I want you to want me.
April 13, 2017 1:37 PM   Subscribe

I can't believe I'm asking this, but, I need guidance on my OKC profile, and I'm not super keen on sharing it with people in "real" life. For some reason, I'd much rather ask strangers on the internet instead. Halp me mefites, you're my only hope! Link inside.

OkCupid profile here.

I'd be interested in ANY feedback you can provide, whether it's about my username (I can change it? I don't love it, but picked it because I have red hair and my first name means queen), my photos (less? more? different order? other?), or the content of my page.

Very long story short, I've never dated. Like, at all. I've been on a few different dating sites in the past, including OKC, but after a (week, few weeks, month) I've deleted them due to either creepiness of people, or getting freaked out/anxious about the whole concept. But I'm ready to get serious now, because, well, I'm not getting any younger. (Not necessarily get in a serious relationship, though I'm open to it, but serious about any sort of date type thing.)

The only "date"/"romantic" situation I've ever been in was speed dating a few weeks ago, and it went no where fast. But I'm trying here!

Thanks in advance!
posted by firei to Human Relations (38 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
Best answer: I think your profile is really good. The only thing that stood out to me was that you mention baking, cooking and pizza, but don't answer the food question on the site. Your photos are great!
posted by jennstra at 1:46 PM on April 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I wouldn't change a thing. Profile looks great, and ten or fifteen years ago I'd have been right there :-)

Remember, though, that many guys on dating sites don't message first very often (as it's almost always a complete waste of time). Leave your profile as it is, and peruse the guys. If one interests you, send them a smiley or similar, and see what happens...
posted by tillsbury at 1:55 PM on April 13, 2017 [6 favorites]

Best answer: Your pictures are excellent and your profile seems warm, chatty and fun. I once had similar doubts and fears regarding online dating once but it's really not that bad. Hang in there! If you're not already, I'd suggest trying out Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel as well--I feel like you meet a lot more people through apps and exchanges on the apps translate into dates much more often and more quickly than on OkCupid. I think going on lots of dates and meeting lots of people and not wasting too much time on messaging back and forth will help increase your comfort level with online dating. There will be creeps but there's creeps everywhere and they become pretty easy to ignore.
posted by armadillo1224 at 1:59 PM on April 13, 2017

Best answer: Straight lady here, but I think your profile is pretty solid. You've got a few genericisms I might avoid, but overall looks good.

(Example: under music you like everything but country and techno - like everyone else on the internet.

You mention going to concerts. What's the last one you went to? Favorite album(s) so far this year? But that's a big one for me cause I'm super into music).

Seconding the messaging first approach. Worked for me in the past!
posted by too bad you're not me at 2:00 PM on April 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Just glanced. Looks nice. I'm not in your age range or area or single, but if not for all that I'd probably message you.

On the music bit: you say everything, but not that much country or rap or techno. Consider putting in something you DO like.

You call yourself "weird" but I don't really get it. Don't many people like the stuff you like and do the stuff you do? I get it, it's kind of a signal that you don't especially identify with the "normal" crowd, but it's not very descriptive.

Good luck!
posted by SaltySalticid at 2:02 PM on April 13, 2017 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Great profile and nice photos! You are extremely interesting and intelligent and I don't have any suggestions on what to add on that front. You may want to be more specific about the kind of person you are looking for, like adding qualities other than someone who will be OK with you singing, although that is very sweet! I love how you add at the end that you are not interested in someone who voted for Trump, so maybe add more about what you are really looking for. I appreciated that kind of honesty when I was online dating and didn't waste my time on chatting with people who did things I was really turned off with, like motorcycles! So while I didn't say I hate motorcycles I said what I do like and weeded out people who had interests that I didn't have.
posted by waving at 2:09 PM on April 13, 2017

Best answer: I would absolutely date you based on your profile and your first photo alone. You come across as wonderfully appealing. I would personally transition away from OkCupid and maybe try Bumble because like you I have encountered a LOT of creepy men on OKQ. Other than that, 10/10 profile, would read again.
posted by Hermione Granger at 2:10 PM on April 13, 2017 [7 favorites]

Best answer: You sound fun and your photos are cute!

