Accepting help in a time of need
April 8, 2017 5:27 AM Subscribe
I have experienced a loss and people want to reach out and 'help' me. I'm having very conflicted feelings about this. I'm not sure how to more graciously handle these offers?
My husband passed away last month and I have a small baby. That is heavy stuff, and I recognize that, and I understand why people want to 'help.' I would too on the other side of it, I'm sure, and people are telling me to be gracious and accept the help because a) I actually do need it and b) people really, really want to.
I seem to be doing okay with the non-things help. You want to come visit me so I have something to do? Great! Might I perhaps appreciate a ride to the grocery store or an afternoon to run some errands while you stay with the baby? Yes, actually. These are all very helpful things.
But the things help...a few people have quietly passed me envelopes of money. I say thank you and send a note and do all the right responses, but I feel very uncomfortable about these. I have been raised to value independence, and the idea that my family and friends and community are looking at me as this person who needs all this 'help' is a little uncomfortable for me. But then a new box of diapers is $40 and so I spend the money.
Another example, I had mentioned to someone in my mom group that I wanted to buy a new bedspread and sheets and change up my room a little. They all chipped in and bought it for me, complete with pillows and sheets and everything. I hadn't expected that. I feel simultaneously undeserving (what did I do to merit this generosity? Nothing!) and a little guilty because I'm happy to have new stuff?
The latest was an email yesterday from a daughter of my mother's friend who has two slightly older children, and has not thrown away a single thing. This, books, clothes, everything, I can have it all, it's the least she can do. I won't have to buy him any clothes until he's five years old. And I would be stupid to turn that down because it's a massively useful pile of stuff, and yes I do have money to buy my own things but daycare is going to cost a fortune...
I'm guessing you all will say to take the stuff and send a nice note and don't feel bad about it :-) But how can I reconcile this in my mind so it's not such a weird thing?
My husband passed away last month and I have a small baby. That is heavy stuff, and I recognize that, and I understand why people want to 'help.' I would too on the other side of it, I'm sure, and people are telling me to be gracious and accept the help because a) I actually do need it and b) people really, really want to.
I seem to be doing okay with the non-things help. You want to come visit me so I have something to do? Great! Might I perhaps appreciate a ride to the grocery store or an afternoon to run some errands while you stay with the baby? Yes, actually. These are all very helpful things.
But the things help...a few people have quietly passed me envelopes of money. I say thank you and send a note and do all the right responses, but I feel very uncomfortable about these. I have been raised to value independence, and the idea that my family and friends and community are looking at me as this person who needs all this 'help' is a little uncomfortable for me. But then a new box of diapers is $40 and so I spend the money.
Another example, I had mentioned to someone in my mom group that I wanted to buy a new bedspread and sheets and change up my room a little. They all chipped in and bought it for me, complete with pillows and sheets and everything. I hadn't expected that. I feel simultaneously undeserving (what did I do to merit this generosity? Nothing!) and a little guilty because I'm happy to have new stuff?
The latest was an email yesterday from a daughter of my mother's friend who has two slightly older children, and has not thrown away a single thing. This, books, clothes, everything, I can have it all, it's the least she can do. I won't have to buy him any clothes until he's five years old. And I would be stupid to turn that down because it's a massively useful pile of stuff, and yes I do have money to buy my own things but daycare is going to cost a fortune...
I'm guessing you all will say to take the stuff and send a nice note and don't feel bad about it :-) But how can I reconcile this in my mind so it's not such a weird thing?
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It must be very difficult.
In a different context, my motto is "if you pay the taxes, then take the benefit." In your context, if you would want to help a friend, let a friend help you.
posted by SemiSalt at 5:53 AM on April 8, 2017 [23 favorites]
In a different context, my motto is "if you pay the taxes, then take the benefit." In your context, if you would want to help a friend, let a friend help you.
posted by SemiSalt at 5:53 AM on April 8, 2017 [23 favorites]
People like to see other people succeed when faced with trauma they either know or can barely imagine. Take what makes sense because you really should let go now and eventually do this for somebody else. You are not who you were before this loss and shouldn't feel bound by old principles.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 5:55 AM on April 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by Mr. Yuck at 5:55 AM on April 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I am very sorry for your loss.
