Asexual but wanting a sexual relationship - can I offer enough?
April 6, 2017 7:04 AM   Subscribe

Looking for perspectives from anyone who thinks they can offer insight, but most especially from men who like women. I think I'm asexual - I don't think I feel sexual attraction. I still value and want sex. Would I be "enough" for a non-asexual partner? How much of a deal-breaker would it be that their body and sexual responses didn't turn me on, and I only got turned on by their touch or words?

It's hard to be sure I'm asexual, because how does a blind person know what it's like to see? But I don't think I experience what people seem to describe as sexual attraction. I can tell that people are good-looking, and, yeah, maybe that makes me more likely to feel like talking to them? But there is no inherent or automatic thought of seeing them naked or wanting to touch them or anything like that.

The closest I come to attraction is that there are some people who I like the idea of having sex with, and some who I don't. I don't think I get turned on thinking about those people, but the idea of sex with them still appeals when I do think about it. These people are always people I'm excited about as people. I may know them very well or not that well, but something about their intelligence and the way they interact and their vibe make me want them. This "want" is... well, it's broader than sexual. I'm excited about them, I want to know them more, and, yeah, sure, expressing this interest and excitement through sex seems like an exciting idea - but I'm not sure if sex with them is a natural idea to me - I like sex, but I don't think I'd have had even vague incomprehensible urges towards it without knowing that it's a thing, if that makes sense. (I would still have had urges towards intense snuggles and cuddles, at least, though.) But I grew up in the context of this society, and I want a partner in life, and so I guess sex is on my mind at least partly because it's a channel society provides for being excited about someone and expressing it and for closeness. Maybe I like the validation of it - oh, they like me too!
I definitely really enjoy the physical side of sex. I get horny and masturbate sometimes. Much though I enjoy sex on a physical level, I think what really does it for me most is the emotional intimacy. Most of all, I love when a partner wants to please me. I also like to please them, although I'm not sure if this actually physically turns me on.
When I've had sex with people who I felt emotionally excited about, I wanted to please them. When I've had sex with people I didn't feel right about, I still wanted them to please me, but I didn't want to please them - and I felt so intensely awful and guilty about this that usually I would still please them, and then I would feel repulsed enough to not want to do anything sexual with them. If I didn't like them on an emotional level, then their sex noises would kind of put me off, too, while if I liked them that way, I was at least emotionally happy when they were turned on (no idea what effect it had physically).
However, anyone's (any guy's - I haven't tried with women) touch seems to be able to turn me on. That's not specific to when I like someone emotionally. :/

I don't think I really feel any differently about men and women. As in, neither sex naturally makes me feel tingly or automatically want to touch them or kiss them. I do think about it but I'm pretty sure that's because I want a partner and not as a natural reaction to their existence. I haven't actually even kissed a woman, and that might be why at the moment I do prefer men - I don't really know if there's anything innate about it though, just that with men I have an idea of how it might go and a memory of definitely liking this.

I guess the thing is, I worry how all this will impact on my life. I feel hypocritical, because it does feel important to me that my partner should find me physically attractive. I think it turns me on if they tell me so. But this is something I clearly can't offer. Unless what I described above is enough - that it's only if I like someone emotionally that I really *want* to have sex with them without feeling repulsed. So yes, this is the big, main question:

"How would a man feel about a female partner who wasn't necessarily physically attracted to him, i.e. not turned on by his body - but who still really enjoyed sex with him, was attracted to him on an emotional level expressed physically, and enjoyed doing things like giving oral, because of being attracted to him emotionally?"

And also, I guess, the other thing is, I probably don't go about my life giving out the sorts of hints and signals that people probably need to give out in order to attract partners. People don't naturally catch my eye in a sexual way. I wouldn't want to go up to an attractive guy and ask him out for drinks, because I wouldn't know if I was interested in him. Nor would I find myself making eye contact and flipping my hair, or... anything. I don't know how to change this; I have no idea if I'm interested in someone until I get a sense of who they are, and even then it takes a good while. I feel like most connections are pretty fleeting unless you are able to determine you're interested and follow through based on that fairly fleeting connection - and I'm not usually even especially interested in the idea of a deeper connection with someone until I kind of already have a somewhat deeper one? I feel like without that I would feel uncomfortable proposing drinks or accepting offers of drinks, as it implies a level of interest I haven't even decided I have.

