Transgender teen who's talking about running away... how can I help?
March 24, 2017 1:34 PM Subscribe
Anon Jr. knows a transgender boy from her high school who's asking everyone if he can crash on their couch. I supervise an activity that they're both involved in and yesterday the boy spent the entire time talking about how he needs a place to stay, how his therapist (anon jr. thinks a school therapist) was late so that's why he was late to the activity, just literally crying out for help.
Anon Jr. says he told her his parents mock him when he asks for their respect. He says he's going to run away. Anon Jr. is giving as much emotional support as possible, but wants to do more.
If he were 18 I'd be fine being on a couch surfing rotation, but he's 16, which I assume has some serious legal ramifications. Are there any resources or services you know about that help minors in this kind of situation without needing any permission from parents?
Throwaway:
iamnotanumber5000 at gmail
Anon Jr. says he told her his parents mock him when he asks for their respect. He says he's going to run away. Anon Jr. is giving as much emotional support as possible, but wants to do more.
If he were 18 I'd be fine being on a couch surfing rotation, but he's 16, which I assume has some serious legal ramifications. Are there any resources or services you know about that help minors in this kind of situation without needing any permission from parents?
Throwaway:
iamnotanumber5000 at gmail
The Trevor Project can help connect you or him to resources in your community. Would he be willing to let you call the counselor to express your concerns? They are probably the best ongoing support right now.
posted by goggie at 2:10 PM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by goggie at 2:10 PM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
True Colors Fund may be able to connect you to local resources or otherwise advise.
posted by bq at 2:25 PM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by bq at 2:25 PM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
Running away is extremely dangerous. Discuss the possibility of this friend staying on your couch for a while while things cool off at home and a family therapist can step in to support. They would not be first teen to have ever done this.
posted by Toddles at 2:33 PM on March 24, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 2:33 PM on March 24, 2017 [10 favorites]
I would call your local LGBT center. If you're in or near a bigger city they probably have a youth program. In Milwaukee, where I live, Pathfinders works with all young people in need but has a special LGBT program.
I'm a trans man, so if you do happen to be in the Milwaukee area I will personally help you connect with people, and talk to him if he wants that. (I am much older so he may not.)
Your first priority needs to be getting him out of physical danger - not just from his parents but from himself.
posted by AFABulous at 2:34 PM on March 24, 2017 [15 favorites]
I'm a trans man, so if you do happen to be in the Milwaukee area I will personally help you connect with people, and talk to him if he wants that. (I am much older so he may not.)
Your first priority needs to be getting him out of physical danger - not just from his parents but from himself.
posted by AFABulous at 2:34 PM on March 24, 2017 [15 favorites]
Actually if you're within 100 miles I will help in any way I can. This is Very Serious; transgender teens who have been rejected by family have an extremely high suicide rate and you may have no warning.
Trans Lifeline (hotline staffed by trans people - he doesn't have to be actively suicidal to call & talk to someone - and you or your child can also call for advice/resources):
877-565-8860
National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255
posted by AFABulous at 2:38 PM on March 24, 2017 [20 favorites]
Trans Lifeline (hotline staffed by trans people - he doesn't have to be actively suicidal to call & talk to someone - and you or your child can also call for advice/resources):
877-565-8860
National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255
posted by AFABulous at 2:38 PM on March 24, 2017 [20 favorites]
Since he is sixteen, he can petition the court for legal emancipation. Laws vary by state and free legal aid is available to minors seeking emancipation through children law centers. It would really help if you could let us know what state this is in.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 4:00 PM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by LuckySeven~ at 4:00 PM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
Yes, please let us know the state or even the metro area so we can point to specific resources! You can ask the mods to comment anonymously via the contact form (link in bottom right-hand corner) or you can memail or e-mail me directly if you'd like, and I'll add it for you.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:28 PM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:28 PM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
My kid has a gay friend (they're both 15) that I KNOW is going to end up living with my parents in the near future. His parents are not supportive, and my parents (and I) adore him.
If you're not comfortable letting him crash, at least make your house a safe place for him to hang out. Having somewhere safe and warm to go may actually help a lot with his mental well-being. In addition to the resources given above, of course. And thank you for caring about him enough to ask this question. Really.
posted by Ruki at 4:44 PM on March 24, 2017 [7 favorites]
If you're not comfortable letting him crash, at least make your house a safe place for him to hang out. Having somewhere safe and warm to go may actually help a lot with his mental well-being. In addition to the resources given above, of course. And thank you for caring about him enough to ask this question. Really.
posted by Ruki at 4:44 PM on March 24, 2017 [7 favorites]
"Crashing in your sofa" is pretty close to "having a sleepover" as long as the kid's parents know where he is. Can you just casually set up a sleepover once a week or so? I know that my best friend's mom allowing me to stay there at least once a week for several years was a lifesaver for me. Literally.
posted by raisingsand at 5:04 PM on March 24, 2017 [13 favorites]
posted by raisingsand at 5:04 PM on March 24, 2017 [13 favorites]
Some parents do care even though they may not be able to be understanding or supportive in ways that the friend wants or needs. In this case, an offer from you to let the kid stay in your home for a while (with their permission) might give everyone a much needed break. His parents would still be his legal guardians and everything (which might be a problem if the kid needs their consent to medical procedures) but it would solve the immediate issue better than running away and buy the kid time to figure out what the next step might be.
