How can I stop my fight-or-flight about doing work from ruining my life?
April 9, 2017 9:33 PM Subscribe
My body physically hurts and is in pain whenever I think or attempt to do work or move towards my goals, and I am so ashamed by how little I've accomplished and by how much pain I am in. I really need all of your advice and support to get through this, so I can fulfill my potential and dreams in my life. Please help!
I graduated from college in Dec 2015, and basically have spent the time since recuperating and working on my mental health. However, I realized that the main core issue that seems to manifest is that I have a visceral, painful reaction to the act of doing work or moving towards work.
I am trying to become a web developer, so I have attempted since Nov 2016 to try to study how to code. I have all of my materials, I'm extremely well-resourced, and I am self-teaching and thinking about applying to an online bootcamp. I'm on Free Code Camp, have a Treehouse subscription, on all the subreddits and Facebook groups, etc. I'm overly prepared but with a failure to launch. I really want to get employed within the next year, and I have a lot of free time and resources to do it, so that's not the issue.
But when it comes to putting in the time and energy to do it or move towards my goals, my body gets literal physical pain. My cortisol levels go through the roof, my throat and chest burn, and my muscles start to feel incredibly raw. I feel this way even typing about it right now.
I have developed a terrible aversion to work that results in endless amounts of internet surfing and being deeply avoidant, which makes me shameful and I end up not being able to express to friends and family that I haven't done or accomplished any of my projects. This ended up resulting in an incredible amount of anxiety and depression, where I ended up blunting my emotions and stopped being emotionally honest to myself about my distress, which put me into further traumatic situations. I had a lot go on in the past two years.
I am thinking that it may be due to several reasons:
- I have a lot of reasons to think that I have undiagnosed ADHD-PI, after reading Driven to Distraction and several AskMeFi threads. I am thinking of seeking a diagnosis, but I get paralyzed again when I think of calling the office (woops, I should probably do that.)
- I am an anxious perfectionist with a heavy amount of negative self-talk
- I had a severely abusive boyfriend during high school, who would regularly harass me and bully me into studying more and telling me that I was a failure unless I studied harder for 4 years. I also had a horrible AP Chemistry teacher, where I was in survival mode for 9 months and would give me abusive, harsh looks during class because he knew I was failing to keep up as a student. I would break down and cry regularly during my high school years because of it.
- College wasn't much better, and I was deeply avoidant and still felt like dying everytime I wrote an essay, even though I would always get A+s on the essays. I could never plan or start them well ahead of time though, I would have to finish them in 10-hour all night marathon sprints, and organize all the points in my head. I'm believing that I am not sure how to organize or to do things in a step by step or to-do list manner. I also graduated with a very poor GPA due to the amount of trauma and terrible mental health I was experiencing, and just not really knowing how to handle it all or talk to people in need or really overcome it. I just have a lot of shame from always having so many ideas and connections and projects, but just not being able to complete them because I would get terrified and my body would start hurting.
- I have a lovely therapist that I've been seeing for two years, who is incredibly supportive. We just started doing EMDR therapy for some childhood trauma stuff, and she does great inner child work that I just started. I have a wide network of friends and a strong loving family who wants to see me succeed.
- I have been meditating on and off since I was 18, but kicked back in my meditation practice this year. I've read Pema Chodron and am open to Buddhism.
- I'm aware of ACT, DBT, CBT, etc, but any more specifics would be great.
- I have a productivity apps like Habitica, and I'm so aware of things like Pomodoro, Trello, Bullet Journal, etc. But I have all of these productivity tools, but still, I'm at a loss.
But I am literally terrified and crying because I've been trying to solve this on my own for years now, Googling constantly. I'm so used to figuring out things on my own that it makes me feel helpless that I can't figure out how to solve this on my own. (And even then, I almost decided to not write this question because I googled Emotional Freedom Technique and wanted to try that, but I was like, "No you should probably post this on AskMeFi and see what other people think.")
But I just have been doing some very heavy self-work and vulnerable introspection after I got broken up with 2 months ago with a guy who I really really liked, but I felt like my anxiety and stress contributed very negatively to the relationship. I also realized that my anxiety in the relationship and some of the stranger, clingier behaviors I had in the relationship, was due to me not realizing and being emotionally honest about how I was averse and avoiding the work that I was doing. I kept comparing myself to him because he seemed so together, and for some reason I never told him any of my struggles, even though I'm so sure he would have been happy to help me, because I'm so ashamed. I have been telling people for two years now that I am interested in learning web development, but I have not even made a single website yet.
Please help me. I am deeply interested in doing web development and have so many projects ideas, but I just feel so physically sick and unsure where to start. I feel I am well below living my potential, and I want to change it all and reclaim my life.
Sorry if this post is organized a bit like a mess, trying to not be a perfectionist, but please help!
I graduated from college in Dec 2015, and basically have spent the time since recuperating and working on my mental health. However, I realized that the main core issue that seems to manifest is that I have a visceral, painful reaction to the act of doing work or moving towards work.
I am trying to become a web developer, so I have attempted since Nov 2016 to try to study how to code. I have all of my materials, I'm extremely well-resourced, and I am self-teaching and thinking about applying to an online bootcamp. I'm on Free Code Camp, have a Treehouse subscription, on all the subreddits and Facebook groups, etc. I'm overly prepared but with a failure to launch. I really want to get employed within the next year, and I have a lot of free time and resources to do it, so that's not the issue.
But when it comes to putting in the time and energy to do it or move towards my goals, my body gets literal physical pain. My cortisol levels go through the roof, my throat and chest burn, and my muscles start to feel incredibly raw. I feel this way even typing about it right now.
I have developed a terrible aversion to work that results in endless amounts of internet surfing and being deeply avoidant, which makes me shameful and I end up not being able to express to friends and family that I haven't done or accomplished any of my projects. This ended up resulting in an incredible amount of anxiety and depression, where I ended up blunting my emotions and stopped being emotionally honest to myself about my distress, which put me into further traumatic situations. I had a lot go on in the past two years.
I am thinking that it may be due to several reasons:
- I have a lot of reasons to think that I have undiagnosed ADHD-PI, after reading Driven to Distraction and several AskMeFi threads. I am thinking of seeking a diagnosis, but I get paralyzed again when I think of calling the office (woops, I should probably do that.)
- I am an anxious perfectionist with a heavy amount of negative self-talk
- I had a severely abusive boyfriend during high school, who would regularly harass me and bully me into studying more and telling me that I was a failure unless I studied harder for 4 years. I also had a horrible AP Chemistry teacher, where I was in survival mode for 9 months and would give me abusive, harsh looks during class because he knew I was failing to keep up as a student. I would break down and cry regularly during my high school years because of it.
- College wasn't much better, and I was deeply avoidant and still felt like dying everytime I wrote an essay, even though I would always get A+s on the essays. I could never plan or start them well ahead of time though, I would have to finish them in 10-hour all night marathon sprints, and organize all the points in my head. I'm believing that I am not sure how to organize or to do things in a step by step or to-do list manner. I also graduated with a very poor GPA due to the amount of trauma and terrible mental health I was experiencing, and just not really knowing how to handle it all or talk to people in need or really overcome it. I just have a lot of shame from always having so many ideas and connections and projects, but just not being able to complete them because I would get terrified and my body would start hurting.
- I have a lovely therapist that I've been seeing for two years, who is incredibly supportive. We just started doing EMDR therapy for some childhood trauma stuff, and she does great inner child work that I just started. I have a wide network of friends and a strong loving family who wants to see me succeed.
- I have been meditating on and off since I was 18, but kicked back in my meditation practice this year. I've read Pema Chodron and am open to Buddhism.
- I'm aware of ACT, DBT, CBT, etc, but any more specifics would be great.
- I have a productivity apps like Habitica, and I'm so aware of things like Pomodoro, Trello, Bullet Journal, etc. But I have all of these productivity tools, but still, I'm at a loss.
But I am literally terrified and crying because I've been trying to solve this on my own for years now, Googling constantly. I'm so used to figuring out things on my own that it makes me feel helpless that I can't figure out how to solve this on my own. (And even then, I almost decided to not write this question because I googled Emotional Freedom Technique and wanted to try that, but I was like, "No you should probably post this on AskMeFi and see what other people think.")