Your self-summary, which starts the whole profile out, feels like you wrote it when you were just warming up. Maybe adjust it so it's a more direct, confident, specific starter. You could either re-write it, or you could pretty much transplant the "I'm really good at" section there, and it would be better:

My self-summary:
I have a good head for useless trivia.
I skew to the nerdy/geeky side of things.
I read very quickly and sing moderately well.
I'm an excellent baker and a decent cook.
I'm solid at bingeing on Netflix.
I'm a work in progress!

I think lists are more fun and easier to read than paragraphs, so I'd also suggest reformatting the paragraph lists into straight up lists like I just did.

Also, for your "You should message me if" section, I think you should write it addressed to the exact guy you want- it feels better from the reader's perspective.

For instance, compare:
OK: I'm looking for someone who is comfortable going out or staying in.
Better: You're comfortable going out or staying in.

So maybe something like:
Your weird quirks can mesh with my weird quirks, creating awesome weird-quirk-mesh-hybrids.
You'll talk books and movies with me.
You'd love to experiment with new recipes and cooking with me.
You're comfortable going out or staying in.
You'll nudge me out of my comfort zone- and I'll return the favour!
You won't mind with my singing around the house - and super extra bonus points if you sing along!

You seem lovely and very date-able: good luck! :)
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:16 PM on April 13, 2017 [8 favorites]

Best answer: since you've gotten more substantive advice, tiny correction here: "I'm looking for someone whose weird quirks can mesh with mine. "

Good luck!
posted by wintersweet at 2:23 PM on April 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Your answer to the music likes question fits a bad stereotype about people who actually don't really engage with music at all (they say "I like anything but county" or "anything but rap") and as a result it may be an unnecessary turnoff. Just put what you actually like.
posted by vunder at 2:25 PM on April 13, 2017

Best answer: Another straight lady your age here.
I think that your profile comes across really well, and I would so be friends with you. That said,there are a couple of nit picky things I would change. Take off the "work in progress" disclaimer in the first paragraph, everyone is a work in progress it makes you sound almost apologetic. I think the more confident you sound, the better luck you'll have in dating ( the old fake it 'til you make it!).
I think less generalisims, and more specifics in your favorite music would be better for conversation fodder. Your photos are good, but I'd take out the one photo with your friend in it, just because it features her more prominently. In the "message me if" section change "who's" to "whose", and I'd add more specifics. Like, if Dr. Who is your thing, I'd say "message me if you want to discuss the finer points of David tenant vs Matt smith" or something along those lines. I also have to warn you that from my experience, you'll get a lot of creepy messages on okcupid, but I'm nthing everyone who said to ignore them, take the bull by the horns and message the guys that you find appealing first! This can also work in real life, as you start to date don't be afraid to chat someone up in person! Anyway, best of luck :)
posted by Champagne Supernova at 2:28 PM on April 13, 2017 [8 favorites]

Best answer: You resemble the actress Holland Roden, so Red Queen is an awesome username. Nothing pings wrong to me in the profile, you seem super adorable. Good luck!
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 2:28 PM on April 13, 2017

Best answer: Get a friend with a DSLR to take a couple of photos of you. Add at least one full body photo. Remove the photo with you and a friend.
posted by gregr at 2:34 PM on April 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I love this profile!

The only note I'd add is that three of your photos are all obviously from the same shoot - first, third, and fifth - and two of them look really similar. I might remove either the first or the fifth. The earlier suggestion to try to add at least one more full-body picture is a good one, too.
posted by hanov3r at 2:48 PM on April 13, 2017

Best answer: It's good, but don't lead with work in progress. A little self deprecation seems fine to me but not right up front and it's also, I think, a little bit of a cliche. The rest seems honest and fun and appealing. Good luck. I met my fiancé on OKC.
posted by Smearcase at 2:48 PM on April 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I think it looks great too! Nice pictures and your personality really shines through in the text.
I disagree that you need to take more pictures or add a 'full-body shot' (ew, who says that)
If anything, I would take out a few photos to leave a bit of a sense of mystery. And I would also try to edit the text down to make it shorter to read. Also to contribute to the sense of mystery. That's what I go for, anyways.
posted by winterportage at 2:50 PM on April 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: (1) Should be "whose weird quirks".

