Getting triggered in my kid's therapy session
April 23, 2017 6:05 PM Subscribe
I get triggered in my kid's parent sessions that support my kid's therapy. The therapist is annoyed. Am I doing it wrong?
My kid is in therapy. This is our third therapist over the past several years. Therapist seems great. We have parent sessions sometimes, so that Therapist can coach me on working with Kid. Sometimes, we get into difficult conversations about things Kid and I have experienced. I get triggered. Therapist is super annoyed by this and will say things like, "And ShockPoppet has left the building!" or "Aaaaaannnnnnd you're gone!"
Therapist does this as soon as I get triggered. I notice when I get triggered and would normally just take a second or two to ground myself. But Therapist instead is basically calling me out for it and is getting annoyed and complaining it makes the work harder. I have asked Therapist why this matters, given I have my own therapist who I have been with a long time and I am making great progress.
Now Therapist says that Therapist thinks they are doing family therapy, because I get triggered! I don't understand this at all. If I had diabetes and my insulin fluctuated, Therapist would not automatically become my doctor. If I had an allergic reaction to the scented candles in the room, Therapist would not become my allergist. If I couldn't focus or pay attention or was hyperfocusing, Therapist would not become my ADHD psychologist. You know?
Therapist is now concerned that they have to be both my therapist and that of my Kid and now there's a conflict. I don't understand this at all. I'm there to support Kid's therapy. I have my own counsellor, who I see 1-2x a week! It's not like I am dangling around, with no support, completely dysregulated or something. My own counsellor and I do not understand this problem at all and I don't understand why Kid's Therapist thinks that me experiencing my disability somehow makes them responsible for me. I mean, I could have just never said anything about my own disability and maybe Kid's Therapist would just think I'm having a facial expression! I feel like I'm getting judged and it's just so awful to have someone say that I left the building. It's not like I'm unaware of my triggers and I certainly take them back and discuss with my own counsellor.
Am I missing something? It seems pretty unprofessional to mock me for getting triggered. I get that maybe it affects our work, but so would me leaving the room to use the washroom if I had a bladder problem or something. To me, it's just a disability we have to work around. I did ask Therapist if they are used to having a parent have their own therapist and they admitted this is unusual, so maybe they are used to having to take care of parents or something.
Am I missing some cardinal rule of therapy here?
My kid is in therapy. This is our third therapist over the past several years. Therapist seems great. We have parent sessions sometimes, so that Therapist can coach me on working with Kid. Sometimes, we get into difficult conversations about things Kid and I have experienced. I get triggered. Therapist is super annoyed by this and will say things like, "And ShockPoppet has left the building!" or "Aaaaaannnnnnd you're gone!"
Therapist does this as soon as I get triggered. I notice when I get triggered and would normally just take a second or two to ground myself. But Therapist instead is basically calling me out for it and is getting annoyed and complaining it makes the work harder. I have asked Therapist why this matters, given I have my own therapist who I have been with a long time and I am making great progress.
Now Therapist says that Therapist thinks they are doing family therapy, because I get triggered! I don't understand this at all. If I had diabetes and my insulin fluctuated, Therapist would not automatically become my doctor. If I had an allergic reaction to the scented candles in the room, Therapist would not become my allergist. If I couldn't focus or pay attention or was hyperfocusing, Therapist would not become my ADHD psychologist. You know?
Therapist is now concerned that they have to be both my therapist and that of my Kid and now there's a conflict. I don't understand this at all. I'm there to support Kid's therapy. I have my own counsellor, who I see 1-2x a week! It's not like I am dangling around, with no support, completely dysregulated or something. My own counsellor and I do not understand this problem at all and I don't understand why Kid's Therapist thinks that me experiencing my disability somehow makes them responsible for me. I mean, I could have just never said anything about my own disability and maybe Kid's Therapist would just think I'm having a facial expression! I feel like I'm getting judged and it's just so awful to have someone say that I left the building. It's not like I'm unaware of my triggers and I certainly take them back and discuss with my own counsellor.
Am I missing something? It seems pretty unprofessional to mock me for getting triggered. I get that maybe it affects our work, but so would me leaving the room to use the washroom if I had a bladder problem or something. To me, it's just a disability we have to work around. I did ask Therapist if they are used to having a parent have their own therapist and they admitted this is unusual, so maybe they are used to having to take care of parents or something.
Am I missing some cardinal rule of therapy here?
