invite her, you offered to add her to the reservation but that wasn't good enough so neither of them are coming (its also very possible that this situation will change between now and the event, either she'll get over it and they'll both come or he'll decide he wants to see his friend and come without her)
I wouldn't offer any explanation of why you chose not to invite her. If pressed, I would say that its because no-one else in the group has met her and this occasion is supposed to be about friend and not other friend's girlfriend.
posted by missmagenta at 1:10 PM on April 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
Uh, dude was not entitled to invite his GF along in the first place, especially to a "long-distance friends get-together" kind of special event. You didn't do anything wrong.
But, to keep the peace, "couldn't make it" is the answer you give if anyone asks. No need to volunteer if they don't.
posted by praemunire at 1:11 PM on April 28, 2017 [29 favorites]
But, to keep the peace, "couldn't make it" is the answer you give if anyone asks. No need to volunteer if they don't.
posted by praemunire at 1:11 PM on April 28, 2017 [29 favorites]
Should I tell my friend the truth about why he is no longer attending or tell a white lie (like he forgot about a prior engagement/sick?)
neither -- say he couldn't come but he sends his love.
it's not totally clear whether everybody else will be there with a partner, and only this one woman was excluded, or if nobody's partner was invited and this one woman was the only partner to get pissy about it. the latter situation is not your faux pas.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:12 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
neither -- say he couldn't come but he sends his love.
it's not totally clear whether everybody else will be there with a partner, and only this one woman was excluded, or if nobody's partner was invited and this one woman was the only partner to get pissy about it. the latter situation is not your faux pas.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:12 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Don't lie, but try to search for a framing of the truth that let's this die:
"I spoke with him recently and he won't be here."
"He changed his mind."
"He had a conflict."
For a lot of reasons, honesty is the best policy. But you don't necessarily need to give the whole truth to everyone, all the time. There simply isn't enough time in the day for that. You do not need to turn every single social occasion into a court case on your soul.
A polite, honest but vague explanation can help reduce the drama for all involved. Getting into his relationship drama -- well, the group can't fix that and them feeling somehow responsible or whatever doesn't accomplish anything.
posted by Michele in California at 1:14 PM on April 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
"I spoke with him recently and he won't be here."
"He changed his mind."
"He had a conflict."
For a lot of reasons, honesty is the best policy. But you don't necessarily need to give the whole truth to everyone, all the time. There simply isn't enough time in the day for that. You do not need to turn every single social occasion into a court case on your soul.
A polite, honest but vague explanation can help reduce the drama for all involved. Getting into his relationship drama -- well, the group can't fix that and them feeling somehow responsible or whatever doesn't accomplish anything.
posted by Michele in California at 1:14 PM on April 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
You didn't do anything wrong - your friend's GF is either fairly entitled, oblivious or both. Even though you said it's not the reason you didn't include her, she's not owed an invite if she doesn't make an effort with his friends.
As for how you explain this to your close friend...simply don't? He couldn't make it, no is a complete sentence, etc. Don't fan the drama flames by explaining that they had a fight.
posted by blerghamot at 1:14 PM on April 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
As for how you explain this to your close friend...simply don't? He couldn't make it, no is a complete sentence, etc. Don't fan the drama flames by explaining that they had a fight.
posted by blerghamot at 1:14 PM on April 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
Uh, dude was not entitled to invite his GF along in the first place, especially to a "long-distance friends get-together" kind of special event. You didn't do anything wrong.
