My coworker slapped my butt. Now what?
March 22, 2017 3:34 AM   Subscribe

This was a couple years ago, but it still bothers me from time to time. To get my attention (and as a mild rebuke while she asked about something I hadn't done yet), my coworker slapped my butt. What, if anything, do I do?

I am 100% confident that the swat was not intended to be sexual or intimidating. This person is in her late 50s/early 60s (I'm in my late 20s, female), and is kind of known around the office for her somewhat brusque work style. At the same time, she is very friendly on an interpersonal level, and just generally more huggy than most other people are in our traditional office setting. She's been here for decades and is kind of an institution at this point.

At the same time, touching someone's butt is wildly inappropriate, and I just want to know this won't happen again because I'm still leery of her years later. Escalating this up the hierarchy seems like overkill, though, because she's not a predatory person.

I'm just not sure how to handle this and need some advice. Thanks!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
One incident years ago is an anomaly. I'd forget about it.
posted by sanka at 3:54 AM on March 22, 2017 [50 favorites]


I would do my best to forget about this, because (a) it happened once, a couple of years ago, and seems anomalous and (b) nothing you do is likely to change this woman's behavior. I'm in your age range and have worked with many "lifers" who have spent decades at my organization; they often get away with murder.

When your mind returns to this event, would it be helpful to think about what you would do and say if it ever happened again? I find it soothing to know exactly how I would respond to an awkward situation.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:08 AM on March 22, 2017 [8 favorites]


Oh good grief! I am about this woman's age and I would never in a million years dream of doing this to a co-worker, younger or not! I can see why this still bothers you!

Does this woman have children/grandchildren, or generally put herself in a kind of parental role in your office? The best(?) face I can put on this is that she defaulted to a kind of parent/child dynamic and overstepped in a kind of "disciplinary" way (ugh ... note that most people my age did not spank their kids).

The fact that she has not done anything like this again tells me that she knows she overstepped, and I really think she is unlikely to do something like this again, and is probably very very grateful you did not complain about the incident up the line, so I would let this go if I were you. I would not be that leery of her, because if she did overstep in any way again with you she suspects you might well officially complain.

With that said, I very much agree with schroedingersgirl on this: When your mind returns to this event, would it be helpful to think about what you would do and say if it ever happened again? I would have been inclined to rear back like a startled horse and say *very* loudly, (co-worker name), what the heck are you doing; don't hit me!
posted by gudrun at 6:14 AM on March 22, 2017 [2 favorites]


I wouldn't say "forget about it", but I would suggest that this is something that it is maybe best for you to deal with on your own, in whatever way it is appropriate for you - discussing with friends/family/therapist, journalling, volunteering, selfcare, etc. Any approach you take with the woman or your workplace will probably not get you the result you want (knowledge that it will never happen again) and it may have negative repercussions on how you are seen around the office or even on your career.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:16 AM on March 22, 2017 [4 favorites]


It was 2 years ago. You need to talk with someone about how to get over this. Obviously, it impacted you much more than any of the intent, and I'm sure she doesn't remember the incident, or even recognized it. You have probably built this up and up into more than it was even for you, at the time it happened, because you haven't been able to resolve it.

It's likely apparent to her, and maybe others, that something is 'wrong' and uncomfortable with you, and they might be attributing it to your general personality, as well, versus you having this thing you're still fixated on.

One option; IF you have any kind of good relationship with her - like you as a team go out and do things; lunch, bar, whatever - you could just approach her and say something like "This seems so silly, and I think maybe it's been affecting the way I've been working with you, so if you feel I've been stand offish or cold for some reason, well, two years ago you slapped my butt and it kind of shocked me, and I got a bit obsessed about it, and I feel it may have colored the way I've been interacting with you. So, yeah, there's that."

Note; I'm not judging in any of this. You had something happen, and you haven't figured out how to get over it. It happens to all of us. But you should recognize that we, as humans, are horribly bad at hiding things that are bothering us. And it's likely affecting your relationships.

