Managing the end of a relationship due to distance
April 8, 2017 3:14 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend is moving away for a once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity. My own career situation requires that I stay here, so we're breaking up. What are the rules of engagement for making this as endurable as possible?
SO and I are late 20s, both want to settle down and have a partner, but also both pretty sure that getting into a long term long distance relationship right now is not something either of us wants (it would be years before we could theoretically be in the same place at the same time again). We're enjoying the time we have left together in the same place (a couple more months) and then saying goodbye.
I've never ended a relationship this way before and I'm not sure how to prepare myself emotionally or what the best way to handle it will be. Is no contact the best approach? Are there things -- activities, ways of thinking about what happened, etc -- that you found in similar situations to be helpful? Did you go through this and have major regrets about something you did or didn't do?
SO and I are late 20s, both want to settle down and have a partner, but also both pretty sure that getting into a long term long distance relationship right now is not something either of us wants (it would be years before we could theoretically be in the same place at the same time again). We're enjoying the time we have left together in the same place (a couple more months) and then saying goodbye.
I've never ended a relationship this way before and I'm not sure how to prepare myself emotionally or what the best way to handle it will be. Is no contact the best approach? Are there things -- activities, ways of thinking about what happened, etc -- that you found in similar situations to be helpful? Did you go through this and have major regrets about something you did or didn't do?
It does not have to be years before the two get back together. It does not have to be that the two of you have to be apart. You have both decided, that while you love each other very much - you each have an opportunity which is more important than staying together. Both of you sound like you have made that decision. It is a good decision to make. It is an honest decision to make. The fact that you are both this honest with each other is amazing and a rare thing to find. There is much to love about both of you in this regard.
But, you also both know that this is the end. So do your favorite things. Spend time together. Love each other. And then part ways. Do not torture yourselves with what could have been, or did you make the right decision. The choice you both made is what happened, and it sounds like you both agree this is the decision being made. So when he leaves, wish him well and watch him go...
Then turn back around and embrace the world you live in.
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:37 PM on April 8, 2017 [26 favorites]
But, you also both know that this is the end. So do your favorite things. Spend time together. Love each other. And then part ways. Do not torture yourselves with what could have been, or did you make the right decision. The choice you both made is what happened, and it sounds like you both agree this is the decision being made. So when he leaves, wish him well and watch him go...
Then turn back around and embrace the world you live in.
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:37 PM on April 8, 2017 [26 favorites]
I was in this situation and emotionally the thing I kept reminding myself was that despite things being horrible in the moment (which yes, it was very painful at the time), ultimately I was choosing this because I just didn't love him enough/want to be with him enough. If he were the person I was meant to marry and be with forever, and I had those forever feelings about him, he'd be more important to me than my career, and vice versa. Certainly, that has been my experience with my now-husband...he ended up moving cross-country for me, and at a different time I made a big career decision based on what was best for him. No way would we have broken up (or now get divorced) because of career reasons -- we are very clear that we are each others' top priority. So, I think maybe it helps to frame it that way -- that even though the break up will be hard, ultimately you don't have the feelings you need and want to have for a life-long commitment relationship.
I would strongly suggest a period of no-contact/no-communication after the break up, at least for a time. You want to make sure you're getting support from your friends, family -- whatever parts of your social network are not your boyfriend. And he needs to do the same with building a new life in his new city. It will be hard to do this if you keep being each other's main support. Once you guys have moved on and are dating other people (either casually or seriously -- I'm not saying you have to be married, just not holding a torch for the person anymore!), then I think it is fine to connect again, at least casually. The boyfriend I broke up with due to distance and I have seen each other a few times since when one of us happened to be in the other's city, and it was a little awkward but ultimately completely fine and nice to catch up.
posted by rainbowbrite at 5:13 PM on April 8, 2017 [20 favorites]
I would strongly suggest a period of no-contact/no-communication after the break up, at least for a time. You want to make sure you're getting support from your friends, family -- whatever parts of your social network are not your boyfriend. And he needs to do the same with building a new life in his new city. It will be hard to do this if you keep being each other's main support. Once you guys have moved on and are dating other people (either casually or seriously -- I'm not saying you have to be married, just not holding a torch for the person anymore!), then I think it is fine to connect again, at least casually. The boyfriend I broke up with due to distance and I have seen each other a few times since when one of us happened to be in the other's city, and it was a little awkward but ultimately completely fine and nice to catch up.