Agreed. You did your best and please try not to beat yourself up over this. Sometimes people don't like the cards they are dealt and this may have picked some scab in their relationship that you knew nothing about but it seems like you tried to do a decent thing for a friend. You can't always make everyone happy. Just be vague "Can't make it but I know he'd love to see you when you're in town" (if true) is a friendly way to make it clear that it's got nothing to do with her.
posted by jessamyn at 1:14 PM on April 28, 2017 [8 favorites]
Agreed. You did your best and please try not to beat yourself up over this. Sometimes people don't like the cards they are dealt and this may have picked some scab in their relationship that you knew nothing about but it seems like you tried to do a decent thing for a friend. You can't always make everyone happy. Just be vague "Can't make it but I know he'd love to see you when you're in town" (if true) is a friendly way to make it clear that it's got nothing to do with her.
posted by jessamyn at 1:14 PM on April 28, 2017 [8 favorites]
Where her = your friend and not your friend's girlfriend (who it also has nothing to do with, but is less your concern). And concur with what DarlingBri and others have said, the drama can stop with you. Have fun.
posted by jessamyn at 1:27 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by jessamyn at 1:27 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Your friend's fight with his girlfriend is his private business, and telling everyone about it would be an invasion of his privacy. I think that would be the real faux pas? Just say he can't make it.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:33 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:33 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
I love what you did. Thank you, on behalf of all people-who-have-been-sensitive-about-being-uncoupled-and-also-just-wanted-time-to-catch-up-with-their-close-friends.
Honestly, while I agree with everyone that the high road here is to just say "he wanted to come but he couldn't unfortunately and he sends his love"; I would be more likely to tell her the truth, ie "I envisioned it as a reunion for just our crew and so I didn't invite SOs, but apparently that offended Bob's gf, so he's bailing to appease her." Because I doubt this is the last time that Bob's gf is going to prevent him from making it, one way or another.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:45 PM on April 28, 2017 [11 favorites]
Honestly, while I agree with everyone that the high road here is to just say "he wanted to come but he couldn't unfortunately and he sends his love"; I would be more likely to tell her the truth, ie "I envisioned it as a reunion for just our crew and so I didn't invite SOs, but apparently that offended Bob's gf, so he's bailing to appease her." Because I doubt this is the last time that Bob's gf is going to prevent him from making it, one way or another.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:45 PM on April 28, 2017 [11 favorites]
I have some questions -
My visiting friend is the only person in our group now without a partner.
How big is this group? 3-5-7?
Are they bringing their SO's (who were not part of your original group) to this event? I ask because if so, then I don't see why she is the one to get left out.
When a longtime friend asked if he could also bring his girlfriend I genuinely felt my friend would now be too overwhelmed with couples -
I know you meant well, but FYI - if she is the only one without a partner, she will feel the third wheel regardless if there are 2 couples or 5 couples or 10 couples.
But tonight he contacted me to say he had had a huge fight with his girlfriend, who felt unwelcome
You say you "asked if he could come by himself this one time" which seems she's been invited to these group gatherings before. I would feel unwelcome too if I was left out all of a sudden.
(Just FYI I am the only to have ever met his SO and she has never been friendly towards me or his other female friends from what I have seen, but that is not the reason.)
Are you sure it isn't one of the reasons? Why did you mention it at all?
I agree with what everyone else says, you don't need to air your dirty laundry, just say he's not coming. For all you know he's told others in the group what you did and any lie will be a contradiction and digging a bigger hole.
No good deed goes unpunished.
posted by NoraCharles at 1:49 PM on April 28, 2017 [7 favorites]
My visiting friend is the only person in our group now without a partner.
How big is this group? 3-5-7?
Are they bringing their SO's (who were not part of your original group) to this event? I ask because if so, then I don't see why she is the one to get left out.
When a longtime friend asked if he could also bring his girlfriend I genuinely felt my friend would now be too overwhelmed with couples -
I know you meant well, but FYI - if she is the only one without a partner, she will feel the third wheel regardless if there are 2 couples or 5 couples or 10 couples.
But tonight he contacted me to say he had had a huge fight with his girlfriend, who felt unwelcome
You say you "asked if he could come by himself this one time" which seems she's been invited to these group gatherings before. I would feel unwelcome too if I was left out all of a sudden.
(Just FYI I am the only to have ever met his SO and she has never been friendly towards me or his other female friends from what I have seen, but that is not the reason.)