If you can have a convo where it doesn't entail blaming her, or being "how DARE you touch me!" and more phrase it in a term of trying to fix something you think is wrong in your relationship that you both share some responsibility in (yours being not resolving this when it happened and letting it stew for 2 years).. that may be best for all.
posted by rich at 6:59 AM on March 22, 2017 [5 favorites]


I agree it will be difficult to reach a satisfying conclusion for yourself this many years after the fact. Would it help to prepare a script that makes you feel protected and empowered in case she does that or something similar again? "Do not do touch me like that, X. You did that once before and it has always bothered me."
posted by juliplease at 7:56 AM on March 22, 2017 [3 favorites]


Combining the likelihood that the person(s) involved will probably not even remember the incident, with the (seemingly) disproportionate level of attention you are still giving to it... to speak now sounds to me like a recipe for disaster. The time to speak was 2 years ago. To bring this up now will mark you in an unacceptable way.

Agree with those above that the onus is on you to let this go and stop focusing on it. Should any unwarranted touching ever occur again, you should probably be prepared with something to say, be it to the person involved or to HR (if you'd rather be circumspect). But- if this is in any way "part of the culture" where you work, or "that's just how so-and-so is" and everyone accepts it... that's a hill you may not want to die on.

If someone in a "lifer" role at work is jokey/mildly inappropriate by my standards, but enabled by the culture and leadership... I generally just avoid that person and make it my burden to carry. Life's too short. (If behavior truly crosses an egregious line, I'll speak up through proper channels of course.)
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 8:16 AM on March 22, 2017 [5 favorites]


I once had a receptionist slap my butt where I worked. She was new, and I'm pretty sure she got carried away trying to fit in with the very tight-knit team that I had been part of for years and the time my butt really was attention-gettingly cute. This was like ten years ago and I haven't forgotten it - it was so wildly out of place - so I understand why you haven't forgotten your incident either. In fact I know you won't!

But, you do need to forgive her in your heart and let it go. There is nothing you can do now in terms of discussing it, two years later, that won't mark you as the weird one. Plus, you have two years of evidence now that she isn't going to do it again; she was probably immediately regretful at the time and grateful you didn't escalate. I think what you're feeling is the lingering burden of feeling like you SHOULD have said something at the time. But hey, I'm here to absolve you of that. You were stunned and understandably so. (I don't think I rebuked my butt-slapper at the time either.) You'll feel much better if you just chalk it up to a Weird Thing That Happened and stop feeling like you have an obligation to school her in some way.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:51 AM on March 22, 2017 [4 favorites]


This is obviously wildly inappropriate, but I'm not really sure how possible it is to raise it two years later since it seems pretty clear from your description (and your own sense of the incident) that it wasn't intended in a sexually harassing way. I agree with the idea of coming up with a clear plan for how you would respond if this ever did happen again (up to and including reporting it to HR -- which I think is perfectly appropriate if you can say "This happened yesterday" -- I think the part that will come off badly is "This happened two years ago and I'm only raising it now.")

I have also found it useful in these type of situations to consciously forgive MYSELF for not responding in the way I might now wish I responded in the moment -- often I find part of why I obsess over these type of things is not so much because I'm upset about what the other person did, but rather that I'm upset about my own response (i.e. not saying something in the moment, not standing up for myself, etc.). Feel free to ignore this if it's not relevant to your situation, but just something to think about.