Have you already tried telling Therapist "When I say I'm X, could you just wait quietly for 40 seconds while I work through it myself?"
posted by amtho at 6:34 PM on April 23, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by amtho at 6:34 PM on April 23, 2017 [5 favorites]
I would try amtho's solution (except I would add the phrase "without mocking me?"), but the very next time it happened I'd be up and out, end of discussion except for the Yelp review.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:38 PM on April 23, 2017 [27 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 6:38 PM on April 23, 2017 [27 favorites]
Kid Therapist is not doing it right.
Talk to Your Therapist about how to approach Kid Therapist, 1:1, with what Your Therapist and you think would be a better way for Kid Therapist to respond or ignore when you have a trigger reaction.
If Kid Therapist doesn't do that, they are not acting in the best interests of you and your child. Find somone else.
posted by ITravelMontana at 6:40 PM on April 23, 2017 [9 favorites]
Talk to Your Therapist about how to approach Kid Therapist, 1:1, with what Your Therapist and you think would be a better way for Kid Therapist to respond or ignore when you have a trigger reaction.
If Kid Therapist doesn't do that, they are not acting in the best interests of you and your child. Find somone else.
posted by ITravelMontana at 6:40 PM on April 23, 2017 [9 favorites]
Any mental health professional must learn to check the impulse to practice their profession on people who have not engaged them for those services. Check whatever paperwork you may have signed, but this should not be a negotiation, much less an intimidation process -- you don't consent to their idea of treatment for their idea of your problems, the end. That is not what you meet with them for. it is somewhere between officially unethical and unofficially ridiculous, and they are trading on your concern for your child and the importance of their therapeutic relationship with your child to ensure you tolerate this wildly disrespectful behavior.
If they really are great with your kid and your kid has no complaints and you trust them, then fine, but a basic understanding of professional boundaries is something you have a right to require in someone you leave your child with on a regular basis.
I'm not sure if your child is present for these sessions or not -- if so, it is pretty upsetting for most kids to see other people bullying their parents; if not, I would wonder if she thinks your trigger reactions occur around your child and might be disturbing to them? but this is pretty obviously not the way to discuss that and sounds hostile and condescending on top of it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:42 PM on April 23, 2017 [6 favorites]
If they really are great with your kid and your kid has no complaints and you trust them, then fine, but a basic understanding of professional boundaries is something you have a right to require in someone you leave your child with on a regular basis.
I'm not sure if your child is present for these sessions or not -- if so, it is pretty upsetting for most kids to see other people bullying their parents; if not, I would wonder if she thinks your trigger reactions occur around your child and might be disturbing to them? but this is pretty obviously not the way to discuss that and sounds hostile and condescending on top of it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:42 PM on April 23, 2017 [6 favorites]
Honestly, I think that the thing you're missing is that your child's therapist is an inconsiderate, disrespectful, unprofessional asshole.
As a point of comparison, a few years back, my child was in a study about childhood anxiety and depression. Part of it was a therapy session that included the parents. I realize in retrospect that I was not infrequently triggered by it, and the therapists--who were, again, students doing research!--were, to a one, sympathetic and well-versed in how to handle it, even though I didn't realize what was happening. (They would, for example, allow me time and emotional room to handle things myself while they refocused my child's attention on them, for example, and made sure that there were tissues in arm's reach.)
What your child's therapist is doing sounds actively cruel and disrespectful to you, and is modeling for your child that this is an ok way to treat both you and anyone else who ever needs to take a minute for themselves. You and your child both deserve better than this.
posted by mishafletch at 6:52 PM on April 23, 2017 [37 favorites]
As a point of comparison, a few years back, my child was in a study about childhood anxiety and depression. Part of it was a therapy session that included the parents. I realize in retrospect that I was not infrequently triggered by it, and the therapists--who were, again, students doing research!--were, to a one, sympathetic and well-versed in how to handle it, even though I didn't realize what was happening. (They would, for example, allow me time and emotional room to handle things myself while they refocused my child's attention on them, for example, and made sure that there were tissues in arm's reach.)