Of course, this would probably make it very hard to use Tinder? I haven't tried that. I have tried OkCupid, but I think far more people are on Tinder.

(I'm 30, but for various reasons have been pretty isolated and preoccupied with career pursuit until recently, so don't have as much experience with this sort of thing as I'd like.)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite

 
I see zero indication here that you are asexual. I would venture to say that probably for the majority of women, the emotional connection with a partner is the most important. You certainly sound within the range of normal to me.
posted by amro at 7:24 AM on April 6, 2017 [33 favorites]


Another vote for saying "I still value and want sex" makes asexual not a natural description for how you relate to people.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about considering it a sexual orientation, rather than a personality trait, but have you looked into demisexuality as possibly a better description of yourself?
posted by LizardBreath at 7:38 AM on April 6, 2017 [6 favorites]


It's my (limited) understanding that those who identify as asexual do not experience any sexual attraction to other people.

But it does sound like you might want some help teasing out what is important to you in a partner! And maybe addressing some of those expectations that we've been socially constructed to have. Most of what we find arousing is socially conditioned, according to Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are. Why don't you try unpacking and accepting your need for emotional intimacy! It's completely normal. :)
posted by Dressed to Kill at 7:39 AM on April 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


The closest I come to attraction is that there are some people who I like the idea of having sex with, and some who I don't. I don't think I get turned on thinking about those people, but the idea of sex with them still appeals when I do think about it. These people are always people I'm excited about as people

This sounds perfectly normal and the way most people experience sex and relationships. I think "asexual" people have this notion that allosexual people think about sex immediately with any person they find moderately attractive, and that's very rarely the case. I'm gay and at most there's 2-5% of the male population that I would consider having sex with (and none of the female). The guy has to be physically attractive, interesting, available, compatible desires, baseline compatible moral values, not a smoker, and on and on. That's just to have sex, never mind relationship.

Also, people don't have as many lifetime sex partners as you'd think, nor do people in relationships have the frequency you'd think. Most people under 44 have had 4-7 sexual partners.. About half of people have sex few times per month to weekly; people who have it every day are a small minority.

It's true that men as a group tend to have higher levels of sexual desire than women, but plenty of people find partners that have compatible drives. I would not worry about this whatsoever and I would rethink using the label "asexual" because you are putting yourself into a box that you may not fit into.
posted by AFABulous at 7:39 AM on April 6, 2017 [24 favorites]


How would a man feel about a female partner who wasn't necessarily physically attracted to him, i.e. not turned on by his body - but who still really enjoyed sex with him, was attracted to him on an emotional level expressed physically, and enjoyed doing things like giving oral, because of being attracted to him emotionally?

"an emotional level expressed physically" is all I ever expect from my partners. The best sex comes from a place of emotional desire. There are plenty of people who operate the same way you do, with an emotional connection before sex. I think you'll be all right.

(Sexual attraction has always felt poorly defined for me - can I even split sexual vs. romantic attraction? What does it mean? Does it mean wanting to jump people's bones when I find them attractive? Does it mean feeling physical desire towards anyone? A partner? There are many kinds of physical desire - "i just want physical pleasure" vs "i want to feel romantically wanted via sex" vs "i want to make my partner's body feel good" - which one of those is the "right" one to feel?)

Choose whatever labels you like to use for yourself, but I think that analyzing every aspect of what you think when you feel a pull to someone is unproductive because what the heck is "normal" in these things?
posted by scruffy-looking nerfherder at 7:44 AM on April 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


Anecdotally, even a lot of people who participate in "hookup culture" don't actually prefer no-strings-attached sex, it's just a situational thing (wrong time for a relationship, etc.). If people really did want to have sex without an emotional connection, monogamy would be far less common. So I think you're overestimating the sex drive of the average allosexual person.
posted by AFABulous at 8:03 AM on April 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


AFABulous has a great answer here. I see a lot of folks, especially younger folks, especially on Tumblr, who decide they must be asexual because they don't just immediately want to jump anyone's bones just walking down the street. I think for the majority of people it takes knowing someone and connecting on an emotional level to want to get naked with them. I mean, it can be tough to be vulnerable with someone you don't know or care about, if vulnerability is part of what you value in sex.