Finally, since you mention this person is more "huggy" than other people in your office -- if this is ongoing and part of what's making you uncomfortable, know that it's 100% okay to step back when someone tries to hug you and say "Actually I'm not a hugger, sorry! High five?" You're not obligated to hug people ever, but especially AT WORK. If she insists on trying to hug you after you've clearly stated your preference not to, that is something it is okay to raise with your manager and/or HR -- if they push back, I would say something along the lines of "Okay, just to be clear, you're saying I am required to submit to unwanted physical touching at work, even though it has nothing to do with my job duties?"
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:58 AM on March 22, 2017 [9 favorites]


Yeah, this is clearly bad boundaries on the butt-slapper's part, but sounds like it's a one-off. I'd just be wary and carry on.
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 9:20 AM on March 22, 2017


When things like this happen it has to be taken it up reasonably close to the event. Otherwise, if you start talking about it now, so far out from the date of occurrence, it will seem like you were hedging your bets and "saving" the ammunition somehow. It would appear that you are the one who is scheming and angling to get some sort of award claim. It would not be viewed in any type of favorable way. Go forward with a hands off policy.
posted by naplesyellow at 9:55 AM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]


Obviously, it impacted you much more than any of the intent, and I'm sure she doesn't remember the incident, or even recognized it

Yes, it is in the nature of casual low-level assault to be completely normal and fun for the perpetrator, and to be one of so many similar things they've done that no individual instance lingers in their memory. It is not for the victim to feel guilty about remembering.

OP, there is nothing you can do about it now since it's been two years. However, if you see her behave similarly towards other people and you have some reason to believe they're upset, you can back them up should they choose to make a complaint. Everybody is right that a complaint from you now, even an informal polite one directly to her, will not accomplish anything good given the timeframe, and since it's been two years it's highly likely it will not happen again. Best case is that she realized from your nonverbal reactions that she'd made a mistake. Worst case is that she just hasn't felt the need to rebuke you since the last time.

If it does happen again, though, it does not matter whether or not a touch or a slap on the buttocks, breasts, or genitals is intended to sexually gratify her -- and I am sure you are correct that it was not. But "I didn't enjoy it" or "It was all in fun" is not a defense. it is a good thing for older women and other demographics that are considered sexually "harmless" to become aware that societal and workplace rules apply to them equally and that they do not have special invasive touch privileges.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:10 AM on March 22, 2017 [7 favorites]


Tell your coworker how you feel about the incident and ask politely that she not touch you again. Since it was so long ago, you can preface the request with, "I know this happened a long time ago, but it has been on my mind lately and I need to get this off my chest..."
posted by Mr. Fig at 12:23 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]


Update from the anonymous OP:
Thanks for your advice. She slapped the butt of at least one other coworker, but that was also years ago, so perhaps her butt-slapping days are over. There have been a couple of other too-touchy-for-work episodes between her and me since then, so I think I'll just be prepared to say something polite but firm to her if she touches me again, but otherwise try not to worry about it too much.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:58 PM on March 22, 2017


Something like this happened to me and my sisterreceptionist at a clinic where we worked. There was one nurse practitioner who was a no-boundaries jolly goddamn maniac, which was fun unless you misfiled something or messed up a phone message or something because then she felt entitled for some reason, probably that we were her daughters' ages, to come up behind us and twist the hell out of our earlobes. I will hate this woman 'til my dying day because it hurt like mad and was so insanely disrespectful. The two of us went to what passed for management at the stupid clinic and were told we were overreacting. No. NO. NOT EITHER.

Thank you for asking this. You are not making too big a deal out of it, even if there's no power differential. People like this need to keep their ass hands to their ass selves, and people who suffer at the hands of people like this need to know we are legion.

I think our nurse practitioner torturer's name was Pam. On the outside chance that she is still alive and is reading this,

PAM!!! YOU SUUUUUCK!
posted by Don Pepino at 2:11 PM on March 22, 2017 [2 favorites]


I've been swatted on the butt at work before in a way that I think is similar to how you describe (also by an older woman to get my attention, definitely not sexual or intimidating) and I think if your primary concern is to never be swatted again, I would just tell her one on one that it makes you uncomfortable, and maybe tell a fib to protect her ego (e.g. "I'm very self conscious about my butt and I know you mean nothing by it but it really throws me off for the rest of the day!", "when I was a kid there was a bully who always swatted my butt, and I know you mean nothing by it, but it really throws me off for the rest of the day!").