Re feeling uncomfortable when people unilaterally help you, I know what you mean. A gift of help can sometimes make you feel as if a burden has been imposed upon you. But the thing is this: The people who help get back something in exchange, the feeling of helping, of being a good person. By graciously accepting their gift you are giving something back to them. You are giving them your thankful agreement that they are indeed a good person. You permit them to glow in that warmth. That is a valuable gift, from you to them. It is worth much more to them than the material gift they gave you.
You will feel much better about accepting the gift by realizing that your gracious acceptance helps balance out the scales. Someday, someone else will need help, and you will be there for them.
posted by mono blanco at 6:00 AM on April 8, 2017 [57 favorites]
Re feeling uncomfortable when people unilaterally help you, I know what you mean. A gift of help can sometimes make you feel as if a burden has been imposed upon you. But the thing is this: The people who help get back something in exchange, the feeling of helping, of being a good person. By graciously accepting their gift you are giving something back to them. You are giving them your thankful agreement that they are indeed a good person. You permit them to glow in that warmth. That is a valuable gift, from you to them. It is worth much more to them than the material gift they gave you.
You will feel much better about accepting the gift by realizing that your gracious acceptance helps balance out the scales. Someday, someone else will need help, and you will be there for them.
posted by mono blanco at 6:00 AM on April 8, 2017 [57 favorites]
Possibly for these people, they give you things as a way of freeing up time for you - a meal, or a chore you don't have to run. Also, they might think of their gifts as being a way to soften the edges a little. Can you think of accepting their gifts as being a way to accept their love and care, in a physical form, and that feel ok for you?
posted by glitter at 6:02 AM on April 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by glitter at 6:02 AM on April 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
Pay it forward. When things get a little more stable, organize help for other people in comparable situations. Pass your outgrown baby things along to someone else who needs them. You could even give money or time to a community organization that supports single parents with small children in crisis situations. If I knew someone in your situation I'd definitely want to help her out in some way, and although it wouldn't be necessary, it would make me happy to know that she did something for someone else in turn.
You could also have your mom group over for a nice thank-you lunch or bring something really special to one of your meetings.
Good luck.
posted by tully_monster at 6:04 AM on April 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
You could also have your mom group over for a nice thank-you lunch or bring something really special to one of your meetings.
Good luck.
posted by tully_monster at 6:04 AM on April 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
If something makes you uncomfortable, remind yourself that people are being generous because they are overwhelmed thinking about your loss, and accepting their gifts is a way to make THEM feel better. When someone I know goes through something as huge as you have, I want to feel like I'm doing something for them to make MYSELF feel less helpless. So if it's hard to take because you want to feel independent, think of acceptance as a kindness to the giver.
posted by metasarah at 6:06 AM on April 8, 2017 [25 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 6:06 AM on April 8, 2017 [25 favorites]
You are serving as a focal point for the goodness, and the helpfulness, of people in your part of the world. People don't have enough opportunities to do, be, and witness goodness.
This isn't your responsibility, to be sure. However, that you can handle it graciously is a real return -- one not many may recognize, but it's an invisible reciprocation for which you are the spring.
posted by amtho at 6:08 AM on April 8, 2017 [8 favorites]
This isn't your responsibility, to be sure. However, that you can handle it graciously is a real return -- one not many may recognize, but it's an invisible reciprocation for which you are the spring.
posted by amtho at 6:08 AM on April 8, 2017 [8 favorites]
I'm sorry for your loss.
It's normal to feel weird and uncomfortable about receiving help and gifts, even when you want and need them. It might help the weirdness if you remind yourself that everyone contributing is hoping to make your life a little easier and calmer, and deciding not to feel conflicted about receiving the help will indeed make your life easier.