Maybe what you're looking for is someone with a low sex drive, but who still enjoys sex? And those people are out there too. I've dated high, low, in between, and they all have their charms.
posted by fiercecupcake at 8:06 AM on April 6, 2017 [12 favorites]


For lots of people physical attraction alone is not a motivator for desiring sex. Also, consider that people do continue to have regular, satisfying sex into their geriatric years, beyond the time when their bodies are supposedly considered hot or physically attractive or whatever. While the sight of a person might turn someone on, it's not necessarily the physical body that's doing it; it's the person themselves.
posted by Polychrome at 8:22 AM on April 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


To answer, directly, the question whether you can offer "enough" - yes! for some people, many people, at least.

I mean, there are plenty plenty of people who would be very happy with a partner who could say honestly to them, "You know I'm not the type of person who develops sexual attraction because of looks. I'm not even the type of person who fundamentally gets turned on by the looks of someone I'm in a relationship with. Is that weird? I don't know. But that's the way I am. Anyway, as you can tell, you totally make me happy sexually and otherwise, and among the things that I love and find attractive about you are x, y and z, and I want to make you happy sexually and otherwise"

And I think that's what you're saying you have to offer, right? Sounds great!

I guess you might not be enough for somebody who wants you to say "omg your muscles they are so hawt" but you should be fine without that person. :)
posted by sheldman at 8:37 AM on April 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


I see a lot of folks, especially younger folks, especially on Tumblr, who decide they must be asexual because they don't just immediately want to jump anyone's bones just walking down the street.

I've observed this too. OP, of course you're the only one who can determine your own identity, but the fact that you're twisting yourself up in knots about this suggests to me that you might have an all-or-nothing view about sexuality - like people either get horny by simply looking at people they find attractive, or they're asexual.

I mean:

I still value and want sex.

there are some people who I like the idea of having sex with [and] idea of sex with them still appeals when I do think about it.

I'm excited about them, I want to know them more, and, yeah, sure, expressing this interest and excitement through sex seems like an exciting idea.

I definitely really enjoy the physical side of sex. I get horny and masturbate sometimes.

I enjoy sex on a physical level.

I love when a partner wants to please me. I also like to please them.

Any [guy’s] touch seems to be able to turn me on.


So you don't like having sex with people you don't actually like or respect? Most people don't. That doesn't make them asexual.

There are definitely asexual people who enjoy masturbating, and even asexual people who don't mind having sex if it will make their partner happy, but if you enjoy and get sexual and emotional satisfaction out of having sex with people you like, you sound like a 100% average-ly sexual person to me.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:41 AM on April 6, 2017 [17 favorites]


Everything you're saying is 100% typical for cerebral young people and not at all an indicator of asexuality. My advice is to stop reading asexuality forums, get off Tumblr, and trust that you'll meet someone you're interested in romantically and sexually eventually. It may take a while and there may not be a whole lot of them over the course of your life - that's true for me and for most of the people I know.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:42 AM on April 6, 2017 [17 favorites]


I also want to raise one other thing which may or may not be relevant:

I don't think I really feel any differently about men and women […] I do think about it […] I haven't actually even kissed a woman, and that might be why at the moment I do prefer men - I don't really know if there's anything innate about it though, just that with men I have an idea of how it might go and a memory of definitely liking this.


It's possible that you're more into women than you think. I have definitely been there. It can be very hard in this society to imagine being attracted to women, especially if you're also attracted to men - precisely like with the issue you're currently dealing with, in fact. I thought that I should just know for absolutely certain if I liked women, so I assumed I didn't. But I did and do. The signs were all there. I just couldn't see them, because I already had an idea of myself, and that didn't fit into it.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:46 AM on April 6, 2017 [5 favorites]


I identified as asexual in my late teens and I can't agree with AFABulous enough. I was under this idea that everyone else was DTF all the time. In reality everyone is different and what you describe is well within the normal range. I now consider myself a late bloomer bisexual, FWIW.
posted by vanitas at 9:37 AM on April 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


Only you can decide if you're asexual--but I agree with the majority of the other people answering this question, in that I think a lot of sexually and romantically inexperienced people, particularly women, tend to come to that label because the standard media portrayal of how sexual attraction functions is not the reality for the vast majority of women. I went through a period of believing I was asexual in my late teens because I wasn't someone who craved sex constantly and didn't feel any particular desire for celebrities or any sensation at all upon looking at naked bodies in porn, divorced of context. Some--maybe most--people need some sort of narrative, some sort of larger emotional story. And also it's not unusual or abnormal to have a low libido or to only want sex from time to time and sometimes, feel no desire for it at all. I feel like that's another thing that is sometimes interpreted by younger people as asexuality.