But I just have been doing some very heavy self-work and vulnerable introspection after I got broken up with 2 months ago with a guy who I really really liked, but I felt like my anxiety and stress contributed very negatively to the relationship. I also realized that my anxiety in the relationship and some of the stranger, clingier behaviors I had in the relationship, was due to me not realizing and being emotionally honest about how I was averse and avoiding the work that I was doing. I kept comparing myself to him because he seemed so together, and for some reason I never told him any of my struggles, even though I'm so sure he would have been happy to help me, because I'm so ashamed. I have been telling people for two years now that I am interested in learning web development, but I have not even made a single website yet.
Please help me. I am deeply interested in doing web development and have so many projects ideas, but I just feel so physically sick and unsure where to start. I feel I am well below living my potential, and I want to change it all and reclaim my life.
Sorry if this post is organized a bit like a mess, trying to not be a perfectionist, but please help!
Best answer: Are you on any medication at all? Because, although you like your therapist, you still seem to be suffering from an incredible amount of mental distress that suggests to this Internet stranger that you would benefit from other forms of treatment, as well.
posted by praemunire at 9:51 PM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 9:51 PM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: After writing this answer, I'm going to step away from doing back and forths since I know asker policy - I'm not on any medication. And actually after writing this initial Ask, I feel really calm. I think I might have been hyperbolizing when I said "I was terrified and crying" because I feel that way in my body but I was only tearing up and acknowledging that my body feels terrified. The rest of my description still sounds for how terrible things are, including my abusive ex.
Something I want to clarify is that it's literally my body that feels this way. My brain itself appears to be actually quite calm and fine right now and I can locate the somatic feelings in my body, but my body still hurts. In the past, I was really overwhelmed by negative thoughts but I've been starting to use CBT and meditation to start to get a control on it. When I was in high school, I would have to shut down my brain to get homework done, while my body was in a great deal of pain. But I just don't want to do work and be in pain anymore. After high school and into college, when I am doing work, I have to actively be like "Acknowledge the pain, this is terrible but just stay focused." Like I have to keep deep breathing and just acknowledge that I have pain and then keep on studying. I acknowledge there may be other mental state stuff I could be missing though.
I'm not really sure why there is this divide but it's one of the reasons why it's been confusing me for years about what is happening.
posted by yueliang at 9:59 PM on April 9, 2017
Something I want to clarify is that it's literally my body that feels this way. My brain itself appears to be actually quite calm and fine right now and I can locate the somatic feelings in my body, but my body still hurts. In the past, I was really overwhelmed by negative thoughts but I've been starting to use CBT and meditation to start to get a control on it. When I was in high school, I would have to shut down my brain to get homework done, while my body was in a great deal of pain. But I just don't want to do work and be in pain anymore. After high school and into college, when I am doing work, I have to actively be like "Acknowledge the pain, this is terrible but just stay focused." Like I have to keep deep breathing and just acknowledge that I have pain and then keep on studying. I acknowledge there may be other mental state stuff I could be missing though.
I'm not really sure why there is this divide but it's one of the reasons why it's been confusing me for years about what is happening.
posted by yueliang at 9:59 PM on April 9, 2017
Best answer: You talk about how you're working on childhood trauma. Was there too much pressure on you to succeed, when you were a kid? Or perhaps your bullying boyfriend or that abusive teacher have really scarred you, causing you lasting pain regarding work. It sounds to me as if working may be calling up some very dark memories of a time when you were working desperately hard, but no matter how hard you worked it was never enough. It almost sounds like a phobic response, the same way that somebody who was attacked by a wild dog can become scared of all dogs. This negative self-talk of yours, does it sound like somebody you've known? Maybe you catch yourself saying, "I'm a lazy loser, just like (name here) always said..."
Is there some way to have fun while you learn, or to get a low-stress job and then take your time learning? Maybe you could get a retail job and learn coding at your own pace, or get a low-stress, low-paying coding job of some sort. Right now I think you have a bad loop going, where you feel like you need to work hard, but working hard causes you pain. You need to break that loop, and that may require changing some plans.
It would help to know what sort of pain you're experiencing. There's a possibility this is something physical, that trying to read gives you terrible headaches because your vision needs correction, or something like that. But I think it's more likely a stress response, a panic thing.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:18 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Is there some way to have fun while you learn, or to get a low-stress job and then take your time learning? Maybe you could get a retail job and learn coding at your own pace, or get a low-stress, low-paying coding job of some sort. Right now I think you have a bad loop going, where you feel like you need to work hard, but working hard causes you pain. You need to break that loop, and that may require changing some plans.
It would help to know what sort of pain you're experiencing. There's a possibility this is something physical, that trying to read gives you terrible headaches because your vision needs correction, or something like that. But I think it's more likely a stress response, a panic thing.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:18 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: The part of you that feels afraid isn't just your "body". It's part of you, your mind, your brain, your limbic system. Some part of you needs some kind of rest, reassurance, connection, reasoning, guidance, love, or comfort that it's not getting. The other part of your brain -- the part that's reasoned and calm enough to write this question, find a therapist, sit you down to write those last-minute essays -- is the part that can take care of the rest of you. (The emotional part takes care of the reasoning part, too, giving it purpose and focus and joy.)
Right now, though, it sounds like your reason-brain is focused on blaming or punishing your scared-brain. That's not helpful. You wouldn't do that to another person, would you?
If you had a friend, or a child, who was that upset, you'd try to find a healthy, safe way to comfort them, and then gently, gradually ask them to do a bit at a time to become more productive -- but not by blaming or shaming them. You'd probably do it by encouraging them, by rewarding small successes, by finding what they were doing _right_ and focusing on that, then building on it.
posted by amtho at 10:23 PM on April 9, 2017 [14 favorites]
Right now, though, it sounds like your reason-brain is focused on blaming or punishing your scared-brain. That's not helpful. You wouldn't do that to another person, would you?
If you had a friend, or a child, who was that upset, you'd try to find a healthy, safe way to comfort them, and then gently, gradually ask them to do a bit at a time to become more productive -- but not by blaming or shaming them. You'd probably do it by encouraging them, by rewarding small successes, by finding what they were doing _right_ and focusing on that, then building on it.
posted by amtho at 10:23 PM on April 9, 2017 [14 favorites]
Best answer: i've been working through something similar. two things:
Notice the use of the word 'but'. It splits you into 'good'/'bad' selves. I want to be employed but my body is in pain. Try replacing it with 'and'. I want to do this, and I am terrified. you need to integrate yourself. 'but' is how to split; 'and' is how you join. go on a campaign to replace But with And. Notice also that 'but' is a roadblock - I would do this thing but pain. as in I vant so it until thebpain stops. 'and' leaves open he possibility.
Second. There is a subconscious part od you that eants to stay stuck. you sre generating the pain yourself. Because you expect to fail and you expect to be hurt and you're trying to protect yourself from this feeling by avoiding the risk. it makes a lot of sense that you would do this givem your history and its mot a bad thing per se. its a good protective mechanism. AND (not but), you need to stop feeling the fear and tell yourseld a different story.
in your question here you've given this pain and fear power over your life. you're yelling yourself a stoey about how the pain controls you and prevents you're from reaching your goals. This is part of a big sefensive striucture you've built to avoid possible pain. noe iy seems you are at a poiny where you realize this is not working for you and you want to make the decision to grow past it. it is going to be brutally hard, and you van do this.
Wriye down your fears, repkace but with and, look for thr emotion. 'I feel pain when I study' -- I would do this but it hurts - I am scared of faikure and scared of abandonment - I am compentent whrn I try - I want to reclaim my life and move forward. find the 'I'm bad' messages and look for the fear that you're protecting yourself from - and then find the story about hoe you 'can', and focus on that. don't ignore the negative talk, note it down, then find the positive story and focus on that. gibe power to your beluef s about your own okaynesss. this hurts amd is scary and I can do it. ive been through a lot and I'm just fine.
