I rocked the boat and now I'm scared. How do I process this emotion.
April 24, 2017 9:08 PM   Subscribe

I participated in a social justice initiative at work. The initiative unexpectedly became very public, very quickly, over the course of this past week. I'm in a vulnerable stage of my career. I'm terrified of the potential backlash. How can I become one of those people who so fearlessly stand up for their beliefs?

As you can imagine, the initiative can be read as a critique on existing structures for producing and perpetuating racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. We had significant support and feedback (that we could be more thoughtful here and there), but have also been on the receiving end of quite a bit of criticism (that we were arrogant and idealistic) and anger (some thought they were under attack when we didn't mean to).

Most of the people who are immediately relevant to my career (mentors, supervisor, etc.) have been silent on the issue-- they've neither given support nor criticized. In their silence, I became increasingly paranoid, and I am now terrified that I've just ruined my career.

I think some of that fear is real; some circumstantial. It's too late to anonymize myself or to pull out of the initiative or undo what happened. How do I deal with this crushing fear?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
What do you mean participated at work? This was a company initiative? If so, then why would your supervisor be upset? Or do you mean that you used company time to participate in the initiative? Then that's a disciplinary problem.
posted by AFABulous at 9:27 PM on April 24, 2017 [5 favorites]


Oh man. Crushing fear. I'm sorry! Well first things first: good for you! But a few thoughts on things you might try to mitigate this crushing fear:

- Check your assumptions? Ask the most approachable, e.g., your supervisor, what they think and how others are reacting. More info might be helpful.

- Turn a negative into a positive, or at least do some damage control? Dialogue goes a long way, especially since it sounds like misunderstandings occurred (e.g., you don't sound arrogant, sheesh!). You could reach out to anyone your supervisor says was offended, or anyone whose views you care about, ask for a meeting, and add some context while focusing on the relationship. This would be a lot of work but could possibly help your career if handled well.

- Get psychological? Maybe consider whether there are reasons in your personal history that are causing you to react with such heightened levels of emotion. Sometimes finding these things can help me realize that it's not this situation that I'm reacting to. (Were you always the good kid, for example?)

- Get sociological and political? What's really happening, in one way, is that dynamics of social power and control are playing out upon and within -- you challenged the structures of power, and now, parts of your institution, even parts of your own self, are punishing you. So this reaction is not one that can be avoided -- it's the very essence of what it feels like to be successfully rocking the boat -- and if you want to continue boat rocking, finding a way to breathe into it will be crucial. Now start finding your political allies?

Just a brainstorm of possible ideas. Hope you feel better soon.
posted by salvia at 9:31 PM on April 24, 2017 [14 favorites]


What do you mean participated at work?
I took it to mean a non-company-sponsored initiative, spearheaded by employees, to get the workplace to address some kind of bias or injustice in its own practices. Not a corporate diversity initiative, but not some external hobby unrelated to the job.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 9:36 PM on April 24, 2017 [3 favorites]


You don't offer up many specifics which makes it difficult to offer advice.

It *could* be that your superiors are seeing this as something that is filled with drama and rather than stoking the fire they're staying quiet so that it'll go away and everyone can get back to work.

If we go off of what ArbitraryAndCapricious assumed, it's possible that people are annoyed that instead of talking to people or going to HR you and others just kicked up a fuss that ended up catching people off guard which might have led them to feel directly and unjustly attacked. Again, I don't know the situation, maybe you did try to talk to people.

If you did what I think you did (I was guilty of doing something similar when I was younger), I don't think the right approach is to "fearlessly stand up for [your] beliefs." The world isn't black and white and these are your coworkers. Don't turn it into a crusade against perceived evils. I think the best thing to do for whatever change you're trying to champion is to apologize to those who you think you actually wronged (if you think it's prudent), let this die down, and then try to connect/befriend/just talk with those who you're trying to change or lead by example. Brash displays of demonstration and protest often catch people's eyes but don't do much to change underlying thinking IME.
posted by bluelight at 9:55 PM on April 24, 2017 [2 favorites]


Without knowing too many details, it is difficult to say what the best way to proceed is. But I want to say, from my experience, you are likely not alone in thinking these issues needed to be addressed. I guarantee there were other people in the room who were relieved that you said something. It's always good to start a dialogue. Hopefully you will find some allies among your colleagues.
posted by shalom at 10:24 PM on April 24, 2017 [3 favorites]


Did others participate in the initiative with you? Have you spoken to them about the reaction and potential backlash? That might help you calibrate how much of this is a genuine concern and how much is you working yourself up. If they're more experienced (in your organization or in social justice work more generally), they may also have some specific advice for you on how to handle the fallout. Even if they don't, you might be able to strategise together.
posted by une_heure_pleine at 12:25 AM on April 25, 2017 [3 favorites]


Unless there's actually some evidence that there will be negative career consequences, the thing to do is probably just acknowledge to yourself that you did a thing, and now move forward with your responsibilities and your career. I suspect that a little part-time crusading gets ignored in the long run for someone that doesn't appear to make that the focus of their time on the clock.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 3:22 AM on April 25, 2017 [6 favorites]


I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Maybe it would help to think that a backlash was inevitable, because people who are helping to perpetuate sexism, racism, homophobia, etc. a) don't like to be called on it and b) might not want the status quo to change - so in a perverse way, the response you've gotten suggests that your actions are on the right track! The fact that you also had significant support and feedback shows that those of you who were brave enough to take action weren't the only ones unhappy with how things are. If it helps at all, this random internet stranger thinks you did a good thing and admires you for taking action.