The thing is that kids sometime get into power struggles with their parents and see things in a very black and white way. It is possible that his parents are not hateful ogres and they might appreciate a break from the battles with their kid if it was done in the appropriate way. Yes, some parents are abusive and some parents are excessive controlling and damaging to their children and otherwise horrible parents so I wouldn't say anything to the parents without talking to the kid first but if I were in your shoes, I would let anon jr know that they could make an offer to their friend as long as (a) it was for more than x days/weeks (which could be extended depending on how things work out (b) visitor follows house rules and (c) visitor's parents consent and then leave it up anon jr and friend to figure out if and how they wanted to take me up on my offer.
posted by metahawk at 6:35 PM on March 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
The thing is that kids sometime get into power struggles with their parents and see things in a very black and white way. It is possible that his parents are not hateful ogres and they might appreciate a break from the battles with their kid if it was done in the appropriate way. Yes, some parents are abusive and some parents are excessive controlling and damaging to their children and otherwise horrible parents so I wouldn't say anything to the parents without talking to the kid first but if I were in your shoes, I would let anon jr know that they could make an offer to their friend as long as (a) it was for more than x days/weeks (which could be extended depending on how things work out (b) visitor follows house rules and (c) visitor's parents consent and then leave it up anon jr and friend to figure out if and how they wanted to take me up on my offer.
posted by metahawk at 6:35 PM on March 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
I agree, extended sleep-overs and an open house policy would provide this child a respite while you look for longer-term solutions. Speaking from personal experience, it helps.
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 8:55 PM on March 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 8:55 PM on March 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
I knew a trans teen in California a few years back whose parents weren't accepting him and his peers eventually called CPS which served as a wakeup call for his parents, and then the whole family was able to get hooked up with resources such as PFLAG. Caveats: the parents were able to navigate the system and this was in a liberal area.
posted by aniola at 9:27 PM on March 24, 2017
posted by aniola at 9:27 PM on March 24, 2017
With the caveat that IANAL and this is not legal advice...
When my younger siblings were teens living at home, they had multiple under-18 friends/girlfriends who lived with them at my mom's house for months because of troubled family situations. This resulted in zero legal ramifications. Yeah, if the kid's parents come to the door and say "Give me my kid" and you refuse to let them in, that will lead to some trouble. But the truth is a lot of parents are neglectful and horrible and don't give a shit and are just relieved to have their troublesome teen out of their house. They might never do anything to follow up on getting their kid back except maybe texting him like "wtf are you doing, come home."
Also, you can support him in petitioning the court for legal emancipation, and then he can make his own decisions about what environment will be safest for him.
posted by the turtle's teeth at 5:11 AM on March 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
When my younger siblings were teens living at home, they had multiple under-18 friends/girlfriends who lived with them at my mom's house for months because of troubled family situations. This resulted in zero legal ramifications. Yeah, if the kid's parents come to the door and say "Give me my kid" and you refuse to let them in, that will lead to some trouble. But the truth is a lot of parents are neglectful and horrible and don't give a shit and are just relieved to have their troublesome teen out of their house. They might never do anything to follow up on getting their kid back except maybe texting him like "wtf are you doing, come home."
Also, you can support him in petitioning the court for legal emancipation, and then he can make his own decisions about what environment will be safest for him.
posted by the turtle's teeth at 5:11 AM on March 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
I'm located in the Los Angeles area. I've given some of the resources you've all suggested to Anon Jr. to pass on to the boy, and we're discussing possible sleepover arrangements. Thanks all!posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 10:49 AM on March 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
One of my best friends from high school started sleeping on friends couches for weeks at a time when she was fourteen. She moved in with us at sixteen or so, I think, and became part of the family. Her mom figured out where she was eventually and would drop by with money for her every now and then and would sign school forms as necessary. She didn't make a fuss or try to get her kid back. (No, we didn't ask her parents, I just stopped by with her when we knew her parents were at work and we loaded up our backpacks with her stuff.)
I think saying that your home is always available could be lifesaving, whether your kid's friend gets permission or not. If his parents want him to move back in, maybe they would make more of an effort and this could show them how broken their family is right now. If they don't, you might be making everyone happier. (You could also might get a great new kid out of this-- my foster sister visits my parents more often than I do and made it out there for Christmas.)
posted by Margalo Epps at 5:43 PM on March 28, 2017
I think saying that your home is always available could be lifesaving, whether your kid's friend gets permission or not. If his parents want him to move back in, maybe they would make more of an effort and this could show them how broken their family is right now. If they don't, you might be making everyone happier. (You could also might get a great new kid out of this-- my foster sister visits my parents more often than I do and made it out there for Christmas.)
posted by Margalo Epps at 5:43 PM on March 28, 2017
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