Finallt, next time youre in pain, trsce it to the source. don't focus on the pain; look for hoe it got there. investigate what you were doing and what you were thinking when it arrived. in my case I get big cliuds of debilitating fear and panic which cloud my mind ... and... upon closer insprction I found a psrt of myseld off in the corner generating this, like pushing buttons from offstage. catastrophizig, imsgining terrible things, thinking ahout past terrible things, maling everything intoblife or death, all feeeds the fear and keeps me stuvk.
it is comfortable being stuck. its safer. it is going to be very very hard to change and you'll find a lot of slippjg and sliding back in. the extent of the mechanisms you will havr yo change will seem overehelmng; youll be shocked at the scale of it. AND you van do this. a bit at a time, one thought at a time, one belief at a time. You have the power to change. if you work at iy a bit at a time, you eill start to change.
Keep your hand on the gospel plow. think about mantras or songs you van play in your head about moving forward and facing the light. Akways move forwardm Every moment. If somehing feelsbhard iy means irs important you do it and face itm the harder, rhe more important. Keeo moving forward. I believe in you. You can do this.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:09 PM on April 9, 2017 [12 favorites]
Notice the use of the word 'but'. It splits you into 'good'/'bad' selves. I want to be employed but my body is in pain. Try replacing it with 'and'. I want to do this, and I am terrified. you need to integrate yourself. 'but' is how to split; 'and' is how you join. go on a campaign to replace But with And. Notice also that 'but' is a roadblock - I would do this thing but pain. as in I vant so it until thebpain stops. 'and' leaves open he possibility.
Second. There is a subconscious part od you that eants to stay stuck. you sre generating the pain yourself. Because you expect to fail and you expect to be hurt and you're trying to protect yourself from this feeling by avoiding the risk. it makes a lot of sense that you would do this givem your history and its mot a bad thing per se. its a good protective mechanism. AND (not but), you need to stop feeling the fear and tell yourseld a different story.
in your question here you've given this pain and fear power over your life. you're yelling yourself a stoey about how the pain controls you and prevents you're from reaching your goals. This is part of a big sefensive striucture you've built to avoid possible pain. noe iy seems you are at a poiny where you realize this is not working for you and you want to make the decision to grow past it. it is going to be brutally hard, and you van do this.
Wriye down your fears, repkace but with and, look for thr emotion. 'I feel pain when I study' -- I would do this but it hurts - I am scared of faikure and scared of abandonment - I am compentent whrn I try - I want to reclaim my life and move forward. find the 'I'm bad' messages and look for the fear that you're protecting yourself from - and then find the story about hoe you 'can', and focus on that. don't ignore the negative talk, note it down, then find the positive story and focus on that. gibe power to your beluef s about your own okaynesss. this hurts amd is scary and I can do it. ive been through a lot and I'm just fine.
Finallt, next time youre in pain, trsce it to the source. don't focus on the pain; look for hoe it got there. investigate what you were doing and what you were thinking when it arrived. in my case I get big cliuds of debilitating fear and panic which cloud my mind ... and... upon closer insprction I found a psrt of myseld off in the corner generating this, like pushing buttons from offstage. catastrophizig, imsgining terrible things, thinking ahout past terrible things, maling everything intoblife or death, all feeeds the fear and keeps me stuvk.
it is comfortable being stuck. its safer. it is going to be very very hard to change and you'll find a lot of slippjg and sliding back in. the extent of the mechanisms you will havr yo change will seem overehelmng; youll be shocked at the scale of it. AND you van do this. a bit at a time, one thought at a time, one belief at a time. You have the power to change. if you work at iy a bit at a time, you eill start to change.
Keep your hand on the gospel plow. think about mantras or songs you van play in your head about moving forward and facing the light. Akways move forwardm Every moment. If somehing feelsbhard iy means irs important you do it and face itm the harder, rhe more important. Keeo moving forward. I believe in you. You can do this.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:09 PM on April 9, 2017 [12 favorites]
Best answer: I think it would be wise to take these symptoms to a medical doctor, and get some advice. It may be that anxiety medication is what you need, at least temporarily, to deal with your physiological responses when trying new things.
I also wonder if you have ever tried to do things badly on purpose? I've found this useful in managing anxiety around writing tasks - I set a timer for 30-45 minutes and I write the worst, silliest, would-never-show-this-to-anyone version of my project. I mean really deliberately bad, with silly jokes and hyperbole and over-the-top metaphors and everything. Having a bad first draft along those lines helps me lighten up on the project as a whole and makes revising for my more professional second draft a much less stressful task. I wonder if there's something analogous you could try with your projects? Setting a timer and reading a chapter of your coding books in a deliberately silly voice, or something like that? This might be idiosyncratic to me but I'm passing it on in case it works for you as well.
Finally, can I suggest a change in avoidant behaviours? Instead of going online, maybe you could go for a walk, or read books you loved as a child or books that sound fun or interesting to you now that have no link to your goals, or take up a craft that you've tried before or have wanted to try? I think some avoidant behaviour is inevitable with anxiety, even as you learn to manage it, but I think the internet is uniquely suited to exacerbating anxiety in the long term and anything even vaguely physical - like knitting, or listening to music, or writing by hand in a journal - is better.
posted by Aravis76 at 11:15 PM on April 9, 2017 [5 favorites]
I also wonder if you have ever tried to do things badly on purpose? I've found this useful in managing anxiety around writing tasks - I set a timer for 30-45 minutes and I write the worst, silliest, would-never-show-this-to-anyone version of my project. I mean really deliberately bad, with silly jokes and hyperbole and over-the-top metaphors and everything. Having a bad first draft along those lines helps me lighten up on the project as a whole and makes revising for my more professional second draft a much less stressful task. I wonder if there's something analogous you could try with your projects? Setting a timer and reading a chapter of your coding books in a deliberately silly voice, or something like that? This might be idiosyncratic to me but I'm passing it on in case it works for you as well.
Finally, can I suggest a change in avoidant behaviours? Instead of going online, maybe you could go for a walk, or read books you loved as a child or books that sound fun or interesting to you now that have no link to your goals, or take up a craft that you've tried before or have wanted to try? I think some avoidant behaviour is inevitable with anxiety, even as you learn to manage it, but I think the internet is uniquely suited to exacerbating anxiety in the long term and anything even vaguely physical - like knitting, or listening to music, or writing by hand in a journal - is better.
posted by Aravis76 at 11:15 PM on April 9, 2017 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Your body (or the part of your brain sending pain signals through your body) sounds like when you try to "do work" or "move towards goals" it starts screaming as loud as it knows how, "NO! DON"T! DANGER! That way lays more abuse, more pain, please, please, please yueliant, don't put us through that again!
Of course it is responding to signals that it recognizes from the past as signs of danger - not the present. One of the big reason for doing EMDR is that really can help re-wire that part of your brain. So, in the long term, you are already doing the right thing to get better.
In the short term, Officially give yourself time off from public accomplishments while you work on this. Tell your friends you are dealing with medical issues. You are! You can be vague - "I'm struggling with a lot of undiagnosed pain. I'm working with my doctors on this." (you can count your therapist as your doctor. You might also want to see if there are things you do in terms of diet and exercise that will make your body feel better.)
Be very kind and compassionate with yourself. Seconding amtho on this. Look for very small tasks that are so small or so easy that part of your brain doesn't get triggered. Try them out. If sometime you can and sometimes you can't, notice the difference and then try again later when it seems safer.
Be as reassuring as you can in self-talk - you have heard enough abuse in your life around work and goals - use positive support language. Remind yourself that you know that you want these goals, that you are trying as best you can, you will get there eventually, it's OK if the path is straight or as simple as you hoped, you and your body and your brain will figure this out and get there in the end. Because you will!
posted by metahawk at 11:19 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Of course it is responding to signals that it recognizes from the past as signs of danger - not the present. One of the big reason for doing EMDR is that really can help re-wire that part of your brain. So, in the long term, you are already doing the right thing to get better.
In the short term, Officially give yourself time off from public accomplishments while you work on this. Tell your friends you are dealing with medical issues. You are! You can be vague - "I'm struggling with a lot of undiagnosed pain. I'm working with my doctors on this." (you can count your therapist as your doctor. You might also want to see if there are things you do in terms of diet and exercise that will make your body feel better.)
Be very kind and compassionate with yourself. Seconding amtho on this. Look for very small tasks that are so small or so easy that part of your brain doesn't get triggered. Try them out. If sometime you can and sometimes you can't, notice the difference and then try again later when it seems safer.