What your child's therapist is doing sounds actively cruel and disrespectful to you, and is modeling for your child that this is an ok way to treat both you and anyone else who ever needs to take a minute for themselves. You and your child both deserve better than this.
posted by mishafletch at 6:52 PM on April 23, 2017 [37 favorites]
Response by poster: (I'm still reading, but just wanted to jump in to say my sessions are totally separate, so Kid sees/hears none of this and Therapist has said they don't bring it up to Kid. And it's not that I'm there to talk about me - but I might react to the Therapist bringing up Horrible Mutual Experience and that may make my eyes blink or whatever.)
posted by shockpoppet at 6:56 PM on April 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by shockpoppet at 6:56 PM on April 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
Based on how this question is framed/wording I'm wondering if maybe it is a perspective worth considering. It seems like you haven't really entertained the idea that the frustration of the therapist could be valid. It sounds like you are looking for people to agree with you.
And yeah that totally sucks and I can see why you would be upset.
Absolutely you're doing the right thing by being involved in your child's therapy- but maybe you are not yet in the place where it's helpful for you to be an active participant.
posted by KMoney at 7:05 PM on April 23, 2017 [14 favorites]
And yeah that totally sucks and I can see why you would be upset.
Absolutely you're doing the right thing by being involved in your child's therapy- but maybe you are not yet in the place where it's helpful for you to be an active participant.
posted by KMoney at 7:05 PM on April 23, 2017 [14 favorites]
it sounds like two separate issues to me.
1. if you're working with her 1:1 (even if the subject of the session is ostensibly not you) then your behavior is part of the session, and she can't not address it;
2. the way she's addressing it sounds bizarre and unprofessional. Are you paying her bills? I don't allow people who work for me to speak to me that way; YMMV.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:13 PM on April 23, 2017 [7 favorites]
1. if you're working with her 1:1 (even if the subject of the session is ostensibly not you) then your behavior is part of the session, and she can't not address it;
2. the way she's addressing it sounds bizarre and unprofessional. Are you paying her bills? I don't allow people who work for me to speak to me that way; YMMV.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:13 PM on April 23, 2017 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm sure it is frustrating, but it seems super weird to me that they are getting so upset and saying these things in mocking tones. Therapist insists that all parents take part in parent sessions to support the child's therapy. This has never been a problem in the previous 5 years, with the other 2 therapists. Most therapists I have ever worked with insist that parents take part in parent sessions to learn how to change Kid's behaviours and do a lot of the hands-on work.
posted by shockpoppet at 7:13 PM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by shockpoppet at 7:13 PM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
IANYT.
It seems pretty unprofessional to mock me for getting triggered.
It sounds to me like it could be one of two things:
1.) It might be your frustration with yourself for not having worked though this. Maybe you feel mocked because it's so painful for you. If so - be gentle with yourself - these things take time and it's possible that you're simply not ready yet.
2.) The therapist is truly mocking you and being unprofessional. If so - find someone else.
Either way, the unresolved trigger is creating another layer of complexity to the therapy and you don't want that to undermine your progress with individual therapy or your child's progress with KT.
Have you told KT that you feel this way? That you feel mocked and humiliated? KT may assume that you are farther along as far as resolving this trigger, especially if you say that you're making "great progress" with your individual therapist. You may have made a lot of progress, but is it possible that, in this particular area where you're triggered, you have not resolved it to the degree that you need to, to work with your child's therapist? Has KT discussed this with your individual therapist?
Might be worth printing this question out and bringing it to your individual therapist.
Best of luck.
posted by onecircleaday at 7:27 PM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
It seems pretty unprofessional to mock me for getting triggered.
It sounds to me like it could be one of two things:
1.) It might be your frustration with yourself for not having worked though this. Maybe you feel mocked because it's so painful for you. If so - be gentle with yourself - these things take time and it's possible that you're simply not ready yet.
2.) The therapist is truly mocking you and being unprofessional. If so - find someone else.
Either way, the unresolved trigger is creating another layer of complexity to the therapy and you don't want that to undermine your progress with individual therapy or your child's progress with KT.
Have you told KT that you feel this way? That you feel mocked and humiliated? KT may assume that you are farther along as far as resolving this trigger, especially if you say that you're making "great progress" with your individual therapist. You may have made a lot of progress, but is it possible that, in this particular area where you're triggered, you have not resolved it to the degree that you need to, to work with your child's therapist? Has KT discussed this with your individual therapist?
Might be worth printing this question out and bringing it to your individual therapist.
Best of luck.
posted by onecircleaday at 7:27 PM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
Sometimes, we get into difficult conversations about things Kid and I have experienced. I get triggered.