There's this pervasive cultural message that sexual attraction and arousal work the same way for everyone and that, if you are a sexual person, you should want sex all the time. I don't think this is true at all.
posted by armadillo1224 at 9:38 AM on April 6, 2017 [10 favorites]


(Oh, and I've been thinking about this, and anecdata point: I for most of my life have had a really high sex drive, and it's still pretty unusual that I'll just see someone randomly and think about/fantasize about having sex with them. So I think it's helpful to split up those categories.)
posted by fiercecupcake at 11:03 AM on April 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


There's nothing wrong with being asexual and in all honesty metafilter's aversion to people idenitfying that way has always miffed me, as if you decided to call yourself asexual would somehow change who you are as a person or how you feel or how you interact with people. (hint: it won't. None of these people can label or unlabel you as asexual, its honestly just a personal preference thing, and if you were to suddenly adopt the label literally nothing about you would change, despite metafilter's problems in this area)


I know you want validation from a man, because you are a woman and you want permission to go out in the world and seek attention from men in your state of being. I'm not a man, but I'm going to tell you anyway:
Yes, it's completely reasonable for you to exist the way you are, and to seek out attraction from men, whether or not you know you're attracted to them.
posted by FirstMateKate at 11:49 AM on April 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


There are a few things to unpack here.

1. Attraction exists on a spectrum between spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Personally, I am skeptical that responsive desire is truly allosexual because people can experience this regardless of consent. But I also think responsive desire is more common in women due to society policing women's sexuality (via either shame or self-protection), not a higher incidence of asexuality.

2. Libido and attraction are separate things. See prison for the most obvious case in point.

3. All my gay friends in my high school had a short 'bi' phase as they found their identity. This does not negate the existence of bisexuals. So "I thought I might be ace, but I wasn't" is a valid human experience, but it's problematic gatekeeping that erases the existence of actual people and deprives people vocabulary to better explain the nuances of sexuality. Which would be really useful since the first thing you're expected to advertise on a dating profile is your sexuality.

Personally, it sounds like you're a sex positive hetero/panromantic demisexual. But those are labels that tend to turn off allosexuals because they imagine a dead bedroom with a woman who resents the sex they're having. So it might be worth 'being in the closet' and rejecting labels because you can pass as normal. But I think it's important to realize that's a marketing decision that obscures your needs and makes communication more difficult simply because the appropriate labels are considered 'not normal'.
posted by politikitty at 11:59 AM on April 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


You have SO MUCH to offer! Are there people that wouldn't match well with you based on what you have to offer? Yes! We're all at different points in a vast spectrum that makes up humanity. What you have to "offer" ie what you need to do and express to feel fulfilled would probably also be too much for some people! Too much, too little, just right. This exploration is one of the beautiful parts of dating and sexuality and exploring relationships with different people.

You can avoid some interpersonal confusion by ensuring you clearly communicate where your sexuality is at CURRENTLY and by allowing yourself and others room to grow and change. Communication is key! and also a pretty big turn on for lots of people :3

In terms of inner turmoil there are many ways of getting to the root of who and what and why you are. Not every method is good for everyone. For me I would tend to cycle the same thought patterns and discussions in my head, and not really get anywhere. A few months ago I began writing three pages of stream of conscious writing first thing every morning, and it's really helped me drop some of this patterned thinking. Also my free hand writing has gotten much prettier :)

I would focus less on finding an identity within a label and just embrace where you are right now in your journey. Do you like to cuddle and make-out but don't get turned on by so-and-so's xyz body part? Does that make you asexual? Maybe! Maybe not, you choose. It's like instead of trying to adhere to and define yourself by the internet's definition of what it is to be asexual, how about you-ism? Sorry if that sounds corny.

Also like, if asexuality forums are turning your crank, and tumblr is helping you explore different versions of you, why stop? Is it causing torment? Than maybe stop. Is it causing that type of "ohhh shit this is speaking to me truthfully but painfully" type of torment? Maybe little bits at a time.

Are you asexual? That's a post more suited to answer.metafilter.com (which i presume doesn't exist)
posted by peterpete at 12:03 PM on April 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


Asexual in a mismatched (asexual + non-asexual) relationship here. Two things.