Be as reassuring as you can in self-talk - you have heard enough abuse in your life around work and goals - use positive support language. Remind yourself that you know that you want these goals, that you are trying as best you can, you will get there eventually, it's OK if the path is straight or as simple as you hoped, you and your body and your brain will figure this out and get there in the end. Because you will!
posted by metahawk at 11:19 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: 1. I have a lot of the same anxiety triggers, and a haywire fight-or-flight response.
2. I am also studying Web Development.
A couple of things that helped me immensely:
A. Medication. I tried everything, and it didn't work to settle down the anxiety. Buspar, however, works like a charm. You may have to try a few different meds, but it's worth it to give it a shot.
B. Is there a local college that has Web Development courses, or a WebDev program? I find that I learn much better in a classroom environment, with set homeworks to slog through, instead of trying to teach myself. If grades are a huge trigger for anxiety (they were for me), see if there's a way to audit a class or two, to get a feel for the field.
C. If there's no program, are there at least Meetups in the area, in the language/dev interest of your choice? Like, if you're interested in WordPress Development, see if there's WP meetups. Love JavaScript? See if there's JS meetups. It'd be a good way to learn more in a nonthreatening environment, and to network a bit as well.
posted by spinifex23 at 12:59 AM on April 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
2. I am also studying Web Development.
A couple of things that helped me immensely:
A. Medication. I tried everything, and it didn't work to settle down the anxiety. Buspar, however, works like a charm. You may have to try a few different meds, but it's worth it to give it a shot.
B. Is there a local college that has Web Development courses, or a WebDev program? I find that I learn much better in a classroom environment, with set homeworks to slog through, instead of trying to teach myself. If grades are a huge trigger for anxiety (they were for me), see if there's a way to audit a class or two, to get a feel for the field.
C. If there's no program, are there at least Meetups in the area, in the language/dev interest of your choice? Like, if you're interested in WordPress Development, see if there's WP meetups. Love JavaScript? See if there's JS meetups. It'd be a good way to learn more in a nonthreatening environment, and to network a bit as well.
posted by spinifex23 at 12:59 AM on April 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: One last thing - if you have a doctor diagnose your anxiety, and you do choose to go to school, you then qualify for Disability Accommodations under the Americans with Disabilities Act; assuming you're in the USA. In my case, that means that I get to take tests in a quiet room, with time and a half, and lectures are taped, so I can watch them later.
posted by spinifex23 at 1:01 AM on April 10, 2017
posted by spinifex23 at 1:01 AM on April 10, 2017
Best answer: I just want to summarize your life from my perspective, based on what you've told us:
• You had a tremendous amount of emotional trauma in high school -- including an abusive boyfriend -- but you managed to graduate and go to college nonetheless.
• Your emotional and mental difficulties made college a constant struggle for you, but you never gave up. You persevered and graduated.
• You are honest with yourself about the fact that your life isn't going the way you want it to. Just admitting that to yourself is a huge step, but it's not the only step you've taken. You are in therapy, and you've stuck with it for two years.
• Furthermore, you have done your own research outside of therapy to identify possible conditions you may have. You had the initiative to do this on your own -- and you have the wisdom to recognize that you need a professional diagnosis to confirm your suspicions.
• You got broken up with a mere two months ago. But despite the recency of this (and the freshness of the emotional pain), you are already reflecting honestly on the relationship and what it can teach you about yourself, and how you might use those lessons to improve your future relationships.
I don't want you to think I'm making you out to be some sort of saint. Like every human on the planet, you are a flawed being with your own particular strengths and weaknesses. And I think the circumstances of your life have put more pressure on your weaknesses than many people experience, and forced you to confront them more directly than most people have to.
To me, you sound like somebody who started off in a very deep hole and has been slowly and steadily climbing out. It must be incredibly frustrating to still be in that hole after all these years, but the fact that you're still in it isn't a sign of failure on your part. It's just a sign of how far you've had to climb.
I am slightly reluctant to offer practical advice, because I have had much better luck than you have, and I don't want to be the guy who climbed out of a half-inch-deep hole and is standing up above you lecturing you on how to do it. But for what it's worth-- as somebody who has often felt overwhelmed and paralyzed by my own ambitions -- I have found it helpful to break my huge life goals into achievable things I can do today, and then break my daily goals into things I can do right now.
Note that I'm not talking about what I want to be able to achieve today, or what I feel like some better version of me could achieve today-- I try to focus on what the Actual Flawed Neurotic Me of this particular day can realistically accomplish. And then I break that down into what The Actual Me of Today can accomplish in the next hour, and if necessary I break that down into what the Actual Me can realistically accomplish in the next few minutes.
I'm not going to try to tell you what your goals should be. But I will tell you that life is long. If your goals in life are to have a happy and healthy romantic relationship, and be a successful web developer, and to be free of anxiety and pain, and to write short stories -- those do not have to be your goals for today, or even for all 2017. Your goal for the next hour might be to write one single line of code. Your goal for the entire day might be to do that one hour of writing one line, and then be kind to yourself for the rest of the day. And when you have convinced yourself that you can do that, you can upgrade that to two lines of code, and so forth. Or maybe your goals have nothing to do with coding and are instead focused on meditation or self-care or something else. Hey, I'm just an stranger on the Internet. I don't know what Actual You can realistically accomplish today. All I know is that tiny incremental improvements can add up to huge accomplishments over the course of a lifetime.
I know you came to AskMe for specific advice on stopping the fight-or-flight instinct, and I apologize for taking a lot of your time with an answer that doesn't help you on that specific issue. Basically, I just want to encourage you to keep working on yourself, but to appreciate how much you've accomplished already.
posted by yankeefog at 1:10 AM on April 10, 2017 [23 favorites]
• You had a tremendous amount of emotional trauma in high school -- including an abusive boyfriend -- but you managed to graduate and go to college nonetheless.
• Your emotional and mental difficulties made college a constant struggle for you, but you never gave up. You persevered and graduated.
• You are honest with yourself about the fact that your life isn't going the way you want it to. Just admitting that to yourself is a huge step, but it's not the only step you've taken. You are in therapy, and you've stuck with it for two years.
• Furthermore, you have done your own research outside of therapy to identify possible conditions you may have. You had the initiative to do this on your own -- and you have the wisdom to recognize that you need a professional diagnosis to confirm your suspicions.
• You got broken up with a mere two months ago. But despite the recency of this (and the freshness of the emotional pain), you are already reflecting honestly on the relationship and what it can teach you about yourself, and how you might use those lessons to improve your future relationships.
I don't want you to think I'm making you out to be some sort of saint. Like every human on the planet, you are a flawed being with your own particular strengths and weaknesses. And I think the circumstances of your life have put more pressure on your weaknesses than many people experience, and forced you to confront them more directly than most people have to.
To me, you sound like somebody who started off in a very deep hole and has been slowly and steadily climbing out. It must be incredibly frustrating to still be in that hole after all these years, but the fact that you're still in it isn't a sign of failure on your part. It's just a sign of how far you've had to climb.
I am slightly reluctant to offer practical advice, because I have had much better luck than you have, and I don't want to be the guy who climbed out of a half-inch-deep hole and is standing up above you lecturing you on how to do it. But for what it's worth-- as somebody who has often felt overwhelmed and paralyzed by my own ambitions -- I have found it helpful to break my huge life goals into achievable things I can do today, and then break my daily goals into things I can do right now.
Note that I'm not talking about what I want to be able to achieve today, or what I feel like some better version of me could achieve today-- I try to focus on what the Actual Flawed Neurotic Me of this particular day can realistically accomplish. And then I break that down into what The Actual Me of Today can accomplish in the next hour, and if necessary I break that down into what the Actual Me can realistically accomplish in the next few minutes.
I'm not going to try to tell you what your goals should be. But I will tell you that life is long. If your goals in life are to have a happy and healthy romantic relationship, and be a successful web developer, and to be free of anxiety and pain, and to write short stories -- those do not have to be your goals for today, or even for all 2017. Your goal for the next hour might be to write one single line of code. Your goal for the entire day might be to do that one hour of writing one line, and then be kind to yourself for the rest of the day. And when you have convinced yourself that you can do that, you can upgrade that to two lines of code, and so forth. Or maybe your goals have nothing to do with coding and are instead focused on meditation or self-care or something else. Hey, I'm just an stranger on the Internet. I don't know what Actual You can realistically accomplish today. All I know is that tiny incremental improvements can add up to huge accomplishments over the course of a lifetime.