Are you sure it isn't one of the reasons? Why did you mention it at all?
I agree with what everyone else says, you don't need to air your dirty laundry, just say he's not coming. For all you know he's told others in the group what you did and any lie will be a contradiction and digging a bigger hole.
No good deed goes unpunished.
posted by NoraCharles at 1:49 PM on April 28, 2017 [7 favorites]
If other people generally bring their SOs, I think you made a mistake. This is sort of like telling someone with a new baby not to bring the baby because someone is depressed about infertility. I've been depressed about being single - I get it - but it's not fair to expect other people to curtail their social lives. Someone who can't stand to be around couples should stay home.
If SOs are not otherwise invited, I think it's a different matter - but since that doesn't appear to be your reason, I still think you made a mistake.
I would not tell your friend. Knowing that people got in a fight because someone felt so sorry for you being single that they didn't think you could be around couples - I'd find that humiliating and would find it hard to attend events with these people in the future.
Your heart was in the right place though, so don't beat yourself up. Everyone makes mistakes.
posted by FencingGal at 1:55 PM on April 28, 2017 [9 favorites]
If SOs are not otherwise invited, I think it's a different matter - but since that doesn't appear to be your reason, I still think you made a mistake.
I would not tell your friend. Knowing that people got in a fight because someone felt so sorry for you being single that they didn't think you could be around couples - I'd find that humiliating and would find it hard to attend events with these people in the future.
Your heart was in the right place though, so don't beat yourself up. Everyone makes mistakes.
posted by FencingGal at 1:55 PM on April 28, 2017 [9 favorites]
I would avoid mentioning this directly to Visiting Friend. "Something came up" or "He forgot he had a scheduling conflict" isn't really a lie.
I will speak up a little bit to offer the Girlfriend's POV - if this is an event where other people could bring boyfriends and girlfriends that were not already close to Visiting Friend? ...if I were Girlfriend and the reason given to me was that there were already 'too many couples,' I'd think that was kind of a bullshit reason.
If all the others invited are well known to Visiting Friend and it really is getting the old band back together, then please disregard! But if not, then be honest with yourself that it's not that your group had suddenly hit Significant Other Capacity, it's also that Girlfriend has been coming across as unfriendly and unpleasant in past interactions. It's OK to admit that Girlfriend hasn't been a nice person to be around. An unfortunate fact of friends seriously partnering off is that sometimes they'll choose people who aren't a good match with the friend group. Just be aware that you'll likely have to deal with this scenario again in the future, and the polite options will typically default to "invite both of them" or "invite neither."
posted by castlebravo at 2:04 PM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
I will speak up a little bit to offer the Girlfriend's POV - if this is an event where other people could bring boyfriends and girlfriends that were not already close to Visiting Friend? ...if I were Girlfriend and the reason given to me was that there were already 'too many couples,' I'd think that was kind of a bullshit reason.
If all the others invited are well known to Visiting Friend and it really is getting the old band back together, then please disregard! But if not, then be honest with yourself that it's not that your group had suddenly hit Significant Other Capacity, it's also that Girlfriend has been coming across as unfriendly and unpleasant in past interactions. It's OK to admit that Girlfriend hasn't been a nice person to be around. An unfortunate fact of friends seriously partnering off is that sometimes they'll choose people who aren't a good match with the friend group. Just be aware that you'll likely have to deal with this scenario again in the future, and the polite options will typically default to "invite both of them" or "invite neither."
posted by castlebravo at 2:04 PM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
Your loyalty to Single Friend came from a place of concern and that's not wrong, but you're seriously underestimating the potential drama of Couple Friends.
IME as you move into your mid-late 20s people get into more serious relationships, so if one partner is already feeling touchy about "is this forever" and "will your parents and friends like me" and "did I get invited to your sister's wedding" this is a recipe for DISASTER EXPLOSION if you snub that partner.