1) On whether or not you're asexual... there's been a lot of good points about how this could definitely be average sexual desire and asexual people can sometimes overestimate what sexual attraction means to not-asexual people. However, I would say that I think the argument is not "you want to have sex with anyone attractive you see" but "you are capable of desiring sex with a specific person, and their physical appearance plays a role in your attraction and desire to have sex." It's certainly not the only thing that plays a role, for most people, but it is a fairly large factor. For asexual people, it's not a factor at all. So I can see a case made for you being asexual in that physical appearance does not play a role. Most people would not say that their sexual attraction to a person has nothing to do with how they look.

Asexual may or may not be a useful label for you. If you want to use it, go for it. But I don't think you should be obligated to, especially because though your experience could be labeled as asexual, most asexual communities and resources are focused on asexuals that do not desire sex in any fashion. So I don't know if that label would really do much for you? This is not to say there aren't resources for asexuals who desire sex, but I think because these sorts of people tend to "blend in" with the rest of society more, they aren't as prominent in the community.

2) On whether you can offer enough... absolutely. I'm in a relationship with a person who has high testosterone and a high sex drive. We haven't had sex in at least a year because it's never interested me. We're still doing fine. There are some occasional insecurity issues on their part, but those don't linger. And I would bet if you are having sex and expressing a desire to have sex with this person, your partner wouldn't experience those insecurity issues at all. Compared to us, I don't think your sexual compatibility is going to be a problem for most partners. At that point, whether you want to have sex with them because you like their touch or because you like their body is an issue of semantics I don't think most people parse.

As for not going out of your way to find a partner, not knowing how to flirt or things like that... hello, you're me. I still managed to find myself a partner, in my best friend. I would focus on friendships rather than romantic relationships if you're the kind of person that doesn't even consider someone as a sexual partner until you are strongly emotionally attached. More likely than not, you'll find someone along the way. Every person I've ever been romantically attracted to I was friends with first, and never considered them as potential partners when I first met them.
posted by brook horse at 12:11 PM on April 6, 2017 [5 favorites]


Echoing everyone else who said that this is a really common way to feel about sex even if it's not how sexuality is often portrayed in media, etc., and to be frank I think that…abnormalizing?…perfectly ordinary and healthy sexualities by setting them apart from other expressions of sexuality and trying to make up a special term for them is not good on a societal level, since it micromanages individual fluctuations in sexuality while ignoring the broad patterns and common experiences that unite us. I say this as someone who feels the same way you do about sex and is grateful I escaped the rabbit hole of endless sexuality-labeling and became comfortable with my sexuality not needing a prefix like "demi" or anything else.

So, speaking as someone who has sexual patterns similar to yours, I can say from experience: Yes, you are enough! Yes, you can have sexual relationships! Granted, it can indeed be challenging to know whether or how to date men or women when your feeling toward people is, "I could be into this…but I don't know them well enough to be sure yet." My solution to that has been to get to know people in real life, and slowly, rather than going the online dating route. I don't ask, "Do I want to have sex with them?" I just move more slowly: Do I want to spend more one-on-one time with them? Do I want to tell them secrets? Do I want to hold their hand? Do I want to kiss them? There could be more steps in between than that; those are just some examples.

I really do feel very similarly to you and am speaking not from a place of wanting to silence or shame you on sexuality issues, but of wanting to emphasize that our sexualities are extant and are normal and not any more deserving of hyper-examination than anyone else's. Recognizing and embracing that, and knowing that even if people on TV fall in love and have sex in a different way than I do, I'm just as sexual as they are, was really helpful to me. Good luck to you!
posted by honey wheat at 2:04 PM on April 6, 2017 [15 favorites]


You are not asexual. I am likely quite older than you and have only been really truly "physically attracted" to a handful of people, once I find them smart enough, funny enough, charming enough, and for whatever reason they smell the correct way.

I have dated people i wasn't "attracted attracted" to (eg, none of that chemical lust whatever just found them cool and good looking and whatnot) and I don't think they noticed any shortcomings. In fact most of them tried to marry me.

If I have things to offer others, then surely you do as well. If you want sex at all, you are not asexual, just overthinking it. Which is fine but don't let it get in the way of life.
posted by love2potato at 5:37 PM on April 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


Like most other forms and categories of sexuality, asexuality is not a binary, either/or kind of thing. Gray asexuality is a thing.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:46 AM on April 7, 2017 [2 favorites]


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