I know you came to AskMe for specific advice on stopping the fight-or-flight instinct, and I apologize for taking a lot of your time with an answer that doesn't help you on that specific issue. Basically, I just want to encourage you to keep working on yourself, but to appreciate how much you've accomplished already.
posted by yankeefog at 1:10 AM on April 10, 2017 [23 favorites]
Best answer: A lot of what you wrote resonates with me so much, I also feel a little pain in my stomach. For a very long time, I thought this was a discipline problem. Then I went to therapy and thought this was an anxiety problem. Together with my therapist, we approached it like a phobia. Write down a list of tasks from least scary to most scary and then gradually work my way up, all the while being mindful of any anxiety or pain or other sensations. Gradual exposure. When I finally braced myself and started with the tiniest, least scary task (reading a page of a scientific article, for me), I found that my mind sort of kept gliding away. After a long process of referrals and evaluations, I got a diagnosis for ADHD. In hindsight, not so surprising (hello, gaggle of open browser tabs), but somehow still momentous and strange (how did I make it through so much then?). Now I've been on medication for ADHD for a few weeks, and it has helped a lot. I feel much less the way you describe, and much less often.
I don't think it's a discipline problem anymore. To the contrary, both you and I have struggled and slogged through a lot, despite the inner turmoil. I do still think it's an anxiety problem, but the other way around. Anxiety coming from unfinished tasks and unfulfilled potential and having to hide and pretend to be normal and letting other people and myself down. Not anxiety causing the work problem, but the work problem causing anxiety.
I strongly recommend to plan and then get evaluated for ADHD. And, since this might take a while, give yourself a break and try out whether you can get some of the way without prescribed stimulants but going in the same direction: coffee, exercise (better if it's fun, again for better stimulation and dopamine), finding something else that you enjoy and that stimulates the brain. And then do something tiny, ridiculously tiny, toward your goals and celebrate when you've done it. Not a full pomodoro. A two-minute thing. You've shown so much grit already, now try to get in some fun and motivation. I'm in the process of doing this myself. I had no idea that not only do I deserve fun but I actually need it if I want my brain to stick with something.
It might seem hopeless after all these years of struggle. It's not. There is help and you can get it. Feel free to me-mail me. Coincidentally, I should also work on a web page. We could be work buddies a la Virginia Valian's work problem article (pdf).
posted by meijusa at 2:07 AM on April 10, 2017 [4 favorites]
I don't think it's a discipline problem anymore. To the contrary, both you and I have struggled and slogged through a lot, despite the inner turmoil. I do still think it's an anxiety problem, but the other way around. Anxiety coming from unfinished tasks and unfulfilled potential and having to hide and pretend to be normal and letting other people and myself down. Not anxiety causing the work problem, but the work problem causing anxiety.
I strongly recommend to plan and then get evaluated for ADHD. And, since this might take a while, give yourself a break and try out whether you can get some of the way without prescribed stimulants but going in the same direction: coffee, exercise (better if it's fun, again for better stimulation and dopamine), finding something else that you enjoy and that stimulates the brain. And then do something tiny, ridiculously tiny, toward your goals and celebrate when you've done it. Not a full pomodoro. A two-minute thing. You've shown so much grit already, now try to get in some fun and motivation. I'm in the process of doing this myself. I had no idea that not only do I deserve fun but I actually need it if I want my brain to stick with something.
It might seem hopeless after all these years of struggle. It's not. There is help and you can get it. Feel free to me-mail me. Coincidentally, I should also work on a web page. We could be work buddies a la Virginia Valian's work problem article (pdf).
posted by meijusa at 2:07 AM on April 10, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: First off:
Doing emdr and working on trauma is a full time job.
Yes, it takes the energy and resources of a entire full time job. Your ability to keep going to therapy and to keep working on you is great!
For me, I found that I had to have psychiatric medications to function and do therapy. I cannot just do one or the other.
Try to break down things into small manageable goals. Instead of subscribing to all the lists, follow one list or look at one book. Try to get plenty of sleep and give yourself space. Celebrate your accomplishments!
posted by AlexiaSky at 2:56 AM on April 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
Doing emdr and working on trauma is a full time job.
Yes, it takes the energy and resources of a entire full time job. Your ability to keep going to therapy and to keep working on you is great!
For me, I found that I had to have psychiatric medications to function and do therapy. I cannot just do one or the other.
Try to break down things into small manageable goals. Instead of subscribing to all the lists, follow one list or look at one book. Try to get plenty of sleep and give yourself space. Celebrate your accomplishments!
posted by AlexiaSky at 2:56 AM on April 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: This set off like every PTSD alarm that exists in my head, which is a lot. I'm going to post links to books which have helped me and others I know, but I also want to mention that there can be physical causes behind something so complex. For me there were two different contributing medical conditions that you wouldn't think would present this way, but really contributed to the PTSD a loooot. (My doctors were like, "huh, I guess that makes sense" after the fact.)
I also tried EMDR but it was not nearly as effective for me as psychedlics.
Has your therapist brought up PTSD? I assume so, given the EMDR? A word of warning about these books -- reading them can be triggering. Do it with some support, if you can. (I didn't, and I'm not sure that was good, but it helped to know that these things would be helping me.)
In An Unspoken Voice
Complex PTSD
Healing Developmental Trauma
The Narcissistic Family
Also, I want to second what AlexiaSky said about working through trauma being a full time job. You are very, very critical of yourself, though I bet you don't see that yet. Doing anything at all while fighting your nervous system is incredibly difficult, and yours is constantly on fire. Please take this as part of dealing with your health (not your mental health, if that removes the stigma for you). You wouldn't try to run on a broken leg, because that's obviously dangerous, right? Same thing.
You've had a really hard few months on top of a really hard few years on top of a childhood with trauma in it. Your body is telling you have to try to heal these things first. It's in pain because you're in pain. It's not failing you; it's trying to warn you. It loves you and it's doing its best right now.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:27 AM on April 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
I also tried EMDR but it was not nearly as effective for me as psychedlics.
Has your therapist brought up PTSD? I assume so, given the EMDR? A word of warning about these books -- reading them can be triggering. Do it with some support, if you can. (I didn't, and I'm not sure that was good, but it helped to know that these things would be helping me.)
In An Unspoken Voice
Complex PTSD
Healing Developmental Trauma
The Narcissistic Family
Also, I want to second what AlexiaSky said about working through trauma being a full time job. You are very, very critical of yourself, though I bet you don't see that yet. Doing anything at all while fighting your nervous system is incredibly difficult, and yours is constantly on fire. Please take this as part of dealing with your health (not your mental health, if that removes the stigma for you). You wouldn't try to run on a broken leg, because that's obviously dangerous, right? Same thing.
You've had a really hard few months on top of a really hard few years on top of a childhood with trauma in it. Your body is telling you have to try to heal these things first. It's in pain because you're in pain. It's not failing you; it's trying to warn you. It loves you and it's doing its best right now.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:27 AM on April 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I also used to suffer from GAD, which as you may know, can cause muscular tension and body aches (because people clench their whole bodies, in their anxiety, anticipation, dread). Panic attacks can cause visceral symptoms (like heart palpitations, even nausea). I think it'd be helpful to break down "hurting" into the specific symptoms you're experiencing, because thinking of it as "work = hurt" makes it something huge and powerful and hard to approach, gives it a kind of meaning beyond what it is. Those symptoms can be managed using different techniques. (For GAD, tbf, I count Paxil as a thing that helped in reducing that core and constant agitation [even though it had side effects I resented]. I think there must be better drugs out now... and for all my ambivalent feelings about drugs, I think it's worth considering them. Because I think, yeah, you can try to chip away at that incessant buzzing with tai chi, yoga, mindful breathing, CBT, etc., and all that can help - but I think they're very slow and inefficient solutions. It might help to get some more efficient assistance in just calming your whole body down, at least initially, because this way of being is terrifically entrenched, and physical responses to stressors happen so fast, faster than conscious thought can approach them. And once they get going, they're hard to stop (not impossible, but hard).
