if you're lonely you can talk to me
April 4, 2017 12:16 AM   Subscribe

I'd like to volunteer to help by talking to people in emotional trouble, either by text or by phone. Here's the thing: it's probably because I'm a person in emotional trouble. I don't know if this is right or good of me.

I am a middle-aged single woman suffering from severe depression, crippling anxiety, and other issues. I have found that I can forget my problems by helping others with their own, either in person or online. When I offer a shoulder to people, I become who I wish I was. I would like to get into this more by volunteering, but I am afraid it is not the right thing to do, because I would be using others, even if I really do care about them, and that is wrong. (I do not make it about me when I talk to people; that's not what I mean.)

I never was drawn to the "caring professions" and I have no such training, except from going to a lot of therapy and reading a lot of books myself and trying to be good. I don't want to make a career change, just to help. But I'm afraid I will fail someone in this way, by taking on more than I can do.

How do I know it is right to do this? Do I? I asked my psychiatrist and he was not dismissive but didn't give me an answer, which is okay because his job is to help me think, not tell me what to think. But I'm still not sure how to think about this.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
Some of the very best listeners are people who have been there themselves. By allmeans, investigate answering phones for a local crisis line or helping out at a local organization that needs good listeners. As long as you're capable of abiding by the guidelines of the organization you work with, it's perfectly okay for your volunteering to benefit you as well as the other person/people.
posted by epj at 12:26 AM on April 4, 2017 [5 favorites]


The Samaritans hotline when I last cheeked had six months of volunteer training and then you were supervised and supported for your calls so you got plenty of help learning how to be a good safe volunteer listener and also how to take care of your own emotional boundaries and needs.

Look for a long running organising that is fairly large and has a robust training program. People like you, survivors with similar backgrounds to clients who now want to give back in part because the volunteering is satisfying emotionally, can be very helpful long-term volunteers with the right training. This can be a win-win for everyone involved if you find a good organization and do the training with an eye for burnout and making sure you get support for learning the technical parts of the skill.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 12:33 AM on April 4, 2017 [13 favorites]


There actually seems to be somewhat of a trend of recruiting volunteers with lived experience for crisis hotlines. An old friend is heavily involved with her local "warm line", a crisis line staffed by people with their own histories of trauma. Idea being that people who call feel more able to open up when they know the person on the other end of the line has been there. If you have a warm line near you, I'd get in touch with them about whether you're the sort of volunteer they're after. They should be able to point you to appropriate opportunities if you're not a good fit for their needs.
posted by potrzebie at 12:43 AM on April 4, 2017 [1 favorite]


I volunteer as a Listener at 7 Cups of Tea. It's a peer support site with one-on-one chats, group chats, forums, and so much more. I love it. I have bipolar, OCD, panic disorder, and more, and have the same phenomenon that you've discovered - when I'm helping someone else, my crap goes to the back burner.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 2:45 AM on April 4, 2017 [7 favorites]


Being needed when you feel needy can definitely mask the lack of connection and "fill the well." I understand that motivation, believe me. I also believe that you truly do want to help others, are likely quite good at it, and that your own experience can benefit those who have lost their way.

I would also guess that you spend more time than you might like gripped by feelings of rejection, disconnect, and self-doubt. But that can be overwhelming. And instead of working on yourself, you set that aside; and instead, choose to focus on the problems of others (strangers, even). That performs the double duty of giving you affirmation (those you help express their gratitude, boosting your morale; and you can see your advice/guidance bringing about positive change, which is also affirming). And best of all, it keeps you from feeling alone and unwanted. But you are self-aware enough to know it's a stopgap; albeit one with an altruistic side benefit.

Is that ethical? Does the end justify the means? I don't know. I may be too close to this mindset to opine effectively. Is anyone 100% altruistic, all the time? But to me, that is less of a point to consider than the longer-term realization that no matter how you try, the well has a big hole in the bottom. It always empties out, no matter how many other people you try to fill it with. You can't run from yourself. Plus in the process, you may lose yourself, you may even be taken advantage of, and ironically, end up causing yourself more pain.

That you even recognize the risk here speaks volumes about your levels of self-awareness. I bet you are exceptionally helpful and giving. You model what you wish others would give you. And that is a wonderful thing. But you matter too. Don't give yourself away, even in the name of altruism.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 3:05 AM on April 4, 2017 [4 favorites]


Philosophically, many have questioned whether there can ever be an altruistic act, but if your act does good rather than ill for someone else, that's enough for me. There's also no question that people who've been through a thing can be amazing helpers to other people going through that thing. However, I'm cautious in this instance given that your troubles seem to be pretty current. Telephone counselling can be tremendously rewarding, but it can also be emotionally challenging, and it would be awful for this to cause a setback for you.