posted by rainbowbrite at 5:13 PM on April 8, 2017 [20 favorites]
I was in a really great relationship that ended when I moved cross country. We both figured we were cool and mature about it, we joked that there'd be a few weekend nookie runs, and there was one, but I kinda landed in an unanticipated serious relationship within weeks of moving and the person I left, whom I did care for, got really hurt.
So I guess my advice is, both be very clear in your heads, and explicitly with each other right now, you each will be in other relationships, serious ones and one night stands. If that makes you sad or jealous or sours your time left together, react accordingly. That might be a long distance thing, that might mean no contact, that might mean stopping seeing each other now. But don't do this shit halfway, thinking that whatever happens, happens. What's happening is you are each moving on with your lives without each other.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:18 PM on April 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
So I guess my advice is, both be very clear in your heads, and explicitly with each other right now, you each will be in other relationships, serious ones and one night stands. If that makes you sad or jealous or sours your time left together, react accordingly. That might be a long distance thing, that might mean no contact, that might mean stopping seeing each other now. But don't do this shit halfway, thinking that whatever happens, happens. What's happening is you are each moving on with your lives without each other.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:18 PM on April 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
Yes, do the no-contact thing and get out there a bit. When you meet your soul mate no amount of moving cross-country or career will compete.
posted by tillsbury at 1:28 AM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by tillsbury at 1:28 AM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
I ended a relationship in similar circumstances. We'd been together for years, opportunities were opening up for me and my partner was not able to come along for the ride. No contact was next to impossible as we had several business and online entanglements that made it difficult to navigate without imploding beneficial things in our lives. It took 8 months to reach the true no contact period and I had to enforce the heck out of it because my ex-partner had begun realizing what a huge mistake had been made in how our relationship progressed to an ending. My ex-partner was suddenly ready to ride along with me and I had completely moved on. Be prepared for that.
Tie up the affairs that exist between you, communicate that you'll both need a cooling off period to settle the rush of indecision and continue to charge bravely into both your new futures after the breakup. Both of you will change in ways you won't believe and it may be interesting at a later date to reflect and compare that with each other. No contact isn't meant to be cruel, it's meant to bring a natural conclusion to a situation where otherwise it would continue open-endedly and things be misinterpreted, unless both parties are highly evolved. Hint: we're human, no one's that highly evolved.
Prepare yourself now: pick up the hobbies you may not have enjoyed as much while coupled, strike out to learn something new, immerse yourself in your career, be more open to interactions with others, and take the time to grieve the end of a partnership. It will take time, but accept that it will happen and give that feeling a big hug.
You will find that you will have no regrets. The thing you think is regret is mostly just missing being part of something. That will fade. Give it time.
posted by missh at 8:38 AM on April 9, 2017 [5 favorites]
Tie up the affairs that exist between you, communicate that you'll both need a cooling off period to settle the rush of indecision and continue to charge bravely into both your new futures after the breakup. Both of you will change in ways you won't believe and it may be interesting at a later date to reflect and compare that with each other. No contact isn't meant to be cruel, it's meant to bring a natural conclusion to a situation where otherwise it would continue open-endedly and things be misinterpreted, unless both parties are highly evolved. Hint: we're human, no one's that highly evolved.
Prepare yourself now: pick up the hobbies you may not have enjoyed as much while coupled, strike out to learn something new, immerse yourself in your career, be more open to interactions with others, and take the time to grieve the end of a partnership. It will take time, but accept that it will happen and give that feeling a big hug.
You will find that you will have no regrets. The thing you think is regret is mostly just missing being part of something. That will fade. Give it time.
posted by missh at 8:38 AM on April 9, 2017 [5 favorites]
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posted by raccoon409 at 3:31 PM on April 8, 2017 [4 favorites]