I don't have GAD anymore. But I still fall on the anxious spectrum, I suppose. I'm also still pretty avoidant, when it comes down to it, and can get into some awful procrastination, continue to struggle with it. (Two books that have helped in different ways: The Now Habit, recommended by many here, and Constructive Living, courtesy Ideefixe.) I got some wonderful answers on managing anxiety related to procrastination in this question, do check them out.
I find that edging my way into a task sort of obliquely helps a lot. If I think of the whole project (and let myself get into what it means for me on an existential level), and allow the pile of books and papers in front of me to concretize all my fears and apprehensions, I just can't approach it. It's easier if I start with one small thing, just one little step, and let it be just one little step.
If I can't do even that, what often works is reading (or listening to) something in the rough ballpark of the subject of the project - something that I find exciting, and isn't directly related. That way, my interest in the subject is reawakened without triggering anxiety (because I don't have obligations tied to this other thing). I become excited again, I'm reminded of the impulse that got me interested in what I intended to do in the first place. And if I move quickly to some small bit of my own project, that curiosity / excitement is strong enough to carry me through the dread.
But I think even that might be too difficult if you're very often quite intensely agitated, so, 2nd looking into a medical shortcut, just for a short time. (I think if you're anxious about treating your anxiety this way, it's key to find a psychiatrist, not a GP, who you feel comfortable talking about the ins and outs of different meds with, who's willing to listen to you and work with you on trying out different things, and won't push you to a single drug.)
I also think it's important to choose just one kind of project for now. Something small that will give you a victory. You can do other things later.
I know from your presence here that you're incredibly smart, sensitive, thoughtful, and kind - you have a lot to offer. I have confidence that you'll find your way past these blocks to put your ideas out there and take your place in the world.
(But, noting - I don't know many people who didn't fall into some kind of panic in the year or two immediately after graduating. Leaving the structure school provides is terrifying - you have the whole stretch of your life ahead of you, and feel all the weight of responsibility for making it happen in specific ways. And it's not a great time for young people, I imagine the larger obstacles seem even more overwhelming to your generation than they did to mine. BUT. There isn't a lot anyone can fully control about how their lives pan out. You can only start with one thing and see where it takes you. Then something else will open up, maybe something wonderful you didn't expect. And, if something doesn't work, you can try other things, you can readjust. Nothing is perfectly plannable, and nothing is permanent. And you have a lot of time. So, start with one small thing, and see where it leads you.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:52 AM on April 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
I don't have GAD anymore. But I still fall on the anxious spectrum, I suppose. I'm also still pretty avoidant, when it comes down to it, and can get into some awful procrastination, continue to struggle with it. (Two books that have helped in different ways: The Now Habit, recommended by many here, and Constructive Living, courtesy Ideefixe.) I got some wonderful answers on managing anxiety related to procrastination in this question, do check them out.
I find that edging my way into a task sort of obliquely helps a lot. If I think of the whole project (and let myself get into what it means for me on an existential level), and allow the pile of books and papers in front of me to concretize all my fears and apprehensions, I just can't approach it. It's easier if I start with one small thing, just one little step, and let it be just one little step.
If I can't do even that, what often works is reading (or listening to) something in the rough ballpark of the subject of the project - something that I find exciting, and isn't directly related. That way, my interest in the subject is reawakened without triggering anxiety (because I don't have obligations tied to this other thing). I become excited again, I'm reminded of the impulse that got me interested in what I intended to do in the first place. And if I move quickly to some small bit of my own project, that curiosity / excitement is strong enough to carry me through the dread.
But I think even that might be too difficult if you're very often quite intensely agitated, so, 2nd looking into a medical shortcut, just for a short time. (I think if you're anxious about treating your anxiety this way, it's key to find a psychiatrist, not a GP, who you feel comfortable talking about the ins and outs of different meds with, who's willing to listen to you and work with you on trying out different things, and won't push you to a single drug.)
I also think it's important to choose just one kind of project for now. Something small that will give you a victory. You can do other things later.
I know from your presence here that you're incredibly smart, sensitive, thoughtful, and kind - you have a lot to offer. I have confidence that you'll find your way past these blocks to put your ideas out there and take your place in the world.
(But, noting - I don't know many people who didn't fall into some kind of panic in the year or two immediately after graduating. Leaving the structure school provides is terrifying - you have the whole stretch of your life ahead of you, and feel all the weight of responsibility for making it happen in specific ways. And it's not a great time for young people, I imagine the larger obstacles seem even more overwhelming to your generation than they did to mine. BUT. There isn't a lot anyone can fully control about how their lives pan out. You can only start with one thing and see where it takes you. Then something else will open up, maybe something wonderful you didn't expect. And, if something doesn't work, you can try other things, you can readjust. Nothing is perfectly plannable, and nothing is permanent. And you have a lot of time. So, start with one small thing, and see where it leads you.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:52 AM on April 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This might sound weird, but have you thought about taking up yoga? I'm specifically going to recommend Yoga With Adriene (free, on YouTube, doesn't require special gear).
Here's why.
1. Yoga is all about a *practice,* not a performance. It can be really, really hard, but the mental change from "I must do this perfectly!!!" to "I'm going to see what feels good today" is pretty empowering and awesome, and I think it could be really helpful for you, since you seem to have a lot of perfectionistic tendencies. (Not a bad thing! I do too! But it's nice to get a little break from them sometimes.)
2. Yoga in general is about connecting your mind to your body, which seems important for you, given that mental things (thoughts, situations, etc.) are causing physical things (muscle pain, throat and chest burning, etc.) for you. It can seem counterintuitive - I had neck pain for a long time and the last thing I wanted to do was *pay more attention* to how my neck felt - but once you actually start feeling the pain, you can also start feeling ways to help or ease the pain. For me, paying attention to my tight neck also helped me realize when I was putting it in weird positions or tensing it up and making the pain worse. I have told people before that I never really understood what people meant when they said "relax your shoulders" - I mean, how do you do that? But with yoga, I can consciously relax my shoulders, and feel the relief it gives my neck, and it's awesome.
3. Yoga With Adriene in particular is about "finding what feels good." To build on the example from above, it's not just about "whoa, relaxing my shoulders makes my neck feel better" but "stretching my neck feels physically good" or "giving myself a foot massage feels awesome." This is great from both a linking-mind-and-body perspective (figuring out how to give your body positive feedback instead of just accidentally sending it a lot of negative feedback when you get stressed) and also from a self-care perspective. Before I started doing yoga, I never would have guessed that a five-minute foot massage would count as a "reward" for me. It's awesome and good for me and makes me feel good and doesn't require spending any money and isn't part of the internet time suck I often get caught up in. It makes me feel like I've done something productive while also doing something that felt great, which is awesome self-care.
If you're interested, you might start with some of Adriene's recent quick videos, like this 10-Minute Yoga for Self-Care, this 7-Minute Bedtime Yoga, or this 6-Minute Yoga Chill video. Other recs include A Little Goes a Long Way and Yoga for Anxiety.
Good luck. I know it's hard to hear it when your mind is telling you lots of mean stuff all the time, but you are awesome, and all the work you're putting in to feel better is productive, admirable, and totally worth it.
posted by bananacabana at 3:44 PM on April 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
Here's why.
1. Yoga is all about a *practice,* not a performance. It can be really, really hard, but the mental change from "I must do this perfectly!!!" to "I'm going to see what feels good today" is pretty empowering and awesome, and I think it could be really helpful for you, since you seem to have a lot of perfectionistic tendencies. (Not a bad thing! I do too! But it's nice to get a little break from them sometimes.)
2. Yoga in general is about connecting your mind to your body, which seems important for you, given that mental things (thoughts, situations, etc.) are causing physical things (muscle pain, throat and chest burning, etc.) for you. It can seem counterintuitive - I had neck pain for a long time and the last thing I wanted to do was *pay more attention* to how my neck felt - but once you actually start feeling the pain, you can also start feeling ways to help or ease the pain. For me, paying attention to my tight neck also helped me realize when I was putting it in weird positions or tensing it up and making the pain worse. I have told people before that I never really understood what people meant when they said "relax your shoulders" - I mean, how do you do that? But with yoga, I can consciously relax my shoulders, and feel the relief it gives my neck, and it's awesome.