I am not asking for clarification or details on this, but I do have a theory based on speculation: you may mean things you experienced together, as in a shared trauma from a specific event or a shared experience of a specific individual who harmed both you and your child. In that case I think the therapist's conduct is inexcusable.
But if you mean that you and your child have things in common in a more general way -- that your child had experiences that remind you of experiences you had in your own childhood, events that are similar but not actually the same ones -- then I think they are feeling extraordinarily self-righteous and protective of your child and identifying with them in a way that probably feels empathetic and heroic from the inside even as it is mean and petty on the outside: how dare they have their own problems when they are a grown-up? It is selfish of parents to be troubled; only children deserve sympathy.
If they legitimately think you want attention from them to deflect attention from your child, that explains the annoyance but does not explain or justify the refusal to be corrected on that point. I would take the tactic of responding to any personal remarks about you with a firm request that the session stay on track and focus on parenting, exclusively. If you had previously been telling them about your own life and past, I would stop. This person has the ability of a therapist to make you feel comfortable telling them things, but not the obligations of a therapist to receive them thoughtfully and respond to them kindly. that is a bad climate to be disclosing personal information in.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:40 PM on April 23, 2017 [7 favorites]
I am not asking for clarification or details on this, but I do have a theory based on speculation: you may mean things you experienced together, as in a shared trauma from a specific event or a shared experience of a specific individual who harmed both you and your child. In that case I think the therapist's conduct is inexcusable.
But if you mean that you and your child have things in common in a more general way -- that your child had experiences that remind you of experiences you had in your own childhood, events that are similar but not actually the same ones -- then I think they are feeling extraordinarily self-righteous and protective of your child and identifying with them in a way that probably feels empathetic and heroic from the inside even as it is mean and petty on the outside: how dare they have their own problems when they are a grown-up? It is selfish of parents to be troubled; only children deserve sympathy.
If they legitimately think you want attention from them to deflect attention from your child, that explains the annoyance but does not explain or justify the refusal to be corrected on that point. I would take the tactic of responding to any personal remarks about you with a firm request that the session stay on track and focus on parenting, exclusively. If you had previously been telling them about your own life and past, I would stop. This person has the ability of a therapist to make you feel comfortable telling them things, but not the obligations of a therapist to receive them thoughtfully and respond to them kindly. that is a bad climate to be disclosing personal information in.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:40 PM on April 23, 2017 [7 favorites]
Can you ask Kid Therapist what her goal in pointing out your dissociation/triggering is? I believe you that it comes across as mocking, but she might have some reason, related to your kid, that she wants you aware of when it happens and/or dealing with it differently, again, due to reasons related to your kid. (E.g., Kid gets seriously weirded out when you do it around them, and Kid Therapist is trying to help you find a way of dealing with the trigger in a way that doesn't trigger Kid.) Her reasons may not be good ones, and her handling of the situation may not be great, but your knowing why she's doing that may help you determine if there's a valid reason for her pointing it out, if she's actually annoyed or if you're projecting "annoyance" onto her, if there's another way she could accomplish the same thing but do it in a way that wasn't further triggering, or if she's just projecting her own stuff onto you.
posted by lazuli at 7:41 PM on April 23, 2017 [14 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 7:41 PM on April 23, 2017 [14 favorites]
No, no, no. As a parent in therapy with a kid in therapy, I'd be looking for a new kid therapist. If they treat you with such disrespect (which is what those two comments are), how are they treating your kid? I just met with both my therapist and psychiatrist last week. I start crying whenever I talk about myself. With my psych, I started crying even though I was talking about the GOOD things in my life. She just acknowledged it and moved on. If she ever said "Why are you crying? Don't you see that's making my job harder?" I'd be finding a new psych so fast.
posted by Ruki at 7:47 PM on April 23, 2017 [20 favorites]
posted by Ruki at 7:47 PM on April 23, 2017 [20 favorites]
Your child's therapist is shit. Get a new one.
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:51 PM on April 23, 2017 [8 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:51 PM on April 23, 2017 [8 favorites]
And it's not that I'm there to talk about me - but I might react to the Therapist bringing up Horrible Mutual Experience and that may make my eyes blink or whatever.)
I would guess that the therapist thinks that your kid picks up on your reaction and worries that the kid will immediately focus on you, and try to take care of you rather than dwelling in what happened to them during the "Horrible Mutual Experience" and working through that.