Without details about your career and specific role in this initiative it's hard to say for sure what the consequences will be, but I really do hope that you'll focus on the people who have responded with support, not those who are angry. And I think it's VERY easy to read silence in the worst possible way, when 99% of the time what you're imagining isn't even close to what's actually going on; towards that end, if you do have a mentor or supervisor that you trust, I'd set up some time to get their input on the matter and ask for their thoughts on what, if any, action you should take now. From what you wrote it also sounds like you were not the leader of this initiative; if so, I'd also suggest you talk to that leader and ask for their perspective and advice.

If I were a betting woman, I would put money on this not impacting your career negatively - it seems intense to you now because you're right in the middle of it, but I bet a month from now it will be behind you, and I hope that at that point all that remains is a sense of pride that you did what felt right to you (and hopefully, there will be some actual change that comes of it). Honestly, I'd rather work with someone who is principled enough to stand up for what they believe in than someone who toes the company line even when that line is harming people, and I have to think that there are others in your industry that feel the same way.

You did a good thing. Wishing you the best.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:09 AM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]


Are you sure your supervisor, mentor, etc actually know what's going on? In my experience, many people at a certain level of seniority in big organizations start to ignore things like this. What feels to you like a potentially career-ending kerfuffle may appear to them as a flash in the pan everyone will have forgotten next week - or they may not have even heard about it.

I know a handful of people who've left my company after participating in social justice things that didn't end as they hoped. In all cases, they seem happier where they are now. It didn't make them less employable; it meant they got more attention from employers whose values aligned better with theirs. So even if you get permanently​ branded as a boat-rocker in your industry (not likely) you may find there are a bunch of companies that actually have open positions they'd love a boat-rocker to fill.
posted by potrzebie at 7:21 AM on April 25, 2017 [3 favorites]


Consider the worst (realistic) case scenario. You would survive it. Just think about what you would do if, say, you got canned tomorrow. Since this isn't actually happening, you don't have to be upset by it. It's just a scenario that you're pondering. You would move on. You would do something else. Whatever crushing anxiety that you are feeling right now is just something that your mind is putting you through. It is not real. The sweeping majority of people don't know and wouldn't care if you had maybe made a mistake with regard to some initiative. Seriously. It's a good thing. Almost nobody gives a shit.

You are guided by good passions. You will have your values no matter what, which is more than can be said for a lot of people. Whatever has transpired will only allow you to learn more about how to succeed better next time.
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:50 AM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]


I agree with several of the commenters above and in particular with une_heure_pleine.

To further potrzebie's question: before this initiative, did you have the kind of relationship with your supervisor and mentors that would let you ask them what they thought of your strategy & tactics for your work? If so, then it's okay to ask them for feedback on how you went about this initiative. At this point they may have positive or negative or neutral feedback for you but might be unsure about how to bring it up, especially if they are straight, cis, white, and/or male and are not sure whether it's their place to talk about social justice activist tactics. But if you invite their (private) feedback, and make room for them to say "I'm uncomfortable" or "that was great" or "I'm concerned about how effective this particular initiative is likely to be" or what have you, then you have more data and you can move forward based on that.
posted by brainwane at 10:17 AM on April 25, 2017


Please feel free to send me a MeMail, if you like. I did something similar at work which eventually made it to the press. I'm very happy to talk through the crisis management aspects of this, as well as how to transition back to "business as usual."
posted by whitewall at 2:26 PM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]


My experience with big corporations is that they talk the talk of free speech but can't be relied on to walk the walk. So I understand your concern.

It's possible that the best you can do is hunker down and wait it out. However, in your place, I would generate in my head the most orderly presentation of facts that I can, and, if I have to make a statement or defend myself, I do so in a fact-based way without anger and without pointing fingers.
posted by SemiSalt at 6:01 PM on April 25, 2017


Without specifics, it is really hard to say. But, a few thoughts:

Let the matter drop. Do not bring it up yourself.

If at all possible, try to communicate the idea that advocating for change was in no way intended to attack specific people.

There was a comedian who said something about the Cosby case and it went viral. Instead of arguing with the world, he said something like "Wow, that blew up fast." I find that approach helpful: Stating explicitly that you did not expect and were not looking for this much attention can help it die down. If people keep harping on it, put on repeat that you did not expect and were not looking for this to blow up like this. "And, now, if you will excuse me, I have work to do."

I will suggest that you NOT bring it up with superiors. Instead, journal and look for books, articles and movies about real life incidents that might help you process this.

As noted above, the big reaction you are getting suggests you hit a nerve. My therapist used to say "If you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, the one that yelps is probably the one you hit." So, take some comfort in the idea that you must have said something fairly on target or it wouldn't have gotten crazy.

If people give you crap about it, it is best to stand by your recommendations, but it might help to say something like "I have never done anything like this before. I wish I knew how to handle this more diplomatically. There was no intent to attack anyone. Perhaps if I were more experienced, I could have communicated my points better."

Basically, it is okay to apologize for not being smooth, but if you believe in the recommendations made, do not retract them. It will not get you out of hot water. It will just prove you can be bullied.
posted by Michele in California at 5:25 PM on April 26, 2017 [2 favorites]


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