As you can see, all of my proposed approaches include making it seem like your special problem and not exactly "teaching her a lesson" -- if the latter is your goal, this is going to be way, way harder. But as I said, if your fear is of being swatted again, I think you can easily stop it as I described.
posted by telegraph at 2:45 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]


If you think she means well, and you'd like to have a better working relationship with her, then might it feel right to invite her to sit down (get coffee?) and in private, explain that you know she didn't mean it in a bad way, but that it still bothers you and you just wanted to confirm that it won't happen again? I'd bring up the other inappropriate touching that you want to stop, too. Ideally she'll apologize and express her realization that these were super inappropriate. Then close with thanking her for the opportunity to clear the air. It's a lot of time investment if you don't care about the working relationship, though.

I hear some people saying this is weird or that it'd be weird to bring it up. I think that what she did is super weird and having an awkward conversation in private is or should be the minimum price you pay for doing something this inappropriate.
posted by salvia at 3:28 PM on March 22, 2017


I had a co-worker slap my butt once. I was a 30-ish male and she was a 50-ish female and I found it really inappropriate. But I ignored it and carried on with life.

A few months later she made a really inappropriate comment (trying to tell me what her nipples look like!) and I made the decision to go to HR. She was fired pretty quickly.

If your co-worker does anything else skeevy, say something.
posted by tacodave at 3:58 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]


Well, given the incident was a while ago, and hasn't been repeated, I'd look at it like this: if you had confronted the issue then, it would presumably been with an aim to ensure it was never repeated, since it is inappropriate. Since you say it has not been repeated, you have achieved that aim without needing to have the discussion.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:57 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]


There have been a couple of other too-touchy-for-work episodes between her and me since then, so I think I'll just be prepared to say something polite but firm to her if she touches me again, but otherwise try not to worry about it too much.

It sounds like you are legitimately upset by your co-worker's repeated violation of your personal boundaries, but the only violation that you feel is"big enough" to be upset by is the butt-slapping, so that's the one you attribute all of your anxiety to. Then you try to talk yourself out of your anxiety because it was two years ago so your anxiety seems unreasonable, when really you are upset that she touches you in a too-personal way every few months and you are being ground down by the constant low-level "is today the day Jane tries to give me another shoulder rub" worry, which is totally reasonable.

Fuck that noise, man. You don't have to let someone hug you or whatever just because they're brusque old-timers and mean well and only touched your butt one time. I think you might feel better if you decide you don't want her to touch you anymore, ever, period, and that you are going to politely say so should the occasion ever arise, and stop trying to convince yourself that you are just being up-tight or it was only one time (it was several times!) or you should forget about it. Jane's a grabby jerk and she needs to keep her hands to herself.

Suggested phrases: "No, thank you" and a step back (hugs, shoulder pats), "I'm not a hugger," "I'm not a touchy-feely type," "That's too close for me," "I need more personal space, thanks."
posted by Snarl Furillo at 5:02 PM on March 22, 2017 [3 favorites]


I agree your update suggests that your anxiety about the long-ago butt episode is probably attributable to her ongoing tendency to touch too much. Absolutely have a line ready so that if she ever does touch you again, you have it ready. "Oh, I'd rather you didn't" for back/arm rubs; "I'm not a hugger" for hugs, if that's the issue. If we're talking about anything like a slap to any body part, "Phyllis, that's completely inappropriate, do not ever do that again" should do it.

ALSO: you have my sympathy. Isn't work enough of a scourge without people coming up with their own personal bizarre shenanigans to make it worse?!
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:47 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]


Just file with HR now as an incident you remember happening that made you feel vaguely uncomfortable, write that you value the person as a colleague but some of their management methods feel culturally incongruent with your professional comfort zone, and maintain high boundaries with the person.
posted by semaphore at 10:11 AM on March 26, 2017


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