It might also help to think about whether you believe in social support in general; accepting help from others without hesitation helps create a social environment where others can do the same, even on a small scale. (I consider this when I think about not staying late at work or calling in sick when I'm "just a little" sick; I want my coworkers to feel comfortable doing the same.)
In the specific case of hand-me-downs, the person giving them to you is probably thrilled to have found a new home for them. I love giving away outgrown clothes and toys because not only am I helping someone save money, it unclutters my house and I don't have to worry about them going to waste. Rehoming several years' worth of kid stuff at once sounds amazing.
And in the case of money, I've occasionally contributed to gift cards etc. for moms in my local Facebook group when they've gone through an emergency. I think there are more cultural hangups around receiving money, and in theory I could help them with chores, but I'd likely get in the way and clean their bathroom wrong or make them a dinner their kids won't eat. So money is the most practical and useful way to help.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:26 AM on April 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
It's normal to feel weird and uncomfortable about receiving help and gifts, even when you want and need them. It might help the weirdness if you remind yourself that everyone contributing is hoping to make your life a little easier and calmer, and deciding not to feel conflicted about receiving the help will indeed make your life easier.
It might also help to think about whether you believe in social support in general; accepting help from others without hesitation helps create a social environment where others can do the same, even on a small scale. (I consider this when I think about not staying late at work or calling in sick when I'm "just a little" sick; I want my coworkers to feel comfortable doing the same.)
In the specific case of hand-me-downs, the person giving them to you is probably thrilled to have found a new home for them. I love giving away outgrown clothes and toys because not only am I helping someone save money, it unclutters my house and I don't have to worry about them going to waste. Rehoming several years' worth of kid stuff at once sounds amazing.
And in the case of money, I've occasionally contributed to gift cards etc. for moms in my local Facebook group when they've gone through an emergency. I think there are more cultural hangups around receiving money, and in theory I could help them with chores, but I'd likely get in the way and clean their bathroom wrong or make them a dinner their kids won't eat. So money is the most practical and useful way to help.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:26 AM on April 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
Yes to paying it forward, and to the idea that it means a lot to the people doing the giving. Also, it's a wonderful start for your child-- having a parent who is the object of so much care and affection. As is your child too, of course. Your kid may not be consciously aware of it yet, but it's such a positive thing and I think kids can feel that on some level. Someday you can tell them how your community came together for the both of you.
posted by BibiRose at 6:34 AM on April 8, 2017
posted by BibiRose at 6:34 AM on April 8, 2017
I'm sorry for your loss.
I lost a child and felt somewhat the same, 13 years ago. Now I pay it forward. This is what communities do. I get that sense of unease; if you can breathe through it an accept help from people like me, it helps people like us, if that makes sense.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:46 AM on April 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
I lost a child and felt somewhat the same, 13 years ago. Now I pay it forward. This is what communities do. I get that sense of unease; if you can breathe through it an accept help from people like me, it helps people like us, if that makes sense.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:46 AM on April 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't speak to the monetary gifts, but specifically with regard to the baby things, it's quite possible that someone would have wanted to give you baby things even if you hadn't lost your husband. Babies tend not to wear out their things, and it's a shame to throw them away. As both a grateful recipient and an eager giver of hand-me-downs, there is a real satisfaction in knowing that your kid's outgrown things have a new loving home. And it feels nice to know that someone was thinking of you enough to give you, let's say, a crib. So please don't feel weird about the kid stuff. This kind of sharing is a thing people do. Once you don't need it anymore, find it a new home.
Down the road, you'll have opportunities to pay it forward. Take them, and allow yourself to gratefully accept what you're receiving now. I still remember the beautiful donated Easter baskets we got when my daughter was in the ICU on Easter a couple of years ago. I mean, we can afford Easter baskets. We didn't NEED charity easter baskets. But they meant the world to me and my kids just because... somebody cared? It saved me from having to worry about disappointing my kids? It made things a tiny bit easier at a difficult time in our lives.
