Middle-Aged Woman Trying To Date Seeks App Recommendations

April 5, 2017 9:43 AM

As I have mentioned in a prior question, I'm 45, and recently out of a twenty-year marriage, and trying to date (men). I've been on OK Cupid, Tinder, and Bumble, and kind of hate them all: Tinder and Bumble because I have no idea how to pick through people based on so little text, and OK Cupid just hasn't produced results that have made me happy (a certain number of first dates, but I haven't made it past the second date with anyone appealing.) Are there apps/sites/services/whatever more specifically aimed at the boringly middle-aged, preferably optimized for overeducated liberals/leftists?

I get the feeling that I'm getting screened out on OK Cupid on age, and I'm wondering if there are other sites where everyone's expecting everyone else to be in their forties or so. Or, sites more focused on politically engaged/intellectual/nerdy-but-not-exclusively-in-the-fandom-sense types, where my age might be less of a negative? I'm in NYC. If not dating apps/sites, anyone know anything about other dating services? I've been told that, e.g., It's Just Lunch is useless, but I'd be interested in stories to the contrary, or about any other services anyone has direct experience of.

(While meetup-type-things, clubs, and so on, are excellent suggestions for amusing myself generally, and who knows, I could meet someone that way, that's not what I'm asking for here. I'm looking for specifically dating-oriented sites or services.)

posted by LizardBreath to Human Relations (9 answers total)

You might want to try Match. In my experience people on it tended to be over 35. Though to be honest I've had much better luck with OkCupid (I'm F 38) but Match could be a site to try if you haven't already.

There's also Coffee Meets Bagel, but it's somewhat similar to Bumble, so not sure if you'll like it. However, it's fairly popular where I live.
posted by bearette at 9:57 AM on April 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

Consider trying Match.com. I'm good friends with a married couple who met that way (met in their 30s), and am acquainted with a few more. Because it's paid, it tends to attract people who are more serious about finding a partner rather than dating around, a demo which tends to skew older.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:59 AM on April 5, 2017 [6 favorites]

I think you're on the right sites for NYC. Something outside the box...maybe have someone look over your profile? Either a friend or a site like reddit.com/r/okcupid.
posted by mattsweaters at 10:35 AM on April 5, 2017

Hinge is another option… in my area, no one is on it, but in NYC it may be more widely used.

Where I am, OKCupid used to be useful but so many people migrated to Tinder that it’s pretty dead. Tinder is frustrating because there’s no way to sort people in a useful way, and Match has the same people as OKCupid only fewer of them. And at 41, 48-year-old men think I’m too old to date seriously if they see me online, though they don’t if we meet offline.

So good luck, I guess is all I can say!
posted by metasarah at 10:52 AM on April 5, 2017

Hello, I am a middle aged woman who emerged after decades into dating again, & I was also new to the dating sites as a way to meet people. I just wanted to come in and nth Match.
Match has been much better for me than OKCupid. I've been impressed by how many 40-60 yr old men on Match are specifying that they're seeking women within their own (our) age group. I got plenty of thoughtful, substantial letters from lefty, interesting men, and two fairly serious relationships came from it.
The other thing that generated dates was telling my friends that I was interested in meeting someone. I didn't meet anyone I wanted to go out with a 3rd time that way, but it made life more interesting!
posted by flourpot at 11:08 AM on April 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

I was on OKCupid. The week I turned 40, my views dropped by about 90%. I hated that they use age, because I look about 10 years younger than I am and have no trouble attracting men in their early 30s in real life, nor men older than me.* I hear the pay sites are better, but I'm not dating right now.
posted by shockpoppet at 11:43 AM on April 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

boringly middle-aged,

Have you subjected your profile to the hive mind? I am picking up on a negative vibe and while that may be just because of the nature of your question here, it also may come across in your profile. Even if you are not boring in real life, that kind of self-criticism comes across as very negative online.

What do you love? What do you do? What are you passionate about? What brings you joy? What pisses you off? What do you want? What are your post-divorce goals? What do you do after work? What's on your bucket list?

The answers to these questions are going to be boring or interesting to some people, but the ones who find them interesting will self-select - and it's when you meet those ones that you have a better chance of connecting.

My experience is just a single anecdata but I'm an introverted, soft-around-the-middle, progressive middle-aged woman in the south, and I met my partner pretty quickly through okcupid. My profile was positive - I was really embracing the empty nest - and I stated what I was looking for.
posted by headnsouth at 1:02 PM on April 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

Middle-aged NYer here. I met my wife on OK Cupid. I had been on there for several years before meeting her. I had a similar experience to yours before meeting her. (Lots of first dates, a few second dates. I met some interesting women, but nothing really went anywhere.) I took a break from it, then tried again, then took another break.

Then I met her, and we clicked. I was her first date via the service, too. That might have had something to do with it - she wasn't jaded by online dating yet.

I'm not sure what my point is. I guess I'm saying give it time? Or keep an open mind? It only has to work right once.
posted by Cranialtorque at 2:22 PM on April 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

Met my husband (almost 9 years married now!) on Match.com, so yeah, try there!
posted by PorcineWithMe at 3:18 PM on April 5, 2017