And the kid might well be doing something like what I think the therapist fears, but I see no prospect of anyone being able to mock and shame you out of your own involuntary reaction to what happened, and the therapist needs to realize that and come up with a more effective strategy.
Or you and your kid might need a different therapist.
posted by jamjam at 8:08 PM on April 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
I would guess that the therapist thinks that your kid picks up on your reaction and worries that the kid will immediately focus on you, and try to take care of you rather than dwelling in what happened to them during the "Horrible Mutual Experience" and working through that.
And the kid might well be doing something like what I think the therapist fears, but I see no prospect of anyone being able to mock and shame you out of your own involuntary reaction to what happened, and the therapist needs to realize that and come up with a more effective strategy.
Or you and your kid might need a different therapist.
posted by jamjam at 8:08 PM on April 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
... wait, what?
Honey, get you and your kid the hell away from this person. They are being rude and unprofessional and you both deserve a lot better.
My mom and I have joint sessions, sometimes, with the same therapist. My mom can be... unreasonable, sometimes, and winds up setting me off in turn. Never ONCE has our therapist ever been anything but kind, non-judgemental, and supportive. If she'd ever said something like what your kid's therapist said to you, I would have been out of there SO fast.
posted by Tamanna at 9:18 PM on April 23, 2017 [9 favorites]
Honey, get you and your kid the hell away from this person. They are being rude and unprofessional and you both deserve a lot better.
My mom and I have joint sessions, sometimes, with the same therapist. My mom can be... unreasonable, sometimes, and winds up setting me off in turn. Never ONCE has our therapist ever been anything but kind, non-judgemental, and supportive. If she'd ever said something like what your kid's therapist said to you, I would have been out of there SO fast.
posted by Tamanna at 9:18 PM on April 23, 2017 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: you may mean things you experienced together, as in a shared trauma from a specific event or a shared experience of a specific individual who harmed both you and your child
Something like the above. My childhood and other experiences aren't usually what come up -- it's all stuff in the past 10 years, some within the last couple of months. I don't see why it's weird that I might get triggered or dissociate, especially if I have had my own therapy session target some stuff. It's not like I'm freaking out or something. But maybe I don't dissociate like other people. Maybe other people do "leave the building" and then there's no point in talking to them or something? Kid's Therapist is not able to explain to me why this is so frustrating and my own therapist and I are at a loss as to why I would be expected to have already healed from recent events.
posted by shockpoppet at 9:31 PM on April 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
Something like the above. My childhood and other experiences aren't usually what come up -- it's all stuff in the past 10 years, some within the last couple of months. I don't see why it's weird that I might get triggered or dissociate, especially if I have had my own therapy session target some stuff. It's not like I'm freaking out or something. But maybe I don't dissociate like other people. Maybe other people do "leave the building" and then there's no point in talking to them or something? Kid's Therapist is not able to explain to me why this is so frustrating and my own therapist and I are at a loss as to why I would be expected to have already healed from recent events.
posted by shockpoppet at 9:31 PM on April 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
Even if you didn't have a therapist, and were a huge narcissistic mess, that wouldn't make Kid Therapist your therapist just because you have an emotional reaction to something. If they don't know how to cope with people having emotional experiences they are in the wrong profession. I would say something like this:
"I don't want to be spoken to the way you've been speaking to me about 'leaving the building.' When Horrible Event comes up I sometimes need a minute to compose myself and I would appreciate it if you could be quiet while I do that. Is this something you think you can do?"
And then if they say no, I would seriously consider a new therapist. You want your kid's therapist to be kind and respectful and if KT can't handle a request like this then I doubt they fit the bill.
posted by hungrytiger at 9:52 PM on April 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
"I don't want to be spoken to the way you've been speaking to me about 'leaving the building.' When Horrible Event comes up I sometimes need a minute to compose myself and I would appreciate it if you could be quiet while I do that. Is this something you think you can do?"
And then if they say no, I would seriously consider a new therapist. You want your kid's therapist to be kind and respectful and if KT can't handle a request like this then I doubt they fit the bill.
posted by hungrytiger at 9:52 PM on April 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
My thought as I was reading was that maybe the therapist is saying that your reaction when triggered is actually part of (or exacerbating) Kid's issues—which, of course, is not an excuse for mocking.