(2) I'd remove the starfield and Daenerys photos and keep up only one of the headshots -- I think you made the right choice making the first one your primary. Also the "derping around" photo is a strong contender for primary as well.

(3) One thing I have sometimes thought about with my own OKC profile is going at the text with a emotionless editor's attitude ... how can I say something much, much more briefly? Were you to take this approach, imagine your text is a 30-second commercial and slash, slash, slash the text down to the bone. I just think people have way too short attention spans nowadays and ironically, expressing yourself eloquently can end up being a disincentive for them.

For example:

I currently work in the special education office at a local school district, and I'm in my final semester of grad school to complete my masters in library and information science.


Helping Special Ed locally and INCHES AWAY from a master's in library science.
posted by WCityMike at 2:58 PM on April 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

This is mostly great, but there are a couple of things that I would recommend changing.

First off - when people are using the quick-rating function on the app, the only thing they see is the "My self-summary" section and your photos and demographic info. So I would move some of the stuff from "What I’m doing with my life" up there. More on that in a sec!

My self-summary:

The 'work in progress' thing makes it sound like you lack confidence in yourself, when it's clear from the rest of the profile that you are! Definitely strike that.

You don't need to say you're 29, single, and in Carmel because all of that information already shows up at the top of your profile.

What I'm doing with my life:

I think the way you've included those two 'maybe' activities in the middle, and talked about how you haven't been camping in forever, makes it sound like you don't really do any of this stuff much at all: "I'd like to have more bowling, camping (maybe? I haven't been camping since I was a kid and didn't really like it, but I feel like I'd like it now), maybe hiking, karaoke, scrabble, yoga, ice cream, road trips, and concerts in my life."

I would say it like this:

"I'd like to have more bowling, karaoke, scrabble, yoga, ice cream, road trips, and concerts in my life. And maybe hiking and camping - I haven't been camping since I was a kid and didn't really like it, but I feel like I'd like it now!"

So, here is how I would lay out the top two sections of your profile:

My self-summary:

I skew to the nerdy/geeky side of things.

I do community theatre on occasion, read a lot of books (particularly sci-fi, fantasy, and mystery), bake specialty cakes and cookies, and hang out with my nieces and nephews.

I'd like to have more bowling, camping (maybe? I haven't been camping since I was a kid and didn't really like it, but I feel like I'd like it now), maybe hiking, karaoke, scrabble, yoga, ice cream, road trips, and concerts in my life.

I'm in the early stages of a journey toward healthiness, which is a pain, because pizza and ice cream are delicious and I haven't quite found an exercise that is fun instead of being torture, but, hey, persistence is key.

And I adopted a cat back in January. She's pretty fluffy and great.

What I'm doing with my life:

I currently work in the special education office at a local school district, and I'm in my final semester of grad school to complete my masters in library and information science.

You might also include in "my self-summary" something about your personality - are you enthusiastic? Laid-back? Endlessly curious? Etc.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:05 PM on April 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Also ... and I am suggesting this with great caution ... /r/okcupid on Reddit routinely offers critiques such as what you're asking here.
posted by WCityMike at 3:16 PM on April 13, 2017

Best answer: A couple more things:

I HIGHLY recommend removing the "I don't like rap/country/techno" thing.
A ton of people say "I like everything but rap or country" in dating profiles, enough that it's become a cliche. But more importantly, some people perceive it as coming off a little racist and classist - like, I like all music except for the stereotypical types of music that black people and poor rural people listen to. Since I doubt that a partner who listens to rap or country is an actual dealbreaker for you, take this out. Just say you like pretty much everything.

Your photos are all great, but I think you should remove the third headshot. It's just kinda repetitive and unnecessary.