Everyone deserves a little extra help sometimes. You do too.
posted by telepanda at 6:53 AM on April 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
Down the road, you'll have opportunities to pay it forward. Take them, and allow yourself to gratefully accept what you're receiving now. I still remember the beautiful donated Easter baskets we got when my daughter was in the ICU on Easter a couple of years ago. I mean, we can afford Easter baskets. We didn't NEED charity easter baskets. But they meant the world to me and my kids just because... somebody cared? It saved me from having to worry about disappointing my kids? It made things a tiny bit easier at a difficult time in our lives.
Everyone deserves a little extra help sometimes. You do too.
posted by telepanda at 6:53 AM on April 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Prior to my mother’s death, I had discussed an article with a friend about how people who are grieving get a lot of “let me know if I can do anything to help” comments, but not a lot of people who actually show up and give real help. This particular article was from someone who had gone through loss, and who said people who offer support by actually doing things rather than making vague offers were the ones she most appreciated after the initial period of shock was over, because she wasn’t having to do any emotional admin work to tell them what to do or how or when to do it.
When my mother died, that same friend really took it to heart and arranged for different friends to drop of meals for me for about a week— she took care of all of the details, she let them know to just leave stuff at my front door if I wasn’t up for human interaction, she handled every single thing.
I mention this because it sounds like you are surrounded by friends and family who are doing much the same thing— they don’t want to make you do the work of asking for help or even telling them how to help when they make the offer— they are trying to love you through this hard time in whatever ways they can.
When people try to do this, some of them will guess wrong. It sounds like you value acts of service and quality time a bit more than gifts/$$$, but it also sounds like they are trying to throw any kind of help to you that they can. I guarantee they all wish they could do more, or get it more right, but that they would rather err on the side of too much.
Since the money/gifts seem to be throwing you the most, here are a few ways to reframe them:
-Think of it this way: if you had died, would you want people to treat your grieving husband with this kind of incredible grace and generosity? If this was happening to another person in your mom group? If the answer to either/both is yes, then think about what it feels like when someone you care about is going through a terrible loss, and how much you ache to make it even a little better. Sometimes, accepting those attempts (even when they feel “off” to you) is, in itself, an act of love. Allowing others to serve us is an act of service, especially in cultures that revere self-sufficiency.
-For a lot of people going through this kind of loss, executive functioning type tasks become incredibly difficult. Someone giving you envelopes of money doesn’t have to mean “I think you need money”. It can mean “here, you don’t have to go to the bank or the ATM, let me take this one tiny inconvenience off of your to-do list”. It can mean “spend this cash to order takeout when thinking about stirring or chopping just seems impossible”. It can mean “maybe it would help to get maid service for a month.” In your case, it seems like it actually is helping some with cost concerns, right? So the money didn’t necessarily mean “you need money”. The gift of the money meant “let me take this concern off your hands while you are dealing with everything else”.
-Re: all the baby stuff, think of how many trips to Goodwill you are saving that woman! You are the one doing her a favor, really. :)
-Right after my mom died, my dad and I actually went to buy some bedroom linens, and we both stood in the store, confused, because it felt so strange to think “do I like this blanket?” in the midst of everything else. But, you know, we still needed the blankets. And so do you. I think it’s kind of sweet— every time you curl up under that blanket, it is kind of like your friends are tucking you in.
I am really sorry you are going through this, and it sounds like you are coping incredibly well. All I can say is that letting people love you can sometimes feel very strange, especially for those of us who don’t naturally have that kind of personality and habit of asking for help. Let them love you anyway.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 8:03 AM on April 8, 2017 [26 favorites]
When my mother died, that same friend really took it to heart and arranged for different friends to drop of meals for me for about a week— she took care of all of the details, she let them know to just leave stuff at my front door if I wasn’t up for human interaction, she handled every single thing.