Generally speaking people go through three stages (Yeah I'm just pulling this out of my ass, but I think a lot of people will agree this is true)
Stage 1: Teenager/young 20s. GF/BF is not the true center of loyalty. The friend group is the true center of loyalty. All other obligations will be sacrificed to the Friend Group.
Stage 2: 25 to 35 ish. Couples couples couples! Couple Bubble is more important than Friend Group. Are we getting MARRIED???? Friend Group can wait for this important matter to be decided. Plus 1 drama galore!
Stage 3: 35+ - Don't care, please take my spouse so I can have a night to myself.
Maybe just expect a lot of self-righteous couple drama going forward and take the path of least resistance.
posted by stockpuppet at 2:25 PM on April 28, 2017 [11 favorites]
IME as you move into your mid-late 20s people get into more serious relationships, so if one partner is already feeling touchy about "is this forever" and "will your parents and friends like me" and "did I get invited to your sister's wedding" this is a recipe for DISASTER EXPLOSION if you snub that partner.
Generally speaking people go through three stages (Yeah I'm just pulling this out of my ass, but I think a lot of people will agree this is true)
Stage 1: Teenager/young 20s. GF/BF is not the true center of loyalty. The friend group is the true center of loyalty. All other obligations will be sacrificed to the Friend Group.
Stage 2: 25 to 35 ish. Couples couples couples! Couple Bubble is more important than Friend Group. Are we getting MARRIED???? Friend Group can wait for this important matter to be decided. Plus 1 drama galore!
Stage 3: 35+ - Don't care, please take my spouse so I can have a night to myself.
Maybe just expect a lot of self-righteous couple drama going forward and take the path of least resistance.
posted by stockpuppet at 2:25 PM on April 28, 2017 [11 favorites]
I agree that this is not drama that you have caused. If the gf is this upset over not being able to attend, there's likely something else going on in that relationship, and you have nothing to do with their issues. If I was told by my SO that I wasn't invited to something because of #reasons I would, if I'm being honest, probably harumph about it for a bit but I wouldn't forbid him from going. And if a longtime friend of mine was coming to town and my SO told me I couldn't see them? If it was someone I'd been sleeping with I'd honor SO's veto but otherwise, sorry, I'm going.
As for making excuses for friend? I agree to be vague - "he couldn't make it, I'm not really sure what happened" and let friend do his own emotional labor of explaining why he didn't turn up.
posted by vignettist at 2:33 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
As for making excuses for friend? I agree to be vague - "he couldn't make it, I'm not really sure what happened" and let friend do his own emotional labor of explaining why he didn't turn up.
posted by vignettist at 2:33 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
I feel like this really depends on whether other friends were invited with SOs or not. Your phrase regarding being overwhelmed with couples makes it sound like your friend is the only person in a couple being asked not to bring their SO. If that's the case, I could understand the girlfriend feeling unwelcome as that could seem like you're specifically excluding her. OP, can you clarify?
posted by peacheater at 3:06 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by peacheater at 3:06 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
Metafilter: I disagree with many of the above commenters.
I think your mistake was assuming that your visiting friend's possible feelings were something you had to plan for and accommodate. If I were your visiting friend, I'd feel like you made assumptions about me that you should have talked to me about.
posted by Mo Nickels at 3:45 PM on April 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
I think your mistake was assuming that your visiting friend's possible feelings were something you had to plan for and accommodate. If I were your visiting friend, I'd feel like you made assumptions about me that you should have talked to me about.
posted by Mo Nickels at 3:45 PM on April 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: To expand: originally it was just myself, my boyfriend and one other friend, Matt, that visiting friend is staying with, that was meant to be coming. Visiting friend had said she wanted to meet my boyfriend and Matt said he was also keen. During this conversation with Matt, he mentioned he and his gf were still long distance/she was rarely in our city. He said we should do something: him, visiting friend, plus me and my boyfriend this weekend.