3. Yoga With Adriene in particular is about "finding what feels good." To build on the example from above, it's not just about "whoa, relaxing my shoulders makes my neck feel better" but "stretching my neck feels physically good" or "giving myself a foot massage feels awesome." This is great from both a linking-mind-and-body perspective (figuring out how to give your body positive feedback instead of just accidentally sending it a lot of negative feedback when you get stressed) and also from a self-care perspective. Before I started doing yoga, I never would have guessed that a five-minute foot massage would count as a "reward" for me. It's awesome and good for me and makes me feel good and doesn't require spending any money and isn't part of the internet time suck I often get caught up in. It makes me feel like I've done something productive while also doing something that felt great, which is awesome self-care.
If you're interested, you might start with some of Adriene's recent quick videos, like this 10-Minute Yoga for Self-Care, this 7-Minute Bedtime Yoga, or this 6-Minute Yoga Chill video. Other recs include A Little Goes a Long Way and Yoga for Anxiety.
Good luck. I know it's hard to hear it when your mind is telling you lots of mean stuff all the time, but you are awesome, and all the work you're putting in to feel better is productive, admirable, and totally worth it.
posted by bananacabana at 3:44 PM on April 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Oh my goodness. I feel so so safe and loved, and I really feel like there is a light on the other end of the tunnel. It's like I can finally sit down and cry and it'll be okay. It's like I can actually ask for help and I'll get it too, for the most struggling parts of me. I want to write more detailed replies first, but I just wanted to send this before I forget.
You all have helped me put together pieces of this really complex puzzle, and made me realize so many things that are either new to me, thought about in the past but wasn't sure, and helped validate so many things. Thank you so much for the love and encouragement.
Because of the love of this post, I actually pushed forward and made a phone call to the local psychiatrist clinic. My first appointment will be on June 13th, which is two months from now, but I am so so glad. I've been struggling and putting it off for about 3 years. I was so nervous while making it, but you all have helped provide such strong support and evidence that this is a really pro-active take on my health. I will be asking about an ADHD diagnosis and anti-anxiety medication, and will try to keep a journal of my symptoms and observations before then, so if anyone has recommendations for what to do before and during the appointment, I really welcome them!
I think this is also making me realize that with the constellation of my life experiences and symptoms, that I really need to prioritize self-love and start from a basis of "I deserve to be happy, comfortable, and free" and start rejecting and asserting and questioning anything that doesn't make me so, and to orient myself towards a life that will help make it more so. It seems really daunting for me as someone who is a queer woman of color and done a lot of feminist activist work, but I think I will work on prioritizing joy and fun in my projects instead of giving myself so much pressure, especially on top of everything I've had to deal with.
I also have been sending your answers to some friends with similar backgrounds and histories and mental health issues, so you all are also helping many people I love too. Thank you so much.
posted by yueliang at 1:26 AM on April 11, 2017 [10 favorites]
You all have helped me put together pieces of this really complex puzzle, and made me realize so many things that are either new to me, thought about in the past but wasn't sure, and helped validate so many things. Thank you so much for the love and encouragement.
Because of the love of this post, I actually pushed forward and made a phone call to the local psychiatrist clinic. My first appointment will be on June 13th, which is two months from now, but I am so so glad. I've been struggling and putting it off for about 3 years. I was so nervous while making it, but you all have helped provide such strong support and evidence that this is a really pro-active take on my health. I will be asking about an ADHD diagnosis and anti-anxiety medication, and will try to keep a journal of my symptoms and observations before then, so if anyone has recommendations for what to do before and during the appointment, I really welcome them!
I think this is also making me realize that with the constellation of my life experiences and symptoms, that I really need to prioritize self-love and start from a basis of "I deserve to be happy, comfortable, and free" and start rejecting and asserting and questioning anything that doesn't make me so, and to orient myself towards a life that will help make it more so. It seems really daunting for me as someone who is a queer woman of color and done a lot of feminist activist work, but I think I will work on prioritizing joy and fun in my projects instead of giving myself so much pressure, especially on top of everything I've had to deal with.
I also have been sending your answers to some friends with similar backgrounds and histories and mental health issues, so you all are also helping many people I love too. Thank you so much.
posted by yueliang at 1:26 AM on April 11, 2017 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: I also want to note since it was brought to my attention by an awesome MeFite - for any Asian Americans in particular who are reading this post, I'm a 2nd generation Chinese American, and apparently it's common in our community for our mental health to manifest as somatization, which is apparently the name for mental health symptoms to manifest as physical symptoms, which is what I wrote about in the Ask and is part of the reason why I did not recognize my anxiety symptoms for so long. Here are some links I did research on:
Assessing Somatization within Asian American Clients
Somatization in Chinese American clients: Implications for psychotherapeutic services
posted by yueliang at 1:29 AM on April 11, 2017 [5 favorites]
Assessing Somatization within Asian American Clients
Somatization in Chinese American clients: Implications for psychotherapeutic services
posted by yueliang at 1:29 AM on April 11, 2017 [5 favorites]
Best answer: For your follow-up question on what to do before an ADHD evaluation: I recommend doing some self-screening using the Wender Utah scale (pdf) and DSM 5 diagnostic criteria (pdf) and to think about examples from childhood, get input from family members if you can. The five-to-fifteen questionnaire (pdf) is a useful tool for collecting perceptions of behavior in childhood.
posted by meijusa at 12:22 AM on April 12, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by meijusa at 12:22 AM on April 12, 2017 [1 favorite]
I could easily have written this post myself. Some of the details are different, but the core issues are the same.
The last time I worked a full-time job, I was in the ER once a week for 4 weeks before being hospitalized for a week. That last ER visit, I had lost the use of my left arm and leg and had severe aphasia. I knew that I knew the words I wanted to say, I just couldn't find them in the filing cabinet where my vocabulary lives. You know how in doctor's offices and hospitals, everyone who comes in the room asks "Can you tell me your name and date of birth"? My answer for most of that week was "No." Confused the hell out of them, let me tell you... They thought I'd had a stroke.
Turned out I had Conversion Disorder. It's a somatic symptom disorder which may have come up in those last two links you took a look at.
Hang in there, friend. It gets better.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 10:43 AM on May 11, 2017
The last time I worked a full-time job, I was in the ER once a week for 4 weeks before being hospitalized for a week. That last ER visit, I had lost the use of my left arm and leg and had severe aphasia. I knew that I knew the words I wanted to say, I just couldn't find them in the filing cabinet where my vocabulary lives. You know how in doctor's offices and hospitals, everyone who comes in the room asks "Can you tell me your name and date of birth"? My answer for most of that week was "No." Confused the hell out of them, let me tell you... They thought I'd had a stroke.
Turned out I had Conversion Disorder. It's a somatic symptom disorder which may have come up in those last two links you took a look at.
Hang in there, friend. It gets better.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 10:43 AM on May 11, 2017
Response by poster: Update: After a pretty disastrous first appointment with my psychiatrist, where I pretty much had a panic attack because I got re-triggered due to having an extremely bad experience with my first psychiatrist (who literally just gave me meds without talking to me much about them.) I had to really think and sit and evaluate about it. I was in such a rage after the appointment and almost decided to just stop seeing him all together. Thankfully, I made a Facebook post about it, got an enormous amount of emotional validation for my pain. Thankfully I had three close friends who also see this same psychiatrist, and gave me pointers that he has a poor bedside manner but he is really good for medication, and that most likely I would be advised to take medication first for anxiety before even proceeding with an ADHD diagnosis. I also had to think about and notice how much I suppressed my anxiety in my daily life, and started being more honest about tracking my symptoms, which ranged from being fairly suicidal to just wanting to give up on things immediately, to having extremely harsh negative assumptions about myself and my abilities and others, combined with gnawing body stress and suddenly feeling hot.
I went back yesterday for my follow-up appointment, and I got prescribed generic Lexapro, starting with 2.5 mg for the first five days, then 5 mg for the rest of the time. I articulated my bad experiences from the first appointment, and we talked in detail about what to expect, and that it would be like any other substance, in that I can start off slow and see how it feels and then adjust accordingly, and that he's supposed to be there to help monitor the dosage or change the medication. Unfortunately, he was extremely resistant to me seeking an ADHD diagnosis, but I believe it is because I live in a college town where a lot of people sell Adderall for cash money. I still believe I have undiagnosed ADHD, but I will have to seek diagnosis elsewhere since he is not listening to my concerns for that, and I'll continue to read and learn ADHD coping tips. But a friend of mine told me that Lexapro has secondary treatments that may also improve symptoms of ADHD, so I'm thinking about that.