I mention this because it sounds like you are surrounded by friends and family who are doing much the same thing— they don’t want to make you do the work of asking for help or even telling them how to help when they make the offer— they are trying to love you through this hard time in whatever ways they can.
When people try to do this, some of them will guess wrong. It sounds like you value acts of service and quality time a bit more than gifts/$$$, but it also sounds like they are trying to throw any kind of help to you that they can. I guarantee they all wish they could do more, or get it more right, but that they would rather err on the side of too much.
Since the money/gifts seem to be throwing you the most, here are a few ways to reframe them:
-Think of it this way: if you had died, would you want people to treat your grieving husband with this kind of incredible grace and generosity? If this was happening to another person in your mom group? If the answer to either/both is yes, then think about what it feels like when someone you care about is going through a terrible loss, and how much you ache to make it even a little better. Sometimes, accepting those attempts (even when they feel “off” to you) is, in itself, an act of love. Allowing others to serve us is an act of service, especially in cultures that revere self-sufficiency.
-For a lot of people going through this kind of loss, executive functioning type tasks become incredibly difficult. Someone giving you envelopes of money doesn’t have to mean “I think you need money”. It can mean “here, you don’t have to go to the bank or the ATM, let me take this one tiny inconvenience off of your to-do list”. It can mean “spend this cash to order takeout when thinking about stirring or chopping just seems impossible”. It can mean “maybe it would help to get maid service for a month.” In your case, it seems like it actually is helping some with cost concerns, right? So the money didn’t necessarily mean “you need money”. The gift of the money meant “let me take this concern off your hands while you are dealing with everything else”.
-Re: all the baby stuff, think of how many trips to Goodwill you are saving that woman! You are the one doing her a favor, really. :)
-Right after my mom died, my dad and I actually went to buy some bedroom linens, and we both stood in the store, confused, because it felt so strange to think “do I like this blanket?” in the midst of everything else. But, you know, we still needed the blankets. And so do you. I think it’s kind of sweet— every time you curl up under that blanket, it is kind of like your friends are tucking you in.
I am really sorry you are going through this, and it sounds like you are coping incredibly well. All I can say is that letting people love you can sometimes feel very strange, especially for those of us who don’t naturally have that kind of personality and habit of asking for help. Let them love you anyway.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 8:03 AM on April 8, 2017 [26 favorites]
Yes, pay it forward, but also try in a subtle way to make people understand what your financial needs may be. A young mother's loss of a husband can be especially devastating financially, but if it happens that you're in good shape because of life insurance, family money, your job, etc., let people know. Take the help you need but don't become a burden to people needlessly.
posted by MattD at 8:12 AM on April 8, 2017
posted by MattD at 8:12 AM on April 8, 2017
I totally get this, i received many kindnesses when my neice died and felt conflicted about it... How could I enjoy or appreciate something that was given due to a loss?
It helped me to remember that others were having their own response and needs in many cases, and gifting is a way for a community to heal.
I recommend accepting and saying thanks, and then talking through the conflicting feelings with a close friend. I don't think the feelings are that odd; these thoughts and worries were part of my grief, too.
All the best to you a you go through this.
posted by chapps at 8:58 AM on April 8, 2017
It helped me to remember that others were having their own response and needs in many cases, and gifting is a way for a community to heal.
I recommend accepting and saying thanks, and then talking through the conflicting feelings with a close friend. I don't think the feelings are that odd; these thoughts and worries were part of my grief, too.
All the best to you a you go through this.
posted by chapps at 8:58 AM on April 8, 2017
Best answer: You're clearly part of a community of people who care about you. Communities look after each other. Today, it's (sadly) your turn for help. Soon enough, someone else will need yours.
Independence is a myth. We're all embedded in a web of social support. It's just that times like these make those connections more visible.
posted by praemunire at 9:36 AM on April 8, 2017 [22 favorites]
Independence is a myth. We're all embedded in a web of social support. It's just that times like these make those connections more visible.
posted by praemunire at 9:36 AM on April 8, 2017 [22 favorites]
I'm very sorry for your loss, ficbot.