A couple of days ago Matt surprised me by saying his gf would be visiting and could she join our plans. So now I'm thinking arg - it's starting to become too couply but ok. RE our friend who is no longer attending, he has never brought his girlfriend to meet us so I assumed it would be the same story this time. Obviously not.
It is possible that I made assumptions about my friend's feelings. At the same time, I know her pretty well. Bear in mind, the headspace I had to arrange this whole thing plus deal with the social intricacies in a busy working week were minimal.
Finally, I have told visiting friend that friend with SO can no longer make it. At the same time he has contacted her privately to see if they can meet on another day. She has subtly suggested that she may not want to continue with couply plans now anyway and we have made plans to hang out beforehand anyway. Lesson learned, we all make errors. We will do whatever she wants to do.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 3:56 PM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
A couple of days ago Matt surprised me by saying his gf would be visiting and could she join our plans. So now I'm thinking arg - it's starting to become too couply but ok. RE our friend who is no longer attending, he has never brought his girlfriend to meet us so I assumed it would be the same story this time. Obviously not.
It is possible that I made assumptions about my friend's feelings. At the same time, I know her pretty well. Bear in mind, the headspace I had to arrange this whole thing plus deal with the social intricacies in a busy working week were minimal.
Finally, I have told visiting friend that friend with SO can no longer make it. At the same time he has contacted her privately to see if they can meet on another day. She has subtly suggested that she may not want to continue with couply plans now anyway and we have made plans to hang out beforehand anyway. Lesson learned, we all make errors. We will do whatever she wants to do.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 3:56 PM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
Let me respectfully suggest you go find the emotional labor thread on the blue and read it (or reread it, whichever applies) and try to stop with letting everyone else's feelings be your problem. This is a weird thing women are expected to do and it doesn't have to be that way.
posted by Michele in California at 4:02 PM on April 28, 2017 [12 favorites]
posted by Michele in California at 4:02 PM on April 28, 2017 [12 favorites]
I came in to say what peacheater said. After reading the update, I think you were in the wrong here. You effectively invited Matt's SO, who you had never met, and then specifically excluded your other friend's SO, who you had.
If you had said no SO's at all, I think that would have been fine. But you allowed one and excluded the other, and that's the problem.
If I were in your shoes, I would be honest with and apologize in person to both the excluded SO, your friend who is no longer attending and the friend from out of town, explaining that you were trying to do the right thing, overthought it and ended up excluding the SO unfairly.
I would disagree that it's creating drama at this point to just own it and apologize.
posted by cnc at 4:09 PM on April 28, 2017
If you had said no SO's at all, I think that would have been fine. But you allowed one and excluded the other, and that's the problem.
If I were in your shoes, I would be honest with and apologize in person to both the excluded SO, your friend who is no longer attending and the friend from out of town, explaining that you were trying to do the right thing, overthought it and ended up excluding the SO unfairly.
I would disagree that it's creating drama at this point to just own it and apologize.
posted by cnc at 4:09 PM on April 28, 2017
Response by poster: I did not invite Matt's SO, I felt cornered when he asked if she could come. I included my own SO because visiting friend specifically said she wanted to meet him. Furthermore, my SO has had a terrible week with multiple stressful things happening and asked to spend time with me. I was trying to accomodate everyone.
I have apologised to my friend and asked him to extend my apologies to his SO also. My intentions were well placed, even if I didn't get it right. I never see my friend with SO in person anymore since his relationship began.
If I am asked further about it, I will be honest. But I agree with a previous poster that to explain to out of town friend would only make her feel worse about the situation. I own up to the mistake and feel upset about it. At the same time I think I deserve some credit for being the only in the group who at least tried to find something fun for visiting friend to do...as she always does the same for us when visiting her. Speaking of emotional labour, the males in the group never organise anything (sorry guys). Thanks for all the thoughts.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 4:24 PM on April 28, 2017
I have apologised to my friend and asked him to extend my apologies to his SO also. My intentions were well placed, even if I didn't get it right. I never see my friend with SO in person anymore since his relationship began.