Also, as a first day report, I took it last night before I went to bed. I woke up this morning feeling anxious with an elevated heart rate, and then suddenly pretty calm an hour later, and then an hour later, I'm in an euphoria and feel pretty great. I think the equivalent is either the mental high after an extremely good meditation session or orgasm, or the very slow uptake/downtake after eating an edible. I feel rather fuzzy and light, and I'm just feeling very nonplussed about a lot of the thought points that would usually send me into an anxiety spiral. Combined with my DBT/CBT techniques, it's really weird. I feel like I'm supercharged mentally, and I feel like I'm using a cheat code to be happy and normal.
I'm SO CONFUSED. Is this what neurotypicals feel like on a daily basis? This is wild, I don't know if you're supposed to feel this content and happy. Thankfully, my analytical side hasn't gone away, but it just doesn't have an association of doom and anxiety spirals that I'm accustomed to having it with. Seriously, what the fuck, I could have felt like this all the time? Seriously what the fuck is this fucking shit I'm in a good mood and probably gonna go play Stardew Valley and Moana instead of agonizing about whether I should play Stardew Valley and Moana, now I'm just mad about my depression and anxiety telling me to be anxious about taking medication, what the fuck
Oh, nope. My brain is still pretty powerful, because now I'm starting to get pretty anxious about whether I am having mania because I'm feeling good and it wants to make me start being anxious and upset again. Not gonna entertain you right now, no.
posted by yueliang at 3:14 PM on July 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
I went back yesterday for my follow-up appointment, and I got prescribed generic Lexapro, starting with 2.5 mg for the first five days, then 5 mg for the rest of the time. I articulated my bad experiences from the first appointment, and we talked in detail about what to expect, and that it would be like any other substance, in that I can start off slow and see how it feels and then adjust accordingly, and that he's supposed to be there to help monitor the dosage or change the medication. Unfortunately, he was extremely resistant to me seeking an ADHD diagnosis, but I believe it is because I live in a college town where a lot of people sell Adderall for cash money. I still believe I have undiagnosed ADHD, but I will have to seek diagnosis elsewhere since he is not listening to my concerns for that, and I'll continue to read and learn ADHD coping tips. But a friend of mine told me that Lexapro has secondary treatments that may also improve symptoms of ADHD, so I'm thinking about that.
Also, as a first day report, I took it last night before I went to bed. I woke up this morning feeling anxious with an elevated heart rate, and then suddenly pretty calm an hour later, and then an hour later, I'm in an euphoria and feel pretty great. I think the equivalent is either the mental high after an extremely good meditation session or orgasm, or the very slow uptake/downtake after eating an edible. I feel rather fuzzy and light, and I'm just feeling very nonplussed about a lot of the thought points that would usually send me into an anxiety spiral. Combined with my DBT/CBT techniques, it's really weird. I feel like I'm supercharged mentally, and I feel like I'm using a cheat code to be happy and normal.
I'm SO CONFUSED. Is this what neurotypicals feel like on a daily basis? This is wild, I don't know if you're supposed to feel this content and happy. Thankfully, my analytical side hasn't gone away, but it just doesn't have an association of doom and anxiety spirals that I'm accustomed to having it with. Seriously, what the fuck, I could have felt like this all the time? Seriously what the fuck is this fucking shit I'm in a good mood and probably gonna go play Stardew Valley and Moana instead of agonizing about whether I should play Stardew Valley and Moana, now I'm just mad about my depression and anxiety telling me to be anxious about taking medication, what the fuck
Oh, nope. My brain is still pretty powerful, because now I'm starting to get pretty anxious about whether I am having mania because I'm feeling good and it wants to make me start being anxious and upset again. Not gonna entertain you right now, no.
posted by yueliang at 3:14 PM on July 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: As a note - I'm so very fortunate that I'm currently (so far) dealing with positive effects, not saying this will be the same experience for anyone reading this. But I'm pretty pleasantly surprised, especially after spending so much time learning coping habits and working so hard to heal from my trauma, which is still an ongoing project. Thank you all for reading this.
posted by yueliang at 3:28 PM on July 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by yueliang at 3:28 PM on July 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
Just dropping in to say that the first time I took Lexapro I felt an immediate hazy high, but it's never happened again since. Back then I was dealing with severe all-day panic attacks due to worry over a medical condition, and maybe that's why I had such a strong reaction the first time I took Lexapro. After being so panicked for so long, I was having a sharp swing in the opposite direction. Maybe you went through something similar. Just guessing. But the Lexapro definitely helped take the edge off the panic, and I've continued to take it now that my life has settled down a bit. I think I'm less prone to anxiety and despair than I was, but I don't feel "drugged" at all.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 11:14 PM on July 8, 2017
posted by Ursula Hitler at 11:14 PM on July 8, 2017
Mod note: Final update from the OP:
It's been around a year and 2 months since I posted this post, and actually the life-changing advice and sheer compassion and humanity from these answers to my question has really changed everything here and helped me kickstart my life again. I actually can't believe it's only been that long, since it's felt like several lifetimes ago. I've grown and changed immensely as a person.posted by taz (staff) at 11:13 PM on July 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
I ended up applying for an MFA program that I got invited to, almost got in if it wasn't for my GPA situation, and am currently re-applying for a second time and being hopeful. Writing and designing an entire application and portfolio for two weeks straight required such a strength of self that I could not believe I conjured up, but I did it! I read your comments a lot during that time.
I have decided to stop taking Lexapro a few months ago and have been tapering off and have not taken it for a month now, so it was around a year that I took it. It left with me some weight gain and being constantly hungry all the time, but my brain has felt re-wired and I feel so grateful for it.
My previous therapist decided to end our sessions due to her deciding to pursue lucrative life coaching work (no ill will between us) and I found a new therapist who is a woman of color, validates my rage with white supremacy, and focuses on CBT/ACT/DBT techniques. Her approach towards helping me with emotional regulation and breaking out of catastrophic thinking was really refreshing, especially because my previous therapist's psychodynamic approach (where almost everything was related back to a trauma or my childhood) was no longer providing useful, as I have mostly worked through my trauma with her.
I also ended a friendship with someone who I thought was my best friend, but then I realized that they were not taking accountability for their negative and toxic behaviors towards me. I understood and sympathized with them, but I no longer wished to make excuses for someone who did not have my best well-being in mind, especially because I was trying to go on a path of recovery where I could respect my trauma history, and still hold myself and my behaviors accountable. I also realized how much my previous friend groups are trapped in a constant stew of trauma and untenable situations due to their positionalities, and decided that I really needed to set strong boundaries for myself and let people know that I do not support or find certain behaviors helpful to me and my growth and their growth. This also helped me realize that I really did not deserve any of the abusive behaviors that I listed in the original Ask, and I thank you all everyday for your deeply compassionate answers, because I had to repeat those and read those every day for 6 months in order to just believe it. Do not underestimate the power of your help on this forum.
Because of all of this growth, I have asked for an extension on my scholarship to learn how to program, and can feel myself growing towards being able to do consistent work because of my new ability to manage my emotions and trauma with my new brain chemistry. I look forward to finishing my first portfolio website this week or next week, and then going on to learn Javascript, where I could hopefully post something on MeFi to share with you all.
Also, now I can pinpoint behaviors that lead me towards places that cause me to doubt myself, and to learn how to stop them a lot earlier. I also am working slowly towards drawing and writing stories back up again, but no longer buying into the negative self-talk that kept me away from it when I was 13 years old. I'm 26 now, so I feel 13 years late, but I also am just happy to create again without blocks and for the pure joy of it.
So things have been really, really good, and I am so grateful for you all. You all really helped keep me alive, and a lot of these comments were from people that I have read many times and admired so much, and the ones I didn't recognize, I appreciate you coming out of the shadows to really help me out. This response helped give me the strength and nourishment I needed to rebuild my confidence and stand strong again, and I am really happy and confident. So thank you so much!
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by yueliang at 9:45 PM on April 9, 2017