It sounds like you have a strong support network of people who actually step up when someone is in need. I bet you have done the same in the past and will do so in the future when someone else needs support.
Some of the people helping you now are doing it because they have experienced something like your loss. They know what it's like and want to pay those kindnesses forward. By accepting their help, you're allowing a strong support network and community to flourish.
Take care.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:20 AM on April 8, 2017
It sounds like you have a strong support network of people who actually step up when someone is in need. I bet you have done the same in the past and will do so in the future when someone else needs support.
Some of the people helping you now are doing it because they have experienced something like your loss. They know what it's like and want to pay those kindnesses forward. By accepting their help, you're allowing a strong support network and community to flourish.
Take care.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:20 AM on April 8, 2017
Sometimes we're the givers and sometimes the receivers. Both roles are part of human experience and if we didn't spend some time in each it wouldn't work. In order to give, someone has to receive. In order to receive, someone has to give. We don't really choose when we play which role. I suspect, later or earlier in life, you will be or have been the giver. You are currently a giver to your baby. But it sounds like now you are also in a place where there are many good things you could receive, which would help and support you in being a member of our human community.
I used to be bitter about (perceiving) people being extra nice to me because (I perceived) I was a socially awkward, boring, un-fun person. Then I realized that the reality of my life in that moment was, perhaps, that I was receiving support and love. I acknowledged that it was my preference to be the giver of support and love, that one day I hoped that would be the case, but the natural flow was not in that direction at that time. I decided I was happy, at least, that the people around me had the "flaw" of being "too nice" rather than flaws like gossip and lying and being mean. I decided to accept it, graciously, and most of all with gratitude and not bitterness, just taking each gift or interaction on its own. It doesn't mean you're beholden to anyone at anytime. There isn't an implicit "IOU" hanging over your head.
These days I am a powerful presence in many peoples' lives, bringing welcome and acceptance, and I do it very well in part because I was a receiver of those things for so long.
It's okay to feel grumpy about something, accept that it's happening anyway, and work to slightly more graciously respond to the reality.
(If none of that works, perhaps frame the gifts as being directed to your lovely baby, with you as the conduit? Or as a sign of appreciation for the presence and memory of your partner in peoples' lives?)
I am very sorry for your loss, and wish you and your family well.
posted by ramenopres at 12:58 PM on April 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
I used to be bitter about (perceiving) people being extra nice to me because (I perceived) I was a socially awkward, boring, un-fun person. Then I realized that the reality of my life in that moment was, perhaps, that I was receiving support and love. I acknowledged that it was my preference to be the giver of support and love, that one day I hoped that would be the case, but the natural flow was not in that direction at that time. I decided I was happy, at least, that the people around me had the "flaw" of being "too nice" rather than flaws like gossip and lying and being mean. I decided to accept it, graciously, and most of all with gratitude and not bitterness, just taking each gift or interaction on its own. It doesn't mean you're beholden to anyone at anytime. There isn't an implicit "IOU" hanging over your head.
These days I am a powerful presence in many peoples' lives, bringing welcome and acceptance, and I do it very well in part because I was a receiver of those things for so long.
It's okay to feel grumpy about something, accept that it's happening anyway, and work to slightly more graciously respond to the reality.
(If none of that works, perhaps frame the gifts as being directed to your lovely baby, with you as the conduit? Or as a sign of appreciation for the presence and memory of your partner in peoples' lives?)
I am very sorry for your loss, and wish you and your family well.
posted by ramenopres at 12:58 PM on April 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
I was in my late fifties before I became comfortable with friends doing things for me. Then my husband was injured and I was swamped with all of my wonderful friends stepping up to help. And after not handling it well in the beginning, one of my wonderful friends told me that when I refuse the help that I could so obviously use, I am denying my friends the opportunity to support me as I would have supported them. And she told me that was ultimately a selfish attitude. She said she wasn't talking about setting boundaries, that was a good thing and helped my friends to know what I would accept and what I would not. But to deny them the opportunity to be of service to their community wasn't fair to them.