And finally, I would remove the last line about Trump. Even though your ideal matches will of course agree completely, it's really sort of a bummer to end your really very fun and engaging profile with a negative statement. It just brings down the mood. I find that if you answer enough questions, you'll basically never see anyone who isn't on your political wavelength anyway - they'll have much lower match percentages with you.

If you do want to include the basic idea, though, you could do something like add "How to take down Donald Trump" under "I spend a lot of time thinking about."
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:18 PM on April 13, 2017 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: You all are pretty fantastic, you know that?

Thank you all very much for the feedback - I'm going to go ahead and start implementing some of these suggestions now!
posted by firei at 3:20 PM on April 13, 2017 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Also since you're new to online dating, some advice I wish I'd had at first - creepers gonna creep and you should absolutely ignore and delete them, you have no obligation to respond to anyone. You don't even have an obligation to respond to people who seem nice but who you aren't interested in! Don't feel bad about this at all - nobody gets responses 100% of the time, or even 30% of the time, so it's unlikely they'll take it personally. (And you shouldn't either, when you message people.)
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:27 PM on April 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Had a look through your previous questions here and it seems you're a singer and involved in musical theatre. I'd say that's definitely worth mentioning - it's a pretty unusual thing, and a great way for a guy to open a conversation with you.

In general I feel your profile falls into the common trap of listing a lot of things you like, but not really WHY or what you like about them. So this is an opportunity to talk about something that's meaningful to you and its role in your life in a really authentic way. Instant personality!

On pictures: maybe I'm in the minority here but I think the best one is the one of you put and about, having fun in a bar or restaurant or whatever with your thumb up and a big grin on your face. Not the most technically brilliant photo but again - it's got personality and authenticity.

FYI I met my wife on OKC (and before that, I think I was pretty good at the whole profile/messaging thing and met a lot of cool people). Hope this helps - it really can work.
posted by Ted Maul at 3:31 PM on April 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Fun fact perhaps worthy of inclusion in a profile of a trivia-minded librarian looking for love:

Casanova began his career as a librarian.

(specifically, in 1785 he became librarian to Count Joseph Karl von Waldstein in the Castle of Dux, Bohemia)
posted by BadgerDoctor at 3:40 PM on April 13, 2017

Best answer: Looks great. I agree with others that noting the music you don't like is a little negative.
One other thing stuck out to me - you note that you're quirky and weird, but your interests are super normal (if not a little bland). You like the most popular novelists, films, and food.
If I was reading it as a potential dating partner, I'd wonder what the deal is with why you think you're quirky.
posted by k8t at 3:41 PM on April 13, 2017 [4 favorites]

Best answer: It looks good! I personally would take out the "journey toward healthiness" paragraph unless it's a huge focus of your life right now, because it otherwise can come across as somewhat self-deprecating. And I'd include a body shot, because I think people tend to assume the worst when people don't.
posted by metasarah at 3:56 PM on April 13, 2017 [3 favorites]

Best answer: You have gotten some great responses on your profile so I'm going to ditto the "now what" advice and tell you to BE MILITANT about what you accept/respond to. Feel free to completely ignore anyone who doesn't interest you. Think about what you want and do not want and only interact with those that meet that criteria. Do not even let yourself get annoyed/bothered by the profiles that contact you that do not fit. They simply do. not. exist.

Good luck and try to approach it from a place of fun. Look forward to meeting new, interesting people and hear their stories and seeing how they may integrate into your life. YOU are the prize, they are auditioning to be in your life! (Granted this goes both ways, but just keep in mind *your* goals.... if someone isn't a match towards those goal, throw that fish back!)
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 4:05 PM on April 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: If you lived on the west coast, I'd totally ask you out. Great pics. You sound fun. I think we'd get along.

I have no negative feedback.
posted by tacodave at 4:12 PM on April 13, 2017

Best answer: You look like Adele and you're stunning!
posted by Kwadeng at 4:40 PM on April 13, 2017

Best answer: You're gorgeous, I love your self-description, and I would totally date you if I weren't a married straight woman. I want to be you.