Among the lovely people I spoke to as a telephone counsellor, I also experienced:
  • People telling me emphatically that I was a bad counsellor (this happened more than once)
  • People using the phone service for their sexual gratification, which I only worked out after talking to them in good faith for some time
  • People who I was almost completely sure were lying to me, but I had to take at face value
  • People giving lots of details about very traumatic things that happened to them (I remember some of these stories more than a decade later)
  • People who expressed views that were really offensive to me but I didn't get to argue with them because that wasn't why they were calling
  • People whose sense of hopelessness about their lives began to infect me
  • People who were suicidal, where I had to call emergency services for them against their will, making them angry at me
  • People who told me they were suicidal and then hung up on me so that I couldn't get help for them
  • People where I assessed they were not at immediate risk of suicide, but then later I felt unsure if I'd assessed correctly, and I worried about it
  • People it felt like I hadn't been able to help at all
I don't mean to put anyone off being a telephone counsellor - it's a tremendously important role and can be really rewarding - but I think it is important to come at it from a place where you have something in reserve to weather these kinds of knocks. Whether that is you right now might be a better question to reflect on with your psychiatrist.
posted by Cheese Monster at 3:42 AM on April 4, 2017 [26 favorites]


You might consider getting training through a peer counseling training program. Your psychiatrist might be aware of some in your area.
posted by Waiting for Pierce Inverarity at 3:45 AM on April 4, 2017


I have volunteered on a hot line in my youth. We were thoroughly screened wrt our own mental health before entering our training; a history of mental health challenges was not a problem, but they didn't want volunteers whose current health/mood was not stable. I think it was a sound policy, although many organizations can't afford to be as choosy.

Telephone counselling can be rewarding, but it can also be tough, and leave even the most positive and confident volunteer feeling helpless, rejected, and sometimes even taken advantage of. (And yes, the "sex callers" as they were dubbed in our organization accounted for roughly 30% of all incoming calls. It varied, and on some nights it seemed like every single caller was a heavy breather or wanted to describe something gross in order to enjoy my discomfort.) Of all my volunteering experience, the hot line was definitely the most taxing one and occasionally, really not good for my own mental wellbeing. I have infinite respect for people who are able to do that long-term.

You sound empathetic, kind and caring. I think you would make an excellent volunteer, but I would gently suggest that some other form of volunteering might suit you better, such as organizations that offer company, practical help and/or social activities to people who are elderly, lonely, socially disadvantaged, or live with disabilities (I'm currently volunteering for one). I'm thinking something like that might be a more rewarding, fulfilling and life-affirming way for you to help.
posted by sively at 5:14 AM on April 4, 2017 [4 favorites]


it's probably because I'm a person in emotional trouble. I don't know if this is right or good of me. How do I know it is right to do this?

I feel that many of the responses so far are aimed at giving you direction on finding volunteer opportunities and overlooking the crux of your question. You are not asking for help finding possible venues to serve as a counselor etc. You are not asking us to provide anecdata on our own experiences in such positions.

You are asking if, in your self-acknowledged state of being fragile, emotionally vulnerable, etc., you should even be considering it AT ALL? (IMO, a very different question, and one that demands perhaps more information on the OP's personal situation than we have available here?)

In general, it's "right" to want to help others. But is it "right" when you admit to being unsure of your own motivations, and reasons for seeking that sort of activity when by your own words, you express awareness that it may not be the best course of action? I agree that if you are not getting good feedback or guidance from your own therapist, perhaps there are deeper issues at play. I would probably say, seek to get more input from your own therapist first.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 6:08 AM on April 4, 2017 [2 favorites]


I just completed training for the crisis text line. The 6 week cohort training is very good, the supervisors are great and you're delivering the kind of service you mention.
http://www.crisistextline.org/
posted by PeaPod at 10:28 AM on April 4, 2017 [2 favorites]


I think probably most people who are drawn to help other people are aware that they're getting something out of it, themselves. So I think you can safely jettison this concern: "I would be using others, even if I really do care about them, and that is wrong." It may be wrong, but it is the human condition, and it therefore cannot be avoided. Your "nothing I do can be truly wholly good for I am corrupt" thought spiral is keeping you from trying what is potentially a good idea that could be helpful to other people and yourself. It should therefore in my opinion be defenestrated.

On the other hand, this one seems completely reasonable and bears thinking about: "I'm afraid I will fail someone in this way, by taking on more than I can do."

And Cheese Monster's and I_Love_Bananas's comments are sobering.

From what you write it sounds like you may have an aptitude for this, so it would be good to explore, but maybe jumping right in is not the wisest plan.

You could choose one of the options with training programs and meet with a trainer/volunteer coordinator to discuss your concerns. Not start volunteering right away but just talk to see if it's right for you and particularly see what failsafes are in place to keep you from getting overwhelmed.
posted by Don Pepino at 3:33 PM on April 4, 2017 [2 favorites]


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