(Not a therapist, but still pissed about ex's tendency to react with anger in stressful situations, which most definitely affected both marriage and family therapy sessions.)
posted by she's not there at 10:29 PM on April 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
(Not a therapist, but still pissed about ex's tendency to react with anger in stressful situations, which most definitely affected both marriage and family therapy sessions.)
posted by she's not there at 10:29 PM on April 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
Yep, DTMFA. I would be scared that Kid Therapist is also doing this to my kid during their sessions.
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:46 AM on April 24, 2017
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:46 AM on April 24, 2017
I have asked Therapist why this matters, given I have my own therapist
How often are you triggered? Because reading this question, it sounds like Kid's Therapist is trying to get through some essential work with you, and you're being triggered frequently during those sessions, derailing them . Kid's therapist is for the Kid and it sounds like they're getting frustrated that they can't get through a session in a timely manner.
Whether that frustration is justified, or fair, is another question. But they aren't your therapist and they aren't treating you as a client, they're treating you like the parent of a child they're treating. They do not have your best interests in mind. They have your child's best interests in mind.
That being said, I would absolutely tell them that effective immediately, if they see you being triggered to just be quiet and give you a few seconds. Being frustrated is no excuse for being a jerk.
posted by valoius at 11:47 AM on April 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
How often are you triggered? Because reading this question, it sounds like Kid's Therapist is trying to get through some essential work with you, and you're being triggered frequently during those sessions, derailing them . Kid's therapist is for the Kid and it sounds like they're getting frustrated that they can't get through a session in a timely manner.
Whether that frustration is justified, or fair, is another question. But they aren't your therapist and they aren't treating you as a client, they're treating you like the parent of a child they're treating. They do not have your best interests in mind. They have your child's best interests in mind.
That being said, I would absolutely tell them that effective immediately, if they see you being triggered to just be quiet and give you a few seconds. Being frustrated is no excuse for being a jerk.
posted by valoius at 11:47 AM on April 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
and you're being triggered frequently during those sessions, derailing them
Yeah, but
I notice when I get triggered and would normally just take a second or two to ground myself.
You are allowed to ask (demand!) things of your kid's therapist. If you don't want to DMTFA (because they are good with the kid - but are they really? Cuz this behaviour sounds so bizarre I can't imagine they'd be more tactful with a kid?). Anyway, tell KT what you have told us. "You calling me out is not helpful. I can ground myself and we can get on with things much quicker if you don't focus on this. Please do not make mocking comments." And this is non-negotiable. If they get so annoyed they can't help reacting, then that's their issue to work on with their supervisor. That's unprofessional as hell. (And if they think they have a good reason to do this, they need to be able to explain it to you, which apparently is not the case.)
posted by ClarissaWAM at 12:24 PM on April 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
Yeah, but
I notice when I get triggered and would normally just take a second or two to ground myself.
You are allowed to ask (demand!) things of your kid's therapist. If you don't want to DMTFA (because they are good with the kid - but are they really? Cuz this behaviour sounds so bizarre I can't imagine they'd be more tactful with a kid?). Anyway, tell KT what you have told us. "You calling me out is not helpful. I can ground myself and we can get on with things much quicker if you don't focus on this. Please do not make mocking comments." And this is non-negotiable. If they get so annoyed they can't help reacting, then that's their issue to work on with their supervisor. That's unprofessional as hell. (And if they think they have a good reason to do this, they need to be able to explain it to you, which apparently is not the case.)
posted by ClarissaWAM at 12:24 PM on April 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
If you're not going to DTMFA, I'd start by first responding as you would to say, your kid, not your kid, exactly, but demonstrating that you know how to ask for what you need while maintaining a sense that everything is okay. Then, I'd respond in a more pointed way like "i realize that you probably don't intend this, but the way you spoke to me just then came across as disrespectful. Earlier I asked if you could just give me a moment when this occurs, and that's really what I would prefer." After that, I'd suggest that she speak with your therapist if she has comments to share about your progress and behavior. But all that said, I think it might be worth devoting some thought and conversation with your daughter about whether your daughter feels she's being treated respectfully.
posted by salvia at 1:20 PM on April 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 1:20 PM on April 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
Could your therapist and kids therapist talk to each other? I'm wondering if your reaction to being triggered is manifesting in a way you are unaware of and some type of miscommunication is happening. (I have been with a couple of people disassociating that honestly thought it was only a second or two of blanking when actually I had been speaking with them for some time to try to help. They could not believe me when I tried to explain how they acted and for how long because they were still processing too much trauma).