(this is in parenthesis because I'm not sure if I'm right about this, but I would almost remove the stuff that talks about getting healthy because everyone know that means "I'm planning to lose weight" and lady, you don't need any men in your life who are holding out for you to lose weight!)
posted by kitcat at 5:59 PM on April 13, 2017 [6 favorites]

Best answer: I totally relate to the health journey bit but in this context it sounds like you're apologizing for not appearing to be a fitness model, and I don't think you should do that.
posted by kapers at 6:19 PM on April 13, 2017 [9 favorites]

Best answer: Saw your profile a couple of hours ago (didn't have a chance to provide feedback) and I see you've made some changes - they're great!

I only have a few minor tweaks to suggest: try not to say the same thing twice in different sections. e.g. in self-summary, you say that you bake specialty cakes, then in "I'm really good at" you say you're an excellent baker. Definitely keep the trivia, reading quickly and Netflix bits in that section. I think you can take out the baking, maybe cooking and singing out since you already mention you do baking and singing. Also you mention pizza 3 times in different sections. It just kind of gets repetitive; try to use the different sections to illustrate different things about you.

Your username is fine. I like the changes you made to your pictures.

Like others have mentioned above, I want to know your weird quirks! Can you give some examples?
posted by foxjacket at 7:17 PM on April 13, 2017

Best answer: As a straight man, I think the whole thing is great ... except for this line in the "message me if" section: "You're comfortable going out or staying in." That's become a worn-out cliche by being said in half of all dating profiles. We should all just assume that everyone likes to go out sometimes and stay home at other times. And there'd still be plenty of text in your "message me if" section without that line, so it's not like you'd need to think of something new to replace it with.

Aside from that, I have no other criticisms. You got a lot of good suggestions which you've already implemented.
posted by John Cohen at 8:30 PM on April 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Hey I think you're doing great, like everyone else is saying. I'll give you some feedback from a CIS straight guy that's gone through some of this.

Talk a bit about what you're looking for more specifically. These questions are deceptively self-indulgent. When you say "I skew to the nerdy/geeky" does that mean you are looking for the same? I would be more explicit about that. What does 'skew' mean? Are you more casual about it or is that a big part of your life?

Everyone says "oh so many" about books/movies/etc. Pick the ones that you feel like people would respond to.

"Six things" is your chance to buck the system. They made the rules, break them.

"Friday night" you talk about doing a show but in your summary you say "on occasion". I confused.
posted by misterdaniel at 10:40 PM on April 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Instead​ of saying that you skew geeky or nerdy you should say something nerdy about yourself.
posted by mikek at 11:05 PM on April 13, 2017

Response by poster: Best answers for everyone! Really, thank you all so much for taking the time to give me feedback - I'm very appreciative! I've implemented most of the changes that were suggested, and considering the other suggestions.

And today I'm planning to farm my profile out to other dating sites. Fun fun fun! ;)

Thanks again, you all made me feel pretty darn good about myself in addition to offering help critiques and advice.
posted by firei at 8:16 AM on April 14, 2017 [7 favorites]

Best answer: Since you're now "days away" from finishing your library degree, maybe add a bit about what you plan to do with that degree?
posted by k8t at 7:34 PM on April 14, 2017

Best answer: Your profile is delightful and I kind of want to be your friend now, haha. (What up, fellow soon-to-be librarian and Buffy fan!) The tone is playful and seems to do a good job of conveying both your personality and your interests in a way that anyone who's picking up what you're putting down will recognize and get excited about.

I agree with Ted Maul in that, especially in the books/movies/TV section, rather than a list of many things that you like, picking one to three representative samples and expanding a little on why you like them and why they're important to you (briefly--this is the internet) might say more about you than the list alone would. If they know why you like a thing, it can imply that other similar things are up your alley, and that can a good opportunity for conversation hooks (Example: "Hey, I see you like Buffy! Have you seen Veronica Mars?" You: "OMG YES")

I also agree with some folks above that I might take out the weird quirks part. It seems like the rest of the "Message Me If..." section does a great job of conveying specifics, and the weird quirks thing seems almost cliched?

Anywho, best of luck!
posted by helloimjennsco at 10:14 AM on April 17, 2017

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