Maybe you could reframe it in your mind that giving AND receiving puts everyone on the same level in a community. And honestly, being able to accept help is generous of spirit.
posted by raisingsand at 1:58 PM on April 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
Maybe you could reframe it in your mind that giving AND receiving puts everyone on the same level in a community. And honestly, being able to accept help is generous of spirit.
posted by raisingsand at 1:58 PM on April 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
With this specifically:
"The latest was an email yesterday from a daughter of my mother's friend who has two slightly older children, and has not thrown away a single thing. This, books, clothes, everything, I can have it all, it's the least she can do. I won't have to buy him any clothes until he's five years old. And I would be stupid to turn that down because it's a massively useful pile of stuff, and yes I do have money to buy my own things but daycare is going to cost a fortune..."
You will learn, in about two years, that you are doing her as much a favor as she is doing you! Being able to pass on kid/baby stuff to a "good home" is a wonderful relief. It seems wasteful to get rid of it, donating it can sometimes be a hassle, selling it is for people with a lot more energy than me; passing on things you loved to someone else who will love them is a great feeling. I spent today packing up SIX BOXES of baby clothes for my sister-in-law and a friend and I cannot wait to get it all out of my house. I'm so glad someone wants it!
(There is an entire economy of used child stuff that you will very shortly be hooked in to trying to unload your "still really nice!" stroller with a friend because it's a hassle to donate and a hassle to sell and really someone should get some use out of it ... My bassinet has been through six babies already (three of mine and three friends who borrowed) and is about to be sent off to a seventh and then an eighth! At least I don't have to take it back any more after #8, then it's their problem.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:09 PM on April 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
With this specifically:
"The latest was an email yesterday from a daughter of my mother's friend who has two slightly older children, and has not thrown away a single thing. This, books, clothes, everything, I can have it all, it's the least she can do. I won't have to buy him any clothes until he's five years old. And I would be stupid to turn that down because it's a massively useful pile of stuff, and yes I do have money to buy my own things but daycare is going to cost a fortune..."
You will learn, in about two years, that you are doing her as much a favor as she is doing you! Being able to pass on kid/baby stuff to a "good home" is a wonderful relief. It seems wasteful to get rid of it, donating it can sometimes be a hassle, selling it is for people with a lot more energy than me; passing on things you loved to someone else who will love them is a great feeling. I spent today packing up SIX BOXES of baby clothes for my sister-in-law and a friend and I cannot wait to get it all out of my house. I'm so glad someone wants it!
(There is an entire economy of used child stuff that you will very shortly be hooked in to trying to unload your "still really nice!" stroller with a friend because it's a hassle to donate and a hassle to sell and really someone should get some use out of it ... My bassinet has been through six babies already (three of mine and three friends who borrowed) and is about to be sent off to a seventh and then an eighth! At least I don't have to take it back any more after #8, then it's their problem.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:09 PM on April 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
I'm sorry for your loss.
People love you. Accept their love and friendship. Sometimes it's hard to accept things, but embrace the goodness of the people around you. Allowing them to do these things for you will also allow you to grow into the type of person that is also a carer and a giver.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:16 PM on April 8, 2017
People love you. Accept their love and friendship. Sometimes it's hard to accept things, but embrace the goodness of the people around you. Allowing them to do these things for you will also allow you to grow into the type of person that is also a carer and a giver.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:16 PM on April 8, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
Take the stuff and send a nice note and don't feel bad about it.
As for reconciling this in your mind so it's not such a weird thing - I mean, it IS a weird thing. It's OK to feel weird about it. Just because you feel weird about accepting things from people doesn't mean it's wrong.
posted by mskyle at 5:53 AM on April 8, 2017 [2 favorites]