posted by saucysault at 4:30 PM on April 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 4:30 PM on April 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks. These are all good responses. I have invited a meeting for me, Kid Therapist and my therapist, so maybe that will help. I honestly don't think I'm dissociating and being unaware of it. It's never happened in any other places in that sort of way -- I've worked with my own therapist and two prior therapists and I feel like I have a really good handle on when it starts to happen and how to hold it. But, you know, maybe we've got into something I don't know about. My own therapist winces when I describe how Kid Therapist reacts, though. I've told Kid Therapist to cut it out and that it can be acknowledged without being nasty, but Kid Therapist seems really ticked that it's happening!
posted by shockpoppet at 5:19 PM on April 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by shockpoppet at 5:19 PM on April 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
That sounds like a great step. Hopefully it'll be useful. (And selfishly, I hope you'll report back. But you're obviously not obligated to!)
posted by salvia at 6:05 PM on April 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by salvia at 6:05 PM on April 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
If you can't talk about this, and if the Kid Therapist can't get their act together, and if these parent sessions are required... I would consider a new therapist.
Could you emphasize to KT that their focus on your response to triggers is a distraction from the specific parenting work you're there to do? And, with the common goal of supporting that work, make a plan in advance.
Perhaps when you get triggered you'll provide a sign or speak a phrase. That will be the signal that you need to [leave the room] [have one minute of silence] [put your head down until you give the next signal]. Consider what would happen if you literally had to use the bathroom -- the therapist would have to get with the program or follow you in there. Can you use a physical practice, like leaving the room?
Share this not as a negotiation, but as an accommodation that you require, just like if you had to go to the bathroom frequently or any other thing that might pause the conversation. If the therapist wants to discuss this and the nature of it and the reasons, then you put up the boundary of the fact that you're already addressing this with a professional and you'd like to stick to the conversation at hand, and on figuring out how to have it in the context of the reality that you get triggered. Frame it as though the triggers are completely outside the scope of what the KT treats.
Therapists are human too. Sometimes they calibrate their response for the issues they see most frequently. I was meeting with a therapist once, as an adolescent. She had me do a craft project using glue and cardboard. At point I was holding the rubber cement, thinking about what to use it on, zoning out... She told me sharply to stop. It felt pretty bad. Turns out she thought I was sniffing it. This said more about her frame of mind than anything else. I also consider it an error on her part since it broke trust in a small way between us. Nothing insurmountable but we did have to talk about it and irrc she apologized. Sounds like your therapist may be responding to you without actually... responding to *you.* And it's their job to apply more energy and focus so they can be present with who you are rather than taking a shortcut of assumptions.
posted by ramenopres at 12:02 PM on September 28, 2017
Could you emphasize to KT that their focus on your response to triggers is a distraction from the specific parenting work you're there to do? And, with the common goal of supporting that work, make a plan in advance.
Perhaps when you get triggered you'll provide a sign or speak a phrase. That will be the signal that you need to [leave the room] [have one minute of silence] [put your head down until you give the next signal]. Consider what would happen if you literally had to use the bathroom -- the therapist would have to get with the program or follow you in there. Can you use a physical practice, like leaving the room?
Share this not as a negotiation, but as an accommodation that you require, just like if you had to go to the bathroom frequently or any other thing that might pause the conversation. If the therapist wants to discuss this and the nature of it and the reasons, then you put up the boundary of the fact that you're already addressing this with a professional and you'd like to stick to the conversation at hand, and on figuring out how to have it in the context of the reality that you get triggered. Frame it as though the triggers are completely outside the scope of what the KT treats.
Therapists are human too. Sometimes they calibrate their response for the issues they see most frequently. I was meeting with a therapist once, as an adolescent. She had me do a craft project using glue and cardboard. At point I was holding the rubber cement, thinking about what to use it on, zoning out... She told me sharply to stop. It felt pretty bad. Turns out she thought I was sniffing it. This said more about her frame of mind than anything else. I also consider it an error on her part since it broke trust in a small way between us. Nothing insurmountable but we did have to talk about it and irrc she apologized. Sounds like your therapist may be responding to you without actually... responding to *you.* And it's their job to apply more energy and focus so they can be present with who you are rather than taking a shortcut of assumptions.
posted by ramenopres at 12:02 PM on September 28, 2017
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posted by J.K. Seazer at 6:27 PM on April 23, 2017 [62 favorites]