If I am asked further about it, I will be honest. But I agree with a previous poster that to explain to out of town friend would only make her feel worse about the situation. I own up to the mistake and feel upset about it. At the same time I think I deserve some credit for being the only in the group who at least tried to find something fun for visiting friend to do...as she always does the same for us when visiting her. Speaking of emotional labour, the males in the group never organise anything (sorry guys). Thanks for all the thoughts.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 4:24 PM on April 28, 2017
Best answer: You know what? This was a tricky situation to navigate, you did your best and maybe didn't make the best decision. We've all been there. I think apologizing was the right thing to do, but I think that being an enormous drama llama and not accepting the apology was not too cool. You had a perfectly understandable conflict - "is this getting too overwhelming to my bereaved friend" - and made the best call you could.
Going forward, I think that probably worrying less about people being overwhelmed and the finer nuances of attending things is probably a good idea. I have discovered (I too am a "how can I manage this so that everyone is maximally Not Uncomfortable by preempting problems" person) that most of the time, most people are more resilient than I think, and when things go off the rails, it's usually something I did not predict at all.
Just say that your friend couldn't make it. Later, apologize to him and the GF once more, emphasizing that you made a mistake while trying to keep things simple for your bereaved friend. Then, you've done your best. If your other friends ask, tell them that you made a mistake because you overplanned a little about your bereaved friend's comfort, and that you've apologized.
This just seems like one of those crummy friend conflicts that occur sometimes, not a sign that you are terrible, etc. Apologize, move on, forgive yourself, let it go. We all make minor mistakes and unintentionally hurt people from time to time, just as we are all hurt sometimes by friends and (hopefully) find it in our hearts to forgive them.
posted by Frowner at 4:33 PM on April 28, 2017 [16 favorites]
Going forward, I think that probably worrying less about people being overwhelmed and the finer nuances of attending things is probably a good idea. I have discovered (I too am a "how can I manage this so that everyone is maximally Not Uncomfortable by preempting problems" person) that most of the time, most people are more resilient than I think, and when things go off the rails, it's usually something I did not predict at all.
Just say that your friend couldn't make it. Later, apologize to him and the GF once more, emphasizing that you made a mistake while trying to keep things simple for your bereaved friend. Then, you've done your best. If your other friends ask, tell them that you made a mistake because you overplanned a little about your bereaved friend's comfort, and that you've apologized.
This just seems like one of those crummy friend conflicts that occur sometimes, not a sign that you are terrible, etc. Apologize, move on, forgive yourself, let it go. We all make minor mistakes and unintentionally hurt people from time to time, just as we are all hurt sometimes by friends and (hopefully) find it in our hearts to forgive them.
posted by Frowner at 4:33 PM on April 28, 2017 [16 favorites]
I own up to the mistake and feel upset about it. At the same time I think I deserve some credit for being the only in the group who at least tried to find something fun for visiting friend to do.
I think you are handling this exactly right. Please feel just a little upset, not devastated, since this is only partially your fault (other friends also have a responsibility for the actions and reactions). You did what you could, now forgive yourself for the mistake, give yourself a big pat on the back for all of your efforts and move onto to have a great visit with your out of town friend.
posted by metahawk at 6:25 PM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
I think you are handling this exactly right. Please feel just a little upset, not devastated, since this is only partially your fault (other friends also have a responsibility for the actions and reactions). You did what you could, now forgive yourself for the mistake, give yourself a big pat on the back for all of your efforts and move onto to have a great visit with your out of town friend.
posted by metahawk at 6:25 PM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
Just to be clear, I think you absolutely deserve credit for organizing the event and for trying to do the right thing by everyone. It's not an all or nothing, black and white situation, and my apologies if I made it sound that way. "I was honestly trying to do the right thing, and it just went wrong," is pretty powerful, as far as I'm concerned.
posted by cnc at 11:21 PM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by cnc at 11:21 PM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 1:00 PM on April 28, 2017 [53 favorites]